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I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Eviction for literally... NOTHING

So now that all is said and done... I'll be telling all of what happened. However, I'm not writing this to put down those who had put my family in this position, I'm writing my testimony and how God worked in my life.

Here we go...

I lived in a small two bedroom apartment above my landlord's garage for about two years. Things kicked off awesome and I thought I found two new friends. Over time, one of the two changed. She became cocky and uncaring. Her children were allowed to openly disrespect me, my husband, and my kids. After much thought, my husband and I decided it was time to move, but we wanted a place where we could call home and NEVER have to worry about moving. We wanted to buy our first home. This sadly did not happen. 

After an argument one night in the kitchen with the landlord over the disrespect from her daughter's, we received a typed letter (not notarized or signed by a judge) that told us we had 30 days to move. Anxiety kicked in because this wasn't how I wanted things to end. I even went to the extent of sending apology texts to both landlords and begged for them to give us another chance. That did not work. They were sticking to the eviction. 

House hunting started immediately. That's where I felt I lived in my own prison. I was afraid to live, breathe, or even be in that apartment. Mutual respect went out the window and bitterness set in. I lived in my own wallow of pity. I constantly cried as I pack, yet another box. By this point, packing up had become my specialty since I've moved so many times in my life. I seriously wanted this place to be the last in which we rented. My attitude suffered. My emotions had the best of me and it affected my appetite. I ended up losing ten pounds during this hard time. The once always opened blinds during the day, now remained closed. I didn't want to look at the people who so heartlessly kicked my children out over an argument. No, I wasn't late on the rent. The place wasn't trashed and my bills were paid. There wasn't a legal reason for the eviction.

Apartment after house. We looked, called, and inquired. However, it was super hard to find a place close enough to my daughter's homeschool group since they are highly sought areas. Weeks were ticking by and boxes filled the place I once called home. My (at the time) three-year-old son didn't understand what was going on, which made things rough because he's unique. He has a sensory disorder and doesn't do well with quick changes. My daughter stressed that she'd have to leave the only school she fell in love with. However, I was determined to not allow that to happen. 

As I was sitting in my recliner, it dawned on me... perhaps God was needing me to do something to open the next door for us and welcome us to our next blessing. So, I got a hold of my attitude, forgave those who hurt us, and prayed. Boy... did I pray. Every second of every day. I came to call this place of my life... the "in between" stage. You know... it's that time in life where things that once was became things of the past, but the things of the future haven't quite made it to the present yet. In this stage, I prayed and held on to my faith. I knew God had something great in store for us. I just had to be still and allow Him to work.

Then one evening, my son's ex-therapist notified me of a potential home that was available. We immediately called the landlord and set up a time to see the place. This place was perfect. Set close to my daughter's school. Not in a crowded town. Off road parking with a carport. Fenced in... side yard that is safe for my son to run and play. I loved the outer appearance. 

We stepped onto the nice sized porch and into the home. Directly into the very spacious living room. It seriously was the size of two of the living room that I had in the apartment. Lamanite hardwood floors. Beautiful large windows. Perfect. Then we saw the spacious bedrooms, which were much bigger and I could even put my queen bed in the middle of the wall and still have room to walk around. In my old apartment, our bed could only be against one wall and there was a window directly above our bed, which I don't like. We walked down the hallway that went to the other side of the house when I noticed BUILT IN bookshelves!! They are gorgeous. I took this as a sign from God because He knows my passion for writing and my love of books. We stepped into the kitchen area which took my breath. It was so much bigger and I was humbled to think that we could live here. 

Once we did some talking afterward, we headed back to the old place with our hope restored. I excitedly packed boxes. There was a process we had to go through before the landlord could give us an answer, but I continued to pray.  

The application came. We filled it out and emailed it back. The landlord told us that she'd have to check my references and she'd let us know. I didn't have a worry about this because I knew God had my back and He was going to take care of us. 

Almost a week passed before we found out that we got the house!!! 

I happily carried out my boxes to the moving truck a few weeks later. Gave the apartment a good cleaning and I handed over the keys to the old landlord. The landlord checked the apartment and told us we'd have our deposit the following week. Climbing into our beat down CRV, I was elated! I could finally get away from that prison and LIVE!! So many people volunteered that day to help us move and they did so... carefully. You see, in the past, I've had so many things damaged from moving, but this one... I only lost a glass and for that I am grateful.

Now, I was unpacking with my mother's help and setting up. My daughter's sleeping issues disappeared and she enjoyed having her room again. (I'll explain this later.) My son had so much room to run, and that's exactly what he did. By late evening, everyone had left and we were officially home. Hubby had already set up all utilities and the internet so I could immediately get back to writing. As he worked on putting beds together, the kids and I helped get the cat comfortable. However, as soon as we opened his carrier, he was home and he knew it. 

Life settled in and things were coming along. We received a letter in the mail and thought it had been our deposit from the old apartment. It was and no it wasn't. You see... the landlord decided that it was her right to keep part of it because the VA helped us and paid the deposit when we first moved in. However, it was clearly stated that it was to be returned to us. Next, she explained that since our rent was due on the 1st (per our lease) that the 15 days in April were unpaid for. However, I had a receipt that proved the rent was paid and it was dated the 15th, which was when we verbally agreed on.  Then, to make matter's worse, I noticed that we were going to need to take her to court in order for this wrong to be corrected.

We gathered all paperwork and proof. 1. All paid bills. 2. Rent receipt. 3. Eviction notice. 

While we waited for the court date to approach, the Lord had a few more blessings in mind. We were planning our very first trip to the beach, which had been in the works since before we were evicted and A NEW CAR!!! My husband and I desperately needed a new vehicle, as ours was always breaking down. One evening, the horn on the CRV decided to go off on its own and that was the breaking point. God made it possible for my husband to bring home and pay for a newer Honda Civic. 

See in the midst of our storm, I wanted to give up but didn't. I threw all that had me worried and ready to break to Jesus and allowed Him to carry the burden. He worked it out for the best of my family and I totally give Him all the credit for everything we have now. I am grateful and very appreciative for everything and I couldn't thank Him enough.

****

If you are going through a trying time, please do not give up. Hold on. Pray and ask God for help. Then give it to him. We can't ask him to help if we're still standing in the way with worry and anxiety. Give it fully to him and if you feel worried again, pray. NEVER STOP PRAYING!!! Prayer works. God hears you and He loves you!!

Saturday, October 6, 2018

It's been over a year..... WHAT?!?!?

I can't believe that it's been over a year since I've written anything on this blog. I do apologize to each one who follows this blog and looks for inspiration. My life got rather crazy this year. Therefore, I'll be doing what I can to catch you up to date.

First and foremost, everything is going great! I couldn't be happier. God has blessed me and my family so much within the 2018 year and it's truly amazing. I know the last time I was sporadically writing, I was in such a dark place. But... man, oh man... let me tell you... Jesus has been working in my life!!!

In May of 2017, my grandfather, whom I loved so so much and adored, passed away. As well as my high school sweetheart in 2018. So that added to the heartache that May already brings.

In March 0f 2018, I was evicted from my home (long story here) and I had to move by April 14th. This brought so much stress to my life, but it was also a test in my faith. When all seemed to be falling through and it looked like we were going to be homeless, the Lord stepped in and blessed us with a bigger/beautiful home. I love it here. It's so spacious. We have our own yard and the landlord is great!!

My daughter was diagnosed with anxiety and started medication. She was doing therapy but that abruptly ended when her doctor left the practice. (I'll continue to blog about this later on.)

My husband has been freaking incredible and has made so much positive change. (This too will be in blog posts and a book very soon.)

I had a few health hiccups but I believe I'm back on track and healing. Thanks to the Lord!! (I'll also explain this in a later blog too.)

So, now we are happily living in our new home in a completely different town and I can't thank God enough for all that he's done in my life. Now, in future blog posts.... I'll be explaining why. So, until next time....God bless and I hope to see you again soon.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.



I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Anxiety Isn't Forever

Sweaty palms....
Racing Heart....
Headache....
Stomach pains....
Hard to Breathe....



These are all some of the symptoms I feel when my anxiety is present, which happens
to be more than I care to acknowledge. 

I suffer from anxiety 
Full blown.

At any given moment, it surfaces and 
most times there's no reason.

I constantly feel as if I have a weight sitting on my chest...
My hands... I'm not quite sure what to do with them
I just have to move because of the overwhelming feeling, as if it might help.

I often find it worse when I'm riding, yes riding because I don't drive.. in the car.
Down the interstate.
I check my phone.
Put on Chapstick.
Play with my phone more.
Change the radio station, especially if the music is making it worse.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself...
Anxiety isn't forever.
It may be the one thing that follows me through my life
but one day... I'll be free.

Jesus promised me this.
I know that when I die and go home...
I'll be free.

Until then... 
I'll fight with every ounce of
strength I have. 

It's not over 
not now
not today
not in this lifetime.

But...
one day
will
be.

Friday, April 7, 2017

The Uncomfortable Truth

Trust & Forgiveness
My biggest struggles in life right now.

A lot has happened to get me to the point in my life where
I struggle to forgive this particular person. You see.. when I thought I 
had forgiven them, something came up to show me that this person wasn't being the person
they were putting off. They would repeatedly do the exact things to hurt me, yet expect
me to continually forgive them..

... and I did because what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't forgive those
who has wrong me like Christ forgave those who wronged him? 

At times, I feel as if these feelings were going to consume me; leaving me unable to trust
fully once again. A lot of the time, I found myself living these past struggles, instead of enjoying 
the here and now. I couldn't help it though. 

The thought of this person being in these situations.. doing the things they did... replay in my mind 
like a movie I never intended to see. I often wonder if the words of encouragement, love, and endearment are real or if they're just a cover for more things going wrong. I struggled to set boundaries for myself; telling myself to let go. I remembered thinking that if I could just forgive...then I could move on. Then I wondered if it were pointless or worth saving.

I am often faced with the dilemma of... "Is it time to walk away to save me?" When is it okay to stop the hurt and say that it's enough?

Apology after apology.
Wrongdoing after wrongdoing.
Lies.
Deceit.
Secrets.
It's like a never-ending cycle. 

I can't make them change, regardless of how much I desire for them to do so. I try to talk with them, so they know the way I feel. This goes either one of two ways...

1. They never have anything to say....
OR
2. Their actions are a result of my inaction.

Then, I feel like I hit a brick wall.... again.
Communication halted.
A few days pass...
and we go on like nothing happened.
Everything was swept under the rug.

Except now...
now I am expected to carry on while carrying 
the hurt, anger, and pain.  

Never seems as if the cycle will end...
... unless....
I walk away.

Walking away....
the thought hurts and questions take over.
My heart aches thinking about it
but I know I have a choice to make.

They say history repeats itself...
... does this pertain to relationships?

If only they would fully open up and talk.
Put into action the words that they speak.
Show love...ALL the time. Not for a week and then go right back.

- Anonymous 


Your Own Worst Enemy

Life has many ups and downs, along with twists and turns. We often
face situations that push us and try us to the point of exhaustion.

A few nights ago, I was woken up by my ten-year-old daughter who has been
having a hard time staying asleep at night. Once I gave her something to cuddle,
a drink, and another hug/kiss, I went back to my room and laid down. While I was
laying there, I quietly listened to my husband's heaving breathing, which was followed
by our son's heavy breathing. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep since I had been woken up
several times throughout the night by both kids. I decided to lay there and ponder with my thoughts. I seriously hate when this happens because then I happen to think of all the hurtful conversations, hurtful events, and the ongoing hurt from them. I think of ways
I should have responded or I think of the things I should have said. There have even
been times where the anger flared back up and sleep was pointless. My brain likes to push
the repeat button on these memories, which lead to my heart racing and me fighting not to wake up
my husband to talk. Yes, most of these memories are of unsettling events between us within the previous twelve years. 

This endless cycle made me realize something. The only reason why this spiritual battle keeps
occurring is because I have a hard time with letting go. I have a hard time just letting things lay to rest when these issues haven't been sorted through; they had been hushed and swept under the rug. I'm the type of person who needs to talk through my feelings on anything that I feel is wrong. If not, I pay for it because my mind goes through an endless amount of torture for me. Yes, my mind causes me pain. I allowed this to happen for so long.

Anway, there I was at four in the morning, laying in bed while fighting back tears while my heart
raced and my anxiety heightened. All the wronged that I had endured flooded through my veins, making my temper rise. The spiritual battle in full force.

That's how the enemy works. He will wait until he can catch you off guard so he can haunt you with all those unsettled situations that still bother your soul. Most of these nights, I cried in silence to be sure I didn't wake my family. The lies flooded my mind making me believe that I was destined to never feel true happiness because I always had these unsettled issues to be worked. 

On this particular night, I decided to head out of the bedroom. I joined my overly fluffy white cat, who was sprawled out on the sofa. By this point, the thoughts of my mind had me in a nauseating point of hurt because of all the unfinished business; the conversations that hadn't been. There I sat, thinking, hurting. Deep inside, my spirit wanted freedom and healing. However, my heart and mind wouldn't allow that because they continued to listen to Satan's lies. 

That's when I silently cried out to the Lord while looking out the window behind my couch. As I stared at the silence outside, I asked the Lord for help. I wanted to be free from the hurt, lies, deception, and pain. I asked the Lord to take control, I didn't want the job of me anymore. 

Once I did this, I learned a bit about what was happening. As I threw myself into this cycle, I never gave God the option of stepping in and fighting this for me. I was blocking myself from my own blessing. I've learned that in order for God to gain control, we have to be willing to lay it down and walk away so He can pick it up.  How can the Lord take over when we continually laid it down for a little bit and then pick it back up? If the issues are being held by us, we aren't giving God the room He needs. We need to put it down completely, turn, and walk away. No going back.

****

Are you willing to give your situation to God and allow Him to work it out through His power and authority?
















Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Idea's for keeping a journal...

I'm a BIG fan of journaling. 
You could say that I collect them just to have, but
sometimes I actually USE them for their intended purpose.

If you've been following me and what I do... then you know I'm
a writer/author by trade.

Yes, I'm serious...
No, really...
Look me up on Amazon.... 


See... 
Told ya... LOL

Anyway, as an author I know and have heard many times while
I write Heavenly Realities: Stumbling toward Gratitude ... 
"Oh, I can't write in a journal. I'm not cut out for it like you."
OR
"I don't have the time."

I'm here to tell you...
Yes, you can and yes, you do!!

Over time I have realized that my biggest road block in writing
is not knowing what to write. Well, that is one reason why I decided to write 
Stumbling Toward Gratitude and this very post.

See, I'm going to share with you the ways I've used my own journals so you can
start one of your own. I can honestly say it's the best thing I have ever done!

When I take
the time to journal,
I'm giving myself the gift of me time.
I'm allowing myself a chance to breathe and just be.
I dedicate a half an hour before I laid down each night
to writing in my journal. This helps wind down and
it gives me a clear heart before bed.

Therefore, I decided to give you some of the same
ideas so you can take some time for yourself.

So here we go...

****

1. Prayers

We often have such a busy schedule and
a good bit of the time we don't set aside time for God. By keeping a prayer journal that
we devote our time to, we are giving ourselves time with God.

2. Gratitude

With a gratitude journal, write down three things
that you are grateful for that happened during that day.
(Check out Stumbling toward Gratitude to help you
with writing prompts.)


3. Praise Journal
(One of my favs)

In addition to gratitude, we can write down
the positive things that happened during the day.
This is a good way to focus on the good and not
the bad. 


****

I hope these ideas help you and you'll consider doing something for yourself and starting a journal. In our busy lives, we deserve the down time.

***
How else might you consider using a journal?