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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Labor Day- Induction Day- My Rainbow is HERE!!!

**Very detailed and long.**
**Slideshow of the events are shown below**

The night of August 31, I had a hard time climbing into bed. Our scheduled induction was the next day and I was afraid of how things would go. The doctor’s really didn't explain how things would go and what they would do to push me into labor. I double-checked all of the hospital bags and the bags that I had packed for when we left the hospital. Baby boy and I were going to stay with my mom for the weekend so we could go to church.  

I finally climbed into bed around midnight and surprisingly I went to sleep easily. Up until that night, I had a hard time falling asleep due to being so uncomfortable. It was a nightmare trying to sleep. I would lie on my sides and my hips would feel as if a knife had been pushed slowly into them. If I tried lying on my back, the same feelings happened in my tailbone. However, the night of the 31st into the first was completely different.

Morning came quickly. I was concerned that we would have a rough morning because my husband, daughter, and I had such a late night. I figured that our daughter would give us a fight to get up at six in the morning for our eight o’clock appointment. Surprisingly everyone got up rather easy and we almost made it to the hospital on time. The morning also included nice and strong contractions. I felt as if I was in labor but couldn't be sure, due to the amniotic fluid level being so high.

We met my mom and step-dad at the hospital. They were waiting at the main doors with a wheel chair for me. Hubby parked the car while I got comfortable in the wheel chair. By this time, I was holding back tears from fear. Fear of the unknown! My mom and daughter immediately starting carrying on and enjoying their time together. 

Hubby caught up with us and we headed up to the sixth floor; Labor and Delivery! My nerves kicked in full force and it took everything within me to hold back my tears. Fear flooded me and panic set in. I was afraid that as soon as we were ready, we would hear those dreaded words again. Deep down inside I knew baby boy was fine because I could feel him kicking, even with the contractions. We made it to labor and delivery and checked in. 

They already had my room ready and waiting. Holding back tears, I quietly listened to the nurse talk about their plan to bring baby boy safely into the world. I changed into the hospital gown and climbed into the bed. My heart beat crazily while the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and struggled to find the baby's heartbeat. My heart felt as if were going to jump out of my chest and when I didn't think she'd find it, I heard it. It was like music to my ears. 

After the monitor was completely hooked up, they started an IV with fluids and oxytocin. Shortly after they started the fluids, they checked to see if any progress had been made and where we were starting at. The contractions I had been feeling took me from 1 cm to about 4 cm before I even got to the hospital. So, my body started labor on it's own and the oxytocin was used to help speed things along. At this point, there was a lot of waiting and more of my family showing up to greet our miracle. 

Contractions came roughly every two minutes or so. I was still hanging strong with no pain medication. The doctors slowly increased the oxytocin but after about four hours, they came into my room and started checking vitals. They watched the heart monitor for baby's heartbeat. I was asked to lay on my left side for a moment and then asked to roll over to my right side. As they helped me roll over, another nurse asked me to put on the oxygen mask. The medication caused me to have back to back contractions, which caused baby's heart rate to drop. They got it back up. Docs and nurses were on it and got everything back in order. He was doing good now and had hiccups. His heart rate was about 163 now. I'm was contracting without the medicine so they kept it the oxytocin off for the time being.

Labor slowed down quite a bit with the contractions after a few hours of not being on the oxytocin, so they came back in and started it back up. At this time I was 4-5 cm dilated, 50% effaced. My main intentions with labor was to have a vaginal delivery and avoid a c-section unless medically needed. Around six that afternoon, the epidural was given to me. They allowed time for the epidural to kick in before breaking the water.

Around 8 PM, they slowly broke the water. This was one part which terrified me. I remembered the doctor mentioning at one of my appointments that with so much amniotic fluid, a prolapsed cord was a risk. The doctor came in with several nurses. They clipped the sack and let the fluid slowly drain. I was amazed at how much fluid there was. It filled two medical pads and lots of towels. As the fluid drained, I became so much more comfortable. I actually felt the pressure disappear. 

My family sat around impatiently waiting for baby boy's arrival. It got to the point where everyone began making jokes about how to get baby to come out quicker. As they were making jokes, I noticed something different around 10:30 PM. I didn't say anything right away but the pressure got stronger. I whispered to my mom, "Something is different. There's so much pressure." 

As soon as I said this, my husband ran out of the room and got the doctor. She came in and checked me.... IT WAS TIME! My breath caught in my throat at those words. I didn't think I would ever hear that again, let alone give birth. I started crying. I couldn't believe we had made it this far. I had so many people in the delivery room with me but it didn't help the spiral of emotions. 

My aunt took Emma out of the room and the doctors prepared for a baby to be born. Since our rainbow had touched so many, the delivery room was full. All of my parents were there. (Mom, Dad, Step-Dad, Step-Mom) It was a very special moment and the support I had was overwhelming. Once I was in position to push, anxiety took over. I listened to those around me and concentrated on giving birth to my son. I could hear everyone around me commenting on how much hair they could see. Then, when he was head out, I heard my family crying that he looked beautiful. The entire time I couldn't help but to think.... "Why hasn't he cried yet?" Panic set in and I started crying. The tears were from the lack of hearing my son cry and fear of loosing him in the process of laboring. 

For the first time during a labor, the doctor called my husband over (who had on sterile gloves) and told him to get ready. She explained to me to bare down and push. I did as I was told. Several pushes later, our son landed in the waiting arms of his very happy father. My husband helped me birth our son. As soon as baby boy was clear, they gently laid him on my stomach. 

It was love at first sight. I cried out..."Why isn't he crying?" as the doctors used baby blankets to rub him down and that's when I heard his precious cry. I lost it. I grabbed my son and cried out with so much joy, love, and relief. My rainbow had made it safely into this world! The entire room erupted into tears, joy, and happiness. 

At 11:02 PM on September 1, 2014 (Labor Day) Jaxson Scott Buda was born. He weighed 6 lbs 13 oz. and was 19 3/4 in. long. His cries were music to my ears and as I glared at my new baby I couldn't help but to look up to the sky and thank the Lord above for my blessing. I cried out thanking Him for our miracle!


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

We did it.... 37 week mark!!!!

YAYYYYY!!!! We hit our goal of 37 weeks as of yesterday. I'm super excited. I had my check up with the doctor yesterday, along with another ultrasound. This visit didn't go as smoothly as they have been. My first appointment out of the two was for the ultrasound. Baby boy biophysical profile with an 8/8, once again. Which is really good. The amniotic fluid seems to be stable for now. He was very active during the tests and gave us a great show.

This appointment was a bit different because my sister and nephew joined in. My nephew is three. His reaction to seeing Jaxson on the screen was adorable. He made comments such as "I just love him." I didn't know which was cuter, my son wiggling around or the out of the blue things my nephew was saying about my son.

Once the ultrasound was complete, we waited about an hour for the next appointment, which was to check in with the doctor. The same routine happened. They called my name and showed me to a room in the back. I mentioned to the nurse that it's hard to feel baby move compared to contractions. My entire belly is always rock hard and it's really sore. She talked to the doctor who decided it'd be best to hook me up to the non stress testing machine to check on contractions.

The first nurse had a bit difficulty finding Jaxson's heartbeat where it was loud enough for the machine to register the BMP. She found a spot where it was the loudest and added the straps to me. 

As soon as she finished with the first strap, she added the contraction monitor on and I went to town hitting the button as I felt baby boy moving around. He kept jumping away from the monitor for his heartbeat and the machine stopped picking it up. The machine picked up contractions as soon as the nurse pulled her hands away. However, they were far in between and told it they were braxton hicks. 
This is where the appointment changed without me first realizing it. The same woman who gave me trouble in the 35.5 week post I talked about. She pretty much oversees the non stress testing. She came over to me and started messing with the straps to find baby's heart beat again. I watched as my stubborn baby boy didn't work with her. After a few minutes of trying, she found him but had the blue circle monitor at an angle. She grabbed the straps and pulled them tight to keep the monitor in place. It didn't work, so she tightened the straps again. 

After she was done, she went back over to her desk and sat down. At that time, I noticed the top of my belly on the right side felt like it was stinging. I figured this must be another contraction. After a few minutes went by, I noticed baby boy hadn't moved and figured he went to sleep for a bit. The test totaled about 30 minutes. They weren't worried about baby boy's movement this round because I was there for the contractions. 

My doctor came in to check on me and update me with the information from the ultrasound. She also told me that I am scheduled on the books to be in Labor and Delivery on the very early morning of Sept. 1st. to start the induction process. Once she was done talking to me, she told me that the test was complete and she would see me on Thursday. 

The other woman who normally hooks me up, came back over. When she went to unstrap me, I noticed that she had to pull the strap tighter to unhook it. (Sort of like you do with a belt to get it off) She did the same thing with the second strap too. That's when I noticed that she had them wayyy too tight. I had the marks from the straps and the round plastic monitors on my belly. As soon as she pulled the straps tighter, I could feel the straps forcing baby boy to move, which caused me to feel sick. I told my husband my thoughts and he took a look at my belly.

Instantly I saw his facial expression change. It went from calm and content to anger. He said my belly was really red. As I walked out of the office, the burning pain that was on the upper front of my belly went around my right side and into the middle of my back. We left the doctors office and had a few stops to make on the way home. Therefore, it took us a few hours to get there. Once I got home, I realized the pain in my side was worse and the bottom of my belly started hurting too. 

My husband took a look at my belly and the marks were still there, even four hours later. This was the first time we had to call and make a formal complaint. I felt bad doing it, however, who knows what this has done. Even over 24 hours later, my belly is still sore. The top is red and feels like it's bruised, but there's not a visible bruise. I surely hope she didn't mess any thing up.

Once we talked to the doctors office today about this situation, they said that this woman will not be working with me for the remainder of the pregnancy and someone else will over see the non stress tests. 


Saturday, August 23, 2014

36 Week Pregnancy Update

This past weeks appointments didn't bring much of a change since the last time I did an update. 

Last Monday's appointment went well and baby boy was extremely active for the ultrasound. He passed the biophysical profile with an 8/8. The ultrasound showed that the fluid went down a few, however, it doesn't take me out of the risk of preterm labor. It went from 29.66 to about 26. That's good. 

I had a Non Stress Test on Thursday. Baby boy was extremely active for this. He seems to hate when they have the straps on my belly. He makes them chase his heartbeat during the test with the monitor. I find it funny and I love seeing him give such a hard time. This shows me that we have a strong willed baby boy who knows what he wants. Honestly, it reminds me of our oldest daughter and her will power.

As for me, I am really not sure how much longer my body can physically handle being pregnant, which scares me. I know my doctor said that our goal was 37 weeks which is term. I have a lot of lower back and hip pain. As well as a burning feeling on the top, right side of my belly. Sometimes the pain shoots from the burning area to around my ribs, and to my upper back. Some times it's so bad it has me in tears. 

The doctor and I did discuss when we think this little guy should come into the world. If he doesn't make his appearance by the 1st of September, then I'll be induced. So, providing all goes as planned Jaxson should be here on Labor Day! 

That's the update for this week and I'll update you all at 37 weeks.... providing I'm still pregnant. 

Friday, August 15, 2014

35.5 week update

I had another appointment on Thursday. Normally, we go in just for a non stress test but this time was a bit different. The entire visit made me and my mom uncomfortable, but I'll explain that part in a minute. As for the new with baby boy, the polyhydramnios is still causing us issues. We went for the normal non-stress test, which went rather well. He was moving around and making it hard for me to sit still. The machine kept picking up his movements, which in turn made me laugh. That's when the contraction side of the test registered the laughs and documented it on the small print out. The test lasted for about twenty minutes before we were sent in for the unscheduled ultrasound. On Monday the amniotic fluid measured a slight bit higher at a 28. The doctor wanted to be sure this was accurate and wanted another ultrasound yesterday. 

Once we got into the ultrasound room and got comfy, the fluid level was checked. It measured from a 28 to a 29. Thus meaning it is slowly climbing. The doctor then decided it's time that we start talking about induction. So, when I go in on Monday, we will start the process/planning. I'll be sure to update you all as soon as I get the chance on Monday or Tuesday. 

As for why the visit made me uncomfortable.....

If you're an angel mom, you'll understand where I am coming from. If not, let me explain. It's hard to be pregnant directly after a loss, especially when you're continuing your prenatal care with the same OB office. At times it feels as if you're reliving the past with your angel. However, up until yesterday I felt okay with going to the same facility. I am normally called back from the opposite side of the room. The waiting room connects to the back of the office with two doors. One on each side of the waiting room. While I was pregnant with Dakota, they started my visit by calling me for
my appointment on the left side of the room. Once we go through the doors, my weight and blood pressure are taken. Then, I'm asked to leave a urine sample and I'm shown to a room where we wait on the doctor. It's the same procedure with baby boy, however it's on the opposite side of the office. I don't feel as if I'm reliving it. 

Yesterday was different. The nurse, who didn't introduce herself, called me back through the opposite side of the room. Yep, for the first time in eight months I walked the same path that I did with our angel baby. This immediately made me uncomfortable. The no name nurse then talked to me like I was stupid and had no clue what I was doing. She told me step by step what to do once we walked through the waiting room door. Needless to say... I felt as if I was stupid. I've only been pregnant three times and within my third pregnancy, I've been doing the same routine twice a week. I know what the heck I am doing. 

When my normal nurse takes my weight and blood pressure, she just waits for me to do my thing. There's no talking needed. I wait for the machine to clear before stepping up on it to get my current weight. Then I normally sit down, stretch out my left arm, and turn the inner part of my arm while trying to make it easier for the nurse. This no name nurse grabbed my arm and no so gently turned my arm back over. Then took my blood pressure. For the first time within this pregnancy, I was asked if I knew how tall I am. I wasn't sure. So, she made me feel stupid again by saying I should know. Then she measured my height. Once she was finished she said, "For future reference, you're 5'1", just so you know." If there wasn't a medical need to take my height, then why do it? 

She continued by saying I was there for a non-stress test and she continued to explain how it worked. All the while I'm thinking... "Did she even read my chart? She should see that I've been doing non stress tests for the last month each Thursday." I tried to inform her that my doctor also wanted me to have an ultrasound. That's when she made me feel as if I was a liar. She looked at the print out in her hand and said, "Well, you don't have one scheduled, so I'll have to see about that." Okay no problem. Do what you need to do. She directed me to a restroom so I can do my thing there and showed my mom and husband to the Non-Stress Test room. 

I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom overheard this nurse talking to the woman who oversees the NST's saying, "She claims they want her to have an ultrasound. I'll have to check that out." The other woman agreed. They both came off as if they didn't believe what I was saying. So, that ticked my mom off and it instantly put her in a bad mood. I could tell the vibes weren't so nice when I walked into the room and sat down. The woman who looks over the tests didn't say a word to me while she hooked me up. Usually we made small conversation and it is rather pleasant. However, this time I felt as if I was an inconvenience. Praise God that the test went quickly and my doctor showed up.

She announced in front of both of the women that if I'll follow her, she'll get me in for the unscheduled ultrasound she wants me to have. I exhaled and a bit of relief came over me when she said that because then I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. My doctor kindly asked for us to follow her to the ultrasound room and discussed everything with the ultrasound tech. From that point on, the appointment went up hill. 

However, the way I was made to feel makes me reflect back on one thing. Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that well. I rolled out of bed after a night of fighting to sleep. My lower back and right side was hurting because of all the pressure. So, in reality I didn't feel like doing my hair or make up. I didn't have a cute outfit on. I had a t-shirt with a pair of yoga pants. I looked the way I felt... like crud.

This goes to show that appearance has a lot to do with how you're treated in public. For each appointment I have been to, I have always had my hair done and so was my make up. I also tried my best to dress somewhat presentable. However, yesterday I did none of this. Normally, I'm treated with the utmost respect. The one day I go in looking less than presentable, I am treated like crap. 

So, for those of you who work in the health field with pregnant women, please remember that even though they may NOT look presentable in your eyes, that doesn't mean you can treat them any different. As a matter of fact, it shouldn't matter what they look like regardless. 

In the end... our graves will look the same. A six foot hole in the ground! Everything in this life, materialistic wise, doesn't matter. It's what is on the inside that matters. Remember before you judge someone, be sure you're perfect and free of any flaws!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Week 35- High Risk and Stressed

I had another appointment today. Today's outcome wasn't what we were hoping for. During last weeks visit, I had the hopes that our prayers were being answered with the polyhydramnios. We got the news that the amniotic fluid hasn't decreased this week, it actually went up to the highest it's been so far. 

I went into the ultrasound first and I noticed that the fluid pockets they measure looked as if there were more fluid. But...hey... what do I know? I'm not a pro at reading those things, so I didn't allow it to worry me until I spoke with the doctor. 

Of course, Mr. wasn't up for another day of play with the ultrasound. He was rather laid back for the appointment. I personally like when he's hanging out and not doing what they need him to do right away because I enjoy watching him. It's really the only peace of mind I have for the moment. As I watch my little guy wiggle his fingers or suck on his fist, I can see that he's all right for the moment. Of course, deep down inside I know that can change at any moment and that scares me. 

I asked the tech what the fluid looked like and she was able to give me the number. After doing the math and whatnot, it came out to 28. I only know that this is considered high because when it was at 26.4, I was diagnosed with the polyhydramnios. Once again, I'm not a doctor so I didn't know exactly what this meant but my ease went out the window. I was right. The fluid increased. 

Once they were done with his testing, I went back out to the waiting room. It took everything I had to hold back my tears. The fear and anxiety of losing my baby came back. With the issues, I had no idea what we were about to face. I remembered the doctor saying that if the fluid got too high, there'd be a hospital stay in my future. I'm praying that I don't have to go to the hospital before being in labor. I also remembered them saying that if the situation got too bad, then they would induce. Baby boy has to stay in there until at least 37 weeks for him to be considered full term. Therefore, the wait to meet with the doctor took its toll on my nerves.

Once we got back there, the doctor said baby boy himself looked to be doing well. As for the fluid, I need to keep taking it easy with the bed rest and keep doing the kick counts. I'm more in tune to my body and baby boy now then I have ever been before. I need to be sure I feel him kicking all the time. If at any time the contractions I have become even slightly uncomfortable, I'm to head off to labor and delivery. If I feel winded at all while at rest, this too warrants a trip to L&D. 

All these changes are very overwhelming. Then, add on the fears of what's to come. Yes, I am a believer in Christ and I do have faith. However, I am human and not perfect. This worry will NEVER go away until I am holding my son. Even after it will be there because I will always fear if
another one of my children will be next. Therefore, telling me to calm down won't really help. That's one thing I love about my doctors, they have yet to tell me not to stress or worry. Their right beside me doing the same thing.

Now I'm scheduled to go back in on Thursday for another non-stress test and an unscheduled ultrasound. They want to double check the fluid to see what happens within the few days between appointments. If we hit the 37 week goal, the doctors will watch to see when baby boy can safely enter the world. This is when we'll start talking about inducing me. If I were to go into labor now on my own, they don't plan on stopping the labor. Both of these options scare me because their are risks to both sides. 

Well... that's the update for now. If I find out anything new this week, I'll post it here with another update. 

Thank you to every person who has been praying for us. We greatly appreciate it. Love to all.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Ignorance With Loss- Speaking Out

It's absolutely heartbreaking when I'm surfing the Internet and actually see just how ignorant people are when it comes to child loss. Today I saw a news article on wpxi.com that pertained to a couple in California who gave birth to an angel. Immediately I had to read it and absolutely loved it. I love the fact that even though it's not my story or about my precious Dakota, it's still bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I then felt the need to share Dakota's picture too. For some reason when I see anything on this subject, I have the need to put my daughter out there too. I want people to know she existed and she lived. 

What broke my heart was the response the family got to their photo's of their sleeping angel when they were brought to the attention of the public. Each comment was as if someone had taken a knife and pushed it into my heart. 

Ignorance like these comments:
  • "Private pictures ok. Dead babies on the internet no."

  •  "Dead Babies on the Internet" - I feel like there is a social commentary type punk rock song in here somewhere...
  • People grieve in their own way but the pictures should be kept private within the family not plastered everywhere on the internet and Facebook

  • I think it's morbid and constitutes abuse of corpse.

  • Not sure how I feel about that one 

1 in 4 women experience child loss in some form...some experience it multiple times. I am 1 in 4. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days. If you have NEVER lost a child, feel blessed because it does change who you are and how you deal with things. I am glad people are speaking out about it and raising awareness. How dare you pass judgement on grieving mothers for having pictures done. Grow up and realize all life is precious and stop being petty. These comment dig deep down inside and bother the heck out of me. Value every second of life. 

Until you lose a child at birth, you have no idea the pain and loss you feel. I feel that no one should have to experience this. It is not warped or disturbing to take photo's of your sleeping angel. What makes you so high and mighty that you can judge? 

Those of us that have lost babies cope in different ways. Don't put the grieving parents down because it is not the way you would choose to grieve. Everyone who thinks this is morbid just can't handle the truth that yes these situations do happen. This is the truth to child loss  Families get photos because it's their child. They will share these with their future children and so on. It's comfort for them to see their little angel. 

IF you're one of those people who deem it warped or disturbing, do me a favor.... chose one of your children you choose to live life without. Yeah, pick one. Doesn't matter which. Now... imagine choosing a headstone for that child. Or how about this, imagine what that child would look like laying in a casket. You know... "dead and disturbing". Ohhh look at that... I hit a nerve. I bet you can't even imagine either one of these scenarios. Can you? 

Now.. picture funeral music playing, flowers, and your last kiss before the casket is closed forever. Remember this will be the last time you will EVER see your child again on this earth. Oh, now they're getting ready to bury your child. They lower the casket as you force yourself to look away. Next they throw the dirt in the hole where your child was just lowered. Let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!!

You have NO right to sit back and judge me as an angel mother for how I choose to deal with the loss of my child. Therefore, until you experience it.. how about you educate yourself about Pregnancy and Infant Loss? Or how about this... reach out and send comfort to a family who was forced to say goodbye before they even had the chance to say hello! Until then, I'll shout it from the roof tops and the mountain tops that my daughter LIVED! You have no right to either like or dislike what I choose to do until you have been here yourself! Plain and simple!!!! 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Things I Wish I Knew BEFORE Pregnancy After Loss (PAL)

***I read an article yesterday with the same base line of this article. I'm writing my version because there are things I'd like to add in with from my perspective. To read the original article, click here.*

Pregnancy can be an emotional, yet joyful time for a soon to be Mommy! The anticipation of meeting your newest family member builds up over the nine months and by the end of the pregnancy everyone is anxious to meet the newest family member.

However, the joys, hopes, and dreams are changed for those who are pregnant after a loss. Well, as a matter of fact, EVERYTHING changes and the angel Mom is never the same with any future pregnancies. 

Here are the things I wish I would have been told before my pregnancy with my rainbow:

1. TTC (Trying to Conceive) is an emotional nightmare. My husband and I decided that we wanted to try for our rainbow baby about three months after the loss of our precious daughter. I didn't realize how different it would be. The fun was gone and it was work once we had the agreement of my doctor. (He suggested I waited three full menstrual cycles before trying again.) The first month we tried, it wasn't successful and I felt as if I failed. The feelings that went through me were overbearing. I had a hard time with TTC and just sex in general. The fun and quality time with my husband turned into a bunch of thoughts like "I wonder if it'll happen this time?" or "I pray I'm tracking everything right so it happens now." I anxiously waited for that time of the month and when it arrived, I broke down and cried. I honestly felt like it was going to take me forever to conceive or I wasn't ever going to again. At this time, I no longer trusted my body to do it's thing because it had just failed me several months before. Then the cycle of TTC started again. It was really depressing mixed with fear and anxiety. 

2. Finding out your pregnant isn't the same as it once was. The moment the positive test came in I had mixed emotions about it. During the time we were TTC, I would imagine what the moment would be like when I finally saw that our prayers were answered. Would I scream with excitement? Would I cry from fear? Would I tell others right away or keep the news to myself?  I was four days late and felt as if it was a joke. My cruel body was doing it again. Boosting up my spirit with hope only to crash it at any moment with the dreaded menstrual time. I didn't tell my husband that I was going to take the test. He was sleeping from working the night before and I ran to the store to get the test. I took the test alone in the bathroom and those three minutes felt like forever. POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. Literally. I thought the test was wrong. It was too good to be true. I've heard it said that if it feels too good to be true...it usually is. This is what kept running through my mind. I thought the test had to be wrong and it that it was a defective test. Of course, I took another one. That too was positive. I fell to my knees and cried. Part of me wanted to believe it and the other part was trying to tell me it was a joke. Fear and anxiety snuck in at this moment even more. Once I pulled myself together and told my husband, all I could think of was "What's going to happen?" "Will I be able to handle another stillbirth if it were to happen again?" 

3. You'll constantly expect something bad to happen. Realization of the new pregnancy took a while to sink in even after taking two at home tests, I needed to have it confirmed by the doctor. This was a task all on it's own. With a stillbirth in my history, I was considered high risk from the start. The doctor did a urine test to confirm the pregnancy. This one was positive too. However, I didn't think it was right. The doctor pulled me into the ultrasound room and showed me the sack, baby, and the flicker of a heartbeat. This is when I allowed it to start sinking in. I was really pregnant. From that point on, I constantly worried about what I would see when I needed to use the restroom. I was always expecting to see blood. I was told it's normal after experiencing a traumatic ordeal like we had with our daughter. The fear that at any moment something bad will happen only leads to even more anxiety and fear.

4. The bad pregnancy symptoms most people dread, become your best friend. I know in my first pregnancy I didn't feel anything regarding those symptoms. However, with my angel I had the morning sickness like crazy. It started within my pregnancy with my rainbow too. But this time, I welcomed it. I wanted to feel sick and have my breast hurt. This was a sign to me that everything at that moment was okay. I would panic when I felt good. I automatically thought something was wrong and ran to the bathroom once again expecting to see blood. When the first trimester was coming to an end and so did the symptoms, I kept thinking something happened and the baby had died. 

5. Doctor appointments ease some of the fear. I lived for the visits to the doctor. I would count down the days until I was able to go in. However, when it came time it also brought on a new set of worries. "Will there be a heartbeat this time?" was the main question I'd ask myself on the morning of my appointments. With being high risk not only did the doctor want to see me but he also requested ultrasounds too. I remember the first ultrasound with my rainbow. I was waiting in the doctors office holding back tears because of the fear of no heartbeat when it came time for the ultrasound. At this point, this was the first ultrasound I had since I lost my daughter and I was afraid my rainbow would have the same fate. By the time I was laid back on the bed and the tech was checking the heartbeat, I could no longer hold back my tears. I cried and without realizing it, I held my breath until the tech said the heartbeat was there. This became routine at every visit.

6. Others will expect you to be okay now that you're pregnant again! What I didn't realize is that I thought this too. I thought that since I'd be pregnant... I'd be okay but this wasn't the case at all. I was and have been far from okay. Being pregnant after a loss doesn't make all those feelings from the loss go away. In fact, they only become stronger. At times I sat and remembered my pregnancy more with my angel than with my rainbow. I'd sit on the couch listening to the heartbeat on the at home doppler I purchased while remembering my angels heartbeat. This was the case during the entire pregnancy. I believe this is okay because you can't forget one child because you have another.

7. Anxiety will over take you in the first trimester when you can't feel the baby move.  I remember saying that once our rainbow would begin moving, I'd be okay. However, the road there was rough. I wanted so badly to feel our rainbow move that I ached for it at times. This would be another indication that the baby was fine. It seemed as if the first trimester went by very slowly. 

8. However, you'll worry even in the second trimester after you can feel the baby's movements. I waited so long for the movement of my rainbow. Once it had happened I wasn't sure about it. I panicked when I couldn't feel the baby move with each movement, which caused me to run back to the heart doppler again. So it wasn't as reassuring as I thought it would be.

9. The fact that you WILL obsess about the baby moving as time goes by. When the kicks were more frequent, I needed to feel them. I felt like something was wrong if I didn't feel my baby move. When I wouldn't feel him move, I would began to panic and fall back on the heart doppler. I was very tuned into the baby's movements.

10. When seeing another pregnant woman, jealousy will happen. I know this one to be true. I still do it to this day during my 34th week of pregnancy. I get mad, too. The reason is because they still have that innocent joy within their pregnancy and they don't know this new world I was forced into. At times I caught myself immediately disliking her because of her genuine smile that wasn't hiding fear in the deep dark shadows of her heart. Do I have joy now? Yes, however it's always mixed with another emotion. I don't believe I'll ever feel pure joy when it comes to my kids again.

11. You will Google or call your doctor with EVERY symptom you have. I can't tell you how many times during this pregnancy I have resorted to Googling what was going on with me and then calling the doctor. Each new thing that happens within pregnancy will have one wondering if it's normal or if it's an indication that something is wrong. 

12. Any speed bump between conception and delivery will scare you!  When I was diagnosed within this pregnancy with Polyhydramnios, which is too much amniotic fluid. I went home and cried. I explained how this made me feel in another post here. This put me on bed rest and to limit my activity to ensure I didn't bring on pre-term labor. Deep down inside I felt as if my baby had the same outcome as my angel. Each appointment is only more anxiety and doesn't help to calm me until I hear the words: You're baby isn't in danger. 

13. Fear doesn't go away as you reach birth. My loss was at 40 weeks 5 days. I have no days to "just get past" and nothing to ease my fears. The fears of loss with my rainbow only increase as I get closer to D-day. Everything during pregnancy isn't predictable and this is scary. With six weeks left, I'm a bundle of nerves and there's nothing I can do to provide some comfort. 


These are my comments with each point made in the original post. I hope this helps someone out there to see how things have been for me pregnancy wise and I hope this gives some insight to someone who is PAL.

If you are PAL, add your comments below if I missed something on my end.
Not PAL? Did this article help you understand better?