Capture Your Grief - Day 14 - Express Your Heart

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Express your heart with grieving. The powerfully painful transformation can turn you into a person of gratitude or into a person of negativity. I was both. Now, I'm the person of gratitude. During my journey with grief, I have experienced so many things that blessed me or angered me. That's what I'll be talking about today.

Words hurt. Actions hurt. Unfortunately, people don't realize this. Let me talk about the words part of this. From the moment we wake to the time we go to bed, we express ourselves with our words. There are phrases that we (angel parents) dread to hear directly after a loss. We don't want to hear that there was anything remotely wrong with our child. We don't want to hear that God has a plan and this is part of it. We don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason. To us, these are empty words. There's nothing in this world that can help us feel better. My best advice is just to pray for us. Tell us you're praying for us. Instead of using your words to comfort us and show you care, use your actions! Actions could be... cleaning up our house. Helping with our other children who are hurting too. Cook for us. I'm using the word "us" because when a baby dies... so many people are touched by this loss and only one person remains in the light of it all.... Mothers. People comfort and support mothers every way you look at it. But some do not remember the fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. 

Now for that word... action... When helping a family through a loss such as stillbirth, which is what I have experience with... REMEMBER THE DAD'S AND SIBLINGS. They are grieving too. Bring a gift to them as well. This could be in the form of a physical gift, being there to physically help these members of the family, or just to let them use you when they need you.

In addition, actions that you're doing can directly hurt these grieving families. I see this today, as well as within the past few years. People who claim to love me as their own blood family, forget and refuse to acknowledge my daughter. I see these people talk about how much they love me or my living children. They claim me as a sister or a granddaughter but fail to realize that if they do not accept the child of mine who died.... they're not accepting me. I will not take this easy. If you're going to claim to be family to me and refuse to acknowledge the life that I carried for 40 weeks 5 days, then you're not going to acknowledge me or my children in anything. FAMILY sticks together in all the hard times life seems to throw at you. You can't pick or choose which rough times you can be my family. So, if you refuse to say that Dakota is part of your family... then kindly back away from my living children and me. We are not family.

I've accepted her death, it's about time for you to do so as well!!!

Capture Your Grief - Day 13 - Regrets + Triggers

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Regrets during my journey of grief:

1. I regret not being able to bathe and dress my angel. (I never got to do this.)

2. I regret not laying a baby blanket in her forever bed with her.

3. I regret allowing others to tell me how I should be grieving and listening to them.

4. I regret not being more grateful and more excited for her during my pregnancy.

5. I regret not holding on to her longer when I had the opportunity.

6. I regret that I didn't fight harder for her when I knew something was wrong and her doctor wouldn't listen to me.

7. I regret not making sure more photo's were taken of us. (Yes we had pictures done but I have one photo of me and my angel and it's blurry.)

8. I regret the fact that I wasn't the mother my oldest daughter needed while she was grieving too.

9. I regret not keeping up with the letters to my angel in her notebook and vow to start writing to her again.

10. I regret not knowing her exact weight, length, or more details of her that I'm slowly losing over time.

Triggers:

1. Baby girl clothes in the store.

2. Seeing her name written somewhere.

3. Certain ways my rainbow baby looks while he sleeps.

4. Fall to winter because I can't see butterflies on a daily basis.

5. When someone doesn't acknowledge that she existed when listing their nieces or grandkids on a card or social media. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

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The writing prompt for today is on normalizing grief. Some believe that this journey is nothing but heartache and pain. I wrote a post earlier this year that I believe ties into this post. You can view it here: Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

In addition to the post, my thoughts for today are this:

Grief is what you make of it. At first, it's hard. Actually, it's very hard. When I started my journey, I felt defeated and powerless. It took me close to two years to realize that I was allowing the grief to

control my life and that's when I decided to take control. I wasn't going to submit to it any longer. Yes, my daughter was here. Yes, my daughter died. However, I didn't have to stay in the state of loss and feeling sadness over it. Instead, I pulled myself together and started honoring her life in more than one way.

The first thing I decided to do was bring to light that she existed so I needed to tell the world. I managed to do this by writing our journey in a book and publishing it on Amazon for the world to read. I figured by doing this, I'm bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, as well as bringing her story, our journey to those who are going through it too. I figured that I could help them by sharing our journey. 

The next thing I decided to do was always honor my angel with different things throughout the year. Each holiday/season, I redecorate her forever bed for her to show my love. By doing this, I'm allowing myself to acknowledge life the way it is and to express the love for her that I can't physically show her.

Each holiday I include her in some way. Most of the time, I light her candle or I sing songs that remind me of her. At times, I even have my family and friends join in.

This is my normalizing grief for me and it works for me.

If you're on this journey with me, what is it that you do to normalize grief in your life?

Capture Your Grief - Day 11 - Glow In The Woods

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My glow in the woods would be my church sisters from Noah's Ark Assembly of God Church in Fairview, West Virginia. They helped me find the light of Christ when my world was filled with darkness. I have a small message for each one of them who have reached out to me and touched me in some way.

Alison- Girl, you have no idea what you do for me. I feel such a closeness to you and I love you as if you are more than just my sister in Christ. Your thoughts, prayers, guidance, and advice has helped me see things when I was blind to them. They gave me hope and helped keep my faith strong.

Shannon- From one angel mom to another: Thank you for everything. Over the many women who I have met during this journey, you have touched my heart. Your prayers aren't going unnoticed because I can see the Lord working around me and within my life. Thank you for supporting me in my journey and loving me when I couldn't love myself.

Carolyn- I gotta thank you for your sternness and guidance. There were times where I remember you telling me what the Lord needed for me to do so I could see the joy once again. Many people have told me to "Let go and let God", but it took your will and love to get me to see this. 

Barbie- Thank you for being the first person to just hold me and cry with me. To this day, I remember it and it brings tears to my eyes. No words were said during that time, but there didn't need to be because I felt the love of the Lord. That hug meant so much to me. You're the one to softened my heart so I could hear what the Lord needed me to hear.

To all the women within Noah's Ark:

Thank you for being you. Thank you for making me smile when I needed it. Thank you for making me laugh when I needed a laugh. Thank you for holding me, praying with me, and just helping me be the best Me I can be. I love you all. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 10 - W O R D S

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I wrote this a while ago and it still rings true for me. I did some editing to the original post to make it more fitting for me today. 

You can see the original post here.

I am STRONG because at 19 years old, I gave birth to my first daughter, Emma. She cried but one time and stared into my eyes while I held her. 

I am STRONG because I gave up college for that moment in time for the life I was meant to have.

I am STRONG because, at 23 years of age, my daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder and Pica.

I am STRONG because at 25 years old, I became pregnant with my second daughter, Dakota. She was born May 27, 2013, and didn't make a sound. 

 

I am STRONG because on June 1, 2013, I buried my child, and I had never thought I would bury a child, but that my child would bury me.

I am STRONG because we didn't get to bring Dakota home. At 40 weeks 5 days, my daughter's heart stopped beating for an unknown reason.  

I am STRONG because I turned to God in my painful time and managed to continue with my life.

I am STRONG because even after our loss, we managed to try to conceive again.

I am STRONG because I have faith in God and he blessed us with our Rainbow baby.

I am STRONG because although you see me as parent with two children, I’m actually a mother of 3.

I am STRONG because parenting after a loss is tough and I AM making it!

I am STRONG because I am a SURVIVOR!!!

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

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My intention for my life is to be more grateful in life. I can remember a good part of my life included complaints about every aspect. I unintentionally found the negative in every situation and always thought about the worse case. Since the death of my daughter, I felt overwhelmed by the sorrow in my heart and it caused me not to care for life or those around me. 

I want to continue being the grateful, happy, and joyful person I found only a few months ago. I feel as if I'm alive again and those who are around me seem to be happier with this change. I have dedicated my life to living for Christ and following His lead. 

My intention is to be a better mother, wife, and friend. In addition to being more grateful, I'm going to open my heart for total healing from our loss. I want to take our daughter's short life and make her memory sweet. I want my living children to grow knowing the right way to live. I want to find the blessing God has provided for me each and every day.

Light of Love Candle Memorial

If you would like to join in with celebrating 

Dakota's 1st Birthday in Heaven.... 

There's a to do it....

.... Join in with the Balloon Release from your backyard.

Then light a candle and let it burn on May 27th for her

 during the hour of 6 PM to 7 PM (eastern time). She was

 born at 6:17 AM,

 however I we said our goodbyes between 6 & 7 in the

 evening of the 27th.

This event will run from the day Rae-Beth was due with

 Dakota to the day she was born. (May 22 to May 27)

**When doing the balloon release, please take a picture of

your balloon and post it within the event.**

Inside of my Story...

"We lost her. We lost the baby." - This was the first thing I said to my baby sister as reality set in on the day my husband, daughter, and I lost our much anticipated newest addition to our family to stillbirth. Dakota Emily Buda was born into heaven on May 27, 2013. From that point on, my life has changed in so many ways.

At this point, I wonder if anyone even cares. It's like the moment someone hears the words, "my baby died" they turn their attention else where. It's so hard to know when I can fully express myself and my feelings. As a person grieving, I'm the type who needs to express how I feel or these feeling will kill me on the inside.

 Everyday is a struggle. I wake with an attitude where I don't want the heartache to control me, but sometimes the pain over rides me. Anything can add to this as well. As of lately, it seems as if I am seeing newborn baby girls and pregnant women everywhere. Of course, it hurts like hell. But I'm to the point where I feel, expressing myself is wrong. People are tired of hearing it. They're getting annoyed. Although this may not be the case, it's how I feel.

I hate it. It's like I'm living in this world alone. Yes, I know other angel mommies but their many miles away from me. A virtual hug is nothing close to the real thing. It's sad to say, but I don't even have my husband to talk to. It hurts him too much to talk. So, he'd rather not talk about Dakota.

Where are all those people that hugged me on the day of Dakota's funeral, while telling me, "If you need anything...anything at all. Call me. I will be there. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. I will be there."

Phone call after phone call.... it's one excuse after another. Sorry I can't talk because.... that's how it always starts. So much for being there for me.

STOP and I mean STOP telling me I need to see a doctor. If and when I decide I NEED one, I'll seek one. But right now, I have GOD. He's the ultimate doctor. If He can't heal me (which isn't possible) then who can? STOP telling me I'm not giving it all to Christ, because I am. You don't see me behind closed doors, sitting on my bed, and crying out in prayer over my Bible.

I'm tired of people telling me how to grieve or what isn't right about what I am doing. EVERYONE does their own ways when it comes to grieving. I hate when you do this. It makes me feel worse.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE LEFT ALONE? I'll let you know when I need you, but when I do... I'm looking for comfort... not for the "advice" of going to a shrink. In all honesty, I have yet to find one in my area that my insurance pays for.... that IS an angel parent. No text book out there can tell me how to get better.

In closing, back off and let me breath. Believe me... I know when I'm not okay and I'll know when and if I need the help of a doctor. But for now.... let me..... be me!!!

Remembering Our Angels Event

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month- October

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members on work to prevent causes of these problems.

Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignancy to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss...

The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October in 1988, as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month" and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

NOW, THEREFORE, I RONALD REAGAN, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.

Ronald Reagan
Former President
United States of America

*******

As a mother of a stillborn, I am asking for those who would like to help show their support to join in with me during the month of October. The graphic at the top of the page is designed to fit your Facebook cover. Please display this cover during the entire month of October. I am also asking that you change your profile picture to the awareness ribbon. If you join in, let me know below. I'd love to see just how big I can make this event. 

Then on October 15^th, Wave of Light candle vigil is held at 7 PM as something everyone can participate in. I am asking that you light a candle on the 15th of October at 7PM and let it burn for an hour. The burning candle will represent each unborn and newborn baby that has gained their wings. If you'd like, take a photo of your burning candle and place it in the Facebook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/527032267374690/

Feel free to use any of the ribbons as your Facebook profile picture below:

In Memory of My Daughter, Dakota.

Mid-Month Update for April

It's been a while since I've posted. Sorry about that. Things around here are crazy. I've been working hard on my newest book which is untitled at the moment. I've been doing book reviews like crazy as well as author interviews on my other blog, The Writing World.

I've been being a momma to one special little girl. I'm so proud of her. She's been making great grades in school and has been learning so much.

I wanted to do a little shout out:

Congratulations to my niece, Rae Lee Danielle !!!!! Her name is in today's paper for HIGH HONORS for the third nine-week grading period.

Congratulations to my daughter, Emma. She also made HIGH HONORS this grading period.

I'm proud of both of you. Keep up the GOOD WORK !!!!!

If you would like to keep in contact with me and you're a reader or writer, feel free to visit my writing facebook page. 

I do have a review coming up for a children's book on bullying. Keep your eyes open for it. I think this is a great one and it was fun to read with my daughter. (The million times she's asked me to read it and the number keeps getting higher.)

I'm still making progress on my wedding. Although I don't have pictures to post on it today. There are some things I can't due to the groom. He might see the post and well... as tradition says.. he can't see some of the stuff.

How's your weekend going? 

Mine is rather busy. I've been making great progress on my book, which I will be telling all my readers about soon on my writing blog and facebook. 

So there you have it. Our round about update. 

I'd love to hear some exciting news from you. If you have any to share, feel free to leave them in the comments below. 

Have a wonderful week!!!!

Come and Share.... Exciting

I'm inviting everyone over to my Facebook page to share..... whatever they like....as long as it's not misleading, spam, or inappropriate. If you have a blog post you'd like to share... post a link.... the same with your website or your own Facebook page. I'll be accepting the posts up until Sunday.

Perhaps adding in your link and checking out others .... you can find a new blog or page to follow... and hey, you may even make a new friend.

Come on over and start posting. :) RaeBeth's Corner Facebook Page

Facebook Fan Page

I would love for everyone to hop on over to my facebook page and check it out. You can use this as another means to keep updated on new posts, blog hops, reviews, and awesome giveaways that I find. Please let me know if you have a page as well and I will check it out. I'm always looking for new facebook friends. :)

Check out the page here:

RaeBeth's Corner Facebook Page

Facebook Page

I'm inviting all followers to check out my FB page. I'd love to see each one of you "like" the page. If you have a page, please leave the link in your comment and let me know you liked the page.

Here's the link: Come Over And Join