Come on in!

I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Our Journey Begins.... Again

Well, I am super nervous because today's the day I go back into the OB/GYN's office. This is the same office that I had previously gone to when I was pregnant with Dakota. I'll be seeing the same doctor today. I'm having mixed feelings about this. I know deep inside that Dakota's gaining of her wings was not the doctors fault. It wasn't any one's fault. Her journey and her story was written short. I may not like it and I don't have to like it. But that's how it is. I can't change it.

What I can change is how I feel with the upcoming appointment. I am scared that the doctor will tell me some dreadful news and we won't be able to try again. I NEED a baby. The reason we were able to get pregnant with Dakota, was because we wanted her. We wanted another baby. During the pregnancy with Dakota, I was ecstatic. There wasn't a thing in the world that would bring me down, except when my daughter gained her lovely angel wings.

Am I afraid to try again? HECK YES!!! Every fiber of my being shakes from nervousness and my heart races at the thought. I'm sure after everything that I have been through, that this is normal. Am I afraid it's going to happen again? A little bit, but I know Jesus has my back. He won't put anything on my shoulders that I can't do. Besides, he's with me with this walk.

I'll be back later to check in and update everyone on how my appointment went. Please say a quick prayer for me. I could use them. :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Candle Light Wave- Stillborn Awareness Day

Candle Light Wave
October 15, 2013

This goes for all in every time zone. If everyone would like a candle at 7 pm and let it burn for an hour... there will be a never ending wave of candle light during the entire day. Please join in and share your candle via photo to these events

Here are a few photo's my Husband and I took in memory of our Daughter.... Dakota Emily Buda. 

**All photo's within this post are copy protected. 
Please do not save or distribute them in any way**

Monday, October 14, 2013

Grabbing A Hold Of H.O.P.E.

Hold On Pain Ends

This post is dedicated to all those who have lost their lives too soon.

Never to suffer would never to have been blessed.
~Edgar Allan Poe

Myths about Grief and Mourning

#1 Grief is Mourning
Truth: People sometimes confuse the two but there is a difference. Grief is the experience of internal thoughts and feelings about the loss of our child while mourning is taking that internal experience of grief and finding ways to express it outwardly and share it with others.

#2 There are Stages to Grief
Truth: Grief is not predictable and it is not orderly. Grief is messy yet beautiful all at the same time because it is an indication of love lost. Grief cannot not be categorized into stages, as each person’s grief experience is uniquely their own.

#3 You Should Move Away from Grief Instead of Towards It
Truth: In our society we are taught to avoid pain and grief is a form of pain. We are often encouraged to push grief away and hide from it and all of the sorrow it brings. When really one needs to experience grief, not repress it, in order to heal.

#4 One Should Get Over Their Grief
Truth: There is no time limit on grief. We all mourn at our own pace and in our own time. I believe that grief never leaves us completely. I do think one can heal, but I don’t believe one will ever be the same as they were before the loss of a child. We learn to integrate our loss into our lives and create a “new normal” again in a world without our child, but we will never “get over” the loss of not being able to hold them in our arms again.

#5 Having Tears of Grief Makes Me Weak
Truth: Unfortunately, in our society we have come to think that tears of grief are a sign of weakness. When in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth. Tears are nature’s way of releasing inner tension and complex emotions. Tears of grief should be re-framed as a brave act of love. Crying from grief of the loss of a child is not a weakness; it’s a sign that one is mourning a great injury of the heart.

#6 Pregnancy Loss & Infertility is a Lesser Grief
Truth: Pregnancy loss at any stage and infertility is a loss of the dreams and hopes one has been planning for their future children. As someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, I want people to know that a pregnancy didn’t just end, my child died. And yes, I believe infertility must be a grief ridden experience, but I can’t speak from experience. In no way is pregnancy loss or infertility a lesser grief. It’s just different, as all grief is different because it’s a deep and personal experience unique to the individual.

#7 Don’t Talk or Ask a Friend about Their Deceased Child Because It Brings Up Too Much Pain
Truth: In most cases, from my experience, you won’t hurt a grieving parent’s feelings when mentioning the name of their child. Speaking as a bereaved parent, my grief is with me every day. I haven’t forgotten the pain that comes with living each day without my daughter. Actually, I often feel a sense of relief when someone remembers my child as it validates my love and loss. Talking about my daughter makes me happy. So, I challenge you to gently ask about a bereaved parent’s child. You might just brighten their day.

#1-5 of the article is drawn from Alan Wolfelt’s work: Dispelling 5 Common Myths about Grief

At 7PM tomorrow, please light a candle in memory of those who have pass on too soon. Then share your photo here....

Friday, October 11, 2013

One Step Closer....

As I am writing this post, I have a tear rolling down my cheek. I am hurting. I had no choice but to do something I wasn't truly ready for. I did it for my oldest daughter, who needed it done. She was going to share her room with our precious Dakota, therefore the nursery side of the bedroom was still together. It looked the same way it did when my husband and I put it together.

Emma came to me and said.. "Mommy, you know all the baby stuff in my room? Could you do something with it? It hurts to see it while falling asleep and that's why I don't play in there anymore. It reminds me that Sissy is in heaven and not here."

This broke my heart. "Of course" I told her with the best smile I could muster. I gathered my cleaning stuff and extra garbage bags. Then, headed upstairs. I cried the entire time. Each shirt I put into a bag, each bib, every blanket.... a tear fell for each.

As of today, the nursery doesn't exist. It's gone. My daughter has her space back. Everything but the crib is going into storage until we need it again.

The "Nursery" Side.... GONE!!!

I just want to scream! I am in so much pain. I never imagined when I put the crib bedding in... that a baby wouldn't sleep on it... Dakota wouldn't use it! 

Lord, I pray... take away this unbearable pain. - Amen!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

You see that woman standing there?
You see the one right in front of you?
She has untidy hair and overly big clothing.
She looks to be an overall mess.
You hear her laugh and see her smile.
If you look into her eyes, you'd see that her smile isn't sincere!
Her eyes hold a bit of sadness, but did you notice?
Or are you still stuck on the way she looks?
Are you thinking she'd be pretty, if only she took care of herself?
Now STOP with the mind judgning because...
If you knew this woman's story....
If you walked her walk in life....
You'd feel the same way too.
You don't realize that as a child, she was molested. 
You don't realize that as a teen, she was bullied.
You don't realize her overly big clothes are for several reasons.
You wouldn't know it by looking at her, but she's mourning her child she just lost. 
You know the one she carried for nine months in her womb.... the baby that was taken..... too soon.  

She carries on with the life she was given 
but it doesn't mean she's not hurting.

The messy unkempt hair is the last of her worries.
The overly big clothes hide whats left of her baby bump, as she tries to hide the constant reminder of what isn't there.

Then, she walks away from you. 
After she's out of sight, you turn to your friend for a laugh at the woman's expense, not knowing this woman is broken in two.

Change NOW!
STOP the judgements.
Remember everyone doesn't live like you.
We all have our own path.
Be kind with your heart.
Be kind with your mind.

For GOD is the ONLY on who can judge ME!

-- By RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Matthew 7: 1 “Judge not, that you be not judged."


Other Bible Verses on Judging Others

Matthew 7:1-5 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Luke 6:37 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

John 7:24 

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”

James 4:11-12 

Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

James 4:12 

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Romans 2:1-3 

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God?

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Matthew 7:5 

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-2 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

John 8:7 

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Matthew 7:1 

“Judge not, that you be not judged.

Luke 6:31

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Matthew 7:1-29 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. ...

Matthew 6:14-15 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Proverbs 31:9

Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Titus 3:2-7 

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, ...

Luke 6:37-42 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ...

Galatians 5:14 

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Isaiah 11:3 

And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear,

Matthew 12:36-37 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Matthew 7:12 

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

(Guest Post) Stillbirth Matters

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Many of us are participating in events or remembering our children in our own special ways.  These events are heartwarming and an opportunity to support each other.  This year, I’ve been wondering if they are more than that.

I used to think that government proclamations were a simple gesture to recognize the struggles faced by our society.  I didn’t ever see a personal connection to it.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know people with breast cancer, autism, or any other cause.  I just didn’t stop to think about if I could or should do something about it.

When I look at the title National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, the word AWARENESS jumps out at me.  What is awareness?  What does it look like?  Is it a simple acknowledgment?  Is it a full-blown public media campaign?  Is it something in between?  Is it even necessary?

I’m not sure I completely understood the value of awareness until recently.  But awareness is one of the most powerful tools we have.  It can educate the public and health professionals; encourage financial support of research or care programs; inspire advocacy; break down stereotypes, myths, or taboos;  honor the memory of loved and missed babies; and provide encouragement for families on a grief journey.  Obviously, there is much that needs to be done and awareness could be a key to all of these things and more!

You may be thinking, “I don’t have the time/resources/talents/ability to make a difference.”  I know I have thought this before.  At times, the issues can be overwhelming.  This is one of the most important reasons why we all need to work together and create that awareness.  The issue is too big for any one person or even one organization to ‘fix’ alone.  Working together, however, we can make a significant difference!  Your contribution can be anything you want it to be.  The important thing is that it comes from the heart and is done to create awareness for these babies and their families.
For example, you could:
The possibilities are endless, but the important part is that awareness can be big or small, loud or quiet, expensive or free, aimed toward society or an individual, organized or impromptu.  Some of the most impressive works of the last two centuries have started in small ways or small locations.  Don’t underestimate the ripple effect of your actions!

How will you be creating awareness this month?  Feel free to share your ideas with us – or ask for help if needed.  But make this month different by creating awareness in your own way.  Together, all of these efforts will come together for true National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Daddy of Two Angels In Heaven #StillbornAwareness #rememberance

Most know me as Buda or Greg. I am a Marine. I am a Husband. I work hard and life for me is difficult. I am a daddy to a little girl who lights up my life, but I'm also a daddy to two angels in heaven.

I write this post for my son, Cougar Lee and my daughter Dakota Emily. 

As a father who lost a daughter due to stillbirth in May 2013, I am here to tell my side of the story. It is a long healing road and everywhere I turn its angel mom this or angel mom that. People don’t realize that the loss affects the fathers just as much as the mothers. People automatically think those other than the mother don't feel the loss as deeply as the mother, because Daddy's don't feel the baby's every move. We don't feel their hiccups. We don't feel the aches and pains with pregnancy.

I am here to tell you. WE DO! The loss hurts just the same. Here's my story:

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. Do I tell you of the yearning I have on a daily basis for my little angel? Do I jump right into our loss? Would a bit of background add to my story? This I don't know. So, I guess I'll start from the beginning of Dakota's Life.

We suspected it before she took the test but didn’t say anything. We thought it could have been a late month, because of stress of our wedding and me starting a new job. I don’t think that I had any kind of special reaction.

As any daddy, I was excited but it was kind of an “awesome, I’m a daddy again” type of reaction. While I watched my wife's body change from our growing daughter, the anticipation grew. I couldn't wait to feel Dakota kicking and moving, which is what I wanted to see the most. I loved playing with Emma and I was the only one able to get her from under Beth’s ribs. I was hoping for more of the same with Dakota.

When my wife told me she thought she was in labor, I was ecstatic. She had spent the weekend with her Mom while I stayed home for work. I was so excited during my drive to the hospital and couldn’t wait to get there to meet Dakota. The ride was probably the longest trip I ever made to the hospital. It felt like an eternity before I pulled into the parking lot, and met my beautiful wife at the doors of the emergency room.

After my wife was checked in, I watched her proudly as she conquered each contraction, which I could only imagine what they felt like. Looking at her eyes and the way she reacted to each contraction, makes me think they aren't fun. We were forced to wait for someone from Labor and Delivery to make their way down from the sixth floor to transport my wife to a triage room. I was impatient. It felt like the doctors were taking forever to come get her, even though the wait was a short amount of time. I was antsy, while sitting there fidgeting and watching my wife.

I was amazed with my wife and her pain tolerance. She focused on each contraction and went through them like a pro. As I watched her work with her body to bring Dakota into the world, I saw just how truly amazing she is. She didn't complain about the pain. She toughed her way through it.

By the time we made it to the triage room, the contractions were coming at full force and I watched my wife bend over the bed in pain. As her husband, I reassured her that she was doing great and everything was okay. She changed into the hospital gown, and I helped her onto the bed. Shortly after, the nurse came in.

Everything I knew became turned upside down and all around. This is where my life forever changed. Where the heartbreak I feel, will never go away, but I'll learn to cope with the pain. The doctor's couldn't find Dakota's heartbeat.  After a few minutes I literally slid down the wall because my leg's could no longer hold me up. My breath was taken away from me and a knot formed in my throat, as I realized what was going on.

In a way I knew she was gone. It was just the confirmation from the doctors, which brought it to reality for me. I felt angry and heartbroken. It took everything  I had not to keep myself together. I couldn't break down. Not while I was hearing the horrible screams coming from my wife. If there was a time to show how strong I was, this was the time. My wife needed my strength. I couldn't lose it for her. I had to keep my head and help her through this.

As I listened to the heartbreaking cries of my wife, I felt sorrow, sadness, and pity for her. I felt bad because this life that she felt for the last nine months had been taken away from us in a moments notice. So many thoughts rushed into my mind, I needed to take a step away. I went into the hallway to call my Mom and break down.

I couldn't let myself fall apart in front of my wife, so I cried into the phone to my mother, who lived six hours away from us. I couldn’t believe it was happening to us. The two people that have been through every rough time you can imagine and made it out, now had to deal with the death of our precious daughter. I prayed to God many times that night, wishing the doctors were wrong and Dakota would come out fine.

I felt so much heartache for my wife and wondered how long it would be before I had to bury her too, from depression over our loss.  The labor and birth was hard. I was at my wife’s side the entire time and no one could have made me move, except God himself. I barely got a glance of my precious daughter, as she was whisked away from us. I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke from the heartache. The void in my heart was overbearing as part of my heart died. I realized from this point on, life would never be the same. 

So many feelings were going through my body that I had no idea if I was coming or going. My head wasn’t straight and I couldn't handle the idea of preparing the funeral arrangements before we could leave the hospital. My wife looked at me with her red, puffy, and swollen eyes, which were filled with so much hurt and pain, as she asked me to do it. She told me it was too much.

I pulled myself together. I had to do this. If not for me, for her. When she says she can't handle something, there's no doubt in my mind that it isn't true. My wife is a strong willed woman who will tackle any task that is placed before her, and come out shinning. Her weak, shaky voice told me at this moment, that woman was gone. For the next week, my life revolved around planning the funeral, which NO parent should have to do. I would never wish this on any enemy or even any person in the world.

As a way to cope with my loss, I make myself stay busy as much as possible.  Whether it be with my car, bike, or video games, I try to bury myself in busyness. When I see pictures of Emma’s face around Dakota’s grave, or see the sadness on her face in pictures even though she is smiling, I break down. I hate being a daddy with a broke little girl who I cannot fix. It breaks my heart that she has to endure this type of pain at such a young age.

The walk as a Daddy to two angels, the pain never leaves. It's always there ready to sneak up on me when I'm alone for a breakdown. I try to hide my tears from my wife and daughter because they need me to be strong. I am the man of the house and I'm supposed to be strong. Although I may not show it, Dakota's loss has changed me and my family.

My wife has a sadness in her eyes that has been lingering for the past four months, and I watch daily as she breaks down while crying out in blame. She feels she failed me as my wife, but she is very much wrong. As I watch her write out her story to tell the word and I see the pain it causes her, I begin to admire her for her strength, which behind closed doors, I lack. As I hear my daughter say how proud she is to be a sister to an angel, my heart breaks because as she says this, a tear slips down her cheek.

This isn't how life is supposed to be. I'm supposed to be taking care of my family, but when it comes to our loss and the brokenness within it, I can't fix it and it breaks me up on the inside. I feel like I'm failing them. A part of me says that it's the grief that makes me feel this way, but who really knows.

For me, it's hard to discuss what happened to Dakota with anyone.  I don't like to so I am even surprised that I decided to do this post. But, as a father to an angel, I know one thing which not only gets to my wife but also it upsets me...People always recommend we see a professional to help us through our grief. Most of the time it's the ignorant individuals who haven't been where I am. They haven't walked this path, but I understand. Saying "Go see a grief counselor" is the easiest answer, but some need to remember they aren't for everyone.

So the next time you see a parent of an angel, don't try to tell them what they need to do. It usually just ticks us off. Only those who know what their feeling and how well they are coping can decide whether or not they need a doctor.

So in closing, when you create awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, remember the Daddy too.

That's all for now. I'll be back again to share my thoughts for you to read. Until then, keep spreading the awareness for all the angels who have gained their wings, as well as the families who have to walk this lonely path.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Remember Dakota with Songs

Here is my playlist that I listen to when I miss my baby girl. 

Glory Baby by Watermark

Gone too Soon by Daughtry

Who You'd Be Today- Kenny Chesney 

Dancing in the Sky by Lizzy 

What songs do you listen to while you're remembering a loved one?

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Inside of my Story...

"We lost her. We lost the baby." - This was the first thing I said to my baby sister as reality set in on the day my husband, daughter, and I lost our much anticipated newest addition to our family to stillbirth. Dakota Emily Buda was born into heaven on May 27, 2013. From that point on, my life has changed in so many ways.

At this point, I wonder if anyone even cares. It's like the moment someone hears the words, "my baby died" they turn their attention else where. It's so hard to know when I can fully express myself and my feelings. As a person grieving, I'm the type who needs to express how I feel or these feeling will kill me on the inside.

 Everyday is a struggle. I wake with an attitude where I don't want the heartache to control me, but sometimes the pain over rides me. Anything can add to this as well. As of lately, it seems as if I am seeing newborn baby girls and pregnant women everywhere. Of course, it hurts like hell. But I'm to the point where I feel, expressing myself is wrong. People are tired of hearing it. They're getting annoyed. Although this may not be the case, it's how I feel.

I hate it. It's like I'm living in this world alone. Yes, I know other angel mommies but their many miles away from me. A virtual hug is nothing close to the real thing. It's sad to say, but I don't even have my husband to talk to. It hurts him too much to talk. So, he'd rather not talk about Dakota.

Where are all those people that hugged me on the day of Dakota's funeral, while telling me, "If you need anything...anything at all. Call me. I will be there. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. I will be there."

Phone call after phone call.... it's one excuse after another. Sorry I can't talk because.... that's how it always starts. So much for being there for me.

STOP and I mean STOP telling me I need to see a doctor. If and when I decide I NEED one, I'll seek one. But right now, I have GOD. He's the ultimate doctor. If He can't heal me (which isn't possible) then who can? STOP telling me I'm not giving it all to Christ, because I am. You don't see me behind closed doors, sitting on my bed, and crying out in prayer over my Bible.

I'm tired of people telling me how to grieve or what isn't right about what I am doing. EVERYONE does their own ways when it comes to grieving. I hate when you do this. It makes me feel worse.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE LEFT ALONE? I'll let you know when I need you, but when I do... I'm looking for comfort... not for the "advice" of going to a shrink. In all honesty, I have yet to find one in my area that my insurance pays for.... that IS an angel parent. No text book out there can tell me how to get better.

In closing, back off and let me breath. Believe me... I know when I'm not okay and I'll know when and if I need the help of a doctor. But for now.... let me..... be me!!!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Remembering You

Hey Baby Girl,

Man, I miss you. It's crazy. I can't get over the fact that I had to say goodbye to you before I even had the chance to say hello. 

As I sit and look at pictures of you, I can't help but to feel so lost and lonely. When I found out the chance of being pregnant with you, I was so overwhelmed with joy.

It took me so long to believe my wish for another baby was true. When I learned of your departure, it killed me on the inside. I am constantly thinking about you. I often think of your tiny kicks and when we heard your heartbeat. 

I imagine your laying in Jesus' arms while the both of you watch over us. Therefore, I dedicate this blog to you.

Love you to the moon and back; forever & infinity.