Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.

I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

After the kids are in bed, I sit comfortably in my overly fluffy recliner when I get my chance to relax from the long day. As I sit here, I am surrounded by different memorial items that remind me of my precious daughter, Dakota. Images of her lifeless body beautifully positioned line my walls. Angel figurines line my shelves. A butterfly wind chime hangs from the floor lamp that's surrounded with a rainbow scarf. All of these bring me to tears when I actually sit and look at them. The corner shelf that sits behind me holds the plaster molds of the only thing that makes me feel close to her...her hands and feet. I pick them up, gently hold them and caress them while wishing it was really her that I was touching. Oh, to feel her skin against mine again. My heart breaks many times over during a single day for my daughter who was taken too soon from me. At times when I am in a slump and overloaded with grief, I'll grab my phone, put my ear buds in, and play the songs I have saved under a playlist just for her. There in that comfy chair, I cry for the daughter I only have spiritually. 

Day after day, for the past year and eight months, I've mourned the loss of my daughter. I sit and wonder when will this pain end? When will I be over the grieving and the pain of her absence? 

I've lost loved ones before. However, it's completely different losing your daughter compared to an Uncle or Grandparent. Grief lingers on for years after the loss of a child. I'm well aware of this because I know other angel parents who have been on this path for sixteen or more years. Guess what, they still feel the same way they did on the day they learned of their loss. 

In society, it seems as if one is expected to feel grief and mourn for several months after the loss. After a few months, it seems as if grieving for longer periods of time is unacceptable. It's like by then the person should be over it by then. Beyond the few month mark, a lot of people go back to life the way they lived it before the loss and assume those closest to the passed, has moved on too. 

I am here to tell you that way of thinking couldn't be more wrong. The loss of a child leaves a void in your life and in your heart for years to come. I believe it'll remain there until you're reunited with the child you never had the chance to know. 

Now that a year has passed and we're slowly making our way to the two-year mark, grieving for me has went from doing it openly to doing it in the privacy of my own home. (Normally in the shower because for some reason it's embarrassing to cry for my daughter.) There are only a select few that I choose to discuss my pain and grief with now. A year ago, I was shouting it to anyone that would listen. 

Is it okay to admit that I still feel the same way today as I did on the day I found out she didn't have her precious heartbeat?

I've been praying for the Lord to ease this pain and to make the grief manageable. I ask him to make it manageable and not take it fully away because I believe with the grief, I have been brought closer to him. I believe the grief that has been given to me is....a gift. 

The shattered heart, endless tears, the endless yanking at the strings of your heart, and the screams of overwhelming pain would be something that would make anyone want to run away from. It'd make anyone want to turn away and run in the opposite direction. But if we're willing, if we are open to accepting this gift from the Lord, this gift of grief, we will discover the blessings which are hidden within the creases of grief. 

When we (human beings) were created, we were created to live in the beautiful Garden of Eden without the feelings of loss let alone any grief. We weren't designed to experience the hardship we face today. Grief tends to focus on the eternal values in life by making us remember the lessons were taught in the moments of the loss of our child. It helps us see exactly what matters and want doesn't. It tends to help us value our time here on earth and guides us to use every second with purpose. Before the experience of grief, God and Heaven seem to be in the back of our minds, buried beneath a to-do list, as well as our hopes and dreams list. Grief pushes God and Heaven to the front of our minds and we tend to focus more on Him once we have experienced loss. Loss reminds us that in our time, we will be united with our loved ones in Heaven one day. Thus, giving us hope. 

To experience grief like I have, to the extent that I have has taught me a valuable lesson and made me think of things that had never crossed my mind before. I find myself dreaming of the day I get to pass from this life into the waiting arms of Jesus Christ. I find myself dreaming of what a day that will be. I imagine how the warmth of the sun will warm me as I experience true happiness for the first time. Once again, grief is a gift.

Death tends to remind us of our time here on earth and it reminds us that life isn't promised. Tomorrow isn't promised. Therefore, in our midst of grief we long to live a full life that's pleasing to our Lord and Savior. It makes us take a look at our priorities we have for ourselves and adjust them accordingly. It motivates us to be more disciplined in Christ and live a life full of faith. Grief's gift is a reality check. 

The loss of my child took me to the end of my strength which made me rely fully on God's strength to get by. I can't stop grieving for my daughter. I feel powerless against the overwhelming feelings that I have. It's only through God's strength that I have made it this far. It's His strength that helps me face a new day and with that all the new challenges that I come across. 

I have found grief as a gift through relationships. When we experience a deep loss, like the one I did, we tend to feel needier than what we once were. Therefore, not only do we find strong relationships with those who the Lord placed in our lives, but we also build a stronger relationship with Him. Grief leads us to pray more, thus building the relationship that matters the most. My relationship with Christ. Prayer always brings us closer to Christ. It inspires us to communicate with Him, because He's the ONLY one who can comfort us the way we need. The voids we feel are filled only by Him. Although the Lord won't remove those voids from our lives, he will fill them and embrace us with his love, strength, and compassion. Grief helps us to value our loved ones who are still here with us more. It shows us that they are meant to be here with you to give you a physical sense of being and comfort. It helps us to value these people because the grief made it easy to see their value in our life. Aren't we supposed to look at others as the Lord would? Grief helps us to do that. It gives us a glimpse into how we are supposed to live life ALL THE TIME, not just in the time of hardships. 

By viewing grief as a gift, we open ourselves for the Lord and for the blessings He has in store for us!

I truly can't wait to experience the blessing of Life with the grief I will carry on until I am resting in the arms of my Savior. 

Still in Disbelief- Disrespect as it's MAX

One thing that I have been boiling over and can't seem to let go is when a man allows his best friend to openly disrespect his wife! Yep, you read that right. I am that woman who was recently disrespected by my husbands best friend. Every marriage will have it's ups and downs! I feel that if a man loves his wife, he'd do everything to protect her. He would NEVER allow someone to do this. 

My husband and I were having a typical argument within our marriage. Things were said that we didn't mean. It even came close to one of us leaving. However, this didn't concern my husbands best friend. 

On the 9th of November, I was getting my son ready for church when I got these messages from my husbands best friend:

Let me explain what is being talked about: This friend (which I'm going to name Donkey) needed a ride to pick up his car in another state about an hour away. My husband did not tell me that he agreed to help until just a few minutes before Donkey showed up. I had made plans with Sunshine for the day where she'd be able to spend it with her Daddy. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Not only that but Hubby left here and forgot some VERY important things that I needed for the kids. Of course this didn't leave me happy.

Now, as for the kids. Up to this point, I felt as if my Husband didn't want our marriage any longer. However, this wasn't anyone's concern, except for ours. We have had fights before and my emergency plan is to go to my Mothers. Of course I would take my children with me because their father couldn't have them with the way he works. He works too much to give them the proper attention. Where this is Donkey's business??? Beats me! 

Needless to say I followed his advice and removed any and ALL contact I had with him. Not only was he supposed to be my husbands friend, he was supposed to be mine as well. Here I am thinking I am being a friend to him when I am keeping a secret of his. She's pregnant after a miscarriage, so I didn't want to add any more stress to her. 

When I addressed this situation with Hubby, he told me that Donkey was allowed to have his own opinion. He said that this was okay. WHAT!!! How in the world is it okay for him to talk to me like that? I'm writing this post because it hurts me. To this day, Hubby still talks to Donkey like nothing happened, all the while I'm still hurting over what was said.

1. I am a very loving and caring person. Example: I opened my home to Donkey on multiple occasions when he had no where else to go.

2. Sorry, Sir but it seems as if you have a thing for drama. If you truly knew me, you'd know that I am the type of person who avoids it at all costs. I have my own drama in my life... I don't need you adding to it. 

3. If you are going to tell me what my God thinks of me... perhaps you should get it right! Go read the Bible and then come talk to me. My God is a very forgiving God and doesn't hold a grudge. He knows that his people will have attacks on their marriages from Satan. However, since we turned to the Lord once again, we are doing just fine.

Pregnant after a Loss- Part 1

 *Warning writing my thoughts as they happen, therefore they may jump around a bit.*

When I became a mom for the first time, I never thought I could love another so much. Then, I gave birth to an angel... and have so much more love for another who isn't physically with me. I love my children so much... it physically hurts. For my oldest daughter, I worry everyday about her well being and whether or not she'll be leaving me next. Isn't that crazy?? I hate thinking this way but my security in life has been pulled away from me and I walk by Faith alone.

But... I am NOT perfect. I struggle with putting it all in the Lords hands and moving forward. But hey... I'm only human. Lately I find myself missing my angel daughter more than ever. Her first birthday is coming up on the 27th. It hurts so bad knowing that I'm planning a memorial birthday party at her grave, instead of at the park where she'll be playing with her sister and cousins. I have the main idea of how I'd like the party to go, but when it comes to actually planning it... I can't. It hurts so bad! 

 

Meanwhile, I need to keep the stress on myself down as much as possible for our little boy. It's hard to do though because as the pregnancy progresses... the more fear rises within me. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid to move, breath, or even live because I don't want to loose him. I'm part of several groups on Facebook for grieving parents and I felt the need to leave them because they added into the fear that we would loose our rainbow too. 

 

I often find myself feeling a bunch of emotions when it comes to our angel and our rainbow. I'm so happy the Lord has blessed us so soon with our rainbow. However, I can't help but to feel as if we have been cheated out of the love we have for our angel. We dreamed for 40 weeks and 5 days of this little girl. We dreamed of what life would be like with two girls instead of one. After nine months of dreams, our lives were turned upside down. 

 

Instead of bringing our daughter home in her brand new outfit and car seat, we left the hospital empty handed. Our little girl had been taken from us but those hopes for our little girl were still very much alive, as they are now. I can't help but to think I have been cheated. My little girl was taken from me and replaced by a boy. Don't get me wrong...we are super excited to be having a boy. However, it's bittersweet. 

 

It's especially hard when everyone around me is pregnant with girls or just had their little girl. With each pregnancy I've had, we hoped for a boy and were blessed with girls. This one time in my life, I wanted so badly to have a girl. I know I'm coming across as selfish or whatever, but unless you have been where I am...you have no idea what it feels like. I can't help but to feel jealous of those who are preparing for a little girl.

 

I personally can say that this journey with pregnancy after a loss is hard. Especially when it's not even a year later and I'm expecting again. I feel guilty for all these feelings and thoughts. I even find it hard to bond with the little guy within me. I fear that if I do... he'll be taken away too. I'm so afraid to do anything. I find myself freaking out when I haven't felt him move in a while. So, I run off to grab the heart doppler, lay down, and frantically search for his heartbeat. If I don't find it right away, I begin to panic and cry thinking it's happening again. Then, I faintly hear it. Relief floods through me and I can relax. 

 

I can honestly say that pregnancy isn't all joyful for me and I don't believe it will ever be again. The innocents I once had during my pregnancy is gone for good. So, for you Momma's out there who haven't been forced down this dreadful path, take that as a blessing. For you know what it's like to feel pure joy and happiness that I will not feel again.

Until next time... take care and God Bless...

Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

You see that woman standing there?
You see the one right in front of you?
She has untidy hair and overly big clothing.
She looks to be an overall mess.
You hear her laugh and see her smile.
If you look into her eyes, you'd see that her smile isn't sincere!

Her eyes hold a bit of sadness, but did you notice?

Or are you still stuck on the way she looks?

Are you thinking she'd be pretty, if only she took care of herself?

Now STOP with the mind judgning because...

If you knew this woman's story....

If you walked her walk in life....

You'd feel the same way too.

You don't realize that as a child, she was molested. 

You don't realize that as a teen, she was bullied.

You don't realize her overly big clothes are for several reasons.

You wouldn't know it by looking at her, but she's mourning her child she just lost. 

You know the one she carried for nine months in her womb.... the baby that was taken..... too soon.  

She carries on with the life she was given 
but it doesn't mean she's not hurting.

The messy unkempt hair is the last of her worries.
The overly big clothes hide whats left of her baby bump, as she tries to hide the constant reminder of what isn't there.

Then, she walks away from you. 
After she's out of sight, you turn to your friend for a laugh at the woman's expense, not knowing this woman is broken in two.

Change NOW!
STOP the judgements.
Remember everyone doesn't live like you.
We all have our own path.
Be kind with your heart.
Be kind with your mind.

For GOD is the ONLY on who can judge ME!

-- By RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Matthew 7: 1 “Judge not, that you be not judged."

*****

Other Bible Verses on Judging Others

Matthew 7:1-5 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Luke 6:37 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

John 7:24 

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”

James 4:11-12 

Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

James 4:12 

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Romans 2:1-3 

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God?

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Matthew 7:5 

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-2 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

John 8:7 

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Matthew 7:1 

“Judge not, that you be not judged.

Luke 6:31

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Matthew 7:1-29 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. ...

Matthew 6:14-15 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Proverbs 31:9

Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Titus 3:2-7 

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, ...

Luke 6:37-42 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ...

Galatians 5:14 

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Isaiah 11:3 

And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear,

Matthew 12:36-37 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Matthew 7:12 

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Inside of my Story...

"We lost her. We lost the baby." - This was the first thing I said to my baby sister as reality set in on the day my husband, daughter, and I lost our much anticipated newest addition to our family to stillbirth. Dakota Emily Buda was born into heaven on May 27, 2013. From that point on, my life has changed in so many ways.

At this point, I wonder if anyone even cares. It's like the moment someone hears the words, "my baby died" they turn their attention else where. It's so hard to know when I can fully express myself and my feelings. As a person grieving, I'm the type who needs to express how I feel or these feeling will kill me on the inside.

 Everyday is a struggle. I wake with an attitude where I don't want the heartache to control me, but sometimes the pain over rides me. Anything can add to this as well. As of lately, it seems as if I am seeing newborn baby girls and pregnant women everywhere. Of course, it hurts like hell. But I'm to the point where I feel, expressing myself is wrong. People are tired of hearing it. They're getting annoyed. Although this may not be the case, it's how I feel.

I hate it. It's like I'm living in this world alone. Yes, I know other angel mommies but their many miles away from me. A virtual hug is nothing close to the real thing. It's sad to say, but I don't even have my husband to talk to. It hurts him too much to talk. So, he'd rather not talk about Dakota.

Where are all those people that hugged me on the day of Dakota's funeral, while telling me, "If you need anything...anything at all. Call me. I will be there. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. I will be there."

Phone call after phone call.... it's one excuse after another. Sorry I can't talk because.... that's how it always starts. So much for being there for me.

STOP and I mean STOP telling me I need to see a doctor. If and when I decide I NEED one, I'll seek one. But right now, I have GOD. He's the ultimate doctor. If He can't heal me (which isn't possible) then who can? STOP telling me I'm not giving it all to Christ, because I am. You don't see me behind closed doors, sitting on my bed, and crying out in prayer over my Bible.

I'm tired of people telling me how to grieve or what isn't right about what I am doing. EVERYONE does their own ways when it comes to grieving. I hate when you do this. It makes me feel worse.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE LEFT ALONE? I'll let you know when I need you, but when I do... I'm looking for comfort... not for the "advice" of going to a shrink. In all honesty, I have yet to find one in my area that my insurance pays for.... that IS an angel parent. No text book out there can tell me how to get better.

In closing, back off and let me breath. Believe me... I know when I'm not okay and I'll know when and if I need the help of a doctor. But for now.... let me..... be me!!!

Losing A Child

No one ever expects to lose a baby. So when it happens, there isn't a way to prepare yourself. Even if there was a chance that the parents had known. There will never be a way to prepare.

Once the unspeakable happens. People surround you for the first few weeks. Even the people who hadn't been part of your life before the loss.

 They send you sympathy cards or flowers. They call you to see how you're doing. Pretty much their making sure you're not going to go off the deep end such as jumping off a bridge, not eating, making sure you get out of bed. They make sure you don't do what is clearly categorized as crazy, like rocking a baby doll or dressing one up.

The mail continues to flood the bereaved parents with more sympathy cards and then the new baby mail comes. Formula samples. Diaper samples. Free baby magazines and coupons. All the more to remind the parent their baby isn't at home with them. The baby will never be coming home.

You, the mother of the deceased begins to envy each pregnant woman she sees. You feel anger toward them for being pregnant when your pregnancy ended so abruptly and not in a joyful way. After the loss of a child, it seems like every woman around the you becomes pregnant.

The baby stuff lingers throughout the house even though it's not needed. You don't have it in you to rid yourself of the baby stuff.

You feel tired, lost, and afraid of EVERYTHING! The baby you had but didn't have changed everything. It changed all your believes and took your comfort. You now feel vulnerable every minute of everyday, waiting.

You see a new baby and it stabs at your heart. It reminds you what isn't to be. You attend birthday parties for loved ones and see that the firsts will never be. You hear a baby cry which makes you cry. This was one thing you were waiting to hear from the child that will never be.

Your dreams become filled with the nightmare of when you first found out about the loss, up to after the funeral. You remember how you felt when you first heard the words, "there's no heartbeat." You remember how it felt to push your child's lifeless body out of yours. You remember the dreaded time when you had to break the news to the baby's sibling that the baby gain her wings.

You remember the exact shade of pink that covered the casket. You remember where, how, and what you did during the funeral. Every move is forever etched within your mind. You remember the warmth from the sun and the breeze that blew during the funeral. Then after the funeral you are smothered with hugs from various people sharing their condolences. At that moment in time, it seems as if all the air was sucked from earth and you're fighting to breath.

People begin to compare the loss of their grandmother or uncle to the loss of your child. Some how this just doesn't cut it because their loss will NEVER measure up to the loss of your baby. No matter how tragic their loss was.

You realize you have lost a dream and reality slowly begins to slip. What was... will never be. Everything has changed and you must find a way to change with it. The thing is you will NEVER find a way to accept the fact that your baby has died. You learn to live with the pain every day for the rest of your life.

This is how I feel. I am an angel mom. I am real. However, I'm not the victim. I am a survivor. I survived my daughter as a stillbirth. Some how this amazes me. I survived the unthinkable.

Anger and Lonely With a Touch of Broken

Dear God I am so angry today. Nothing I do makes me not angry. There are so many things that I have seen which added to my anger and I have only been awake for a few hours. I feel like I could kick and scream like a child. The hurt I feel is so unexplainable. I feel like people and my family have already forgotten my little butterfly Dakota. I am angry that they aren't sad anymore. It's not fair that I am still in this stand still while they moved on. You would think that since Dakota was their blood family, it'd still hurt. But I was wrong.

Someone had told me..."How can you miss someone you never met, kiss, or held?" That's the thing, these people did meet her. They did kiss her. They did hold her. Some had seen the pain front hand with me.

At times I feel like people avoid me or have forgotten about us. We are still hurting. We still need them but it doesn't seem like they are there. I have seen so many people come out of the wood work (for the lack of better words) the day my daughter passed and on the day of her funeral. I heard so many times... I am here if you need me. Call me anytime. Day or Night." I have called but most of the time, people don't answer their phone. I'm left to go to my room to scream and cry it out.... alone. I'm so tired of being physically alone.

I have a huge support system online but they can't help when I physically feel that I need a hug or a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

It's been three months and this emotional roller coaster is a nightmare. This path is really a lonely one to walk because no one around me (besides my husband) knows how I feel. No one knows what to say. I'm alone and it hurts so bad!

Dangers of Caffeine

For the past few weeks, I haven't felt quite right. I thought it was part of the virus/bug I had. I felt tired, weak, and had was really nauseous. It seemed like it only got worse when I ate something and for some reason, I even got severe stomach pain.

After going through the "sick" feelings for about two weeks, I decided that perhaps it was something more than just the normal virus making me feel this way. I began to do a little research. I evaluated my everyday life to see what I was doing that could possibly contribute to the way I feel.

I came across something very surprising. It very well may be that I drink way too much caffeine. Let me explain, I'm not one to drink water. (Yeah, shame on me.. I know) But honestly, most people I know drink a little bit but not the required amount. I start my morning with a pot, yes pot, of coffee. Then, I drink soda. (Bad habits) Toward the afternoon, I make about a half of a pot of coffee and drink it as I'm helping my daughter with her homework. Once it's gone (and I don't always finish every pot I make), I might drink water or juice.

I decided last night that maybe the stomach pains and feeling of nausea was from too much caffeine. As I'm writing this, I'm amazed by how bad my diet really is. I never actually realized it. It was easy to get into this routine with my past experiences with eating. As some of you know, I am currently recovering from a full mouth extraction and getting dentures. (No the diet is not the cause) Over the past five years, my diet changed from solids to liquids because I couldn't chew. Therefore, coffee helped take away the hunger feeling and gave me the energy I needed to get through the day. The end resulted in how I'm living now.

So, if you're like me... before your problem becomes worse or even your health... you may want to continue reading about the Dangers of Caffeine. (I didn't realize how bad it actually is for you)

1. Caffeine can help contribute in Panic Attacks. When drinking caffeine, it wakes us up. (One reason people love to drink it) It causes the "fight-or-flight" response in our body. When consuming high amounts of caffeine, fight-or-flight instinct gets reduced to panic attacks. Some reaction that can occur are your hands becoming sweaty, your heart quickens, you experience shakiness, and then even may feel like something bad is going to happen. (Panic attack)

2. Caffeine is addictive. Yes, not sure if you knew this but it is. It's just like any other type of drug out there. Our bodies get used to the caffeine we ingest every day. Once there's an ongoing pattern, we even crave the caffeine. If the craving isn't addressed... we can have negative side affects like headaches, being tired, irritable, and even feel depressed.

3. Caffeine contributes to dehydration. Even though coffee, soda, and any other drinks that contain caffeine are liquid... caffeine can dehydrate you. So, in reality... it's not a great thing. I'm sure you agree.

4. Caffeine can be connected to stomach cramping and feeling nausea. When drinking caffeine in a short amount of time (depending on your tolerance) this can make you nauseous. Some people drink coffee in the morning, maybe a soda at lunch, and drink tea for the remaining parts of the day with little to no water in between. This is an over load of caffeine. And not so great for your body. It can cause anxiety, jitters, headaches, lightheadedness , in addition to the nausea.


So from doing this research, I know I'll be slowing down and watching my intake of caffeine. I deal with anxiety issues and depression. This started even before I began my intake of so much caffeine. The caffeine just makes those symptoms worse. I know I'll struggle with finding other (non caffeine) drinks to drink during the day.... but I got to find out if this is the reasons why I feel sick.

How much caffeine do you consume in a day? Did you find this post useful?

Living With Depression and Anxiety

The title says it all. I'm currently battling depression and anxiety. I have been since I was a child. I recall as I was growing up, everyone calling my emotional turns as "RaeBeth moments." When in reality, it was depression and anxiety. When I'd be having an emotional day, family would ask me, "Is it raining in your world?" Both of these "tags" were given to me even though deep down inside they hurt my feelings. I didn’t, and still don't, understand what's going on.

I have been to several different doctors about this and I have tried many different medications. I have lost people within my life because they just couldn't handle my "difficult" attitude. When in reality, they couldn't handle me with depression. At times, I don’t feel like even getting out of bed. I just want to sleep. I even say that I hate my life. I hate the depression and anxiety. I hate that people around me take it as a joke and not something serious. They take me as a joke and not serious. When deep down inside, I just want them to understand.

I want the jokes to stop. I don't want to feel worthless in everything I do. I want to feel loved and respected. There has been many times where I contemplated taking my own life. But then my daughter's beautiful smiling face comes into my mind. I can't bare leaving her behind. I don't want her to grow up without her mother. So, I get up and push on. I have a hard time with normal daily tasks. Ones that others find second nature to them. Such as fixing my hair or doing my makeup.

There are days where I just feel over-whelmed and it seems the entire world is against me. Like everyone is out to get me. On days such as today, I don't want to be around people. I only want the comfort of my home. I hardly leave my house. It takes me everything I have and everything I am just to get ready knowing that eventually I have to walk out the door. Once I am out my door, I do have fun. I do enjoy the time. It's just pushing myself to do it that is hard.

I find myself making excuses when it comes to family gatherings and holidays where I will be around a lot of people. I just don't like leaving my home. If I'm out shopping, I try to keep myself close to one of the exits to ensure that if a panic attack comes on, I can leave without making a scene. I keep my cell phone in hand (if my fiancé and daughter go off while I do the shopping) so I can easily call him and tell him that it's time to go. This happens to me all the time.

Life with depression and anxiety is hard. Every day it seems as if you’re on a roller coaster of emotions. But you just don’t know which emotion will hit you first. I wish for each tear that I cry; that's how many more people understand depression and see that it's real. Each tear that falls, I wish that just one more person will look at me like I'm human and not just "over-emotional." FYI I can't control the emotions therefore over-emotional doesn't even begin to describe what I feel.

In conclusion, it seems that medications only make it worse and talking to a complete stranger isn't what I call logic.... the best way I can figure to deal with this is to talk about it and find someone out there that understands. Someone I can talk to and confide in without the fear of judgment. I know that person is out there; if so, I'm begging you, PLEASE find me.

Block in The Road to My Smile

I previously posted that I was going to the dentist this past Friday. I wanted to keep my friends and family updated with my blog. So, here's the latest update.

I woke Friday morning and decided to double check the Aspen Dental website to ensure that I had all needed paper work for the appointment. As I was checking this out, I noticed a Questions and Answers page that I didn't notice before I made my appointment. As I was reading over this page, I noticed that it said they didn't take my "insurance". In fact, they don't consider state benefits as insurance. I had no choice but to cancel with them.

I decided that I would call the insurance company to see what dentists took this coverage. This way it'd save me time and in the long run gas. I found out there's two in my area that accepts it. That was good news. But the young lady I spoke with wanted to go over the coverage with me. She told me that I have the lowest benefits a person could have. This means, that no matter what dentist I go to, getting my teeth done wasn't going to happen. They only pay for examinations every 6 months and basic root canals. Well, if you know my situation, this isn't what I need. I need more than that.

So, now I have to fill out a paper to send back to the assistance office to see if they can help me any further to have my teeth fixed before they kill me.

If you don't really know how bad my teeth are... let me explain...

I am not a doctor so these are only guesses... I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder. I do believe this was caused because of how I feel about my appearance when it comes to my teeth. My body hurts. I feel tired all the time. And my face just doesn't feel quite right. I am in constant pain. It doesn't stop with any over the counter pain meds. I am on a liquid diet which means soups for me. I mainly drink coffee, milk, and tea to help with the hunger. (There's only so much a person can take of soups).

So, there you have it. The wonderful update. Thanks for reading.