Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.

I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

Anxiety Isn't Forever

Sweaty palms....

Racing Heart....

Headache....

Stomach pains....

Hard to Breathe....

These are all some of the symptoms I feel when my anxiety is present, which happens

to be more than I care to acknowledge. 

I suffer from anxiety 

Full blown.

At any given moment, it surfaces and 

most times there's no reason.

I constantly feel as if I have a weight sitting on my chest...

My hands... I'm not quite sure what to do with them

I just have to move because of the overwhelming feeling, as if it might help.

I often find it worse when I'm riding, yes riding because I don't drive.. in the car.

Down the interstate.

I check my phone.

Put on Chapstick.

Play with my phone more.

Change the radio station, especially if the music is making it worse.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself...

Anxiety isn't forever.

It may be the one thing that follows me through my life

but one day... I'll be free.

Jesus promised me this.

I know that when I die and go home...

I'll be free.

Until then... 

I'll fight with every ounce of

strength I have. 

It's not over 

not now

not today

not in this lifetime.

But...

one day

I 

will

be.

Your Own Worst Enemy

Life has many ups and downs, along with twists and turns. We often
face situations that push us and try us to the point of exhaustion.

A few nights ago, I was woken up by my ten-year-old daughter who has been
having a hard time staying asleep at night. Once I gave her something to cuddle,
a drink, and another hug/kiss, I went back to my room and laid down. While I was
laying there, I quietly listened to my husband's heaving breathing, which was followed
by our son's heavy breathing. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep since I had been woken up
several times throughout the night by both kids. I decided to lay there and ponder with my thoughts. I seriously hate when this happens because then I happen to think of all the hurtful conversations, hurtful events, and the ongoing hurt from them. I think of ways
I should have responded or I think of the things I should have said. There have even
been times where the anger flared back up and sleep was pointless. My brain likes to push
the repeat button on these memories, which lead to my heart racing and me fighting not to wake up
my husband to talk. Yes, most of these memories are of unsettling events between us within the previous twelve years. 

This endless cycle made me realize something. The only reason why this spiritual battle keeps

occurring is because I have a hard time with letting go. I have a hard time just letting things lay to rest when these issues haven't been sorted through; they had been hushed and swept under the rug. I'm the type of person who needs to talk through my feelings on anything that I feel is wrong. If not, I pay for it because my mind goes through an endless amount of torture for me. Yes, my mind causes me pain. I allowed this to happen for so long.

Anway, there I was at four in the morning, laying in bed while fighting back tears while my heart

raced and my anxiety heightened. All the wronged that I had endured flooded through my veins, making my temper rise. The spiritual battle in full force.

That's how the enemy works. He will wait until he can catch you off guard so he can haunt you with all those unsettled situations that still bother your soul. Most of these nights, I cried in silence to be sure I didn't wake my family. The lies flooded my mind making me believe that I was destined to never feel true happiness because I always had these unsettled issues to be worked. 

On this particular night, I decided to head out of the bedroom. I joined my overly fluffy white cat, who was sprawled out on the sofa. By this point, the thoughts of my mind had me in a nauseating point of hurt because of all the unfinished business; the conversations that hadn't been. There I sat, thinking, hurting. Deep inside, my spirit wanted freedom and healing. However, my heart and mind wouldn't allow that because they continued to listen to Satan's lies. 

That's when I silently cried out to the Lord while looking out the window behind my couch. As I stared at the silence outside, I asked the Lord for help. I wanted to be free from the hurt, lies, deception, and pain. I asked the Lord to take control, I didn't want the job of me anymore. 

Once I did this, I learned a bit about what was happening. As I threw myself into this cycle, I never gave God the option of stepping in and fighting this for me. I was blocking myself from my own blessing. I've learned that in order for God to gain control, we have to be willing to lay it down and walk away so He can pick it up.  How can the Lord take over when we continually laid it down for a little bit and then pick it back up? If the issues are being held by us, we aren't giving God the room He needs. We need to put it down completely, turn, and walk away. No going back.

****

Are you willing to give your situation to God and allow Him to work it out through His power and authority?

Like a Child...

Parenting is a mission that many are selected to do. It's a forever mission appointed by God. As parents, we are qualified to do His bidding. We are to be the light that shines through the dark so our children can find their way. We are to speak and teach the truth. But our most important job within parenting is to pray for our children.

Over the past ten years of my parenting journey, I remember feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. At times, I even feel this way today. My oldest seems to always want her life to revolve around electronics and when she's glued to her Kindle, her attitude sucks. At one time, I felt like I failed, like my body failed when I lost my daughter in the womb and she was stillborn. I have even felt like a failure with my currently two-year-old son because he's not where the doctors believe he should be when it comes to talking.

God has spoken to me on numerous occasions in the most unexpected ways. He told me that He understands what it feels like to lose a child and gain one at the same time. I was confused by this and it took me three years to understand. He lost His child to sin but gained Him by the cross. 

He told me He understands my pain when it comes to the broken relationship that I have with my oldest. I have had the hardest time trying to connect with my daughter as she gets older. Our interests aren't the same. She loves dinosaurs and I'm clueless about them. She enjoys Pokemon and I don't even know where to begin. She hates doing her hair and I love it. She's not interested in makeup but I enjoy it. We are very different. I keep reaching out and she keeps pushing away. I try to teach her the right ways to go and it seems to flow in one ear and out the other. I try to guide, protect, and love her to the best of my ability, but she won't have any of it. 

Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me explain how God understands what I am going through as a parent. He continually loves us. There isn't a sin in this world that will stand in between the love of God and His child (You). God has given us freedom, as I have done with my daughter, to choose our own way. He gives us the opportunity for us to show Him in return the love we have for Him. However, this doesn't stop Him from pursuing a relationship with us. Just as I have done in the past with my daughter, God is doing it with us too. He reaches and we push away. He comforts and we blame Him. He wants to build a stronger relationship with us but we're nieve and think we can handle it on our own. We are His stubborn children.

Regardless of how much we push away, He's always there when the rough spots hit. That's when we seem to seek out His love, strength, and healing the most. But He wants more than that. He wants us ALL OF THE TIME. He will continue to pursue us because He knows we are worth it. He knows the ways He can teach us. He knows how He can or will use these to teach us about Himself so we can get to know Him better. He knows the ways to make us more like Him by growing the fruit of the Spirit within our hearts. We just need to open up to Him and allow Him to work. 

This is especially true when it comes to our children too. Once we fully submit to God, we can focus on our children and teach them of the love of Christ. We can trust our children to Him through prayer and by building our relationship with Him. 

He's here.

He's waiting.

Do you accept?

Parenting as a Christian Mom

Since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a Mom. I loved the idea of the bottles, diapers, and dressing the baby. I loved the idea of cuddles, kisses, and hugs. The idea I had as a mother was way less than what it turned out to be. My daughter is completely different than I had imagined. I envisioned this little girl who would play dress up with my shoes and makeup and would love baby dolls and Barbie dolls. Instead, she'd rather play with bugs and learn about dinosaurs. She is very emotional and is head strong. However, I wouldn't chance her for a second. My son loves to make people laugh, cars are his favorite, and he's a Momma's boy. 

Most of all, I wanted to teach them about life and the love of Jesus. Each one got an age-appropriate Bible the day they were born, which they played with. I read them stories out of each book. We prayed before each meal and before bed. However, I never taught them to REALLY pray. 

Parenting has a lot to do with prayer. I find myself seeking guidance for the Lord through prayer quite a bit when it comes to my children. As a parent, we want the best for our children so what better way to do it than by going to the Most High and asking for His guidance? Our greatest times as a parent happens when we are on our knees; open and honest. 

What exactly do we pray for when it comes to our children?

I'm going to share with you... my list of powerful verses I pray when I'm praying for my children. Feel free to use them too for your prayers. 

****

I pray for strength. In a tough world where things aren't so godly, our children need the strength to face it and deal with each issue. So, I pray the Lord will provide strength to them throughout their day. (I can do all things through him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13)

I pray for courage. It's a scary world out there and things seem a bit crazy. This world can certainly have us cowering in the corner. I want my children to go at life head-on. Ready to tackle anything that comes their way and they can do this through Christ. (Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9)

I pray for peace. In a world of war, our children need a sense of peace in their hearts. I don't want my child anxious and fearful because of the events going on around us. (Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ~ Philippians 4:6)

I pray for procurement. I ask God to provide them with everything they need each day. This would help them to not fear for the future and look at it with hope. (And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19)

I pray for direction. I pray for the Lord to guide each thought and decision they make. I want them to make godly decisions for their lives as they get older and I want them to be able to make healthy decisions that will benefit their futures. (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6)

I pray for protection. I ask God to protect my kids from all harm that may come their way. I've lost one child and I pray that God keeps them safe and allows me to parent them (earthside) for many more years to come. (He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Psalm 9:1-2)

I pray for joy. I want my children to feel the type of joy that only comes from the Lord. This type of joy is one I love feeling and knowing my children are filled with it is a blessing. (You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. ~ Psalm 16:11)

I pray for compassion. In a world where compassion is lacking, I want my children to be the ones who allows Christ to shine through when their showing love and compassion. I want them to always focus on the needs of others, in addition to their own. (Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:32)

I pray for justice. I want to be sure that my children will stand up for what is right. Even if that means their standing alone. I want them to stand up and defend those who can't do it for themselves and seek the right ways in all situations. (Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause. ~ Isaiah 1:17)

I pray for wisdom. I want them to have the smarts to know which decisions are in the best interest of them. I want them to always choose what is right. (If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ~ James 1:5)

I pray for hope. I want them to have the type of hope that exceeds the kind we have on earth. I want them to have heavenly hope that only God can give them. (May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. ~ Romans 15:13)

I pray for love. I ask for them to be filled with the love of Christ so that they can go out into the world and show others what godly love really is. (Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~ 2 Corinthians 13)

What are some of the things you pray for your children?

3rd Birthday in Heaven

Happy 3rd Birthday, Dakota.

I cannot believe that it's been three years since I saw her precious face for the first and last time. It's been three years since I held her perfect body. It's been three years since I felt her soft skin. It's been three years since I kissed her perfect little head. 

Oh God, do I miss her!!!

I know that we will be together again soon, my daughter.

I pray that you're enjoying the beautiful melody of God's choir and the heavenly hugs mixed with kisses. 

Fly high, Baby Girl

Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and Baby boy will be with you soon.

We love you very much!

Love,

Mom

Favorite Verses of the Bible

Today, I'm going to share with you the verses within the Bible that spoke to me and that I live by on a daily basis. Each verse has a special meaning for me. God wants us to study His word, learn it, and live by it. I hope this inspires you to create a verse list for yourself and push you to live by each one daily. 

- 1 Peter 4: 8 "Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins." 

This verse tells me that regardless of a person's lifestyle, beliefs, or sins, we are to love them.

****

- 1 Peter 5: 7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

I have a major problem with allowing my anxiety to control my life. This is one of the most difficult verses for me to give into because I have way too much self-control. Through prayer and with God's help, I will overcome this anxiety, and be free by casting away the anxiety from me and giving it to God.

****

- Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." 

This verse speaks to me on so many levels and makes me emotional. God is so good. He is so good where he extended His grace to me and I am saved. He gave His life for me, a sinner. I am a sinner saved by Grace and it means so much to me.

****

- Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Without this verse, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the death of my unborn daughter. I remember this verse showing up everywhere the weekend before I lost her. That Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, the Lord showed me repeatedly that I needed Him to endure what was to come. He was the first one I turned to when my heart shattered. No one but He fixed my broken heart.

What are some of your favorite Bible verses? Why?

Direction and Purpose

I've been having a hard time figuring out who I am in Christ. I've done a lot of praying and taking time with God to figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. As I listened to the whispers of God, I heard that I have been given the gift to write for His glory. I'm meant to write about my faith and love for Jesus Christ. As well as His love, grace, and mercy for those who visit this blog. 

This blog is a spin-off from my author blog and I invite each one of you to check out the bits of inspiration there by following this link: http://raebethbuda.blogspot.com/   This blog shares my books and thoughts that spiral from the works I create. 

My plan for this blog is to keep it family oriented, but Christ will be the center of ALL the writing. So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea), sit down, and relax with me. 

Let's chat....