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I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Pregnancy Update- Not so Great: Week 33

On Monday July 28th I went into the doctor for my bi-weekly check up. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and then had an appointment directly after with my high risk doctor. When going in I was super stressed because I thought something was off. During the week leading up to the appointment, I was sure I was very slowly leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't run into the doctor right away because some of the things that was going on didn't match to the symptoms of leaking the fluid. 

As soon as the ultrasound tech took us back, I asked her to double check two things. The first is the sex of the baby due to the fact that I've been having dreams that we were actually having a girl. The second was the amniotic fluid to ease my concerns. Once I got comfy and she was ready, it was confirmed that we are most definitely having a little boy. It eases my concerns because I'm in the process of donating what's left of our angel baby's stuff to our church. I wanted to be sure I wouldn't need these items in the very near future. 

The second concern seemed to pan out well too. She did the measurements of the fluid and said that it was most definitely not low. Therefore, I was not leaking any fluids. After she checked these, she did the normal measurements of Jaxson's arms, legs, belly, and head. We watched him practice breath for a little bit. He wiggled around and put on a show for us. I totally enjoyed the show. 

Here are a few pictures we got from this past visit:

Hanging out and relaxing during the check.

We must have been boring. 

He stuck his tongue out at us.

He decided it was nap time.

After we got the prints from the scan, we went back out to the waiting room to wait on the doctor. I was in my glory. Up to this point within my pregnancy, I have been very blessed to have a healthy baby who's growing on track and no complications. While waiting I did what most expectant mom's do...I stared at my son's pictures with a goofy smile on my face while falling even more in love with him. 

I was called back shortly after getting comfy. This part of the appointment add a bit more reassurance for me but the ultrasounds take any anxiety away. Well, for that moment. I had my weight checked and blood pressure checked. Those were right on track. Then, the doctor came in. 

My entire world changed once again. The ease and peace of mind slowly went out the window as the doctor continued to talk. The more words she said, the closer to tears I went. I had been diagnosed with a rare condition that affects every 1 out of 100 women. That's a 1% chance of developing it. She said I have Polyhydramnios. After this, I sort of zoned out with panic and heard bits and pieces. I knew she was sending me to the lab for blood work. Then, I heard her say higher risk of another stillbirth. That was it.... I completely checked out. I no longer wanted to be there. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. 

Polyhydramnios basically means there is too much amniotic fluid in there with my baby. They went from seeing me every two weeks to twice a week. I'm on bed rest and not allowed to do anything that can cause contractions. We are praying for him to stay put until at least 37 weeks. I'm at risk for preterm labor. If the amniotic fluid goes up they are going to have to do an amniocentesis test. If the fluid goes to low they are going to have to do an emergency c section. 

After my appointment and we were on our way to the lab, I reached out to others for support and prayers. I was in shock. My rainbow baby wasn't in the total clear. Something was wrong and I couldn't fix it. I was scared and still am. I called my close family members and explained what was going on. After the lab got the blood drawn, I headed to the best place I could have been..... church. I needed the support of the Lord and my church family. 

At prayer meeting, the ladies prayed that the situation be fixed and no more complications come about. At the end of the meeting, my hope and faith had been restored. I felt calm and at ease once again. Deep down inside I still have the worry but I'm only human. In my heart, I know Jesus has this! 

So, there's the update. I go back into the doctors tomorrow morning to meet with the high risk doctor and to check in on Jaxson's vitals with a Non Stress Test. Please pray that this goes well and baby Jaxson is doing the best he can. 

Thanks everyone for your support! I truly appreciate it. Sincerely, 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Baby Jaxson- Week 31 Update

I had another appointment yesterday to check in on baby Jaxson. I was really worried about him due to all the stress I have recently been going through. He had been active for several days in a row and then his activity seemed to drop. 

As I was telling the nurse this, she suggested us to hook me up to the Non Stress Test machine for a little while to be sure the baby was doing fine.

I wasn't sure how to feel about this since I haven't gone through this part yet. The doctors have talked to us about it and have tested the baby during ultrasounds, however I wasn't put in the Non Stress test room. That ended as of yesterday. 

For those of you who haven't went through a non stress test, it's rather simple. You relax in the chair with your feet up. They have two monitors strapped to your belly. One is to measure any contractions you may have during the test and the other measures the baby's heart rate. Then, they give you a button to push when you feel baby move. It's that easy. 

The test lasted for about a half an hour. I enjoyed listening and feeling Jaxson moving. However, I do not think he likes the straps on my belly. He tried to kick them off the entire time. This was the most movement I had felt the entire 24 hours that I noticed the decrease in his movements. It was so relieving and I had to fight back tears. The relief that washed over me made me hopeful once again. 

My blood pressure and weight were good. This time when I saw the high risk doctor, the visit didn't last very long. It seemed as if she was in a rush compared to the male doctor I usually see. I had questions that I didn't quite remember to ask, so now I'll have to wait until my next appointment. Well, that unless these questions needs answers as soon as possible. 

One thing I have trouble with now that I didn't have in the beginning is restless leg syndrome. This crap drives me nuts at night because it's soooo hard to sleep. As I just fall asleep, I get the sudden urge to move my legs. At times it either feels like pins and needles or a crawling feeling all over my feet and legs. As you can guess, with the lack of sleep, I'm constantly tired. This makes for a long day the next day if I need to wake up early or I end up sleeping until eleven in the morning. (Which I hate!)

Well this is the update for this round. I go back again on July 28th. They also have me scheduled for an ultrasound to check in on Jaxson. So, I'm pretty excited to see him again. I pray the ultrasounds keep coming because they are what keep me hopeful and sane! 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Baby Jaxson Progress

I thought it would be cool to see how much my baby belly has changed since December.... take a look...

7 weeks pregnant

 17 weeks

18 weeks

24 weeks

 25 weeks

More recent photo's to come.... 
So, what do you think? 

Monday, July 7, 2014

Pregnancy without Fear.....

....not for this Momma!!

As of today I am 30 weeks into my pregnancy with our rainbow, Jaxson. Before the loss of our daughter Dakota, pregnancy was a time of hope, joy, and happiness. I enjoyed everything about it. I was excited to see that I was one of the few who actually LOVED being pregnant and everyone could see that with the way I held myself during the pregnancy. 

I never expected that my second pregnancy would end so tragically. I had hopes and dreams for Dakota, which was quickly taken away from me. Now I am given another blessing of pregnancy with a boy. At first I couldn't come to terms with the fact that we were blessed with a boy instead of a little girl. Deep down inside I wanted another daughter. I wanted the dreams that I had for Dakota to be passed on to our next daughter. However, that isn't going to happen because we are having a boy. It took me several weeks to come to terms with the fact that we were having a boy. 

For most of this pregnancy, I have found it really hard to bond with Jaxson. I'm honestly afraid to. I feel that if I fall in love and begin to get excited, he too will be taken away from me. My husband and Sunshine felt the same way too. We were all suffering very differently, however, I could not control my emotions and was constantly in fear. My husband handled it his way and our Sunshine was handling it in her way. 

I find myself wondering if I will be bringing a baby home this round in my arms or in my heart. I am part of several pregnancy after loss groups on Facebook and I have seen other angel mom's comment with "If I can just make it past X weeks, then I'll be fine." But what happens when everything is perfect during the ENTIRE pregnancy and labor comes on, then you find out your little one has passed into the arms of Jesus? There is no safe zone for me. 

As the weeks tick by (and they are VERY quickly), I become more anxious, scared, and worried. I so BADLY want my son to survive the birth, his first year, and many more years to come. However, I feel as if I am free falling from the Heavens and at any time I am going to crash land back to where I was a year ago. I fear that I'll go into labor and Jaxson will join his sister in Heaven instead of his family here on earth. 

I've prayed to the Lord about my anxiety and my fears. Do I believe the Lord would allow it to happen again? I want to say no because I don't believe he puts more on us than what we can handle. But how do I have my faith overpower my fears when the outcome would destroy me if the dreaded happened again?

Stressed Beyond the Max

Let me say this... when pregnant think twice about moving. The stress of a move will put you on the edge no matter what you try to do. Then when you do plan to move, be sure it's not in a hurry. My family and I are going through a lot of stress right now. Let me fill you in a bit. (Which I must say to me is a bit embarrassing but as you all know.... I keep no secrets.) 

The move that I did recently was a forced move. My old landlord was just plain out MEAN! My daughter wasn't allowed to be a child and actually have fun outside. We would constantly be yelled at for things that were out of our control. In the middle of June this landlord told me that after our baby is born we would have to move. So, my hubby took matters into his own hands and began the search for another place. This gave us a total of two weeks to pack and move. He did find a home for us temporarily. What he didn't know... is the problems that came with it.

We moved from an apartment that had two bedrooms, a bath, living room, and kitchen. It was two story and spacious. The move was to a smaller trailer in the county where I grew up. I was happy to get away from Cruella de ville and for my Sunshine to FINALLY be able to be a kid. What I didn't know... was that I wouldn't be as happy as I thought. 

As we moved in work was being done on the pipes because the previous tenants broke them, as well as the steps. So the stairs had to be redone. All the while I am trying to make this smaller place into home. I've been here for a week and it still doesn't feel like home. 

I haven't really slept much within the past week. I'm dealing with a lot. I don't like this place I'm in now and can't wait to find another that is more suitable for my children. The pipes under the trailer aren't connected properly so water gets under the trailer, which attracts flies and gnats. The toilet isn't working right. It seems like one problem after another. 

However, we put in every dime we had in order to do this move, so we have to make the best of this while Hubby and I save up the money to move AGAIN! 

Well, this is the update on our move. I'll update you all on Jaxson in another post!!!