Come on in!

I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.



I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Anxiety Isn't Forever

Sweaty palms....
Racing Heart....
Headache....
Stomach pains....
Hard to Breathe....



These are all some of the symptoms I feel when my anxiety is present, which happens
to be more than I care to acknowledge. 

I suffer from anxiety 
Full blown.

At any given moment, it surfaces and 
most times there's no reason.

I constantly feel as if I have a weight sitting on my chest...
My hands... I'm not quite sure what to do with them
I just have to move because of the overwhelming feeling, as if it might help.

I often find it worse when I'm riding, yes riding because I don't drive.. in the car.
Down the interstate.
I check my phone.
Put on Chapstick.
Play with my phone more.
Change the radio station, especially if the music is making it worse.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself...
Anxiety isn't forever.
It may be the one thing that follows me through my life
but one day... I'll be free.

Jesus promised me this.
I know that when I die and go home...
I'll be free.

Until then... 
I'll fight with every ounce of
strength I have. 

It's not over 
not now
not today
not in this lifetime.

But...
one day
will
be.

Friday, April 7, 2017

The Uncomfortable Truth

Trust & Forgiveness
My biggest struggles in life right now.

A lot has happened to get me to the point in my life where
I struggle to forgive this particular person. You see.. when I thought I 
had forgiven them, something came up to show me that this person wasn't being the person
they were putting off. They would repeatedly do the exact things to hurt me, yet expect
me to continually forgive them..

... and I did because what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't forgive those
who has wrong me like Christ forgave those who wronged him? 

At times, I feel as if these feelings were going to consume me; leaving me unable to trust
fully once again. A lot of the time, I found myself living these past struggles, instead of enjoying 
the here and now. I couldn't help it though. 

The thought of this person being in these situations.. doing the things they did... replay in my mind 
like a movie I never intended to see. I often wonder if the words of encouragement, love, and endearment are real or if they're just a cover for more things going wrong. I struggled to set boundaries for myself; telling myself to let go. I remembered thinking that if I could just forgive...then I could move on. Then I wondered if it were pointless or worth saving.

I am often faced with the dilemma of... "Is it time to walk away to save me?" When is it okay to stop the hurt and say that it's enough?

Apology after apology.
Wrongdoing after wrongdoing.
Lies.
Deceit.
Secrets.
It's like a never-ending cycle. 

I can't make them change, regardless of how much I desire for them to do so. I try to talk with them, so they know the way I feel. This goes either one of two ways...

1. They never have anything to say....
OR
2. Their actions are a result of my inaction.

Then, I feel like I hit a brick wall.... again.
Communication halted.
A few days pass...
and we go on like nothing happened.
Everything was swept under the rug.

Except now...
now I am expected to carry on while carrying 
the hurt, anger, and pain.  

Never seems as if the cycle will end...
... unless....
I walk away.

Walking away....
the thought hurts and questions take over.
My heart aches thinking about it
but I know I have a choice to make.

They say history repeats itself...
... does this pertain to relationships?

If only they would fully open up and talk.
Put into action the words that they speak.
Show love...ALL the time. Not for a week and then go right back.

- Anonymous 


Your Own Worst Enemy

Life has many ups and downs, along with twists and turns. We often
face situations that push us and try us to the point of exhaustion.

A few nights ago, I was woken up by my ten-year-old daughter who has been
having a hard time staying asleep at night. Once I gave her something to cuddle,
a drink, and another hug/kiss, I went back to my room and laid down. While I was
laying there, I quietly listened to my husband's heaving breathing, which was followed
by our son's heavy breathing. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep since I had been woken up
several times throughout the night by both kids. I decided to lay there and ponder with my thoughts. I seriously hate when this happens because then I happen to think of all the hurtful conversations, hurtful events, and the ongoing hurt from them. I think of ways
I should have responded or I think of the things I should have said. There have even
been times where the anger flared back up and sleep was pointless. My brain likes to push
the repeat button on these memories, which lead to my heart racing and me fighting not to wake up
my husband to talk. Yes, most of these memories are of unsettling events between us within the previous twelve years. 

This endless cycle made me realize something. The only reason why this spiritual battle keeps
occurring is because I have a hard time with letting go. I have a hard time just letting things lay to rest when these issues haven't been sorted through; they had been hushed and swept under the rug. I'm the type of person who needs to talk through my feelings on anything that I feel is wrong. If not, I pay for it because my mind goes through an endless amount of torture for me. Yes, my mind causes me pain. I allowed this to happen for so long.

Anway, there I was at four in the morning, laying in bed while fighting back tears while my heart
raced and my anxiety heightened. All the wronged that I had endured flooded through my veins, making my temper rise. The spiritual battle in full force.

That's how the enemy works. He will wait until he can catch you off guard so he can haunt you with all those unsettled situations that still bother your soul. Most of these nights, I cried in silence to be sure I didn't wake my family. The lies flooded my mind making me believe that I was destined to never feel true happiness because I always had these unsettled issues to be worked. 

On this particular night, I decided to head out of the bedroom. I joined my overly fluffy white cat, who was sprawled out on the sofa. By this point, the thoughts of my mind had me in a nauseating point of hurt because of all the unfinished business; the conversations that hadn't been. There I sat, thinking, hurting. Deep inside, my spirit wanted freedom and healing. However, my heart and mind wouldn't allow that because they continued to listen to Satan's lies. 

That's when I silently cried out to the Lord while looking out the window behind my couch. As I stared at the silence outside, I asked the Lord for help. I wanted to be free from the hurt, lies, deception, and pain. I asked the Lord to take control, I didn't want the job of me anymore. 

Once I did this, I learned a bit about what was happening. As I threw myself into this cycle, I never gave God the option of stepping in and fighting this for me. I was blocking myself from my own blessing. I've learned that in order for God to gain control, we have to be willing to lay it down and walk away so He can pick it up.  How can the Lord take over when we continually laid it down for a little bit and then pick it back up? If the issues are being held by us, we aren't giving God the room He needs. We need to put it down completely, turn, and walk away. No going back.

****

Are you willing to give your situation to God and allow Him to work it out through His power and authority?
















Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Idea's for keeping a journal...

I'm a BIG fan of journaling. 
You could say that I collect them just to have, but
sometimes I actually USE them for their intended purpose.

If you've been following me and what I do... then you know I'm
a writer/author by trade.

Yes, I'm serious...
No, really...
Look me up on Amazon.... 


See... 
Told ya... LOL

Anyway, as an author I know and have heard many times while
I write Heavenly Realities: Stumbling toward Gratitude ... 
"Oh, I can't write in a journal. I'm not cut out for it like you."
OR
"I don't have the time."

I'm here to tell you...
Yes, you can and yes, you do!!

Over time I have realized that my biggest road block in writing
is not knowing what to write. Well, that is one reason why I decided to write 
Stumbling Toward Gratitude and this very post.

See, I'm going to share with you the ways I've used my own journals so you can
start one of your own. I can honestly say it's the best thing I have ever done!

When I take
the time to journal,
I'm giving myself the gift of me time.
I'm allowing myself a chance to breathe and just be.
I dedicate a half an hour before I laid down each night
to writing in my journal. This helps wind down and
it gives me a clear heart before bed.

Therefore, I decided to give you some of the same
ideas so you can take some time for yourself.

So here we go...

****

1. Prayers

We often have such a busy schedule and
a good bit of the time we don't set aside time for God. By keeping a prayer journal that
we devote our time to, we are giving ourselves time with God.

2. Gratitude

With a gratitude journal, write down three things
that you are grateful for that happened during that day.
(Check out Stumbling toward Gratitude to help you
with writing prompts.)


3. Praise Journal
(One of my favs)

In addition to gratitude, we can write down
the positive things that happened during the day.
This is a good way to focus on the good and not
the bad. 


****

I hope these ideas help you and you'll consider doing something for yourself and starting a journal. In our busy lives, we deserve the down time.

***
How else might you consider using a journal?

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Like a Child...

Parenting is a mission that many are selected to do. It's a forever mission appointed by God. As parents, we are qualified to do His bidding. We are to be the light that shines through the dark so our children can find their way. We are to speak and teach the truth. But our most important job within parenting is to pray for our children.

Over the past ten years of my parenting journey, I remember feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. At times, I even feel this way today. My oldest seems to always want her life to revolve around electronics and when she's glued to her Kindle, her attitude sucks. At one time, I felt like I failed, like my body failed when I lost my daughter in the womb and she was stillborn. I have even felt like a failure with my currently two-year-old son because he's not where the doctors believe he should be when it comes to talking.

God has spoken to me on numerous occasions in the most unexpected ways. He told me that He understands what it feels like to lose a child and gain one at the same time. I was confused by this and it took me three years to understand. He lost His child to sin but gained Him by the cross. 

He told me He understands my pain when it comes to the broken relationship that I have with my oldest. I have had the hardest time trying to connect with my daughter as she gets older. Our interests aren't the same. She loves dinosaurs and I'm clueless about them. She enjoys Pokemon and I don't even know where to begin. She hates doing her hair and I love it. She's not interested in makeup but I enjoy it. We are very different. I keep reaching out and she keeps pushing away. I try to teach her the right ways to go and it seems to flow in one ear and out the other. I try to guide, protect, and love her to the best of my ability, but she won't have any of it. 

Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me explain how God understands what I am going through as a parent. He continually loves us. There isn't a sin in this world that will stand in between the love of God and His child (You). God has given us freedom, as I have done with my daughter, to choose our own way. He gives us the opportunity for us to show Him in return the love we have for Him. However, this doesn't stop Him from pursuing a relationship with us. Just as I have done in the past with my daughter, God is doing it with us too. He reaches and we push away. He comforts and we blame Him. He wants to build a stronger relationship with us but we're nieve and think we can handle it on our own. We are His stubborn children.

Regardless of how much we push away, He's always there when the rough spots hit. That's when we seem to seek out His love, strength, and healing the most. But He wants more than that. He wants us ALL OF THE TIME. He will continue to pursue us because He knows we are worth it. He knows the ways He can teach us. He knows how He can or will use these to teach us about Himself so we can get to know Him better. He knows the ways to make us more like Him by growing the fruit of the Spirit within our hearts. We just need to open up to Him and allow Him to work. 

This is especially true when it comes to our children too. Once we fully submit to God, we can focus on our children and teach them of the love of Christ. We can trust our children to Him through prayer and by building our relationship with Him. 

He's here.
He's waiting.
Do you accept?














Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Come Sit. Let's talk....

Grab a cup of coffee and stay awhile. 

❤️

I have something to tell you. 
I'm talking to you.
The Mom who is stressed and depressed.
The one who tries so hard but feels like you failed.
The one who has puffy eyes with dark circles around them.
The one with spit up covering your last clean shirt.
The one who fights daily to get your child(ren) up and off to school.
The one who battles the "know it all" attitude.
I'm talking to ALL mothers at every stage of parenting.


❤️❤️❤️


This message is an important one and I pray you open your heart to receive it!

Motherhood is very rewarding and most of the time, it's a journey where Mom's wonder if they're doing this parenting thing right. At times, we lay in our beds after a very rewarding, yet stressful day, and wonder if we made any difference in our children's lives. Maybe you're worried about the news you just received and you're unsure of the steps you must take. Perhaps you feel that you need to be strong because it's the only choice you have. Maybe, you're laying in bed going over the list of things that you didn't get done or of the upsetting situation that occurred only hours before.

Can I tell you something? What if I told you that none of this matters? What if I told you that you're doing exactly the right thing and that you don't need to stress about it? 

You see life is full of its own challenges. These small bumps in the road are only meant to build you up for the greatness God has in store for you. Each one of our stories are the same, yet they're different. Motherhood has such a vast array of obstacles in it and sometimes we find ourselves comparing our parenting skills with those around us or we find ourselves weakened by these obstacles which make it hard for us to believe that we're on the right track. However, all these negative thoughts hinder all the beautiful things that we did accomplish and they overshadow the best moments.

Take a moment. Push aside any negative thought you have that are clouding your mind. Allow God to show you the moments where you made a difference in your child(ren) life/lives. I'm sure you're weakened spirit is at a weary moment right now. Maybe the beautiful moment I am referring to is that moment where your toddler stopped in mid run to turn to you for a slobbery kiss and big hug. Maybe it's that moment where your child ran into the house from the bus ready to show you all of the studying you helped with paid off with a high test score. Maybe it's the college acceptance letter that arrived in the mail. These are the blessings I want you to see and remember.

We all feel like we've messed up somewhere along the way but let me assure you...YOU ARE DOING GREAT! The enemy is whispering all these lies in your ears and I want you to know that his goal is to steal your joy. He wants you to focus on those areas in life where you feel defeated, broken, and anxious. He wants you beating yourself up because your toddler ate the crayon before you noticed. He wants you constantly feeling bad for forgetting the school lunch during a trying morning with the kids. He wants you to feel like you failed because your teen has an attitude problem and is facing hardships that only adults should be enduring.

STOP THOSE LIES IN THEIR TRACKS!

Let me tell you this....
You are worthy.
You are smart.
You are strong.
You are amazing.
You are not a failure.
You are A MOTHER!


❤️


Being a mother is such a blessing. From this moment on, I want you to focus on the part of life where you succeed and stop focusing on the "mess ups". Stop looking for the unfinished tasks from the day because you have done everything God needed you to do. He guides and gives. He loves and forgives. Therefore, you need to forgive yourself. 

You are the daughter of a King and you are worth far more than rubies. Hold your head up. Praise God for the joys of motherhood and ask Him to guide you in your moments of weakness. With Him, all things are possible. Therefore, don't shy away from Him but run into His waiting arms to be embraced by His love, strength, and grace.