Weight Loss Journey Came to A Halt

It's been a while since I've updated on my weight loss journey. That's because I backslid and went back to my old ways. After losing eight pounds, I ended up gaining 10 pounds back. Now, I must

mention that I've never struggled with my weight until now. Therefore, I have an appointment with my doctor where I will discuss doing a hormonal panel and a thyroid panel to be sure they're not giving me issues. Then I will also be discussing the option of visiting with a nutritionist to ensure what I'm doing is healthy. 

Until then, I'm back to my healthy ways of eating. So if you have some tasty recipes I can try, please share them. I'm super picky about my foods so it's a struggle to find some healthy options I actually enjoy. 

I've planned out my weekly diet menu to make grocery shopping easier on both my husband and me. This includes snacks, but this seems to get boring rather quickly. 

I've also tried multiple apps from my phone to help me keep track of my journey, but each one of them had something I didn't like. From not counting carbs in addition to calories or you had to go premium by paying an outrageous price for a month or year. Therefore, I'm doing it old school and using a small journal to track my food and a planner to track my workouts. These will also go with me to the doctors so she can see what I've been up to between each appointment.

Now the not so pretty info...

My current weight is 180 lbs, which I cringe at. I hate this number more than anything because for my height (5ft 1in), I'm super overweight. My goal is to reach 130 pounds but I'm doing this in sprints. So... my first goal is to reach 170 lbs. Once I achieve this, I'll go to the next goal. Then continue until I reach the 130 lbs mark. I think doing it this way will help and not add so much pressure to me. 

I really don't have a set date as to when I want to reach the overall goal, but I would like to lose at least 10 pounds within the next few months. I'll be walking, doing workout videos in my living room, and when my Mom recovers from her surgery, we will be hitting the gym. 

But for now, this is where I'll start. 

Anyone have some encouragement or stories they'd like to share?

I'm Back.... AGAIN!!!

Man oh, man... it's been FOREVER since I've written anything on here. Now that's about to change. I'm taking on a new adventure, which has been going for about a month now. So come with me as I document this new journey of WEIGHTLOSS. This is where I'll keep a diary of everything I do and see what works vs. what doesn't. Hopefully, someone will find this blog and journey helpful for themselves.

First and foremost, I've decided it was time because I've been doing regular visits to my doctor for various health concerns (not regarding my weight). During this time, I've watched the numbers on the scale going up ... at just about each visit, which was depressing. This is why I've decided to do it. The last time I went to the doctor... I weighed 177lbs, which is my highest weight EVER!! I know some of you may not think it's that bad, but to me it is. Let me put it into perspective. My pre-pregnancy weight looked like this:

This is me after three babies and... well... many many donuts:

I'm the one in PINK!!!

But to me... there's a noticeable difference. 

So now you have the reasons leading up to the decision. (Among others which I'd rather not share.) I'm doing this for me. I want to be healthier and have more energy. 

****

So on April 22nd, I gave all the soda I had left to my husband and daughter. Then gave the snack cakes to my son and haven't touched them since. I stopped eating my nightly bowl of Lucky Charms and traded them in for a more bland cereal: Cheerios.  I had my husband and brother carry my elliptical upstairs from the basement and placed it in my dining room. I was determined. 

However, I had no idea where to start when it came to healthy foods and the best "diet" for my body. I should also tell you that I haven't been the best eater. Meaning... I never eat breakfast. A typical day went with me waiting until around 2 in the afternoon to eat. At that point, I'd have something quick since the kids were either coming home from school or I'd have my hands full with housework. Dinner would come around 6ish and then a very late snack when the kids went to bed. I'd drink coffee in the morning and continually drink Cherry Pepsi during the day. Water wasn't ever part of my diet...until now. I found me several large cups, dumped in a bottle of water with ice, and added flavoring. The flavoring was just to add taste. No carbs. No calories. No sugars. 

Coffee still remains my wake up drink, but I use less sugar. I'm still working on the water part, which I'll admit needs some work. But I'm drinking more water now than I ever have in my life. I fill up my 30 oz cup and sip on it throughout the day. In reality, I should be refilling his cup twice each day. But... as a good friend told me... baby steps.

As for my diet, I started doing research as to what I should do. I figured that the best way to lose this weight was to educate myself first. With all the upcoming hard work, I never want the weight back so I needed to know the best way to shed the pounds. I took weeks researching and taking notes. Then, I finally settled on a new way of eating, which will be explained in the next post.

TUNE IN TO MY NEXT POST:

My Diet 

Direction and Purpose

I've been having a hard time figuring out who I am in Christ. I've done a lot of praying and taking time with God to figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. As I listened to the whispers of God, I heard that I have been given the gift to write for His glory. I'm meant to write about my faith and love for Jesus Christ. As well as His love, grace, and mercy for those who visit this blog. 

This blog is a spin-off from my author blog and I invite each one of you to check out the bits of inspiration there by following this link: http://raebethbuda.blogspot.com/   This blog shares my books and thoughts that spiral from the works I create. 

My plan for this blog is to keep it family oriented, but Christ will be the center of ALL the writing. So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea), sit down, and relax with me. 

Let's chat.... 

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

My intention for my life is to be more grateful in life. I can remember a good part of my life included complaints about every aspect. I unintentionally found the negative in every situation and always thought about the worse case. Since the death of my daughter, I felt overwhelmed by the sorrow in my heart and it caused me not to care for life or those around me. 

I want to continue being the grateful, happy, and joyful person I found only a few months ago. I feel as if I'm alive again and those who are around me seem to be happier with this change. I have dedicated my life to living for Christ and following His lead. 

My intention is to be a better mother, wife, and friend. In addition to being more grateful, I'm going to open my heart for total healing from our loss. I want to take our daughter's short life and make her memory sweet. I want my living children to grow knowing the right way to live. I want to find the blessing God has provided for me each and every day.

New Year....New Hopes & Goals... Part One

Life has it's ups and downs. This is one thing we all learn along the way. For some it's later in life and for others, they learn this the moment they leave their parents home to journey out on their own in this crazy thing we call LIFE! For me, I have had the blessing of learning this young and it's made me who I am today.

 

I see a lot of the "Happy New Year, this year is my year!" or "New Year, New Me." posts on different social media. I'm not one of these people because I'm up for the rollercoaster ride that life has in store for me in the year of 2015. I do know that 2014 wasn't anything that I was expecting when the year first came in. 2014 took me and my family on one heck of a ride. At times it was so stressful, I was close to throwing in the towel and giving up. However, that's not me. I don't give up easily. I am a fighter and will always be.

 

So here I am to give you ANOTHER update on the home front with my family. Where do I start? The past six months have been one hell of a mess but I've kept holding on. One thing that you will learn if you just recently found my blog, is that I do NOT sugar coat anything, nor do I hold back. I'm very real and I'm not one to hide how my life is. I am not a person who tries to make my life look perfect on the internet, while my life is actually falling apart. Some may look down on this type of behavior, but I'm an Author. I'm a public figure. My readers love the fact that I am REAL. I do not write to impress. I write to express and that's what I am going to do today!

 

First up, my oldest daughter, Sunshine! Man, oh man has she been through A LOT within the past few months and that makes me feel like crap. I wish I could give her the easy way of life. You know...the type of life where things come easy and it's not that hard. The type of life where vacations exist and you get everything on your wish list at Christmas. But... that's not teaching her anything. Is it?

 

In my previous post about Sunshine, her doctor diagnosed her with ADHD. She was on the medication Concerta for two months. During this two months, it was hard for her. She had trouble sleeping, no appetite, and her behavior was worse. When brought up to the doctor about these changes within the first month, he suggested that it was because of her body getting used to it and to keep going for another month. So we did. The side effects continued. By the two month mark, she had lost almost fifteen pounds. Her clothes which used to fit snugly had started to literally fall off of her. She refused to eat the little bits of food that she does. This Momma got scared. Something had to be done. I wasn't liking these changes at all.

 

Not only was she being affected physically, but she was also going through a lot emotionally. Sunshine has always been strong willed and very out spoken emotionally. The Concerta changed this for the worse. She became very emotional and mean. Her attitude and her behavior could make a grown person cry. Her grades have even been hit by this change. She went from a high honor student to struggling. I had enough and told her doctor that she wasn't doing well on this medication. I told him that I wanted her off of it and something else done.

 

He agreed. I immediately stopped the medicine. She has slowly started to show signs of the pre-medication little girl. She still has some of the issues that she had prior, but their not as bad. She's eating again and gaining the weight back. Now, her doctor has referred her to a Psychologist to see if maybe it might be something bigger than just ADHD.

 

In addition to the doctors appointment, we have also decided to enroll her into cyber school. Therefore, I have a meeting coming up with PA Cyber so we can have her enrolled. Hopefully this will help her and give us the ability to help her as well.

 

This is part one... I'll keep you all posted on Sunshine as much as I can. Please keep her and my family in your prayers!

 

 

 

*** To finish reading, please refer to part two of this post. ***

 

36 Week Pregnancy Update

This past weeks appointments didn't bring much of a change since the last time I did an update. 

Last Monday's appointment went well and baby boy was extremely active for the ultrasound. He passed the biophysical profile with an 8/8. The ultrasound showed that the fluid went down a few, however, it doesn't take me out of the risk of preterm labor. It went from 29.66 to about 26. That's good. 

I had a Non Stress Test on Thursday. Baby boy was extremely active for this. He seems to hate when they have the straps on my belly. He makes them chase his heartbeat during the test with the monitor. I find it funny and I love seeing him give such a hard time. This shows me that we have a strong willed baby boy who knows what he wants. Honestly, it reminds me of our oldest daughter and her will power.

As for me, I am really not sure how much longer my body can physically handle being pregnant, which scares me. I know my doctor said that our goal was 37 weeks which is term. I have a lot of lower back and hip pain. As well as a burning feeling on the top, right side of my belly. Sometimes the pain shoots from the burning area to around my ribs, and to my upper back. Some times it's so bad it has me in tears. 

The doctor and I did discuss when we think this little guy should come into the world. If he doesn't make his appearance by the 1st of September, then I'll be induced. So, providing all goes as planned Jaxson should be here on Labor Day! 

That's the update for this week and I'll update you all at 37 weeks.... providing I'm still pregnant. 

Pregnancy Update- Not so Great: Week 33

On Monday July 28th I went into the doctor for my bi-weekly check up. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and then had an appointment directly after with my high risk doctor. When going in I was super stressed because I thought something was off. During the week leading up to the appointment, I was sure I was very slowly leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't run into the doctor right away because some of the things that was going on didn't match to the symptoms of leaking the fluid. 

As soon as the ultrasound tech took us back, I asked her to double check two things. The first is the sex of the baby due to the fact that I've been having dreams that we were actually having a girl. The second was the amniotic fluid to ease my concerns. Once I got comfy and she was ready, it was confirmed that we are most definitely having a little boy. It eases my concerns because I'm in the process of donating what's left of our angel baby's stuff to our church. I wanted to be sure I wouldn't need these items in the very near future. 

The second concern seemed to pan out well too. She did the measurements of the fluid and said that it was most definitely not low. Therefore, I was not leaking any fluids. After she checked these, she did the normal measurements of Jaxson's arms, legs, belly, and head. We watched him practice breath for a little bit. He wiggled around and put on a show for us. I totally enjoyed the show. 

Here are a few pictures we got from this past visit:

Hanging out and relaxing during the check.

We must have been boring. 

He stuck his tongue out at us.

He decided it was nap time.

After we got the prints from the scan, we went back out to the waiting room to wait on the doctor. I was in my glory. Up to this point within my pregnancy, I have been very blessed to have a healthy baby who's growing on track and no complications. While waiting I did what most expectant mom's do...I stared at my son's pictures with a goofy smile on my face while falling even more in love with him. 

I was called back shortly after getting comfy. This part of the appointment add a bit more reassurance for me but the ultrasounds take any anxiety away. Well, for that moment. I had my weight checked and blood pressure checked. Those were right on track. Then, the doctor came in. 

My entire world changed once again. The ease and peace of mind slowly went out the window as the doctor continued to talk. The more words she said, the closer to tears I went. I had been diagnosed with a rare condition that affects every 1 out of 100 women. That's a 1% chance of developing it. She said I have Polyhydramnios. After this, I sort of zoned out with panic and heard bits and pieces. I knew she was sending me to the lab for blood work. Then, I heard her say higher risk of another stillbirth. That was it.... I completely checked out. I no longer wanted to be there. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. 

Polyhydramnios basically means there is too much amniotic fluid in there with my baby. They went from seeing me every two weeks to twice a week. I'm on bed rest and not allowed to do anything that can cause contractions. We are praying for him to stay put until at least 37 weeks. I'm at risk for preterm labor. If the amniotic fluid goes up they are going to have to do an amniocentesis test. If the fluid goes to low they are going to have to do an emergency c section. 

After my appointment and we were on our way to the lab, I reached out to others for support and prayers. I was in shock. My rainbow baby wasn't in the total clear. Something was wrong and I couldn't fix it. I was scared and still am. I called my close family members and explained what was going on. After the lab got the blood drawn, I headed to the best place I could have been..... church. I needed the support of the Lord and my church family. 

At prayer meeting, the ladies prayed that the situation be fixed and no more complications come about. At the end of the meeting, my hope and faith had been restored. I felt calm and at ease once again. Deep down inside I still have the worry but I'm only human. In my heart, I know Jesus has this! 

So, there's the update. I go back into the doctors tomorrow morning to meet with the high risk doctor and to check in on Jaxson's vitals with a Non Stress Test. Please pray that this goes well and baby Jaxson is doing the best he can. 

Thanks everyone for your support! I truly appreciate it. Sincerely, 

I Am Strong

I am STRONG because at 19 years old, I gave birth to my first daughter, Emma. She cried but one time and stared into my eyes while I held her. 

I am STRONG because I gave up college for that moment in time for the life I was meant to have.

I am STRONG because at 23 years of, my daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder and Pica.

I am STRONG because at 25 years old, I became pregnant with my second daughter, Dakota. She was born May 27, 2013 and didn't make a sound. 

 

I am STRONG because on June 1, 2013, I buried my child, and I had never thought I would bury a child, but that my child would bury me.

I am STRONG because we didn't get to bring Dakota home. At 40 weeks 5 days, my daughter's heart stopped beating for an unknown reason.  

I am STRONG because I turned to God in my painful time and managed to continue with my life.

I am STRONG because even after our loss, we managed to try to conceive again.

I am STRONG because I have faith in God and he blessed us with our Rainbow baby.

I am STRONG because although you see me parent with 1 child and expecting another, I’m actually a mother of 3.

I am STRONG because pregnancy after a loss is tough and I AM making it!

I am STRONG because I am a SURVIVOR!!!

My Love Letter to a Christian Mom Who's Pregnant Again After Loss

Dear Mom who's Expecting Their Miracle, 

 I am writing to you as I sit here at my computer pregnant with my rainbow baby. Although I only started this journey 11 weeks and 2 days ago, I wanted to pass along some words to you. I hope you find this letter both comforting and hopeful. I am hopeful that my letter to you will be encouraging during this emotional time for you. Trust me...it's extremely emotional.

First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RAINBOW!!

I know that in the months to come you will be going through a variety of emotions. You will feel as if you're being tossed and turned because of the many emotions that will take place within you. This could range from joy, sadness, hope, and fear. The emotional storm will toss you around like crazy. But... don't let this discourage you because I think you are STRONG and BRAVE! 

You are strong because you are a survivor. You are brave because above all else, you are pushing away what has been stolen from you.

It doesn't matter what type of loss you've experienced- miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death- the happiness you once felt during pregnancy has been taken and replaced with an overload of fear. Don't let this get you down. 

I do understand that the only thing you want is a healthy, screaming baby at the end of this pregnancy. Angel parents know there isn't a safe zone for our little ones. So, my advice to you is this. When talking about the future for your rainbow, you may find yourself using words such as "if" or "when" and this is normal. 

Don't let the enemy try to steal your happiness by telling you that it's wrong to be happy or excited. Don't let the enemy tell you that by having another baby, you're trying to replace your angel or you're going to forget your angel. This is NOT true. You have been given the blessing of life. Your miracle. Be VERY happy. This is what your angel would want you to do. Your sweet little angel knows just how much you love him/her. 

Now, as you find your way down this road of pregnancy, here are some of the things that I am doing to cope with the emotional aspect of it. First, live in each day and try not to worry. I know this is hard because I even find myself doing it at times. But then I think... "WOW, look at me. I've made it to my 11th week of pregnancy and next week I'll be able to see the baby." 

Each month that passes. Each week that passes. Each day that passes, Praise God for your blessing. Because you're making it! I can't promise you that you'll bring baby home or that your rainbow will be perfectly healthy. I can't promise you that your never going to experience a loss again. But what I can promise you is that God WILL be with you every step of the way. He will not allow you to walk this journey alone. Your fears... give them to HIM. Your anxieties... give them to HIM. He will take the burden of those while you enjoy your pregnancy. 

During your pregnancy try to put out milestones to reach. As an example, I have a small celebration every day where I am still pregnant and everything is well. I celebrate at the end of each week. I keep a journal and notes to my angel to document my feelings so I'm not bottling them inside. Start a blog like I did. It helps. 

Either way please know.... YOU'RE NOT ALONE!  Our Lord will be with you every step of the way and so will the many other angel parents who have/are walking this journey.

With Love,

RaeBeth

General Update

Things have been rather busy for me since the beginning of the new year. So many blessings have hit my family since the start of 2014. 

To start off with- January 1st, my husband found out he earned a raise. This is an answered prayer. He has been working so hard to provide for my family while I pursue my career as a self published author.

The weekend of Jan. 3rd to Jan. 5th- I was able to make it to stay the weekend with my Mom and attend church. I love when I am able to spend time with her and enjoy the company of the wonderful people within her church. 

On Jan 5th, I attended my cousin's baby shower. This I was worried about since it was the first one that I managed to go to since the loss of my daughter. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I noticed that on my way to the shower, my spirit was up and I was actually HAPPY! I did great at the shower and kept this mood up. I could honestly say that I was super excited for the Mom to Be and Daddy to Be. 

This great mood continued on during the following week.

On Jan. 9th, I woke up to a belated Christmas present- a new Keurig machine. Hubby was off of work at 4 AM and decided to pick it up. He had it sitting on the table covered with a blanket when I came down that morning. Tell me about waking up in a GREAT mood! This set the mood for the rest of the day. The day was filled with blessings as it ventured into night. I actually went to bed.... for the first time in seven months with a smile on my face!

Here we are on January 13th and my mood still goes on. I did feel myself getting a little depressed last night as I allowed my mind time to dwell on the past. Once I noticed it, I immediately put on the breaks. I wasn't going to allow the heartbreak back in. I love my little girl. I miss her everyday, but I don't believe she would want me to be unhappy all the time. 

I have been keeping up with my resolutions as much as I can. Most people don't get this far into the year without breaking at least one. I'll admit... I have veered off but as soon as I noticed this, I pushed myself back on track.

After all of the blessings I have received this far, I must say that I am very thankful that the Lord has given me beautiful moments with my family and something else I can smile for.

Closing Out 2013... Faith Based Resolutions....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

What a year this has been!! 2013 was one full emotional roller coaster and I am so happy to kiss it goodbye. For the past few weeks, my emotions have been controlling my actions and thoughts. I've been so bitter, angry, and depressed. 

This really isn't who I am. I haven't been able to write or read, which I LOVE to do. I've tried everything to change my mood, but it just doesn't seem to work. I've tired to busy myself in cleaning, but that doesn't work either. I'm at the point where I really don't care what the house looks like. Right now, it's a total mess. Toys from Christmas are cluttering the living room floor, there's a basket of laundry that needs put away, a load of laundry that needs folded, and odds-n-ends laying about. I hate it, but I don't have the drive to fix this.

I honestly feel like I'm failing God by allowing this to happen. I want nothing more than to follow Jesus the best I can, but I feel that it's not good enough. I'm so lost.

I've tried to open up to those around me, but I don't think they can understand. 

I feel like I have strayed from God. As an example, I let anger get the best of me and I flipped out on two people who were only trying to help me. 

"OH LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! MY HEART IS BROKEN AND I'VE ALLOWED MY EMOTIONS TO CONTROL MY ACTIONS."

I believe a good bit has to do with last month not being successful with getting pregnant. I know that if another baby is in my future, I'll be blessed when the time is right, but it's so hard to have hope sometimes.

I've always been they type of person who has hope in the future when I know of what it is & when it will happen.

One thing I plan on doing is following my resolutions I've made for the New Year to the best of my ability. This way I have something to work on and look forward to. I'm sure the list (located to the left) will grow, but this is a start. I've never actually followed my lists, but I really want to try. Perhaps, if I focus on other's and be a blessing to someone else...then the pain I live in daily won't hurt so much. 

I think God has a lesson for me to learn before He blesses me with my Rainbow Baby! I think he may want me to learn how to have Faith when I don't know the future or what lies ahead. I've heard myself say so many times... "How can I have hope in something when I have no idea if it will happen?"

This is the thing... THAT'S NOT FAITH!!!

Faith isn't hoping God will. It's knowing he will!

I need to learn this and truly believe it. So, that's another goal. WORK ON MY FAITH! I will push all negative away. I will not accept the bitterness, anger, hurt, or pain anymore. I will control it. Not the other way around. I'm tired of being a hostage to myself. 

In closing, I pray for a joyous and happy filled new year for myself and for the person who is reading this. 

What is on your resolution list?

Not High Risk.... Are you crazy?!?!?

Pre-Pregnancy Photo

The outcome of the Pre-Pregnancy appointment didn't pan out the way I had hoped. First off, the doctor didn't do any tests or any type of exams. So, I don't see how he could tell me if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

But, he did say to go ahead and begin trying. We went over a future pregnancy plan that included me NOT being High Risk. O.o This doesn't make sense to me. I went full term with Dakota when she was stillborn. She gained her wings only hours before I delivered her. To me, I should be high risk.

He wants me to begin taking my prenatal vitamins. Which I already expected this. That's cool with me. Other than that, he didn't say much more.

When I do get pregnant, I won't be seeing him because he's having some health issues that require his attention. Therefore, he won't be practicing. So, in the meantime I am going to get a second opinion.

I'll still physically prepare for a pregnancy now. But I want a doctor who is going to be serious and believe me when I say I need something. I want the doctor to have the willpower to ensure that we do everything physically possible to bring our Rainbow Baby into the world...ALIVE!!!

I've talked to other angel parents and have been told that each pregnancy after their angel was considered high risk. So, I wont settle with a doctor who doesn't think my situation is serious. I want as many ultrasounds as possible throughout the future pregnancy. Especially as my due date closes in. I also don't want to come even close to being overdue. Dakota was a week over due. Therefore, I'd like the doctor to possibly induce me around 38-39 weeks providing the baby is healthy enough to be delivered then.

Angel Mommies... what was your Rainbow pregnancy like? Did the doctors do anything extra within that pregnancy compared to before your angel gained his/her wings? I need any and all advice I can get on this one.

One Step Closer....

As I am writing this post, I have a tear rolling down my cheek. I am hurting. I had no choice but to do something I wasn't truly ready for. I did it for my oldest daughter, who needed it done. She was going to share her room with our precious Dakota, therefore the nursery side of the bedroom was still together. It looked the same way it did when my husband and I put it together.

Emma came to me and said.. "Mommy, you know all the baby stuff in my room? Could you do something with it? It hurts to see it while falling asleep and that's why I don't play in there anymore. It reminds me that Sissy is in heaven and not here."

This broke my heart. "Of course" I told her with the best smile I could muster. I gathered my cleaning stuff and extra garbage bags. Then, headed upstairs. I cried the entire time. Each shirt I put into a bag, each bib, every blanket.... a tear fell for each.

As of today, the nursery doesn't exist. It's gone. My daughter has her space back. Everything but the crib is going into storage until we need it again.

The "Nursery" Side.... GONE!!!

I just want to scream! I am in so much pain. I never imagined when I put the crib bedding in... that a baby wouldn't sleep on it... Dakota wouldn't use it! 

Lord, I pray... take away this unbearable pain. - Amen!

Pre-Conception Appointment is Scheduled

Well, even though the decision was tough, I finally mustered the guts to call the doctor. My husband and I are ready for our rainbow baby. We have been eagerly waiting for this time of the year. The last meeting I had with my doctor, he said that we would check in after summer and at the beginning of fall to see if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

As of yesterday, I called and made the appointment. To my surprise, they scheduled it for October 31, 2013. When I heard the woman say this date, my breath caught in my throat. This was the same day I found out I was pregnant with Dakota, only it was last year.

After a while of thinking, I realized that it's not the same. I won't be going in to confirm a pregnancy. I'll be going in to see if I can get pregnant and see if my body is ready for it.  I'm really nervouse about the appointment. I'm worried that my doctor will tell us we have to wait even longer.

I just want my rainbow baby. My heart aches when I hear of someone else being pregnant or hearing that someone just had a baby. So far, the youngest baby I can be around is about 9-12 months old. If I come in contact with a baby younger, I can't talk, touch, or even look at the little one. It hurts too bad. Once I'm out of view of people, I break and cry. It's a rough journey, and I can't wait for the day happiness returns for me.

The Waiting Game.... All Most Over

So, as September slowly goes by... I keep counting down the days until October first. My doctor told me to wait three cycles before trying to get pregnant again. He instructed me to have a "pre-conception" appointment with a doctor before we begin trying. I plan on making the appointment at the end of this month.

I'm really nervous about it. I'm afraid of going in and the doctor telling us that something's not right and we have to wait longer. I've only been able to get through the last three months because of this hope. I NEED a baby.

Everything I do is baby oriented. I'm even dreaming of being pregnant again, I want it so bad. Has any other angel Mommy out there been through this? What all did you do before you had the "go ahead" and began trying?

New Years Resolutions....

Normally I don't set any goals for myself because I really suck at meeting them. Well, this year is different. In the 2011 year, I've learned so much (especially from Blogging) and one of those things is how to meet goals. So, I've made a list of those goals that I want to meet within the New Year. Each time I meet one, I'll come back to this post and mark it off.

Well, here's my List:

1. Get Married
2. Get my Dentures
3. Obtain a driver's license (yes I'm 24 and still don't drive... crazy right?)
4. Finish the Silenced Books (Lots of work here)
5. Expand my blog and obtain my own domain address
6. Quit Smoking (This starts very soon)
7. Organize much needed spots within the home
8. Get back into shape (loose weight)