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Monday, March 24, 2014

Pregnancy Dreams

I do not own the copyright to this photo. (C)
Many women would agree that dreams within a pregnancy are something else. Most of the time my dreams are funny and entertaining. But, what about dreams during a pregnancy after one experienced a loss? Dreams then come in a variety. Most of the time, my dreams result in my waking up in tears, as I did today.

My favorite dream this far was with two kangaroos. The dream went a bit like this:

Hubby and I were at the park with our rainbow baby while our oldest daughter was at school. I had a little girl full of smiles in my arms as I played with her. As I was talking to her, I noticed she wasn't saying much and I recall saying to her, "Baby girl we should work on your words. By the time Sissy was your age, she was talking so much." Then I looked over the baby's head to the left and saw an enormous kangaroo headed our way. Quickly I yelled for my husband and told him we needed to hide. We found a play set made for younger children and hid under it. I listened for the kangaroo and when I saw it, it ran right into the fence surrounding the park. Once it recomposed itself, it hopped over the fence and ran to the other side of the park. While I waited to see what this kangaroo was going to do, I cuddled our baby girl closely to my chest. 

A few minutes later, I saw two kangaroo's headed back towards us. The crazy thing was that they were riding a bicycle. Immediately I recall asking my Husband about when they learned how to ride bikes. (This part makes me giggle.)

Once they reached us, the male kangaroo bent down to our view and asked if we knew of any other kangaroo's that he could set his son up with and start a family. I told him no and that he shouldn't be pressing a relationship onto his son kangaroo unless his son was interested. 

That's when I woke up. Yep, a totally pointless dream but yet it was entertaining. 
Now, there are dreams that I HATE having. The type of dreams that are so vivid that when you wake up, you still think you're in that dream. Well, I had one of those this morning. Let me tell you what I recall from this dream. (I only remember pieces.)

I was visiting a good friend of mine in my old town where I grew up. I remember it was a cold winter night. The snow was coming down so hard I could hardly see my surroundings. As Heather and I stood on her front porch, she had asked me, "Did you have your baby yet?" I replied to her, "No, we didn't get our rainbow, she died right before I gave birth to her." **This is when an image of a baby girl lying on her side came into mind for a small second.*** I continued to tell Heather, "We plan on burying her in the same plot with her sister and getting a double headstone for them. I figured putting them together, they wouldn't be alone." Then, I busted into tears.

The next part of the dream I remember is...

My Husband, Mom, and I went back to the same funeral home that took care of Dakota. I took another beautiful dress and headband to him for our rainbow baby. Once he had her outfit, I told him that I'd like to dress her because I never once got to dress Dakota. He allowed it. That's when I saw this beautiful little baby girl who looked like her sister laying on a cold, metal table. We walked over to her and I dressed her through my tears. I was yelling out that it wasn't fair for us to keep having baby's and them be taken away like that. 

After she was dressed and we kissed her farewell, we headed upstairs to the funeral director's office to pick out the casket, do paperwork, and write up the obituary. 

The dream jumps to here:
Family once again surround us a little over a year after we laid Dakota to rest. But this time it was for our rainbow baby. My sister played music from her phone once again, although this time a different song played. I stood at the side of our precious daughter's grave crying. I could tell that by this point crying was all I had done because my eyes were so sore. The salt from my tears burned as they fell from my eyes. I screamed up to the sky. My heart was shattered only this time it felt much worse. I recall saying, "How many times can a heart be broken before it's beyond repair?" Then I fell to the ground crying for both of my daughters. 

Then, I end up here:
I'm laying in bed hugging another pink blanket while I cry. I laid there crying for hours. I even saw daylight coming on in the sky. I promised myself from that point on I would never try for another child because I wasn't going to do this over and over again. I balled myself up while holding my empty belly and screamed out in agony.

That's when I woke up. The scene before me was the same as I last saw in my dreams. I had tears coming down my face, the sun was beginning to rise, and I was holding onto Dakota's pink blanket. This briefly made me believe my dream was real. I silently laid there crying so I wouldn't wake my husband. That's when my alarm went off. I quickly turned it off and got out of bed. I came downstairs to notice there weren't any traces of papers that said I was at the funeral home. I looked at my Facebook to finally realize it had all been a dream. 
Man I hate dreams like that!!!

1 comment:

  1. Although I would LOVE to know what u were on when u had that kangaroo have thoughts about the others..It sounds like you are letting your fears get to you. Honey..God needed Dakota for a reason...HE knew what HE was doing.Although she looked totally normal...there was apparently something VERY wrong with her..we may never know just what it was,,,but HE does!! Dakota is happy..healthy & free now!...But just because she didn't make it..does not mean this little one will pass as well..Look at Emma! She is perfect! know how hard it is to hear it...But it just "happened" with Dakota honey..please understand I love you dearly..but pray even harder God eases these fears in your heart so you can enjoy the pregnancy.I had LOVED being pregnant! Even when I was at my sickest point..I knew I had a beautiful miracle in my tummy that only ME could make happen! Just like Emma & Dakota...Only YOU could have made those little miracles happen..of course Greg played his it was only YOU..YOU were the chosen one to be their mommy!! And now u have another precious miracle! Please try to relax a little and enjoy this very precious time!


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