Capture Your Grief - Day 16 - Creative Grief

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou

There are several things I did for Dakota after I lost her. As I have mentioned before, I wrote about her short, sweet life here on earth and shared it for the world to read. I started a garden, which I had to leave behind when I moved from the house we were living in at the time. I took up taking photo's of nature. 

Here are some of the nature photo's I have taken since she passed away:

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Wish List.

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

Today's writing prompt is for us to share our wishes for our grief journey. I feel as if I somewhat belong in this journey, however, a part of me doesn't. Crazy, isn't it? I thought so too. Then, I got to thinking. Why would any of my wishes have to be for the grief itself?

So, here's my rambling thoughts of wishes:

1. I wish Pregnancy and Infant Loss DID NOT exist. No mother/father should have to part ways with their children. No matter how many times I say this... it's never enough.

2. I wish the media and the world showed their support for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness like they do with breast cancer. Yes, the breast are important. But so are the babies.

3. I wish to always strive to keep Dakota's memory alive by doing everything in my power to make her story known. I wrote it and published it... now to get it into as many hands as possible.

4. I wish my rainbow will always know BOTH of his sisters as he grows. I want him to tell the world he has TWO sisters, not one.

5. I wish my daughter could let go of the anger, bitterness, and heartache so she can FULLY live life with joy and peace.

6. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could hug and kiss my daughter. I wish I could watch her grow up.

7. I wish for further wisdom, for deeper relationships, for a way to bring light to those in need, to be more playful, to further my connection with Greg and our daughter, for more laughter, and for others to see the light within themselves!

8. I wish to continue to keep healing and to find peace and understanding.

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - Memory.

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The one memory that has haunted me for the past two years and still hurts to this day is when I had to tell my oldest that her baby sister gained her wings. I dreaded her arrival at the hospital. She was expecting a baby sister, but she got an angel sister instead. The look in her face when realization set in tears up my heart. I wish to this day that I could have carried her heartache and I wish she didn't have to feel the loss at such a young age. 

My oldest, Sunshine, dreamed of the things she wanted to teach her baby sister. I listened to her plans and hopes. I saw her smile and her joy over sharing her bedroom with her baby sister. She excitedly helped me put the baby clothes in the dresser after they were washed. I watched her as she helped me split the room she had to herself for three years by herself to make room for her baby sister.

I also watched as joy and happiness had been stolen from her face when she realized we weren't taking a baby home from the hospital. The way she joyfully ran into that hospital room asking for her baby sister turned to fear and heartache. 

My heart aches as I remember her asking me, "Mommy, why is all of my siblings taken away from me?" or "Why did God allow this to happen to MY sister. I wanted her." She cried to me as I held her.

These are the memories I'm trying to let go of, but they seem to bury themselves deep into my soul. To this day, I pray for my daughter and her healing. I believe the loss of her sister has caused her to hate the world around her and it shows in her attitude. :(

Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

After the kids are in bed, I sit comfortably in my overly fluffy recliner when I get my chance to relax from the long day. As I sit here, I am surrounded by different memorial items that remind me of my precious daughter, Dakota. Images of her lifeless body beautifully positioned line my walls. Angel figurines line my shelves. A butterfly wind chime hangs from the floor lamp that's surrounded with a rainbow scarf. All of these bring me to tears when I actually sit and look at them. The corner shelf that sits behind me holds the plaster molds of the only thing that makes me feel close to her...her hands and feet. I pick them up, gently hold them and caress them while wishing it was really her that I was touching. Oh, to feel her skin against mine again. My heart breaks many times over during a single day for my daughter who was taken too soon from me. At times when I am in a slump and overloaded with grief, I'll grab my phone, put my ear buds in, and play the songs I have saved under a playlist just for her. There in that comfy chair, I cry for the daughter I only have spiritually. 

Day after day, for the past year and eight months, I've mourned the loss of my daughter. I sit and wonder when will this pain end? When will I be over the grieving and the pain of her absence? 

I've lost loved ones before. However, it's completely different losing your daughter compared to an Uncle or Grandparent. Grief lingers on for years after the loss of a child. I'm well aware of this because I know other angel parents who have been on this path for sixteen or more years. Guess what, they still feel the same way they did on the day they learned of their loss. 

In society, it seems as if one is expected to feel grief and mourn for several months after the loss. After a few months, it seems as if grieving for longer periods of time is unacceptable. It's like by then the person should be over it by then. Beyond the few month mark, a lot of people go back to life the way they lived it before the loss and assume those closest to the passed, has moved on too. 

I am here to tell you that way of thinking couldn't be more wrong. The loss of a child leaves a void in your life and in your heart for years to come. I believe it'll remain there until you're reunited with the child you never had the chance to know. 

Now that a year has passed and we're slowly making our way to the two-year mark, grieving for me has went from doing it openly to doing it in the privacy of my own home. (Normally in the shower because for some reason it's embarrassing to cry for my daughter.) There are only a select few that I choose to discuss my pain and grief with now. A year ago, I was shouting it to anyone that would listen. 

Is it okay to admit that I still feel the same way today as I did on the day I found out she didn't have her precious heartbeat?

I've been praying for the Lord to ease this pain and to make the grief manageable. I ask him to make it manageable and not take it fully away because I believe with the grief, I have been brought closer to him. I believe the grief that has been given to me is....a gift. 

The shattered heart, endless tears, the endless yanking at the strings of your heart, and the screams of overwhelming pain would be something that would make anyone want to run away from. It'd make anyone want to turn away and run in the opposite direction. But if we're willing, if we are open to accepting this gift from the Lord, this gift of grief, we will discover the blessings which are hidden within the creases of grief. 

When we (human beings) were created, we were created to live in the beautiful Garden of Eden without the feelings of loss let alone any grief. We weren't designed to experience the hardship we face today. Grief tends to focus on the eternal values in life by making us remember the lessons were taught in the moments of the loss of our child. It helps us see exactly what matters and want doesn't. It tends to help us value our time here on earth and guides us to use every second with purpose. Before the experience of grief, God and Heaven seem to be in the back of our minds, buried beneath a to-do list, as well as our hopes and dreams list. Grief pushes God and Heaven to the front of our minds and we tend to focus more on Him once we have experienced loss. Loss reminds us that in our time, we will be united with our loved ones in Heaven one day. Thus, giving us hope. 

To experience grief like I have, to the extent that I have has taught me a valuable lesson and made me think of things that had never crossed my mind before. I find myself dreaming of the day I get to pass from this life into the waiting arms of Jesus Christ. I find myself dreaming of what a day that will be. I imagine how the warmth of the sun will warm me as I experience true happiness for the first time. Once again, grief is a gift.

Death tends to remind us of our time here on earth and it reminds us that life isn't promised. Tomorrow isn't promised. Therefore, in our midst of grief we long to live a full life that's pleasing to our Lord and Savior. It makes us take a look at our priorities we have for ourselves and adjust them accordingly. It motivates us to be more disciplined in Christ and live a life full of faith. Grief's gift is a reality check. 

The loss of my child took me to the end of my strength which made me rely fully on God's strength to get by. I can't stop grieving for my daughter. I feel powerless against the overwhelming feelings that I have. It's only through God's strength that I have made it this far. It's His strength that helps me face a new day and with that all the new challenges that I come across. 

I have found grief as a gift through relationships. When we experience a deep loss, like the one I did, we tend to feel needier than what we once were. Therefore, not only do we find strong relationships with those who the Lord placed in our lives, but we also build a stronger relationship with Him. Grief leads us to pray more, thus building the relationship that matters the most. My relationship with Christ. Prayer always brings us closer to Christ. It inspires us to communicate with Him, because He's the ONLY one who can comfort us the way we need. The voids we feel are filled only by Him. Although the Lord won't remove those voids from our lives, he will fill them and embrace us with his love, strength, and compassion. Grief helps us to value our loved ones who are still here with us more. It shows us that they are meant to be here with you to give you a physical sense of being and comfort. It helps us to value these people because the grief made it easy to see their value in our life. Aren't we supposed to look at others as the Lord would? Grief helps us to do that. It gives us a glimpse into how we are supposed to live life ALL THE TIME, not just in the time of hardships. 

By viewing grief as a gift, we open ourselves for the Lord and for the blessings He has in store for us!

I truly can't wait to experience the blessing of Life with the grief I will carry on until I am resting in the arms of my Savior. 

Bringing Home Our Rainbow Baby: After Loss

Pregnancy is a time of happiness and joy. For many, it's full of fear and worry. When a couple brings home their new baby after losing one, life changes again. The fear and worry don't go away once baby comes into the world screaming and full of life. The fear and worry just shift to other things in focus. Many questions I have asked was: Will he die too? Is he still breathing? Oh no, what if he dies of SIDS?

As a mother of loss and a rainbow, here are a few things that I want my family and friends to know:

1. I'm more confused now more than ever. At times I may think I'm holding my angel when I'm really holding my rainbow. It's confusing because I'm holding my rainbow baby while missing another baby. Certain facial expressions that my rainbow makes has me doing flashbacks in my mind of my angel. Believe me, it sounds crazy but I'm not crazy. So, when I try to express my feelings to you, just listen. I know my baby is dead and isn't coming back. I understand that my rainbow is a completely different baby. It's hard enough on me without the judgement of others.

2. I'm still grieving.  Some may think this way and it's wrong. However, just because I have this brand new bundle of joy in my arms, doesn't mean that I don't miss my angel. I hate how people describe grieving as a process. Just as I have read before, a process is something that has an end. When grieving the child you lost, there will NEVER be an end. Some may think that just because I have a living and breathing child in my arms, all should be better. Nope, actually this takes me back to number one and adds to the confusion. The questions I once asked when I first lost my angel come back once again. Why is my rainbow here with me and my angel couldn't be? What would life be like if my angel was here with my rainbow? These are just a few examples.

3. My heart longs for my angel and at times I want her. Don't get me wrong. I love my rainbow baby with my all being. It's not that I don't want him. Believe me I went through hell to have him here. There was A LOT of tears, fear, and pain to get where I am today. I worked with every ounce of who I am to ensure that on my end, my rainbow came into this world alive. I just wish with ever fiber of my soul that my angel was still here with us.

4. Fear and anxiety is still here but it's stronger. I'm really scared. Actually, this is my normal. For the past year this has been my life. Starting in October of 2013, I was scared that I wouldn't get pregnant. The anxiety took over with each pregnancy test. Then once I saw the test come back with a positive, the fear and anxiety shifted. I worried during the entire nine months and thought only about, "What if it happened again?" When I was about nine months pregnant, the fear and anxiety rocketed sky high. I learned that I had polyhydramnios. I was put on bed rest because this made me at a higher risk for preterm labor and once again the chances of another stillborn went up. I had two appointments each week from that point on. Labor came and I was induced. Fear and anxiety was at it's max and pushing itself to the limits. Up until the moment I heard his first cry, this was all that I felt.

Now that he's here.... that doesn't mean it went away. I worry about him ALL THE TIME. As I stated in the start of this post, I don't believe this will fully go away.

5. I have a hard time with others holding my rainbow or trusting them with him. The moment I'm asked, "Oh, can I hold him?" Or when someone reaches out and takes him from my arms, panic sets in. I'm super scared that something could happen which would result in his untimely death. There are so many sicknesses and diseases being talked about within the news, I'm worried that he'd catch it since he's only had two rounds of his immunization shots. Plus, he's still little and his immune system is still developing.

MOST OF ALL, I still need you. Please don't go. All may seem well. The heartaches is still there now more than it ever was. Don't drift away from me. I'm really not okay. 

Catching up with the Buda Family

Whoa, the life of a mother with two children is completely different. Then add in being a full time author with it and exclusive breastfeeding. You have the formula for a very busy Mommy, which explains why I haven't wrote a post updating you until now.

So, Hubby FINALLY got the job he has been wanting for a while. They called yesterday and set up an interview for 9 AM this morning. By 9:05 he was told his first day is December 2nd!! So, now he will have more time with the kids and he will be making more on the hour.

Lots is new with the kids. Sunshine has been having a rough time in school for the last few months. Her behavior went from well behaved to excessive talking and not following directions. Not to mention that she's went from a school that didn't implement the common core math yet. So that adds to the struggle. However, we have had her in to see her doctor who diagnosed her with ADHD and prescribed Concerta. She's been on this now for a week. I'm praying this helps her out. 

Baby Boy is growing very well and is still exclusively breastfed. This is a blessing in its own because I so badly wanted this experience with Dakota. I didn't have the support that I needed with Sunshine, but my Husband is very supportive with Rainbow. He's being treated for acid reflux. The medication they gave him seems to help. I just wish there was something I could do for his gas. **Any tips would be very much appreciated.**

Right now we are planning a move, again. The home we moved into wasn't suitable for my children. So we are looking for a better home. Unfortunately, this means another school transfer may be in the future for Sunshine. 

Well, this is an overview of what's been going on. Keep an eye open for another update coming soon. 

Rising up from Grief to Hope: A Tribute to Dakota

Today marks one year since I last saw my beautiful daughter, Dakota. So much has happened within the past year where at times I have no idea how to process it. So, this post is a tribute to my daughter Dakota. Here are the things we did in the past year to keep her memory alive and show our love for her. 

This photo is of the gathering we had directly after her funeral. The wonderful church family we have gave a memorial dinner and we did a balloon release directly after. This was the beginning of the new for us. I never thought something as simple as watching a balloon float into the sky could raise such emotion in me. But it reminds me of how quickly Dakota left and how silent her passing was. 

Our oldest daughter watched each balloon until they were out of sight, while I cried and my husband held me. This moment in time reminded me just how important family really is. That's when I made the promise to our daughter Dakota that I will NEVER let her go. Her memory will always remain alive as long as I am alive. 

Each holiday that passed, we decorated her grave site with different items to show we were thinking of her. The firsts are the worst but we made it through. The heartache was unbearable at times. I couldn't have imagined that when I turned 26, I'd be mourning the death of my child.

We dedicated a small part of our living room to her, which over

time became half of the living room. So many wonderful people wanted to help us remember our precious daughter. I can't express how much this meant to me and still does. Every time I share a thought or a part of my grieve with those who have followed our journey, they always leave words of encouragement. But most of all, it showed me that I'm/we aren't alone.

Another way I remembered Dakota was in a book dedicated to her and her story. I wanted people to know who she was and what had happened to her. So, through the pain and tears I wrote her story. As a tribute to her I made sure it was published on October 15, 2013, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My hopes for her book is that everyone out there reads it and learns. But most of all I pray her story helps others who are going through the same thing and they can find hope like I did. My faith remained strong and I straightened up my life so I can be with her again.

I pushed through my grief and my hope was restored. Dakota taught me a lot over the past year and I am so grateful God chose me to be her mother. The 40 weeks 5 days I had with her will always stay with me. 

So in closing, Dakota is not only my daughter, but my inspiration. She's inspired me to go with the flow, trust in God, and enjoy life. For this is all she did. Not one time did she ever feel anything but love. How amazing that type of life would be!

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven

Today is my daughter's first birthday in Heaven. The emotions that have been going through me are explainable. I feel like I'm suffocating at times but I am thankful that my Mom and sister have come to spend the day with me. 

I woke this morning around 5 AM (eastern time) not being able to sleep. To my surprise, I walked into the kitchen and my oldest daughter was sitting at the table. She was having a hard time sleeping too. I gave her a snack and something to drink. Then she headed back to bed.

As 5:45 AM rolled around, the tears were rolling. This was the time when I was preparing to deliver my daughter. 

Small images flashed through my mind of this horrible day. I couldn't help but picture what had happened in that moment. The emotions became too overwhelming and I had to wake up my husband. He and I sat on our porch while the sun came up and the stars disappeared. We hugged each other while the pain coursed through us. 

This past Saturday, May 24th my family and I surrounded her grave with love and celebrated. Here are some of the pictures. 

 The day couldn't have turned out any more perfect. The weather was warm but not too hot. No rain and we even got to enjoy a Memorial Day Parade in our town. 

In closing I wanted to do a HUGE shout out to my angel and wish her a 

Happy Birthday in Heaven!!!

Please Don't Cry by Rae-Beth McGee-Buda

Please Don't Cry

Written by Rae-Beth McGee-Buda

(c) All Rights Reserved*

Please Mommy don't cry.

We don't have to say good-bye.

I know it broke your heart,

but we really aren't apart.

I'm safely tucked in angels wings

as they gently sooth my dreams.

Dear Daddy, please don't cry.

The angels sing me lullabies

that gently tuck me in at night,

which makes me feel safe from fright.

Dear Sister, please don't cry.

As you sit and wonder why.

We will be together again someday

and we'll be able to laugh and play. 

Dear Baby Brother, please don't cry.

for I am always near by.

We will be together soon,

for I will always love you.

In memory of Dakota Emily Buda. 

5-27-13

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!

*The following poem is for your enjoyment only and is protected by copyright laws. Do NOT use the poem as your own. If you wish to share, please use the sharing options below this post. 

Thank you. 

Pregnant after a Loss- Part 1

 *Warning writing my thoughts as they happen, therefore they may jump around a bit.*

When I became a mom for the first time, I never thought I could love another so much. Then, I gave birth to an angel... and have so much more love for another who isn't physically with me. I love my children so much... it physically hurts. For my oldest daughter, I worry everyday about her well being and whether or not she'll be leaving me next. Isn't that crazy?? I hate thinking this way but my security in life has been pulled away from me and I walk by Faith alone.

But... I am NOT perfect. I struggle with putting it all in the Lords hands and moving forward. But hey... I'm only human. Lately I find myself missing my angel daughter more than ever. Her first birthday is coming up on the 27th. It hurts so bad knowing that I'm planning a memorial birthday party at her grave, instead of at the park where she'll be playing with her sister and cousins. I have the main idea of how I'd like the party to go, but when it comes to actually planning it... I can't. It hurts so bad! 

 

Meanwhile, I need to keep the stress on myself down as much as possible for our little boy. It's hard to do though because as the pregnancy progresses... the more fear rises within me. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid to move, breath, or even live because I don't want to loose him. I'm part of several groups on Facebook for grieving parents and I felt the need to leave them because they added into the fear that we would loose our rainbow too. 

 

I often find myself feeling a bunch of emotions when it comes to our angel and our rainbow. I'm so happy the Lord has blessed us so soon with our rainbow. However, I can't help but to feel as if we have been cheated out of the love we have for our angel. We dreamed for 40 weeks and 5 days of this little girl. We dreamed of what life would be like with two girls instead of one. After nine months of dreams, our lives were turned upside down. 

 

Instead of bringing our daughter home in her brand new outfit and car seat, we left the hospital empty handed. Our little girl had been taken from us but those hopes for our little girl were still very much alive, as they are now. I can't help but to think I have been cheated. My little girl was taken from me and replaced by a boy. Don't get me wrong...we are super excited to be having a boy. However, it's bittersweet. 

 

It's especially hard when everyone around me is pregnant with girls or just had their little girl. With each pregnancy I've had, we hoped for a boy and were blessed with girls. This one time in my life, I wanted so badly to have a girl. I know I'm coming across as selfish or whatever, but unless you have been where I am...you have no idea what it feels like. I can't help but to feel jealous of those who are preparing for a little girl.

 

I personally can say that this journey with pregnancy after a loss is hard. Especially when it's not even a year later and I'm expecting again. I feel guilty for all these feelings and thoughts. I even find it hard to bond with the little guy within me. I fear that if I do... he'll be taken away too. I'm so afraid to do anything. I find myself freaking out when I haven't felt him move in a while. So, I run off to grab the heart doppler, lay down, and frantically search for his heartbeat. If I don't find it right away, I begin to panic and cry thinking it's happening again. Then, I faintly hear it. Relief floods through me and I can relax. 

 

I can honestly say that pregnancy isn't all joyful for me and I don't believe it will ever be again. The innocents I once had during my pregnancy is gone for good. So, for you Momma's out there who haven't been forced down this dreadful path, take that as a blessing. For you know what it's like to feel pure joy and happiness that I will not feel again.

Until next time... take care and God Bless...

Let's Be Honest...TTC and Rainbows

First I'll start off by staying that up to this point, I have been extremely honest with the readers of this blog, but there are some things going on in which I haven't talked about. Therefore, I'm going to put it out there in hopes of possibly comforting another to show them that they're not the only person who feels this way. As well as put my opinion on a few matters out there too.

I'm part of many groups on Facebook that are based on either child loss or being pregnant. Some of the pregnancy groups I am part of are based on just happy mommy's sharing their experiences with one another, while others are mother's of an angel (or several) and understand where I'm coming from. This small piece comes from a few posts that I have seen within the pregnancy groups. First and foremost, the grief one feels after loosing a child doesn't completely disappear! EVER! It's always there waiting to show its ugly face in hopes of bringing the mommy down. It doesn't matter how long its been, the pain will eventually show back up in the most unexpected times. In the circumstance of child loss, I have felt and seen this many times. Within weeks or even months of the loss, mommy's begin thinking of trying for another baby. Several posts I have seen mentioned that the baby had gained his/her wings only weeks prior to the post within the group. The mom is claiming that she's ready to try for another. PLEASE... I understand how anxious you are but please don't hurry back into trying again. It doesn't matter whether or not you miscarried or gave birth, your body needs time to heal...and so does your heart. I've been on this journey with my angel for over ten months and pregnant with my rainbow for 16 weeks 6 days. So, I totally understand. Doctors suggests waiting 3 months (3 menstrual cycles) so the uterine lining can re-establish. If you rush into it the chances of another loss are greater.

I was told to wait at least 3 cycles before trying again. Several doctors I saw told me that it takes about that amount of time for the site where the placenta was attached to heal. Once we got the okay...then we started trying, but that wasn't until about 6 months after we lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days last May. Again I say...please don't try yet...... you need to say goodbye first and grieve. You can't ever replace your baby.Take time to process what has happened to you.  If you rush back into trying again... I REPEAT it could lead to a miscarriage!  

I too thought I was ready to start right away after losing our daughter. I realize now that I was not and it's taken time for me to heal just a little bit. You may think you've accepted it but you will continue to ask yourself why for a long long time. I think it's inevitable for us all to be terrified after what we have been through. However, you MUST take time to process everything. There's no way that after a few weeks or even a few months..you're fine and accepted it. 

(c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Which brings me to date... Yes I did mention that I am pregnant with my rainbow baby. But let me tell you this... it's been one hell of a ride since finding out on January 9th. As I progress within this pregnancy, it gets harder emotionally. I recently started feeling little flutters from my "rainbow squishy" (nickname my sister gave the baby). I am feeling them a lot more now and it scares me. I thought I'd be okay because it'd be me a peace of mind that baby's doing fine. Well, it does in a way, however it also reminds me of my precious angel. It reminds me that not even a year ago SHE did the kicking and the flutters. It reminds me of how my body seemed to do it's thing and all was semi good. Until my body betrayed me and I lost my daughter. You see, there is NO SAFE ZONE in pregnancy. You'll think... well if I can get past the mark where we lost our angel then all will be fine. That I will have to say is a BIG NEGATIVE! 

My husband and I went through my ENTIRE pregnancy where everything seemed PERFECT. That is a full 40 weeks 5 days. As it gets closer, my emotions go everywhere. I can't help but to think about my angels movements when I feel my rainbow. This was something I didn't think about when we began to try again. I didn't think about "What if we are blessed with a boy this time and not a girl? I'll have no choice but to donate our daughters stuff so we can make room for a little boy." This thought kills me. Yes, either way I'm going to love my baby. However, I can't get the want for a girl to go away because my heart is still with Dakota. I still have those dreams for her that will NEVER come true here on earth. 

In closing, I ask that you please take the time for YOU to GRIEVE and be sure that you will be able to handle all of these emotions before getting pregnant again. The roller coaster of emotions is enough to drive anyone crazy if they're not prepared.

Pregnancy Dreams

I do not own the copyright to this photo. (C)

Many women would agree that dreams within a pregnancy are something else. Most of the time my dreams are funny and entertaining. But, what about dreams during a pregnancy after one experienced a loss? Dreams then come in a variety. Most of the time, my dreams result in my waking up in tears, as I did today.

My favorite dream this far was with two kangaroos. The dream went a bit like this:

Hubby and I were at the park with our rainbow baby while our oldest daughter was at school. I had a little girl full of smiles in my arms as I played with her. As I was talking to her, I noticed she wasn't saying much and I recall saying to her, "Baby girl we should work on your words. By the time Sissy was your age, she was talking so much." Then I looked over the baby's head to the left and saw an enormous kangaroo headed our way. Quickly I yelled for my husband and told him we needed to hide. We found a play set made for younger children and hid under it. I listened for the kangaroo and when I saw it, it ran right into the fence surrounding the park. Once it recomposed itself, it hopped over the fence and ran to the other side of the park. While I waited to see what this kangaroo was going to do, I cuddled our baby girl closely to my chest. 

A few minutes later, I saw two kangaroo's headed back towards us. The crazy thing was that they were riding a bicycle. Immediately I recall asking my Husband about when they learned how to ride bikes. (This part makes me giggle.)

Once they reached us, the male kangaroo bent down to our view and asked if we knew of any other kangaroo's that he could set his son up with and start a family. I told him no and that he shouldn't be pressing a relationship onto his son kangaroo unless his son was interested. 

That's when I woke up. Yep, a totally pointless dream but yet it was entertaining. 

Now, there are dreams that I HATE having. The type of dreams that are so vivid that when you wake up, you still think you're in that dream. Well, I had one of those this morning. Let me tell you what I recall from this dream. (I only remember pieces.)

I was visiting a good friend of mine in my old town where I grew up. I remember it was a cold winter night. The snow was coming down so hard I could hardly see my surroundings. As Heather and I stood on her front porch, she had asked me, "Did you have your baby yet?" I replied to her, "No, we didn't get our rainbow, she died right before I gave birth to her." **This is when an image of a baby girl lying on her side came into mind for a small second.*** I continued to tell Heather, "We plan on burying her in the same plot with her sister and getting a double headstone for them. I figured putting them together, they wouldn't be alone." Then, I busted into tears.

The next part of the dream I remember is...

My Husband, Mom, and I went back to the same funeral home that took care of Dakota. I took another beautiful dress and headband to him for our rainbow baby. Once he had her outfit, I told him that I'd like to dress her because I never once got to dress Dakota. He allowed it. That's when I saw this beautiful little baby girl who looked like her sister laying on a cold, metal table. We walked over to her and I dressed her through my tears. I was yelling out that it wasn't fair for us to keep having baby's and them be taken away like that. 

After she was dressed and we kissed her farewell, we headed upstairs to the funeral director's office to pick out the casket, do paperwork, and write up the obituary. 

The dream jumps to here:

Family once again surround us a little over a year after we laid Dakota to rest. But this time it was for our rainbow baby. My sister played music from her phone once again, although this time a different song played. I stood at the side of our precious daughter's grave crying. I could tell that by this point crying was all I had done because my eyes were so sore. The salt from my tears burned as they fell from my eyes. I screamed up to the sky. My heart was shattered only this time it felt much worse. I recall saying, "How many times can a heart be broken before it's beyond repair?" Then I fell to the ground crying for both of my daughters. 

Then, I end up here:

I'm laying in bed hugging another pink blanket while I cry. I laid there crying for hours. I even saw daylight coming on in the sky. I promised myself from that point on I would never try for another child because I wasn't going to do this over and over again. I balled myself up while holding my empty belly and screamed out in agony.

That's when I woke up. The scene before me was the same as I last saw in my dreams. I had tears coming down my face, the sun was beginning to rise, and I was holding onto Dakota's pink blanket. This briefly made me believe my dream was real. I silently laid there crying so I wouldn't wake my husband. That's when my alarm went off. I quickly turned it off and got out of bed. I came downstairs to notice there weren't any traces of papers that said I was at the funeral home. I looked at my Facebook to finally realize it had all been a dream. 

Man I hate dreams like that!!!

Happy 9th Angelversary, Dakota

HAPPY 9TH ANGELVERSARY IN HEAVEN DARLING!!! 

9 months ago today my world changed forever. I went to the hospital in labor thinking I would be bringing home our second daughter. Instead my world was shoved into a blender and tossed about. I have learned so much within the last 9 months and I believe each lesson was needed for me to learn. I learned how to love fully and forgive easily. I learned who my real friends were and gained some amazing new ones along the way. I became closer to God and began living my life fully for him. In return, the Lord showed me just how strong I am. I know for a fact that with the Lord I can and will make it through anything.

With that said, today is not only a milestone for Dakota but for me as well. This is the first angelversay of my daughter I never met. For in the past, this day was rough. But today was much different. I found myself being able to fully laugh and love, instead of cry while screaming to the Heavens why. It's a bittersweet day for me.

I love knowing that Dakota will NOT know what it's like to have her heart broken or know what any pain is for that matter. She only knows love and happiness. Her entire existence here on earth was filled with love and when her time came... she was greeted with the angels and Jesus. How could I want anything different for her? Every mother wants what is best for their child. I am no different. My daughter was born into the arms of Jesus!! You don't get any better than that!!!

Happy 9 month angelversary, Dakota. I can't wait to look into your eyes for the first time and hear you speak for the first time. I do know that I'll be seeing you soon. Until then, fly high and watch over Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy.

I love you to the moon and back; forever and infinity!

TTC Month One- Update

Well, it looks as if November wasn't our month. I got a bit excited this round because AF (Aunt Flo) decided to make her presence known today. For the past few months, she has been faithfully present every 26 days. It just seems as if she's back to a 28 day cycle. I didn't allow my hopes to be brought up, because I know we will conceive when it's on God's time and when it's right.

So, in the meantime.. I'll be having fun at least trying. :)

In other news, if you don't already know...I have written my story and journey with my daughter Dakota, along with her loss. I am an angel Mom, but what I can tell you is that life and the pain gets better. Does it totally disappear? No. I know the pain will NEVER completely disappear, but I refuse to sit around and drown myself in the sorrows. I want my daughter's memory to be honored. I want her life to be the reason why another person picks themselves up, and carries on with life. There is so much more than we realize here on earth. It's much more then in a physical form. It's also in a spirtial form too.

We as humans have a vast and complex mind, and we can endure so much more than we realize. So, if you're a mother who has had a loss recently and you're reading this... please take heed to my words. Even though it might now feel like the pain will never end and you will never be okay... stop right there. Pain only lasts as long as you allow it to. Well, the majority of it. We can take the pain and use it for good. As an example, I poured the pain into my book, Saying Goodbye Without Saying Hello and let me tell you...by the time I was done was done writing my story...I felt so much better. I decided I was no longer allowing the pain to control me, but I will control it. Dakota will be a treasured memory of mine and I am thankful for each moment the Lord allowed me to have with her. I wouldn't change it for the world.

So I leave you with this, freedom or pain? It's your choice. You can free yourself from the pain by directing the pain in a positive way. The outlet will be amazing in the end. Believe me... this isn't the end of you... it's only the beginning of you. Grasp it and take control. Your angel is a precious memory who will always be with you.

Alone... nah.. I've got Jesus

Do you see the Angel? (c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Over the past five months, one thing has tried to settle into me, but hasn't. Therefore, it seems like it's invisibly floating around waiting for the perfect moment. Loneliness. There's been many people to come and go within my life since May. I'm beyond grateful for those who have come and stayed. But overall, I am thankful for the ones who have come into my life for the brief moments that they did.

Every so often I begin to feel betrayed and alone. The feelings sneak up on me quickly and from out of no where. I feel anger and hatred. Yet, I swiftly push them away. I know this is the enemy trying to work his way in, like he's been trying to do since Dakota gained her wings.

I quickly push him away and cry out to our Lord. I will not let him overtake me. I am a child of God and I have the Faith that he's always with me. I may feel like I am alone on this earth, but I am not.

At times I feel like no one will ever understand what I am going through, but I am wrong. God knows. He lost his son to, only to gain him in his spirit form. The Lord knows my pain all too well. Therefore, I am not alone.

When people say they will always be there, and then they're no where to be found when needed. I remind myself, call upon Christ. He's always willing to listen.

When I call upon that friend and I hear reason after reason for their absence, I remember that the Lord will NEVER give me a reason why he wasn't there for me, because he will never leave me. All I have to do is call upon him.

Without God, I am nothing. But with God, I can be everything He wants me to be. So, I want to dedicate this blog post to Our Lord Jesus Christ and thank Him for not turning his back on me. Thank you Lord Jesus for being with me in my darkest of days and holding me while I weep. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through every day. You're an amazing Father!!!!

Appreciating the Nurses

I'm beyond thrilled. If you've read my book about my journey with Dakota, you will know a bit about what I am talking about. While being pregnant with Dakota, I decided to go to West Virginia University Hospitals and see the OB/GYN doctor there. I was familiar with the way they worked things within a pregnancy and was comfortable with them, due to the fact that they had also helped bring my oldest daughter, Emma into the world.

Everything went great with Emma, so why not go back? So, I did. We all know the outcome of what happened, but what I'd like to express is my sincere gratitude for all those who were on the clock the night Miss Dakota gained her wings.

From the moment of those dreaded words and up until today, they have been amazing. First, they showed the utmost respect for me and my family during our tragic time. They kept me in what I needed and there was no need to ask. They constantly checked in but didn't hover. They bathed Dakota and dressed her in a beautiful little dress.

As I was watching the nurses face while she was taking our family photo's with Dakota, she could hardly contain her tears. For she was mourning our loss too. While seeing her tears, this showed me that my pain was real and my daughter mattered.

I want to do a shout out to the head nurse who called me this past week. She got word that I was upset that my daughter didn't get a hospital bracelet. Well, she got all of Dakota's measurements off of me because she's planning on making one for her. This means so much to me. I am beyond words in expressing how much this woman did for me. For the past five months, I wondered why Dakota didn't get one. But now that's about to change. Miss Dakota will have one coming in the mail soon. I'm super excited.

So.....

Thank you to the Nurses and Doctor who was on the clock the early morning of May 27, 2013. You're absolutely wonderful and I am blessed with the fact that I had you there. The sympathy you have shown, shows me that people who haven't went through a loss are still affected by the loss, even if they don't know the person personally.

One Step Closer....

As I am writing this post, I have a tear rolling down my cheek. I am hurting. I had no choice but to do something I wasn't truly ready for. I did it for my oldest daughter, who needed it done. She was going to share her room with our precious Dakota, therefore the nursery side of the bedroom was still together. It looked the same way it did when my husband and I put it together.

Emma came to me and said.. "Mommy, you know all the baby stuff in my room? Could you do something with it? It hurts to see it while falling asleep and that's why I don't play in there anymore. It reminds me that Sissy is in heaven and not here."

This broke my heart. "Of course" I told her with the best smile I could muster. I gathered my cleaning stuff and extra garbage bags. Then, headed upstairs. I cried the entire time. Each shirt I put into a bag, each bib, every blanket.... a tear fell for each.

As of today, the nursery doesn't exist. It's gone. My daughter has her space back. Everything but the crib is going into storage until we need it again.

The "Nursery" Side.... GONE!!!

I just want to scream! I am in so much pain. I never imagined when I put the crib bedding in... that a baby wouldn't sleep on it... Dakota wouldn't use it! 

Lord, I pray... take away this unbearable pain. - Amen!

Daddy of Two Angels In Heaven #StillbornAwareness #rememberance

Most know me as Buda or Greg. I am a Marine. I am a Husband. I work hard and life for me is difficult. I am a daddy to a little girl who lights up my life, but I'm also a daddy to two angels in heaven.

I write this post for my son, Cougar Lee and my daughter Dakota Emily. 

As a father who lost a daughter due to stillbirth in May 2013, I am here to tell my side of the story. It is a long healing road and everywhere I turn its angel mom this or angel mom that. People don’t realize that the loss affects the fathers just as much as the mothers. People automatically think those other than the mother don't feel the loss as deeply as the mother, because Daddy's don't feel the baby's every move. We don't feel their hiccups. We don't feel the aches and pains with pregnancy.

I am here to tell you. WE DO! The loss hurts just the same. Here's my story:

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. Do I tell you of the yearning I have on a daily basis for my little angel? Do I jump right into our loss? Would a bit of background add to my story? This I don't know. So, I guess I'll start from the beginning of Dakota's Life.

We suspected it before she took the test but didn’t say anything. We thought it could have been a late month, because of stress of our wedding and me starting a new job. I don’t think that I had any kind of special reaction.

As any daddy, I was excited but it was kind of an “awesome, I’m a daddy again” type of reaction. While I watched my wife's body change from our growing daughter, the anticipation grew. I couldn't wait to feel Dakota kicking and moving, which is what I wanted to see the most. I loved playing with Emma and I was the only one able to get her from under Beth’s ribs. I was hoping for more of the same with Dakota.

When my wife told me she thought she was in labor, I was ecstatic. She had spent the weekend with her Mom while I stayed home for work. I was so excited during my drive to the hospital and couldn’t wait to get there to meet Dakota. The ride was probably the longest trip I ever made to the hospital. It felt like an eternity before I pulled into the parking lot, and met my beautiful wife at the doors of the emergency room.

After my wife was checked in, I watched her proudly as she conquered each contraction, which I could only imagine what they felt like. Looking at her eyes and the way she reacted to each contraction, makes me think they aren't fun. We were forced to wait for someone from Labor and Delivery to make their way down from the sixth floor to transport my wife to a triage room. I was impatient. It felt like the doctors were taking forever to come get her, even though the wait was a short amount of time. I was antsy, while sitting there fidgeting and watching my wife.

I was amazed with my wife and her pain tolerance. She focused on each contraction and went through them like a pro. As I watched her work with her body to bring Dakota into the world, I saw just how truly amazing she is. She didn't complain about the pain. She toughed her way through it.

By the time we made it to the triage room, the contractions were coming at full force and I watched my wife bend over the bed in pain. As her husband, I reassured her that she was doing great and everything was okay. She changed into the hospital gown, and I helped her onto the bed. Shortly after, the nurse came in.

Everything I knew became turned upside down and all around. This is where my life forever changed. Where the heartbreak I feel, will never go away, but I'll learn to cope with the pain. The doctor's couldn't find Dakota's heartbeat.  After a few minutes I literally slid down the wall because my leg's could no longer hold me up. My breath was taken away from me and a knot formed in my throat, as I realized what was going on.

In a way I knew she was gone. It was just the confirmation from the doctors, which brought it to reality for me. I felt angry and heartbroken. It took everything  I had not to keep myself together. I couldn't break down. Not while I was hearing the horrible screams coming from my wife. If there was a time to show how strong I was, this was the time. My wife needed my strength. I couldn't lose it for her. I had to keep my head and help her through this.

As I listened to the heartbreaking cries of my wife, I felt sorrow, sadness, and pity for her. I felt bad because this life that she felt for the last nine months had been taken away from us in a moments notice. So many thoughts rushed into my mind, I needed to take a step away. I went into the hallway to call my Mom and break down.


I couldn't let myself fall apart in front of my wife, so I cried into the phone to my mother, who lived six hours away from us. I couldn’t believe it was happening to us. The two people that have been through every rough time you can imagine and made it out, now had to deal with the death of our precious daughter. I prayed to God many times that night, wishing the doctors were wrong and Dakota would come out fine.

I felt so much heartache for my wife and wondered how long it would be before I had to bury her too, from depression over our loss.  The labor and birth was hard. I was at my wife’s side the entire time and no one could have made me move, except God himself. I barely got a glance of my precious daughter, as she was whisked away from us. I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke from the heartache. The void in my heart was overbearing as part of my heart died. I realized from this point on, life would never be the same. 

So many feelings were going through my body that I had no idea if I was coming or going. My head wasn’t straight and I couldn't handle the idea of preparing the funeral arrangements before we could leave the hospital. My wife looked at me with her red, puffy, and swollen eyes, which were filled with so much hurt and pain, as she asked me to do it. She told me it was too much.

I pulled myself together. I had to do this. If not for me, for her. When she says she can't handle something, there's no doubt in my mind that it isn't true. My wife is a strong willed woman who will tackle any task that is placed before her, and come out shinning. Her weak, shaky voice told me at this moment, that woman was gone. For the next week, my life revolved around planning the funeral, which NO parent should have to do. I would never wish this on any enemy or even any person in the world.

As a way to cope with my loss, I make myself stay busy as much as possible.  Whether it be with my car, bike, or video games, I try to bury myself in busyness. When I see pictures of Emma’s face around Dakota’s grave, or see the sadness on her face in pictures even though she is smiling, I break down. I hate being a daddy with a broke little girl who I cannot fix. It breaks my heart that she has to endure this type of pain at such a young age.

The walk as a Daddy to two angels, the pain never leaves. It's always there ready to sneak up on me when I'm alone for a breakdown. I try to hide my tears from my wife and daughter because they need me to be strong. I am the man of the house and I'm supposed to be strong. Although I may not show it, Dakota's loss has changed me and my family.

My wife has a sadness in her eyes that has been lingering for the past four months, and I watch daily as she breaks down while crying out in blame. She feels she failed me as my wife, but she is very much wrong. As I watch her write out her story to tell the word and I see the pain it causes her, I begin to admire her for her strength, which behind closed doors, I lack. As I hear my daughter say how proud she is to be a sister to an angel, my heart breaks because as she says this, a tear slips down her cheek.

This isn't how life is supposed to be. I'm supposed to be taking care of my family, but when it comes to our loss and the brokenness within it, I can't fix it and it breaks me up on the inside. I feel like I'm failing them. A part of me says that it's the grief that makes me feel this way, but who really knows.

For me, it's hard to discuss what happened to Dakota with anyone.  I don't like to so I am even surprised that I decided to do this post. But, as a father to an angel, I know one thing which not only gets to my wife but also it upsets me...People always recommend we see a professional to help us through our grief. Most of the time it's the ignorant individuals who haven't been where I am. They haven't walked this path, but I understand. Saying "Go see a grief counselor" is the easiest answer, but some need to remember they aren't for everyone.

So the next time you see a parent of an angel, don't try to tell them what they need to do. It usually just ticks us off. Only those who know what their feeling and how well they are coping can decide whether or not they need a doctor.

So in closing, when you create awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, remember the Daddy too.

That's all for now. I'll be back again to share my thoughts for you to read. Until then, keep spreading the awareness for all the angels who have gained their wings, as well as the families who have to walk this lonely path.