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I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Our Princess had her surgery....

For those who haven't heard, our oldest daughter needed surgery. She needed a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. For those who don't know.... it's the removal of her tonsils and adenoids. They were causing her to have sleep apnea, which made her stop breathing at night. This also contributed to her not sleeping well at night and she'd always be tired. We had a list of stuff we needed to do in order to prepare. Once we had that done, we headed to the hospital on April 29th. Her surgery was scheduled for 8:30. 

***I took pictures of her where I could during this process.***

Once we checked her in and the paperwork was started, we waited in the waiting room for a few minutes. I had just enough time to run to the restroom and when I came out, the nurse had all ready called her name. My heart dropped. This was really happening. I hated having to put her through this. My husband and I followed her back to a VERY small room. It was large enough for two chairs and a child's size hospital bed. Therefore, my mom had to stay in the waiting room for that time. 

Princess removed her clothes and slipped into the hospital gear. Then relaxed on the bed while we answered a million questions for various nurses and doctors.

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The wonderful nurse brought Princess a gift for her big day. Daddy was acting goofy to lighten the intensity of the situation, Emma didn't think he was so funny. 

Here she is showing everyone the lovely gifts. (Which I will add was a surprise and it helped with the entire process.) This is where the MD came in and told us what he had planned for her. I didn't like the fact that he didn't take into consideration about a child sitting in front of him. He proceeded to tell my husband and I what he'd do doing the surgery. By the time he left, Princess was pretty spooked. My husband decided that it was time for Emma's BFF to come back...MeMaw. (These two are so bad at times.)

When my mom got settled in, she managed to get Princess's smile back and calm her fears. We prayed for the doctors and nurses who would be with Princess during her surgery. Then we prayed for her. Once the seriousness was over, Princess and my mom started acting up. 

I had to calm them down a few times for getting loud. My mom gave Princess her special rock to hold during the wait. Of course, she just HAD to have a picture with it. The anesthesiologist came in and started to talk with us. He explained that she'd be going to sleep with a special type of air he'd give her through a special mask. That's when she'd gently fall asleep for the MD to perform her surgery. While in the room, he saw Princess's dolphin toy and they ended up making as many animals sounds as they could. Princess's by far beat the doctors. ** I still laugh when thinking of this. It was super cute.**

After the play, he asked Princess to take a small amount of "sleepy" medicine, which would help relax her and make it easier for the doctors to do their thing in the OR. She took it like a champ and this was her reaction...

Yeah, she didn't like the after taste. It didn't take long for the medication to kick in and do its thing. She went from sitting up to laying down. My step-dad (Pappy) called her to check in while he was at work. By the end of the conversation, Princess didn't know what she was talking about. For the most part, she slurred a lot.

By this time I was fighting back tears. I didn't want them to take her. However, I knew we had made the choice because it was for the best interest of her health. My pregnancy hormones had me tearing up even more, therefore, I couldn't hold it back. I had an internal battle going on. I knew my husband would want to be with her at this point, but Princess needed her BFF. Before we had time to do the switch again, they came and started pushing her away. At this point, she wasn't talking or reacting to anything. She was staring off into space. I was NOT ready for this. They were moving quickly and I couldn't get one last picture without it being blurry. I hardly had time to kiss her. I wish they would have slowed down just a bit so I had time for another kiss.

My husband was waiting in the waiting room when we came out. I informed him that they took her back all ready with a frown. I felt really bad that he didn't get to see her once more. He inhaled and suggested we try to eat. I couldn't eat anything for the first few hours that morning. I didn't feel right eating in front of our daughter when she couldn't eat. When he mentioned food, I instantly realized I was starving. 

We went to the cafeteria for food. The hospital makes great omelets. This is the first breakfast foods we go for. I ordered mine, but the lady was in such a rush... she didn't ask my husband if he wanted something. So, we waited until another lady within the line noticed we had been standing there for a while. Greg told her he was waiting to order his since he was skipped. This kind woman stopped in the middle of her order and told Greg to get his. 

Once the three of us had our food, we quickly ate. I kept an eye on the time and watched the second hand tick by while making its way around the clock. I still held back tears. I NEEDED to know that my baby girl was fine. 

We made our way back up to the same day surgery floor, checked back in, and took our seats.  They gave us a ticket with her patient number on it. We could see where in the process she was by finding her number on a television screen in the waiting room. The doctor told us that she'd be in the OR for about 73 minutes, providing all went well. I kept my eyes on her number. I memorized it to be sure. (191833) had been listed under OR for some time. My mind went nuts. I couldn't help to think that I could lose her. I could loose the only baby I physically had at that moment. I just wanted them to bring her back. 

After about 70 minutes, I saw her number move from the screen. A small bit of panic picked up when I realized it hadn't popped up in the recovery category yet. Once I saw it, I announced it to my mom and husband. She had made it through the surgery and was in recovery. PRAISE GOD!!!

It took about twenty minutes for a guy to come out and call our name. He told us that one of us had been requested to come back for when she woke up. Typically this would be Mom. However, I wanted it to be all of us. I stood up and started walking towards the doors. My hubby started to follow and was told to stay in the waiting room. I didn't like this. She is BOTH of ours and she was going to want to see both of us. I hated having to walk back without him. 

The male nurse directed me to the recovery room. They had my little girl laying on her side, with oxygen to her face, and she was covered up with a blanket. She hadn't woke up yet. The nurse explained to me the ways she's seen children wake up from anesthesia. Most of the time, they were scared and cried. I wasn't prepared AT ALL for what I was about to go through being pregnant. 

When she started stirring, I heard her breathing through mucus. I was afraid of her coughing and hurting her throat. As she came too, she started whining and tossing her head around. I felt so bad for her. I tried my hardest to steady her head to make sure she didn't hit it off of the side of the bed. A few moments later, she started messing with her IV while crying. She didn't want it in. I held down her hands and gently placed my head by hers. I tried calming her down with my voice and playing with her hair. Normally she loves her hair played with. 

The nurse seemed to only make matters worse. She kept shushing my daughter. I know she doesn't like that. I have never shushed my children. I feel it's rude. My daughter was trying to tell me something but the nurse wouldn't back off long enough for her to try to relay the message. I seriously wanted to hit the woman. I gently had her look at me and told her... can you use one word to tell me what's going on?

With eyes full of sadness and pain, she managed one word... "OUCH." Pain! She was in pain. This registered and I panicked. Immediately, I looked at the overbearing nurse and told her to get something for the pain. They told me they could manage it and I thought they would have given her something for the pain before waking up. NOPE! They gave her nothing. The nurse forgot. Yep, at this time I wanted to hit her.

She scrambled off for the pain medication and I got a moment with my daughter. I sang to her and got her to FINALLY calm down. I explained to her that the IV had to stay in. If they or she took it out, any medicine they gave her would have to be in a shot because she couldn't swallow anything at that moment. Therefore, any type of pills would be out. She accepted the fact that she had to keep the IV and hid her hand under the blanket. 

She continued to cry. The nurse came back with something for the pain, put it in the IV, and asked which person could come back with us. Again, I had to choose between my husband and my mom. Emma was really close to both of them. In this situation, all of us could have been there. The room was plenty big enough and there weren't many patients in recovery. I left the decision up to my daughter. 

I asked her to raise one finger for Daddy and two fingers for Memaw. She raised four. She wanted all of us. The pain unexpected came back and the crying started again. I asked her to tell me who else she'd like and she raised two fingers. She wanted my Mom. I felt bad for Daddy because I knew he'd want to be with her. I hated being put in this position. 

The nurse got my mom. Once she came back, she fed a popsicle to my daughter and calmed her down enough for her to sleep. This was a blessing. The feelings that went through me at that moment was crazy. I was relieved to see her asleep. However, I ached inside because I had to put her through this. I felt bad because I really don't know what she's going through. I just sat there and stared at my beautiful daughter.

They had her in the recovery ward for an hour before moving her to her room. This is where we all were allowed to wait with her. I went out to the waiting room and got hubby. We rushed back to our daughter's side. She was still sleeping. The nurse informed us that she'd be sleeping for the next few hours because of the pain medication they gave her before moving her from recovery. Hubby and I took this as a cue to go eat. We quickly grabbed some food. On our way back, we stopped in at the gift shop and grabbed her a present. This made her day. Several hours later, the nurse came in to check up on our little girl, which woke her up.

 I was super excited for her to see her gift. Once I knew she was fully awake, I gave it to her. Immeditately she began cuddling the stuffed animal.

 She decided to eat a popsicle and watching television. She was in much better spirits now and the pain was well controlled. They told us that she was doing so good. 


From that point on, she was awake. Her and my mom carried on and had us all laughing. The nurses raved about how great she was taking everything. They didn't have a problem giving her any types of medication or when they needed to check something. She took it as well as anyone could expect after going through a painful surgery as she did. I was truly impressed. She was handling this much better than I expected. 

They told us seeing how she was doing so well, she could go home. They'd prepare her discharge papers while hubby and I dealt with the pharmacy for her medication for home. Once that was squared away, they removed the IV, which she did great at and the vital thing from her finger. She was set to go. We changed her back into her day clothes and gathered up everything within the room.

Hubby ran to get the car while Sunshine hopped into a wheel chair. She couldn't have been happier with the news of going home.

After we loaded up and headed for home, Sunshine's medication for pain started wearing off. Daddy gave her something for the pain. It didn't take long for her to relax. She put in her earphones and enjoyed the ride home.

We made it home with no bad incidents. We helped get her comfortable in the living room on the air mattress. We felt it would be easier for her to sleep with my mom while she was here. This way if anything were to happen, she'd have help. Not to mention, who doesn't like doing things differently every once in a while? Sunshine loved the idea of camping in the living room. 

Shortly after we were settled, she managed to eat some buttered noodles. Then, with her last dose of medication of the night we headed for bed. My mom, hubby, and I took over with shifts when it came to her medicine. I am so happy to have them with me so they can help me through the sleep less nights.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

#Baby gender reveal.... It's A...

Yes... we are super excited to announce that our little rainbow baby is a BOY!!! At first, I wasn't sure how to feel because I've been praying for a little girl. But as soon as the ultrasound technician told us what we are having, I felt so much better. It felt as if a HUGE weight had been removed off of my shoulders. 

Deep down inside where I didn't want to admit, I was actually afraid to have a little girl. I didn't want to feel as if we were replacing Dakota. I know the Lord knows what He's doing and I trust Him with my all. Therefore, I'll be embracing on this new journey with our first little boy. 

Hubby and I are still tossing around names. Once we decide on the final name....I'll reveal it here too!

For now... here are some more pictures for you to enjoy...



Thank you for stopping by and following us on our journey!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Pregnancy is a Blessing

I've been doing a lot of searches lately for pregnancy videos. I have compiled a short list of my favorites to honor mothers everywhere for what they do. Take a look...

Isn't this amazing? 

I can't wait to see my rainbow baby do this!!!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I Am Strong

I am STRONG because at 19 years old, I gave birth to my first daughter, Emma. She cried but one time and stared into my eyes while I held her. 

I am STRONG because I gave up college for that moment in time for the life I was meant to have.

I am STRONG because at 23 years of, my daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder and Pica.

I am STRONG because at 25 years old, I became pregnant with my second daughter, Dakota. She was born May 27, 2013 and didn't make a sound. 

I am STRONG because on June 1, 2013, I buried my child, and I had never thought I would bury a child, but that my child would bury me.

I am STRONG because we didn't get to bring Dakota home. At 40 weeks 5 days, my daughter's heart stopped beating for an unknown reason.  

I am STRONG because I turned to God in my painful time and managed to continue with my life.

I am STRONG because even after our loss, we managed to try to conceive again.

I am STRONG because I have faith in God and he blessed us with our Rainbow baby.

I am STRONG because although you see me parent with 1 child and expecting another, I’m actually a mother of 3.

I am STRONG because pregnancy after a loss is tough and I AM making it!

I am STRONG because I am a SURVIVOR!!!

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Let's Be Honest...TTC and Rainbows

First I'll start off by staying that up to this point, I have been extremely honest with the readers of this blog, but there are some things going on in which I haven't talked about. Therefore, I'm going to put it out there in hopes of possibly comforting another to show them that they're not the only person who feels this way. As well as put my opinion on a few matters out there too.

I'm part of many groups on Facebook that are based on either child loss or being pregnant. Some of the pregnancy groups I am part of are based on just happy mommy's sharing their experiences with one another, while others are mother's of an angel (or several) and understand where I'm coming from. This small piece comes from a few posts that I have seen within the pregnancy groups. First and foremost, the grief one feels after loosing a child doesn't completely disappear! EVER! It's always there waiting to show its ugly face in hopes of bringing the mommy down. It doesn't matter how long its been, the pain will eventually show back up in the most unexpected times. In the circumstance of child loss, I have felt and seen this many times. Within weeks or even months of the loss, mommy's begin thinking of trying for another baby. Several posts I have seen mentioned that the baby had gained his/her wings only weeks prior to the post within the group. The mom is claiming that she's ready to try for another. PLEASE... I understand how anxious you are but please don't hurry back into trying again. It doesn't matter whether or not you miscarried or gave birth, your body needs time to heal...and so does your heart. I've been on this journey with my angel for over ten months and pregnant with my rainbow for 16 weeks 6 days. So, I totally understand. Doctors suggests waiting 3 months (3 menstrual cycles) so the uterine lining can re-establish. If you rush into it the chances of another loss are greater.

I was told to wait at least 3 cycles before trying again. Several doctors I saw told me that it takes about that amount of time for the site where the placenta was attached to heal. Once we got the okay...then we started trying, but that wasn't until about 6 months after we lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days last May. Again I say...please don't try yet...... you need to say goodbye first and grieve. You can't ever replace your baby.Take time to process what has happened to you.  If you rush back into trying again... I REPEAT it could lead to a miscarriage!  

I too thought I was ready to start right away after losing our daughter. I realize now that I was not and it's taken time for me to heal just a little bit. You may think you've accepted it but you will continue to ask yourself why for a long long time. I think it's inevitable for us all to be terrified after what we have been through. However, you MUST take time to process everything. There's no way that after a few weeks or even a few're fine and accepted it. 

(c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda
Which brings me to date... Yes I did mention that I am pregnant with my rainbow baby. But let me tell you this... it's been one hell of a ride since finding out on January 9th. As I progress within this pregnancy, it gets harder emotionally. I recently started feeling little flutters from my "rainbow squishy" (nickname my sister gave the baby). I am feeling them a lot more now and it scares me. I thought I'd be okay because it'd be me a peace of mind that baby's doing fine. Well, it does in a way, however it also reminds me of my precious angel. It reminds me that not even a year ago SHE did the kicking and the flutters. It reminds me of how my body seemed to do it's thing and all was semi good. Until my body betrayed me and I lost my daughter. You see, there is NO SAFE ZONE in pregnancy. You'll think... well if I can get past the mark where we lost our angel then all will be fine. That I will have to say is a BIG NEGATIVE! 

My husband and I went through my ENTIRE pregnancy where everything seemed PERFECT. That is a full 40 weeks 5 days. As it gets closer, my emotions go everywhere. I can't help but to think about my angels movements when I feel my rainbow. This was something I didn't think about when we began to try again. I didn't think about "What if we are blessed with a boy this time and not a girl? I'll have no choice but to donate our daughters stuff so we can make room for a little boy." This thought kills me. Yes, either way I'm going to love my baby. However, I can't get the want for a girl to go away because my heart is still with Dakota. I still have those dreams for her that will NEVER come true here on earth. 

In closing, I ask that you please take the time for YOU to GRIEVE and be sure that you will be able to handle all of these emotions before getting pregnant again. The roller coaster of emotions is enough to drive anyone crazy if they're not prepared.