Ignorance With Loss- Speaking Out

It's absolutely heartbreaking when I'm surfing the Internet and actually see just how ignorant people are when it comes to child loss. Today I saw a news article on wpxi.com that pertained to a couple in California who gave birth to an angel. Immediately I had to read it and absolutely loved it. I love the fact that even though it's not my story or about my precious Dakota, it's still bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I then felt the need to share Dakota's picture too. For some reason when I see anything on this subject, I have the need to put my daughter out there too. I want people to know she existed and she lived. 

What broke my heart was the response the family got to their photo's of their sleeping angel when they were brought to the attention of the public. Each comment was as if someone had taken a knife and pushed it into my heart. 

Ignorance like these comments:

• "Private pictures ok. Dead babies on the internet no."

•  "Dead Babies on the Internet" - I feel like there is a social commentary type punk rock song in here somewhere...

• People grieve in their own way but the pictures should be kept private within the family not plastered everywhere on the internet and Facebook

• I think it's morbid and constitutes abuse of corpse.

• Not sure how I feel about that one 

1 in 4 women experience child loss in some form...some experience it multiple times. I am 1 in 4. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days. If you have NEVER lost a child, feel blessed because it does change who you are and how you deal with things. I am glad people are speaking out about it and raising awareness. How dare you pass judgement on grieving mothers for having pictures done. Grow up and realize all life is precious and stop being petty. These comment dig deep down inside and bother the heck out of me. Value every second of life. 

Until you lose a child at birth, you have no idea the pain and loss you feel. I feel that no one should have to experience this. It is not warped or disturbing to take photo's of your sleeping angel. What makes you so high and mighty that you can judge? 

Those of us that have lost babies cope in different ways. Don't put the grieving parents down because it is not the way you would choose to grieve. Everyone who thinks this is morbid just can't handle the truth that yes these situations do happen. This is the truth to child loss  Families get photos because it's their child. They will share these with their future children and so on. It's comfort for them to see their little angel. 

IF you're one of those people who deem it warped or disturbing, do me a favor.... chose one of your children you choose to live life without. Yeah, pick one. Doesn't matter which. Now... imagine choosing a headstone for that child. Or how about this, imagine what that child would look like laying in a casket. You know... "dead and disturbing". Ohhh look at that... I hit a nerve. I bet you can't even imagine either one of these scenarios. Can you? 

Now.. picture funeral music playing, flowers, and your last kiss before the casket is closed forever. Remember this will be the last time you will EVER see your child again on this earth. Oh, now they're getting ready to bury your child. They lower the casket as you force yourself to look away. Next they throw the dirt in the hole where your child was just lowered. Let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!!

You have NO right to sit back and judge me as an angel mother for how I choose to deal with the loss of my child. Therefore, until you experience it.. how about you educate yourself about Pregnancy and Infant Loss? Or how about this... reach out and send comfort to a family who was forced to say goodbye before they even had the chance to say hello! Until then, I'll shout it from the roof tops and the mountain tops that my daughter LIVED! You have no right to either like or dislike what I choose to do until you have been here yourself! Plain and simple!!!! 

Things I Wish I Knew BEFORE Pregnancy After Loss (PAL)

***I read an article yesterday with the same base line of this article. I'm writing my version because there are things I'd like to add in with from my perspective. To read the original article, click here.*

Pregnancy can be an emotional, yet joyful time for a soon to be Mommy! The anticipation of meeting your newest family member builds up over the nine months and by the end of the pregnancy everyone is anxious to meet the newest family member.

However, the joys, hopes, and dreams are changed for those who are pregnant after a loss. Well, as a matter of fact, EVERYTHING changes and the angel Mom is never the same with any future pregnancies. 

Here are the things I wish I would have been told before my pregnancy with my rainbow:

1. TTC (Trying to Conceive) is an emotional nightmare. My husband and I decided that we wanted to try for our rainbow baby about three months after the loss of our precious daughter. I didn't realize how different it would be. The fun was gone and it was work once we had the agreement of my doctor. (He suggested I waited three full menstrual cycles before trying again.) The first month we tried, it wasn't successful and I felt as if I failed. The feelings that went through me were overbearing. I had a hard time with TTC and just sex in general. The fun and quality time with my husband turned into a bunch of thoughts like "I wonder if it'll happen this time?" or "I pray I'm tracking everything right so it happens now." I anxiously waited for that time of the month and when it arrived, I broke down and cried. I honestly felt like it was going to take me forever to conceive or I wasn't ever going to again. At this time, I no longer trusted my body to do it's thing because it had just failed me several months before. Then the cycle of TTC started again. It was really depressing mixed with fear and anxiety. 

2. Finding out your pregnant isn't the same as it once was. The moment the positive test came in I had mixed emotions about it. During the time we were TTC, I would imagine what the moment would be like when I finally saw that our prayers were answered. Would I scream with excitement? Would I cry from fear? Would I tell others right away or keep the news to myself?  I was four days late and felt as if it was a joke. My cruel body was doing it again. Boosting up my spirit with hope only to crash it at any moment with the dreaded menstrual time. I didn't tell my husband that I was going to take the test. He was sleeping from working the night before and I ran to the store to get the test. I took the test alone in the bathroom and those three minutes felt like forever. POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. Literally. I thought the test was wrong. It was too good to be true. I've heard it said that if it feels too good to be true...it usually is. This is what kept running through my mind. I thought the test had to be wrong and it that it was a defective test. Of course, I took another one. That too was positive. I fell to my knees and cried. Part of me wanted to believe it and the other part was trying to tell me it was a joke. Fear and anxiety snuck in at this moment even more. Once I pulled myself together and told my husband, all I could think of was "What's going to happen?" "Will I be able to handle another stillbirth if it were to happen again?" 

3. You'll constantly expect something bad to happen. Realization of the new pregnancy took a while to sink in even after taking two at home tests, I needed to have it confirmed by the doctor. This was a task all on it's own. With a stillbirth in my history, I was considered high risk from the start. The doctor did a urine test to confirm the pregnancy. This one was positive too. However, I didn't think it was right. The doctor pulled me into the ultrasound room and showed me the sack, baby, and the flicker of a heartbeat. This is when I allowed it to start sinking in. I was really pregnant. From that point on, I constantly worried about what I would see when I needed to use the restroom. I was always expecting to see blood. I was told it's normal after experiencing a traumatic ordeal like we had with our daughter. The fear that at any moment something bad will happen only leads to even more anxiety and fear.

4. The bad pregnancy symptoms most people dread, become your best friend. I know in my first pregnancy I didn't feel anything regarding those symptoms. However, with my angel I had the morning sickness like crazy. It started within my pregnancy with my rainbow too. But this time, I welcomed it. I wanted to feel sick and have my breast hurt. This was a sign to me that everything at that moment was okay. I would panic when I felt good. I automatically thought something was wrong and ran to the bathroom once again expecting to see blood. When the first trimester was coming to an end and so did the symptoms, I kept thinking something happened and the baby had died. 

5. Doctor appointments ease some of the fear. I lived for the visits to the doctor. I would count down the days until I was able to go in. However, when it came time it also brought on a new set of worries. "Will there be a heartbeat this time?" was the main question I'd ask myself on the morning of my appointments. With being high risk not only did the doctor want to see me but he also requested ultrasounds too. I remember the first ultrasound with my rainbow. I was waiting in the doctors office holding back tears because of the fear of no heartbeat when it came time for the ultrasound. At this point, this was the first ultrasound I had since I lost my daughter and I was afraid my rainbow would have the same fate. By the time I was laid back on the bed and the tech was checking the heartbeat, I could no longer hold back my tears. I cried and without realizing it, I held my breath until the tech said the heartbeat was there. This became routine at every visit.

6. Others will expect you to be okay now that you're pregnant again! What I didn't realize is that I thought this too. I thought that since I'd be pregnant... I'd be okay but this wasn't the case at all. I was and have been far from okay. Being pregnant after a loss doesn't make all those feelings from the loss go away. In fact, they only become stronger. At times I sat and remembered my pregnancy more with my angel than with my rainbow. I'd sit on the couch listening to the heartbeat on the at home doppler I purchased while remembering my angels heartbeat. This was the case during the entire pregnancy. I believe this is okay because you can't forget one child because you have another.

7. Anxiety will over take you in the first trimester when you can't feel the baby move.  I remember saying that once our rainbow would begin moving, I'd be okay. However, the road there was rough. I wanted so badly to feel our rainbow move that I ached for it at times. This would be another indication that the baby was fine. It seemed as if the first trimester went by very slowly. 

8. However, you'll worry even in the second trimester after you can feel the baby's movements. I waited so long for the movement of my rainbow. Once it had happened I wasn't sure about it. I panicked when I couldn't feel the baby move with each movement, which caused me to run back to the heart doppler again. So it wasn't as reassuring as I thought it would be.

9. The fact that you WILL obsess about the baby moving as time goes by. When the kicks were more frequent, I needed to feel them. I felt like something was wrong if I didn't feel my baby move. When I wouldn't feel him move, I would began to panic and fall back on the heart doppler. I was very tuned into the baby's movements.

10. When seeing another pregnant woman, jealousy will happen. I know this one to be true. I still do it to this day during my 34th week of pregnancy. I get mad, too. The reason is because they still have that innocent joy within their pregnancy and they don't know this new world I was forced into. At times I caught myself immediately disliking her because of her genuine smile that wasn't hiding fear in the deep dark shadows of her heart. Do I have joy now? Yes, however it's always mixed with another emotion. I don't believe I'll ever feel pure joy when it comes to my kids again.

11. You will Google or call your doctor with EVERY symptom you have. I can't tell you how many times during this pregnancy I have resorted to Googling what was going on with me and then calling the doctor. Each new thing that happens within pregnancy will have one wondering if it's normal or if it's an indication that something is wrong. 

12. Any speed bump between conception and delivery will scare you!  When I was diagnosed within this pregnancy with Polyhydramnios, which is too much amniotic fluid. I went home and cried. I explained how this made me feel in another post here. This put me on bed rest and to limit my activity to ensure I didn't bring on pre-term labor. Deep down inside I felt as if my baby had the same outcome as my angel. Each appointment is only more anxiety and doesn't help to calm me until I hear the words: You're baby isn't in danger. 

13. Fear doesn't go away as you reach birth. My loss was at 40 weeks 5 days. I have no days to "just get past" and nothing to ease my fears. The fears of loss with my rainbow only increase as I get closer to D-day. Everything during pregnancy isn't predictable and this is scary. With six weeks left, I'm a bundle of nerves and there's nothing I can do to provide some comfort. 

These are my comments with each point made in the original post. I hope this helps someone out there to see how things have been for me pregnancy wise and I hope this gives some insight to someone who is PAL.

If you are PAL, add your comments below if I missed something on my end.

Not PAL? Did this article help you understand better?

Rainbow Pregnancy- Week 34 update

Today I hit the 34th week of pregnancy. It's been rough lately with the diagnosis of the Polyhydramnios, however at today's appointment I got some great news. 

My belly is measuring great for the 34th week. Doctor said that it's measure 34 in on the measuring tape, which is right where it should be. The amniotic fluid has decreased a little bit which is good. They are still going to monitor me and baby twice a week due to the fact that it can change at any time.

The ultrasound was a blessing once again. (Who wouldn't love getting to see their unborn child every week?) Baby boy wasn't working with us. All he wanted to do was sleep. This made it hard to do the biophysical profile. He passed every point they look for within the test, except for the practice breathing. He didn't do it during the test. Therefore, this week he's scored an 8/10. That's not bad.

For those who aren't sure what a biophysical profile is... It's a test that combines an ultrasound with a non-stress test to provide more information about baby's breathing and movement, as well as the volume of amniotic fluid in the uterus. This is how they can also see where the fluid is measuring. So, it's a pretty important test. 

I go in on Thursdays for the non stress tests. Last weeks results revealed that baby is doing well in this part too. So, prayers have been answered this week. Please continue to pray for our rainbow and this situation. All prayers are greatly appreciated.

Maternity Pictures- Session One

Here's the first session of our maternity photo's. My older sister took them right after our baby shower. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

*All images are copyright protected*

I hope you enjoyed viewing the photo's as much as we did having them done. Providing baby stays where he's at for another few weeks, we plan on doing a second session!!!

Pregnancy Update- Not so Great: Week 33

On Monday July 28th I went into the doctor for my bi-weekly check up. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and then had an appointment directly after with my high risk doctor. When going in I was super stressed because I thought something was off. During the week leading up to the appointment, I was sure I was very slowly leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't run into the doctor right away because some of the things that was going on didn't match to the symptoms of leaking the fluid. 

As soon as the ultrasound tech took us back, I asked her to double check two things. The first is the sex of the baby due to the fact that I've been having dreams that we were actually having a girl. The second was the amniotic fluid to ease my concerns. Once I got comfy and she was ready, it was confirmed that we are most definitely having a little boy. It eases my concerns because I'm in the process of donating what's left of our angel baby's stuff to our church. I wanted to be sure I wouldn't need these items in the very near future. 

The second concern seemed to pan out well too. She did the measurements of the fluid and said that it was most definitely not low. Therefore, I was not leaking any fluids. After she checked these, she did the normal measurements of Jaxson's arms, legs, belly, and head. We watched him practice breath for a little bit. He wiggled around and put on a show for us. I totally enjoyed the show. 

Here are a few pictures we got from this past visit:

Hanging out and relaxing during the check.

We must have been boring. 

He stuck his tongue out at us.

He decided it was nap time.

After we got the prints from the scan, we went back out to the waiting room to wait on the doctor. I was in my glory. Up to this point within my pregnancy, I have been very blessed to have a healthy baby who's growing on track and no complications. While waiting I did what most expectant mom's do...I stared at my son's pictures with a goofy smile on my face while falling even more in love with him. 

I was called back shortly after getting comfy. This part of the appointment add a bit more reassurance for me but the ultrasounds take any anxiety away. Well, for that moment. I had my weight checked and blood pressure checked. Those were right on track. Then, the doctor came in. 

My entire world changed once again. The ease and peace of mind slowly went out the window as the doctor continued to talk. The more words she said, the closer to tears I went. I had been diagnosed with a rare condition that affects every 1 out of 100 women. That's a 1% chance of developing it. She said I have Polyhydramnios. After this, I sort of zoned out with panic and heard bits and pieces. I knew she was sending me to the lab for blood work. Then, I heard her say higher risk of another stillbirth. That was it.... I completely checked out. I no longer wanted to be there. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. 

Polyhydramnios basically means there is too much amniotic fluid in there with my baby. They went from seeing me every two weeks to twice a week. I'm on bed rest and not allowed to do anything that can cause contractions. We are praying for him to stay put until at least 37 weeks. I'm at risk for preterm labor. If the amniotic fluid goes up they are going to have to do an amniocentesis test. If the fluid goes to low they are going to have to do an emergency c section. 

After my appointment and we were on our way to the lab, I reached out to others for support and prayers. I was in shock. My rainbow baby wasn't in the total clear. Something was wrong and I couldn't fix it. I was scared and still am. I called my close family members and explained what was going on. After the lab got the blood drawn, I headed to the best place I could have been..... church. I needed the support of the Lord and my church family. 

At prayer meeting, the ladies prayed that the situation be fixed and no more complications come about. At the end of the meeting, my hope and faith had been restored. I felt calm and at ease once again. Deep down inside I still have the worry but I'm only human. In my heart, I know Jesus has this! 

So, there's the update. I go back into the doctors tomorrow morning to meet with the high risk doctor and to check in on Jaxson's vitals with a Non Stress Test. Please pray that this goes well and baby Jaxson is doing the best he can. 

Thanks everyone for your support! I truly appreciate it. Sincerely, 

Baby Jaxson- Week 31 Update

I had another appointment yesterday to check in on baby Jaxson. I was really worried about him due to all the stress I have recently been going through. He had been active for several days in a row and then his activity seemed to drop. 

As I was telling the nurse this, she suggested us to hook me up to the Non Stress Test machine for a little while to be sure the baby was doing fine.

I wasn't sure how to feel about this since I haven't gone through this part yet. The doctors have talked to us about it and have tested the baby during ultrasounds, however I wasn't put in the Non Stress test room. That ended as of yesterday. 

For those of you who haven't went through a non stress test, it's rather simple. You relax in the chair with your feet up. They have two monitors strapped to your belly. One is to measure any contractions you may have during the test and the other measures the baby's heart rate. Then, they give you a button to push when you feel baby move. It's that easy. 

The test lasted for about a half an hour. I enjoyed listening and feeling Jaxson moving. However, I do not think he likes the straps on my belly. He tried to kick them off the entire time. This was the most movement I had felt the entire 24 hours that I noticed the decrease in his movements. It was so relieving and I had to fight back tears. The relief that washed over me made me hopeful once again. 

My blood pressure and weight were good. This time when I saw the high risk doctor, the visit didn't last very long. It seemed as if she was in a rush compared to the male doctor I usually see. I had questions that I didn't quite remember to ask, so now I'll have to wait until my next appointment. Well, that unless these questions needs answers as soon as possible. 

One thing I have trouble with now that I didn't have in the beginning is restless leg syndrome. This crap drives me nuts at night because it's soooo hard to sleep. As I just fall asleep, I get the sudden urge to move my legs. At times it either feels like pins and needles or a crawling feeling all over my feet and legs. As you can guess, with the lack of sleep, I'm constantly tired. This makes for a long day the next day if I need to wake up early or I end up sleeping until eleven in the morning. (Which I hate!)

Well this is the update for this round. I go back again on July 28th. They also have me scheduled for an ultrasound to check in on Jaxson. So, I'm pretty excited to see him again. I pray the ultrasounds keep coming because they are what keep me hopeful and sane! 

Baby Jaxson Progress

I thought it would be cool to see how much my baby belly has changed since December.... take a look...

7 weeks pregnant

 17 weeks

18 weeks

24 weeks

 25 weeks

More recent photo's to come.... 

So, what do you think?