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I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Losing A Child

No one ever expects to lose a baby. So when it happens, there isn't a way to prepare yourself. Even if there was a chance that the parents had known. There will never be a way to prepare.

Once the unspeakable happens. People surround you for the first few weeks. Even the people who hadn't been part of your life before the loss.

 They send you sympathy cards or flowers. They call you to see how you're doing. Pretty much their making sure you're not going to go off the deep end such as jumping off a bridge, not eating, making sure you get out of bed. They make sure you don't do what is clearly categorized as crazy, like rocking a baby doll or dressing one up.

The mail continues to flood the bereaved parents with more sympathy cards and then the new baby mail comes. Formula samples. Diaper samples. Free baby magazines and coupons. All the more to remind the parent their baby isn't at home with them. The baby will never be coming home.

You, the mother of the deceased begins to envy each pregnant woman she sees. You feel anger toward them for being pregnant when your pregnancy ended so abruptly and not in a joyful way. After the loss of a child, it seems like every woman around the you becomes pregnant.

The baby stuff lingers throughout the house even though it's not needed. You don't have it in you to rid yourself of the baby stuff.

You feel tired, lost, and afraid of EVERYTHING! The baby you had but didn't have changed everything. It changed all your believes and took your comfort. You now feel vulnerable every minute of everyday, waiting.

You see a new baby and it stabs at your heart. It reminds you what isn't to be. You attend birthday parties for loved ones and see that the firsts will never be. You hear a baby cry which makes you cry. This was one thing you were waiting to hear from the child that will never be.

Your dreams become filled with the nightmare of when you first found out about the loss, up to after the funeral. You remember how you felt when you first heard the words, "there's no heartbeat." You remember how it felt to push your child's lifeless body out of yours. You remember the dreaded time when you had to break the news to the baby's sibling that the baby gain her wings.

You remember the exact shade of pink that covered the casket. You remember where, how, and what you did during the funeral. Every move is forever etched within your mind. You remember the warmth from the sun and the breeze that blew during the funeral. Then after the funeral you are smothered with hugs from various people sharing their condolences. At that moment in time, it seems as if all the air was sucked from earth and you're fighting to breath.

People begin to compare the loss of their grandmother or uncle to the loss of your child. Some how this just doesn't cut it because their loss will NEVER measure up to the loss of your baby. No matter how tragic their loss was.

You realize you have lost a dream and reality slowly begins to slip. What was... will never be. Everything has changed and you must find a way to change with it. The thing is you will NEVER find a way to accept the fact that your baby has died. You learn to live with the pain every day for the rest of your life.

This is how I feel. I am an angel mom. I am real. However, I'm not the victim. I am a survivor. I survived my daughter as a stillbirth. Some how this amazes me. I survived the unthinkable.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Woman in the Mirror by RaeBeth McGee-Buda

The woman in the mirror no longer sees herself as complete. The self awareness she had is all but gone. She hates looking at herself within this mirror, as it makes her realize she hasn't brushed her hair or done her makeup. It reminds her that the clothes she has on, they were on yesterday too. Waking up and getting out of bed is pretty much all she can do. 

She used to know who she was and what she looked like.

She once knew the feeling of true happiness and joy.

She once knew on what path she was headed.

When the woman looked in the mirror, she saw a strong willed person who was complete. She had a daughter and was newly married. She was expecting her second baby. She loved herself and the world around her. She was confident. She took pride in her appearance. She knew her goals and met them. She dreamed dreams of her future. The future which was exciting to her.

The woman that now looks back at me has changed. She looks fragile and broken. She looks incomplete. She's no longer expecting. She looks sad, mad, and disappointed. It looks as if she's having a hard time loving the world around her. Her confidence has disappeared and the pride in her appearance is frail. Her goals has changed, as well as her dreams. Her future is scary and unappealing.

She sees the red and puffiness around her eyes from crying. She sees the lines coming from her eyes and the hurt within them.

People would disagree with the woman in the mirror. Most would say she's coping well. She is very strong and inspiring. She's managing better than they could have imagined. However, the woman in the mirror skilled and knows how to pretend.

People don't realize how much energy it takes to pretend. In reality, she's breaking down sobbing because she is shattered. As she breaks down, she's barely able to breathe while her husband can only hold her. These people don't see the medication she has to taken in order to sleep or even function during the day.

Her dreams and hopes are hidden beneath the surface within her heart. But they are not what she focuses on. She's afraid that at any moment, her breath of life will be taken from her, leaving her alone. She fears her oldest daughter will be next or the new life that she may end up conceiving.

This girl in the mirror will never be the same. For she suffered one thing in life which has taken a piece of her soul. Life for the woman in the mirror will never be the same. For she has suffered through a stillbirth and her baby gaining wings. Her future now consists of worry, fear, and anger and she's afraid of what it may bring.

~Broken Mommy~

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Things I Have Noticed Since Becoming An Angel Mommy

I've only been an angel Mom for about four months. In this short amount of time, I have noticed a few things that most don't realize their doing and end up being hurtful towards those who are angel Moms.

As an angel Mom, I want to talk about Dakota. I want to keep her memory alive. So, every chance I get I talk. When I can't talk, I have post cards with the cover of Dakota's story on it that I hand out. I use them as another form of telling people I have an angel as a daughter. I have been through the unthinkable.  The card displays the small symbols on earth that remind me of her. I like to think of her as my butterfly and the Bible verse is one that wouldn't leave my mind the weekend I lost her.

Even though I am hurting on the inside, I am still proud of the little life that I had within me for nine full months. I want to be like any new mommy. I want to tell the world about her. But when I do, people turn away from me. Or they pretend to listen. Why would anyone want to hear about a baby who died? It's so sad.

HELLO!!! That baby who died, is my baby. I want to scream and shout it from the roof tops. I want everyone to know that baby you can't bare to listen about IS alive. It's heartbreaking when those who I think are the closest to me won't even listen. I hear excuse after excuse when I begin talking about Dakota.

Someone out there, please let me talk about my baby girl. Let me tell you how much I love her because I can't tell her. I have all this love for her and I can't share it with her. So, who can I share it with?

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Reality of an Angel Mom

I did this Vlog on September 18th (today) and wanted to share it with you all. Please take a moment to watch it, then head over to YouTube and give it a thumbs up and perhaps a comment.

Pre-Conception Appointment is Scheduled

Well, even though the decision was tough, I finally mustered the guts to call the doctor. My husband and I are ready for our rainbow baby. We have been eagerly waiting for this time of the year. The last meeting I had with my doctor, he said that we would check in after summer and at the beginning of fall to see if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

As of yesterday, I called and made the appointment. To my surprise, they scheduled it for October 31, 2013. When I heard the woman say this date, my breath caught in my throat. This was the same day I found out I was pregnant with Dakota, only it was last year.

After a while of thinking, I realized that it's not the same. I won't be going in to confirm a pregnancy. I'll be going in to see if I can get pregnant and see if my body is ready for it.  I'm really nervouse about the appointment. I'm worried that my doctor will tell us we have to wait even longer.

I just want my rainbow baby. My heart aches when I hear of someone else being pregnant or hearing that someone just had a baby. So far, the youngest baby I can be around is about 9-12 months old. If I come in contact with a baby younger, I can't talk, touch, or even look at the little one. It hurts too bad. Once I'm out of view of people, I break and cry. It's a rough journey, and I can't wait for the day happiness returns for me.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The Waiting Game.... All Most Over

So, as September slowly goes by... I keep counting down the days until October first. My doctor told me to wait three cycles before trying to get pregnant again. He instructed me to have a "pre-conception" appointment with a doctor before we begin trying. I plan on making the appointment at the end of this month.

I'm really nervous about it. I'm afraid of going in and the doctor telling us that something's not right and we have to wait longer. I've only been able to get through the last three months because of this hope. I NEED a baby.

Everything I do is baby oriented. I'm even dreaming of being pregnant again, I want it so bad. Has any other angel Mommy out there been through this? What all did you do before you had the "go ahead" and began trying?

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

My Happy Place

One thing I needed to do during my process of healing was to create a spot within my home dedicated to my angel, Dakota. It didn't take much and I love the outcome. Most of the time I sit in the chair, which I had orginally planned on breastfeeding Dakota in, and write her a letter in my Letters to Dakota book. I cuddle my nieces and nephew. I listen to my Dakota music list while I sit here and remember her.

Take a look for yourself. What do you think?

Full View of Dakota's Corner

Side Stand #1

Photo Wall #1

Photo Wall #2

Side Stand #2

Our Baby Time Wall- Birth pictures and clocks below displaying their time of birth.

Angel Parents- What have you done to remember your angel?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

One of the MOST dreaded questions.....

As an angel Mom, there are so many things I try to avoid but there are some things I just can't avoid. One example... I dread this question... "How many kids do you have?" The answer for me is awkward. At times I'm not sure how to answer it.

So I'm a mother of two. I have a daughter here with me and another in heaven. I get to parent one child while the other looks over me. When I do my daily things, I keep thinking I should be taking a break right now to feed Dakota, change her, or perhaps take a walk with her. When in the morning, I wake my oldest for school, I should be getting my youngest ready too. The three of us should be walking to the bus in the morning, but there are now only two.

When someone asks me how many children do I have, I always answer it differently. The most common answer I have is.... Two. I have two children. One which is with me and always watching over me. The other driving me nuts and I'm loving every minute of it.

Angel parents- How do you answer this question?

Friends/Family- Any suggestions on an answer that wouldn't be weird or awkward to hear?