The Uncomfortable Truth

Trust & Forgiveness

My biggest struggles in life right now.

A lot has happened to get me to the point in my life where

I struggle to forgive this particular person. You see.. when I thought I 

had forgiven them, something came up to show me that this person wasn't being the person

they were putting off. They would repeatedly do the exact things to hurt me, yet expect

me to continually forgive them..

... and I did because what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't forgive those

who has wrong me like Christ forgave those who wronged him? 

At times, I feel as if these feelings were going to consume me; leaving me unable to trust

fully once again. A lot of the time, I found myself living these past struggles, instead of enjoying 

the here and now. I couldn't help it though. 

The thought of this person being in these situations.. doing the things they did... replay in my mind 

like a movie I never intended to see. I often wonder if the words of encouragement, love, and endearment are real or if they're just a cover for more things going wrong. I struggled to set boundaries for myself; telling myself to let go. I remembered thinking that if I could just forgive...then I could move on. Then I wondered if it were pointless or worth saving.

I am often faced with the dilemma of... "Is it time to walk away to save me?" When is it okay to stop the hurt and say that it's enough?

Apology after apology.

Wrongdoing after wrongdoing.

Lies.

Deceit.

Secrets.

It's like a never-ending cycle. 

I can't make them change, regardless of how much I desire for them to do so. I try to talk with them, so they know the way I feel. This goes either one of two ways...

1. They never have anything to say....

OR

2. Their actions are a result of my inaction.

Then, I feel like I hit a brick wall.... again.

Communication halted.

A few days pass...

and we go on like nothing happened.

Everything was swept under the rug.

Except now...

now I am expected to carry on while carrying 

the hurt, anger, and pain.  

Never seems as if the cycle will end...

... unless....

I walk away.

Walking away....

the thought hurts and questions take over.

My heart aches thinking about it

but I know I have a choice to make.

They say history repeats itself...

... does this pertain to relationships?

If only they would fully open up and talk.

Put into action the words that they speak.

Show love...ALL the time. Not for a week and then go right back.

- Anonymous 

Faith in Action: What is Faith?

Faith.

I asked today on my Facebook page, what does faith mean to you? 

Here are my thoughts to this question:

Life. Faith to me means life. In today's world, many claim they have faith and are living a life full of faith. To some, it's a bonus to living with Christ. It's something that's optional or completely misunderstood. I have seen this. I have told others who I have seen going through trying times to have faith. They've responded, "I have faith but..."

NO!! STOP!!

There aren't any BUT'S in faith. 

When one has faith, they turn EVERYTHING, every worry, fears, and all anxiety to Him. Everything. They take their issues directly to the Lord and ask for the help, strength, and wisdom to get through whatever it is they're facing. Then, they LET IT GO!! Once you give it to God, don't look back. Don't worry about it. Don't give into the whispers to the ears from the enemy. 

Faith isn't perfected overnight. It's an ongoing process that EVERY Christian must work on. I don't believe anyone has perfect faith because if that were the case.... then, they'd be right there beside Christ. 

Faith is an important part of the life of a Christian. It's vital to our walk. My faith helps make the world around me make sense. It shows me that no matter what I'm facing, God is with me and HE knows what's going to happen, so I don't need to worry about the ending. I know this because I'm His child and He will take care of me. Everything will happen according to his plan.

Faith is my identity and way of life. I may struggle with it at times but when I catch myself not showing faith, I pull the reins and pull my faith back. 

Faith is a form of trust in the Lord when you can't actually see Him. It's given just as love is, unconditionally. 

Faith isn't stepping into a situation and having doubt. When faced with a difficult situation, one must fully rely on God. They can't claim that they have faith if they let worry, anxiousness, fear, doubt, or any other negative feelings in. When one has faith, they let go and let God. Then, they don't worry about the situation again because God WILL take care of it. 

**This is my views for now.... I may add to it at another time.**

Simple Question; Unsure Answers

It's a question we all hear. It's asked in the morning before church. Some ask this question when talking on the phone. It's more like a greeting than an actual question. But I come to wonder, what do people really mean when they ask... "How are you?"

I come to you with this post because many times during church events this weekend, I've been asked this question. In America, some would say that it's a simple way to say "Hello." 

When someone asks me "How are you?", I have an internal battle. Do I answer with a simple, "I'm good?" Or do they really want to know how I'm doing?

If we were talking about asking the actual question to see how a person is holding up, I'd have a lot to say. I'd say that I'm about to have a breakdown. Bills are stacking up. There isn't enough money to take care of simple things like our water bill, gas, or electric bills. We're at risk of losing everything we have. Food is scarce and I had to send my daughter to her grandmothers for the week because of the lack of food. I'd tell them that I'm sitting here, on my birthday, stomach growling and one option.... pasta. I could boil it up and add some butter for my meal. That's what I'm looking at for my food during the day....well at least until dinner. 

I would say that emotionally I'm a wreck. My anxiety is through the roof and no matter what I do to ease it, it's still there. There's always something to put me at the edge of being okay and having a full blown panic attack.

I would tell them that I feel helpless. I watch my husband work every day, bust his hind end for the pennies he makes, and then on payday.... stress about which bill is the most important to pay and which bill he has enough for. I feel helpless because getting a job myself doesn't look good without a drivers license, car, and babysitter. Some say.... "Oh, you should put them in daycare." Once again... it's expensive and something we don't have the money for. 

Most of the time, I when asked, "How are you?".... I just smile and say, "I'm good." But in all honesty, do people really ask this to see where you're at in life, how you feel, and what not? 

When I ask, I'm REALLY asking the question. I ask it to those whom I care about to show them my interest within their own lives. I ask this so I can see if there's anything they need prayer for. 

So... I'm asking you.... what do you mean when you ask, "How are you?"

The Waiting Game.... All Most Over

So, as September slowly goes by... I keep counting down the days until October first. My doctor told me to wait three cycles before trying to get pregnant again. He instructed me to have a "pre-conception" appointment with a doctor before we begin trying. I plan on making the appointment at the end of this month.

I'm really nervous about it. I'm afraid of going in and the doctor telling us that something's not right and we have to wait longer. I've only been able to get through the last three months because of this hope. I NEED a baby.

Everything I do is baby oriented. I'm even dreaming of being pregnant again, I want it so bad. Has any other angel Mommy out there been through this? What all did you do before you had the "go ahead" and began trying?

Blogging and Followers

As I was sitting in my living reading through blogs others have posted, something came to my mind. We have blog hops to get more followers and we even reach out to those on twitter too. We can even include facebook in on this as well.

My role as a follower..... I feel when I hit that follow button on someone elses blog... I am supposed to interact with it. Such as reading future posts and making more then my first "I'm your newest follower" post. I try to engage in all the blogs I follow one way or another.

But what do you do when you don't get the favor in return?

I even go to the limits to retweet about blog hops, giveaways, and much more.

Anyone else do this too and feel the same way at times??