Come Sit. Let's talk....

Grab a cup of coffee and stay awhile. 

❤️

I have something to tell you. 

I'm talking to you.

The Mom who is stressed and depressed.

The one who tries so hard but feels like you failed.

The one who has puffy eyes with dark circles around them.

The one with spit up covering your last clean shirt.

The one who fights daily to get your child(ren) up and off to school.

The one who battles the "know it all" attitude.

I'm talking to ALL mothers at every stage of parenting.

❤️❤️❤️

This message is an important one and I pray you open your heart to receive it!

Motherhood is very rewarding and most of the time, it's a journey where Mom's wonder if they're doing this parenting thing right. At times, we lay in our beds after a very rewarding, yet stressful day, and wonder if we made any difference in our children's lives. Maybe you're worried about the news you just received and you're unsure of the steps you must take. Perhaps you feel that you need to be strong because it's the only choice you have. Maybe, you're laying in bed going over the list of things that you didn't get done or of the upsetting situation that occurred only hours before.

Can I tell you something? What if I told you that none of this matters? What if I told you that you're doing exactly the right thing and that you don't need to stress about it? 

You see life is full of its own challenges. These small bumps in the road are only meant to build you up for the greatness God has in store for you. Each one of our stories are the same, yet they're different. Motherhood has such a vast array of obstacles in it and sometimes we find ourselves comparing our parenting skills with those around us or we find ourselves weakened by these obstacles which make it hard for us to believe that we're on the right track. However, all these negative thoughts hinder all the beautiful things that we did accomplish and they overshadow the best moments.

Take a moment. Push aside any negative thought you have that are clouding your mind. Allow God to show you the moments where you made a difference in your child(ren) life/lives. I'm sure you're weakened spirit is at a weary moment right now. Maybe the beautiful moment I am referring to is that moment where your toddler stopped in mid run to turn to you for a slobbery kiss and big hug. Maybe it's that moment where your child ran into the house from the bus ready to show you all of the studying you helped with paid off with a high test score. Maybe it's the college acceptance letter that arrived in the mail. These are the blessings I want you to see and remember.

We all feel like we've messed up somewhere along the way but let me assure you...YOU ARE DOING GREAT! The enemy is whispering all these lies in your ears and I want you to know that his goal is to steal your joy. He wants you to focus on those areas in life where you feel defeated, broken, and anxious. He wants you beating yourself up because your toddler ate the crayon before you noticed. He wants you constantly feeling bad for forgetting the school lunch during a trying morning with the kids. He wants you to feel like you failed because your teen has an attitude problem and is facing hardships that only adults should be enduring.

STOP THOSE LIES IN THEIR TRACKS!

Let me tell you this....

You are worthy.

You are smart.

You are strong.

You are amazing.

You are not a failure.

You are A MOTHER!

❤️

Being a mother is such a blessing. From this moment on, I want you to focus on the part of life where you succeed and stop focusing on the "mess ups". Stop looking for the unfinished tasks from the day because you have done everything God needed you to do. He guides and gives. He loves and forgives. Therefore, you need to forgive yourself. 

You are the daughter of a King and you are worth far more than rubies. Hold your head up. Praise God for the joys of motherhood and ask Him to guide you in your moments of weakness. With Him, all things are possible. Therefore, don't shy away from Him but run into His waiting arms to be embraced by His love, strength, and grace.

Parenting as a Christian Mom

Since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a Mom. I loved the idea of the bottles, diapers, and dressing the baby. I loved the idea of cuddles, kisses, and hugs. The idea I had as a mother was way less than what it turned out to be. My daughter is completely different than I had imagined. I envisioned this little girl who would play dress up with my shoes and makeup and would love baby dolls and Barbie dolls. Instead, she'd rather play with bugs and learn about dinosaurs. She is very emotional and is head strong. However, I wouldn't chance her for a second. My son loves to make people laugh, cars are his favorite, and he's a Momma's boy. 

Most of all, I wanted to teach them about life and the love of Jesus. Each one got an age-appropriate Bible the day they were born, which they played with. I read them stories out of each book. We prayed before each meal and before bed. However, I never taught them to REALLY pray. 

Parenting has a lot to do with prayer. I find myself seeking guidance for the Lord through prayer quite a bit when it comes to my children. As a parent, we want the best for our children so what better way to do it than by going to the Most High and asking for His guidance? Our greatest times as a parent happens when we are on our knees; open and honest. 

What exactly do we pray for when it comes to our children?

I'm going to share with you... my list of powerful verses I pray when I'm praying for my children. Feel free to use them too for your prayers. 

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I pray for strength. In a tough world where things aren't so godly, our children need the strength to face it and deal with each issue. So, I pray the Lord will provide strength to them throughout their day. (I can do all things through him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13)

I pray for courage. It's a scary world out there and things seem a bit crazy. This world can certainly have us cowering in the corner. I want my children to go at life head-on. Ready to tackle anything that comes their way and they can do this through Christ. (Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9)

I pray for peace. In a world of war, our children need a sense of peace in their hearts. I don't want my child anxious and fearful because of the events going on around us. (Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ~ Philippians 4:6)

I pray for procurement. I ask God to provide them with everything they need each day. This would help them to not fear for the future and look at it with hope. (And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19)

I pray for direction. I pray for the Lord to guide each thought and decision they make. I want them to make godly decisions for their lives as they get older and I want them to be able to make healthy decisions that will benefit their futures. (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6)

I pray for protection. I ask God to protect my kids from all harm that may come their way. I've lost one child and I pray that God keeps them safe and allows me to parent them (earthside) for many more years to come. (He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Psalm 9:1-2)

I pray for joy. I want my children to feel the type of joy that only comes from the Lord. This type of joy is one I love feeling and knowing my children are filled with it is a blessing. (You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. ~ Psalm 16:11)

I pray for compassion. In a world where compassion is lacking, I want my children to be the ones who allows Christ to shine through when their showing love and compassion. I want them to always focus on the needs of others, in addition to their own. (Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:32)

I pray for justice. I want to be sure that my children will stand up for what is right. Even if that means their standing alone. I want them to stand up and defend those who can't do it for themselves and seek the right ways in all situations. (Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause. ~ Isaiah 1:17)

I pray for wisdom. I want them to have the smarts to know which decisions are in the best interest of them. I want them to always choose what is right. (If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ~ James 1:5)

I pray for hope. I want them to have the type of hope that exceeds the kind we have on earth. I want them to have heavenly hope that only God can give them. (May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. ~ Romans 15:13)

I pray for love. I ask for them to be filled with the love of Christ so that they can go out into the world and show others what godly love really is. (Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~ 2 Corinthians 13)

What are some of the things you pray for your children?

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

My intention for my life is to be more grateful in life. I can remember a good part of my life included complaints about every aspect. I unintentionally found the negative in every situation and always thought about the worse case. Since the death of my daughter, I felt overwhelmed by the sorrow in my heart and it caused me not to care for life or those around me. 

I want to continue being the grateful, happy, and joyful person I found only a few months ago. I feel as if I'm alive again and those who are around me seem to be happier with this change. I have dedicated my life to living for Christ and following His lead. 

My intention is to be a better mother, wife, and friend. In addition to being more grateful, I'm going to open my heart for total healing from our loss. I want to take our daughter's short life and make her memory sweet. I want my living children to grow knowing the right way to live. I want to find the blessing God has provided for me each and every day.

Bringing Home Our Rainbow Baby: After Loss

Pregnancy is a time of happiness and joy. For many, it's full of fear and worry. When a couple brings home their new baby after losing one, life changes again. The fear and worry don't go away once baby comes into the world screaming and full of life. The fear and worry just shift to other things in focus. Many questions I have asked was: Will he die too? Is he still breathing? Oh no, what if he dies of SIDS?

As a mother of loss and a rainbow, here are a few things that I want my family and friends to know:

1. I'm more confused now more than ever. At times I may think I'm holding my angel when I'm really holding my rainbow. It's confusing because I'm holding my rainbow baby while missing another baby. Certain facial expressions that my rainbow makes has me doing flashbacks in my mind of my angel. Believe me, it sounds crazy but I'm not crazy. So, when I try to express my feelings to you, just listen. I know my baby is dead and isn't coming back. I understand that my rainbow is a completely different baby. It's hard enough on me without the judgement of others.

2. I'm still grieving.  Some may think this way and it's wrong. However, just because I have this brand new bundle of joy in my arms, doesn't mean that I don't miss my angel. I hate how people describe grieving as a process. Just as I have read before, a process is something that has an end. When grieving the child you lost, there will NEVER be an end. Some may think that just because I have a living and breathing child in my arms, all should be better. Nope, actually this takes me back to number one and adds to the confusion. The questions I once asked when I first lost my angel come back once again. Why is my rainbow here with me and my angel couldn't be? What would life be like if my angel was here with my rainbow? These are just a few examples.

3. My heart longs for my angel and at times I want her. Don't get me wrong. I love my rainbow baby with my all being. It's not that I don't want him. Believe me I went through hell to have him here. There was A LOT of tears, fear, and pain to get where I am today. I worked with every ounce of who I am to ensure that on my end, my rainbow came into this world alive. I just wish with ever fiber of my soul that my angel was still here with us.

4. Fear and anxiety is still here but it's stronger. I'm really scared. Actually, this is my normal. For the past year this has been my life. Starting in October of 2013, I was scared that I wouldn't get pregnant. The anxiety took over with each pregnancy test. Then once I saw the test come back with a positive, the fear and anxiety shifted. I worried during the entire nine months and thought only about, "What if it happened again?" When I was about nine months pregnant, the fear and anxiety rocketed sky high. I learned that I had polyhydramnios. I was put on bed rest because this made me at a higher risk for preterm labor and once again the chances of another stillborn went up. I had two appointments each week from that point on. Labor came and I was induced. Fear and anxiety was at it's max and pushing itself to the limits. Up until the moment I heard his first cry, this was all that I felt.

Now that he's here.... that doesn't mean it went away. I worry about him ALL THE TIME. As I stated in the start of this post, I don't believe this will fully go away.

5. I have a hard time with others holding my rainbow or trusting them with him. The moment I'm asked, "Oh, can I hold him?" Or when someone reaches out and takes him from my arms, panic sets in. I'm super scared that something could happen which would result in his untimely death. There are so many sicknesses and diseases being talked about within the news, I'm worried that he'd catch it since he's only had two rounds of his immunization shots. Plus, he's still little and his immune system is still developing.

MOST OF ALL, I still need you. Please don't go. All may seem well. The heartaches is still there now more than it ever was. Don't drift away from me. I'm really not okay. 

New Year....New Hopes & Goals... Part One

Life has it's ups and downs. This is one thing we all learn along the way. For some it's later in life and for others, they learn this the moment they leave their parents home to journey out on their own in this crazy thing we call LIFE! For me, I have had the blessing of learning this young and it's made me who I am today.

 

I see a lot of the "Happy New Year, this year is my year!" or "New Year, New Me." posts on different social media. I'm not one of these people because I'm up for the rollercoaster ride that life has in store for me in the year of 2015. I do know that 2014 wasn't anything that I was expecting when the year first came in. 2014 took me and my family on one heck of a ride. At times it was so stressful, I was close to throwing in the towel and giving up. However, that's not me. I don't give up easily. I am a fighter and will always be.

 

So here I am to give you ANOTHER update on the home front with my family. Where do I start? The past six months have been one hell of a mess but I've kept holding on. One thing that you will learn if you just recently found my blog, is that I do NOT sugar coat anything, nor do I hold back. I'm very real and I'm not one to hide how my life is. I am not a person who tries to make my life look perfect on the internet, while my life is actually falling apart. Some may look down on this type of behavior, but I'm an Author. I'm a public figure. My readers love the fact that I am REAL. I do not write to impress. I write to express and that's what I am going to do today!

 

First up, my oldest daughter, Sunshine! Man, oh man has she been through A LOT within the past few months and that makes me feel like crap. I wish I could give her the easy way of life. You know...the type of life where things come easy and it's not that hard. The type of life where vacations exist and you get everything on your wish list at Christmas. But... that's not teaching her anything. Is it?

 

In my previous post about Sunshine, her doctor diagnosed her with ADHD. She was on the medication Concerta for two months. During this two months, it was hard for her. She had trouble sleeping, no appetite, and her behavior was worse. When brought up to the doctor about these changes within the first month, he suggested that it was because of her body getting used to it and to keep going for another month. So we did. The side effects continued. By the two month mark, she had lost almost fifteen pounds. Her clothes which used to fit snugly had started to literally fall off of her. She refused to eat the little bits of food that she does. This Momma got scared. Something had to be done. I wasn't liking these changes at all.

 

Not only was she being affected physically, but she was also going through a lot emotionally. Sunshine has always been strong willed and very out spoken emotionally. The Concerta changed this for the worse. She became very emotional and mean. Her attitude and her behavior could make a grown person cry. Her grades have even been hit by this change. She went from a high honor student to struggling. I had enough and told her doctor that she wasn't doing well on this medication. I told him that I wanted her off of it and something else done.

 

He agreed. I immediately stopped the medicine. She has slowly started to show signs of the pre-medication little girl. She still has some of the issues that she had prior, but their not as bad. She's eating again and gaining the weight back. Now, her doctor has referred her to a Psychologist to see if maybe it might be something bigger than just ADHD.

 

In addition to the doctors appointment, we have also decided to enroll her into cyber school. Therefore, I have a meeting coming up with PA Cyber so we can have her enrolled. Hopefully this will help her and give us the ability to help her as well.

 

This is part one... I'll keep you all posted on Sunshine as much as I can. Please keep her and my family in your prayers!

 

 

 

*** To finish reading, please refer to part two of this post. ***

 

Parenting a Child with ADHD: Part One

Recently we took Sunshine to the Doctor to have her evaluated for ADHD. What brought us to this decision included several factors that we had noticed over time. Of course, some of these are getting worse and new problems are arising.

Back in June, we were told by our old landlord that she was going to make us move after Rainbow was born. I didn't like the idea of having to move right after giving birth. When we told us this, there was two weeks left with the month. Now, up to this point, Sunshine had been doing very well in school. She made highest honors and was a well behaved child.

The sudden move left us in a tiff. The home we moved into was by no means acceptable for my children. Some have called me ungrateful for this, but I only want the best for my children. (I explained part of the situation here) Sunshine's behavior changed. We were getting letters from the school just about everyday. She would be getting into trouble for excessive talking and not following directions. In addition, she'd also be bringing home failing grades. This blew me away. She was a straight A student at her old school.

In the past, I thought ADHD was apparent since some things react differently with Sunshine. When she has sugar, she'll go to sleep easier. But give her something for sleep and it makes her hyper. We took her into the doctors at the beginning of the month and they did in fact agree with me. She has ADHD. Over the past month, she has been taking Concerta and we have adjusted our lives for her. So, here I am to help any other parent who may think their child has ADHD.

****

First and foremost, handle it by keeping calm. Yelling and screaming isn't going to solve anything. In fact, it'll just add to the stress of the situation. Arguing will no get anything accomplished. Give them time to talk and express their feelings to you. If they don't want to talk, suggest for them to draw or write in a journal. This will help them channel their feelings and express them in a healthy way.

Create a well structured environment. Routines and expectations should be made clear and if the child breaks any such rules, the punishment should be fitting. Be sure to make the rules clear. One way to do this is to write them down on a rule chart and hang it where your child can see it at all times. When giving your child instructions to do something, keep it at one thing at a time. Kids with ADHD seem to get overwhelmed easily. If you're trying to get them to do their chores, focus on one at a time. Working as a team instead of against each other helps, too.

When the said child is doing the tasks at hand, give praise for a job well done. Most likely, this will encourage the calm and inviting atmosphere. As an example, my daughter knows that when she comes home from school, she is to start on her homework. This is usually a task all on its own. When she has homework that she doesn't understand or she's brought home a bad test score, I don't tend to yell at her. I go through each problem with her and we find the mistake together. There's also an hour of study time in the evenings to help with her grades.

Well, these are what I have for now. As we go further into this journey, I'll update and post any other tips that I find.

Catching up with the Buda Family

Whoa, the life of a mother with two children is completely different. Then add in being a full time author with it and exclusive breastfeeding. You have the formula for a very busy Mommy, which explains why I haven't wrote a post updating you until now.

So, Hubby FINALLY got the job he has been wanting for a while. They called yesterday and set up an interview for 9 AM this morning. By 9:05 he was told his first day is December 2nd!! So, now he will have more time with the kids and he will be making more on the hour.

Lots is new with the kids. Sunshine has been having a rough time in school for the last few months. Her behavior went from well behaved to excessive talking and not following directions. Not to mention that she's went from a school that didn't implement the common core math yet. So that adds to the struggle. However, we have had her in to see her doctor who diagnosed her with ADHD and prescribed Concerta. She's been on this now for a week. I'm praying this helps her out. 

Baby Boy is growing very well and is still exclusively breastfed. This is a blessing in its own because I so badly wanted this experience with Dakota. I didn't have the support that I needed with Sunshine, but my Husband is very supportive with Rainbow. He's being treated for acid reflux. The medication they gave him seems to help. I just wish there was something I could do for his gas. **Any tips would be very much appreciated.**

Right now we are planning a move, again. The home we moved into wasn't suitable for my children. So we are looking for a better home. Unfortunately, this means another school transfer may be in the future for Sunshine. 

Well, this is an overview of what's been going on. Keep an eye open for another update coming soon. 

Labor Day- Induction Day- My Rainbow is HERE!!!

**Very detailed and long.**

**Slideshow of the events are shown below**

The night of August 31, I had a hard time climbing into bed. Our scheduled induction was the next day and I was afraid of how things would go. The doctor’s really didn't explain how things would go and what they would do to push me into labor. I double-checked all of the hospital bags and the bags that I had packed for when we left the hospital. Baby boy and I were going to stay with my mom for the weekend so we could go to church.  

I finally climbed into bed around midnight and surprisingly I went to sleep easily. Up until that night, I had a hard time falling asleep due to being so uncomfortable. It was a nightmare trying to sleep. I would lie on my sides and my hips would feel as if a knife had been pushed slowly into them. If I tried lying on my back, the same feelings happened in my tailbone. However, the night of the 31^st into the first was completely different.

Morning came quickly. I was concerned that we would have a rough morning because my husband, daughter, and I had such a late night. I figured that our daughter would give us a fight to get up at six in the morning for our eight o’clock appointment. Surprisingly everyone got up rather easy and we almost made it to the hospital on time. The morning also included nice and strong contractions. I felt as if I was in labor but couldn't be sure, due to the amniotic fluid level being so high.

We met my mom and step-dad at the hospital. They were waiting at the main doors with a wheel chair for me. Hubby parked the car while I got comfortable in the wheel chair. By this time, I was holding back tears from fear. Fear of the unknown! My mom and daughter immediately starting carrying on and enjoying their time together. 

Hubby caught up with us and we headed up to the sixth floor; Labor and Delivery! My nerves kicked in full force and it took everything within me to hold back my tears. Fear flooded me and panic set in. I was afraid that as soon as we were ready, we would hear those dreaded words again. Deep down inside I knew baby boy was fine because I could feel him kicking, even with the contractions. We made it to labor and delivery and checked in. 

They already had my room ready and waiting. Holding back tears, I quietly listened to the nurse talk about their plan to bring baby boy safely into the world. I changed into the hospital gown and climbed into the bed. My heart beat crazily while the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and struggled to find the baby's heartbeat. My heart felt as if were going to jump out of my chest and when I didn't think she'd find it, I heard it. It was like music to my ears. 

After the monitor was completely hooked up, they started an IV with fluids and oxytocin. Shortly after they started the fluids, they checked to see if any progress had been made and where we were starting at. The contractions I had been feeling took me from 1 cm to about 4 cm before I even got to the hospital. So, my body started labor on it's own and the oxytocin was used to help speed things along. At this point, there was a lot of waiting and more of my family showing up to greet our miracle. 

Contractions came roughly every two minutes or so. I was still hanging strong with no pain medication. The doctors slowly increased the oxytocin but after about four hours, they came into my room and started checking vitals. They watched the heart monitor for baby's heartbeat. I was asked to lay on my left side for a moment and then asked to roll over to my right side. As they helped me roll over, another nurse asked me to put on the oxygen mask. The medication caused me to have back to back contractions, which caused baby's heart rate to drop. They got it back up. Docs and nurses were on it and got everything back in order. He was doing good now and had hiccups. His heart rate was about 163 now. I'm was contracting without the medicine so they kept it the oxytocin off for the time being.

Labor slowed down quite a bit with the contractions after a few hours of not being on the oxytocin, so they came back in and started it back up. At this time I was 4-5 cm dilated, 50% effaced. My main intentions with labor was to have a vaginal delivery and avoid a c-section unless medically needed. Around six that afternoon, the epidural was given to me. They allowed time for the epidural to kick in before breaking the water.

Around 8 PM, they slowly broke the water. This was one part which terrified me. I remembered the doctor mentioning at one of my appointments that with so much amniotic fluid, a prolapsed cord was a risk. The doctor came in with several nurses. They clipped the sack and let the fluid slowly drain. I was amazed at how much fluid there was. It filled two medical pads and lots of towels. As the fluid drained, I became so much more comfortable. I actually felt the pressure disappear. 

My family sat around impatiently waiting for baby boy's arrival. It got to the point where everyone began making jokes about how to get baby to come out quicker. As they were making jokes, I noticed something different around 10:30 PM. I didn't say anything right away but the pressure got stronger. I whispered to my mom, "Something is different. There's so much pressure." 

As soon as I said this, my husband ran out of the room and got the doctor. She came in and checked me.... IT WAS TIME! My breath caught in my throat at those words. I didn't think I would ever hear that again, let alone give birth. I started crying. I couldn't believe we had made it this far. I had so many people in the delivery room with me but it didn't help the spiral of emotions. 

My aunt took Emma out of the room and the doctors prepared for a baby to be born. Since our rainbow had touched so many, the delivery room was full. All of my parents were there. (Mom, Dad, Step-Dad, Step-Mom) It was a very special moment and the support I had was overwhelming. Once I was in position to push, anxiety took over. I listened to those around me and concentrated on giving birth to my son. I could hear everyone around me commenting on how much hair they could see. Then, when he was head out, I heard my family crying that he looked beautiful. The entire time I couldn't help but to think.... "Why hasn't he cried yet?" Panic set in and I started crying. The tears were from the lack of hearing my son cry and fear of loosing him in the process of laboring. 

For the first time during a labor, the doctor called my husband over (who had on sterile gloves) and told him to get ready. She explained to me to bare down and push. I did as I was told. Several pushes later, our son landed in the waiting arms of his very happy father. My husband helped me birth our son. As soon as baby boy was clear, they gently laid him on my stomach. 

It was love at first sight. I cried out..."Why isn't he crying?" as the doctors used baby blankets to rub him down and that's when I heard his precious cry. I lost it. I grabbed my son and cried out with so much joy, love, and relief. My rainbow had made it safely into this world! The entire room erupted into tears, joy, and happiness. 

At 11:02 PM on September 1, 2014 (Labor Day) Jaxson Scott Buda was born. He weighed 6 lbs 13 oz. and was 19 3/4 in. long. His cries were music to my ears and as I glared at my new baby I couldn't help but to look up to the sky and thank the Lord above for my blessing. I cried out thanking Him for our miracle!

Maternity Pictures- Session One

Here's the first session of our maternity photo's. My older sister took them right after our baby shower. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

*All images are copyright protected*

I hope you enjoyed viewing the photo's as much as we did having them done. Providing baby stays where he's at for another few weeks, we plan on doing a second session!!!

Pregnancy Update- Not so Great: Week 33

On Monday July 28th I went into the doctor for my bi-weekly check up. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and then had an appointment directly after with my high risk doctor. When going in I was super stressed because I thought something was off. During the week leading up to the appointment, I was sure I was very slowly leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't run into the doctor right away because some of the things that was going on didn't match to the symptoms of leaking the fluid. 

As soon as the ultrasound tech took us back, I asked her to double check two things. The first is the sex of the baby due to the fact that I've been having dreams that we were actually having a girl. The second was the amniotic fluid to ease my concerns. Once I got comfy and she was ready, it was confirmed that we are most definitely having a little boy. It eases my concerns because I'm in the process of donating what's left of our angel baby's stuff to our church. I wanted to be sure I wouldn't need these items in the very near future. 

The second concern seemed to pan out well too. She did the measurements of the fluid and said that it was most definitely not low. Therefore, I was not leaking any fluids. After she checked these, she did the normal measurements of Jaxson's arms, legs, belly, and head. We watched him practice breath for a little bit. He wiggled around and put on a show for us. I totally enjoyed the show. 

Here are a few pictures we got from this past visit:

Hanging out and relaxing during the check.

We must have been boring. 

He stuck his tongue out at us.

He decided it was nap time.

After we got the prints from the scan, we went back out to the waiting room to wait on the doctor. I was in my glory. Up to this point within my pregnancy, I have been very blessed to have a healthy baby who's growing on track and no complications. While waiting I did what most expectant mom's do...I stared at my son's pictures with a goofy smile on my face while falling even more in love with him. 

I was called back shortly after getting comfy. This part of the appointment add a bit more reassurance for me but the ultrasounds take any anxiety away. Well, for that moment. I had my weight checked and blood pressure checked. Those were right on track. Then, the doctor came in. 

My entire world changed once again. The ease and peace of mind slowly went out the window as the doctor continued to talk. The more words she said, the closer to tears I went. I had been diagnosed with a rare condition that affects every 1 out of 100 women. That's a 1% chance of developing it. She said I have Polyhydramnios. After this, I sort of zoned out with panic and heard bits and pieces. I knew she was sending me to the lab for blood work. Then, I heard her say higher risk of another stillbirth. That was it.... I completely checked out. I no longer wanted to be there. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. 

Polyhydramnios basically means there is too much amniotic fluid in there with my baby. They went from seeing me every two weeks to twice a week. I'm on bed rest and not allowed to do anything that can cause contractions. We are praying for him to stay put until at least 37 weeks. I'm at risk for preterm labor. If the amniotic fluid goes up they are going to have to do an amniocentesis test. If the fluid goes to low they are going to have to do an emergency c section. 

After my appointment and we were on our way to the lab, I reached out to others for support and prayers. I was in shock. My rainbow baby wasn't in the total clear. Something was wrong and I couldn't fix it. I was scared and still am. I called my close family members and explained what was going on. After the lab got the blood drawn, I headed to the best place I could have been..... church. I needed the support of the Lord and my church family. 

At prayer meeting, the ladies prayed that the situation be fixed and no more complications come about. At the end of the meeting, my hope and faith had been restored. I felt calm and at ease once again. Deep down inside I still have the worry but I'm only human. In my heart, I know Jesus has this! 

So, there's the update. I go back into the doctors tomorrow morning to meet with the high risk doctor and to check in on Jaxson's vitals with a Non Stress Test. Please pray that this goes well and baby Jaxson is doing the best he can. 

Thanks everyone for your support! I truly appreciate it. Sincerely, 

Things they don't tell you about Pregnancy.....PART ONE

As you all know, I'm six months pregnant with my third child. Everyone knows that each pregnancy is different. Therefore, I have decided to write a post on the things I found out about pregnancy while experiencing three very different journey's. Most of the time these things happen and at other times they may not happen at all. It seems as if people pump up the "joys" of pregnancy, but fail to talk about the uncomfortable, disgusting, and funny things that happen as well. We have periods, discharge, leaky nipples, and cramps, and labor. What a disaster being a woman is at times!

Hopefully today you'll laugh a little, learn a little, or just agree with the things listed below. If you're easily disgusted or grossed out, keep on moving and don't bother to read the list below. If you're immature and can't handle human nature, I suggest you read the sentence before this one. With that being said, here are the things I feel they DON'T tell you about pregnancy!

1. Every pregnancy is different. They fail to say just how different they can be. With my first pregnancy, I felt like I could run a marathon. I was kicking to go from conception to labor. With my second pregnancy, I felt as if I wanted to crawl into bed and hibernate for the entire nine months due to not having the energy.

2. Morning Sickness- First and foremost, it doesn't happen ONLY in the morning. It can hit at anytime during the day and it may even last ALL day. Anything can be a trigger. As an example, just smelling my husbands deodorant sparked my morning sickness in the last two pregnancies. 

3. Your boobs DO get a bit more firm, however, they don't ALWAYS get bigger. Yep, they will swell up like balloons and be sore. Nursing bras and breast pads will be your friend at some point. Boobs leak. Mine didn't leak with my first until after my sunshine was born. But with my angel and rainbow, PLEASE someone turn off the damn tap. Don't get me wrong, I do plan on breast feeding. But when you're changing into that newly washed maternity top and you're boobs decide to leak at that moment for the first time, things can become emotional.  

4. You will get constipated and your vaginal discharge will increase. The grossness of it tends to be one subject many don't talk about. Then, the worries with "Is this normal discharge or my mucus plug?" come into play towards the end. 

5. You will be moody. At one moment you can be in a great mood and the next, you're ready to call your best friend to help you hide the body! The emotional shit storm that you'll be going through is a rough one so hold on tight! 

6. Sex- Now this tends to go one way or another. You could end up not having a drive at all or it could sky rocket over night. I experienced both and I must say.. they both SUCK! When your drive disappears, you try to explain this to dear hubby but he just doesn't understand how you could just NOT want it. But when your drive increases, Hubby better watch out. Well, at least until the baby belly gets in the way and starts to make you feel like a whale. I swear if people could have seen some of the things I have tried to even have sex comfortably, they would have said that I would make a GREAT "Americas Funniest Home Video."  

7. You will have weird and vivid dreams. (If you didn't read about my weird dreams, you can do so here.) Some people who have heard about my dreams say they completely understand why I decided to write.

8. Things tend to swell in areas you didn't realize could swell. The blood within a woman's body increases during pregnancy, as well as the weight gain and fluid retention, this could have you floating down the Mon River. Your feet and hands swell. Your legs and thighs swell. Boobs swell. Yes, even the genitals swell. So, this makes for a few uncomfortable months.

9. When baby moves, it's not ALWAYS something to coo over. At times, that crap hurts! Some of the weirdest feeling I have felt, at times made me think of an alien. The constant laying on the lower back, skidding a limb across the inner side of the belly, and the hiccups tend to distract you at times. Then you have the famous, full body roll. This is where baby decides the full position he's in isn't comfortable anymore and in an instant rolls into the other side of your body.

10. Hemorrhoids are very common. They will flare up and make life crappy for you during pregnancy. Let me tell you.... they suck. They happen even when you have no trouble in the bathroom and the baby can just be head down on the rectum the whole time!

11. At some point, you will dread having to sneeze. The pressure of the baby relaxing on your bladder could cause you to pee when you sneeze. Then, you don't want to add allergies into the mix. That's a mixture for disaster! The allergy medications don't always work, therefore you may find yourself sneezing more than you bargained for. So, my suggestion... liners are a MUST!

12. Unexpected headaches- Those suckers will knock you for a loop at times. Anything can trigger them. Lights too bright. Lights too dim. Loud noises. Smells. The list could continue on but I'm sure you get the hint. 

13. Clothes will not fit the same. It could be a few weeks or a few months, but your changing body will make getting dressed (unless you have a crap load of maternity clothes) a chore. Add in the summer months and shopping for a bikini... yeah... emotional disaster waiting to happen. 

14. Prepare for Braxton Hicks. They are normal, yet painful at times. Everyone is like 'you're glowing' and isn't this the best thing ever? I'm just like, I haven't even brushed my hair and I'm having a Braxton hicks! 

Keep an eye out for Part Two... coming soon! 

A Grief Journey..... Delayed by Faith and Saved by Hope

I never expected that I'd be an angel Mom. In all honesty, who does? When our Dakota gained her wings, I had carried her for 40 weeks 5 days. The emotional roller coaster that I went through is hard to explain. I went through periods where I was content with what happened. Then on other days, I hated the fact that I was chosen as an angel Mom. I went through periods of time where I didn't want to get out of bed and times where I felt as if I could run a marathon. 

Through the entire journey, I held tightly to my faith that there is something in store for me. Something to bring back the joy, love, and peace within my life. The miracle of life would do this for me. I've referred to my miracle as my rainbow since my doctor gave me the clear to try for another baby. Rainbow baby is a term not many know. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss. This can be either a pregnancy or infant loss.

I had been grieving for our daughter for the total of eight months when I learned my prayer had been answered. I was pregnant with my rainbow. This pregnancy has been an emotional journey for the past six months. I'm on an emotional overload. I'm still grieving for the child I lost while trying to cope with the fact that I'm pregnant. I try not to allow fear to overcome me but I am only human. I'm scared we will face another loss at the end of this pregnancy. There's no safe zone for us. I have heard so many people say that if they could just get past X weeks, then they would know all would be okay. But what happens when you're baby passes at birth? What happens when you give birth to death?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not in any form saying I regret becoming pregnant with our son. (Who has a name and it'll be announced when the time is right.) He's been such a blessing because I am taking each ache and pain with pride. I love them. Yep, you read that right and no, I'm not crazy. Before our loss I took advantage of the fact that I was pregnant. It never occurred to me by how blessed I really was. I was always so sour. I never felt the need to start a pregnancy book or take weekly photos. As a matter of fact, I have the total of three pregnancy pictures with Dakota. All of which I dislike the way I look because I seem so unhappy. 

Now, our son makes me see things differently. I've tried to keep up with the photos. In the beginning of the pregnancy not much has changed, therefore not many pictures can be taken. But I am now to the point of where I can no longer see my feet, stand too long due to swelling, and I'm ALWAYS hungry. 

I am now 24 weeks pregnant and loving every minute of it. I believe I wouldn't be where I am at when it comes to my grief if it weren't for me being saved by faith and hope. I believe I may have slipped into a dark place and stopped living. So, I wanted to give a small bit of hope to those who are still trying to conceive. Never give up and loose faith. You're hope for a rainbow is there and you will once again feel the joy life has to offer! 

Six Days Post Surgery

Our Princess has hit day six after her surgery with no major events. 

Praise God! 

This past week has been a roller coaster for all of us here. I've been going on very little sleep due to her medication schedule and my husbands work schedule. I'm super excited because last night I was able to pretty much sleep the entire night. She needed her meds at 11 PM, 3AM, and then again at 7 AM. She's still being selective with the types of foods she's eating and we're still at a very soft diet. I've been asked several times if we could have pizza, but that's a big no-no right now. The doctor suggested no red foods for up to 10 days and nothing with a sharp pointy edge on it. 

She's not too happy hearing the word "No." Her attitude has returned to normal and she's starting to joke around again. This is one thing I have missed. Our Princess has done so much for me when it comes to smiling....I think I've began to rely on her for my smiles. 

Shes been staying awake all day regardless of the medicine, which one would think would make her sleep. Nope! She's up around 7ish in the morning and stays away until her last dose of meds at night around 11 PM. She's ready to roll. One thing she can't wait to do is go outside to play. With no physical activity, she's not allowed out on her play set. She's allowed to sit on the porch but that's all. So, Daddy decided to play some XBOX with her.

She loved this. It's not very often that her daddy gets to play with her because of working so much. I couldn't pass up this photo opp. It warmed me to hear both of them laughing and having a great time. On the plus side, Princess stopped crying to go outside. :)

As for her sleeping... oh this is a nice one. The doctors said that it'd take at least three weeks to a month to hear or see a difference in her sleeping. Let me say...she proved them wrong again. She still sleeps with her mouth open, but that's because of swelling. (When her throat dries out...it swells up a tad.) However, her breathing is normal!!!  She does snore on occasion but that depends on the way she's sleeping. The very heavy breathing is gone and she silently breathes now. Yep, that caused me to be on high alert because I was afraid she would stop breathing and I wouldnt hear her. 

After six days of running to her side and checking on her...I believe this will be our new normal.

The biggest point is... SHE DOESN'T STOP BREATHING!!!!! This was a big one. I believe the apnea is GONE!!

I'm one blessed Momma! 

Well, until next time... thank you for stopping by and reading!

Our Princess had her surgery....

For those who haven't heard, our oldest daughter needed surgery. She needed a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. For those who don't know.... it's the removal of her tonsils and adenoids. They were causing her to have sleep apnea, which made her stop breathing at night. This also contributed to her not sleeping well at night and she'd always be tired. We had a list of stuff we needed to do in order to prepare. Once we had that done, we headed to the hospital on April 29th. Her surgery was scheduled for 8:30. 

***I took pictures of her where I could during this process.***

Once we checked her in and the paperwork was started, we waited in the waiting room for a few minutes. I had just enough time to run to the restroom and when I came out, the nurse had all ready called her name. My heart dropped. This was really happening. I hated having to put her through this. My husband and I followed her back to a VERY small room. It was large enough for two chairs and a child's size hospital bed. Therefore, my mom had to stay in the waiting room for that time. 

Princess removed her clothes and slipped into the hospital gear. Then relaxed on the bed while we answered a million questions for various nurses and doctors.

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The wonderful nurse brought Princess a gift for her big day. Daddy was acting goofy to lighten the intensity of the situation, Emma didn't think he was so funny. 

Here she is showing everyone the lovely gifts. (Which I will add was a surprise and it helped with the entire process.) This is where the MD came in and told us what he had planned for her. I didn't like the fact that he didn't take into consideration about a child sitting in front of him. He proceeded to tell my husband and I what he'd do doing the surgery. By the time he left, Princess was pretty spooked. My husband decided that it was time for Emma's BFF to come back...MeMaw. (These two are so bad at times.)

When my mom got settled in, she managed to get Princess's smile back and calm her fears. We prayed for the doctors and nurses who would be with Princess during her surgery. Then we prayed for her. Once the seriousness was over, Princess and my mom started acting up. 

I had to calm them down a few times for getting loud. My mom gave Princess her special rock to hold during the wait. Of course, she just HAD to have a picture with it. The anesthesiologist came in and started to talk with us. He explained that she'd be going to sleep with a special type of air he'd give her through a special mask. That's when she'd gently fall asleep for the MD to perform her surgery. While in the room, he saw Princess's dolphin toy and they ended up making as many animals sounds as they could. Princess's by far beat the doctors. ** I still laugh when thinking of this. It was super cute.**

After the play, he asked Princess to take a small amount of "sleepy" medicine, which would help relax her and make it easier for the doctors to do their thing in the OR. She took it like a champ and this was her reaction...

Yeah, she didn't like the after taste. It didn't take long for the medication to kick in and do its thing. She went from sitting up to laying down. My step-dad (Pappy) called her to check in while he was at work. By the end of the conversation, Princess didn't know what she was talking about. For the most part, she slurred a lot.

By this time I was fighting back tears. I didn't want them to take her. However, I knew we had made the choice because it was for the best interest of her health. My pregnancy hormones had me tearing up even more, therefore, I couldn't hold it back. I had an internal battle going on. I knew my husband would want to be with her at this point, but Princess needed her BFF. Before we had time to do the switch again, they came and started pushing her away. At this point, she wasn't talking or reacting to anything. She was staring off into space. I was NOT ready for this. They were moving quickly and I couldn't get one last picture without it being blurry. I hardly had time to kiss her. I wish they would have slowed down just a bit so I had time for another kiss.

My husband was waiting in the waiting room when we came out. I informed him that they took her back all ready with a frown. I felt really bad that he didn't get to see her once more. He inhaled and suggested we try to eat. I couldn't eat anything for the first few hours that morning. I didn't feel right eating in front of our daughter when she couldn't eat. When he mentioned food, I instantly realized I was starving. 

We went to the cafeteria for food. The hospital makes great omelets. This is the first breakfast foods we go for. I ordered mine, but the lady was in such a rush... she didn't ask my husband if he wanted something. So, we waited until another lady within the line noticed we had been standing there for a while. Greg told her he was waiting to order his since he was skipped. This kind woman stopped in the middle of her order and told Greg to get his. 

Once the three of us had our food, we quickly ate. I kept an eye on the time and watched the second hand tick by while making its way around the clock. I still held back tears. I NEEDED to know that my baby girl was fine. 

We made our way back up to the same day surgery floor, checked back in, and took our seats.  They gave us a ticket with her patient number on it. We could see where in the process she was by finding her number on a television screen in the waiting room. The doctor told us that she'd be in the OR for about 73 minutes, providing all went well. I kept my eyes on her number. I memorized it to be sure. (191833) had been listed under OR for some time. My mind went nuts. I couldn't help to think that I could lose her. I could loose the only baby I physically had at that moment. I just wanted them to bring her back. 

After about 70 minutes, I saw her number move from the screen. A small bit of panic picked up when I realized it hadn't popped up in the recovery category yet. Once I saw it, I announced it to my mom and husband. She had made it through the surgery and was in recovery. PRAISE GOD!!!

It took about twenty minutes for a guy to come out and call our name. He told us that one of us had been requested to come back for when she woke up. Typically this would be Mom. However, I wanted it to be all of us. I stood up and started walking towards the doors. My hubby started to follow and was told to stay in the waiting room. I didn't like this. She is BOTH of ours and she was going to want to see both of us. I hated having to walk back without him. 

The male nurse directed me to the recovery room. They had my little girl laying on her side, with oxygen to her face, and she was covered up with a blanket. She hadn't woke up yet. The nurse explained to me the ways she's seen children wake up from anesthesia. Most of the time, they were scared and cried. I wasn't prepared AT ALL for what I was about to go through being pregnant. 

When she started stirring, I heard her breathing through mucus. I was afraid of her coughing and hurting her throat. As she came too, she started whining and tossing her head around. I felt so bad for her. I tried my hardest to steady her head to make sure she didn't hit it off of the side of the bed. A few moments later, she started messing with her IV while crying. She didn't want it in. I held down her hands and gently placed my head by hers. I tried calming her down with my voice and playing with her hair. Normally she loves her hair played with. 

The nurse seemed to only make matters worse. She kept shushing my daughter. I know she doesn't like that. I have never shushed my children. I feel it's rude. My daughter was trying to tell me something but the nurse wouldn't back off long enough for her to try to relay the message. I seriously wanted to hit the woman. I gently had her look at me and told her... can you use one word to tell me what's going on?

With eyes full of sadness and pain, she managed one word... "OUCH." Pain! She was in pain. This registered and I panicked. Immediately, I looked at the overbearing nurse and told her to get something for the pain. They told me they could manage it and I thought they would have given her something for the pain before waking up. NOPE! They gave her nothing. The nurse forgot. Yep, at this time I wanted to hit her.

She scrambled off for the pain medication and I got a moment with my daughter. I sang to her and got her to FINALLY calm down. I explained to her that the IV had to stay in. If they or she took it out, any medicine they gave her would have to be in a shot because she couldn't swallow anything at that moment. Therefore, any type of pills would be out. She accepted the fact that she had to keep the IV and hid her hand under the blanket. 

She continued to cry. The nurse came back with something for the pain, put it in the IV, and asked which person could come back with us. Again, I had to choose between my husband and my mom. Emma was really close to both of them. In this situation, all of us could have been there. The room was plenty big enough and there weren't many patients in recovery. I left the decision up to my daughter. 

I asked her to raise one finger for Daddy and two fingers for Memaw. She raised four. She wanted all of us. The pain unexpected came back and the crying started again. I asked her to tell me who else she'd like and she raised two fingers. She wanted my Mom. I felt bad for Daddy because I knew he'd want to be with her. I hated being put in this position. 

The nurse got my mom. Once she came back, she fed a popsicle to my daughter and calmed her down enough for her to sleep. This was a blessing. The feelings that went through me at that moment was crazy. I was relieved to see her asleep. However, I ached inside because I had to put her through this. I felt bad because I really don't know what she's going through. I just sat there and stared at my beautiful daughter.

 

They had her in the recovery ward for an hour before moving her to her room. This is where we all were allowed to wait with her. I went out to the waiting room and got hubby. We rushed back to our daughter's side. She was still sleeping. The nurse informed us that she'd be sleeping for the next few hours because of the pain medication they gave her before moving her from recovery. Hubby and I took this as a cue to go eat. We quickly grabbed some food. On our way back, we stopped in at the gift shop and grabbed her a present. This made her day. Several hours later, the nurse came in to check up on our little girl, which woke her up.

 I was super excited for her to see her gift. Once I knew she was fully awake, I gave it to her. Immeditately she began cuddling the stuffed animal.

 She decided to eat a popsicle and watching television. She was in much better spirits now and the pain was well controlled. They told us that she was doing so good. 

 

From that point on, she was awake. Her and my mom carried on and had us all laughing. The nurses raved about how great she was taking everything. They didn't have a problem giving her any types of medication or when they needed to check something. She took it as well as anyone could expect after going through a painful surgery as she did. I was truly impressed. She was handling this much better than I expected. 

They told us seeing how she was doing so well, she could go home. They'd prepare her discharge papers while hubby and I dealt with the pharmacy for her medication for home. Once that was squared away, they removed the IV, which she did great at and the vital thing from her finger. She was set to go. We changed her back into her day clothes and gathered up everything within the room.

Hubby ran to get the car while Sunshine hopped into a wheel chair. She couldn't have been happier with the news of going home.

After we loaded up and headed for home, Sunshine's medication for pain started wearing off. Daddy gave her something for the pain. It didn't take long for her to relax. She put in her earphones and enjoyed the ride home.

We made it home with no bad incidents. We helped get her comfortable in the living room on the air mattress. We felt it would be easier for her to sleep with my mom while she was here. This way if anything were to happen, she'd have help. Not to mention, who doesn't like doing things differently every once in a while? Sunshine loved the idea of camping in the living room. 

Shortly after we were settled, she managed to eat some buttered noodles. Then, with her last dose of medication of the night we headed for bed. My mom, hubby, and I took over with shifts when it came to her medicine. I am so happy to have them with me so they can help me through the sleep less nights.