Like a Child...

Parenting is a mission that many are selected to do. It's a forever mission appointed by God. As parents, we are qualified to do His bidding. We are to be the light that shines through the dark so our children can find their way. We are to speak and teach the truth. But our most important job within parenting is to pray for our children.

Over the past ten years of my parenting journey, I remember feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. At times, I even feel this way today. My oldest seems to always want her life to revolve around electronics and when she's glued to her Kindle, her attitude sucks. At one time, I felt like I failed, like my body failed when I lost my daughter in the womb and she was stillborn. I have even felt like a failure with my currently two-year-old son because he's not where the doctors believe he should be when it comes to talking.

God has spoken to me on numerous occasions in the most unexpected ways. He told me that He understands what it feels like to lose a child and gain one at the same time. I was confused by this and it took me three years to understand. He lost His child to sin but gained Him by the cross. 

He told me He understands my pain when it comes to the broken relationship that I have with my oldest. I have had the hardest time trying to connect with my daughter as she gets older. Our interests aren't the same. She loves dinosaurs and I'm clueless about them. She enjoys Pokemon and I don't even know where to begin. She hates doing her hair and I love it. She's not interested in makeup but I enjoy it. We are very different. I keep reaching out and she keeps pushing away. I try to teach her the right ways to go and it seems to flow in one ear and out the other. I try to guide, protect, and love her to the best of my ability, but she won't have any of it. 

Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me explain how God understands what I am going through as a parent. He continually loves us. There isn't a sin in this world that will stand in between the love of God and His child (You). God has given us freedom, as I have done with my daughter, to choose our own way. He gives us the opportunity for us to show Him in return the love we have for Him. However, this doesn't stop Him from pursuing a relationship with us. Just as I have done in the past with my daughter, God is doing it with us too. He reaches and we push away. He comforts and we blame Him. He wants to build a stronger relationship with us but we're nieve and think we can handle it on our own. We are His stubborn children.

Regardless of how much we push away, He's always there when the rough spots hit. That's when we seem to seek out His love, strength, and healing the most. But He wants more than that. He wants us ALL OF THE TIME. He will continue to pursue us because He knows we are worth it. He knows the ways He can teach us. He knows how He can or will use these to teach us about Himself so we can get to know Him better. He knows the ways to make us more like Him by growing the fruit of the Spirit within our hearts. We just need to open up to Him and allow Him to work. 

This is especially true when it comes to our children too. Once we fully submit to God, we can focus on our children and teach them of the love of Christ. We can trust our children to Him through prayer and by building our relationship with Him. 

He's here.

He's waiting.

Do you accept?

Come Sit. Let's talk....

Grab a cup of coffee and stay awhile. 

❤️

I have something to tell you. 

I'm talking to you.

The Mom who is stressed and depressed.

The one who tries so hard but feels like you failed.

The one who has puffy eyes with dark circles around them.

The one with spit up covering your last clean shirt.

The one who fights daily to get your child(ren) up and off to school.

The one who battles the "know it all" attitude.

I'm talking to ALL mothers at every stage of parenting.

❤️❤️❤️

This message is an important one and I pray you open your heart to receive it!

Motherhood is very rewarding and most of the time, it's a journey where Mom's wonder if they're doing this parenting thing right. At times, we lay in our beds after a very rewarding, yet stressful day, and wonder if we made any difference in our children's lives. Maybe you're worried about the news you just received and you're unsure of the steps you must take. Perhaps you feel that you need to be strong because it's the only choice you have. Maybe, you're laying in bed going over the list of things that you didn't get done or of the upsetting situation that occurred only hours before.

Can I tell you something? What if I told you that none of this matters? What if I told you that you're doing exactly the right thing and that you don't need to stress about it? 

You see life is full of its own challenges. These small bumps in the road are only meant to build you up for the greatness God has in store for you. Each one of our stories are the same, yet they're different. Motherhood has such a vast array of obstacles in it and sometimes we find ourselves comparing our parenting skills with those around us or we find ourselves weakened by these obstacles which make it hard for us to believe that we're on the right track. However, all these negative thoughts hinder all the beautiful things that we did accomplish and they overshadow the best moments.

Take a moment. Push aside any negative thought you have that are clouding your mind. Allow God to show you the moments where you made a difference in your child(ren) life/lives. I'm sure you're weakened spirit is at a weary moment right now. Maybe the beautiful moment I am referring to is that moment where your toddler stopped in mid run to turn to you for a slobbery kiss and big hug. Maybe it's that moment where your child ran into the house from the bus ready to show you all of the studying you helped with paid off with a high test score. Maybe it's the college acceptance letter that arrived in the mail. These are the blessings I want you to see and remember.

We all feel like we've messed up somewhere along the way but let me assure you...YOU ARE DOING GREAT! The enemy is whispering all these lies in your ears and I want you to know that his goal is to steal your joy. He wants you to focus on those areas in life where you feel defeated, broken, and anxious. He wants you beating yourself up because your toddler ate the crayon before you noticed. He wants you constantly feeling bad for forgetting the school lunch during a trying morning with the kids. He wants you to feel like you failed because your teen has an attitude problem and is facing hardships that only adults should be enduring.

STOP THOSE LIES IN THEIR TRACKS!

Let me tell you this....

You are worthy.

You are smart.

You are strong.

You are amazing.

You are not a failure.

You are A MOTHER!

❤️

Being a mother is such a blessing. From this moment on, I want you to focus on the part of life where you succeed and stop focusing on the "mess ups". Stop looking for the unfinished tasks from the day because you have done everything God needed you to do. He guides and gives. He loves and forgives. Therefore, you need to forgive yourself. 

You are the daughter of a King and you are worth far more than rubies. Hold your head up. Praise God for the joys of motherhood and ask Him to guide you in your moments of weakness. With Him, all things are possible. Therefore, don't shy away from Him but run into His waiting arms to be embraced by His love, strength, and grace.

Being Content With What You Have

When we try to live beyond our means and keep up with the latest things, we often set ourselves up for disappointment and un-contentment within life. I've witnessed people complain about the things within their lives when they are comparing it to the lives of others. Especially when it comes to relationships. It's not about what we don't have. It's about being grateful for the things we DO have. 

We have a tendency to get wrapped up in social media. This is a big source that feeds our discontentment. We sit by day-after-day and watch others share their lives through posts, pictures,

and updates. Most of the time, it's all just a show. No one is really that happy... right? However, that's not always true. True happiness isn't found by sharing what we wish we had or what we want. It's by showing gratitude for what we have. We allow the outlook appearances of others to shave away pieces of our happiness over time. 

Let me tell you a story:

Meet Jen. She's a successful woman who has an awesome sense of style. Her hair and makeup are totally on point. She always appears to have her stuff in order. When she shares pictures on her social media through the day, the happiness radiates from her. Her photos show that she spends a lot of time shopping and going out on the weekends. Sounds like a good life... right?

What you don't see is the nights where Jen cries herself to sleep from the lack of that someone special. What you don't see is her overworking herself so she doesn't have the dead silence of the night getting to her. What you don't see is her complete discontent for the lack of people who truly care.

Now I want to introduce Mandy. She's a mother of three and stays at home to take care of the kids. Her husband works odd hours. When she posts on her social media, she shares different accomplishments her children have mastered or the new recipe she found. She's constantly sharing different posts about her husband and her love for Jesus. However, in most of the photos she shares, you see her hair is a mess, she's wearing yesterday's makeup, and she's usually in her comfy clothes that have food stains on them from her two-year-old. Occasionally you'll see her husband post a sweet message to his wife for all that she does for the family and how much he appreciates it.

What you don't see is how overwhelmed Mandy is but loves every minute of it. What you don't see is the family meals at night and thanks being given to the Lord for providing the meal. What you don't see is the hugs and kisses which warm her heart. What you don't see is the love of having a full house and no time for herself. 

****

Honestly, we don't need it all. Most times, we need only what the Lord has provided for us. It may seem as if Jen has it all but in reality loneliness is a overbearing part of life. Mandy's life may seem like it's overwhelming and chaotic but it's full of life's biggest blessings. The moral of these stories are for us to stop comparing what we see online and start focusing on what's in front of us. Our blessings come in forms most of us take for granted. Our happiness is a moment to moment choice that we have.

 Are you going to chose happiness?

It Never Hurts to say "Thank You"

I have heard over and over what people think about me as a stay at home Mom, but one thing I hardly hear is how appreciative those who I care for are for the things that I do. Most of the time, the lack of sleep, showers, and food go unnoticed. Some have this notion that mothers who stay at home with the kids all day are…in a way…either not pulling their weight or just sitting around, doing nothing the entire day. Boy, that is way off!!!

Here is a glimpse of a good day for me...

7:00 AM: My husband tells me it's time to wake up, however after a restless night with the baby I fight to open my eyes. My son still wakes several times a night to nurse and he occasionally tosses around on our bed, which makes it hard for me to sleep.

7:15 AM: My husband tells me he's leaving for work and gives a wake-up call to our nine-year-old daughter before heading out the door.

7:20 AM: I force myself to sit up in bed so I can muster up the energy to grab my overly energized toddler to change his diaper.

7:25 AM: I yell for my daughter to get up once again as I head to the kitchen with my baby on my hip so I can grab a cup of coffee. 

7:30 AM: I yell once again for my daughter and quickly grab a drink of my coffee.

7:31 AM: My son starts whining and crying, asking in his baby talk for his juice and breakfast, which I can't give to him right away because his sister won't get out of bed. So, he settles for his Lil' crunchies snacks while I run back to the bedroom and literally pull my daughter out of bed.

7:35 AM: My daughter starts whining about not getting enough sleep, she's tired, and doesn't want to go to school, as she makes her way to the kitchen AFTER being told to get dressed.

7:36 AM: I tell my daughter again to get dressed as I get a quick drink of my coffee and start the task of packing my daughters lunch while stopping to give my son another lil crunchier snack.

7:40 AM: I threaten to ground my daughter if she doesn't head into the bedroom to get dressed while I finish up her lunch and start helping my mom by packing hers. *She works at the school where my daughter attends so she's getting ready too.*

7:45 AM: My daughter managed to go back into the room, sit on the bed, and watch the morning cartoons that are playing on the television. It doesn't matter that she needs to be ready to leave by 8:30 because that is what time her ride pulls in.

7:50 AM: I catch my daughter jumping up off the bed as I open the bedroom door. I yell a bit more for her to get a fire under her butt and get ready. She back talks and whines some more. Once I see her picking out her clothes, I ask her what she would like in her lunch. She's very indecisive, so when I ask I don't get a straight answer. I go back out and pack what I think she wants.

8:00 AM: My daughter comes out of the room and flops down at the table with her phone in her hands. (Knowing she's not supposed to touch it before she's completely ready.) I tell her to put her phone down and she begins to argue with me. I raise my voice, tell her if she doesn't put her phone down she's grounded, and she whines as she turns it off.

8:05 AM: I give my son another one of his snacks and pick up some toys so he can occupy himself while I finish fighting to get my daughter ready for school. Then, I ask my daughter what she wants for breakfast since I already packed her lunch. The indecisiveness continues and I decide for her.

8:10 AM: My daughter nibbles at her breakfast while I'm reminding her of what she still needs to get done while feeding more snacks to my son.

8:15 AM: My daughter has finished her breakfast, puts on her shoes, and goes to brush her teeth. I find new toys for my son to play with while I drink a bit of my cold coffee. While drinking my coffee, I try to plan my day in between the fussiness of my son because he wants another snack.

8:25 AM: My daughter comes out of the bathroom and I quickly fix her hair and tell her to get her bookbag from the room. 

8:30 AM: My daughter leaves for school with a messy, quick ponytail and I go to the cupboard to pick out my son's breakfast. *This is usually where my headache kicks in from the lack of sleep and the stressful morning.*

8:45 AM: My son finished his breakfast and I change his diaper. Then, I put him back into the height chair so I can grab a warm cup of coffee and enjoy it this time. 

9:00 AM: My son makes it clear that he's ready to lay back down. I grab him up, head back into the bedroom, and nurse him to sleep. During this time, I do my Bible devotions on my phone through the app. 

9:30- 11 AM: This block of time is different every day. The very first thing I do once laying my son down is run to the bathroom for the first time that day. Then I grab something to eat. Sometimes I lay back down with my son for a bit. If I don't, then I start working on my to-do list, which could be updating information on one of my blogs, planning and plotting for my book, research for my book, dishes or laundry, or I read. If I do lay down, I don't fall into a deep sleep because I'm afraid that if I do...I won't hear my son cry.

11:00 AM: My son wakes up crying for his mum mum. I stop what I'm doing and get him from his bed. He shows me that he wants to play with me, so we go out to the living room floor and play.

12:00 PM: I take my son to the kitchen for lunch and in a feeble attempt at trying to get some work done, I place my laptop on the table by my son and do some work.

12:30 PM: My son makes it clear that he doesn't want to sit in the kitchen anymore and he wants to play. So, I close up my laptop.

12:31 PM: By this time, I am wishing I could have had the dishes done and laundry started. I take his stuff from lunch, put it by the sink, brush off the crumbs, and we head into the living room.

12:33 PM: Diaper change.

12:35 PM: I THINK about taking a shower at my son's next nap.

12:36- 1:30 PM: My son and I play more in the living room. He's adamant on pulling out every strand of my hair as he pulls my hair, pokes me in the eyes, and laughs about it all. Of course, when I see something cute, I snap a picture.

1:30- 2:00 PM: My son starts to get cranky and tells me he's ready for a nap. We head into the bedroom and I change his diaper. Then, nurse him to sleep. *This is usually his longest nap of the day.*

2:00 PM: I can't make myself get into the shower because I fear my son will wake up and I won't hear him cry. *We don't have a baby monitor system.* So, I decide to throw in a load of laundry and do up the dishes. I clean up the toy mess my son left all over the house, which made it look like a tornado came through.

2:30 PM: I do a bit more work on the laptop.

3:00 PM: My daughter comes through the door from school. I beg her to keep it quiet because her brother is sleeping.

3:30 PM: The baby wakes up and is ready for more food. So, we head to the kitchen and I find him something to eat, feed him, and let him play with his sister.

4:00- 4:30ish PM: I'm wishing for a nap, but my daughter informs me that she's hungry, so I make her something small to eat to hold her over until dinner. *My son decides he needs to eat, too, so I give him a snack.*

5:00 PM: Again...my son decides he's hungry too, so I give him more snacks. *Dinner is prepared by my step-dad or Mom.*

5:30- 6:30 PM: Husband tends to come home around this time. He grabs his plate from the microwave if we've finished dinner or sits with us to eat.

7:00 PM: Start to fight my daughter to gather up her bedtime clothes and get her shower.

7:30 PM: Bath baby and have my daughter take her melatonin because without it, she doesn't sleep well.

8:00 PM: Start the bedtime fight with my daughter, while cleaning up any messes the kids made in the afternoon.

9:00 PM: Nurse my son to sleep once his sister is in bed.

9:30- 10:30 PM: Get ready for bed and lay down to watch television until I am ready for sleep.

11:30-2:00 AM: Sometime in here my son wakes up in his bed, crying to join me and my husband in our bed. I grab him, nurse him, and we fall back to sleep.

** Some nights I'm up every hour or so with my son. Only on a couple occasions has he slept ALMOST all night.**

Remember, this is a good day. I could add in the countless times I have to argue with my daughter about something, or sick days, or errands that need to be done. I'm busy during the day... most of the time I don't have the time or the opportunity to shower (unless I take my son into the bathroom with me) or even eat. 

So, the other day when my husband said, "You know I do often overlook how much you actually do for our family. Thank you. I appreciate it." it floored me. In eleven years, he has NEVER thanked me for doing what I do and it meant sooo much to me.

So, if you're a stay at home Mom.... YOU'RE DOING AN AMAZING JOB. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK. IT IS APPRECIATED!!

If you're the working parent... don't forget to tell your spouse how much you appreciate them and do it often. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The writing prompt for today is on normalizing grief. Some believe that this journey is nothing but heartache and pain. I wrote a post earlier this year that I believe ties into this post. You can view it here: Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

In addition to the post, my thoughts for today are this:

Grief is what you make of it. At first, it's hard. Actually, it's very hard. When I started my journey, I felt defeated and powerless. It took me close to two years to realize that I was allowing the grief to

control my life and that's when I decided to take control. I wasn't going to submit to it any longer. Yes, my daughter was here. Yes, my daughter died. However, I didn't have to stay in the state of loss and feeling sadness over it. Instead, I pulled myself together and started honoring her life in more than one way.

The first thing I decided to do was bring to light that she existed so I needed to tell the world. I managed to do this by writing our journey in a book and publishing it on Amazon for the world to read. I figured by doing this, I'm bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, as well as bringing her story, our journey to those who are going through it too. I figured that I could help them by sharing our journey. 

The next thing I decided to do was always honor my angel with different things throughout the year. Each holiday/season, I redecorate her forever bed for her to show my love. By doing this, I'm allowing myself to acknowledge life the way it is and to express the love for her that I can't physically show her.

Each holiday I include her in some way. Most of the time, I light her candle or I sing songs that remind me of her. At times, I even have my family and friends join in.

This is my normalizing grief for me and it works for me.

If you're on this journey with me, what is it that you do to normalize grief in your life?

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - Memory.

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The one memory that has haunted me for the past two years and still hurts to this day is when I had to tell my oldest that her baby sister gained her wings. I dreaded her arrival at the hospital. She was expecting a baby sister, but she got an angel sister instead. The look in her face when realization set in tears up my heart. I wish to this day that I could have carried her heartache and I wish she didn't have to feel the loss at such a young age. 

My oldest, Sunshine, dreamed of the things she wanted to teach her baby sister. I listened to her plans and hopes. I saw her smile and her joy over sharing her bedroom with her baby sister. She excitedly helped me put the baby clothes in the dresser after they were washed. I watched her as she helped me split the room she had to herself for three years by herself to make room for her baby sister.

I also watched as joy and happiness had been stolen from her face when she realized we weren't taking a baby home from the hospital. The way she joyfully ran into that hospital room asking for her baby sister turned to fear and heartache. 

My heart aches as I remember her asking me, "Mommy, why is all of my siblings taken away from me?" or "Why did God allow this to happen to MY sister. I wanted her." She cried to me as I held her.

These are the memories I'm trying to let go of, but they seem to bury themselves deep into my soul. To this day, I pray for my daughter and her healing. I believe the loss of her sister has caused her to hate the world around her and it shows in her attitude. :(

Expecting After a Loss...This is for you!

My reaction for when I first saw my son and he started crying. A moment in my life I will never forget.

Dear Grieving Pregnant Mommy,

Let me start by saying that if you haven't been following my journey you probably don't already know that I am a mother of an angel who gave birth to her rainbow baby five months ago. So, it hasn't been that long since I was where you are now. The feelings that you are feeling...yes they are normal. Quite normal to be honest. If you find yourself crying, go for it. It's okay to cry. Believe me, the pregnancy journey after a loss is an emotional on. Boy, oh boy let me tell you what a day it will be when you give birth to your rainbow baby and your precious bundle of joy is handed to you....ALIVE!!!! 

I honestly didn't think I would reach that point. I found myself thinking about how I would handle going "through it again." How would I react? Could I handle it if I lost this baby I was carrying in the same womb who failed me almost a year before? I thought about the different things I would want for his funeral that we didn't have for our angel, Dakota. I couldn't even bring myself to think of having a shower for him because I didn't want all these items sitting around my house reminding me of what isn't. Just like the same baby items sit from Dakota's shower reminding me of what we lost. 

For some reason, planning a funeral over a baby shower was easier for me. It wasn't very long ago that I was forced to have a funeral and I wasn't prepared. This time around, I was going to be prepared. I even went to the extent of having the same funeral home's number, address, and what not in my hospital bag. I had the take taker of the cemetery's number, too. I didn't make this known to those around me because all they would have said was... it's going to be all right. That's one thing that I heard, time and time again. "Everything is going to be all right. Have faith in God." 

Up until I gave birth to our rainbow, I didn't prepare at all. Yes, we ended up having a small baby shower for him. But everything sat as it was when it was carried from the car. Gift bags cluttered my living room, as well as a crib that hadn't been set up. Bottles weren't cleaned and sterile. Diapers were still unwrapped. I just couldn't bring myself to set up and prepare for bringing baby home. In all honesty, I felt as if it were going to be time wasted. 

I didn't purchase anything for our son during the pregnancy, until my husband decided to go to the all town yard sale. Of course, I dreamed of seeing my son in the different outfits, shoes, and other baby items we saw during our walk around town, but I couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. My husband on the other hand saw the need to get ready for our son. He arranged the pick up of all the clothes he purchased that day. I couldn't handle it. I walked away.

That, too, is okay. I only did what I knew I was able to handle and you can too. Don't feel ashamed for being scared. You have every right to be. You will have people telling you that you can't live in the fear or be scared to prepare for the very different future you'll be facing. However, they really do not know what we know. Right? They really haven't experienced death like we have. We are always grieving and I believe we will never stop. We know what it's like to feel death come from our bodies, which were once full of life. We know heartbreak that won't ever end.

I can personally tell you that the journey through pregnancy after a loss is another trying period within your life, but totally worth it. Believe me, my pregnancy with my rainbow was very trying. On top of all the fear and worry, the pregnancy didn't go without complications. At about seven months into the pregnancy with my rainbow, I found out that I had polyhydramnios. It occurs in about one in every 100 pregnancies. It can lead to developmental abnormalities or pregnancy complications.Of course, on top of worrying about my son and him dying before I got to meet him, I now had even more stacked against me. I had to worry about going into labor prematurely. I had to worry about a prolapsed cord during labor when my water broke. If a prolapsed cord happened, my son would be cut off from his oxygen supply and his nutrients. This scared the crap out of me. 

So, when I tell you it's worth it when you FINALLY hear your screaming baby...IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! 

***Keep a look out for my writing updates on my book, Journey to Our Rainbow (working title) here on my author blog. ***

Bringing Home Our Rainbow Baby: After Loss

Pregnancy is a time of happiness and joy. For many, it's full of fear and worry. When a couple brings home their new baby after losing one, life changes again. The fear and worry don't go away once baby comes into the world screaming and full of life. The fear and worry just shift to other things in focus. Many questions I have asked was: Will he die too? Is he still breathing? Oh no, what if he dies of SIDS?

As a mother of loss and a rainbow, here are a few things that I want my family and friends to know:

1. I'm more confused now more than ever. At times I may think I'm holding my angel when I'm really holding my rainbow. It's confusing because I'm holding my rainbow baby while missing another baby. Certain facial expressions that my rainbow makes has me doing flashbacks in my mind of my angel. Believe me, it sounds crazy but I'm not crazy. So, when I try to express my feelings to you, just listen. I know my baby is dead and isn't coming back. I understand that my rainbow is a completely different baby. It's hard enough on me without the judgement of others.

2. I'm still grieving.  Some may think this way and it's wrong. However, just because I have this brand new bundle of joy in my arms, doesn't mean that I don't miss my angel. I hate how people describe grieving as a process. Just as I have read before, a process is something that has an end. When grieving the child you lost, there will NEVER be an end. Some may think that just because I have a living and breathing child in my arms, all should be better. Nope, actually this takes me back to number one and adds to the confusion. The questions I once asked when I first lost my angel come back once again. Why is my rainbow here with me and my angel couldn't be? What would life be like if my angel was here with my rainbow? These are just a few examples.

3. My heart longs for my angel and at times I want her. Don't get me wrong. I love my rainbow baby with my all being. It's not that I don't want him. Believe me I went through hell to have him here. There was A LOT of tears, fear, and pain to get where I am today. I worked with every ounce of who I am to ensure that on my end, my rainbow came into this world alive. I just wish with ever fiber of my soul that my angel was still here with us.

4. Fear and anxiety is still here but it's stronger. I'm really scared. Actually, this is my normal. For the past year this has been my life. Starting in October of 2013, I was scared that I wouldn't get pregnant. The anxiety took over with each pregnancy test. Then once I saw the test come back with a positive, the fear and anxiety shifted. I worried during the entire nine months and thought only about, "What if it happened again?" When I was about nine months pregnant, the fear and anxiety rocketed sky high. I learned that I had polyhydramnios. I was put on bed rest because this made me at a higher risk for preterm labor and once again the chances of another stillborn went up. I had two appointments each week from that point on. Labor came and I was induced. Fear and anxiety was at it's max and pushing itself to the limits. Up until the moment I heard his first cry, this was all that I felt.

Now that he's here.... that doesn't mean it went away. I worry about him ALL THE TIME. As I stated in the start of this post, I don't believe this will fully go away.

5. I have a hard time with others holding my rainbow or trusting them with him. The moment I'm asked, "Oh, can I hold him?" Or when someone reaches out and takes him from my arms, panic sets in. I'm super scared that something could happen which would result in his untimely death. There are so many sicknesses and diseases being talked about within the news, I'm worried that he'd catch it since he's only had two rounds of his immunization shots. Plus, he's still little and his immune system is still developing.

MOST OF ALL, I still need you. Please don't go. All may seem well. The heartaches is still there now more than it ever was. Don't drift away from me. I'm really not okay. 

Cyber School is a Go...

Sunshine will officially start her classes online tomorrow with PA Cyber School. So far it seems as if she will enjoy it. We went in to the face to face and got our phone call last week. Her last day in public school was last Wednesday. She got her laptop, scanner, and pen/tablet during the weekend. The only items we are waiting on are her books and gym gear. 

She's really excited but I'm a little nervous. I really want her to succeed. I have different things in mind that will make it fun. However, I'm working on the not so fun part. Creating a schedule that works with her new way of schooling. 

Class is from 8:30 in the morning to 2:00 in the afternoon. Between 12 PM and 1 PM is an hour break, in addition to the breaks her teacher will give her during the day. 

Parents are part of each step with this way of schooling, which I really like because normally I didn't know what Sunshine was doing at school until she brought home tests. I was able to help her study with her spelling, vocabulary, and math during the week. However, I wasn't aware of what was going on for other classes. 

I'll give periodic updates with her and how she's doing during the last part of the year. So, keep a look out for the Cyber updates. 

If you're in PA and would like to know more about online schooling, please visit here. PA CYBER

IF you're interested in online learning for your child, please check to see if it's offered online. You could check with your child's school or use Google. 

Thank you for reading..... until next time......

New Year....New Hopes & Goals... Part One

Life has it's ups and downs. This is one thing we all learn along the way. For some it's later in life and for others, they learn this the moment they leave their parents home to journey out on their own in this crazy thing we call LIFE! For me, I have had the blessing of learning this young and it's made me who I am today.

 

I see a lot of the "Happy New Year, this year is my year!" or "New Year, New Me." posts on different social media. I'm not one of these people because I'm up for the rollercoaster ride that life has in store for me in the year of 2015. I do know that 2014 wasn't anything that I was expecting when the year first came in. 2014 took me and my family on one heck of a ride. At times it was so stressful, I was close to throwing in the towel and giving up. However, that's not me. I don't give up easily. I am a fighter and will always be.

 

So here I am to give you ANOTHER update on the home front with my family. Where do I start? The past six months have been one hell of a mess but I've kept holding on. One thing that you will learn if you just recently found my blog, is that I do NOT sugar coat anything, nor do I hold back. I'm very real and I'm not one to hide how my life is. I am not a person who tries to make my life look perfect on the internet, while my life is actually falling apart. Some may look down on this type of behavior, but I'm an Author. I'm a public figure. My readers love the fact that I am REAL. I do not write to impress. I write to express and that's what I am going to do today!

 

First up, my oldest daughter, Sunshine! Man, oh man has she been through A LOT within the past few months and that makes me feel like crap. I wish I could give her the easy way of life. You know...the type of life where things come easy and it's not that hard. The type of life where vacations exist and you get everything on your wish list at Christmas. But... that's not teaching her anything. Is it?

 

In my previous post about Sunshine, her doctor diagnosed her with ADHD. She was on the medication Concerta for two months. During this two months, it was hard for her. She had trouble sleeping, no appetite, and her behavior was worse. When brought up to the doctor about these changes within the first month, he suggested that it was because of her body getting used to it and to keep going for another month. So we did. The side effects continued. By the two month mark, she had lost almost fifteen pounds. Her clothes which used to fit snugly had started to literally fall off of her. She refused to eat the little bits of food that she does. This Momma got scared. Something had to be done. I wasn't liking these changes at all.

 

Not only was she being affected physically, but she was also going through a lot emotionally. Sunshine has always been strong willed and very out spoken emotionally. The Concerta changed this for the worse. She became very emotional and mean. Her attitude and her behavior could make a grown person cry. Her grades have even been hit by this change. She went from a high honor student to struggling. I had enough and told her doctor that she wasn't doing well on this medication. I told him that I wanted her off of it and something else done.

 

He agreed. I immediately stopped the medicine. She has slowly started to show signs of the pre-medication little girl. She still has some of the issues that she had prior, but their not as bad. She's eating again and gaining the weight back. Now, her doctor has referred her to a Psychologist to see if maybe it might be something bigger than just ADHD.

 

In addition to the doctors appointment, we have also decided to enroll her into cyber school. Therefore, I have a meeting coming up with PA Cyber so we can have her enrolled. Hopefully this will help her and give us the ability to help her as well.

 

This is part one... I'll keep you all posted on Sunshine as much as I can. Please keep her and my family in your prayers!

 

 

 

*** To finish reading, please refer to part two of this post. ***

 

We did it.... 37 week mark!!!!

YAYYYYY!!!! We hit our goal of 37 weeks as of yesterday. I'm super excited. I had my check up with the doctor yesterday, along with another ultrasound. This visit didn't go as smoothly as they have been. My first appointment out of the two was for the ultrasound. Baby boy biophysical profile with an 8/8, once again. Which is really good. The amniotic fluid seems to be stable for now. He was very active during the tests and gave us a great show.

This appointment was a bit different because my sister and nephew joined in. My nephew is three. His reaction to seeing Jaxson on the screen was adorable. He made comments such as "I just love him." I didn't know which was cuter, my son wiggling around or the out of the blue things my nephew was saying about my son.

Once the ultrasound was complete, we waited about an hour for the next appointment, which was to check in with the doctor. The same routine happened. They called my name and showed me to a room in the back. I mentioned to the nurse that it's hard to feel baby move compared to contractions. My entire belly is always rock hard and it's really sore. She talked to the doctor who decided it'd be best to hook me up to the non stress testing machine to check on contractions.

The first nurse had a bit difficulty finding Jaxson's heartbeat where it was loud enough for the machine to register the BMP. She found a spot where it was the loudest and added the straps to me. 

As soon as she finished with the first strap, she added the contraction monitor on and I went to town hitting the button as I felt baby boy moving around. He kept jumping away from the monitor for his heartbeat and the machine stopped picking it up. The machine picked up contractions as soon as the nurse pulled her hands away. However, they were far in between and told it they were braxton hicks. 

This is where the appointment changed without me first realizing it. The same woman who gave me trouble in the 35.5 week post I talked about. She pretty much oversees the non stress testing. She came over to me and started messing with the straps to find baby's heart beat again. I watched as my stubborn baby boy didn't work with her. After a few minutes of trying, she found him but had the blue circle monitor at an angle. She grabbed the straps and pulled them tight to keep the monitor in place. It didn't work, so she tightened the straps again. 

After she was done, she went back over to her desk and sat down. At that time, I noticed the top of my belly on the right side felt like it was stinging. I figured this must be another contraction. After a few minutes went by, I noticed baby boy hadn't moved and figured he went to sleep for a bit. The test totaled about 30 minutes. They weren't worried about baby boy's movement this round because I was there for the contractions. 

My doctor came in to check on me and update me with the information from the ultrasound. She also told me that I am scheduled on the books to be in Labor and Delivery on the very early morning of Sept. 1st. to start the induction process. Once she was done talking to me, she told me that the test was complete and she would see me on Thursday. 

The other woman who normally hooks me up, came back over. When she went to unstrap me, I noticed that she had to pull the strap tighter to unhook it. (Sort of like you do with a belt to get it off) She did the same thing with the second strap too. That's when I noticed that she had them wayyy too tight. I had the marks from the straps and the round plastic monitors on my belly. As soon as she pulled the straps tighter, I could feel the straps forcing baby boy to move, which caused me to feel sick. I told my husband my thoughts and he took a look at my belly.

Instantly I saw his facial expression change. It went from calm and content to anger. He said my belly was really red. As I walked out of the office, the burning pain that was on the upper front of my belly went around my right side and into the middle of my back. We left the doctors office and had a few stops to make on the way home. Therefore, it took us a few hours to get there. Once I got home, I realized the pain in my side was worse and the bottom of my belly started hurting too. 

My husband took a look at my belly and the marks were still there, even four hours later. This was the first time we had to call and make a formal complaint. I felt bad doing it, however, who knows what this has done. Even over 24 hours later, my belly is still sore. The top is red and feels like it's bruised, but there's not a visible bruise. I surely hope she didn't mess any thing up.

Once we talked to the doctors office today about this situation, they said that this woman will not be working with me for the remainder of the pregnancy and someone else will over see the non stress tests. 

35.5 week update

I had another appointment on Thursday. Normally, we go in just for a non stress test but this time was a bit different. The entire visit made me and my mom uncomfortable, but I'll explain that part in a minute. As for the new with baby boy, the polyhydramnios is still causing us issues. We went for the normal non-stress test, which went rather well. He was moving around and making it hard for me to sit still. The machine kept picking up his movements, which in turn made me laugh. That's when the contraction side of the test registered the laughs and documented it on the small print out. The test lasted for about twenty minutes before we were sent in for the unscheduled ultrasound. On Monday the amniotic fluid measured a slight bit higher at a 28. The doctor wanted to be sure this was accurate and wanted another ultrasound yesterday. 

Once we got into the ultrasound room and got comfy, the fluid level was checked. It measured from a 28 to a 29. Thus meaning it is slowly climbing. The doctor then decided it's time that we start talking about induction. So, when I go in on Monday, we will start the process/planning. I'll be sure to update you all as soon as I get the chance on Monday or Tuesday. 

As for why the visit made me uncomfortable.....

If you're an angel mom, you'll understand where I am coming from. If not, let me explain. It's hard to be pregnant directly after a loss, especially when you're continuing your prenatal care with the same OB office. At times it feels as if you're reliving the past with your angel. However, up until yesterday I felt okay with going to the same facility. I am normally called back from the opposite side of the room. The waiting room connects to the back of the office with two doors. One on each side of the waiting room. While I was pregnant with Dakota, they started my visit by calling me for

my appointment on the left side of the room. Once we go through the doors, my weight and blood pressure are taken. Then, I'm asked to leave a urine sample and I'm shown to a room where we wait on the doctor. It's the same procedure with baby boy, however it's on the opposite side of the office. I don't feel as if I'm reliving it. 

Yesterday was different. The nurse, who didn't introduce herself, called me back through the opposite side of the room. Yep, for the first time in eight months I walked the same path that I did with our angel baby. This immediately made me uncomfortable. The no name nurse then talked to me like I was stupid and had no clue what I was doing. She told me step by step what to do once we walked through the waiting room door. Needless to say... I felt as if I was stupid. I've only been pregnant three times and within my third pregnancy, I've been doing the same routine twice a week. I know what the heck I am doing. 

When my normal nurse takes my weight and blood pressure, she just waits for me to do my thing. There's no talking needed. I wait for the machine to clear before stepping up on it to get my current weight. Then I normally sit down, stretch out my left arm, and turn the inner part of my arm while trying to make it easier for the nurse. This no name nurse grabbed my arm and no so gently turned my arm back over. Then took my blood pressure. For the first time within this pregnancy, I was asked if I knew how tall I am. I wasn't sure. So, she made me feel stupid again by saying I should know. Then she measured my height. Once she was finished she said, "For future reference, you're 5'1", just so you know." If there wasn't a medical need to take my height, then why do it? 

She continued by saying I was there for a non-stress test and she continued to explain how it worked. All the while I'm thinking... "Did she even read my chart? She should see that I've been doing non stress tests for the last month each Thursday." I tried to inform her that my doctor also wanted me to have an ultrasound. That's when she made me feel as if I was a liar. She looked at the print out in her hand and said, "Well, you don't have one scheduled, so I'll have to see about that." Okay no problem. Do what you need to do. She directed me to a restroom so I can do my thing there and showed my mom and husband to the Non-Stress Test room. 

I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom overheard this nurse talking to the woman who oversees the NST's saying, "She claims they want her to have an ultrasound. I'll have to check that out." The other woman agreed. They both came off as if they didn't believe what I was saying. So, that ticked my mom off and it instantly put her in a bad mood. I could tell the vibes weren't so nice when I walked into the room and sat down. The woman who looks over the tests didn't say a word to me while she hooked me up. Usually we made small conversation and it is rather pleasant. However, this time I felt as if I was an inconvenience. Praise God that the test went quickly and my doctor showed up.

She announced in front of both of the women that if I'll follow her, she'll get me in for the unscheduled ultrasound she wants me to have. I exhaled and a bit of relief came over me when she said that because then I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. My doctor kindly asked for us to follow her to the ultrasound room and discussed everything with the ultrasound tech. From that point on, the appointment went up hill. 

However, the way I was made to feel makes me reflect back on one thing. Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that well. I rolled out of bed after a night of fighting to sleep. My lower back and right side was hurting because of all the pressure. So, in reality I didn't feel like doing my hair or make up. I didn't have a cute outfit on. I had a t-shirt with a pair of yoga pants. I looked the way I felt... like crud.

This goes to show that appearance has a lot to do with how you're treated in public. For each appointment I have been to, I have always had my hair done and so was my make up. I also tried my best to dress somewhat presentable. However, yesterday I did none of this. Normally, I'm treated with the utmost respect. The one day I go in looking less than presentable, I am treated like crap. 

So, for those of you who work in the health field with pregnant women, please remember that even though they may NOT look presentable in your eyes, that doesn't mean you can treat them any different. As a matter of fact, it shouldn't matter what they look like regardless. 

In the end... our graves will look the same. A six foot hole in the ground! Everything in this life, materialistic wise, doesn't matter. It's what is on the inside that matters. Remember before you judge someone, be sure you're perfect and free of any flaws!

Ignorance With Loss- Speaking Out

It's absolutely heartbreaking when I'm surfing the Internet and actually see just how ignorant people are when it comes to child loss. Today I saw a news article on wpxi.com that pertained to a couple in California who gave birth to an angel. Immediately I had to read it and absolutely loved it. I love the fact that even though it's not my story or about my precious Dakota, it's still bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I then felt the need to share Dakota's picture too. For some reason when I see anything on this subject, I have the need to put my daughter out there too. I want people to know she existed and she lived. 

What broke my heart was the response the family got to their photo's of their sleeping angel when they were brought to the attention of the public. Each comment was as if someone had taken a knife and pushed it into my heart. 

Ignorance like these comments:

• "Private pictures ok. Dead babies on the internet no."

•  "Dead Babies on the Internet" - I feel like there is a social commentary type punk rock song in here somewhere...

• People grieve in their own way but the pictures should be kept private within the family not plastered everywhere on the internet and Facebook

• I think it's morbid and constitutes abuse of corpse.

• Not sure how I feel about that one 

1 in 4 women experience child loss in some form...some experience it multiple times. I am 1 in 4. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days. If you have NEVER lost a child, feel blessed because it does change who you are and how you deal with things. I am glad people are speaking out about it and raising awareness. How dare you pass judgement on grieving mothers for having pictures done. Grow up and realize all life is precious and stop being petty. These comment dig deep down inside and bother the heck out of me. Value every second of life. 

Until you lose a child at birth, you have no idea the pain and loss you feel. I feel that no one should have to experience this. It is not warped or disturbing to take photo's of your sleeping angel. What makes you so high and mighty that you can judge? 

Those of us that have lost babies cope in different ways. Don't put the grieving parents down because it is not the way you would choose to grieve. Everyone who thinks this is morbid just can't handle the truth that yes these situations do happen. This is the truth to child loss  Families get photos because it's their child. They will share these with their future children and so on. It's comfort for them to see their little angel. 

IF you're one of those people who deem it warped or disturbing, do me a favor.... chose one of your children you choose to live life without. Yeah, pick one. Doesn't matter which. Now... imagine choosing a headstone for that child. Or how about this, imagine what that child would look like laying in a casket. You know... "dead and disturbing". Ohhh look at that... I hit a nerve. I bet you can't even imagine either one of these scenarios. Can you? 

Now.. picture funeral music playing, flowers, and your last kiss before the casket is closed forever. Remember this will be the last time you will EVER see your child again on this earth. Oh, now they're getting ready to bury your child. They lower the casket as you force yourself to look away. Next they throw the dirt in the hole where your child was just lowered. Let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!!

You have NO right to sit back and judge me as an angel mother for how I choose to deal with the loss of my child. Therefore, until you experience it.. how about you educate yourself about Pregnancy and Infant Loss? Or how about this... reach out and send comfort to a family who was forced to say goodbye before they even had the chance to say hello! Until then, I'll shout it from the roof tops and the mountain tops that my daughter LIVED! You have no right to either like or dislike what I choose to do until you have been here yourself! Plain and simple!!!!