Want to Follow Me?

Head to the bottom of the blog for different options on following me. I'd love to have you join me.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Pregnancy is a Blessing

I've been doing a lot of searches lately for pregnancy videos. I have compiled a short list of my favorites to honor mothers everywhere for what they do. Take a look...










Isn't this amazing? 

I can't wait to see my rainbow baby do this!!!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I Am Strong

I am STRONG because at 19 years old, I gave birth to my first daughter, Emma. She cried but one time and stared into my eyes while I held her. 

I am STRONG because I gave up college for that moment in time for the life I was meant to have.

I am STRONG because at 23 years of, my daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder and Pica.

I am STRONG because at 25 years old, I became pregnant with my second daughter, Dakota. She was born May 27, 2013 and didn't make a sound. 

 
I am STRONG because on June 1, 2013, I buried my child, and I had never thought I would bury a child, but that my child would bury me.

I am STRONG because we didn't get to bring Dakota home. At 40 weeks 5 days, my daughter's heart stopped beating for an unknown reason.  

I am STRONG because I turned to God in my painful time and managed to continue with my life.

I am STRONG because even after our loss, we managed to try to conceive again.

I am STRONG because I have faith in God and he blessed us with our Rainbow baby.

I am STRONG because although you see me parent with 1 child and expecting another, I’m actually a mother of 3.

I am STRONG because pregnancy after a loss is tough and I AM making it!

I am STRONG because I am a SURVIVOR!!!


Sunday, April 6, 2014

Let's Be Honest...TTC and Rainbows

First I'll start off by staying that up to this point, I have been extremely honest with the readers of this blog, but there are some things going on in which I haven't talked about. Therefore, I'm going to put it out there in hopes of possibly comforting another to show them that they're not the only person who feels this way. As well as put my opinion on a few matters out there too.

I'm part of many groups on Facebook that are based on either child loss or being pregnant. Some of the pregnancy groups I am part of are based on just happy mommy's sharing their experiences with one another, while others are mother's of an angel (or several) and understand where I'm coming from. This small piece comes from a few posts that I have seen within the pregnancy groups. First and foremost, the grief one feels after loosing a child doesn't completely disappear! EVER! It's always there waiting to show its ugly face in hopes of bringing the mommy down. It doesn't matter how long its been, the pain will eventually show back up in the most unexpected times. In the circumstance of child loss, I have felt and seen this many times. Within weeks or even months of the loss, mommy's begin thinking of trying for another baby. Several posts I have seen mentioned that the baby had gained his/her wings only weeks prior to the post within the group. The mom is claiming that she's ready to try for another. PLEASE... I understand how anxious you are but please don't hurry back into trying again. It doesn't matter whether or not you miscarried or gave birth, your body needs time to heal...and so does your heart. I've been on this journey with my angel for over ten months and pregnant with my rainbow for 16 weeks 6 days. So, I totally understand. Doctors suggests waiting 3 months (3 menstrual cycles) so the uterine lining can re-establish. If you rush into it the chances of another loss are greater.


I was told to wait at least 3 cycles before trying again. Several doctors I saw told me that it takes about that amount of time for the site where the placenta was attached to heal. Once we got the okay...then we started trying, but that wasn't until about 6 months after we lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days last May. Again I say...please don't try yet...... you need to say goodbye first and grieve. You can't ever replace your baby.Take time to process what has happened to you.  If you rush back into trying again... I REPEAT it could lead to a miscarriage!  

I too thought I was ready to start right away after losing our daughter. I realize now that I was not and it's taken time for me to heal just a little bit. You may think you've accepted it but you will continue to ask yourself why for a long long time. I think it's inevitable for us all to be terrified after what we have been through. However, you MUST take time to process everything. There's no way that after a few weeks or even a few months..you're fine and accepted it. 

(c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda
Which brings me to date... Yes I did mention that I am pregnant with my rainbow baby. But let me tell you this... it's been one hell of a ride since finding out on January 9th. As I progress within this pregnancy, it gets harder emotionally. I recently started feeling little flutters from my "rainbow squishy" (nickname my sister gave the baby). I am feeling them a lot more now and it scares me. I thought I'd be okay because it'd be me a peace of mind that baby's doing fine. Well, it does in a way, however it also reminds me of my precious angel. It reminds me that not even a year ago SHE did the kicking and the flutters. It reminds me of how my body seemed to do it's thing and all was semi good. Until my body betrayed me and I lost my daughter. You see, there is NO SAFE ZONE in pregnancy. You'll think... well if I can get past the mark where we lost our angel then all will be fine. That I will have to say is a BIG NEGATIVE! 

My husband and I went through my ENTIRE pregnancy where everything seemed PERFECT. That is a full 40 weeks 5 days. As it gets closer, my emotions go everywhere. I can't help but to think about my angels movements when I feel my rainbow. This was something I didn't think about when we began to try again. I didn't think about "What if we are blessed with a boy this time and not a girl? I'll have no choice but to donate our daughters stuff so we can make room for a little boy." This thought kills me. Yes, either way I'm going to love my baby. However, I can't get the want for a girl to go away because my heart is still with Dakota. I still have those dreams for her that will NEVER come true here on earth. 

In closing, I ask that you please take the time for YOU to GRIEVE and be sure that you will be able to handle all of these emotions before getting pregnant again. The roller coaster of emotions is enough to drive anyone crazy if they're not prepared.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Pregnancy Dreams

I do not own the copyright to this photo. (C)
Many women would agree that dreams within a pregnancy are something else. Most of the time my dreams are funny and entertaining. But, what about dreams during a pregnancy after one experienced a loss? Dreams then come in a variety. Most of the time, my dreams result in my waking up in tears, as I did today.

My favorite dream this far was with two kangaroos. The dream went a bit like this:

Hubby and I were at the park with our rainbow baby while our oldest daughter was at school. I had a little girl full of smiles in my arms as I played with her. As I was talking to her, I noticed she wasn't saying much and I recall saying to her, "Baby girl we should work on your words. By the time Sissy was your age, she was talking so much." Then I looked over the baby's head to the left and saw an enormous kangaroo headed our way. Quickly I yelled for my husband and told him we needed to hide. We found a play set made for younger children and hid under it. I listened for the kangaroo and when I saw it, it ran right into the fence surrounding the park. Once it recomposed itself, it hopped over the fence and ran to the other side of the park. While I waited to see what this kangaroo was going to do, I cuddled our baby girl closely to my chest. 

A few minutes later, I saw two kangaroo's headed back towards us. The crazy thing was that they were riding a bicycle. Immediately I recall asking my Husband about when they learned how to ride bikes. (This part makes me giggle.)

Once they reached us, the male kangaroo bent down to our view and asked if we knew of any other kangaroo's that he could set his son up with and start a family. I told him no and that he shouldn't be pressing a relationship onto his son kangaroo unless his son was interested. 

That's when I woke up. Yep, a totally pointless dream but yet it was entertaining. 
Now, there are dreams that I HATE having. The type of dreams that are so vivid that when you wake up, you still think you're in that dream. Well, I had one of those this morning. Let me tell you what I recall from this dream. (I only remember pieces.)

I was visiting a good friend of mine in my old town where I grew up. I remember it was a cold winter night. The snow was coming down so hard I could hardly see my surroundings. As Heather and I stood on her front porch, she had asked me, "Did you have your baby yet?" I replied to her, "No, we didn't get our rainbow, she died right before I gave birth to her." **This is when an image of a baby girl lying on her side came into mind for a small second.*** I continued to tell Heather, "We plan on burying her in the same plot with her sister and getting a double headstone for them. I figured putting them together, they wouldn't be alone." Then, I busted into tears.

The next part of the dream I remember is...

My Husband, Mom, and I went back to the same funeral home that took care of Dakota. I took another beautiful dress and headband to him for our rainbow baby. Once he had her outfit, I told him that I'd like to dress her because I never once got to dress Dakota. He allowed it. That's when I saw this beautiful little baby girl who looked like her sister laying on a cold, metal table. We walked over to her and I dressed her through my tears. I was yelling out that it wasn't fair for us to keep having baby's and them be taken away like that. 

After she was dressed and we kissed her farewell, we headed upstairs to the funeral director's office to pick out the casket, do paperwork, and write up the obituary. 

The dream jumps to here:
Family once again surround us a little over a year after we laid Dakota to rest. But this time it was for our rainbow baby. My sister played music from her phone once again, although this time a different song played. I stood at the side of our precious daughter's grave crying. I could tell that by this point crying was all I had done because my eyes were so sore. The salt from my tears burned as they fell from my eyes. I screamed up to the sky. My heart was shattered only this time it felt much worse. I recall saying, "How many times can a heart be broken before it's beyond repair?" Then I fell to the ground crying for both of my daughters. 

Then, I end up here:
I'm laying in bed hugging another pink blanket while I cry. I laid there crying for hours. I even saw daylight coming on in the sky. I promised myself from that point on I would never try for another child because I wasn't going to do this over and over again. I balled myself up while holding my empty belly and screamed out in agony.

That's when I woke up. The scene before me was the same as I last saw in my dreams. I had tears coming down my face, the sun was beginning to rise, and I was holding onto Dakota's pink blanket. This briefly made me believe my dream was real. I silently laid there crying so I wouldn't wake my husband. That's when my alarm went off. I quickly turned it off and got out of bed. I came downstairs to notice there weren't any traces of papers that said I was at the funeral home. I looked at my Facebook to finally realize it had all been a dream. 
Man I hate dreams like that!!!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Are you crazy????

Well, I haven't written anything in a week but here I am to rant today. I have seen something since joining the unwanted path of being a mommy of an angel. Actually, I have seen this several times and I can't keep my mouth shut any longer.

A few of my friends have brought it to my attention that their little angel's photo's had been stolen. Yep, you read that right. There are people in this world that will steal a picture of a forever sleeping angel and pretend that child is their own. To top it off, they use these photos to raise money for a child they never had.

What in the world would urge these sick people to do this? Does the life of an angel parent seem that appealing? To tell you the truth... I hate it. I would rather have my daughter here with me then to be talking to her spirit form.

Up until today I didn't think it could get much worse. Well, I was wrong. A good friend of mine on Facebook, as well as in one of our support groups found out that her baby's picture had been stolen. Some crazy woman out there kept repeatedly reporting photo's of her son to Facebook and had them removed. We found out that in the process of this happening, this woman had stole her son's picture to set up a fundraiser and is calling the baby a different name. There's a big sob story about how she "lost" her son. The crazy even created a memorial video for this baby who's not even hers.

What pushed me over the edge? I saw that this woman actually printed out my friends son's photo's and has them displayed in her home!!! She's making everyone around her believe that she birthed this precious baby boy when she didn't.

So listen up angel parents, if you feel the need to share your angel's photos with your friends and family, I suggest putting a watermark on the photo to prove that they are yours and this will lessen the chance of your angel's photo being stolen. I've taken down all photo's of my angel baby and I'll be adding the watermark to mine too.

I guess in this day you can't be too careful. This honestly makes me want to take all the photo's down of my children and not put them back up.

Well, that's all for now. If I come across anything else, I'll be sure to share.

Friday, March 7, 2014

12w 4d Heartbeat.... You can here it too!!

Annddd here is the heartbeat update... it's still within the 160 area. 

video


This was taken at home. I am 12 weeks 4 days. Sounds strong and very healthy. I could fall asleep listening to this sound.

Baby Update.... Ultrasound of Rainbow

Well, yesterday I had the 12 week ultrasound. It was very emotional for me. My morning started out great. I got Sunshine (my oldest daughter) off to school and got ready for the appointment. During this entire time, anxiety and fear were far from my mind and only happiness and hope filled me. 

Hubby and I decided that with blood work directly after the ultrasound, a McDonald's sweet tea was in order. (Yes, I'm one of those people that suck when it comes to needles. If I'm not reclined and my sugar isn't jacked up, I'll pass out.) So, once I was ready we headed off for the tea. 

On my way to the doctor after getting my tea, my nerves kicked in. I became scared. Crazy thoughts poured into my mind. What would I do if the ultrasound technician couldn't find the heartbeat? How would I react if the baby came up on the monitor and wasn't moving? The entire way to the doctors office, which is a 45 min drive) my stomach started churning and I felt sick.

I was super worried and scared. I NEEDED to see that this baby within was alive. I NEEDED to hear the heartbeat immediately. I hated feeling like this. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. No matter how much I fought it... tears fell from my eyes. I constantly prayed for a very active baby with a heartbeat. 

The thoughts of... How will I get through this if it happens again? ran through my mind. The ride down felt as if it took forever and the same with finding a place to park. My nerves got the best of me and as soon as we walked into the building, I headed to the bathroom. I needed to let out a good cry and give myself a pep talk. 

Hubby patiently waited outside while I pulled myself together. Once I felt that I could face the receptionist in the OB?GYN office, I headed up to the fourth floor. By the time we stepped off the elevator, my nerves were at it again. I simply wasn't strong enough to fight them off.

My legs were shaking as I made my way down the long hallway to the last door on the right. I pushed it open and asked my Hubby to check me in. I couldn't bare to stand any longer. My legs felt as if they were about to collapse, it was hard to breathe, and my stomach was hurting. 

My appointment was scheduled for 1 PM. We had a few minute wait ahead due to the fact that we were the ONLY ones in the waiting room. (I silently thanked God for this one.) The receptionist called over to me and asked me a few questions. It was hard to find my voice but when I did, it was super shaky. I was scared.

Once checked in, they informed me that it wouldn't be too long. I stared off into space, watched the stupid show they had playing on the TV, and tried to keep my mind busy while watching Hubby play on his phone. That didn't work. Fifteen minutes into the wait, the receptionist called out that she was sorry and we wouldn't be waiting much longer.

I saw a woman come out from the side door holding pictures from her ultrasound. She had a big smile on her face and no worry any where. I couldn't help but to think... I'd love to have that innocents back and be free from my own nightmare. I hate thinking that at any time I could find out that I had lost another baby.... that my rainbow had died. 

I watched this woman as she scheduled her next appointment. She stood with one hand rubbing her belly while the other held the photos. She looked so peaceful and happy. I could tell that she's never experienced a loss like I have. I know it was wrong but listening in I learned that she had one at home and obviously was expecting her second. She made it clear that everything went perfect for both pregnancies. Oh to be that blessed!!!

FINALLY, my name was called and I was pulled out of my tornado of emotions. I stood up, gathered my belongings, and headed towards the ultrasound technician. 

"Hi, my name is Amber and I'll be doing the ultrasound today. How are you doing?" she asked me as she directed me down the hall.

Holding back the urge to cry, I answered in a shaky voice as tears welled up in my eyes, "I'm really scared."

She gave me a look of confusion but didn't say anything. 

I handed her the form I was instructed to by my doctor and she told me to climb up on the table. A squirt of warm gel and a push of a few buttons.... felt like this had taken forever. Tears fell from my eyes as I waited to see my rainbow on the screen. 

 Then, I saw my baby. At first my heart dropped because I didn't see any movement. That's

when the little one started opening it's mouth, moving it's arm, and kicking its legs. My heart melted. I watched as she went to different angles of the wiggling little sweet pea. The US Tech played around for a good while and got the measurements she needed, as well as made a gender guess. (Which I'm not revealing at this time due to it being ONLY a guess)

At the end of the visit, she played the baby's heartbeat and all anxiety went out the door. The only thing that was to head off to get my blood drawn and then go home. 

So here I am to say that I have successfully made it (almost) through my first trimester. On Monday.... I'll officially be 13 weeks and entering into the second trimester.