The Uncomfortable Truth

Trust & Forgiveness

My biggest struggles in life right now.

A lot has happened to get me to the point in my life where

I struggle to forgive this particular person. You see.. when I thought I 

had forgiven them, something came up to show me that this person wasn't being the person

they were putting off. They would repeatedly do the exact things to hurt me, yet expect

me to continually forgive them..

... and I did because what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't forgive those

who has wrong me like Christ forgave those who wronged him? 

At times, I feel as if these feelings were going to consume me; leaving me unable to trust

fully once again. A lot of the time, I found myself living these past struggles, instead of enjoying 

the here and now. I couldn't help it though. 

The thought of this person being in these situations.. doing the things they did... replay in my mind 

like a movie I never intended to see. I often wonder if the words of encouragement, love, and endearment are real or if they're just a cover for more things going wrong. I struggled to set boundaries for myself; telling myself to let go. I remembered thinking that if I could just forgive...then I could move on. Then I wondered if it were pointless or worth saving.

I am often faced with the dilemma of... "Is it time to walk away to save me?" When is it okay to stop the hurt and say that it's enough?

Apology after apology.

Wrongdoing after wrongdoing.

Lies.

Deceit.

Secrets.

It's like a never-ending cycle. 

I can't make them change, regardless of how much I desire for them to do so. I try to talk with them, so they know the way I feel. This goes either one of two ways...

1. They never have anything to say....

OR

2. Their actions are a result of my inaction.

Then, I feel like I hit a brick wall.... again.

Communication halted.

A few days pass...

and we go on like nothing happened.

Everything was swept under the rug.

Except now...

now I am expected to carry on while carrying 

the hurt, anger, and pain.  

Never seems as if the cycle will end...

... unless....

I walk away.

Walking away....

the thought hurts and questions take over.

My heart aches thinking about it

but I know I have a choice to make.

They say history repeats itself...

... does this pertain to relationships?

If only they would fully open up and talk.

Put into action the words that they speak.

Show love...ALL the time. Not for a week and then go right back.

- Anonymous 

Expecting After a Loss...This is for you!

My reaction for when I first saw my son and he started crying. A moment in my life I will never forget.

Dear Grieving Pregnant Mommy,

Let me start by saying that if you haven't been following my journey you probably don't already know that I am a mother of an angel who gave birth to her rainbow baby five months ago. So, it hasn't been that long since I was where you are now. The feelings that you are feeling...yes they are normal. Quite normal to be honest. If you find yourself crying, go for it. It's okay to cry. Believe me, the pregnancy journey after a loss is an emotional on. Boy, oh boy let me tell you what a day it will be when you give birth to your rainbow baby and your precious bundle of joy is handed to you....ALIVE!!!! 

I honestly didn't think I would reach that point. I found myself thinking about how I would handle going "through it again." How would I react? Could I handle it if I lost this baby I was carrying in the same womb who failed me almost a year before? I thought about the different things I would want for his funeral that we didn't have for our angel, Dakota. I couldn't even bring myself to think of having a shower for him because I didn't want all these items sitting around my house reminding me of what isn't. Just like the same baby items sit from Dakota's shower reminding me of what we lost. 

For some reason, planning a funeral over a baby shower was easier for me. It wasn't very long ago that I was forced to have a funeral and I wasn't prepared. This time around, I was going to be prepared. I even went to the extent of having the same funeral home's number, address, and what not in my hospital bag. I had the take taker of the cemetery's number, too. I didn't make this known to those around me because all they would have said was... it's going to be all right. That's one thing that I heard, time and time again. "Everything is going to be all right. Have faith in God." 

Up until I gave birth to our rainbow, I didn't prepare at all. Yes, we ended up having a small baby shower for him. But everything sat as it was when it was carried from the car. Gift bags cluttered my living room, as well as a crib that hadn't been set up. Bottles weren't cleaned and sterile. Diapers were still unwrapped. I just couldn't bring myself to set up and prepare for bringing baby home. In all honesty, I felt as if it were going to be time wasted. 

I didn't purchase anything for our son during the pregnancy, until my husband decided to go to the all town yard sale. Of course, I dreamed of seeing my son in the different outfits, shoes, and other baby items we saw during our walk around town, but I couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. My husband on the other hand saw the need to get ready for our son. He arranged the pick up of all the clothes he purchased that day. I couldn't handle it. I walked away.

That, too, is okay. I only did what I knew I was able to handle and you can too. Don't feel ashamed for being scared. You have every right to be. You will have people telling you that you can't live in the fear or be scared to prepare for the very different future you'll be facing. However, they really do not know what we know. Right? They really haven't experienced death like we have. We are always grieving and I believe we will never stop. We know what it's like to feel death come from our bodies, which were once full of life. We know heartbreak that won't ever end.

I can personally tell you that the journey through pregnancy after a loss is another trying period within your life, but totally worth it. Believe me, my pregnancy with my rainbow was very trying. On top of all the fear and worry, the pregnancy didn't go without complications. At about seven months into the pregnancy with my rainbow, I found out that I had polyhydramnios. It occurs in about one in every 100 pregnancies. It can lead to developmental abnormalities or pregnancy complications.Of course, on top of worrying about my son and him dying before I got to meet him, I now had even more stacked against me. I had to worry about going into labor prematurely. I had to worry about a prolapsed cord during labor when my water broke. If a prolapsed cord happened, my son would be cut off from his oxygen supply and his nutrients. This scared the crap out of me. 

So, when I tell you it's worth it when you FINALLY hear your screaming baby...IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! 

***Keep a look out for my writing updates on my book, Journey to Our Rainbow (working title) here on my author blog. ***

It's just stuff....Shouldn't it be easy?

I'm about to face one thing since Dakota's passing that I dread. Parting with the baby items we bought or were gifted for her. I know that time is going to come soon. It has too. If I don't let go of the material objects we had for her, we won't have the room for the boy stuff that's needed.

This is a never ending battle within me. It's crazy how attached to a bib or a bottle I am. Just thinking about giving/selling ANY of the items we had planned on using for Dakota puts me in tears. I don't understand why I'm so attached to this stuff. She never touched any of it, yet it pains me to think about. 

I realized this today. We have a new neighbor moving in and while I was outside, I noticed there was baby items for a little girl in the back of the truck. Without thinking, I asked if they had a baby girl and how old she is. The woman told me her grand-daughter is 5 months old. I didn't even think before saying it but I asked her if they needed anything. Well, they are in the need of stuff. They have been hitting up yard sales around the area in search of the baby stuff they need. 

I'm a giver. So, when I hear of someone in need... I jump at the chance of helping them when and if I can. Again, without thinking, I continue to tell them that I have a bunch of baby girl stuff that I may be able to help them with. The conversation ended up going into what happened with our precious daughter and why I feel the need to get the baby girl stuff outta here. 

Once we had finished talking, I came into the house and cried! How am I ever going to find it within myself to free myself of this little girl stuff, which is a constant reminder of what isn't? I need to find it within myself to make room for our son. I just can't bare the thought of sending anything out the door that was meant for her. It's just as hard when it comes to accepting anything for a boy. 

This emotional road is one in which I will never fully understand. Will I ever find it within to pass the blessing on to someone else? 

Lord, give me strength!

Not High Risk.... Are you crazy?!?!?

Pre-Pregnancy Photo

The outcome of the Pre-Pregnancy appointment didn't pan out the way I had hoped. First off, the doctor didn't do any tests or any type of exams. So, I don't see how he could tell me if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

But, he did say to go ahead and begin trying. We went over a future pregnancy plan that included me NOT being High Risk. O.o This doesn't make sense to me. I went full term with Dakota when she was stillborn. She gained her wings only hours before I delivered her. To me, I should be high risk.

He wants me to begin taking my prenatal vitamins. Which I already expected this. That's cool with me. Other than that, he didn't say much more.

When I do get pregnant, I won't be seeing him because he's having some health issues that require his attention. Therefore, he won't be practicing. So, in the meantime I am going to get a second opinion.

I'll still physically prepare for a pregnancy now. But I want a doctor who is going to be serious and believe me when I say I need something. I want the doctor to have the willpower to ensure that we do everything physically possible to bring our Rainbow Baby into the world...ALIVE!!!

I've talked to other angel parents and have been told that each pregnancy after their angel was considered high risk. So, I wont settle with a doctor who doesn't think my situation is serious. I want as many ultrasounds as possible throughout the future pregnancy. Especially as my due date closes in. I also don't want to come even close to being overdue. Dakota was a week over due. Therefore, I'd like the doctor to possibly induce me around 38-39 weeks providing the baby is healthy enough to be delivered then.

Angel Mommies... what was your Rainbow pregnancy like? Did the doctors do anything extra within that pregnancy compared to before your angel gained his/her wings? I need any and all advice I can get on this one.

Our Journey Begins.... Again

Well, I am super nervous because today's the day I go back into the OB/GYN's office. This is the same office that I had previously gone to when I was pregnant with Dakota. I'll be seeing the same doctor today. I'm having mixed feelings about this. I know deep inside that Dakota's gaining of her wings was not the doctors fault. It wasn't any one's fault. Her journey and her story was written short. I may not like it and I don't have to like it. But that's how it is. I can't change it.

What I can change is how I feel with the upcoming appointment. I am scared that the doctor will tell me some dreadful news and we won't be able to try again. I NEED a baby. The reason we were able to get pregnant with Dakota, was because we wanted her. We wanted another baby. During the pregnancy with Dakota, I was ecstatic. There wasn't a thing in the world that would bring me down, except when my daughter gained her lovely angel wings.

Am I afraid to try again? HECK YES!!! Every fiber of my being shakes from nervousness and my heart races at the thought. I'm sure after everything that I have been through, that this is normal. Am I afraid it's going to happen again? A little bit, but I know Jesus has my back. He won't put anything on my shoulders that I can't do. Besides, he's with me with this walk.

I'll be back later to check in and update everyone on how my appointment went. Please say a quick prayer for me. I could use them. :)

Things I Have Noticed Since Becoming An Angel Mommy

I've only been an angel Mom for about four months. In this short amount of time, I have noticed a few things that most don't realize their doing and end up being hurtful towards those who are angel Moms.

As an angel Mom, I want to talk about Dakota. I want to keep her memory alive. So, every chance I get I talk. When I can't talk, I have post cards with the cover of Dakota's story on it that I hand out. I use them as another form of telling people I have an angel as a daughter. I have been through the unthinkable.  The card displays the small symbols on earth that remind me of her. I like to think of her as my butterfly and the Bible verse is one that wouldn't leave my mind the weekend I lost her.


Even though I am hurting on the inside, I am still proud of the little life that I had within me for nine full months. I want to be like any new mommy. I want to tell the world about her. But when I do, people turn away from me. Or they pretend to listen. Why would anyone want to hear about a baby who died? It's so sad.

HELLO!!! That baby who died, is my baby. I want to scream and shout it from the roof tops. I want everyone to know that baby you can't bare to listen about IS alive. It's heartbreaking when those who I think are the closest to me won't even listen. I hear excuse after excuse when I begin talking about Dakota.

Someone out there, please let me talk about my baby girl. Let me tell you how much I love her because I can't tell her. I have all this love for her and I can't share it with her. So, who can I share it with?

Less than Two Months

Here I am again to check in with everyone. I sort of can't wait until after the wedding so I can begin blogging here everyday again. The wedding plans are stressful but coming along. The closer it gets.. the more anxiety I feel but I'm sure it comes with the whole wedding/getting married thing.

Below is a sample of my wedding invites that I chose..... What do you think?

I love it because it reminds me of my favorite author: Edgar Allan Poe!!! Next on the list is gathering the rest of the decorations and getting odds and ends that are left.

I want to thank everyone who has followed me on this journey and I will be back later for another up date. I hope you enjoyed this one. Have a wonderful week.

Overloaded with Stress

I'm sure most of the blogging world would agree that when we write/post our finds, giveaways, reviews, and stories; it helps with our stress level in some way. Well, normally this would work for me. But I don't think for the next week anything will work.

The long awaited for dental surgery is Monday, Nove 14th. ONE WEEK FROM TODAY! And I am freaking out. It's my first surgery.

One thing I hate and I mean hate is doing something blind-folded. (Not literally) I feel this is like walking with a blind fold on. You have no idea what is coming your way.

I'm the type of person that needs to follow a list, schedule, or know what I am needed to do. Well, my surgery falls under none of that. So yeah I am freaking out. I feel this coming week is going to be full of restless nights and anxiety of the unknown.

Is anyone else like this?

The Waiting Game

 As everyone who's been following along with my story knows, I'm in the process of preparing for a full mouth extraction.

This past Wednesday I met with the dental surgeon who may be doing the surgery providing the insurance approves it from that aspect. They told me that the procedure would be about two hours long and I'd be put "to sleep". This sounds good so I don't have to go through the entire two hours watching what they are doing.

At this point in time, I have no idea when they are going to do it. I guess the way it works is... my home dentist got the approval for the dentures. I misunderstood them thinking this was for everything. The insurance company has to also approve the "plan" and agree to pay for what the surgeon has planned. They said that it will be a rough road to recovery but once it's done... I will be agreeing that this was the best thing I ever did.

In all bluntness, I'm scared shitless. I'm so nervous. I have a five year old and my fiance works. He can put her off to school but I'm the one who normally gets her off the bus. So, at this point I have no idea how we are going to work this. Over the coarse of five years, I've heard friends and family tell me that I need to get my teeth taken care of and they would be there to help.

Wednesday was a challenge to all of them... I guess you could say a test in which several failed. People told me they had things to do around the time my daughter got off the bus and therefore couldn't get her. (If I wasn't back in time). I had two offers to help from those I least expected. So, I want to thank that person for coming to help when I needed you. I appreciate it.

So, I'm asking anyone out there that's been through this to share tips for afterward on the healing process and how I can make myself the most comfortable. What types of things should I avoid? Is it very painful? Help me ease my mind so nothing comes as a surprise.

Thanks for reading.