Like a Child...

Parenting is a mission that many are selected to do. It's a forever mission appointed by God. As parents, we are qualified to do His bidding. We are to be the light that shines through the dark so our children can find their way. We are to speak and teach the truth. But our most important job within parenting is to pray for our children.

Over the past ten years of my parenting journey, I remember feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. At times, I even feel this way today. My oldest seems to always want her life to revolve around electronics and when she's glued to her Kindle, her attitude sucks. At one time, I felt like I failed, like my body failed when I lost my daughter in the womb and she was stillborn. I have even felt like a failure with my currently two-year-old son because he's not where the doctors believe he should be when it comes to talking.

God has spoken to me on numerous occasions in the most unexpected ways. He told me that He understands what it feels like to lose a child and gain one at the same time. I was confused by this and it took me three years to understand. He lost His child to sin but gained Him by the cross. 

He told me He understands my pain when it comes to the broken relationship that I have with my oldest. I have had the hardest time trying to connect with my daughter as she gets older. Our interests aren't the same. She loves dinosaurs and I'm clueless about them. She enjoys Pokemon and I don't even know where to begin. She hates doing her hair and I love it. She's not interested in makeup but I enjoy it. We are very different. I keep reaching out and she keeps pushing away. I try to teach her the right ways to go and it seems to flow in one ear and out the other. I try to guide, protect, and love her to the best of my ability, but she won't have any of it. 

Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me explain how God understands what I am going through as a parent. He continually loves us. There isn't a sin in this world that will stand in between the love of God and His child (You). God has given us freedom, as I have done with my daughter, to choose our own way. He gives us the opportunity for us to show Him in return the love we have for Him. However, this doesn't stop Him from pursuing a relationship with us. Just as I have done in the past with my daughter, God is doing it with us too. He reaches and we push away. He comforts and we blame Him. He wants to build a stronger relationship with us but we're nieve and think we can handle it on our own. We are His stubborn children.

Regardless of how much we push away, He's always there when the rough spots hit. That's when we seem to seek out His love, strength, and healing the most. But He wants more than that. He wants us ALL OF THE TIME. He will continue to pursue us because He knows we are worth it. He knows the ways He can teach us. He knows how He can or will use these to teach us about Himself so we can get to know Him better. He knows the ways to make us more like Him by growing the fruit of the Spirit within our hearts. We just need to open up to Him and allow Him to work. 

This is especially true when it comes to our children too. Once we fully submit to God, we can focus on our children and teach them of the love of Christ. We can trust our children to Him through prayer and by building our relationship with Him. 

He's here.

He's waiting.

Do you accept?

Project Heal: Capture your Grief by CarlyMarie

It's that time again. October is here and so is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. In addition to my strong will to support this cause, I take part in the Capture your Grief Project inspired by CarlyMarie each October.

What is Capture your Grief?

To me, this is a time of reflection when it comes to the loss of my daughter. I believe it helps me see how far I have come and how far I want to be. It gives me time to process Dakota's death each year and dedicate a little bit of time to her.

Each day there's a different subject for YOUR photo. It's not a challenge where you Google the images, but you take them yourself. As stated on CarlyMarie's page: "Capture Your Grief is a mindful healing project for anyone who is grieving the death of a baby or child of any age or gestation."

Here is this months subjects:

So, keep your eyes open every day this month for my part in this healing project. 

Ignorance With Loss- Speaking Out

It's absolutely heartbreaking when I'm surfing the Internet and actually see just how ignorant people are when it comes to child loss. Today I saw a news article on wpxi.com that pertained to a couple in California who gave birth to an angel. Immediately I had to read it and absolutely loved it. I love the fact that even though it's not my story or about my precious Dakota, it's still bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I then felt the need to share Dakota's picture too. For some reason when I see anything on this subject, I have the need to put my daughter out there too. I want people to know she existed and she lived. 

What broke my heart was the response the family got to their photo's of their sleeping angel when they were brought to the attention of the public. Each comment was as if someone had taken a knife and pushed it into my heart. 

Ignorance like these comments:

• "Private pictures ok. Dead babies on the internet no."

•  "Dead Babies on the Internet" - I feel like there is a social commentary type punk rock song in here somewhere...

• People grieve in their own way but the pictures should be kept private within the family not plastered everywhere on the internet and Facebook

• I think it's morbid and constitutes abuse of corpse.

• Not sure how I feel about that one 

1 in 4 women experience child loss in some form...some experience it multiple times. I am 1 in 4. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days. If you have NEVER lost a child, feel blessed because it does change who you are and how you deal with things. I am glad people are speaking out about it and raising awareness. How dare you pass judgement on grieving mothers for having pictures done. Grow up and realize all life is precious and stop being petty. These comment dig deep down inside and bother the heck out of me. Value every second of life. 

Until you lose a child at birth, you have no idea the pain and loss you feel. I feel that no one should have to experience this. It is not warped or disturbing to take photo's of your sleeping angel. What makes you so high and mighty that you can judge? 

Those of us that have lost babies cope in different ways. Don't put the grieving parents down because it is not the way you would choose to grieve. Everyone who thinks this is morbid just can't handle the truth that yes these situations do happen. This is the truth to child loss  Families get photos because it's their child. They will share these with their future children and so on. It's comfort for them to see their little angel. 

IF you're one of those people who deem it warped or disturbing, do me a favor.... chose one of your children you choose to live life without. Yeah, pick one. Doesn't matter which. Now... imagine choosing a headstone for that child. Or how about this, imagine what that child would look like laying in a casket. You know... "dead and disturbing". Ohhh look at that... I hit a nerve. I bet you can't even imagine either one of these scenarios. Can you? 

Now.. picture funeral music playing, flowers, and your last kiss before the casket is closed forever. Remember this will be the last time you will EVER see your child again on this earth. Oh, now they're getting ready to bury your child. They lower the casket as you force yourself to look away. Next they throw the dirt in the hole where your child was just lowered. Let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!!

You have NO right to sit back and judge me as an angel mother for how I choose to deal with the loss of my child. Therefore, until you experience it.. how about you educate yourself about Pregnancy and Infant Loss? Or how about this... reach out and send comfort to a family who was forced to say goodbye before they even had the chance to say hello! Until then, I'll shout it from the roof tops and the mountain tops that my daughter LIVED! You have no right to either like or dislike what I choose to do until you have been here yourself! Plain and simple!!!! 

Sibling Grief: Sunshine's View

A good bit of the time when loss hits a family unexpectedly there's a lot of people who are more than willing to help. They help Mom with dinner, cleaning, and constantly asks if she's okay. They bring her flowers, cards, and little gifts to remember her precious little baby who was taken too soon. 

All the while in the midst of this storm, there are two others who are often forgotten. Dad and the siblings. No one stops to consider how they are handling things or if they need someone to lean on. 

I know if it wasn't for my mother, my daughter wouldn't have had someone. I hate admitting it but when Dakota passed away, I couldn't be a mother. I feared every minute that our Sunshine was next. Therefore, our oldest daughter stayed with her grandmother for the most of three weeks while I pulled myself together. 

I've blogged a lot of this journey from my perspective. But one perspective you don't hear much about is from the angel's siblings. Well, today my oldest daughter is here to explain how the past year has been for her. **Keep in mind that she's seven years old. The loss of her sister happened only a month before her 7th birthday!**

My World without My Sister

**A small note from Sunshine**

Me on the left and Dakota in mommy's belly on the right.

I felt sad about my sister when I first found out that she became an angel. When I went to the hospital, my pappy had told me that Mommy was finally having the baby. I didn't expect to find out that Jesus had her in his arms. I was so mad because I wanted her to be here with me. I looked forward to playing with her, dressing her, feeding her, and helping my mommy with her. 

I see others with their sisters or brothers and it makes me sad. I wonder why I'm not able to have mine? I drew pictures for her and I've wrote about her in my journal. It helps sometimes but some times it doesn't. Nothing does. I wish I could have my sissy back. But I know she's with Jesus and we will see her again.

I am amazed to see my sister is in Heaven. I am soooooooo sad we had to make a comer for her and we cried about her. The pictures I see around the house help me to remember what she looks like. When we visit sissy's grave, I get mad and sad. I'm mad because I don't want her to be there. I'm sad because my sissy isn't with me. 

Mommy and Daddy try to make me feel better but it doesn't work sometimes. Nothing does. 

But now I am fine about her. I don't find myself crying as much because I know she's in a better place. I can't wait to be with my sissy again.

-This was Emma who wrote this part. I hope you enjoy it!

Dads...How To Help During Loss?

I've noticed one thing since our Dakota lost her wings. Most of the time Daddy's are forgotten. I see all types of graphics for the Mom's, websites, and social media sites that reflect the situations for the mother. We must remember the Fathers too.

At times when you see a grieving father, you won't see that he is hurting. Men tend to bottle up their emotions and come off as being the strong, supportive one. In truth, his emotions on the inside are in just as bad of shape as Mommy.

So, here is my message to all the Daddy's of Angels: 

Remember there are people out there who reconize your hurt and your pain. Just because you didn't feel your angels movements or carry them inside of you, doesn't mean your pain is any less. Stand up and speak out. Be honest. In the time of grief, you don't need to hold it all together. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry. Don't be afraid to talk about your baby. The more you talk about them, the more your heart will heal.

While you are grieving, don't forget your wife and children. At times, you may feel the need to push the word away and go into your own place. When you do this, without realizing it, you're hurting your family. Talk to your wife. She needs to know that you hurt too. Let her know she's not alone and that you feel it too.

Protect your wife from those who may not be fit for her in this very emotional time. If you know a person who can potentially create more heartache for your wife, tell them to go. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy. This goes to the same with your grieving children. This will show them that no matter what, they have you to protect them. You will ensure the safety of their hearts.

The most important of all, don't run from God. Go to Him. He will protect and shelter your heart, while you are protecting your family. Don't allow the mixed feelings inside to let you question God's worth. He is there to help mend you and to help carry you through. Pray and do it often. Tell the Lord your needs and allow Him to fix them. Believe me, when the time is right... He will!!

Alone... nah.. I've got Jesus

Do you see the Angel? (c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Over the past five months, one thing has tried to settle into me, but hasn't. Therefore, it seems like it's invisibly floating around waiting for the perfect moment. Loneliness. There's been many people to come and go within my life since May. I'm beyond grateful for those who have come and stayed. But overall, I am thankful for the ones who have come into my life for the brief moments that they did.

Every so often I begin to feel betrayed and alone. The feelings sneak up on me quickly and from out of no where. I feel anger and hatred. Yet, I swiftly push them away. I know this is the enemy trying to work his way in, like he's been trying to do since Dakota gained her wings.

I quickly push him away and cry out to our Lord. I will not let him overtake me. I am a child of God and I have the Faith that he's always with me. I may feel like I am alone on this earth, but I am not.

At times I feel like no one will ever understand what I am going through, but I am wrong. God knows. He lost his son to, only to gain him in his spirit form. The Lord knows my pain all too well. Therefore, I am not alone.

When people say they will always be there, and then they're no where to be found when needed. I remind myself, call upon Christ. He's always willing to listen.

When I call upon that friend and I hear reason after reason for their absence, I remember that the Lord will NEVER give me a reason why he wasn't there for me, because he will never leave me. All I have to do is call upon him.

Without God, I am nothing. But with God, I can be everything He wants me to be. So, I want to dedicate this blog post to Our Lord Jesus Christ and thank Him for not turning his back on me. Thank you Lord Jesus for being with me in my darkest of days and holding me while I weep. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through every day. You're an amazing Father!!!!

A Blessing To Learn...

Time as went by quickly since my family and I had to endure the pain and heartbreak from our unexpected loss of Dakota. We are slowly approaching the sixth month mark, which will be on November 27th. The day before Thanksgiving.

In the past five months, I believe that I have come a good bit a ways since Dakota's passing. At first, I hated to think about it. I didn't want to face it. It was unfair. Why did it have to happen to my baby? What did I do to deserve this? What did Emma do to deserve the loss or what about my husband? These are all questions, where at first I asked.

Over time I have gotten the answer to all of these questions and then some. If you would have asked me five months ago, how loosing my daughter made me feel, I would of come off with I don't know. Every day I would feel something different, whether it be anger, sadness, hostility, or happiness.

I would tell you that I didn't think it was fair that our baby girl had been chosen for a special something for Christ. I would tell you that I didn't believe Jesus would allow me to carry a baby for so long and just yank her away from me in a moments notice.

Of course, as time went on and I allowed myself more time with the Lord, I came to see things differently. I wasn't being punished. I wasn't being forced to go through all of this pain because I wasn't doing it right. Everything I went through with Dakota was a blessing. I was blessed when I became pregnant with her.

Each milestone within the pregnancy was a blessing. Hearing her first heartbeat was a blessing. When we saw her for the first time wiggling around in my womb, was a blessing. We as humans tend to forget that everything in life is a privileged, not something we are entitled to. I came to thank the Lord for blessing me with those tiny kicks, when I could have had none. I thank him for allowing me to hear her heartbeat and to see her on the ultrasound. Those were blessings.

Then, he allowed me to know what sex I was having, a beautiful baby girl. I could have not went as far as I did in the pregnancy. I could have had an early miscarriage and still wonder to this day if she was a boy or a girl. The Lord blessed me enough to give birth. Why? Because it's a privilege., not a right!

I was able to hold my baby girl and kiss her, even though I wasn't able to hear her first cry or see what color her beautiful eyes were. I wasn't privileged to know this. This was something that was only for the Lord to know. If I were blessed with seeing her eyes or hearing her cry, the Lord knew that I wouldn't be able to handle was would have come after.

He didn't allow me to bond with her. You see, the Lord knows what is best for us. He knows what we can handle and what we can't. He knew I wouldn't have been able to see my precious baby girls eyes and hear her cry, then say Good bye. I wasn't strong enough. I agree. I don't think I could have done it.

So I thank the Lord everyday for what He gave me as a privilege to see and come to know. I thank Him for saving me the heartache that would have been caused if He didn't take Dakota when he did. You see everything you go through, it's a blessing.

The blessing isn't about not knowing, it's about knowing and then recognizing the blessing. Once one realizes their blessings, it's up to them on how they handle it. I choose to shout the Lords word and his actions that I have seen, so others can see it too.


You don't have to have had a loss to realize that everything we go through is by the choice of the Lord. It's up to us on how we react. Are we going to use our stories to help others see their blessings? I know I am. So, take a look around you... everything you're stressed about... is a privilege because one day, you'll be able to say... "It will all be okay."

Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

You see that woman standing there?
You see the one right in front of you?
She has untidy hair and overly big clothing.
She looks to be an overall mess.
You hear her laugh and see her smile.
If you look into her eyes, you'd see that her smile isn't sincere!

Her eyes hold a bit of sadness, but did you notice?

Or are you still stuck on the way she looks?

Are you thinking she'd be pretty, if only she took care of herself?

Now STOP with the mind judgning because...

If you knew this woman's story....

If you walked her walk in life....

You'd feel the same way too.

You don't realize that as a child, she was molested. 

You don't realize that as a teen, she was bullied.

You don't realize her overly big clothes are for several reasons.

You wouldn't know it by looking at her, but she's mourning her child she just lost. 

You know the one she carried for nine months in her womb.... the baby that was taken..... too soon.  

She carries on with the life she was given 
but it doesn't mean she's not hurting.

The messy unkempt hair is the last of her worries.
The overly big clothes hide whats left of her baby bump, as she tries to hide the constant reminder of what isn't there.

Then, she walks away from you. 
After she's out of sight, you turn to your friend for a laugh at the woman's expense, not knowing this woman is broken in two.

Change NOW!
STOP the judgements.
Remember everyone doesn't live like you.
We all have our own path.
Be kind with your heart.
Be kind with your mind.

For GOD is the ONLY on who can judge ME!

-- By RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Matthew 7: 1 “Judge not, that you be not judged."

*****

Other Bible Verses on Judging Others

Matthew 7:1-5 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Luke 6:37 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

John 7:24 

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”

James 4:11-12 

Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

James 4:12 

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Romans 2:1-3 

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God?

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Matthew 7:5 

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-2 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

John 8:7 

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Matthew 7:1 

“Judge not, that you be not judged.

Luke 6:31

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Matthew 7:1-29 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. ...

Matthew 6:14-15 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Proverbs 31:9

Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Titus 3:2-7 

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, ...

Luke 6:37-42 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ...

Galatians 5:14 

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Isaiah 11:3 

And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear,

Matthew 12:36-37 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Matthew 7:12 

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Losing A Child

No one ever expects to lose a baby. So when it happens, there isn't a way to prepare yourself. Even if there was a chance that the parents had known. There will never be a way to prepare.

Once the unspeakable happens. People surround you for the first few weeks. Even the people who hadn't been part of your life before the loss.

 They send you sympathy cards or flowers. They call you to see how you're doing. Pretty much their making sure you're not going to go off the deep end such as jumping off a bridge, not eating, making sure you get out of bed. They make sure you don't do what is clearly categorized as crazy, like rocking a baby doll or dressing one up.

The mail continues to flood the bereaved parents with more sympathy cards and then the new baby mail comes. Formula samples. Diaper samples. Free baby magazines and coupons. All the more to remind the parent their baby isn't at home with them. The baby will never be coming home.

You, the mother of the deceased begins to envy each pregnant woman she sees. You feel anger toward them for being pregnant when your pregnancy ended so abruptly and not in a joyful way. After the loss of a child, it seems like every woman around the you becomes pregnant.

The baby stuff lingers throughout the house even though it's not needed. You don't have it in you to rid yourself of the baby stuff.

You feel tired, lost, and afraid of EVERYTHING! The baby you had but didn't have changed everything. It changed all your believes and took your comfort. You now feel vulnerable every minute of everyday, waiting.

You see a new baby and it stabs at your heart. It reminds you what isn't to be. You attend birthday parties for loved ones and see that the firsts will never be. You hear a baby cry which makes you cry. This was one thing you were waiting to hear from the child that will never be.

Your dreams become filled with the nightmare of when you first found out about the loss, up to after the funeral. You remember how you felt when you first heard the words, "there's no heartbeat." You remember how it felt to push your child's lifeless body out of yours. You remember the dreaded time when you had to break the news to the baby's sibling that the baby gain her wings.

You remember the exact shade of pink that covered the casket. You remember where, how, and what you did during the funeral. Every move is forever etched within your mind. You remember the warmth from the sun and the breeze that blew during the funeral. Then after the funeral you are smothered with hugs from various people sharing their condolences. At that moment in time, it seems as if all the air was sucked from earth and you're fighting to breath.

People begin to compare the loss of their grandmother or uncle to the loss of your child. Some how this just doesn't cut it because their loss will NEVER measure up to the loss of your baby. No matter how tragic their loss was.

You realize you have lost a dream and reality slowly begins to slip. What was... will never be. Everything has changed and you must find a way to change with it. The thing is you will NEVER find a way to accept the fact that your baby has died. You learn to live with the pain every day for the rest of your life.

This is how I feel. I am an angel mom. I am real. However, I'm not the victim. I am a survivor. I survived my daughter as a stillbirth. Some how this amazes me. I survived the unthinkable.

Things I Have Noticed Since Becoming An Angel Mommy

I've only been an angel Mom for about four months. In this short amount of time, I have noticed a few things that most don't realize their doing and end up being hurtful towards those who are angel Moms.

As an angel Mom, I want to talk about Dakota. I want to keep her memory alive. So, every chance I get I talk. When I can't talk, I have post cards with the cover of Dakota's story on it that I hand out. I use them as another form of telling people I have an angel as a daughter. I have been through the unthinkable.  The card displays the small symbols on earth that remind me of her. I like to think of her as my butterfly and the Bible verse is one that wouldn't leave my mind the weekend I lost her.


Even though I am hurting on the inside, I am still proud of the little life that I had within me for nine full months. I want to be like any new mommy. I want to tell the world about her. But when I do, people turn away from me. Or they pretend to listen. Why would anyone want to hear about a baby who died? It's so sad.

HELLO!!! That baby who died, is my baby. I want to scream and shout it from the roof tops. I want everyone to know that baby you can't bare to listen about IS alive. It's heartbreaking when those who I think are the closest to me won't even listen. I hear excuse after excuse when I begin talking about Dakota.

Someone out there, please let me talk about my baby girl. Let me tell you how much I love her because I can't tell her. I have all this love for her and I can't share it with her. So, who can I share it with?

Friends and Family: How Can We Help?

For Friends and Family 

 If someone you know has lost a child due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death... you probably have no idea what to do. Our society does not prepare us to deal with grief, our own or someone else's. 

These suggestions and strategies are aimed to help you understand what may be helpful to a grieving parent. As Christians, we have a responsibility to one another, and when one of us grieves, the rest need to act.

Please do not ignore or avoid us. We are grieving a terrible loss of our child and do not want to grieve your absence too.

If you do not know what to say or do, tell us. We really do not know what to say or do. But your presence and patience comfort us.

If we start crying, do not feel like it's your fault for talking to us. We cry a lot and you did not cause our tears. Stay with us while we cry. If we are in public and can't get hold of our tears, take us to a quiet where we can sit down and sit with us.

If you get uncomfortable, please do not leave us. Grief is uncomfortable for both sides.

If we ask you to help us in some way, please do it if you can. If you can't, please look for someone else who can. It is terribly difficult to ask for help, and if we actually do make a request, we really need it.

If we do not ask for help, ask us, "Can I help you with anything?" If we say no, ask again. If we say no again, don't believe us. Find a close friend who knows us well and inquire about ways to help. . .practical stuff, emotional support, or fun distraction like a trip to the coffee shop may be in order.

Daily responsibilities are nightmares for us right now, just another stress we can't handle. Show up at our house with a bag of groceries, a vacuum cleaner, tickets to take our children to the fair, or nothing at all. Just show up. While you visit, pop a load of laundry in the washer.

If you only have 30 free minutes, we don't mind. We will appreciate whatever company you can offer us.

Let us talk about our child and listen as we tell you stories/memories.

Do not say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it is. Tell us you are sorry for the death of our child.

If we get mad at you or say something hurtful, please forgive us. The last thing we want to do is hurt someone, especially someone who is willing to be with us. We are just hurting so much and it comes out in inappropriate ways sometimes.

Please accept that we will feel angry, sad, numb, crazy, and many other things. This will make you uncomfortable, but please don't avoid us. We are more uncomfortable than you can imagine right now.

Please send us a card when you learn of our loss. OR Send us flowers.

Remember our children (if we have any others living). When you visit, bring them a small toy, cool rock, or book you think they might like. And if we forget to express our gratitude for your kindness to our child(ren), it is not intentional rudeness. We are truly grateful for your gesture.

For Those Dealing With Miscarriages

If we have miscarried early in pregnancy (before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage, after 20 weeks the baby is considered stillborn), our response will likely fit into a range: we may be saddened at the loss of the pregnancy, but accept it as a part of having children, or we may grieve the loss as the death of our child. You can figure out how we feel with a question like, "How are you?" If we begin to sob and say "I miss my baby, " then you know where we're at.

Wherever we are on the scale of grief with miscarriage, send us a card. If we are in the more accepting part of the range, an "I'm thinking of you" card is good. If we are grieving the death of our baby, a sympathy card is appropriate.

Please remember significant dates associated with our loss.

* The anniversary of our angel.
* The birthday of our child. (In the case of infant death or miscarriage, these events may be the same date.)
* In the case of miscarriage or stillbirth, ask our due date and remember it. . .for years to come.
* On our birthday and holidays, (especially Mother's Day and Father's Day) we grieve our child. Remember to call us and show you're not/didn't forget.
* If we have no living children, it is even more important to remember Mothers and Fathers Days. We are still parents.

Do not avoid speaking of our loved one. We really want to talk about him or her.

Do not fear you will remind us of our angel, for our baby is always with us and forever on our mind.

If we do not feel up to discussing our child or grief, accept our feelings and move on to another topic.

If you wish to do something beyond offering us your friendship and ear, make a donation to a specific cause. For example, if our child  died of a certain disease, a donation to a research foundation which studies that disease will have very special significance.

Release a balloon in memory of our loved one, and write us a note or take a picture to show that you did this.

Be patient with us. We will not be better all at once. We will seem better then we will seem worse. We will seem at peace then we will be suddenly angry. In fact, we may never be the same again. Please don't expect us to be. And please please do not suggest that we should.

But most of all, pray for and with us. More than any other gesture, we will find comfort in your prayers and presence.

Remember that for every person on the planet and every situation imaginable, there is a different response and grief journey.

This is about the loss of Dakota. She died on May 27, 2013 in my womb, for no known reason. For those of you who have never experienced the loss of a baby, or a child, or any of your loved ones, this will help you walk along side someone who has and is now in a dark place. You can't go there. In fact, you will prefer to walk away and forget about it. But your friend must live with this always. Buck up and offer yourself to one who has lost everything.

Dangers of Caffeine

For the past few weeks, I haven't felt quite right. I thought it was part of the virus/bug I had. I felt tired, weak, and had was really nauseous. It seemed like it only got worse when I ate something and for some reason, I even got severe stomach pain.

After going through the "sick" feelings for about two weeks, I decided that perhaps it was something more than just the normal virus making me feel this way. I began to do a little research. I evaluated my everyday life to see what I was doing that could possibly contribute to the way I feel.

I came across something very surprising. It very well may be that I drink way too much caffeine. Let me explain, I'm not one to drink water. (Yeah, shame on me.. I know) But honestly, most people I know drink a little bit but not the required amount. I start my morning with a pot, yes pot, of coffee. Then, I drink soda. (Bad habits) Toward the afternoon, I make about a half of a pot of coffee and drink it as I'm helping my daughter with her homework. Once it's gone (and I don't always finish every pot I make), I might drink water or juice.

I decided last night that maybe the stomach pains and feeling of nausea was from too much caffeine. As I'm writing this, I'm amazed by how bad my diet really is. I never actually realized it. It was easy to get into this routine with my past experiences with eating. As some of you know, I am currently recovering from a full mouth extraction and getting dentures. (No the diet is not the cause) Over the past five years, my diet changed from solids to liquids because I couldn't chew. Therefore, coffee helped take away the hunger feeling and gave me the energy I needed to get through the day. The end resulted in how I'm living now.

So, if you're like me... before your problem becomes worse or even your health... you may want to continue reading about the Dangers of Caffeine. (I didn't realize how bad it actually is for you)

1. Caffeine can help contribute in Panic Attacks. When drinking caffeine, it wakes us up. (One reason people love to drink it) It causes the "fight-or-flight" response in our body. When consuming high amounts of caffeine, fight-or-flight instinct gets reduced to panic attacks. Some reaction that can occur are your hands becoming sweaty, your heart quickens, you experience shakiness, and then even may feel like something bad is going to happen. (Panic attack)

2. Caffeine is addictive. Yes, not sure if you knew this but it is. It's just like any other type of drug out there. Our bodies get used to the caffeine we ingest every day. Once there's an ongoing pattern, we even crave the caffeine. If the craving isn't addressed... we can have negative side affects like headaches, being tired, irritable, and even feel depressed.

3. Caffeine contributes to dehydration. Even though coffee, soda, and any other drinks that contain caffeine are liquid... caffeine can dehydrate you. So, in reality... it's not a great thing. I'm sure you agree.

4. Caffeine can be connected to stomach cramping and feeling nausea. When drinking caffeine in a short amount of time (depending on your tolerance) this can make you nauseous. Some people drink coffee in the morning, maybe a soda at lunch, and drink tea for the remaining parts of the day with little to no water in between. This is an over load of caffeine. And not so great for your body. It can cause anxiety, jitters, headaches, lightheadedness , in addition to the nausea.


So from doing this research, I know I'll be slowing down and watching my intake of caffeine. I deal with anxiety issues and depression. This started even before I began my intake of so much caffeine. The caffeine just makes those symptoms worse. I know I'll struggle with finding other (non caffeine) drinks to drink during the day.... but I got to find out if this is the reasons why I feel sick.

How much caffeine do you consume in a day? Did you find this post useful?

Living With Depression and Anxiety

The title says it all. I'm currently battling depression and anxiety. I have been since I was a child. I recall as I was growing up, everyone calling my emotional turns as "RaeBeth moments." When in reality, it was depression and anxiety. When I'd be having an emotional day, family would ask me, "Is it raining in your world?" Both of these "tags" were given to me even though deep down inside they hurt my feelings. I didn’t, and still don't, understand what's going on.

I have been to several different doctors about this and I have tried many different medications. I have lost people within my life because they just couldn't handle my "difficult" attitude. When in reality, they couldn't handle me with depression. At times, I don’t feel like even getting out of bed. I just want to sleep. I even say that I hate my life. I hate the depression and anxiety. I hate that people around me take it as a joke and not something serious. They take me as a joke and not serious. When deep down inside, I just want them to understand.

I want the jokes to stop. I don't want to feel worthless in everything I do. I want to feel loved and respected. There has been many times where I contemplated taking my own life. But then my daughter's beautiful smiling face comes into my mind. I can't bare leaving her behind. I don't want her to grow up without her mother. So, I get up and push on. I have a hard time with normal daily tasks. Ones that others find second nature to them. Such as fixing my hair or doing my makeup.

There are days where I just feel over-whelmed and it seems the entire world is against me. Like everyone is out to get me. On days such as today, I don't want to be around people. I only want the comfort of my home. I hardly leave my house. It takes me everything I have and everything I am just to get ready knowing that eventually I have to walk out the door. Once I am out my door, I do have fun. I do enjoy the time. It's just pushing myself to do it that is hard.

I find myself making excuses when it comes to family gatherings and holidays where I will be around a lot of people. I just don't like leaving my home. If I'm out shopping, I try to keep myself close to one of the exits to ensure that if a panic attack comes on, I can leave without making a scene. I keep my cell phone in hand (if my fiancé and daughter go off while I do the shopping) so I can easily call him and tell him that it's time to go. This happens to me all the time.

Life with depression and anxiety is hard. Every day it seems as if you’re on a roller coaster of emotions. But you just don’t know which emotion will hit you first. I wish for each tear that I cry; that's how many more people understand depression and see that it's real. Each tear that falls, I wish that just one more person will look at me like I'm human and not just "over-emotional." FYI I can't control the emotions therefore over-emotional doesn't even begin to describe what I feel.

In conclusion, it seems that medications only make it worse and talking to a complete stranger isn't what I call logic.... the best way I can figure to deal with this is to talk about it and find someone out there that understands. Someone I can talk to and confide in without the fear of judgment. I know that person is out there; if so, I'm begging you, PLEASE find me.