Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.

I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

The Uncomfortable Truth

Trust & Forgiveness

My biggest struggles in life right now.

A lot has happened to get me to the point in my life where

I struggle to forgive this particular person. You see.. when I thought I 

had forgiven them, something came up to show me that this person wasn't being the person

they were putting off. They would repeatedly do the exact things to hurt me, yet expect

me to continually forgive them..

... and I did because what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't forgive those

who has wrong me like Christ forgave those who wronged him? 

At times, I feel as if these feelings were going to consume me; leaving me unable to trust

fully once again. A lot of the time, I found myself living these past struggles, instead of enjoying 

the here and now. I couldn't help it though. 

The thought of this person being in these situations.. doing the things they did... replay in my mind 

like a movie I never intended to see. I often wonder if the words of encouragement, love, and endearment are real or if they're just a cover for more things going wrong. I struggled to set boundaries for myself; telling myself to let go. I remembered thinking that if I could just forgive...then I could move on. Then I wondered if it were pointless or worth saving.

I am often faced with the dilemma of... "Is it time to walk away to save me?" When is it okay to stop the hurt and say that it's enough?

Apology after apology.

Wrongdoing after wrongdoing.

Lies.

Deceit.

Secrets.

It's like a never-ending cycle. 

I can't make them change, regardless of how much I desire for them to do so. I try to talk with them, so they know the way I feel. This goes either one of two ways...

1. They never have anything to say....

OR

2. Their actions are a result of my inaction.

Then, I feel like I hit a brick wall.... again.

Communication halted.

A few days pass...

and we go on like nothing happened.

Everything was swept under the rug.

Except now...

now I am expected to carry on while carrying 

the hurt, anger, and pain.  

Never seems as if the cycle will end...

... unless....

I walk away.

Walking away....

the thought hurts and questions take over.

My heart aches thinking about it

but I know I have a choice to make.

They say history repeats itself...

... does this pertain to relationships?

If only they would fully open up and talk.

Put into action the words that they speak.

Show love...ALL the time. Not for a week and then go right back.

- Anonymous 

Journal Entry #1

~

Dear God,

Where have you been? 

Why did ou leave me?

I just don't understand. Life is hard right now. I've prayed and prayed for your help, but I haven't gotten an answer to even one prayer! I tithe. I pray. I help out in the community; sharing Your Word and telling people about you. Yet, here I am confused, angry, and disappointed. I'm confused because I was told that you'd always be there for me and that you have great plans for me, yet I can't pay my bills and I'm living out of my family's home. Then, I thought this move was for something that had to do with your great plan, but I find that it's been more stress, heartache, and displacement. 

The anger and hatred that flows through this home are unbearable at times. I don't understand. Why did you show me that this was part of my story and have it be a roller coaster of arguments, tears, and pain? 

I truly thought this was the best option. I thought it'd make things easier for me and my family; only to find more anxiety. I tried to push the enemy away, but he's extremely strong at times. He seems to overtake everyone here and attitudes shoot to the sky. Sarcasm overflows. The actions of those I'm around, do not reflect you and I wonder where you are. 

When tension is on the rise, I feel as if I'm alone. I don't understand it. I've been through so much in life and it seems to keep coming at me like waves in the sea; one after another. They hit so hard. Some have managed to knock me over, but I struggle to get back up and push forward. Haven't I been through enough? When will my life fall into place? When will I have the desires of my heart? 

It's to the point where I'm about to give up. I can't take this anymore. I can't take the confusion within my life and the stress. I can't take the constant emotional roller coaster that's been heavily clouding this house. Please, help me!!

Love,

Me

*****

My Precious Daughter, 

I haven't left you. Nor will I ever. I wouldn't ever forsake you, especially in this difficult time. You are so important to me and I love you. I rejoice every time I hear you telling someone about me. I rejoice when I hear you singing your praises to Me. It may seem as if I'm quiet, distant, or absent. However, that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been right beside you the entire time. I promise you that everything you're going through is worth it. Just wait...you'll see. I understand the pain and I promise you...it isn't for nothing. Everything is important and you matter so much to me. I know everything about you.I know the moment you rise in the morning, each thought that comes into your mind, and I know the words you're going to say before they are even formed on your lips. I know how many strands of hair is on your head. Even when it seems like I'm far away, I'm still with you. 

I've been trying to fight my way into the home you speak of, however, it's hard when so many are closing off their ears to my whispers. I see the tears and the heartache within the home. Believe me, I know the lies of the enemy and the temptations he creates to distract you from me. I hear the lies he's whispering. My child, call upon me when you're being tempted and I will always come to you. For I have already won that battle the day I was crucified.  When Satan is present, push the darkness away and cover yourself in the light. 

My daughter, remember you are NEVER alone. Those are just more lies of the enemy. As I have promised, I am always with you and I love you. My thoughts and blessings are poured out to you and I promise everything will fall into place when the time is perfect. Just wait and see. Don't give up. The brokenness of your family can be changed if all turn to me and push out the enemy. I can restore your hopes in your future and I can remove the pain of your heart. I can fill your life with joy and cast away each burden. I can heal you and restore you. Just open your ears to my whispers, hear my voice, and remember I love you!

Love Always,

God

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Wave of Light.

 ‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬ ‪#‎october15th‬ ‪#‎waveoflight‬

I found out about the meaning behind October 15th shortly after we lost our angel. On October 15th, the world stops for the day and remembers their babies who have been taken too soon. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness Month and on the 15th of the month, we light a candle at 7 PM and let it burn for an hour in memory of these babies. 

For the past two years, I have joined in with the Wave of Light to honor my daughter, Dakota. The images below are her candles burning. It brings my heart joy when I see friends and family join me on this special day!! (Thank you to those who have joined in.)

Wave of Light 2013

Wave of Light 2014

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The writing prompt for today is on normalizing grief. Some believe that this journey is nothing but heartache and pain. I wrote a post earlier this year that I believe ties into this post. You can view it here: Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

In addition to the post, my thoughts for today are this:

Grief is what you make of it. At first, it's hard. Actually, it's very hard. When I started my journey, I felt defeated and powerless. It took me close to two years to realize that I was allowing the grief to

control my life and that's when I decided to take control. I wasn't going to submit to it any longer. Yes, my daughter was here. Yes, my daughter died. However, I didn't have to stay in the state of loss and feeling sadness over it. Instead, I pulled myself together and started honoring her life in more than one way.

The first thing I decided to do was bring to light that she existed so I needed to tell the world. I managed to do this by writing our journey in a book and publishing it on Amazon for the world to read. I figured by doing this, I'm bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, as well as bringing her story, our journey to those who are going through it too. I figured that I could help them by sharing our journey. 

The next thing I decided to do was always honor my angel with different things throughout the year. Each holiday/season, I redecorate her forever bed for her to show my love. By doing this, I'm allowing myself to acknowledge life the way it is and to express the love for her that I can't physically show her.

Each holiday I include her in some way. Most of the time, I light her candle or I sing songs that remind me of her. At times, I even have my family and friends join in.

This is my normalizing grief for me and it works for me.

If you're on this journey with me, what is it that you do to normalize grief in your life?

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - Memory.

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The one memory that has haunted me for the past two years and still hurts to this day is when I had to tell my oldest that her baby sister gained her wings. I dreaded her arrival at the hospital. She was expecting a baby sister, but she got an angel sister instead. The look in her face when realization set in tears up my heart. I wish to this day that I could have carried her heartache and I wish she didn't have to feel the loss at such a young age. 

My oldest, Sunshine, dreamed of the things she wanted to teach her baby sister. I listened to her plans and hopes. I saw her smile and her joy over sharing her bedroom with her baby sister. She excitedly helped me put the baby clothes in the dresser after they were washed. I watched her as she helped me split the room she had to herself for three years by herself to make room for her baby sister.

I also watched as joy and happiness had been stolen from her face when she realized we weren't taking a baby home from the hospital. The way she joyfully ran into that hospital room asking for her baby sister turned to fear and heartache. 

My heart aches as I remember her asking me, "Mommy, why is all of my siblings taken away from me?" or "Why did God allow this to happen to MY sister. I wanted her." She cried to me as I held her.

These are the memories I'm trying to let go of, but they seem to bury themselves deep into my soul. To this day, I pray for my daughter and her healing. I believe the loss of her sister has caused her to hate the world around her and it shows in her attitude. :(

Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - In Honor

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

Her name is Dakota Emily Buda. She was here on earth for 40 weeks 5 days. I was the only one who truly knew her. I felt her within me for this short time, but she made such an impression on my heart, which will last the rest of my life. On the day she was born, I made a promise to her that everyone I came in contact with would know of her and what she did for me. Shortly after, I wrote her story and shared it with the world in hopes of others knowing of my precious daughter.

I often feel her here with me. I sense her beauty in the world around me. Butterflies. Clouds. Sunsets and sunrise. The birds chirping. The leaves changing on the trees. It all reminds me of her and what wouldn't be. She's everywhere to me. She helps me to slow down, to focus on what's in front of me, and to be thankful for it. She's the reason I have a relationship with Christ. She's the reason I changed my ways and continue to live with gratitude, hope, and faith.

She is the reason why I'm doing what I can to bring Pregnancy and Infant Loss into the light. Today, I'm honoring my precious angel, Dakota.

Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

After the kids are in bed, I sit comfortably in my overly fluffy recliner when I get my chance to relax from the long day. As I sit here, I am surrounded by different memorial items that remind me of my precious daughter, Dakota. Images of her lifeless body beautifully positioned line my walls. Angel figurines line my shelves. A butterfly wind chime hangs from the floor lamp that's surrounded with a rainbow scarf. All of these bring me to tears when I actually sit and look at them. The corner shelf that sits behind me holds the plaster molds of the only thing that makes me feel close to her...her hands and feet. I pick them up, gently hold them and caress them while wishing it was really her that I was touching. Oh, to feel her skin against mine again. My heart breaks many times over during a single day for my daughter who was taken too soon from me. At times when I am in a slump and overloaded with grief, I'll grab my phone, put my ear buds in, and play the songs I have saved under a playlist just for her. There in that comfy chair, I cry for the daughter I only have spiritually. 

Day after day, for the past year and eight months, I've mourned the loss of my daughter. I sit and wonder when will this pain end? When will I be over the grieving and the pain of her absence? 

I've lost loved ones before. However, it's completely different losing your daughter compared to an Uncle or Grandparent. Grief lingers on for years after the loss of a child. I'm well aware of this because I know other angel parents who have been on this path for sixteen or more years. Guess what, they still feel the same way they did on the day they learned of their loss. 

In society, it seems as if one is expected to feel grief and mourn for several months after the loss. After a few months, it seems as if grieving for longer periods of time is unacceptable. It's like by then the person should be over it by then. Beyond the few month mark, a lot of people go back to life the way they lived it before the loss and assume those closest to the passed, has moved on too. 

I am here to tell you that way of thinking couldn't be more wrong. The loss of a child leaves a void in your life and in your heart for years to come. I believe it'll remain there until you're reunited with the child you never had the chance to know. 

Now that a year has passed and we're slowly making our way to the two-year mark, grieving for me has went from doing it openly to doing it in the privacy of my own home. (Normally in the shower because for some reason it's embarrassing to cry for my daughter.) There are only a select few that I choose to discuss my pain and grief with now. A year ago, I was shouting it to anyone that would listen. 

Is it okay to admit that I still feel the same way today as I did on the day I found out she didn't have her precious heartbeat?

I've been praying for the Lord to ease this pain and to make the grief manageable. I ask him to make it manageable and not take it fully away because I believe with the grief, I have been brought closer to him. I believe the grief that has been given to me is....a gift. 

The shattered heart, endless tears, the endless yanking at the strings of your heart, and the screams of overwhelming pain would be something that would make anyone want to run away from. It'd make anyone want to turn away and run in the opposite direction. But if we're willing, if we are open to accepting this gift from the Lord, this gift of grief, we will discover the blessings which are hidden within the creases of grief. 

When we (human beings) were created, we were created to live in the beautiful Garden of Eden without the feelings of loss let alone any grief. We weren't designed to experience the hardship we face today. Grief tends to focus on the eternal values in life by making us remember the lessons were taught in the moments of the loss of our child. It helps us see exactly what matters and want doesn't. It tends to help us value our time here on earth and guides us to use every second with purpose. Before the experience of grief, God and Heaven seem to be in the back of our minds, buried beneath a to-do list, as well as our hopes and dreams list. Grief pushes God and Heaven to the front of our minds and we tend to focus more on Him once we have experienced loss. Loss reminds us that in our time, we will be united with our loved ones in Heaven one day. Thus, giving us hope. 

To experience grief like I have, to the extent that I have has taught me a valuable lesson and made me think of things that had never crossed my mind before. I find myself dreaming of the day I get to pass from this life into the waiting arms of Jesus Christ. I find myself dreaming of what a day that will be. I imagine how the warmth of the sun will warm me as I experience true happiness for the first time. Once again, grief is a gift.

Death tends to remind us of our time here on earth and it reminds us that life isn't promised. Tomorrow isn't promised. Therefore, in our midst of grief we long to live a full life that's pleasing to our Lord and Savior. It makes us take a look at our priorities we have for ourselves and adjust them accordingly. It motivates us to be more disciplined in Christ and live a life full of faith. Grief's gift is a reality check. 

The loss of my child took me to the end of my strength which made me rely fully on God's strength to get by. I can't stop grieving for my daughter. I feel powerless against the overwhelming feelings that I have. It's only through God's strength that I have made it this far. It's His strength that helps me face a new day and with that all the new challenges that I come across. 

I have found grief as a gift through relationships. When we experience a deep loss, like the one I did, we tend to feel needier than what we once were. Therefore, not only do we find strong relationships with those who the Lord placed in our lives, but we also build a stronger relationship with Him. Grief leads us to pray more, thus building the relationship that matters the most. My relationship with Christ. Prayer always brings us closer to Christ. It inspires us to communicate with Him, because He's the ONLY one who can comfort us the way we need. The voids we feel are filled only by Him. Although the Lord won't remove those voids from our lives, he will fill them and embrace us with his love, strength, and compassion. Grief helps us to value our loved ones who are still here with us more. It shows us that they are meant to be here with you to give you a physical sense of being and comfort. It helps us to value these people because the grief made it easy to see their value in our life. Aren't we supposed to look at others as the Lord would? Grief helps us to do that. It gives us a glimpse into how we are supposed to live life ALL THE TIME, not just in the time of hardships. 

By viewing grief as a gift, we open ourselves for the Lord and for the blessings He has in store for us!

I truly can't wait to experience the blessing of Life with the grief I will carry on until I am resting in the arms of my Savior. 

Expecting After a Loss...This is for you!

My reaction for when I first saw my son and he started crying. A moment in my life I will never forget.

Dear Grieving Pregnant Mommy,

Let me start by saying that if you haven't been following my journey you probably don't already know that I am a mother of an angel who gave birth to her rainbow baby five months ago. So, it hasn't been that long since I was where you are now. The feelings that you are feeling...yes they are normal. Quite normal to be honest. If you find yourself crying, go for it. It's okay to cry. Believe me, the pregnancy journey after a loss is an emotional on. Boy, oh boy let me tell you what a day it will be when you give birth to your rainbow baby and your precious bundle of joy is handed to you....ALIVE!!!! 

I honestly didn't think I would reach that point. I found myself thinking about how I would handle going "through it again." How would I react? Could I handle it if I lost this baby I was carrying in the same womb who failed me almost a year before? I thought about the different things I would want for his funeral that we didn't have for our angel, Dakota. I couldn't even bring myself to think of having a shower for him because I didn't want all these items sitting around my house reminding me of what isn't. Just like the same baby items sit from Dakota's shower reminding me of what we lost. 

For some reason, planning a funeral over a baby shower was easier for me. It wasn't very long ago that I was forced to have a funeral and I wasn't prepared. This time around, I was going to be prepared. I even went to the extent of having the same funeral home's number, address, and what not in my hospital bag. I had the take taker of the cemetery's number, too. I didn't make this known to those around me because all they would have said was... it's going to be all right. That's one thing that I heard, time and time again. "Everything is going to be all right. Have faith in God." 

Up until I gave birth to our rainbow, I didn't prepare at all. Yes, we ended up having a small baby shower for him. But everything sat as it was when it was carried from the car. Gift bags cluttered my living room, as well as a crib that hadn't been set up. Bottles weren't cleaned and sterile. Diapers were still unwrapped. I just couldn't bring myself to set up and prepare for bringing baby home. In all honesty, I felt as if it were going to be time wasted. 

I didn't purchase anything for our son during the pregnancy, until my husband decided to go to the all town yard sale. Of course, I dreamed of seeing my son in the different outfits, shoes, and other baby items we saw during our walk around town, but I couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. My husband on the other hand saw the need to get ready for our son. He arranged the pick up of all the clothes he purchased that day. I couldn't handle it. I walked away.

That, too, is okay. I only did what I knew I was able to handle and you can too. Don't feel ashamed for being scared. You have every right to be. You will have people telling you that you can't live in the fear or be scared to prepare for the very different future you'll be facing. However, they really do not know what we know. Right? They really haven't experienced death like we have. We are always grieving and I believe we will never stop. We know what it's like to feel death come from our bodies, which were once full of life. We know heartbreak that won't ever end.

I can personally tell you that the journey through pregnancy after a loss is another trying period within your life, but totally worth it. Believe me, my pregnancy with my rainbow was very trying. On top of all the fear and worry, the pregnancy didn't go without complications. At about seven months into the pregnancy with my rainbow, I found out that I had polyhydramnios. It occurs in about one in every 100 pregnancies. It can lead to developmental abnormalities or pregnancy complications.Of course, on top of worrying about my son and him dying before I got to meet him, I now had even more stacked against me. I had to worry about going into labor prematurely. I had to worry about a prolapsed cord during labor when my water broke. If a prolapsed cord happened, my son would be cut off from his oxygen supply and his nutrients. This scared the crap out of me. 

So, when I tell you it's worth it when you FINALLY hear your screaming baby...IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! 

***Keep a look out for my writing updates on my book, Journey to Our Rainbow (working title) here on my author blog. ***

Bringing Home Our Rainbow Baby: After Loss

Pregnancy is a time of happiness and joy. For many, it's full of fear and worry. When a couple brings home their new baby after losing one, life changes again. The fear and worry don't go away once baby comes into the world screaming and full of life. The fear and worry just shift to other things in focus. Many questions I have asked was: Will he die too? Is he still breathing? Oh no, what if he dies of SIDS?

As a mother of loss and a rainbow, here are a few things that I want my family and friends to know:

1. I'm more confused now more than ever. At times I may think I'm holding my angel when I'm really holding my rainbow. It's confusing because I'm holding my rainbow baby while missing another baby. Certain facial expressions that my rainbow makes has me doing flashbacks in my mind of my angel. Believe me, it sounds crazy but I'm not crazy. So, when I try to express my feelings to you, just listen. I know my baby is dead and isn't coming back. I understand that my rainbow is a completely different baby. It's hard enough on me without the judgement of others.

2. I'm still grieving.  Some may think this way and it's wrong. However, just because I have this brand new bundle of joy in my arms, doesn't mean that I don't miss my angel. I hate how people describe grieving as a process. Just as I have read before, a process is something that has an end. When grieving the child you lost, there will NEVER be an end. Some may think that just because I have a living and breathing child in my arms, all should be better. Nope, actually this takes me back to number one and adds to the confusion. The questions I once asked when I first lost my angel come back once again. Why is my rainbow here with me and my angel couldn't be? What would life be like if my angel was here with my rainbow? These are just a few examples.

3. My heart longs for my angel and at times I want her. Don't get me wrong. I love my rainbow baby with my all being. It's not that I don't want him. Believe me I went through hell to have him here. There was A LOT of tears, fear, and pain to get where I am today. I worked with every ounce of who I am to ensure that on my end, my rainbow came into this world alive. I just wish with ever fiber of my soul that my angel was still here with us.

4. Fear and anxiety is still here but it's stronger. I'm really scared. Actually, this is my normal. For the past year this has been my life. Starting in October of 2013, I was scared that I wouldn't get pregnant. The anxiety took over with each pregnancy test. Then once I saw the test come back with a positive, the fear and anxiety shifted. I worried during the entire nine months and thought only about, "What if it happened again?" When I was about nine months pregnant, the fear and anxiety rocketed sky high. I learned that I had polyhydramnios. I was put on bed rest because this made me at a higher risk for preterm labor and once again the chances of another stillborn went up. I had two appointments each week from that point on. Labor came and I was induced. Fear and anxiety was at it's max and pushing itself to the limits. Up until the moment I heard his first cry, this was all that I felt.

Now that he's here.... that doesn't mean it went away. I worry about him ALL THE TIME. As I stated in the start of this post, I don't believe this will fully go away.

5. I have a hard time with others holding my rainbow or trusting them with him. The moment I'm asked, "Oh, can I hold him?" Or when someone reaches out and takes him from my arms, panic sets in. I'm super scared that something could happen which would result in his untimely death. There are so many sicknesses and diseases being talked about within the news, I'm worried that he'd catch it since he's only had two rounds of his immunization shots. Plus, he's still little and his immune system is still developing.

MOST OF ALL, I still need you. Please don't go. All may seem well. The heartaches is still there now more than it ever was. Don't drift away from me. I'm really not okay. 

Still in Disbelief- Disrespect as it's MAX

One thing that I have been boiling over and can't seem to let go is when a man allows his best friend to openly disrespect his wife! Yep, you read that right. I am that woman who was recently disrespected by my husbands best friend. Every marriage will have it's ups and downs! I feel that if a man loves his wife, he'd do everything to protect her. He would NEVER allow someone to do this. 

My husband and I were having a typical argument within our marriage. Things were said that we didn't mean. It even came close to one of us leaving. However, this didn't concern my husbands best friend. 

On the 9th of November, I was getting my son ready for church when I got these messages from my husbands best friend:

Let me explain what is being talked about: This friend (which I'm going to name Donkey) needed a ride to pick up his car in another state about an hour away. My husband did not tell me that he agreed to help until just a few minutes before Donkey showed up. I had made plans with Sunshine for the day where she'd be able to spend it with her Daddy. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Not only that but Hubby left here and forgot some VERY important things that I needed for the kids. Of course this didn't leave me happy.

Now, as for the kids. Up to this point, I felt as if my Husband didn't want our marriage any longer. However, this wasn't anyone's concern, except for ours. We have had fights before and my emergency plan is to go to my Mothers. Of course I would take my children with me because their father couldn't have them with the way he works. He works too much to give them the proper attention. Where this is Donkey's business??? Beats me! 

Needless to say I followed his advice and removed any and ALL contact I had with him. Not only was he supposed to be my husbands friend, he was supposed to be mine as well. Here I am thinking I am being a friend to him when I am keeping a secret of his. She's pregnant after a miscarriage, so I didn't want to add any more stress to her. 

When I addressed this situation with Hubby, he told me that Donkey was allowed to have his own opinion. He said that this was okay. WHAT!!! How in the world is it okay for him to talk to me like that? I'm writing this post because it hurts me. To this day, Hubby still talks to Donkey like nothing happened, all the while I'm still hurting over what was said.

1. I am a very loving and caring person. Example: I opened my home to Donkey on multiple occasions when he had no where else to go.

2. Sorry, Sir but it seems as if you have a thing for drama. If you truly knew me, you'd know that I am the type of person who avoids it at all costs. I have my own drama in my life... I don't need you adding to it. 

3. If you are going to tell me what my God thinks of me... perhaps you should get it right! Go read the Bible and then come talk to me. My God is a very forgiving God and doesn't hold a grudge. He knows that his people will have attacks on their marriages from Satan. However, since we turned to the Lord once again, we are doing just fine.

Unintentional Hurt Husbands cause their Wife

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church" (Eph. 5:25).

Being married isn't easy. It's not the fairy tale you once believed as a child. There really isn't a happily ever after. Once two people become one, this is just the beginning. Marriage is a lot of work. I have been married for two years now and there has been a lot that has worked against my marriage. One thing is how my husband tends to indirectly hurt me without realizing it. I believe that many couples have these issues, therefore I am here today to put it out there for the husbands on how to better your marriage with your wife. The perfect marriage isn't out there, although we all would love that.

1. Cutting off in mid-sentence: Cutting her off while she is talking gives the appearance that you really aren't interested in what she has to say. It is disrespectful in all ways. When she's cut off, she may not voice it, but it really bugs her. Let her tell you her thoughts and LISTEN while she talks.


2. Corrects her when she's speaking: This could be cutting her off while she's talking because you've caught a mistake within whatever it is that she's talking about. It could also be finishes sentences when she's talking to someone. It can be speaking for her in the company of others. It's demeaning and can make her feel devalued when you present her to others.


3. Admires other women over her: She watches you and you're watching someone else. This makes her feel as if she doesn't catch your eye anymore. This can also lead into her thinking you may have been unfaithful, even though that may not be the case.


4. Act suspicious or secretive: Keeping your phone close at all times. Cleaning out every piece of you phone, examples are recent calls, text messages, internet history, etc. This makes her feel as if you're hiding something from her.

Another is walking away to talk on the phone and hanging up just as she walks into the room. Then she asks who it was...without realizing it you answer with an attitude. Again, this makes her feel as if you have something to hide

5 "I Don't Know": The ultimate answer to every question. This is one answer wives don't want to hear. If you're looking to start a fight or upset her, answer each question with it. When a husband answers with I don't know, they are giving the impression that they are not interested in what is being talked about or you just don't care. Try to give answers that contribute to the conversations. That way when you really don't know, you can say it and it won't come off as the above.


6. Not Standing Up: Under ALL circumstances, husbands should stand with their wife. No one should be able to openly disrespect your wife in ANY way. Yes, the entire world is entitled to their opinions, but when it's against your wife...stand by her. It doesn't matter if it's your best friend. Your wife's value is much more than a friend that can one day go away. No one should be able to openly disrespect your wife.


7. Keep Marriage problems within the marriage: Yes there is a difference between asking for advice or complaining. When you have an issue with your wife, talk to her about it. No one else should take her place. She's your other half and in the eyes of God, you are one. This just opens up the marriage for more problems.


***If you have anything to add, please do so by commenting below.***

Ignorance With Loss- Speaking Out

It's absolutely heartbreaking when I'm surfing the Internet and actually see just how ignorant people are when it comes to child loss. Today I saw a news article on wpxi.com that pertained to a couple in California who gave birth to an angel. Immediately I had to read it and absolutely loved it. I love the fact that even though it's not my story or about my precious Dakota, it's still bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I then felt the need to share Dakota's picture too. For some reason when I see anything on this subject, I have the need to put my daughter out there too. I want people to know she existed and she lived. 

What broke my heart was the response the family got to their photo's of their sleeping angel when they were brought to the attention of the public. Each comment was as if someone had taken a knife and pushed it into my heart. 

Ignorance like these comments:

• "Private pictures ok. Dead babies on the internet no."

•  "Dead Babies on the Internet" - I feel like there is a social commentary type punk rock song in here somewhere...

• People grieve in their own way but the pictures should be kept private within the family not plastered everywhere on the internet and Facebook

• I think it's morbid and constitutes abuse of corpse.

• Not sure how I feel about that one 

1 in 4 women experience child loss in some form...some experience it multiple times. I am 1 in 4. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days. If you have NEVER lost a child, feel blessed because it does change who you are and how you deal with things. I am glad people are speaking out about it and raising awareness. How dare you pass judgement on grieving mothers for having pictures done. Grow up and realize all life is precious and stop being petty. These comment dig deep down inside and bother the heck out of me. Value every second of life. 

Until you lose a child at birth, you have no idea the pain and loss you feel. I feel that no one should have to experience this. It is not warped or disturbing to take photo's of your sleeping angel. What makes you so high and mighty that you can judge? 

Those of us that have lost babies cope in different ways. Don't put the grieving parents down because it is not the way you would choose to grieve. Everyone who thinks this is morbid just can't handle the truth that yes these situations do happen. This is the truth to child loss  Families get photos because it's their child. They will share these with their future children and so on. It's comfort for them to see their little angel. 

IF you're one of those people who deem it warped or disturbing, do me a favor.... chose one of your children you choose to live life without. Yeah, pick one. Doesn't matter which. Now... imagine choosing a headstone for that child. Or how about this, imagine what that child would look like laying in a casket. You know... "dead and disturbing". Ohhh look at that... I hit a nerve. I bet you can't even imagine either one of these scenarios. Can you? 

Now.. picture funeral music playing, flowers, and your last kiss before the casket is closed forever. Remember this will be the last time you will EVER see your child again on this earth. Oh, now they're getting ready to bury your child. They lower the casket as you force yourself to look away. Next they throw the dirt in the hole where your child was just lowered. Let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!!

You have NO right to sit back and judge me as an angel mother for how I choose to deal with the loss of my child. Therefore, until you experience it.. how about you educate yourself about Pregnancy and Infant Loss? Or how about this... reach out and send comfort to a family who was forced to say goodbye before they even had the chance to say hello! Until then, I'll shout it from the roof tops and the mountain tops that my daughter LIVED! You have no right to either like or dislike what I choose to do until you have been here yourself! Plain and simple!!!! 

Things I Wish I Knew BEFORE Pregnancy After Loss (PAL)

***I read an article yesterday with the same base line of this article. I'm writing my version because there are things I'd like to add in with from my perspective. To read the original article, click here.*

Pregnancy can be an emotional, yet joyful time for a soon to be Mommy! The anticipation of meeting your newest family member builds up over the nine months and by the end of the pregnancy everyone is anxious to meet the newest family member.

However, the joys, hopes, and dreams are changed for those who are pregnant after a loss. Well, as a matter of fact, EVERYTHING changes and the angel Mom is never the same with any future pregnancies. 

Here are the things I wish I would have been told before my pregnancy with my rainbow:

1. TTC (Trying to Conceive) is an emotional nightmare. My husband and I decided that we wanted to try for our rainbow baby about three months after the loss of our precious daughter. I didn't realize how different it would be. The fun was gone and it was work once we had the agreement of my doctor. (He suggested I waited three full menstrual cycles before trying again.) The first month we tried, it wasn't successful and I felt as if I failed. The feelings that went through me were overbearing. I had a hard time with TTC and just sex in general. The fun and quality time with my husband turned into a bunch of thoughts like "I wonder if it'll happen this time?" or "I pray I'm tracking everything right so it happens now." I anxiously waited for that time of the month and when it arrived, I broke down and cried. I honestly felt like it was going to take me forever to conceive or I wasn't ever going to again. At this time, I no longer trusted my body to do it's thing because it had just failed me several months before. Then the cycle of TTC started again. It was really depressing mixed with fear and anxiety. 

2. Finding out your pregnant isn't the same as it once was. The moment the positive test came in I had mixed emotions about it. During the time we were TTC, I would imagine what the moment would be like when I finally saw that our prayers were answered. Would I scream with excitement? Would I cry from fear? Would I tell others right away or keep the news to myself?  I was four days late and felt as if it was a joke. My cruel body was doing it again. Boosting up my spirit with hope only to crash it at any moment with the dreaded menstrual time. I didn't tell my husband that I was going to take the test. He was sleeping from working the night before and I ran to the store to get the test. I took the test alone in the bathroom and those three minutes felt like forever. POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. Literally. I thought the test was wrong. It was too good to be true. I've heard it said that if it feels too good to be true...it usually is. This is what kept running through my mind. I thought the test had to be wrong and it that it was a defective test. Of course, I took another one. That too was positive. I fell to my knees and cried. Part of me wanted to believe it and the other part was trying to tell me it was a joke. Fear and anxiety snuck in at this moment even more. Once I pulled myself together and told my husband, all I could think of was "What's going to happen?" "Will I be able to handle another stillbirth if it were to happen again?" 

3. You'll constantly expect something bad to happen. Realization of the new pregnancy took a while to sink in even after taking two at home tests, I needed to have it confirmed by the doctor. This was a task all on it's own. With a stillbirth in my history, I was considered high risk from the start. The doctor did a urine test to confirm the pregnancy. This one was positive too. However, I didn't think it was right. The doctor pulled me into the ultrasound room and showed me the sack, baby, and the flicker of a heartbeat. This is when I allowed it to start sinking in. I was really pregnant. From that point on, I constantly worried about what I would see when I needed to use the restroom. I was always expecting to see blood. I was told it's normal after experiencing a traumatic ordeal like we had with our daughter. The fear that at any moment something bad will happen only leads to even more anxiety and fear.

4. The bad pregnancy symptoms most people dread, become your best friend. I know in my first pregnancy I didn't feel anything regarding those symptoms. However, with my angel I had the morning sickness like crazy. It started within my pregnancy with my rainbow too. But this time, I welcomed it. I wanted to feel sick and have my breast hurt. This was a sign to me that everything at that moment was okay. I would panic when I felt good. I automatically thought something was wrong and ran to the bathroom once again expecting to see blood. When the first trimester was coming to an end and so did the symptoms, I kept thinking something happened and the baby had died. 

5. Doctor appointments ease some of the fear. I lived for the visits to the doctor. I would count down the days until I was able to go in. However, when it came time it also brought on a new set of worries. "Will there be a heartbeat this time?" was the main question I'd ask myself on the morning of my appointments. With being high risk not only did the doctor want to see me but he also requested ultrasounds too. I remember the first ultrasound with my rainbow. I was waiting in the doctors office holding back tears because of the fear of no heartbeat when it came time for the ultrasound. At this point, this was the first ultrasound I had since I lost my daughter and I was afraid my rainbow would have the same fate. By the time I was laid back on the bed and the tech was checking the heartbeat, I could no longer hold back my tears. I cried and without realizing it, I held my breath until the tech said the heartbeat was there. This became routine at every visit.

6. Others will expect you to be okay now that you're pregnant again! What I didn't realize is that I thought this too. I thought that since I'd be pregnant... I'd be okay but this wasn't the case at all. I was and have been far from okay. Being pregnant after a loss doesn't make all those feelings from the loss go away. In fact, they only become stronger. At times I sat and remembered my pregnancy more with my angel than with my rainbow. I'd sit on the couch listening to the heartbeat on the at home doppler I purchased while remembering my angels heartbeat. This was the case during the entire pregnancy. I believe this is okay because you can't forget one child because you have another.

7. Anxiety will over take you in the first trimester when you can't feel the baby move.  I remember saying that once our rainbow would begin moving, I'd be okay. However, the road there was rough. I wanted so badly to feel our rainbow move that I ached for it at times. This would be another indication that the baby was fine. It seemed as if the first trimester went by very slowly. 

8. However, you'll worry even in the second trimester after you can feel the baby's movements. I waited so long for the movement of my rainbow. Once it had happened I wasn't sure about it. I panicked when I couldn't feel the baby move with each movement, which caused me to run back to the heart doppler again. So it wasn't as reassuring as I thought it would be.

9. The fact that you WILL obsess about the baby moving as time goes by. When the kicks were more frequent, I needed to feel them. I felt like something was wrong if I didn't feel my baby move. When I wouldn't feel him move, I would began to panic and fall back on the heart doppler. I was very tuned into the baby's movements.

10. When seeing another pregnant woman, jealousy will happen. I know this one to be true. I still do it to this day during my 34th week of pregnancy. I get mad, too. The reason is because they still have that innocent joy within their pregnancy and they don't know this new world I was forced into. At times I caught myself immediately disliking her because of her genuine smile that wasn't hiding fear in the deep dark shadows of her heart. Do I have joy now? Yes, however it's always mixed with another emotion. I don't believe I'll ever feel pure joy when it comes to my kids again.

11. You will Google or call your doctor with EVERY symptom you have. I can't tell you how many times during this pregnancy I have resorted to Googling what was going on with me and then calling the doctor. Each new thing that happens within pregnancy will have one wondering if it's normal or if it's an indication that something is wrong. 

12. Any speed bump between conception and delivery will scare you!  When I was diagnosed within this pregnancy with Polyhydramnios, which is too much amniotic fluid. I went home and cried. I explained how this made me feel in another post here. This put me on bed rest and to limit my activity to ensure I didn't bring on pre-term labor. Deep down inside I felt as if my baby had the same outcome as my angel. Each appointment is only more anxiety and doesn't help to calm me until I hear the words: You're baby isn't in danger. 

13. Fear doesn't go away as you reach birth. My loss was at 40 weeks 5 days. I have no days to "just get past" and nothing to ease my fears. The fears of loss with my rainbow only increase as I get closer to D-day. Everything during pregnancy isn't predictable and this is scary. With six weeks left, I'm a bundle of nerves and there's nothing I can do to provide some comfort. 

These are my comments with each point made in the original post. I hope this helps someone out there to see how things have been for me pregnancy wise and I hope this gives some insight to someone who is PAL.

If you are PAL, add your comments below if I missed something on my end.

Not PAL? Did this article help you understand better?