My Diet

So in the last post, I explained the reasons why on losing weight. Now, I'd like to clue you in on HOW I've managed to lose 8 pounds (not a lot, I know) since starting this journey. When I first started, I was basically clueless about where to start since I've never wanted to actually lose weight. So, I did a lot of research and learned so much about myself. 

First, did you know there are different body types out there? 

Yeah, there is. Like three different ones. Well, come to find out...I'm considered an endomorph. This means I tend to gain weight and have a rough time losing it. I am a pear shape with a thick ribcage, wide hips, and shorter limbs. After reading this, I wondered how exactly that played into me losing weight. Well, this means my metabolism is much slower than the other two body types. 

What about the diet though? Let me explain...

In order to lose weight, I needed to adjust my macronutrients. Macronutrients are the three central groups of foods that provide your body with the strength it needs to operate: protein, carbohydrates, and fats. After figuring it out...my macro looks like this:

1586 Calories

Carbs: 122g   30%

Protein: 175g    44%

Fat: 44g     25%

You can check all of this out by taking this test--> Click here.

Once I had that figured out... I went on to search for the best type of diet for me based on the foods I love. Let me remind you.. by this point I've stopped drinking soda, eating a bunch of sugary foods, and upped my intake of water. One thing I didn't learn until it was too late was that I shouldn't have abruptly changed the intake of carbs. I should have gradually reduced them for the best outcome for my body. (I'll explain more about this in a bit.)

So a typical day looks like this for me.....

I wake up and drink 8 oz of water to kickstart my metabolism and I eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking up. Once I sit with my breakfast, I have my cup of coffee. I eat either an omelet for breakfast or I have an Atkins shake with a yogurt.

My mid-morning snack is either carrots dipped in ranch dressing, celery and peanut butter, or a banana and an apple. Depends on what I'm in the mood for.

Lunchtime I have either pepperoni, ham, turkey, and cheese (without bread) or tuna on wheat crackers. (This part of the day I struggle with.)

Afternoon snack... I choose one item that I didn't have yet that day from the snack list above.

Dinner... I eat a Healthy Choice meal or what is on the menu for dinner that's rather healthy. (Chicken, pork chops, hamburger, etc)

Night snack rolls around and I try to keep this one light. So, I will eat ONE banana or a very small serving of milk. OR I'll eat a 4 oz sherbert/ice cream. (Halo Top ice cream. Check it out. It's tasty.)

But there ya have it. If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments below. In the next post, I'll be talking about my workout routine.

Eviction for literally... NOTHING

So now that all is said and done... I'll be telling all of what happened. However, I'm not writing this to put down those who had put my family in this position, I'm writing my testimony and how God worked in my life.

Here we go...

I lived in a small two bedroom apartment above my landlord's garage for about two years. Things kicked off awesome and I thought I found two new friends. Over time, one of the two changed. She became cocky and uncaring. Her children were allowed to openly disrespect me, my husband, and my kids. After much thought, my husband and I decided it was time to move, but we wanted a place where we could call home and NEVER have to worry about moving. We wanted to buy our first home. This sadly did not happen. 

After an argument one night in the kitchen with the landlord over the disrespect from her daughter's, we received a typed letter (not notarized or signed by a judge) that told us we had 30 days to move. Anxiety kicked in because this wasn't how I wanted things to end. I even went to the extent of sending apology texts to both landlords and begged for them to give us another chance. That did not work. They were sticking to the eviction. 

House hunting started immediately. That's where I felt I lived in my own prison. I was afraid to live, breathe, or even be in that apartment. Mutual respect went out the window and bitterness set in. I lived in my own wallow of pity. I constantly cried as I pack, yet another box. By this point, packing up had become my specialty since I've moved so many times in my life. I seriously wanted this place to be the last in which we rented. My attitude suffered. My emotions had the best of me and it affected my appetite. I ended up losing ten pounds during this hard time. The once always opened blinds during the day, now remained closed. I didn't want to look at the people who so heartlessly kicked my children out over an argument. No, I wasn't late on the rent. The place wasn't trashed and my bills were paid. There wasn't a legal reason for the eviction.

Apartment after house. We looked, called, and inquired. However, it was super hard to find a place close enough to my daughter's homeschool group since they are highly sought areas. Weeks were ticking by and boxes filled the place I once called home. My (at the time) three-year-old son didn't understand what was going on, which made things rough because he's unique. He has a sensory disorder and doesn't do well with quick changes. My daughter stressed that she'd have to leave the only school she fell in love with. However, I was determined to not allow that to happen. 

As I was sitting in my recliner, it dawned on me... perhaps God was needing me to do something to open the next door for us and welcome us to our next blessing. So, I got a hold of my attitude, forgave those who hurt us, and prayed. Boy... did I pray. Every second of every day. I came to call this place of my life... the "in between" stage. You know... it's that time in life where things that once was became things of the past, but the things of the future haven't quite made it to the present yet. In this stage, I prayed and held on to my faith. I knew God had something great in store for us. I just had to be still and allow Him to work.

Then one evening, my son's ex-therapist notified me of a potential home that was available. We immediately called the landlord and set up a time to see the place. This place was perfect. Set close to my daughter's school. Not in a crowded town. Off road parking with a carport. Fenced in... side yard that is safe for my son to run and play. I loved the outer appearance. 

We stepped onto the nice sized porch and into the home. Directly into the very spacious living room. It seriously was the size of two of the living room that I had in the apartment. Lamanite hardwood floors. Beautiful large windows. Perfect. Then we saw the spacious bedrooms, which were much bigger and I could even put my queen bed in the middle of the wall and still have room to walk around. In my old apartment, our bed could only be against one wall and there was a window directly above our bed, which I don't like. We walked down the hallway that went to the other side of the house when I noticed BUILT IN bookshelves!! They are gorgeous. I took this as a sign from God because He knows my passion for writing and my love of books. We stepped into the kitchen area which took my breath. It was so much bigger and I was humbled to think that we could live here. 

Once we did some talking afterward, we headed back to the old place with our hope restored. I excitedly packed boxes. There was a process we had to go through before the landlord could give us an answer, but I continued to pray.  

The application came. We filled it out and emailed it back. The landlord told us that she'd have to check my references and she'd let us know. I didn't have a worry about this because I knew God had my back and He was going to take care of us. 

Almost a week passed before we found out that we got the house!!! 

I happily carried out my boxes to the moving truck a few weeks later. Gave the apartment a good cleaning and I handed over the keys to the old landlord. The landlord checked the apartment and told us we'd have our deposit the following week. Climbing into our beat down CRV, I was elated! I could finally get away from that prison and LIVE!! So many people volunteered that day to help us move and they did so... carefully. You see, in the past, I've had so many things damaged from moving, but this one... I only lost a glass and for that I am grateful.

Now, I was unpacking with my mother's help and setting up. My daughter's sleeping issues disappeared and she enjoyed having her room again. (I'll explain this later.) My son had so much room to run, and that's exactly what he did. By late evening, everyone had left and we were officially home. Hubby had already set up all utilities and the internet so I could immediately get back to writing. As he worked on putting beds together, the kids and I helped get the cat comfortable. However, as soon as we opened his carrier, he was home and he knew it. 

Life settled in and things were coming along. We received a letter in the mail and thought it had been our deposit from the old apartment. It was and no it wasn't. You see... the landlord decided that it was her right to keep part of it because the VA helped us and paid the deposit when we first moved in. However, it was clearly stated that it was to be returned to us. Next, she explained that since our rent was due on the 1st (per our lease) that the 15 days in April were unpaid for. However, I had a receipt that proved the rent was paid and it was dated the 15th, which was when we verbally agreed on.  Then, to make matter's worse, I noticed that we were going to need to take her to court in order for this wrong to be corrected.

We gathered all paperwork and proof. 1. All paid bills. 2. Rent receipt. 3. Eviction notice. 

While we waited for the court date to approach, the Lord had a few more blessings in mind. We were planning our very first trip to the beach, which had been in the works since before we were evicted and A NEW CAR!!! My husband and I desperately needed a new vehicle, as ours was always breaking down. One evening, the horn on the CRV decided to go off on its own and that was the breaking point. God made it possible for my husband to bring home and pay for a newer Honda Civic. 

See in the midst of our storm, I wanted to give up but didn't. I threw all that had me worried and ready to break to Jesus and allowed Him to carry the burden. He worked it out for the best of my family and I totally give Him all the credit for everything we have now. I am grateful and very appreciative for everything and I couldn't thank Him enough.

****

If you are going through a trying time, please do not give up. Hold on. Pray and ask God for help. Then give it to him. We can't ask him to help if we're still standing in the way with worry and anxiety. Give it fully to him and if you feel worried again, pray. NEVER STOP PRAYING!!! Prayer works. God hears you and He loves you!!

Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.

I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

Your Own Worst Enemy

Life has many ups and downs, along with twists and turns. We often
face situations that push us and try us to the point of exhaustion.

A few nights ago, I was woken up by my ten-year-old daughter who has been
having a hard time staying asleep at night. Once I gave her something to cuddle,
a drink, and another hug/kiss, I went back to my room and laid down. While I was
laying there, I quietly listened to my husband's heaving breathing, which was followed
by our son's heavy breathing. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep since I had been woken up
several times throughout the night by both kids. I decided to lay there and ponder with my thoughts. I seriously hate when this happens because then I happen to think of all the hurtful conversations, hurtful events, and the ongoing hurt from them. I think of ways
I should have responded or I think of the things I should have said. There have even
been times where the anger flared back up and sleep was pointless. My brain likes to push
the repeat button on these memories, which lead to my heart racing and me fighting not to wake up
my husband to talk. Yes, most of these memories are of unsettling events between us within the previous twelve years. 

This endless cycle made me realize something. The only reason why this spiritual battle keeps

occurring is because I have a hard time with letting go. I have a hard time just letting things lay to rest when these issues haven't been sorted through; they had been hushed and swept under the rug. I'm the type of person who needs to talk through my feelings on anything that I feel is wrong. If not, I pay for it because my mind goes through an endless amount of torture for me. Yes, my mind causes me pain. I allowed this to happen for so long.

Anway, there I was at four in the morning, laying in bed while fighting back tears while my heart

raced and my anxiety heightened. All the wronged that I had endured flooded through my veins, making my temper rise. The spiritual battle in full force.

That's how the enemy works. He will wait until he can catch you off guard so he can haunt you with all those unsettled situations that still bother your soul. Most of these nights, I cried in silence to be sure I didn't wake my family. The lies flooded my mind making me believe that I was destined to never feel true happiness because I always had these unsettled issues to be worked. 

On this particular night, I decided to head out of the bedroom. I joined my overly fluffy white cat, who was sprawled out on the sofa. By this point, the thoughts of my mind had me in a nauseating point of hurt because of all the unfinished business; the conversations that hadn't been. There I sat, thinking, hurting. Deep inside, my spirit wanted freedom and healing. However, my heart and mind wouldn't allow that because they continued to listen to Satan's lies. 

That's when I silently cried out to the Lord while looking out the window behind my couch. As I stared at the silence outside, I asked the Lord for help. I wanted to be free from the hurt, lies, deception, and pain. I asked the Lord to take control, I didn't want the job of me anymore. 

Once I did this, I learned a bit about what was happening. As I threw myself into this cycle, I never gave God the option of stepping in and fighting this for me. I was blocking myself from my own blessing. I've learned that in order for God to gain control, we have to be willing to lay it down and walk away so He can pick it up.  How can the Lord take over when we continually laid it down for a little bit and then pick it back up? If the issues are being held by us, we aren't giving God the room He needs. We need to put it down completely, turn, and walk away. No going back.

****

Are you willing to give your situation to God and allow Him to work it out through His power and authority?

3rd Birthday in Heaven

Happy 3rd Birthday, Dakota.

I cannot believe that it's been three years since I saw her precious face for the first and last time. It's been three years since I held her perfect body. It's been three years since I felt her soft skin. It's been three years since I kissed her perfect little head. 

Oh God, do I miss her!!!

I know that we will be together again soon, my daughter.

I pray that you're enjoying the beautiful melody of God's choir and the heavenly hugs mixed with kisses. 

Fly high, Baby Girl

Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and Baby boy will be with you soon.

We love you very much!

Love,

Mom

Favorite Verses of the Bible

Today, I'm going to share with you the verses within the Bible that spoke to me and that I live by on a daily basis. Each verse has a special meaning for me. God wants us to study His word, learn it, and live by it. I hope this inspires you to create a verse list for yourself and push you to live by each one daily. 

- 1 Peter 4: 8 "Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins." 

This verse tells me that regardless of a person's lifestyle, beliefs, or sins, we are to love them.

****

- 1 Peter 5: 7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

I have a major problem with allowing my anxiety to control my life. This is one of the most difficult verses for me to give into because I have way too much self-control. Through prayer and with God's help, I will overcome this anxiety, and be free by casting away the anxiety from me and giving it to God.

****

- Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." 

This verse speaks to me on so many levels and makes me emotional. God is so good. He is so good where he extended His grace to me and I am saved. He gave His life for me, a sinner. I am a sinner saved by Grace and it means so much to me.

****

- Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Without this verse, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the death of my unborn daughter. I remember this verse showing up everywhere the weekend before I lost her. That Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, the Lord showed me repeatedly that I needed Him to endure what was to come. He was the first one I turned to when my heart shattered. No one but He fixed my broken heart.

What are some of your favorite Bible verses? Why?

The Day I Invited Jesus into my Life

Life always seems to get away from me. There always seems like there is something to worry over or something that needs to be done. I tend to be an over-worrier. I found myself worried about things that were completely out of control. I wanted and needed control of my life, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it. It seemed that when one thing fell into place, another fell out of place. It was a never ending cycle.

I have always known Christ, but in my teen years, I fell away from Him. My life, friends, and life became my first and main priority. I grew up going to a Methodist Church in Smithfield, PA where we sang songs of worship and the Pastor told his message. However, hanging out with my friends and having fun was my biggest goal. I spent a lot of time goofing off in a friends truck, hanging out in the woods, and just being. At this time in my life, I rarely thought about Jesus. I hardly prayed. I lived by the name of a Christian, however, this was NOT my lifestyle.

Now, as an adult... I can't get enough of Jesus. I want more of Him. I jump out of bed Sunday morning, rush around getting ready, and joyfully head to church. After the untimely death of my dear daughter, I had a gentle shove into Christ. He held me as I cried. He promised that all would be all right and that He was near. He promised to always hold my hand tight and walk me through any of the trials I had to face. This was when I found my TRUE best friend. 

Since I have allowed Jesus into my life, amazing things have happened. My broken heart was healed. I stopped worrying so much. In fact, I hardly worry at all. My anxiety has slowed down and only shows in my weakest moments, but Jesus fixes it for me really quick. My faith has grown and I have an amazing relationship. I found my best friend who has fulfilled the deepest desires of my heart!

Have you met this man I'm speaking of? If so, how has He impacted you? Share a testimony below. 

Simple Question; Unsure Answers

It's a question we all hear. It's asked in the morning before church. Some ask this question when talking on the phone. It's more like a greeting than an actual question. But I come to wonder, what do people really mean when they ask... "How are you?"

I come to you with this post because many times during church events this weekend, I've been asked this question. In America, some would say that it's a simple way to say "Hello." 

When someone asks me "How are you?", I have an internal battle. Do I answer with a simple, "I'm good?" Or do they really want to know how I'm doing?

If we were talking about asking the actual question to see how a person is holding up, I'd have a lot to say. I'd say that I'm about to have a breakdown. Bills are stacking up. There isn't enough money to take care of simple things like our water bill, gas, or electric bills. We're at risk of losing everything we have. Food is scarce and I had to send my daughter to her grandmothers for the week because of the lack of food. I'd tell them that I'm sitting here, on my birthday, stomach growling and one option.... pasta. I could boil it up and add some butter for my meal. That's what I'm looking at for my food during the day....well at least until dinner. 

I would say that emotionally I'm a wreck. My anxiety is through the roof and no matter what I do to ease it, it's still there. There's always something to put me at the edge of being okay and having a full blown panic attack.

I would tell them that I feel helpless. I watch my husband work every day, bust his hind end for the pennies he makes, and then on payday.... stress about which bill is the most important to pay and which bill he has enough for. I feel helpless because getting a job myself doesn't look good without a drivers license, car, and babysitter. Some say.... "Oh, you should put them in daycare." Once again... it's expensive and something we don't have the money for. 

Most of the time, I when asked, "How are you?".... I just smile and say, "I'm good." But in all honesty, do people really ask this to see where you're at in life, how you feel, and what not? 

When I ask, I'm REALLY asking the question. I ask it to those whom I care about to show them my interest within their own lives. I ask this so I can see if there's anything they need prayer for. 

So... I'm asking you.... what do you mean when you ask, "How are you?"

Pregnancy Update- Not so Great: Week 33

On Monday July 28th I went into the doctor for my bi-weekly check up. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and then had an appointment directly after with my high risk doctor. When going in I was super stressed because I thought something was off. During the week leading up to the appointment, I was sure I was very slowly leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't run into the doctor right away because some of the things that was going on didn't match to the symptoms of leaking the fluid. 

As soon as the ultrasound tech took us back, I asked her to double check two things. The first is the sex of the baby due to the fact that I've been having dreams that we were actually having a girl. The second was the amniotic fluid to ease my concerns. Once I got comfy and she was ready, it was confirmed that we are most definitely having a little boy. It eases my concerns because I'm in the process of donating what's left of our angel baby's stuff to our church. I wanted to be sure I wouldn't need these items in the very near future. 

The second concern seemed to pan out well too. She did the measurements of the fluid and said that it was most definitely not low. Therefore, I was not leaking any fluids. After she checked these, she did the normal measurements of Jaxson's arms, legs, belly, and head. We watched him practice breath for a little bit. He wiggled around and put on a show for us. I totally enjoyed the show. 

Here are a few pictures we got from this past visit:

Hanging out and relaxing during the check.

We must have been boring. 

He stuck his tongue out at us.

He decided it was nap time.

After we got the prints from the scan, we went back out to the waiting room to wait on the doctor. I was in my glory. Up to this point within my pregnancy, I have been very blessed to have a healthy baby who's growing on track and no complications. While waiting I did what most expectant mom's do...I stared at my son's pictures with a goofy smile on my face while falling even more in love with him. 

I was called back shortly after getting comfy. This part of the appointment add a bit more reassurance for me but the ultrasounds take any anxiety away. Well, for that moment. I had my weight checked and blood pressure checked. Those were right on track. Then, the doctor came in. 

My entire world changed once again. The ease and peace of mind slowly went out the window as the doctor continued to talk. The more words she said, the closer to tears I went. I had been diagnosed with a rare condition that affects every 1 out of 100 women. That's a 1% chance of developing it. She said I have Polyhydramnios. After this, I sort of zoned out with panic and heard bits and pieces. I knew she was sending me to the lab for blood work. Then, I heard her say higher risk of another stillbirth. That was it.... I completely checked out. I no longer wanted to be there. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. 

Polyhydramnios basically means there is too much amniotic fluid in there with my baby. They went from seeing me every two weeks to twice a week. I'm on bed rest and not allowed to do anything that can cause contractions. We are praying for him to stay put until at least 37 weeks. I'm at risk for preterm labor. If the amniotic fluid goes up they are going to have to do an amniocentesis test. If the fluid goes to low they are going to have to do an emergency c section. 

After my appointment and we were on our way to the lab, I reached out to others for support and prayers. I was in shock. My rainbow baby wasn't in the total clear. Something was wrong and I couldn't fix it. I was scared and still am. I called my close family members and explained what was going on. After the lab got the blood drawn, I headed to the best place I could have been..... church. I needed the support of the Lord and my church family. 

At prayer meeting, the ladies prayed that the situation be fixed and no more complications come about. At the end of the meeting, my hope and faith had been restored. I felt calm and at ease once again. Deep down inside I still have the worry but I'm only human. In my heart, I know Jesus has this! 

So, there's the update. I go back into the doctors tomorrow morning to meet with the high risk doctor and to check in on Jaxson's vitals with a Non Stress Test. Please pray that this goes well and baby Jaxson is doing the best he can. 

Thanks everyone for your support! I truly appreciate it. Sincerely, 

A Trip to See Santa

One of the things Emma has been asking for was to see Santa. She had a full list of toys she needed to tell him that she wanted. I had an idea for our Christmas pictures this year. It's hard to think of having to go a day without our dear Dakota, but we included her within our pictures as well.

The line at the mall to see Santa was crazy. As soon as we got into the mall, Emma and I jumped into line, while Greg went to check something out at one of the stores right by us. I was watching everyone around me and saw how innocent they all were. Each one of them were blessed with their children and laughed with them.

As I was watching the kids going up to Santa, I saw a mother with a huge smile place her beautifully dressed newborn upon his lap. This is when I broke. I wasn't prepared to see any little ones because it instantly reminded me of not having Dakota.

I broke into tears not caring who saw me. As I tried to look away, I noticed people staring and kids asking what was wrong. Emma decided to fill them in and then the looks of confusion turned into looks of compassion and sympathy. Greg returned and helped me gather myself back up.

A young couple standing behind us with their baby boy in his car seat and their little girl began talking with us. I couldn't help but to look at their son. Then, I asked how old he was without even thinking. They told me he was born in June and he was six months old. He's only a month younger than Dakota.

I mentioned this and they looked confused. Greg told them our daughter was stillborn. I was blown away by the fact that neither of them knew what that meant. So, Greg said she was born forever sleeping. Once again... they were confused. So, Greg had no other way to explain it except to say that our darling daughter had passed before birth.

That is when they got it and understood why a grown woman was standing in line holding a pure white teddy bear. The teddy bear stood in for Dakota. Once we were up to Santa, he tried to get Emma to leave the bear out of the photo. With as much willpower as I had, I told him No the teddy bear stays. That's when Greg jumped in and told them why we needed that bear in the photo.

Instantly, those standing around us came to help me because I burst into tears again. One mother helped position the teddy bear just right on Santa's lap. While the photographer cried with me. It was a bittersweet moment because just then, I realized that they cared. They didn't know me but showed their support in this heartbreaking time for me.

I will forever be grateful to the mother who stood in front of us and to the photographer for showing me it's okay to cry!!!

Update for Month One on TTC

If you haven't been following my story, I'll give you a small update. In May of this year, my husband, family, and I lost the newest member of our family... Dakota Emily. My doctor requested that I wait around six months before we tried again or at least three cycles. Well, the three cycles sounded better to me and I hopped at the chance to see my doctor just two weeks after cycle number three.

So, for the month of November, we began trying. I downloaded a menstrual cycle app so I could keep tabs on my ovulation. I began taking prenatal pills to ensure that I have all the nutrients needed to get pregnant. I have cut back on the "bad" things in my life that contribute to making one get pregnant hard. (Soda, sugars, etc.)

I have my hope and faith in the Lord, and I know that when the time is right, he will provide. I'm trying to look at the positive with this new waiting game that I'm going to become very accustomed to. It's a little scary for me because from the support groups I am part of, some woman are having a hard time getting those special lines on that very important test.

I'm praying to God that things aren't hard for us and we become pregnant quickly. My husband and I already have names picked out for our Rainbow baby. (For those who don't know, a rainbow baby is the baby after a loss.)

My husband and I began trying at the beginning of this month. I knew the odds of us getting pregnant were slim because I had already ovulated. Therefore, my monthly visitor came yesterday. But I'm not feeling down about it. I feel hope because I know there's next time. It could happen.

~Until then.... take care and please keep us in your prayers~

Our Journey Begins.... Again

Well, I am super nervous because today's the day I go back into the OB/GYN's office. This is the same office that I had previously gone to when I was pregnant with Dakota. I'll be seeing the same doctor today. I'm having mixed feelings about this. I know deep inside that Dakota's gaining of her wings was not the doctors fault. It wasn't any one's fault. Her journey and her story was written short. I may not like it and I don't have to like it. But that's how it is. I can't change it.

What I can change is how I feel with the upcoming appointment. I am scared that the doctor will tell me some dreadful news and we won't be able to try again. I NEED a baby. The reason we were able to get pregnant with Dakota, was because we wanted her. We wanted another baby. During the pregnancy with Dakota, I was ecstatic. There wasn't a thing in the world that would bring me down, except when my daughter gained her lovely angel wings.

Am I afraid to try again? HECK YES!!! Every fiber of my being shakes from nervousness and my heart races at the thought. I'm sure after everything that I have been through, that this is normal. Am I afraid it's going to happen again? A little bit, but I know Jesus has my back. He won't put anything on my shoulders that I can't do. Besides, he's with me with this walk.

I'll be back later to check in and update everyone on how my appointment went. Please say a quick prayer for me. I could use them. :)

Reality of an Angel Mom

I did this Vlog on September 18th (today) and wanted to share it with you all. Please take a moment to watch it, then head over to YouTube and give it a thumbs up and perhaps a comment.

Pre-Conception Appointment is Scheduled

Well, even though the decision was tough, I finally mustered the guts to call the doctor. My husband and I are ready for our rainbow baby. We have been eagerly waiting for this time of the year. The last meeting I had with my doctor, he said that we would check in after summer and at the beginning of fall to see if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

As of yesterday, I called and made the appointment. To my surprise, they scheduled it for October 31, 2013. When I heard the woman say this date, my breath caught in my throat. This was the same day I found out I was pregnant with Dakota, only it was last year.

After a while of thinking, I realized that it's not the same. I won't be going in to confirm a pregnancy. I'll be going in to see if I can get pregnant and see if my body is ready for it.  I'm really nervouse about the appointment. I'm worried that my doctor will tell us we have to wait even longer.

I just want my rainbow baby. My heart aches when I hear of someone else being pregnant or hearing that someone just had a baby. So far, the youngest baby I can be around is about 9-12 months old. If I come in contact with a baby younger, I can't talk, touch, or even look at the little one. It hurts too bad. Once I'm out of view of people, I break and cry. It's a rough journey, and I can't wait for the day happiness returns for me.

Sharing Our Angels

I am happy to announce that I have put up a website that focuses on Pregnancy and Infant Loss. My plan is to pack this site with useful information for those who have suffered a loss. I would love to see what everyone thinks of it.

There are several highlights to this website. I want to hear about your angels. Please take a moment to submit your story. Here is mine: http://sharingourangels.weebly.com/angel-stories.html  I'll add more stories once they are submitted.

I would love to honor your angels by adding them to the dedication page here: http://sharingourangels.weebly.com/angel-dedications.html

There will be lots of helpful pages for grieving parents and for friends/family of those who have suffered a loss.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope I see more submissions for the site soon. Have a wonderful day.

Letter to my Butterfly, Dakota

Hey Sweet Girl,

Well I finally did it. I started the website I was thinking of. I made it in memory of you. From this point on my goal will be to spread awareness about babies like you. I know I will run into some people that won't be so nice about it, but with Jesus, all things are possible. Therefore, I will reach my goal.

I'm doing all of this for you. I must admit... I am scared. It's crazy. For some reason, I'm afraid that I'll offend someone with your beautiful pictures, but I am so proud of you. I need to share you. I need to show people who you are. You're my angel, my butterfly, and the reason I have seen another side of this world that I never even thought about.... until now.

I am praying that my goals are reached and I succeed in what I'm trying to do. Dakota, my little butterfly... this is all for you.

I love you to the moon and back; forever & infinity.

Love Always
Mommy

Friends and Family: How Can We Help?

For Friends and Family 

 If someone you know has lost a child due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death... you probably have no idea what to do. Our society does not prepare us to deal with grief, our own or someone else's. 

These suggestions and strategies are aimed to help you understand what may be helpful to a grieving parent. As Christians, we have a responsibility to one another, and when one of us grieves, the rest need to act.

Please do not ignore or avoid us. We are grieving a terrible loss of our child and do not want to grieve your absence too.

If you do not know what to say or do, tell us. We really do not know what to say or do. But your presence and patience comfort us.

If we start crying, do not feel like it's your fault for talking to us. We cry a lot and you did not cause our tears. Stay with us while we cry. If we are in public and can't get hold of our tears, take us to a quiet where we can sit down and sit with us.

If you get uncomfortable, please do not leave us. Grief is uncomfortable for both sides.

If we ask you to help us in some way, please do it if you can. If you can't, please look for someone else who can. It is terribly difficult to ask for help, and if we actually do make a request, we really need it.

If we do not ask for help, ask us, "Can I help you with anything?" If we say no, ask again. If we say no again, don't believe us. Find a close friend who knows us well and inquire about ways to help. . .practical stuff, emotional support, or fun distraction like a trip to the coffee shop may be in order.

Daily responsibilities are nightmares for us right now, just another stress we can't handle. Show up at our house with a bag of groceries, a vacuum cleaner, tickets to take our children to the fair, or nothing at all. Just show up. While you visit, pop a load of laundry in the washer.

If you only have 30 free minutes, we don't mind. We will appreciate whatever company you can offer us.

Let us talk about our child and listen as we tell you stories/memories.

Do not say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it is. Tell us you are sorry for the death of our child.

If we get mad at you or say something hurtful, please forgive us. The last thing we want to do is hurt someone, especially someone who is willing to be with us. We are just hurting so much and it comes out in inappropriate ways sometimes.

Please accept that we will feel angry, sad, numb, crazy, and many other things. This will make you uncomfortable, but please don't avoid us. We are more uncomfortable than you can imagine right now.

Please send us a card when you learn of our loss. OR Send us flowers.

Remember our children (if we have any others living). When you visit, bring them a small toy, cool rock, or book you think they might like. And if we forget to express our gratitude for your kindness to our child(ren), it is not intentional rudeness. We are truly grateful for your gesture.

For Those Dealing With Miscarriages

If we have miscarried early in pregnancy (before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage, after 20 weeks the baby is considered stillborn), our response will likely fit into a range: we may be saddened at the loss of the pregnancy, but accept it as a part of having children, or we may grieve the loss as the death of our child. You can figure out how we feel with a question like, "How are you?" If we begin to sob and say "I miss my baby, " then you know where we're at.

Wherever we are on the scale of grief with miscarriage, send us a card. If we are in the more accepting part of the range, an "I'm thinking of you" card is good. If we are grieving the death of our baby, a sympathy card is appropriate.

Please remember significant dates associated with our loss.

* The anniversary of our angel.
* The birthday of our child. (In the case of infant death or miscarriage, these events may be the same date.)
* In the case of miscarriage or stillbirth, ask our due date and remember it. . .for years to come.
* On our birthday and holidays, (especially Mother's Day and Father's Day) we grieve our child. Remember to call us and show you're not/didn't forget.
* If we have no living children, it is even more important to remember Mothers and Fathers Days. We are still parents.

Do not avoid speaking of our loved one. We really want to talk about him or her.

Do not fear you will remind us of our angel, for our baby is always with us and forever on our mind.

If we do not feel up to discussing our child or grief, accept our feelings and move on to another topic.

If you wish to do something beyond offering us your friendship and ear, make a donation to a specific cause. For example, if our child  died of a certain disease, a donation to a research foundation which studies that disease will have very special significance.

Release a balloon in memory of our loved one, and write us a note or take a picture to show that you did this.

Be patient with us. We will not be better all at once. We will seem better then we will seem worse. We will seem at peace then we will be suddenly angry. In fact, we may never be the same again. Please don't expect us to be. And please please do not suggest that we should.

But most of all, pray for and with us. More than any other gesture, we will find comfort in your prayers and presence.

Remember that for every person on the planet and every situation imaginable, there is a different response and grief journey.

This is about the loss of Dakota. She died on May 27, 2013 in my womb, for no known reason. For those of you who have never experienced the loss of a baby, or a child, or any of your loved ones, this will help you walk along side someone who has and is now in a dark place. You can't go there. In fact, you will prefer to walk away and forget about it. But your friend must live with this always. Buck up and offer yourself to one who has lost everything.

I am NOT the House Maid.....

One thing that I think my family has set in their mind is that I'm not only Mom but the maid as well. It never fails. When dishes need done, they rely on me to do them. When clothes need put away... guess what... that's up to me. When toys need picked up... yep you guessed it... that's up to me.

I've tried the Chore list thing several times but they looked at me like I was playing a joke. As I sit here today and think about every thing I plan on doing while my daughter is in school, it occurred to me that darling hubby doesn't have the same plans.

His plans are the normal as any other day when he doesn't work. Sitting in his chair, with his laptop, playing video games, and talking to people on Skype. Now don't get me wrong. I love doing stuff for my family. But when it comes down to picking up tools from the repair of the shelf or toys that made their way to the livingroom.... it becomes quite annoying.

Do you deal with this? If you do and found a way to get the family to do their part, what was it?