Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.

I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

Anxiety Isn't Forever

Sweaty palms....

Racing Heart....

Headache....

Stomach pains....

Hard to Breathe....

These are all some of the symptoms I feel when my anxiety is present, which happens

to be more than I care to acknowledge. 

I suffer from anxiety 

Full blown.

At any given moment, it surfaces and 

most times there's no reason.

I constantly feel as if I have a weight sitting on my chest...

My hands... I'm not quite sure what to do with them

I just have to move because of the overwhelming feeling, as if it might help.

I often find it worse when I'm riding, yes riding because I don't drive.. in the car.

Down the interstate.

I check my phone.

Put on Chapstick.

Play with my phone more.

Change the radio station, especially if the music is making it worse.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself...

Anxiety isn't forever.

It may be the one thing that follows me through my life

but one day... I'll be free.

Jesus promised me this.

I know that when I die and go home...

I'll be free.

Until then... 

I'll fight with every ounce of

strength I have. 

It's not over 

not now

not today

not in this lifetime.

But...

one day

I 

will

be.

Favorite Verses of the Bible

Today, I'm going to share with you the verses within the Bible that spoke to me and that I live by on a daily basis. Each verse has a special meaning for me. God wants us to study His word, learn it, and live by it. I hope this inspires you to create a verse list for yourself and push you to live by each one daily. 

- 1 Peter 4: 8 "Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins." 

This verse tells me that regardless of a person's lifestyle, beliefs, or sins, we are to love them.

****

- 1 Peter 5: 7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

I have a major problem with allowing my anxiety to control my life. This is one of the most difficult verses for me to give into because I have way too much self-control. Through prayer and with God's help, I will overcome this anxiety, and be free by casting away the anxiety from me and giving it to God.

****

- Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." 

This verse speaks to me on so many levels and makes me emotional. God is so good. He is so good where he extended His grace to me and I am saved. He gave His life for me, a sinner. I am a sinner saved by Grace and it means so much to me.

****

- Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Without this verse, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the death of my unborn daughter. I remember this verse showing up everywhere the weekend before I lost her. That Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, the Lord showed me repeatedly that I needed Him to endure what was to come. He was the first one I turned to when my heart shattered. No one but He fixed my broken heart.

What are some of your favorite Bible verses? Why?

Expecting After a Loss...This is for you!

My reaction for when I first saw my son and he started crying. A moment in my life I will never forget.

Dear Grieving Pregnant Mommy,

Let me start by saying that if you haven't been following my journey you probably don't already know that I am a mother of an angel who gave birth to her rainbow baby five months ago. So, it hasn't been that long since I was where you are now. The feelings that you are feeling...yes they are normal. Quite normal to be honest. If you find yourself crying, go for it. It's okay to cry. Believe me, the pregnancy journey after a loss is an emotional on. Boy, oh boy let me tell you what a day it will be when you give birth to your rainbow baby and your precious bundle of joy is handed to you....ALIVE!!!! 

I honestly didn't think I would reach that point. I found myself thinking about how I would handle going "through it again." How would I react? Could I handle it if I lost this baby I was carrying in the same womb who failed me almost a year before? I thought about the different things I would want for his funeral that we didn't have for our angel, Dakota. I couldn't even bring myself to think of having a shower for him because I didn't want all these items sitting around my house reminding me of what isn't. Just like the same baby items sit from Dakota's shower reminding me of what we lost. 

For some reason, planning a funeral over a baby shower was easier for me. It wasn't very long ago that I was forced to have a funeral and I wasn't prepared. This time around, I was going to be prepared. I even went to the extent of having the same funeral home's number, address, and what not in my hospital bag. I had the take taker of the cemetery's number, too. I didn't make this known to those around me because all they would have said was... it's going to be all right. That's one thing that I heard, time and time again. "Everything is going to be all right. Have faith in God." 

Up until I gave birth to our rainbow, I didn't prepare at all. Yes, we ended up having a small baby shower for him. But everything sat as it was when it was carried from the car. Gift bags cluttered my living room, as well as a crib that hadn't been set up. Bottles weren't cleaned and sterile. Diapers were still unwrapped. I just couldn't bring myself to set up and prepare for bringing baby home. In all honesty, I felt as if it were going to be time wasted. 

I didn't purchase anything for our son during the pregnancy, until my husband decided to go to the all town yard sale. Of course, I dreamed of seeing my son in the different outfits, shoes, and other baby items we saw during our walk around town, but I couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. My husband on the other hand saw the need to get ready for our son. He arranged the pick up of all the clothes he purchased that day. I couldn't handle it. I walked away.

That, too, is okay. I only did what I knew I was able to handle and you can too. Don't feel ashamed for being scared. You have every right to be. You will have people telling you that you can't live in the fear or be scared to prepare for the very different future you'll be facing. However, they really do not know what we know. Right? They really haven't experienced death like we have. We are always grieving and I believe we will never stop. We know what it's like to feel death come from our bodies, which were once full of life. We know heartbreak that won't ever end.

I can personally tell you that the journey through pregnancy after a loss is another trying period within your life, but totally worth it. Believe me, my pregnancy with my rainbow was very trying. On top of all the fear and worry, the pregnancy didn't go without complications. At about seven months into the pregnancy with my rainbow, I found out that I had polyhydramnios. It occurs in about one in every 100 pregnancies. It can lead to developmental abnormalities or pregnancy complications.Of course, on top of worrying about my son and him dying before I got to meet him, I now had even more stacked against me. I had to worry about going into labor prematurely. I had to worry about a prolapsed cord during labor when my water broke. If a prolapsed cord happened, my son would be cut off from his oxygen supply and his nutrients. This scared the crap out of me. 

So, when I tell you it's worth it when you FINALLY hear your screaming baby...IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! 

***Keep a look out for my writing updates on my book, Journey to Our Rainbow (working title) here on my author blog. ***

What I Want You to Know About Anxiety

Anxiety (aNGˈzīədē/) noun- a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks. It's a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

I suffer with anxiety. I believe that those who also suffer from this disorder would agree when I say that it's not only difficult for us but for those around us too. I have created a list of things I think others without anxiety should know.

1. Anxious people are grateful for their loved ones. At times those who are around those who suffer from anxiety would say that they are ungrateful or a killjoy. In reality that's partly understandable. Anxious people are the champions at coming to the worst possible conclusion almost instantly. IN a round about way, that's not really who I am. That's not what we are. In fact, when I'm not having a anxious day, I can be pretty optimistic. I love life and I'm thankful for life. I am very grateful for what I have and for what the Lord has blessed me with. Please realize that I don't mean to focus on the bad. Most of the time I just can't help it. 

I have a few words for my friends and family. I am grateful for you. I appreciate you. You (especially my husband) are the light at the end of the tunnel that I look forward to embracing. You try your hardest to understand me and you are willing to stay by my side. So, thank you.  

2. It's hard for me to shake some of my fears, so please don't try to make me. I know that at times they may seem a bit crazy. I find myself thinking of crazy "what if" moments all the time. I can't push them away and they always seem to creep up on me when I am alone. I think about what might happen when I'm home alone. I think about what might happen while my family and I are out driving. I think about what might happen to my children. All of these thoughts, mostly bad thoughts follow. I think of different scenarios that could happen and they vividly play out in my mind. I can't help it. These just happen.

***

Please remember that those who have anxiety issues never mean some of their actions. They just happen. Then we dwell on those actions later when we realize that we should have acted differently. I'm here to tell you and help you see that our disposition has nothing to do with you. Please don't get angry at us. Anxiety itself is pretty exhausting when I sit ruminating about everything that possibly could have done wrong, are doing wrong, or could do wrong. I cry at times. It's an emotional roller coaster. Remember this. 

If you suffer from anxiety, what are some ways you cope?

If you don't, how do you plan to help someone you know who may be anxious?

Still in Disbelief- Disrespect as it's MAX

One thing that I have been boiling over and can't seem to let go is when a man allows his best friend to openly disrespect his wife! Yep, you read that right. I am that woman who was recently disrespected by my husbands best friend. Every marriage will have it's ups and downs! I feel that if a man loves his wife, he'd do everything to protect her. He would NEVER allow someone to do this. 

My husband and I were having a typical argument within our marriage. Things were said that we didn't mean. It even came close to one of us leaving. However, this didn't concern my husbands best friend. 

On the 9th of November, I was getting my son ready for church when I got these messages from my husbands best friend:

Let me explain what is being talked about: This friend (which I'm going to name Donkey) needed a ride to pick up his car in another state about an hour away. My husband did not tell me that he agreed to help until just a few minutes before Donkey showed up. I had made plans with Sunshine for the day where she'd be able to spend it with her Daddy. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Not only that but Hubby left here and forgot some VERY important things that I needed for the kids. Of course this didn't leave me happy.

Now, as for the kids. Up to this point, I felt as if my Husband didn't want our marriage any longer. However, this wasn't anyone's concern, except for ours. We have had fights before and my emergency plan is to go to my Mothers. Of course I would take my children with me because their father couldn't have them with the way he works. He works too much to give them the proper attention. Where this is Donkey's business??? Beats me! 

Needless to say I followed his advice and removed any and ALL contact I had with him. Not only was he supposed to be my husbands friend, he was supposed to be mine as well. Here I am thinking I am being a friend to him when I am keeping a secret of his. She's pregnant after a miscarriage, so I didn't want to add any more stress to her. 

When I addressed this situation with Hubby, he told me that Donkey was allowed to have his own opinion. He said that this was okay. WHAT!!! How in the world is it okay for him to talk to me like that? I'm writing this post because it hurts me. To this day, Hubby still talks to Donkey like nothing happened, all the while I'm still hurting over what was said.

1. I am a very loving and caring person. Example: I opened my home to Donkey on multiple occasions when he had no where else to go.

2. Sorry, Sir but it seems as if you have a thing for drama. If you truly knew me, you'd know that I am the type of person who avoids it at all costs. I have my own drama in my life... I don't need you adding to it. 

3. If you are going to tell me what my God thinks of me... perhaps you should get it right! Go read the Bible and then come talk to me. My God is a very forgiving God and doesn't hold a grudge. He knows that his people will have attacks on their marriages from Satan. However, since we turned to the Lord once again, we are doing just fine.

Pre-Conception Appointment is Scheduled

Well, even though the decision was tough, I finally mustered the guts to call the doctor. My husband and I are ready for our rainbow baby. We have been eagerly waiting for this time of the year. The last meeting I had with my doctor, he said that we would check in after summer and at the beginning of fall to see if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

As of yesterday, I called and made the appointment. To my surprise, they scheduled it for October 31, 2013. When I heard the woman say this date, my breath caught in my throat. This was the same day I found out I was pregnant with Dakota, only it was last year.

After a while of thinking, I realized that it's not the same. I won't be going in to confirm a pregnancy. I'll be going in to see if I can get pregnant and see if my body is ready for it.  I'm really nervouse about the appointment. I'm worried that my doctor will tell us we have to wait even longer.

I just want my rainbow baby. My heart aches when I hear of someone else being pregnant or hearing that someone just had a baby. So far, the youngest baby I can be around is about 9-12 months old. If I come in contact with a baby younger, I can't talk, touch, or even look at the little one. It hurts too bad. Once I'm out of view of people, I break and cry. It's a rough journey, and I can't wait for the day happiness returns for me.

Anger and Lonely With a Touch of Broken

Dear God I am so angry today. Nothing I do makes me not angry. There are so many things that I have seen which added to my anger and I have only been awake for a few hours. I feel like I could kick and scream like a child. The hurt I feel is so unexplainable. I feel like people and my family have already forgotten my little butterfly Dakota. I am angry that they aren't sad anymore. It's not fair that I am still in this stand still while they moved on. You would think that since Dakota was their blood family, it'd still hurt. But I was wrong.

Someone had told me..."How can you miss someone you never met, kiss, or held?" That's the thing, these people did meet her. They did kiss her. They did hold her. Some had seen the pain front hand with me.

At times I feel like people avoid me or have forgotten about us. We are still hurting. We still need them but it doesn't seem like they are there. I have seen so many people come out of the wood work (for the lack of better words) the day my daughter passed and on the day of her funeral. I heard so many times... I am here if you need me. Call me anytime. Day or Night." I have called but most of the time, people don't answer their phone. I'm left to go to my room to scream and cry it out.... alone. I'm so tired of being physically alone.

I have a huge support system online but they can't help when I physically feel that I need a hug or a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

It's been three months and this emotional roller coaster is a nightmare. This path is really a lonely one to walk because no one around me (besides my husband) knows how I feel. No one knows what to say. I'm alone and it hurts so bad!

Less than Two Months

Here I am again to check in with everyone. I sort of can't wait until after the wedding so I can begin blogging here everyday again. The wedding plans are stressful but coming along. The closer it gets.. the more anxiety I feel but I'm sure it comes with the whole wedding/getting married thing.

Below is a sample of my wedding invites that I chose..... What do you think?

I love it because it reminds me of my favorite author: Edgar Allan Poe!!! Next on the list is gathering the rest of the decorations and getting odds and ends that are left.

I want to thank everyone who has followed me on this journey and I will be back later for another up date. I hope you enjoyed this one. Have a wonderful week.

Living With Depression and Anxiety

The title says it all. I'm currently battling depression and anxiety. I have been since I was a child. I recall as I was growing up, everyone calling my emotional turns as "RaeBeth moments." When in reality, it was depression and anxiety. When I'd be having an emotional day, family would ask me, "Is it raining in your world?" Both of these "tags" were given to me even though deep down inside they hurt my feelings. I didn’t, and still don't, understand what's going on.

I have been to several different doctors about this and I have tried many different medications. I have lost people within my life because they just couldn't handle my "difficult" attitude. When in reality, they couldn't handle me with depression. At times, I don’t feel like even getting out of bed. I just want to sleep. I even say that I hate my life. I hate the depression and anxiety. I hate that people around me take it as a joke and not something serious. They take me as a joke and not serious. When deep down inside, I just want them to understand.

I want the jokes to stop. I don't want to feel worthless in everything I do. I want to feel loved and respected. There has been many times where I contemplated taking my own life. But then my daughter's beautiful smiling face comes into my mind. I can't bare leaving her behind. I don't want her to grow up without her mother. So, I get up and push on. I have a hard time with normal daily tasks. Ones that others find second nature to them. Such as fixing my hair or doing my makeup.

There are days where I just feel over-whelmed and it seems the entire world is against me. Like everyone is out to get me. On days such as today, I don't want to be around people. I only want the comfort of my home. I hardly leave my house. It takes me everything I have and everything I am just to get ready knowing that eventually I have to walk out the door. Once I am out my door, I do have fun. I do enjoy the time. It's just pushing myself to do it that is hard.

I find myself making excuses when it comes to family gatherings and holidays where I will be around a lot of people. I just don't like leaving my home. If I'm out shopping, I try to keep myself close to one of the exits to ensure that if a panic attack comes on, I can leave without making a scene. I keep my cell phone in hand (if my fiancé and daughter go off while I do the shopping) so I can easily call him and tell him that it's time to go. This happens to me all the time.

Life with depression and anxiety is hard. Every day it seems as if you’re on a roller coaster of emotions. But you just don’t know which emotion will hit you first. I wish for each tear that I cry; that's how many more people understand depression and see that it's real. Each tear that falls, I wish that just one more person will look at me like I'm human and not just "over-emotional." FYI I can't control the emotions therefore over-emotional doesn't even begin to describe what I feel.

In conclusion, it seems that medications only make it worse and talking to a complete stranger isn't what I call logic.... the best way I can figure to deal with this is to talk about it and find someone out there that understands. Someone I can talk to and confide in without the fear of judgment. I know that person is out there; if so, I'm begging you, PLEASE find me.