Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

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I totally agree with today's post when the host mentions that not only do we lose our children, but in the midst of our grief, we tend to lose other things as well. I have noticed quite a bit of stuff that I've lost over the past two years. 

To start off with, I lost all sense of security in life. It's hard to describe. We tend to stroll through life thinking that bad things won't happen to us. I lost all of who I was and became someone new. I no longer took life for granted and I became much more grateful for the life I have been given. I tend to love deeper. I don't sweat the small stuff and, I most certainly don't let what I can't control bother me.

I struggle with fear and anxiety more since my loss, which I am working on with my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. 

There for a while, I lost my desire to take care of myself and I didn't care about what those around me thought. I didn't love myself, so why should anyone else? This way of thinking changed the day I fully started living for Christ. 

I lost friends who I cared for.

I lost a husband. Yes, we're still married but I'm no longer married to the man I fell in love with. He has changed, as I have. He doesn't seem to care as deeply as he once did. His life's focus is work and his car. His family strives for his attention, however, he doesn't hear them. His actions cause us pain, and he doesn't seem to mind. The loving, joyful, and caring man I met is gone and was replaced with this guy who buries himself into a hobby so he doesn't have to deal with life.

I lost my joy for a while, but I have found it in other places within life. 

Even though I have lost so much, I have gained better as well. (That's for another post.)

Capture Your Grief - Day 16 - Creative Grief

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There are several things I did for Dakota after I lost her. As I have mentioned before, I wrote about her short, sweet life here on earth and shared it for the world to read. I started a garden, which I had to leave behind when I moved from the house we were living in at the time. I took up taking photo's of nature. 

Here are some of the nature photo's I have taken since she passed away:

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Wave of Light.

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I found out about the meaning behind October 15th shortly after we lost our angel. On October 15th, the world stops for the day and remembers their babies who have been taken too soon. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness Month and on the 15th of the month, we light a candle at 7 PM and let it burn for an hour in memory of these babies. 

For the past two years, I have joined in with the Wave of Light to honor my daughter, Dakota. The images below are her candles burning. It brings my heart joy when I see friends and family join me on this special day!! (Thank you to those who have joined in.)

Wave of Light 2013

Wave of Light 2014

Capture Your Grief - Day 14 - Express Your Heart

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Express your heart with grieving. The powerfully painful transformation can turn you into a person of gratitude or into a person of negativity. I was both. Now, I'm the person of gratitude. During my journey with grief, I have experienced so many things that blessed me or angered me. That's what I'll be talking about today.

Words hurt. Actions hurt. Unfortunately, people don't realize this. Let me talk about the words part of this. From the moment we wake to the time we go to bed, we express ourselves with our words. There are phrases that we (angel parents) dread to hear directly after a loss. We don't want to hear that there was anything remotely wrong with our child. We don't want to hear that God has a plan and this is part of it. We don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason. To us, these are empty words. There's nothing in this world that can help us feel better. My best advice is just to pray for us. Tell us you're praying for us. Instead of using your words to comfort us and show you care, use your actions! Actions could be... cleaning up our house. Helping with our other children who are hurting too. Cook for us. I'm using the word "us" because when a baby dies... so many people are touched by this loss and only one person remains in the light of it all.... Mothers. People comfort and support mothers every way you look at it. But some do not remember the fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. 

Now for that word... action... When helping a family through a loss such as stillbirth, which is what I have experience with... REMEMBER THE DAD'S AND SIBLINGS. They are grieving too. Bring a gift to them as well. This could be in the form of a physical gift, being there to physically help these members of the family, or just to let them use you when they need you.

In addition, actions that you're doing can directly hurt these grieving families. I see this today, as well as within the past few years. People who claim to love me as their own blood family, forget and refuse to acknowledge my daughter. I see these people talk about how much they love me or my living children. They claim me as a sister or a granddaughter but fail to realize that if they do not accept the child of mine who died.... they're not accepting me. I will not take this easy. If you're going to claim to be family to me and refuse to acknowledge the life that I carried for 40 weeks 5 days, then you're not going to acknowledge me or my children in anything. FAMILY sticks together in all the hard times life seems to throw at you. You can't pick or choose which rough times you can be my family. So, if you refuse to say that Dakota is part of your family... then kindly back away from my living children and me. We are not family.

I've accepted her death, it's about time for you to do so as well!!!

Capture Your Grief - Day 13 - Regrets + Triggers

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Regrets during my journey of grief:

1. I regret not being able to bathe and dress my angel. (I never got to do this.)

2. I regret not laying a baby blanket in her forever bed with her.

3. I regret allowing others to tell me how I should be grieving and listening to them.

4. I regret not being more grateful and more excited for her during my pregnancy.

5. I regret not holding on to her longer when I had the opportunity.

6. I regret that I didn't fight harder for her when I knew something was wrong and her doctor wouldn't listen to me.

7. I regret not making sure more photo's were taken of us. (Yes we had pictures done but I have one photo of me and my angel and it's blurry.)

8. I regret the fact that I wasn't the mother my oldest daughter needed while she was grieving too.

9. I regret not keeping up with the letters to my angel in her notebook and vow to start writing to her again.

10. I regret not knowing her exact weight, length, or more details of her that I'm slowly losing over time.

Triggers:

1. Baby girl clothes in the store.

2. Seeing her name written somewhere.

3. Certain ways my rainbow baby looks while he sleeps.

4. Fall to winter because I can't see butterflies on a daily basis.

5. When someone doesn't acknowledge that she existed when listing their nieces or grandkids on a card or social media. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise.

Place - Farmington, West Virginia 5:13 am

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The start of this years healing project is different than any of the others that I have participated in previously. Two years ago when I joined in with this project, I was broken, angry, and hurt. Today, I am pieced together, happy, and joyful. Blessings have been flowing into my life and my relationship with Christ has become so much stronger within the past two years. I started seeking the Lord in 2013 when my life took that huge unexpected turn and I must say, it was the best decision I had ever made.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss my baby girl but the pain that once joined the absence of her has gone away. I fully believe the Lord has healed this pain and replaced it with a new kind of joy. I have a joy within that I never felt before. The peace I feel is one I can say I couldn't accomplish on my own. 

I dedicate this sunrise to my angel, Dakota. As I see it, I feel peace, contentment, and happiness. Deep inside, I know that's what she would want. She wouldn't want me sitting here filled with sorrow and pain. She'd want me to embrace life as it is and reach out to those who need help. She would want me to be happy. That's exactly what I am. 

Project Heal: Capture your Grief by CarlyMarie

It's that time again. October is here and so is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. In addition to my strong will to support this cause, I take part in the Capture your Grief Project inspired by CarlyMarie each October.

What is Capture your Grief?

To me, this is a time of reflection when it comes to the loss of my daughter. I believe it helps me see how far I have come and how far I want to be. It gives me time to process Dakota's death each year and dedicate a little bit of time to her.

Each day there's a different subject for YOUR photo. It's not a challenge where you Google the images, but you take them yourself. As stated on CarlyMarie's page: "Capture Your Grief is a mindful healing project for anyone who is grieving the death of a baby or child of any age or gestation."

Here is this months subjects:

So, keep your eyes open every day this month for my part in this healing project. 

Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

After the kids are in bed, I sit comfortably in my overly fluffy recliner when I get my chance to relax from the long day. As I sit here, I am surrounded by different memorial items that remind me of my precious daughter, Dakota. Images of her lifeless body beautifully positioned line my walls. Angel figurines line my shelves. A butterfly wind chime hangs from the floor lamp that's surrounded with a rainbow scarf. All of these bring me to tears when I actually sit and look at them. The corner shelf that sits behind me holds the plaster molds of the only thing that makes me feel close to her...her hands and feet. I pick them up, gently hold them and caress them while wishing it was really her that I was touching. Oh, to feel her skin against mine again. My heart breaks many times over during a single day for my daughter who was taken too soon from me. At times when I am in a slump and overloaded with grief, I'll grab my phone, put my ear buds in, and play the songs I have saved under a playlist just for her. There in that comfy chair, I cry for the daughter I only have spiritually. 

Day after day, for the past year and eight months, I've mourned the loss of my daughter. I sit and wonder when will this pain end? When will I be over the grieving and the pain of her absence? 

I've lost loved ones before. However, it's completely different losing your daughter compared to an Uncle or Grandparent. Grief lingers on for years after the loss of a child. I'm well aware of this because I know other angel parents who have been on this path for sixteen or more years. Guess what, they still feel the same way they did on the day they learned of their loss. 

In society, it seems as if one is expected to feel grief and mourn for several months after the loss. After a few months, it seems as if grieving for longer periods of time is unacceptable. It's like by then the person should be over it by then. Beyond the few month mark, a lot of people go back to life the way they lived it before the loss and assume those closest to the passed, has moved on too. 

I am here to tell you that way of thinking couldn't be more wrong. The loss of a child leaves a void in your life and in your heart for years to come. I believe it'll remain there until you're reunited with the child you never had the chance to know. 

Now that a year has passed and we're slowly making our way to the two-year mark, grieving for me has went from doing it openly to doing it in the privacy of my own home. (Normally in the shower because for some reason it's embarrassing to cry for my daughter.) There are only a select few that I choose to discuss my pain and grief with now. A year ago, I was shouting it to anyone that would listen. 

Is it okay to admit that I still feel the same way today as I did on the day I found out she didn't have her precious heartbeat?

I've been praying for the Lord to ease this pain and to make the grief manageable. I ask him to make it manageable and not take it fully away because I believe with the grief, I have been brought closer to him. I believe the grief that has been given to me is....a gift. 

The shattered heart, endless tears, the endless yanking at the strings of your heart, and the screams of overwhelming pain would be something that would make anyone want to run away from. It'd make anyone want to turn away and run in the opposite direction. But if we're willing, if we are open to accepting this gift from the Lord, this gift of grief, we will discover the blessings which are hidden within the creases of grief. 

When we (human beings) were created, we were created to live in the beautiful Garden of Eden without the feelings of loss let alone any grief. We weren't designed to experience the hardship we face today. Grief tends to focus on the eternal values in life by making us remember the lessons were taught in the moments of the loss of our child. It helps us see exactly what matters and want doesn't. It tends to help us value our time here on earth and guides us to use every second with purpose. Before the experience of grief, God and Heaven seem to be in the back of our minds, buried beneath a to-do list, as well as our hopes and dreams list. Grief pushes God and Heaven to the front of our minds and we tend to focus more on Him once we have experienced loss. Loss reminds us that in our time, we will be united with our loved ones in Heaven one day. Thus, giving us hope. 

To experience grief like I have, to the extent that I have has taught me a valuable lesson and made me think of things that had never crossed my mind before. I find myself dreaming of the day I get to pass from this life into the waiting arms of Jesus Christ. I find myself dreaming of what a day that will be. I imagine how the warmth of the sun will warm me as I experience true happiness for the first time. Once again, grief is a gift.

Death tends to remind us of our time here on earth and it reminds us that life isn't promised. Tomorrow isn't promised. Therefore, in our midst of grief we long to live a full life that's pleasing to our Lord and Savior. It makes us take a look at our priorities we have for ourselves and adjust them accordingly. It motivates us to be more disciplined in Christ and live a life full of faith. Grief's gift is a reality check. 

The loss of my child took me to the end of my strength which made me rely fully on God's strength to get by. I can't stop grieving for my daughter. I feel powerless against the overwhelming feelings that I have. It's only through God's strength that I have made it this far. It's His strength that helps me face a new day and with that all the new challenges that I come across. 

I have found grief as a gift through relationships. When we experience a deep loss, like the one I did, we tend to feel needier than what we once were. Therefore, not only do we find strong relationships with those who the Lord placed in our lives, but we also build a stronger relationship with Him. Grief leads us to pray more, thus building the relationship that matters the most. My relationship with Christ. Prayer always brings us closer to Christ. It inspires us to communicate with Him, because He's the ONLY one who can comfort us the way we need. The voids we feel are filled only by Him. Although the Lord won't remove those voids from our lives, he will fill them and embrace us with his love, strength, and compassion. Grief helps us to value our loved ones who are still here with us more. It shows us that they are meant to be here with you to give you a physical sense of being and comfort. It helps us to value these people because the grief made it easy to see their value in our life. Aren't we supposed to look at others as the Lord would? Grief helps us to do that. It gives us a glimpse into how we are supposed to live life ALL THE TIME, not just in the time of hardships. 

By viewing grief as a gift, we open ourselves for the Lord and for the blessings He has in store for us!

I truly can't wait to experience the blessing of Life with the grief I will carry on until I am resting in the arms of my Savior. 

Expecting After a Loss...This is for you!

My reaction for when I first saw my son and he started crying. A moment in my life I will never forget.

Dear Grieving Pregnant Mommy,

Let me start by saying that if you haven't been following my journey you probably don't already know that I am a mother of an angel who gave birth to her rainbow baby five months ago. So, it hasn't been that long since I was where you are now. The feelings that you are feeling...yes they are normal. Quite normal to be honest. If you find yourself crying, go for it. It's okay to cry. Believe me, the pregnancy journey after a loss is an emotional on. Boy, oh boy let me tell you what a day it will be when you give birth to your rainbow baby and your precious bundle of joy is handed to you....ALIVE!!!! 

I honestly didn't think I would reach that point. I found myself thinking about how I would handle going "through it again." How would I react? Could I handle it if I lost this baby I was carrying in the same womb who failed me almost a year before? I thought about the different things I would want for his funeral that we didn't have for our angel, Dakota. I couldn't even bring myself to think of having a shower for him because I didn't want all these items sitting around my house reminding me of what isn't. Just like the same baby items sit from Dakota's shower reminding me of what we lost. 

For some reason, planning a funeral over a baby shower was easier for me. It wasn't very long ago that I was forced to have a funeral and I wasn't prepared. This time around, I was going to be prepared. I even went to the extent of having the same funeral home's number, address, and what not in my hospital bag. I had the take taker of the cemetery's number, too. I didn't make this known to those around me because all they would have said was... it's going to be all right. That's one thing that I heard, time and time again. "Everything is going to be all right. Have faith in God." 

Up until I gave birth to our rainbow, I didn't prepare at all. Yes, we ended up having a small baby shower for him. But everything sat as it was when it was carried from the car. Gift bags cluttered my living room, as well as a crib that hadn't been set up. Bottles weren't cleaned and sterile. Diapers were still unwrapped. I just couldn't bring myself to set up and prepare for bringing baby home. In all honesty, I felt as if it were going to be time wasted. 

I didn't purchase anything for our son during the pregnancy, until my husband decided to go to the all town yard sale. Of course, I dreamed of seeing my son in the different outfits, shoes, and other baby items we saw during our walk around town, but I couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. My husband on the other hand saw the need to get ready for our son. He arranged the pick up of all the clothes he purchased that day. I couldn't handle it. I walked away.

That, too, is okay. I only did what I knew I was able to handle and you can too. Don't feel ashamed for being scared. You have every right to be. You will have people telling you that you can't live in the fear or be scared to prepare for the very different future you'll be facing. However, they really do not know what we know. Right? They really haven't experienced death like we have. We are always grieving and I believe we will never stop. We know what it's like to feel death come from our bodies, which were once full of life. We know heartbreak that won't ever end.

I can personally tell you that the journey through pregnancy after a loss is another trying period within your life, but totally worth it. Believe me, my pregnancy with my rainbow was very trying. On top of all the fear and worry, the pregnancy didn't go without complications. At about seven months into the pregnancy with my rainbow, I found out that I had polyhydramnios. It occurs in about one in every 100 pregnancies. It can lead to developmental abnormalities or pregnancy complications.Of course, on top of worrying about my son and him dying before I got to meet him, I now had even more stacked against me. I had to worry about going into labor prematurely. I had to worry about a prolapsed cord during labor when my water broke. If a prolapsed cord happened, my son would be cut off from his oxygen supply and his nutrients. This scared the crap out of me. 

So, when I tell you it's worth it when you FINALLY hear your screaming baby...IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! 

***Keep a look out for my writing updates on my book, Journey to Our Rainbow (working title) here on my author blog. ***

Bringing Home Our Rainbow Baby: After Loss

Pregnancy is a time of happiness and joy. For many, it's full of fear and worry. When a couple brings home their new baby after losing one, life changes again. The fear and worry don't go away once baby comes into the world screaming and full of life. The fear and worry just shift to other things in focus. Many questions I have asked was: Will he die too? Is he still breathing? Oh no, what if he dies of SIDS?

As a mother of loss and a rainbow, here are a few things that I want my family and friends to know:

1. I'm more confused now more than ever. At times I may think I'm holding my angel when I'm really holding my rainbow. It's confusing because I'm holding my rainbow baby while missing another baby. Certain facial expressions that my rainbow makes has me doing flashbacks in my mind of my angel. Believe me, it sounds crazy but I'm not crazy. So, when I try to express my feelings to you, just listen. I know my baby is dead and isn't coming back. I understand that my rainbow is a completely different baby. It's hard enough on me without the judgement of others.

2. I'm still grieving.  Some may think this way and it's wrong. However, just because I have this brand new bundle of joy in my arms, doesn't mean that I don't miss my angel. I hate how people describe grieving as a process. Just as I have read before, a process is something that has an end. When grieving the child you lost, there will NEVER be an end. Some may think that just because I have a living and breathing child in my arms, all should be better. Nope, actually this takes me back to number one and adds to the confusion. The questions I once asked when I first lost my angel come back once again. Why is my rainbow here with me and my angel couldn't be? What would life be like if my angel was here with my rainbow? These are just a few examples.

3. My heart longs for my angel and at times I want her. Don't get me wrong. I love my rainbow baby with my all being. It's not that I don't want him. Believe me I went through hell to have him here. There was A LOT of tears, fear, and pain to get where I am today. I worked with every ounce of who I am to ensure that on my end, my rainbow came into this world alive. I just wish with ever fiber of my soul that my angel was still here with us.

4. Fear and anxiety is still here but it's stronger. I'm really scared. Actually, this is my normal. For the past year this has been my life. Starting in October of 2013, I was scared that I wouldn't get pregnant. The anxiety took over with each pregnancy test. Then once I saw the test come back with a positive, the fear and anxiety shifted. I worried during the entire nine months and thought only about, "What if it happened again?" When I was about nine months pregnant, the fear and anxiety rocketed sky high. I learned that I had polyhydramnios. I was put on bed rest because this made me at a higher risk for preterm labor and once again the chances of another stillborn went up. I had two appointments each week from that point on. Labor came and I was induced. Fear and anxiety was at it's max and pushing itself to the limits. Up until the moment I heard his first cry, this was all that I felt.

Now that he's here.... that doesn't mean it went away. I worry about him ALL THE TIME. As I stated in the start of this post, I don't believe this will fully go away.

5. I have a hard time with others holding my rainbow or trusting them with him. The moment I'm asked, "Oh, can I hold him?" Or when someone reaches out and takes him from my arms, panic sets in. I'm super scared that something could happen which would result in his untimely death. There are so many sicknesses and diseases being talked about within the news, I'm worried that he'd catch it since he's only had two rounds of his immunization shots. Plus, he's still little and his immune system is still developing.

MOST OF ALL, I still need you. Please don't go. All may seem well. The heartaches is still there now more than it ever was. Don't drift away from me. I'm really not okay. 

Daddy's View: Dad's Matter Too

My story starts out the day we found out we were expecting. We had dealt with fertility issues to the point that for 6 years we heard the word "no" so much, it became the norm and we gave up. My wife went to the hospital for another non related issue. While she was there, I was out of town. I called to check on her just as the doctor walked in. After she spoke with the doctor, she told me on the phone "you're going to be a daddy". I didn't know how to respond. Finally I heard the words I've been longing to hear.Was this true? Did she really say it? I asked her to repeat and she said the same thing again. Still in shock I snapped out of it after hearing "hello??" from my wife. I started yelling with excitement...I couldn't contain myself.  Where I was...people were looking at me weird but I didn't care.

Fast forward to the morning of loss. My wife had been spotting the day before and the doc said it was normal and if it got worse to go to the ER.  Well it got worse and on our bathroom floor my wife was in extreme pain. Painfully I had to get my wife up and off the floor to get her to the ER. It was hurtful to me to force her to get up when she was in so much pain, but I didn't want was about to happen to happen on the floor. I wanted her to be with medical staff. 

We got to the hospital...I dropped her off and parked the truck. I expected her to be in her room by the time I got there. Wrong. She was still being checked in. I was irritated that they weren't in a hurry with what was going on. Finally we get back to the room and the nurse came in. My wife said she needed to go to the bathroom and they gave her a catch cup to put in the toilet. This is when she ended up passing our baby. She went into shock... she was just standing there in the bathroom shaking and screaming. The nurse and I got her dressed and moved her to another room.  I realized we lost our baby but I snapped into worry about the wife mode.  They gave her medicine for shock and it helped calm her down.  They did tests and proved that she did in fact pass our baby.  We were given discharge papers... information about the extra blood loss this week and a prescription to help with it. 

They asked us what we wanted to do with the baby. I wanted to have a service. I had to make the decision pretty much on my own because my wife was still medicated.  The doctor talked me out of a service because "its not normal for babies less then 21 weeks" and "no sense in paying funeral costs for a baby less than 21 weeks".  I thought about my parents funeral costs, which was about $5k and knew I couldn't afford that. So I chose for them to do what they do to dispose of him.  Later on I came to realize its only about $600 for a baby funeral and this is a decision that will always bother me because I could have afforded that!

I get my wife out to the pickup and we just sit there.  I'm at a loss. What do I do next? There was no help... no guidance... it was here's your papers now go home.  She asked me to make the calls because she couldn't do it.  So one by one I called family and friends to tell them the bad news.  All the questions were the same "do they know why?" and "how is Mandy?" followed by "well tell her we love her and we are praying for her".  Her? You don't love me or are praying for me? No one asked how I was. Hmmm must not have cared.  Then I told myself quit whining its not about you... you have to be there for her.  

Days went on... visits came... cards came... all very nice. For her... nothing about me. No one asked me how I was feeling... I was hurting too! He was my little boy too! How about how I feel like a failure? How about how I'm supposed to protect my family and my boy is gone. How about how my wife is in pain and there is nothing I can do to take her pain. Was that argument we got into a cause? I shouldn't have raised my voice and upset her. Is there anymore I could have done for him? For her? What am I supposed to do now?? Oh sorry whining again... deal with it and be there for her... its not about you its about your wife. 

- Douglas Hengstebeck

Things I Wish I Knew BEFORE Pregnancy After Loss (PAL)

***I read an article yesterday with the same base line of this article. I'm writing my version because there are things I'd like to add in with from my perspective. To read the original article, click here.*

Pregnancy can be an emotional, yet joyful time for a soon to be Mommy! The anticipation of meeting your newest family member builds up over the nine months and by the end of the pregnancy everyone is anxious to meet the newest family member.

However, the joys, hopes, and dreams are changed for those who are pregnant after a loss. Well, as a matter of fact, EVERYTHING changes and the angel Mom is never the same with any future pregnancies. 

Here are the things I wish I would have been told before my pregnancy with my rainbow:

1. TTC (Trying to Conceive) is an emotional nightmare. My husband and I decided that we wanted to try for our rainbow baby about three months after the loss of our precious daughter. I didn't realize how different it would be. The fun was gone and it was work once we had the agreement of my doctor. (He suggested I waited three full menstrual cycles before trying again.) The first month we tried, it wasn't successful and I felt as if I failed. The feelings that went through me were overbearing. I had a hard time with TTC and just sex in general. The fun and quality time with my husband turned into a bunch of thoughts like "I wonder if it'll happen this time?" or "I pray I'm tracking everything right so it happens now." I anxiously waited for that time of the month and when it arrived, I broke down and cried. I honestly felt like it was going to take me forever to conceive or I wasn't ever going to again. At this time, I no longer trusted my body to do it's thing because it had just failed me several months before. Then the cycle of TTC started again. It was really depressing mixed with fear and anxiety. 

2. Finding out your pregnant isn't the same as it once was. The moment the positive test came in I had mixed emotions about it. During the time we were TTC, I would imagine what the moment would be like when I finally saw that our prayers were answered. Would I scream with excitement? Would I cry from fear? Would I tell others right away or keep the news to myself?  I was four days late and felt as if it was a joke. My cruel body was doing it again. Boosting up my spirit with hope only to crash it at any moment with the dreaded menstrual time. I didn't tell my husband that I was going to take the test. He was sleeping from working the night before and I ran to the store to get the test. I took the test alone in the bathroom and those three minutes felt like forever. POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. Literally. I thought the test was wrong. It was too good to be true. I've heard it said that if it feels too good to be true...it usually is. This is what kept running through my mind. I thought the test had to be wrong and it that it was a defective test. Of course, I took another one. That too was positive. I fell to my knees and cried. Part of me wanted to believe it and the other part was trying to tell me it was a joke. Fear and anxiety snuck in at this moment even more. Once I pulled myself together and told my husband, all I could think of was "What's going to happen?" "Will I be able to handle another stillbirth if it were to happen again?" 

3. You'll constantly expect something bad to happen. Realization of the new pregnancy took a while to sink in even after taking two at home tests, I needed to have it confirmed by the doctor. This was a task all on it's own. With a stillbirth in my history, I was considered high risk from the start. The doctor did a urine test to confirm the pregnancy. This one was positive too. However, I didn't think it was right. The doctor pulled me into the ultrasound room and showed me the sack, baby, and the flicker of a heartbeat. This is when I allowed it to start sinking in. I was really pregnant. From that point on, I constantly worried about what I would see when I needed to use the restroom. I was always expecting to see blood. I was told it's normal after experiencing a traumatic ordeal like we had with our daughter. The fear that at any moment something bad will happen only leads to even more anxiety and fear.

4. The bad pregnancy symptoms most people dread, become your best friend. I know in my first pregnancy I didn't feel anything regarding those symptoms. However, with my angel I had the morning sickness like crazy. It started within my pregnancy with my rainbow too. But this time, I welcomed it. I wanted to feel sick and have my breast hurt. This was a sign to me that everything at that moment was okay. I would panic when I felt good. I automatically thought something was wrong and ran to the bathroom once again expecting to see blood. When the first trimester was coming to an end and so did the symptoms, I kept thinking something happened and the baby had died. 

5. Doctor appointments ease some of the fear. I lived for the visits to the doctor. I would count down the days until I was able to go in. However, when it came time it also brought on a new set of worries. "Will there be a heartbeat this time?" was the main question I'd ask myself on the morning of my appointments. With being high risk not only did the doctor want to see me but he also requested ultrasounds too. I remember the first ultrasound with my rainbow. I was waiting in the doctors office holding back tears because of the fear of no heartbeat when it came time for the ultrasound. At this point, this was the first ultrasound I had since I lost my daughter and I was afraid my rainbow would have the same fate. By the time I was laid back on the bed and the tech was checking the heartbeat, I could no longer hold back my tears. I cried and without realizing it, I held my breath until the tech said the heartbeat was there. This became routine at every visit.

6. Others will expect you to be okay now that you're pregnant again! What I didn't realize is that I thought this too. I thought that since I'd be pregnant... I'd be okay but this wasn't the case at all. I was and have been far from okay. Being pregnant after a loss doesn't make all those feelings from the loss go away. In fact, they only become stronger. At times I sat and remembered my pregnancy more with my angel than with my rainbow. I'd sit on the couch listening to the heartbeat on the at home doppler I purchased while remembering my angels heartbeat. This was the case during the entire pregnancy. I believe this is okay because you can't forget one child because you have another.

7. Anxiety will over take you in the first trimester when you can't feel the baby move.  I remember saying that once our rainbow would begin moving, I'd be okay. However, the road there was rough. I wanted so badly to feel our rainbow move that I ached for it at times. This would be another indication that the baby was fine. It seemed as if the first trimester went by very slowly. 

8. However, you'll worry even in the second trimester after you can feel the baby's movements. I waited so long for the movement of my rainbow. Once it had happened I wasn't sure about it. I panicked when I couldn't feel the baby move with each movement, which caused me to run back to the heart doppler again. So it wasn't as reassuring as I thought it would be.

9. The fact that you WILL obsess about the baby moving as time goes by. When the kicks were more frequent, I needed to feel them. I felt like something was wrong if I didn't feel my baby move. When I wouldn't feel him move, I would began to panic and fall back on the heart doppler. I was very tuned into the baby's movements.

10. When seeing another pregnant woman, jealousy will happen. I know this one to be true. I still do it to this day during my 34th week of pregnancy. I get mad, too. The reason is because they still have that innocent joy within their pregnancy and they don't know this new world I was forced into. At times I caught myself immediately disliking her because of her genuine smile that wasn't hiding fear in the deep dark shadows of her heart. Do I have joy now? Yes, however it's always mixed with another emotion. I don't believe I'll ever feel pure joy when it comes to my kids again.

11. You will Google or call your doctor with EVERY symptom you have. I can't tell you how many times during this pregnancy I have resorted to Googling what was going on with me and then calling the doctor. Each new thing that happens within pregnancy will have one wondering if it's normal or if it's an indication that something is wrong. 

12. Any speed bump between conception and delivery will scare you!  When I was diagnosed within this pregnancy with Polyhydramnios, which is too much amniotic fluid. I went home and cried. I explained how this made me feel in another post here. This put me on bed rest and to limit my activity to ensure I didn't bring on pre-term labor. Deep down inside I felt as if my baby had the same outcome as my angel. Each appointment is only more anxiety and doesn't help to calm me until I hear the words: You're baby isn't in danger. 

13. Fear doesn't go away as you reach birth. My loss was at 40 weeks 5 days. I have no days to "just get past" and nothing to ease my fears. The fears of loss with my rainbow only increase as I get closer to D-day. Everything during pregnancy isn't predictable and this is scary. With six weeks left, I'm a bundle of nerves and there's nothing I can do to provide some comfort. 

These are my comments with each point made in the original post. I hope this helps someone out there to see how things have been for me pregnancy wise and I hope this gives some insight to someone who is PAL.

If you are PAL, add your comments below if I missed something on my end.

Not PAL? Did this article help you understand better?

Pregnancy without Fear.....

....not for this Momma!!

As of today I am 30 weeks into my pregnancy with our rainbow, Jaxson. Before the loss of our daughter Dakota, pregnancy was a time of hope, joy, and happiness. I enjoyed everything about it. I was excited to see that I was one of the few who actually LOVED being pregnant and everyone could see that with the way I held myself during the pregnancy. 

I never expected that my second pregnancy would end so tragically. I had hopes and dreams for Dakota, which was quickly taken away from me. Now I am given another blessing of pregnancy with a boy. At first I couldn't come to terms with the fact that we were blessed with a boy instead of a little girl. Deep down inside I wanted another daughter. I wanted the dreams that I had for Dakota to be passed on to our next daughter. However, that isn't going to happen because we are having a boy. It took me several weeks to come to terms with the fact that we were having a boy. 

For most of this pregnancy, I have found it really hard to bond with Jaxson. I'm honestly afraid to. I feel that if I fall in love and begin to get excited, he too will be taken away from me. My husband and Sunshine felt the same way too. We were all suffering very differently, however, I could not control my emotions and was constantly in fear. My husband handled it his way and our Sunshine was handling it in her way. 

I find myself wondering if I will be bringing a baby home this round in my arms or in my heart. I am part of several pregnancy after loss groups on Facebook and I have seen other angel mom's comment with "If I can just make it past X weeks, then I'll be fine." But what happens when everything is perfect during the ENTIRE pregnancy and labor comes on, then you find out your little one has passed into the arms of Jesus? There is no safe zone for me. 

As the weeks tick by (and they are VERY quickly), I become more anxious, scared, and worried. I so BADLY want my son to survive the birth, his first year, and many more years to come. However, I feel as if I am free falling from the Heavens and at any time I am going to crash land back to where I was a year ago. I fear that I'll go into labor and Jaxson will join his sister in Heaven instead of his family here on earth. 

I've prayed to the Lord about my anxiety and my fears. Do I believe the Lord would allow it to happen again? I want to say no because I don't believe he puts more on us than what we can handle. But how do I have my faith overpower my fears when the outcome would destroy me if the dreaded happened again?

A Grief Journey..... Delayed by Faith and Saved by Hope

I never expected that I'd be an angel Mom. In all honesty, who does? When our Dakota gained her wings, I had carried her for 40 weeks 5 days. The emotional roller coaster that I went through is hard to explain. I went through periods where I was content with what happened. Then on other days, I hated the fact that I was chosen as an angel Mom. I went through periods of time where I didn't want to get out of bed and times where I felt as if I could run a marathon. 

Through the entire journey, I held tightly to my faith that there is something in store for me. Something to bring back the joy, love, and peace within my life. The miracle of life would do this for me. I've referred to my miracle as my rainbow since my doctor gave me the clear to try for another baby. Rainbow baby is a term not many know. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss. This can be either a pregnancy or infant loss.

I had been grieving for our daughter for the total of eight months when I learned my prayer had been answered. I was pregnant with my rainbow. This pregnancy has been an emotional journey for the past six months. I'm on an emotional overload. I'm still grieving for the child I lost while trying to cope with the fact that I'm pregnant. I try not to allow fear to overcome me but I am only human. I'm scared we will face another loss at the end of this pregnancy. There's no safe zone for us. I have heard so many people say that if they could just get past X weeks, then they would know all would be okay. But what happens when you're baby passes at birth? What happens when you give birth to death?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not in any form saying I regret becoming pregnant with our son. (Who has a name and it'll be announced when the time is right.) He's been such a blessing because I am taking each ache and pain with pride. I love them. Yep, you read that right and no, I'm not crazy. Before our loss I took advantage of the fact that I was pregnant. It never occurred to me by how blessed I really was. I was always so sour. I never felt the need to start a pregnancy book or take weekly photos. As a matter of fact, I have the total of three pregnancy pictures with Dakota. All of which I dislike the way I look because I seem so unhappy. 

Now, our son makes me see things differently. I've tried to keep up with the photos. In the beginning of the pregnancy not much has changed, therefore not many pictures can be taken. But I am now to the point of where I can no longer see my feet, stand too long due to swelling, and I'm ALWAYS hungry. 

I am now 24 weeks pregnant and loving every minute of it. I believe I wouldn't be where I am at when it comes to my grief if it weren't for me being saved by faith and hope. I believe I may have slipped into a dark place and stopped living. So, I wanted to give a small bit of hope to those who are still trying to conceive. Never give up and loose faith. You're hope for a rainbow is there and you will once again feel the joy life has to offer! 

Sibling Grief: Sunshine's View

A good bit of the time when loss hits a family unexpectedly there's a lot of people who are more than willing to help. They help Mom with dinner, cleaning, and constantly asks if she's okay. They bring her flowers, cards, and little gifts to remember her precious little baby who was taken too soon. 

All the while in the midst of this storm, there are two others who are often forgotten. Dad and the siblings. No one stops to consider how they are handling things or if they need someone to lean on. 

I know if it wasn't for my mother, my daughter wouldn't have had someone. I hate admitting it but when Dakota passed away, I couldn't be a mother. I feared every minute that our Sunshine was next. Therefore, our oldest daughter stayed with her grandmother for the most of three weeks while I pulled myself together. 

I've blogged a lot of this journey from my perspective. But one perspective you don't hear much about is from the angel's siblings. Well, today my oldest daughter is here to explain how the past year has been for her. **Keep in mind that she's seven years old. The loss of her sister happened only a month before her 7th birthday!**

My World without My Sister

**A small note from Sunshine**

Me on the left and Dakota in mommy's belly on the right.

I felt sad about my sister when I first found out that she became an angel. When I went to the hospital, my pappy had told me that Mommy was finally having the baby. I didn't expect to find out that Jesus had her in his arms. I was so mad because I wanted her to be here with me. I looked forward to playing with her, dressing her, feeding her, and helping my mommy with her. 

I see others with their sisters or brothers and it makes me sad. I wonder why I'm not able to have mine? I drew pictures for her and I've wrote about her in my journal. It helps sometimes but some times it doesn't. Nothing does. I wish I could have my sissy back. But I know she's with Jesus and we will see her again.

I am amazed to see my sister is in Heaven. I am soooooooo sad we had to make a comer for her and we cried about her. The pictures I see around the house help me to remember what she looks like. When we visit sissy's grave, I get mad and sad. I'm mad because I don't want her to be there. I'm sad because my sissy isn't with me. 

Mommy and Daddy try to make me feel better but it doesn't work sometimes. Nothing does. 

But now I am fine about her. I don't find myself crying as much because I know she's in a better place. I can't wait to be with my sissy again.

-This was Emma who wrote this part. I hope you enjoy it!

Rising up from Grief to Hope: A Tribute to Dakota

Today marks one year since I last saw my beautiful daughter, Dakota. So much has happened within the past year where at times I have no idea how to process it. So, this post is a tribute to my daughter Dakota. Here are the things we did in the past year to keep her memory alive and show our love for her. 

This photo is of the gathering we had directly after her funeral. The wonderful church family we have gave a memorial dinner and we did a balloon release directly after. This was the beginning of the new for us. I never thought something as simple as watching a balloon float into the sky could raise such emotion in me. But it reminds me of how quickly Dakota left and how silent her passing was. 

Our oldest daughter watched each balloon until they were out of sight, while I cried and my husband held me. This moment in time reminded me just how important family really is. That's when I made the promise to our daughter Dakota that I will NEVER let her go. Her memory will always remain alive as long as I am alive. 

Each holiday that passed, we decorated her grave site with different items to show we were thinking of her. The firsts are the worst but we made it through. The heartache was unbearable at times. I couldn't have imagined that when I turned 26, I'd be mourning the death of my child.

We dedicated a small part of our living room to her, which over

time became half of the living room. So many wonderful people wanted to help us remember our precious daughter. I can't express how much this meant to me and still does. Every time I share a thought or a part of my grieve with those who have followed our journey, they always leave words of encouragement. But most of all, it showed me that I'm/we aren't alone.

Another way I remembered Dakota was in a book dedicated to her and her story. I wanted people to know who she was and what had happened to her. So, through the pain and tears I wrote her story. As a tribute to her I made sure it was published on October 15, 2013, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My hopes for her book is that everyone out there reads it and learns. But most of all I pray her story helps others who are going through the same thing and they can find hope like I did. My faith remained strong and I straightened up my life so I can be with her again.

I pushed through my grief and my hope was restored. Dakota taught me a lot over the past year and I am so grateful God chose me to be her mother. The 40 weeks 5 days I had with her will always stay with me. 

So in closing, Dakota is not only my daughter, but my inspiration. She's inspired me to go with the flow, trust in God, and enjoy life. For this is all she did. Not one time did she ever feel anything but love. How amazing that type of life would be!