Come on in!

I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Closing Out 2013... Faith Based Resolutions....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!


What a year this has been!! 2013 was one full emotional roller coaster and I am so happy to kiss it goodbye. For the past few weeks, my emotions have been controlling my actions and thoughts. I've been so bitter, angry, and depressed. 

This really isn't who I am. I haven't been able to write or read, which I LOVE to do. I've tried everything to change my mood, but it just doesn't seem to work. I've tired to busy myself in cleaning, but that doesn't work either. I'm at the point where I really don't care what the house looks like. Right now, it's a total mess. Toys from Christmas are cluttering the living room floor, there's a basket of laundry that needs put away, a load of laundry that needs folded, and odds-n-ends laying about. I hate it, but I don't have the drive to fix this.

I honestly feel like I'm failing God by allowing this to happen. I want nothing more than to follow Jesus the best I can, but I feel that it's not good enough. I'm so lost.

I've tried to open up to those around me, but I don't think they can understand. 

I feel like I have strayed from God. As an example, I let anger get the best of me and I flipped out on two people who were only trying to help me. 

"OH LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! MY HEART IS BROKEN AND I'VE ALLOWED MY EMOTIONS TO CONTROL MY ACTIONS."

I believe a good bit has to do with last month not being successful with getting pregnant. I know that if another baby is in my future, I'll be blessed when the time is right, but it's so hard to have hope sometimes.

I've always been they type of person who has hope in the future when I know of what it is & when it will happen.

One thing I plan on doing is following my resolutions I've made for the New Year to the best of my ability. This way I have something to work on and look forward to. I'm sure the list (located to the left) will grow, but this is a start. I've never actually followed my lists, but I really want to try. Perhaps, if I focus on other's and be a blessing to someone else...then the pain I live in daily won't hurt so much. 

I think God has a lesson for me to learn before He blesses me with my Rainbow Baby! I think he may want me to learn how to have Faith when I don't know the future or what lies ahead. I've heard myself say so many times... "How can I have hope in something when I have no idea if it will happen?"

This is the thing... THAT'S NOT FAITH!!!

Faith isn't hoping God will. It's knowing he will!

I need to learn this and truly believe it. So, that's another goal. WORK ON MY FAITH! I will push all negative away. I will not accept the bitterness, anger, hurt, or pain anymore. I will control it. Not the other way around. I'm tired of being a hostage to myself. 

In closing, I pray for a joyous and happy filled new year for myself and for the person who is reading this. 

What is on your resolution list?


Sunday, December 29, 2013

2014 Resolutions & Goals

Each year I happen to make these lists. Most of the time I am like everyone else... I don't keep up with them. Well, I'll be posting my list here and then on the side of the blog as a reminder for the entire year.

I am praying for happiness, joy, and laughter for the 2014 New Year. This past year included too many tears and sadness.

So, here is my list:

1. Let go of what doesn't contribute to my own happiness. (This includes people who only caused heartache.)

2. Build my relationship with Christ. (This includes daily Bible study and going more to Him in prayer.)

3. Complete my Bible study on Angels.

4. BE ON TIME!! (I am never on time for anything. In 2012 when I got married, I was an hour late for the ceremony. Therefore, I am going to bust my rear end and be on time.)

5. Publish the two books I am in the process of writing.

6. Catch up on my review list of books for my book blog.

7. Spend less time on the internet and more time with my family. (My writing takes a lot of time, but I won't allow it to consume me this year.)


Last on my list... 

I have an old mason jar that I plan on using for the entire year. As the year goes by, anything that I would consider is a blessing... I'll write it down on a piece of paper and add it to the jar. This can include any goals I meet, surprise gifts, "LOL" moments, memories worth saving, etc. All good will be noted and put into the jar. This way at the end of 2014, I can pull out the notes and read at how the Lord blessed me during the year.

What is in your plans for 2014?

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas

Today has been an emotional day. I woke up feeling okay and watched my older daughter open her gifts. She was excited to see that there were a few things under the tree she had asked Santa for. Seeing the smile on her face was well worth the money spent. I ordered a special blanket from a friend for her to help her with coping with our loss. Before going to bed, she said that the butterflies reminded her of Dakota. Then, she hugged it. Nothing speaks volumes like her face when she opened it. I just love this picture.





After she was done opening her gifts, I went down hill. My husband fell asleep and my daughter was engrossed in her new toys, which left me alone and my mind to go crazy with the thoughts of Dakota.

I sat for the better half of the morning and early afternoon, crying. I didn't want to do anything or be around anyone. I tried to call several people, but of course they were busy with their own craziness, they couldn't talk.

I ended up back in bed and slept the early afternoon away. Once I was up from my nap, we visited Dakota and added more to her grave. Then we joined my family for some festivities.






So, I was planning on writing out our day... but perhaps I'll just show you....








We were surrounded by family. The support we received during Christmas was amazing and I am so happy to have been blessed with such a great support system. Once I was able to pull myself together and get to visit my family, my mood changed and I was able to enjoy myself.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

A Trip to See Santa

One of the things Emma has been asking for was to see Santa. She had a full list of toys she needed to tell him that she wanted. I had an idea for our Christmas pictures this year. It's hard to think of having to go a day without our dear Dakota, but we included her within our pictures as well.

The line at the mall to see Santa was crazy. As soon as we got into the mall, Emma and I jumped into line, while Greg went to check something out at one of the stores right by us. I was watching everyone around me and saw how innocent they all were. Each one of them were blessed with their children and laughed with them.

As I was watching the kids going up to Santa, I saw a mother with a huge smile place her beautifully dressed newborn upon his lap. This is when I broke. I wasn't prepared to see any little ones because it instantly reminded me of not having Dakota.

I broke into tears not caring who saw me. As I tried to look away, I noticed people staring and kids asking what was wrong. Emma decided to fill them in and then the looks of confusion turned into looks of compassion and sympathy. Greg returned and helped me gather myself back up.

A young couple standing behind us with their baby boy in his car seat and their little girl began talking with us. I couldn't help but to look at their son. Then, I asked how old he was without even thinking. They told me he was born in June and he was six months old. He's only a month younger than Dakota.

I mentioned this and they looked confused. Greg told them our daughter was stillborn. I was blown away by the fact that neither of them knew what that meant. So, Greg said she was born forever sleeping. Once again... they were confused. So, Greg had no other way to explain it except to say that our darling daughter had passed before birth.

That is when they got it and understood why a grown woman was standing in line holding a pure white teddy bear. The teddy bear stood in for Dakota. Once we were up to Santa, he tried to get Emma to leave the bear out of the photo. With as much willpower as I had, I told him No the teddy bear stays. That's when Greg jumped in and told them why we needed that bear in the photo.

Instantly, those standing around us came to help me because I burst into tears again. One mother helped position the teddy bear just right on Santa's lap. While the photographer cried with me. It was a bittersweet moment because just then, I realized that they cared. They didn't know me but showed their support in this heartbreaking time for me.

I will forever be grateful to the mother who stood in front of us and to the photographer for showing me it's okay to cry!!!

Monday, December 9, 2013

TTC Month One- Update

Well, it looks as if November wasn't our month. I got a bit excited this round because AF (Aunt Flo) decided to make her presence known today. For the past few months, she has been faithfully present every 26 days. It just seems as if she's back to a 28 day cycle. I didn't allow my hopes to be brought up, because I know we will conceive when it's on God's time and when it's right.

So, in the meantime.. I'll be having fun at least trying. :)

In other news, if you don't already know...I have written my story and journey with my daughter Dakota, along with her loss. I am an angel Mom, but what I can tell you is that life and the pain gets better. Does it totally disappear? No. I know the pain will NEVER completely disappear, but I refuse to sit around and drown myself in the sorrows. I want my daughter's memory to be honored. I want her life to be the reason why another person picks themselves up, and carries on with life. There is so much more than we realize here on earth. It's much more then in a physical form. It's also in a spirtial form too.

We as humans have a vast and complex mind, and we can endure so much more than we realize. So, if you're a mother who has had a loss recently and you're reading this... please take heed to my words. Even though it might now feel like the pain will never end and you will never be okay... stop right there. Pain only lasts as long as you allow it to. Well, the majority of it. We can take the pain and use it for good. As an example, I poured the pain into my book, Saying Goodbye Without Saying Hello and let me tell you...by the time I was done was done writing my story...I felt so much better. I decided I was no longer allowing the pain to control me, but I will control it. Dakota will be a treasured memory of mine and I am thankful for each moment the Lord allowed me to have with her. I wouldn't change it for the world.

So I leave you with this, freedom or pain? It's your choice. You can free yourself from the pain by directing the pain in a positive way. The outlet will be amazing in the end. Believe me... this isn't the end of you... it's only the beginning of you. Grasp it and take control. Your angel is a precious memory who will always be with you.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Thanksgiving in LeHighton

We made it safely last night to Greg's Moms. She welcomed us with open arms and lots of hugs. She was super excited that I had decided to go on this trip. There for a few weeks, I kept thinking I wasn't going to go because of the feeling of leaving Dakota behind. The trip out was fun. We decided to bring our friend Joe along, and Emma loved that idea. I was a bit worried about the weather since the weather channel was calling for a blizzard (*sarcasm*). We saw a dusting on our way there.

The first day (Thanksgiving Day) was more of a relaxing day. We sat around in the living room while watching Emma and Joe goof around. Then, Greg jumps in and the entire weekend was filled with laughter. Once we all sat down, Emma insisted we prayed (proud Mommy moment) and we enjoyed a delicious dinner.

The entire weekend, I kept seeing different things where I would like to believe it was Dakota telling me she's okay and was with me. Here are a video's from the trip:




Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Happy 6th Month Angelversary

I never thought I would have to plan part of our Holiday at a cemetery. I feel horrible because today is Dakota's 6 month angelversary and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My husband has planned a trip to his Mom's for this holiday. It hurts so bad to think that here in a few hours, I'll be packing up the car and leaving for the next few days.

My husband decided to have a small celebration with Dakota for Thanksgiving before we leave. We will add new decorations to her grave and then play her song, while we release the balloon he got for her.



Oh, how I wish I was packing a diaper bag, instead of packing these decorations into a shopping back to take to the cemetery! At moments like this, I often find myself asking why? I feel like I am leaving her behind and like I'll be forgetting about her. I have prayed many times within the past few weeks for the strength to get through this.

One we go to the cemetery to release the balloon, we will be heading off to LeHighton! I'm not thrilled about it and I can't help it. No matter what I try to do to cheer myself up... It doesn't happen.

*****

Later on...

We stopped by and decorated Dakota's grave. A few of my family members have assured me that they'll be stopping by tomorrow for Thanksgiving. My Mom even said she has something to add in to our decorations. My heart is heavy now. I cried the hardest today while standing beside Dakota's grave in a long time. I played the same song that was played during the funeral. As I watched the balloon go higher into the sky, the harder I cried. I just wanted to drop to my knees and stay with her. I never want to leave her. I want her back!


Thursday, November 14, 2013

Dads...How To Help During Loss?

I've noticed one thing since our Dakota lost her wings. Most of the time Daddy's are forgotten. I see all types of graphics for the Mom's, websites, and social media sites that reflect the situations for the mother. We must remember the Fathers too.

At times when you see a grieving father, you won't see that he is hurting. Men tend to bottle up their emotions and come off as being the strong, supportive one. In truth, his emotions on the inside are in just as bad of shape as Mommy.

So, here is my message to all the Daddy's of Angels: 

Remember there are people out there who reconize your hurt and your pain. Just because you didn't feel your angels movements or carry them inside of you, doesn't mean your pain is any less. Stand up and speak out. Be honest. In the time of grief, you don't need to hold it all together. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry. Don't be afraid to talk about your baby. The more you talk about them, the more your heart will heal.

While you are grieving, don't forget your wife and children. At times, you may feel the need to push the word away and go into your own place. When you do this, without realizing it, you're hurting your family. Talk to your wife. She needs to know that you hurt too. Let her know she's not alone and that you feel it too.

Protect your wife from those who may not be fit for her in this very emotional time. If you know a person who can potentially create more heartache for your wife, tell them to go. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy. This goes to the same with your grieving children. This will show them that no matter what, they have you to protect them. You will ensure the safety of their hearts.

The most important of all, don't run from God. Go to Him. He will protect and shelter your heart, while you are protecting your family. Don't allow the mixed feelings inside to let you question God's worth. He is there to help mend you and to help carry you through. Pray and do it often. Tell the Lord your needs and allow Him to fix them. Believe me, when the time is right... He will!!





Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Let Me Pray for YOU

The holidays are quickly approaching. You've probably already noticed stores putting out decorations and even playing holiday music. You probably see some of your friends who have put up their Christmas trees and are excited about the upcoming holidays. You may have noticed many people talking about holiday shopping. Social media and news outlets are jumping at the chance to share crafts for the upcoming holidays or deals that are quickly coming.

The excitement is already beginning.... for them.


As for me, it's not so much the same. I am not looking forward to the holidays. This year is quite different than normal. I am missing one that I love. I am grieving for one that I didn't get the chance to meet. I have a feeling that this is my new normal. I will always wish our Dakota was here to share these holidays and be part of our memories.

I know that I am not the only one who will be having a hard time coping with the holidays. 

Perhaps you're that person I am referring to. Or maybe it's a close family member. Maybe it's a dear friend of yours. 

Maybe the loss is because of cancer.
Perhaps it is because of stillbirth or miscarriage.
Or it could be from the loss of a job. 

The holiday season is hard and very emotional for many. 

No matter what your situation is....

CAN I PRAY FOR YOU?


If you would like me to pray for you, please leave a comment below with as little or as much as you would like about your situation. 

Then, tonight pick one person off of the list and pray for them too.

Just imagine what this world would be like if we all started to pray for each other? Wouldn't be amazing to see God's work everywhere this holiday season? 

I'll be sitting down at night in my quiet bedroom while I pray for each and every one of you who post below. God Bless and I pray that each person who doesn't comment will find it in their hearts to pray for someone who did comment. 




A Letter to my Butterfly

My Darling Dakota,

I hope this letter finds you doing well. I've been thinking of you a lot lately. My heart aches for you and my arms long to hold you. I know that in time those wants will be fulfilled. Our Lord knows what he is doing and I trust that he's keeping you up to date with how things are going for us.

I wanted to talk with you about a few things. First, I want to say thank you. You have done so much for me when you were here. I don't even think you realized. I know five months ago, I didn't realize it at all. It took me until just recently to feel the way I do. Yes, I miss you like crazy and I'll never stop missing you. However, it helps me to know that you're safely tucked in Jesus' arms while he gently passed a kiss to you from me.

You have made me a much stronger person than what I was. Dakota you helped me to not be afraid of death and of life. I was very much afraid about what was to come. Now, when I think of my future, I feel peace because you have taught me not to fear. You calmly left this earth and entered the gates of heaven. I never knew and I still don't know around the time that you slipped away. I would like to think that you took a nap, and didn't wake to my voice, but you woke to our Lords voice and his angel choir.  You opened your eyes for the first time outside of me to the beautiful face of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Dakota, honey, you brought me to God. So, thank you. I wasn't sure what this new life was going to be like when I found out that I had to say goodbye, but I can assure you... it's going to be grand. I know the Lord has my best at heart and he'll only ever do what's in my best interest.

Did you know honey, that your sister misses you dearly? She talks to you often. I pray you hear her and you help Jesus comfort her. She looked forward to having you here, but I know you're life mission was fulfilled even before you left the comfort of my womb. Please keep an eye on her. She's a very strong little girl who has shown me so much within the past few months. Both of you have.

I am doing better now but there are still times where I cry out for you. The heartache is just so much and I know it's okay. I'm only human and that's what we were created to do. I do hope you visit often.

Give Grandma Poole and Uncle Bob a kiss for me. Tell them I miss them dearly too. It must be great to get to meet them. You've met my grandmother before I did. What type of woman is she? I heard so many great stories from our family here about her. Hug her from me and I surely hope I am making her one proud Grandma.

Take Care Baby Girl. I love you so so so much.
Until next time,

Love
Mommy 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Update for Month One on TTC

If you haven't been following my story, I'll give you a small update. In May of this year, my husband, family, and I lost the newest member of our family... Dakota Emily. My doctor requested that I wait around six months before we tried again or at least three cycles. Well, the three cycles sounded better to me and I hopped at the chance to see my doctor just two weeks after cycle number three.

So, for the month of November, we began trying. I downloaded a menstrual cycle app so I could keep tabs on my ovulation. I began taking prenatal pills to ensure that I have all the nutrients needed to get pregnant. I have cut back on the "bad" things in my life that contribute to making one get pregnant hard. (Soda, sugars, etc.)

I have my hope and faith in the Lord, and I know that when the time is right, he will provide. I'm trying to look at the positive with this new waiting game that I'm going to become very accustomed to. It's a little scary for me because from the support groups I am part of, some woman are having a hard time getting those special lines on that very important test.

I'm praying to God that things aren't hard for us and we become pregnant quickly. My husband and I already have names picked out for our Rainbow baby. (For those who don't know, a rainbow baby is the baby after a loss.)

My husband and I began trying at the beginning of this month. I knew the odds of us getting pregnant were slim because I had already ovulated. Therefore, my monthly visitor came yesterday. But I'm not feeling down about it. I feel hope because I know there's next time. It could happen.

~Until then.... take care and please keep us in your prayers~




Alone... nah.. I've got Jesus

Do you see the Angel? (c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda
Over the past five months, one thing has tried to settle into me, but hasn't. Therefore, it seems like it's invisibly floating around waiting for the perfect moment. Loneliness. There's been many people to come and go within my life since May. I'm beyond grateful for those who have come and stayed. But overall, I am thankful for the ones who have come into my life for the brief moments that they did.

Every so often I begin to feel betrayed and alone. The feelings sneak up on me quickly and from out of no where. I feel anger and hatred. Yet, I swiftly push them away. I know this is the enemy trying to work his way in, like he's been trying to do since Dakota gained her wings.

I quickly push him away and cry out to our Lord. I will not let him overtake me. I am a child of God and I have the Faith that he's always with me. I may feel like I am alone on this earth, but I am not.

At times I feel like no one will ever understand what I am going through, but I am wrong. God knows. He lost his son to, only to gain him in his spirit form. The Lord knows my pain all too well. Therefore, I am not alone.

When people say they will always be there, and then they're no where to be found when needed. I remind myself, call upon Christ. He's always willing to listen.

When I call upon that friend and I hear reason after reason for their absence, I remember that the Lord will NEVER give me a reason why he wasn't there for me, because he will never leave me. All I have to do is call upon him.

Without God, I am nothing. But with God, I can be everything He wants me to be. So, I want to dedicate this blog post to Our Lord Jesus Christ and thank Him for not turning his back on me. Thank you Lord Jesus for being with me in my darkest of days and holding me while I weep. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through every day. You're an amazing Father!!!!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

A Blessing To Learn...

Time as went by quickly since my family and I had to endure the pain and heartbreak from our unexpected loss of Dakota. We are slowly approaching the sixth month mark, which will be on November 27th. The day before Thanksgiving.

In the past five months, I believe that I have come a good bit a ways since Dakota's passing. At first, I hated to think about it. I didn't want to face it. It was unfair. Why did it have to happen to my baby? What did I do to deserve this? What did Emma do to deserve the loss or what about my husband? These are all questions, where at first I asked.

Over time I have gotten the answer to all of these questions and then some. If you would have asked me five months ago, how loosing my daughter made me feel, I would of come off with I don't know. Every day I would feel something different, whether it be anger, sadness, hostility, or happiness.

I would tell you that I didn't think it was fair that our baby girl had been chosen for a special something for Christ. I would tell you that I didn't believe Jesus would allow me to carry a baby for so long and just yank her away from me in a moments notice.

Of course, as time went on and I allowed myself more time with the Lord, I came to see things differently. I wasn't being punished. I wasn't being forced to go through all of this pain because I wasn't doing it right. Everything I went through with Dakota was a blessing. I was blessed when I became pregnant with her.

Each milestone within the pregnancy was a blessing. Hearing her first heartbeat was a blessing. When we saw her for the first time wiggling around in my womb, was a blessing. We as humans tend to forget that everything in life is a privileged, not something we are entitled to. I came to thank the Lord for blessing me with those tiny kicks, when I could have had none. I thank him for allowing me to hear her heartbeat and to see her on the ultrasound. Those were blessings.

Then, he allowed me to know what sex I was having, a beautiful baby girl. I could have not went as far as I did in the pregnancy. I could have had an early miscarriage and still wonder to this day if she was a boy or a girl. The Lord blessed me enough to give birth. Why? Because it's a privilege., not a right!

I was able to hold my baby girl and kiss her, even though I wasn't able to hear her first cry or see what color her beautiful eyes were. I wasn't privileged to know this. This was something that was only for the Lord to know. If I were blessed with seeing her eyes or hearing her cry, the Lord knew that I wouldn't be able to handle was would have come after.

He didn't allow me to bond with her. You see, the Lord knows what is best for us. He knows what we can handle and what we can't. He knew I wouldn't have been able to see my precious baby girls eyes and hear her cry, then say Good bye. I wasn't strong enough. I agree. I don't think I could have done it.

So I thank the Lord everyday for what He gave me as a privilege to see and come to know. I thank Him for saving me the heartache that would have been caused if He didn't take Dakota when he did. You see everything you go through, it's a blessing.

The blessing isn't about not knowing, it's about knowing and then recognizing the blessing. Once one realizes their blessings, it's up to them on how they handle it. I choose to shout the Lords word and his actions that I have seen, so others can see it too.


You don't have to have had a loss to realize that everything we go through is by the choice of the Lord. It's up to us on how we react. Are we going to use our stories to help others see their blessings? I know I am. So, take a look around you... everything you're stressed about... is a privilege because one day, you'll be able to say... "It will all be okay."

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Appreciating the Nurses

I'm beyond thrilled. If you've read my book about my journey with Dakota, you will know a bit about what I am talking about. While being pregnant with Dakota, I decided to go to West Virginia University Hospitals and see the OB/GYN doctor there. I was familiar with the way they worked things within a pregnancy and was comfortable with them, due to the fact that they had also helped bring my oldest daughter, Emma into the world.

Everything went great with Emma, so why not go back? So, I did. We all know the outcome of what happened, but what I'd like to express is my sincere gratitude for all those who were on the clock the night Miss Dakota gained her wings.

From the moment of those dreaded words and up until today, they have been amazing. First, they showed the utmost respect for me and my family during our tragic time. They kept me in what I needed and there was no need to ask. They constantly checked in but didn't hover. They bathed Dakota and dressed her in a beautiful little dress.

As I was watching the nurses face while she was taking our family photo's with Dakota, she could hardly contain her tears. For she was mourning our loss too. While seeing her tears, this showed me that my pain was real and my daughter mattered.

I want to do a shout out to the head nurse who called me this past week. She got word that I was upset that my daughter didn't get a hospital bracelet. Well, she got all of Dakota's measurements off of me because she's planning on making one for her. This means so much to me. I am beyond words in expressing how much this woman did for me. For the past five months, I wondered why Dakota didn't get one. But now that's about to change. Miss Dakota will have one coming in the mail soon. I'm super excited.

So.....

Thank you to the Nurses and Doctor who was on the clock the early morning of May 27, 2013. You're absolutely wonderful and I am blessed with the fact that I had you there. The sympathy you have shown, shows me that people who haven't went through a loss are still affected by the loss, even if they don't know the person personally.




Friday, November 8, 2013

Excelling in the midst of her storm....

I am so proud of my daughter, Emma. This past week, she brought home her first report card. She's carrying high A's and her reading is great. She's a little book worm just like her mommy. I'm super impressed with her grades. This little girl has been through so much within the past five months, and for her to bring home this report card is amazing. 

The heartbreak of her sister's passing didn't stop her from excelling in her studies. If anything, she became more determined to make those good grades. I am one proud Momma. I know one day the Lord will bless her in a way she wont even realize it. I have faith that he has something in store for all of us. 

Another thing that had blown me away was the fact that she's been asking me for books for Christmas. She doesn't want anything else. Therefore, I think "Santa" may be bringing her a loaded Kindle for Christmas. 

What do you think of her grades?




Saturday, November 2, 2013

Not High Risk.... Are you crazy?!?!?

Pre-Pregnancy Photo
The outcome of the Pre-Pregnancy appointment didn't pan out the way I had hoped. First off, the doctor didn't do any tests or any type of exams. So, I don't see how he could tell me if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

But, he did say to go ahead and begin trying. We went over a future pregnancy plan that included me NOT being High Risk. O.o This doesn't make sense to me. I went full term with Dakota when she was stillborn. She gained her wings only hours before I delivered her. To me, I should be high risk.

He wants me to begin taking my prenatal vitamins. Which I already expected this. That's cool with me. Other than that, he didn't say much more.

When I do get pregnant, I won't be seeing him because he's having some health issues that require his attention. Therefore, he won't be practicing. So, in the meantime I am going to get a second opinion.

I'll still physically prepare for a pregnancy now. But I want a doctor who is going to be serious and believe me when I say I need something. I want the doctor to have the willpower to ensure that we do everything physically possible to bring our Rainbow Baby into the world...ALIVE!!!

I've talked to other angel parents and have been told that each pregnancy after their angel was considered high risk. So, I wont settle with a doctor who doesn't think my situation is serious. I want as many ultrasounds as possible throughout the future pregnancy. Especially as my due date closes in. I also don't want to come even close to being overdue. Dakota was a week over due. Therefore, I'd like the doctor to possibly induce me around 38-39 weeks providing the baby is healthy enough to be delivered then.

Angel Mommies... what was your Rainbow pregnancy like? Did the doctors do anything extra within that pregnancy compared to before your angel gained his/her wings? I need any and all advice I can get on this one.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Our Journey Begins.... Again

Well, I am super nervous because today's the day I go back into the OB/GYN's office. This is the same office that I had previously gone to when I was pregnant with Dakota. I'll be seeing the same doctor today. I'm having mixed feelings about this. I know deep inside that Dakota's gaining of her wings was not the doctors fault. It wasn't any one's fault. Her journey and her story was written short. I may not like it and I don't have to like it. But that's how it is. I can't change it.

What I can change is how I feel with the upcoming appointment. I am scared that the doctor will tell me some dreadful news and we won't be able to try again. I NEED a baby. The reason we were able to get pregnant with Dakota, was because we wanted her. We wanted another baby. During the pregnancy with Dakota, I was ecstatic. There wasn't a thing in the world that would bring me down, except when my daughter gained her lovely angel wings.

Am I afraid to try again? HECK YES!!! Every fiber of my being shakes from nervousness and my heart races at the thought. I'm sure after everything that I have been through, that this is normal. Am I afraid it's going to happen again? A little bit, but I know Jesus has my back. He won't put anything on my shoulders that I can't do. Besides, he's with me with this walk.

I'll be back later to check in and update everyone on how my appointment went. Please say a quick prayer for me. I could use them. :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Candle Light Wave- Stillborn Awareness Day

Candle Light Wave
October 15, 2013

This goes for all in every time zone. If everyone would like a candle at 7 pm and let it burn for an hour... there will be a never ending wave of candle light during the entire day. Please join in and share your candle via photo to these events





Here are a few photo's my Husband and I took in memory of our Daughter.... Dakota Emily Buda. 

**All photo's within this post are copy protected. 
Please do not save or distribute them in any way**






Monday, October 14, 2013

Grabbing A Hold Of H.O.P.E.

Hold On Pain Ends
(HOPE)

This post is dedicated to all those who have lost their lives too soon.

Never to suffer would never to have been blessed.
~Edgar Allan Poe

Myths about Grief and Mourning

#1 Grief is Mourning
Truth: People sometimes confuse the two but there is a difference. Grief is the experience of internal thoughts and feelings about the loss of our child while mourning is taking that internal experience of grief and finding ways to express it outwardly and share it with others.

#2 There are Stages to Grief
Truth: Grief is not predictable and it is not orderly. Grief is messy yet beautiful all at the same time because it is an indication of love lost. Grief cannot not be categorized into stages, as each person’s grief experience is uniquely their own.

#3 You Should Move Away from Grief Instead of Towards It
Truth: In our society we are taught to avoid pain and grief is a form of pain. We are often encouraged to push grief away and hide from it and all of the sorrow it brings. When really one needs to experience grief, not repress it, in order to heal.

#4 One Should Get Over Their Grief
Truth: There is no time limit on grief. We all mourn at our own pace and in our own time. I believe that grief never leaves us completely. I do think one can heal, but I don’t believe one will ever be the same as they were before the loss of a child. We learn to integrate our loss into our lives and create a “new normal” again in a world without our child, but we will never “get over” the loss of not being able to hold them in our arms again.

#5 Having Tears of Grief Makes Me Weak
Truth: Unfortunately, in our society we have come to think that tears of grief are a sign of weakness. When in reality, nothing could be farther from the truth. Tears are nature’s way of releasing inner tension and complex emotions. Tears of grief should be re-framed as a brave act of love. Crying from grief of the loss of a child is not a weakness; it’s a sign that one is mourning a great injury of the heart.

#6 Pregnancy Loss & Infertility is a Lesser Grief
Truth: Pregnancy loss at any stage and infertility is a loss of the dreams and hopes one has been planning for their future children. As someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, I want people to know that a pregnancy didn’t just end, my child died. And yes, I believe infertility must be a grief ridden experience, but I can’t speak from experience. In no way is pregnancy loss or infertility a lesser grief. It’s just different, as all grief is different because it’s a deep and personal experience unique to the individual.

#7 Don’t Talk or Ask a Friend about Their Deceased Child Because It Brings Up Too Much Pain
Truth: In most cases, from my experience, you won’t hurt a grieving parent’s feelings when mentioning the name of their child. Speaking as a bereaved parent, my grief is with me every day. I haven’t forgotten the pain that comes with living each day without my daughter. Actually, I often feel a sense of relief when someone remembers my child as it validates my love and loss. Talking about my daughter makes me happy. So, I challenge you to gently ask about a bereaved parent’s child. You might just brighten their day.

#1-5 of the article is drawn from Alan Wolfelt’s work: Dispelling 5 Common Myths about Grief  www.centerforloss.com


At 7PM tomorrow, please light a candle in memory of those who have pass on too soon. Then share your photo here.... https://www.facebook.com/events/527032267374690/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

Friday, October 11, 2013

One Step Closer....

As I am writing this post, I have a tear rolling down my cheek. I am hurting. I had no choice but to do something I wasn't truly ready for. I did it for my oldest daughter, who needed it done. She was going to share her room with our precious Dakota, therefore the nursery side of the bedroom was still together. It looked the same way it did when my husband and I put it together.

Emma came to me and said.. "Mommy, you know all the baby stuff in my room? Could you do something with it? It hurts to see it while falling asleep and that's why I don't play in there anymore. It reminds me that Sissy is in heaven and not here."

This broke my heart. "Of course" I told her with the best smile I could muster. I gathered my cleaning stuff and extra garbage bags. Then, headed upstairs. I cried the entire time. Each shirt I put into a bag, each bib, every blanket.... a tear fell for each.

As of today, the nursery doesn't exist. It's gone. My daughter has her space back. Everything but the crib is going into storage until we need it again.






The "Nursery" Side.... GONE!!!


I just want to scream! I am in so much pain. I never imagined when I put the crib bedding in... that a baby wouldn't sleep on it... Dakota wouldn't use it! 

Lord, I pray... take away this unbearable pain. - Amen!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged."


You see that woman standing there?
You see the one right in front of you?
She has untidy hair and overly big clothing.
She looks to be an overall mess.
You hear her laugh and see her smile.
If you look into her eyes, you'd see that her smile isn't sincere!
Her eyes hold a bit of sadness, but did you notice?
Or are you still stuck on the way she looks?
Are you thinking she'd be pretty, if only she took care of herself?
Now STOP with the mind judgning because...
If you knew this woman's story....
If you walked her walk in life....
You'd feel the same way too.
You don't realize that as a child, she was molested. 
You don't realize that as a teen, she was bullied.
You don't realize her overly big clothes are for several reasons.
You wouldn't know it by looking at her, but she's mourning her child she just lost. 
You know the one she carried for nine months in her womb.... the baby that was taken..... too soon.  

She carries on with the life she was given 
but it doesn't mean she's not hurting.

The messy unkempt hair is the last of her worries.
The overly big clothes hide whats left of her baby bump, as she tries to hide the constant reminder of what isn't there.

Then, she walks away from you. 
After she's out of sight, you turn to your friend for a laugh at the woman's expense, not knowing this woman is broken in two.

Change NOW!
STOP the judgements.
Remember everyone doesn't live like you.
We all have our own path.
Be kind with your heart.
Be kind with your mind.

For GOD is the ONLY on who can judge ME!

-- By RaeBeth McGee-Buda



Matthew 7: 1 “Judge not, that you be not judged."


*****

Other Bible Verses on Judging Others

Matthew 7:1-5 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Luke 6:37 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

John 7:24 

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”

James 4:11-12 

Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

James 4:12 

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Romans 2:1-3 

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God?

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Matthew 7:5 

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:1-2 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

John 8:7 

And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

Matthew 7:1 

“Judge not, that you be not judged.

Luke 6:31

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Matthew 7:1-29 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. ...

Matthew 6:14-15 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Proverbs 31:9

Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Titus 3:2-7 

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, ...

Luke 6:37-42 

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” He also told them a parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ...

Galatians 5:14 

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Isaiah 11:3 

And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear,

Matthew 12:36-37 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Matthew 7:12 

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

(Guest Post) Stillbirth Matters





October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Many of us are participating in events or remembering our children in our own special ways.  These events are heartwarming and an opportunity to support each other.  This year, I’ve been wondering if they are more than that.

I used to think that government proclamations were a simple gesture to recognize the struggles faced by our society.  I didn’t ever see a personal connection to it.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know people with breast cancer, autism, or any other cause.  I just didn’t stop to think about if I could or should do something about it.

When I look at the title National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, the word AWARENESS jumps out at me.  What is awareness?  What does it look like?  Is it a simple acknowledgment?  Is it a full-blown public media campaign?  Is it something in between?  Is it even necessary?

I’m not sure I completely understood the value of awareness until recently.  But awareness is one of the most powerful tools we have.  It can educate the public and health professionals; encourage financial support of research or care programs; inspire advocacy; break down stereotypes, myths, or taboos;  honor the memory of loved and missed babies; and provide encouragement for families on a grief journey.  Obviously, there is much that needs to be done and awareness could be a key to all of these things and more!

You may be thinking, “I don’t have the time/resources/talents/ability to make a difference.”  I know I have thought this before.  At times, the issues can be overwhelming.  This is one of the most important reasons why we all need to work together and create that awareness.  The issue is too big for any one person or even one organization to ‘fix’ alone.  Working together, however, we can make a significant difference!  Your contribution can be anything you want it to be.  The important thing is that it comes from the heart and is done to create awareness for these babies and their families.
For example, you could:
The possibilities are endless, but the important part is that awareness can be big or small, loud or quiet, expensive or free, aimed toward society or an individual, organized or impromptu.  Some of the most impressive works of the last two centuries have started in small ways or small locations.  Don’t underestimate the ripple effect of your actions!

How will you be creating awareness this month?  Feel free to share your ideas with us – or ask for help if needed.  But make this month different by creating awareness in your own way.  Together, all of these efforts will come together for true National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Daddy of Two Angels In Heaven #StillbornAwareness #rememberance

Most know me as Buda or Greg. I am a Marine. I am a Husband. I work hard and life for me is difficult. I am a daddy to a little girl who lights up my life, but I'm also a daddy to two angels in heaven.

I write this post for my son, Cougar Lee and my daughter Dakota Emily. 

As a father who lost a daughter due to stillbirth in May 2013, I am here to tell my side of the story. It is a long healing road and everywhere I turn its angel mom this or angel mom that. People don’t realize that the loss affects the fathers just as much as the mothers. People automatically think those other than the mother don't feel the loss as deeply as the mother, because Daddy's don't feel the baby's every move. We don't feel their hiccups. We don't feel the aches and pains with pregnancy.

I am here to tell you. WE DO! The loss hurts just the same. Here's my story:

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. Do I tell you of the yearning I have on a daily basis for my little angel? Do I jump right into our loss? Would a bit of background add to my story? This I don't know. So, I guess I'll start from the beginning of Dakota's Life.

We suspected it before she took the test but didn’t say anything. We thought it could have been a late month, because of stress of our wedding and me starting a new job. I don’t think that I had any kind of special reaction.

As any daddy, I was excited but it was kind of an “awesome, I’m a daddy again” type of reaction. While I watched my wife's body change from our growing daughter, the anticipation grew. I couldn't wait to feel Dakota kicking and moving, which is what I wanted to see the most. I loved playing with Emma and I was the only one able to get her from under Beth’s ribs. I was hoping for more of the same with Dakota.

When my wife told me she thought she was in labor, I was ecstatic. She had spent the weekend with her Mom while I stayed home for work. I was so excited during my drive to the hospital and couldn’t wait to get there to meet Dakota. The ride was probably the longest trip I ever made to the hospital. It felt like an eternity before I pulled into the parking lot, and met my beautiful wife at the doors of the emergency room.

After my wife was checked in, I watched her proudly as she conquered each contraction, which I could only imagine what they felt like. Looking at her eyes and the way she reacted to each contraction, makes me think they aren't fun. We were forced to wait for someone from Labor and Delivery to make their way down from the sixth floor to transport my wife to a triage room. I was impatient. It felt like the doctors were taking forever to come get her, even though the wait was a short amount of time. I was antsy, while sitting there fidgeting and watching my wife.

I was amazed with my wife and her pain tolerance. She focused on each contraction and went through them like a pro. As I watched her work with her body to bring Dakota into the world, I saw just how truly amazing she is. She didn't complain about the pain. She toughed her way through it.

By the time we made it to the triage room, the contractions were coming at full force and I watched my wife bend over the bed in pain. As her husband, I reassured her that she was doing great and everything was okay. She changed into the hospital gown, and I helped her onto the bed. Shortly after, the nurse came in.

Everything I knew became turned upside down and all around. This is where my life forever changed. Where the heartbreak I feel, will never go away, but I'll learn to cope with the pain. The doctor's couldn't find Dakota's heartbeat.  After a few minutes I literally slid down the wall because my leg's could no longer hold me up. My breath was taken away from me and a knot formed in my throat, as I realized what was going on.

In a way I knew she was gone. It was just the confirmation from the doctors, which brought it to reality for me. I felt angry and heartbroken. It took everything  I had not to keep myself together. I couldn't break down. Not while I was hearing the horrible screams coming from my wife. If there was a time to show how strong I was, this was the time. My wife needed my strength. I couldn't lose it for her. I had to keep my head and help her through this.

As I listened to the heartbreaking cries of my wife, I felt sorrow, sadness, and pity for her. I felt bad because this life that she felt for the last nine months had been taken away from us in a moments notice. So many thoughts rushed into my mind, I needed to take a step away. I went into the hallway to call my Mom and break down.


I couldn't let myself fall apart in front of my wife, so I cried into the phone to my mother, who lived six hours away from us. I couldn’t believe it was happening to us. The two people that have been through every rough time you can imagine and made it out, now had to deal with the death of our precious daughter. I prayed to God many times that night, wishing the doctors were wrong and Dakota would come out fine.

I felt so much heartache for my wife and wondered how long it would be before I had to bury her too, from depression over our loss.  The labor and birth was hard. I was at my wife’s side the entire time and no one could have made me move, except God himself. I barely got a glance of my precious daughter, as she was whisked away from us. I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke from the heartache. The void in my heart was overbearing as part of my heart died. I realized from this point on, life would never be the same. 

So many feelings were going through my body that I had no idea if I was coming or going. My head wasn’t straight and I couldn't handle the idea of preparing the funeral arrangements before we could leave the hospital. My wife looked at me with her red, puffy, and swollen eyes, which were filled with so much hurt and pain, as she asked me to do it. She told me it was too much.

I pulled myself together. I had to do this. If not for me, for her. When she says she can't handle something, there's no doubt in my mind that it isn't true. My wife is a strong willed woman who will tackle any task that is placed before her, and come out shinning. Her weak, shaky voice told me at this moment, that woman was gone. For the next week, my life revolved around planning the funeral, which NO parent should have to do. I would never wish this on any enemy or even any person in the world.

As a way to cope with my loss, I make myself stay busy as much as possible.  Whether it be with my car, bike, or video games, I try to bury myself in busyness. When I see pictures of Emma’s face around Dakota’s grave, or see the sadness on her face in pictures even though she is smiling, I break down. I hate being a daddy with a broke little girl who I cannot fix. It breaks my heart that she has to endure this type of pain at such a young age.

The walk as a Daddy to two angels, the pain never leaves. It's always there ready to sneak up on me when I'm alone for a breakdown. I try to hide my tears from my wife and daughter because they need me to be strong. I am the man of the house and I'm supposed to be strong. Although I may not show it, Dakota's loss has changed me and my family.

My wife has a sadness in her eyes that has been lingering for the past four months, and I watch daily as she breaks down while crying out in blame. She feels she failed me as my wife, but she is very much wrong. As I watch her write out her story to tell the word and I see the pain it causes her, I begin to admire her for her strength, which behind closed doors, I lack. As I hear my daughter say how proud she is to be a sister to an angel, my heart breaks because as she says this, a tear slips down her cheek.

This isn't how life is supposed to be. I'm supposed to be taking care of my family, but when it comes to our loss and the brokenness within it, I can't fix it and it breaks me up on the inside. I feel like I'm failing them. A part of me says that it's the grief that makes me feel this way, but who really knows.

For me, it's hard to discuss what happened to Dakota with anyone.  I don't like to so I am even surprised that I decided to do this post. But, as a father to an angel, I know one thing which not only gets to my wife but also it upsets me...People always recommend we see a professional to help us through our grief. Most of the time it's the ignorant individuals who haven't been where I am. They haven't walked this path, but I understand. Saying "Go see a grief counselor" is the easiest answer, but some need to remember they aren't for everyone.

So the next time you see a parent of an angel, don't try to tell them what they need to do. It usually just ticks us off. Only those who know what their feeling and how well they are coping can decide whether or not they need a doctor.

So in closing, when you create awareness for Pregnancy and Infant Loss, remember the Daddy too.

That's all for now. I'll be back again to share my thoughts for you to read. Until then, keep spreading the awareness for all the angels who have gained their wings, as well as the families who have to walk this lonely path.


Friday, October 4, 2013

Remember Dakota with Songs

Here is my playlist that I listen to when I miss my baby girl. 

 
Glory Baby by Watermark



Gone too Soon by Daughtry

Who You'd Be Today- Kenny Chesney 

Dancing in the Sky by Lizzy 



What songs do you listen to while you're remembering a loved one?