Well, yesterday I had the 12 week ultrasound. It was very emotional for me. My morning started out great. I got Sunshine (my oldest daughter) off to school and got ready for the appointment. During this entire time, anxiety and fear were far from my mind and only happiness and hope filled me.
Hubby and I decided that with blood work directly after the ultrasound, a McDonald's sweet tea was in order. (Yes, I'm one of those people that suck when it comes to needles. If I'm not reclined and my sugar isn't jacked up, I'll pass out.) So, once I was ready we headed off for the tea.
On my way to the doctor after getting my tea, my nerves kicked in. I became scared. Crazy thoughts poured into my mind. What would I do if the ultrasound technician couldn't find the heartbeat? How would I react if the baby came up on the monitor and wasn't moving? The entire way to the doctors office, which is a 45 min drive) my stomach started churning and I felt sick.
I was super worried and scared. I NEEDED to see that this baby within was alive. I NEEDED to hear the heartbeat immediately. I hated feeling like this. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. No matter how much I fought it... tears fell from my eyes. I constantly prayed for a very active baby with a heartbeat.
The thoughts of... How will I get through this if it happens again? ran through my mind. The ride down felt as if it took forever and the same with finding a place to park. My nerves got the best of me and as soon as we walked into the building, I headed to the bathroom. I needed to let out a good cry and give myself a pep talk.
Hubby patiently waited outside while I pulled myself together. Once I felt that I could face the receptionist in the OB?GYN office, I headed up to the fourth floor. By the time we stepped off the elevator, my nerves were at it again. I simply wasn't strong enough to fight them off.
My legs were shaking as I made my way down the long hallway to the last door on the right. I pushed it open and asked my Hubby to check me in. I couldn't bare to stand any longer. My legs felt as if they were about to collapse, it was hard to breathe, and my stomach was hurting.
My appointment was scheduled for 1 PM. We had a few minute wait ahead due to the fact that we were the ONLY ones in the waiting room. (I silently thanked God for this one.) The receptionist called over to me and asked me a few questions. It was hard to find my voice but when I did, it was super shaky. I was scared.
Once checked in, they informed me that it wouldn't be too long. I stared off into space, watched the stupid show they had playing on the TV, and tried to keep my mind busy while watching Hubby play on his phone. That didn't work. Fifteen minutes into the wait, the receptionist called out that she was sorry and we wouldn't be waiting much longer.
I saw a woman come out from the side door holding pictures from her ultrasound. She had a big smile on her face and no worry any where. I couldn't help but to think... I'd love to have that innocents back and be free from my own nightmare. I hate thinking that at any time I could find out that I had lost another baby.... that my rainbow had died.
I watched this woman as she scheduled her next appointment. She stood with one hand rubbing her belly while the other held the photos. She looked so peaceful and happy. I could tell that she's never experienced a loss like I have. I know it was wrong but listening in I learned that she had one at home and obviously was expecting her second. She made it clear that everything went perfect for both pregnancies. Oh to be that blessed!!!
FINALLY, my name was called and I was pulled out of my tornado of emotions. I stood up, gathered my belongings, and headed towards the ultrasound technician.
"Hi, my name is Amber and I'll be doing the ultrasound today. How are you doing?" she asked me as she directed me down the hall.
Holding back the urge to cry, I answered in a shaky voice as tears welled up in my eyes, "I'm really scared."
She gave me a look of confusion but didn't say anything.
I handed her the form I was instructed to by my doctor and she told me to climb up on the table. A squirt of warm gel and a push of a few buttons.... felt like this had taken forever. Tears fell from my eyes as I waited to see my rainbow on the screen.
Then, I saw my baby. At first my heart dropped because I didn't see any movement. That's
when the little one started opening it's mouth, moving it's arm, and kicking its legs. My heart melted. I watched as she went to different angles of the wiggling little sweet pea. The US Tech played around for a good while and got the measurements she needed, as well as made a gender guess. (Which I'm not revealing at this time due to it being ONLY a guess)
At the end of the visit, she played the baby's heartbeat and all anxiety went out the door. The only thing that was to head off to get my blood drawn and then go home.
So here I am to say that I have successfully made it (almost) through my first trimester. On Monday.... I'll officially be 13 weeks and entering into the second trimester.
I am writing to you as I sit here at my computer pregnant with my rainbow baby. Although I only started this journey 11 weeks and 2 days ago, I wanted to pass along some words to you. I hope you find this letter both comforting and hopeful. I am hopeful that my letter to you will be encouraging during this emotional time for you. Trust me...it's extremely emotional.
First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RAINBOW!!
I know that in the months to come you will be going through a variety of emotions. You will feel as if you're being tossed and turned because of the many emotions that will take place within you. This could range from joy, sadness, hope, and fear. The emotional storm will toss you around like crazy. But... don't let this discourage you because I think you are STRONG and BRAVE!
You are strong because you are a survivor. You are brave because above all else, you are pushing away what has been stolen from you.
It doesn't matter what type of loss you've experienced- miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death- the happiness you once felt during pregnancy has been taken and replaced with an overload of fear. Don't let this get you down.
I do understand that the only thing you want is a healthy, screaming baby at the end of this pregnancy. Angel parents know there isn't a safe zone for our little ones. So, my advice to you is this. When talking about the future for your rainbow, you may find yourself using words such as "if" or "when" and this is normal.
Don't let the enemy try to steal your happiness by telling you that it's wrong to be happy or excited. Don't let the enemy tell you that by having another baby, you're trying to replace your angel or you're going to forget your angel. This is NOT true. You have been given the blessing of life. Your miracle. Be VERY happy. This is what your angel would want you to do. Your sweet little angel knows just how much you love him/her.
Now, as you find your way down this road of pregnancy, here are some of the things that I am doing to cope with the emotional aspect of it. First, live in each day and try not to worry. I know this is hard because I even find myself doing it at times. But then I think... "WOW, look at me. I've made it to my 11th week of pregnancy and next week I'll be able to see the baby."
Each month that passes. Each week that passes. Each day that passes, Praise God for your blessing.Because you're making it! I can't promise you that you'll bring baby home or that your rainbow will be perfectly healthy. I can't promise you that your never going to experience a loss again. But what I can promise you is that God WILL be with you every step of the way. He will not allow you to walk this journey alone. Your fears... give them to HIM. Your anxieties... give them to HIM. He will take the burden of those while you enjoy your pregnancy.
During your pregnancy try to put out milestones to reach. As an example, I have a small celebration every day where I am still pregnant and everything is well. I celebrate at the end of each week. I keep a journal and notes to my angel to document my feelings so I'm not bottling them inside. Start a blog like I did. It helps.
Either way please know.... YOU'RE NOT ALONE! Our Lord will be with you every step of the way and so will the many other angel parents who have/are walking this journey.
9 months ago today my world changed forever. I went to the hospital in
labor thinking I would be bringing home our second daughter. Instead my
world was shoved into a blender and tossed about. I have learned so much
within the last 9 months and I believe each lesson was needed for me to
learn. I learned how to love fully and forgive easily. I learned who my
real friends were and gained some amazing new ones along the way. I
became closer to God and began living my life fully for
him. In return, the Lord showed me just how strong I am. I know for a
fact that with the Lord I can and will make it through anything.
With that said, today is not only a milestone for Dakota but for me as
well. This is the first angelversay of my daughter I never met. For in
the past, this day was rough. But today was much different. I found
myself being able to fully laugh and love, instead of cry while
screaming to the Heavens why. It's a bittersweet day for me.
love knowing that Dakota will NOT know what it's like to have her heart
broken or know what any pain is for that matter. She only knows love
and happiness. Her entire existence here on earth was filled with love
and when her time came... she was greeted with the angels and Jesus. How
could I want anything different for her? Every mother wants what is
best for their child. I am no different. My daughter was born into the
arms of Jesus!! You don't get any better than that!!!
month angelversary, Dakota. I can't wait to look into your eyes for the
first time and hear you speak for the first time. I do know that I'll be
seeing you soon. Until then, fly high and watch over Mommy, Daddy, and
I love you to the moon and back; forever and infinity!
I'm a little bit behind on this update. I had a check up appointment on Monday (Feb. 24th). It was an easy and quick visit. I got to hear our Lil Sweet Peas heartbeat, which was coming in around 160. Very strong so far and healthy sounding. I had a hard time forcing my tears back because this still feels like a dream to me.
The doctor briefly talked about what's ahead for us. Starting around 30 weeks I'll be going in weekly for Non-stress tests, as well as different types of ultrasounds. This also depends on how the pregnancy is going. There may be more or less depending on our little one.
She also mentioned not letting me carry this little one past 39 weeks. Once we see how I'm going to carry this little one and how things progress, they'll induce me around 38-39 weeks, unless I go into labor before hand.
I'm scheduled to go back in on March 6th for the first Ultrasound. Let me tell you.... this wait has to be one of the longest. Since I found out I am pregnant, this has been the only thing on my mind. At my first appointment, I got a glimpse of the little one but we know that one glimpse isn't enough.
After the ultrasound, there's blood work and then I won't see the doctor again until the end of March.
I'm praying everyday that the Lord allows us to keep this darling miracle. I can not tell you how much Lil Sweet Pea has done for me all ready. The last break down I had from the overly broken heart and pain was at the beginning of January. Yes, I still cry for Dakota and I miss her with every fiber of my being. However, I believe this little miracle was given to me to help mend my broken heart.
I find myself smiling more. I've managed to get somewhat back into my work. (For those who don't know I am a self published author.) I'm managing to be able to promote my work and very little at a time... work on my newest project I'm writing.
My husband and I have picked out names.
BOY--> BRYSON SCOTT
GIRL--> BROOKLYN FAITH
Everyday is a blessing and I tend to live my life the fullest I can. With that said, I pray for the person reading this. Thank you for following my journey and my support. You're amazing and I don't know what I would do without you. <3>3>
One of the joys of pregnancy is when we go in to our doctor and listen to the little miracle we carry and their heartbeat. Now, it's been made possible for Mommy's and Daddy's to do at home. I had one when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter but didn't think to buy one with our angel baby.
This time around is a MUST! I need to hear my lil sweet peas heartbeat A LOT. Since I can't feel the baby moving yet, I get really worried something may be wrong. It often brings me to tears. So, to remedy this.... I went to fetaldoppler.net and ordered a Doppler to hear our rainbow baby's heartbeat.
The first time I tried it, I couldn't find it. This had me a bit worried but I knew deep within that all was fine. I left it alone for the time being. The next day I pulled it out again. This time I didn't give up until I got to hear the heartbeat.
It was perfect! The Doppler couldn't register the heart rate because it sounded so far away. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant. I tried for a third time and it came in perfectly at around 150-160 beats per minute.
(If you're expecting and would like to know which Doppler I am using... here is the picture)
I do plan on taking my 8 week picture. Although I know I am a bit late on it. I'll be 9 weeks tomorrow. Praise GOD!!!!!
Here's the video of our Rainbow Baby's heartbeat.
(Sorry about the quality. Hubby's phone isn't that great!)
Well here I am to check in with the weekly progress of our Rainbow. To us, each day is a blessing. I praise our Lord for allowing me to carry this precious miracle every day. It's crazy how one huge event in your life and change your view on the entire outlook of life. Before I had Dakota and she gained her wings, I didn't appreciate the privilege it is to carry a child. I feel that when you're blessed with a tiny human, it's not something you're meant to do, but something you're allowed to do. God gives and he takes, but I can thank him enough for everything this journey has taught me.
I've become more passionate about life itself. I am less dramatic than what I was once before. At this point in my life, I go with the flow even if I don't like it.
So week 7 was brighter. I was able to stay out of bed for most of the day instead of laying around all day. I hate that. I had a cold there for a while which made it a little harder on me. My biggest things that I am dealing with now are fatigue, heartburn, and constant cravings. It's weird because I have been craving anything meat. I've really wanted steak lately the most. Why I find this weird is because my two girls had me craving pickles.
I've been allowing myself to begin celebrating. For the past few weeks I have been afraid to be happy. I felt like if I started to celebrate, something bad would happen. It seems like in the past every time I had something which made me super happy.... it was taken away from me. This time, however, is different because my faith in Christ is stronger and I look to him for everything.
Well, there's the update. I thank you for following along with me on this journey.