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I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Friday, November 20, 2015

It Never Hurts to say "Thank You"

I have heard over and over what people think about me as a stay at home Mom, but one thing I hardly hear is how appreciative those who I care for are for the things that I do. Most of the time, the lack of sleep, showers, and food go unnoticed. Some have this notion that mothers who stay at home with the kids all day are…in a way…either not pulling their weight or just sitting around, doing nothing the entire day. Boy, that is way off!!!

Here is a glimpse of a good day for me...

7:00 AM: My husband tells me it's time to wake up, however after a restless night with the baby I fight to open my eyes. My son still wakes several times a night to nurse and he occasionally tosses around on our bed, which makes it hard for me to sleep.

7:15 AM: My husband tells me he's leaving for work and gives a wake-up call to our nine-year-old daughter before heading out the door.

7:20 AM: I force myself to sit up in bed so I can muster up the energy to grab my overly energized toddler to change his diaper.

7:25 AM: I yell for my daughter to get up once again as I head to the kitchen with my baby on my hip so I can grab a cup of coffee. 

7:30 AM: I yell once again for my daughter and quickly grab a drink of my coffee.

7:31 AM: My son starts whining and crying, asking in his baby talk for his juice and breakfast, which I can't give to him right away because his sister won't get out of bed. So, he settles for his Lil' crunchies snacks while I run back to the bedroom and literally pull my daughter out of bed.

7:35 AM: My daughter starts whining about not getting enough sleep, she's tired, and doesn't want to go to school, as she makes her way to the kitchen AFTER being told to get dressed.

7:36 AM: I tell my daughter again to get dressed as I get a quick drink of my coffee and start the task of packing my daughters lunch while stopping to give my son another lil crunchier snack.

7:40 AM: I threaten to ground my daughter if she doesn't head into the bedroom to get dressed while I finish up her lunch and start helping my mom by packing hers. *She works at the school where my daughter attends so she's getting ready too.*

7:45 AM: My daughter managed to go back into the room, sit on the bed, and watch the morning cartoons that are playing on the television. It doesn't matter that she needs to be ready to leave by 8:30 because that is what time her ride pulls in.

7:50 AM: I catch my daughter jumping up off the bed as I open the bedroom door. I yell a bit more for her to get a fire under her butt and get ready. She back talks and whines some more. Once I see her picking out her clothes, I ask her what she would like in her lunch. She's very indecisive, so when I ask I don't get a straight answer. I go back out and pack what I think she wants.

8:00 AM: My daughter comes out of the room and flops down at the table with her phone in her hands. (Knowing she's not supposed to touch it before she's completely ready.) I tell her to put her phone down and she begins to argue with me. I raise my voice, tell her if she doesn't put her phone down she's grounded, and she whines as she turns it off.

8:05 AM: I give my son another one of his snacks and pick up some toys so he can occupy himself while I finish fighting to get my daughter ready for school. Then, I ask my daughter what she wants for breakfast since I already packed her lunch. The indecisiveness continues and I decide for her.

8:10 AM: My daughter nibbles at her breakfast while I'm reminding her of what she still needs to get done while feeding more snacks to my son.

8:15 AM: My daughter has finished her breakfast, puts on her shoes, and goes to brush her teeth. I find new toys for my son to play with while I drink a bit of my cold coffee. While drinking my coffee, I try to plan my day in between the fussiness of my son because he wants another snack.

8:25 AM: My daughter comes out of the bathroom and I quickly fix her hair and tell her to get her bookbag from the room. 

8:30 AM: My daughter leaves for school with a messy, quick ponytail and I go to the cupboard to pick out my son's breakfast. *This is usually where my headache kicks in from the lack of sleep and the stressful morning.*

8:45 AM: My son finished his breakfast and I change his diaper. Then, I put him back into the height chair so I can grab a warm cup of coffee and enjoy it this time. 

9:00 AM: My son makes it clear that he's ready to lay back down. I grab him up, head back into the bedroom, and nurse him to sleep. During this time, I do my Bible devotions on my phone through the app. 

9:30- 11 AM: This block of time is different every day. The very first thing I do once laying my son down is run to the bathroom for the first time that day. Then I grab something to eat. Sometimes I lay back down with my son for a bit. If I don't, then I start working on my to-do list, which could be updating information on one of my blogs, planning and plotting for my book, research for my book, dishes or laundry, or I read. If I do lay down, I don't fall into a deep sleep because I'm afraid that if I do...I won't hear my son cry.

11:00 AM: My son wakes up crying for his mum mum. I stop what I'm doing and get him from his bed. He shows me that he wants to play with me, so we go out to the living room floor and play.

12:00 PM: I take my son to the kitchen for lunch and in a feeble attempt at trying to get some work done, I place my laptop on the table by my son and do some work.

12:30 PM: My son makes it clear that he doesn't want to sit in the kitchen anymore and he wants to play. So, I close up my laptop.

12:31 PM: By this time, I am wishing I could have had the dishes done and laundry started. I take his stuff from lunch, put it by the sink, brush off the crumbs, and we head into the living room.

12:33 PM: Diaper change.

12:35 PM: I THINK about taking a shower at my son's next nap.

12:36- 1:30 PM: My son and I play more in the living room. He's adamant on pulling out every strand of my hair as he pulls my hair, pokes me in the eyes, and laughs about it all. Of course, when I see something cute, I snap a picture.

1:30- 2:00 PM: My son starts to get cranky and tells me he's ready for a nap. We head into the bedroom and I change his diaper. Then, nurse him to sleep. *This is usually his longest nap of the day.*

2:00 PM: I can't make myself get into the shower because I fear my son will wake up and I won't hear him cry. *We don't have a baby monitor system.* So, I decide to throw in a load of laundry and do up the dishes. I clean up the toy mess my son left all over the house, which made it look like a tornado came through.

2:30 PM: I do a bit more work on the laptop.

3:00 PM: My daughter comes through the door from school. I beg her to keep it quiet because her brother is sleeping.

3:30 PM: The baby wakes up and is ready for more food. So, we head to the kitchen and I find him something to eat, feed him, and let him play with his sister.

4:00- 4:30ish PM: I'm wishing for a nap, but my daughter informs me that she's hungry, so I make her something small to eat to hold her over until dinner. *My son decides he needs to eat, too, so I give him a snack.*

5:00 PM: son decides he's hungry too, so I give him more snacks. *Dinner is prepared by my step-dad or Mom.*

5:30- 6:30 PM: Husband tends to come home around this time. He grabs his plate from the microwave if we've finished dinner or sits with us to eat.

7:00 PM: Start to fight my daughter to gather up her bedtime clothes and get her shower.

7:30 PM: Bath baby and have my daughter take her melatonin because without it, she doesn't sleep well.

8:00 PM: Start the bedtime fight with my daughter, while cleaning up any messes the kids made in the afternoon.

9:00 PM: Nurse my son to sleep once his sister is in bed.

9:30- 10:30 PM: Get ready for bed and lay down to watch television until I am ready for sleep.

11:30-2:00 AM: Sometime in here my son wakes up in his bed, crying to join me and my husband in our bed. I grab him, nurse him, and we fall back to sleep.

** Some nights I'm up every hour or so with my son. Only on a couple occasions has he slept ALMOST all night.**

Remember, this is a good day. I could add in the countless times I have to argue with my daughter about something, or sick days, or errands that need to be done. I'm busy during the day... most of the time I don't have the time or the opportunity to shower (unless I take my son into the bathroom with me) or even eat. 

So, the other day when my husband said, "You know I do often overlook how much you actually do for our family. Thank you. I appreciate it." it floored me. In eleven years, he has NEVER thanked me for doing what I do and it meant sooo much to me.


If you're the working parent... don't forget to tell your spouse how much you appreciate them and do it often. 

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Capture Your Grief - Day 17 - Secondary Losses

I totally agree with today's post when the host mentions that not only do we lose our children, but in the midst of our grief, we tend to lose other things as well. I have noticed quite a bit of stuff that I've lost over the past two years. 

To start off with, I lost all sense of security in life. It's hard to describe. We tend to stroll through life thinking that bad things won't happen to us. I lost all of who I was and became someone new. I no longer took life for granted and I became much more grateful for the life I have been given. I tend to love deeper. I don't sweat the small stuff and, I most certainly don't let what I can't control bother me.

I struggle with fear and anxiety more since my loss, which I am working on with my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. 

There for a while, I lost my desire to take care of myself and I didn't care about what those around me thought. I didn't love myself, so why should anyone else? This way of thinking changed the day I fully started living for Christ. 

I lost friends who I cared for.

I lost a husband. Yes, we're still married but I'm no longer married to the man I fell in love with. He has changed, as I have. He doesn't seem to care as deeply as he once did. His life's focus is work and his car. His family strives for his attention, however, he doesn't hear them. His actions cause us pain, and he doesn't seem to mind. The loving, joyful, and caring man I met is gone and was replaced with this guy who buries himself into a hobby so he doesn't have to deal with life.

I lost my joy for a while, but I have found it in other places within life. 

Even though I have lost so much, I have gained better as well. (That's for another post.)

Friday, October 16, 2015

Capture Your Grief - Day 16 - Creative Grief

There are several things I did for Dakota after I lost her. As I have mentioned before, I wrote about her short, sweet life here on earth and shared it for the world to read. I started a garden, which I had to leave behind when I moved from the house we were living in at the time. I took up taking photo's of nature. 

Here are some of the nature photo's I have taken since she passed away:

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Capture Your Grief - Day 15 - Wave of Light.

 ‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬ ‪#‎october15th‬ ‪#‎waveoflight‬

I found out about the meaning behind October 15th shortly after we lost our angel. On October 15th, the world stops for the day and remembers their babies who have been taken too soon. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness Month and on the 15th of the month, we light a candle at 7 PM and let it burn for an hour in memory of these babies. 

For the past two years, I have joined in with the Wave of Light to honor my daughter, Dakota. The images below are her candles burning. It brings my heart joy when I see friends and family join me on this special day!! (Thank you to those who have joined in.)

Wave of Light 2013

Wave of Light 2014

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Capture Your Grief - Day 14 - Express Your Heart

Express your heart with grieving. The powerfully painful transformation can turn you into a person of gratitude or into a person of negativity. I was both. Now, I'm the person of gratitude. During my journey with grief, I have experienced so many things that blessed me or angered me. That's what I'll be talking about today.

Words hurt. Actions hurt. Unfortunately, people don't realize this. Let me talk about the words part of this. From the moment we wake to the time we go to bed, we express ourselves with our words. There are phrases that we (angel parents) dread to hear directly after a loss. We don't want to hear that there was anything remotely wrong with our child. We don't want to hear that God has a plan and this is part of it. We don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason. To us, these are empty words. There's nothing in this world that can help us feel better. My best advice is just to pray for us. Tell us you're praying for us. Instead of using your words to comfort us and show you care, use your actions! Actions could be... cleaning up our house. Helping with our other children who are hurting too. Cook for us. I'm using the word "us" because when a baby dies... so many people are touched by this loss and only one person remains in the light of it all.... Mothers. People comfort and support mothers every way you look at it. But some do not remember the fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. 

Now for that word... action... When helping a family through a loss such as stillbirth, which is what I have experience with... REMEMBER THE DAD'S AND SIBLINGS. They are grieving too. Bring a gift to them as well. This could be in the form of a physical gift, being there to physically help these members of the family, or just to let them use you when they need you.

In addition, actions that you're doing can directly hurt these grieving families. I see this today, as well as within the past few years. People who claim to love me as their own blood family, forget and refuse to acknowledge my daughter. I see these people talk about how much they love me or my living children. They claim me as a sister or a granddaughter but fail to realize that if they do not accept the child of mine who died.... they're not accepting me. I will not take this easy. If you're going to claim to be family to me and refuse to acknowledge the life that I carried for 40 weeks 5 days, then you're not going to acknowledge me or my children in anything. FAMILY sticks together in all the hard times life seems to throw at you. You can't pick or choose which rough times you can be my family. So, if you refuse to say that Dakota is part of your family... then kindly back away from my living children and me. We are not family.

I've accepted her death, it's about time for you to do so as well!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Capture Your Grief - Day 13 - Regrets + Triggers

Regrets during my journey of grief:

1. I regret not being able to bathe and dress my angel. (I never got to do this.)
2. I regret not laying a baby blanket in her forever bed with her.
3. I regret allowing others to tell me how I should be grieving and listening to them.
4. I regret not being more grateful and more excited for her during my pregnancy.
5. I regret not holding on to her longer when I had the opportunity.
6. I regret that I didn't fight harder for her when I knew something was wrong and her doctor wouldn't listen to me.
7. I regret not making sure more photo's were taken of us. (Yes we had pictures done but I have one photo of me and my angel and it's blurry.)
8. I regret the fact that I wasn't the mother my oldest daughter needed while she was grieving too.
9. I regret not keeping up with the letters to my angel in her notebook and vow to start writing to her again.
10. I regret not knowing her exact weight, length, or more details of her that I'm slowly losing over time.


1. Baby girl clothes in the store.
2. Seeing her name written somewhere.
3. Certain ways my rainbow baby looks while he sleeps.
4. Fall to winter because I can't see butterflies on a daily basis.
5. When someone doesn't acknowledge that she existed when listing their nieces or grandkids on a card or social media. 

Monday, October 12, 2015

Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

The writing prompt for today is on normalizing grief. Some believe that this journey is nothing but heartache and pain. I wrote a post earlier this year that I believe ties into this post. You can view it here: Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

In addition to the post, my thoughts for today are this:

Grief is what you make of it. At first, it's hard. Actually, it's very hard. When I started my journey, I felt defeated and powerless. It took me close to two years to realize that I was allowing the grief to
control my life and that's when I decided to take control. I wasn't going to submit to it any longer. Yes, my daughter was here. Yes, my daughter died. However, I didn't have to stay in the state of loss and feeling sadness over it. Instead, I pulled myself together and started honoring her life in more than one way.

The first thing I decided to do was bring to light that she existed so I needed to tell the world. I managed to do this by writing our journey in a book and publishing it on Amazon for the world to read. I figured by doing this, I'm bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, as well as bringing her story, our journey to those who are going through it too. I figured that I could help them by sharing our journey. 

The next thing I decided to do was always honor my angel with different things throughout the year. Each holiday/season, I redecorate her forever bed for her to show my love. By doing this, I'm allowing myself to acknowledge life the way it is and to express the love for her that I can't physically show her.

Each holiday I include her in some way. Most of the time, I light her candle or I sing songs that remind me of her. At times, I even have my family and friends join in.

This is my normalizing grief for me and it works for me.

If you're on this journey with me, what is it that you do to normalize grief in your life?