Come on in!

I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Weekend Getaway

Women's Retreat with Noah's Ark Church from Fairview, WV

This getaway is one that I look forward to. My first year going (2013) I found that I am not alone in this world. Jesus is with me each step of the way. The first year I went was a HUGE step in the healing from the loss of our angel. My church family is an amazing group of supporters who have been there for me during this rough journey. 

This year I was blessed to be able to go again. I needed this time. My life has been crazy stressful and the women that go on this trip have a way to make life feel calmer. 

This year we based our weekend off of the following:

I was extremely blessed this year because I took along baby boy due to our exclusive breastfeeding journey we are on. Each woman there came together to make this trip extra special for me. I was able to catch up on some much needed sleep with baby boy. We normally have worship in the morning and evening, which I look forward to. When we are praising the Lord, one can feel his presence. Here's a few photo's from this years trip:

The wonderful group of women who attended.

Our home for the weekend, which is absolutely beautiful.

Let me show you around....

Here are various photo's of those who went and our experience:

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Sunshine: Behavior Issues

Ugghhh at my wits ends. Just about every day Emma is coming home from school with a bad report. (check marks) Today I get a letter in the mail saying she's misbehaving on the school bus. I've grounded her from her favorite activities for a week and that did nothing. I have no idea what else to do in order for her to not continue this behavior. 

I've called her doctor to see if they would evaluate her for ADHD. The doctor can't see her right away. Therefore, she's still acting out and getting into trouble while waiting for the process of diagnosing the ADHD. 

The school and bus driver wants to see her behavior change like now. I have no idea how to handle this. This has been an ongoing issue but has gotten worse this year. We are waiting for the doctor to mail us the forms.

Life With Our Sunshine and Rainbow: It's a Blessing.

Woah, it's been forever since I've been able to fully update everyone. I believe the last time I actually sat down and did a post was right after I was released from the hospital with our rainbow baby. We
were released from the hospital on September 4th. Baby boy and I headed to West Virginia to stay with my Mom for the rest of that week. When we got to my Moms, we put up the pack-n-play and I couldn't help but to stare at him. As soon as I laid him down, he spread out and slept. The feelings that coursed through me are rather hard to put into words. A year ago I didn't think I'd be able to say I'd be truly happy. I'm ecstatic. I literally tear up when I look at my son. The fear of losing him is still there but it won't be from stillbirth. At this time, of course, I worry about SIDS but I know the good Lord above is watching over us.

That Friday went by slowly for me because my husband had planned on bringing our oldest daughter down so she could hang out with her brother. She hadn't been with him since the day he was born because she had to go to school. I couldn't wait to see how her face would light up seeing him. The
day he was born, the fear drained from her eyes and happiness finally returned. When she finally got there, her baby brother was the first person she asked about. She immediately took him in her arms and played with him. I loved seeing it.

That Sunday was our first time taking baby boy to church. Boy was Daddy excited. As soon as we sat down, he got baby boy out of the car seat and began showing him to our church family. Everyone was super excited about his safe arrival.

Church had a wonderful message and I believe that it definitely spoke to me. I have a testimony. I'm living proof that the Lord works in his time and answers prayers. For 16 months I prayed for the pain of losing Dakota to ease enough to where it wouldn't consume me. For six of those months, I prayed for my joy and happiness to some what return. For 38 weeks of that time, I carried the answer to all of my prayers. Then on September 1st, Jaxson Scott was born. My happiness and joy was restored in a much deeper way than before. During this time, my faith was tested over and over again. However, with the grace of God, I pushed back at the bad and came out stronger than ever.

When we got back home, I immediately put baby boy in the crib. I waited so long to fill the crib we bought over a year ago and we were FINALLY able to. I must admit that I cried. I cried because I longed to place Dakota in that crib for the longest time. Now, I had our miracle lying in the crib and it was the best sight to see.

That Monday, Baby boy had to go back to the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital for a check up.
The nurse who treated me like a child insisted that we bring him in so his jaundice could be checked. I was still confused on why they didn't put him under the Bili light if it was such a big deal.When we got there, the wait wasn't long at all.

I laid him in the heated bed and took him down to the diaper as the nurse asked. I felt so much anxiety because this woman made me feel less than who I am. She made me feel as if I wasn't good enough to be this beautiful little boy's mother. I was asked how his eating was going and about how many dirty diapers he was making. Of course, her response made me feel less than.

Thankfully we found out that his jaundice levels dropped. By the end of the appointment, I was ready to run out of that hospital and go back to the comfort of my home. I hated being around this particular nurse. However, baby boy had a different plan. He decided he wanted to eat. Therefore, I had to wait another 30 minutes before I was able to breathe again.

The nurse informed me that I needed to have baby boy in to see his pediatrician and she wanted him to see him within two days. I didn't like how she felt the need to give us a time line. I'm not stupid. I
know how important it is for my children to keep regular doctors appointments, especially when their having a slow start with life. I went home that day and we scheduled the appointment. 

Later in the week, I had a much needed prayer answered. I was gifted a breast pump. I hadn't been able to afford one with my husband being without work since July. As soon as I got it, I couldn't help but to cry. Once again God came through for me. It amazes me how he works. When I had it cleaned and sterilized, I tried pumping for the first time so my husband could try feeding our son for the first time. I was able to pump about 3oz for the first time and this was right after I nursed baby boy. I was happy. This was the most successful journey thus far that I had with breast feeding. I then made the goal that I wanted to nurse him for at least four weeks.

Shortly after I pumped, my Husband tried to feed baby boy for the first time. We had be recommended the NUK bottle for babies who do both bottle and breast. I grabbed my favorite bottle for the next feeding and when it was time, I put the milk in. Hubby grabbed the baby with a big smile and sat down in the "breastfeeding corner." He got comfortable and I handed him our son.

Well, baby boy had something different in mind. He played with the nipple of the bottle for a second and let it in his mouth. Once he realized it wasn't his Momma, he pushed the bottle out of his mouth with the funniest face. It honestly looked as if he was saying we were crazy for trying and that we should have known better. I thought maybe he could still sense me in the room so I went outside. Nope, that didn't work either. He still wouldn't take the bottle for Daddy. My Hubby gave up because baby boy started to fuss.

I grabbed the bottle and tried. Well, the milk went right down but I could tell my son wasn't liking the bottle idea. This is when I decided that I'd hold off on the bottle. I actually felt as if I were going to cry because of the entire bottle thing. I had gotten so used to being the person to feed him, I didn't like seeing someone else do it. **I know that sounds selfish. But I can't help it.**

By the end of September, baby boy's circumcision had healed and the umbilical cord stump fell off. I cried at this because it was one thing to show that time was passing and my son was getting older. These days were going by too quick. They needed to slow down.

We got baby boy in to see his doctor who confirmed that he needed to gain a bit more weight and that everything else seemed well. So, for the next two weeks I nursed every chance I got. I know that the more we nurse, the better my supply would be. By the next appointment, baby boy had gained a pound. I was so happy.

Well, that's around about everything that has happened with our baby boy lately. Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Rainbow Baby's First Week

Wow has this week been something! I can't believe my rainbow is here. It's as if I'm living in a dream. For the first part of his first week here, we spent it at the hospital. We had to stay an extra day because he was born so late on Monday the 1st. I wasn't too thrilled with our stay. As a matter of fact, I ached to take my baby boy home and get away from the stress of the nursing staff.

The night shift nurses and doctor who took care of me and helped me birth baby boy were simply amazing. They were very aware of what had happened with our angel and made sure to explain everything that was going on.

I believe everyone who came into our room that night anxiously awaited for baby boy's arrival. After 15 hours of labor, he came and there wasn't a dry eye within the delivery room. Each nurse and doctor thanked us for allowing us to be part of this amazing time for us. I was and still am very thankful and appreciative for each person on the clock that night. Sleep was hard to come by. I was too excited and full of joy to sleep. All I did within the night hours after his birth was hold him and stare at him. I couldn't believe he made his way here alive. 

About four hours after baby boy was born, they came in to take out my epidural and they took baby for his first bath. I loved how they prolonged his bath because of the health benefits this has for him. As they were off bathing him, I was able to get some sleep. My nurse only had me as her patient for the night, therefore she offered to take pictures of his first bath while I slept. Once he came back, the nurse took out my epidural and I slowly was able to walk again.

The following morning (September 2) shift change came before I was able to wake. Jaxson woke me up with is perfect little cry wanting to nurse. As I nursed him the day shift nurse came in. For some reason I got the feeling that something wasn't right. She checked my vitals and made sure Jaxson was doing well.

She suggested that I use the bathroom so she could make sure all was well there. I agreed. We made our way to the private bathroom within my room and I sat on the toilet. I noticed something wasn't right. Immediately I told the nurse that I didn't feel quite right and I was dizzy. She told me to take a few minutes and just sit there. I didn't argue because if I were to stand, I felt like I would pass out. While waiting she left me in the bathroom and I ended up finishing up in the bathroom without her assistance. I barely made it back to my bed when she came back into the room. Hubby helped me into bed and I got comfortable. The nurse didn't even offer to help.

Before she left, she asked me if there was anything she could get for me. I had been cramping really bad and needed something for the pain. I asked her if there was anything I could get because of breastfeeding. She told me that she'd check with the doctors and would be right back. After she left, Hubby informed me that he was the one who cleaned up my bed for me and got things in order while I was stuck in the bathroom. This ticked me off. This was the nurses duty.

While waiting my mom and step dad showed up, along with my sister and her son. Of course, they're just as excited about baby boy as I am. My step dad had to do his thing with baby boy. (He's done it to just about
all infant boys when they were born.) He had to put a bandanna on him. Oh my goodness... it was an overload of cuteness! They didn't stay long because they had other things they needed to do. My older sister took my daughter home so she didn't miss any more school and everyone headed out. So, after they left I realized the cramping was getting worse.

I realized it had been about three hours since the nurse was last in the room. I told my husband that I couldn't do the pain any longer. He went to grab a nurse and find out what was going on. When the nurse finally came back in she gave me an attitude. I really felt like I was bothering her. She promptly left the room once she saw I had taken the medication and I didn't see her again until much later in the afternoon.

Shortly after the medication kicked in, they came in to take baby boy for his circumcision. I hated this part. I didn't really like the idea of putting my beautiful baby boy through that but I felt that it'd be best for him later in life. While he was gone, I played with my phone and talked to my husband to keep my mind from what was happening down the hall.

Twenty minutes later, they brought baby boy back, swaddled, and sleeping. They told us that he did great and practically slept through the entire procedure. They informed us that when he needed changed to ask one of the nurses until the gauze came off, which would be in a few hours. So we did just that. They helped with the diapers while I continued to nurse him around the clock.

A few hours later, they took the gauze off and my nurse came in. She explained to Hubby about how to change his diaper properly. However, she explained it so quickly and practically did the change herself and hubby didn't catch everything. She left and we didn't see her again. When it came time for baby boy to have a diaper change, my husband asked for the nurse to come back in to oversee that he did the diaper correctly. We ended up waiting for a while for the nurse to come in. My aunt helped Hubby change the diaper. By the time the nurse came back it had been an hour. I'm thankful that we decided to do the diaper when we did or baby boy would have sat in a dirty diaper for an hour.

Once again the night shift nurses were amazing and I had no problems with them. Everything went well. My goodness. boy can eat. He is always at the breast. He's messing diapers regularly. I have even noticed he has been a wake and aware of the surroundings during the night. I spent some quality time with baby boy while Daddy got some sleep. I loved every minute of it.

The feelings that I feel when I look into his precious little face is completely explainable. My heart feel so overwhelmed when I look at him. I didn't think we'd ever make it this far. I'm so very blessed.

The night was straight up hell when it came to getting anything from the nurse. I had to wait for hours and when she finally came in... it was with an attitude. She made me feel as if I was completely stupid and didn't know what I was doing when it came to my baby.

She came in that around 7 the next morning asking how he was doing with breastfeeding and took a look at the baby log. (I was given a chart to fill out. I had to mark down the times he ate, wet a diaper, and messed a diaper.) When she looked at the log, she questioned each mark and time I put down to ensure I was doing it correctly. After lunch, I saw her again. This time she was in to take baby boy to do his newborn screen and his foot prints. This is when I got an even bigger attitude.

Let me remind you... I was fully awake with his small bed right beside mine. I hardly took my eyes off of him. I decided to take a few hospital pictures for our family album and added in a few very small stuffed animals to the foot of his little crib. OH BOY... I heard it from her this time. She demanded I removed them immediately because they were a hazard to him. She sternly informed me that NOTHING goes in his bed with him because of the risk of SIDS.  Hello goof ball don't you think I know that? It's not like I was going to leave them there. I was using them as PROPS for a PICTURE and then I planned on removing them.

She took baby boy to get his testing done and I ordered my lunch. Hubby and I talked and we both agreed that this nurse lacked bedside manners. She made each of us feel dumb. When she brought baby boy back, she told me that he had a touch of jaundice and that he will need to be watched closely. This saddened me a bit but I would let them do whatever it was they needed to in order to take baby boy home.

Around 9, she told me that we could get more pain medication for me after I ate breakfast and then I could shower. She left the room and the day shift doctor came in. The doctor explained that since baby boy was born so late, she'd rather us stay a full 48 hours before she'd release us. After the episode in the bathroom, I didn't disagree.

This is when things got crazy. I had people coming in and out of my room talking to me about my insurance and the bill that I was "racking" up. Five people within an hour had asked me how I planned on paying for the services. (Let me remind you of the beautiful baby boy I just had..... yeah... well he's crying because he wants to be nursed.) I hear my baby boy fussing and these people asking me for money. I guess something happened where my insurance wasn't covering the care I had been receiving and they wanted me to call and find out why.

I broke down and started crying. I didn't want to deal with this. Hubby picked up the phone and called our insurance, while these people stood there waiting for their answer. I had enough at this point and kicked them out of my room. All but one left. She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working. We found out that there had been a lapse in my insurance and since Hubby called and fixed it, the coverage would resume the next morning.

Not even an hour after I kicked them out of the room, a different nurse, whom I have never met before, came in with my discharge papers. This threw me off. Earlier in the morning I was told I wasn't going to be discharged until at least 11 AM the next day. They explained that I no longer needed their care and I was going to be considered a live in for my son. It was officially his room and I was just staying with him. I was no longer getting any type of medical care from the hospital because I was officially no longer a patient.

I had asked for the pain medication the first nurse was supposed to bring me but they refused to give it to me because I was no longer a patient of the hospital. My back hurt so bad and the cramps sucked. Pretty much I had to suck it up. They gave me a prescription for Motrin but I couldn't fill it with the lack in my insurance. Nor could I pay for it.

As nurses came and and went, I cried from the pain. Several nurses acted as if they didn't even notice I was in pain. I could hardly sit still because of the contractions of my uterus and it shrinking. (If you have ever had a baby before... you know that crap HURTS) Well, they completely ignored me. Hubby tried everything to help me with the pain, which was worse when baby boy nursed. It took everything I had to stay in that bed.

My sister came to visit me and I explained to her what was going on. This upset her. My mom and step dad came by for a quick visit and brought me dinner. I told them what was going on. Shift change came and new nurses introduced themselves. By the grace of God, a guardian angel was sent to me. This guardian angel secretly gave me something for the pain from her own purse, which she wasn't supposed to do. She told me that I couldn't tell anyone what she did because she could loose her job. But she couldn't turn her back to me while I was in so much pain.

That night went smoothly. The guardian angel was sent to a different floor and another nurse filled her spot. I really got along with her. She was down to earth and hung out with me in my room. It was like we had known each other our entire lives.

By the time baby boy was released, I was beyond ready to go home. The sleepless nights I looked forward to. As baby boy was being discharged, the same nurse covered this too. Of course, she talked to me like I was stupid. She went through how to bathe him. (DUH, I've done this before and she's rather healthy) She informed me that he was not to be in any crowded places, including church. (Sorry there nurse but my son is safe in Jesus' house, so he will be going to church.)

 To get used to baby boy and a routine, I was released and went to stay the rest of the week with my mom.

**To be continued**

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Labor Day- Induction Day- My Rainbow is HERE!!!

**Very detailed and long.**
**Slideshow of the events are shown below**

The night of August 31, I had a hard time climbing into bed. Our scheduled induction was the next day and I was afraid of how things would go. The doctor’s really didn't explain how things would go and what they would do to push me into labor. I double-checked all of the hospital bags and the bags that I had packed for when we left the hospital. Baby boy and I were going to stay with my mom for the weekend so we could go to church.  

I finally climbed into bed around midnight and surprisingly I went to sleep easily. Up until that night, I had a hard time falling asleep due to being so uncomfortable. It was a nightmare trying to sleep. I would lie on my sides and my hips would feel as if a knife had been pushed slowly into them. If I tried lying on my back, the same feelings happened in my tailbone. However, the night of the 31st into the first was completely different.

Morning came quickly. I was concerned that we would have a rough morning because my husband, daughter, and I had such a late night. I figured that our daughter would give us a fight to get up at six in the morning for our eight o’clock appointment. Surprisingly everyone got up rather easy and we almost made it to the hospital on time. The morning also included nice and strong contractions. I felt as if I was in labor but couldn't be sure, due to the amniotic fluid level being so high.

We met my mom and step-dad at the hospital. They were waiting at the main doors with a wheel chair for me. Hubby parked the car while I got comfortable in the wheel chair. By this time, I was holding back tears from fear. Fear of the unknown! My mom and daughter immediately starting carrying on and enjoying their time together. 

Hubby caught up with us and we headed up to the sixth floor; Labor and Delivery! My nerves kicked in full force and it took everything within me to hold back my tears. Fear flooded me and panic set in. I was afraid that as soon as we were ready, we would hear those dreaded words again. Deep down inside I knew baby boy was fine because I could feel him kicking, even with the contractions. We made it to labor and delivery and checked in. 

They already had my room ready and waiting. Holding back tears, I quietly listened to the nurse talk about their plan to bring baby boy safely into the world. I changed into the hospital gown and climbed into the bed. My heart beat crazily while the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and struggled to find the baby's heartbeat. My heart felt as if were going to jump out of my chest and when I didn't think she'd find it, I heard it. It was like music to my ears. 

After the monitor was completely hooked up, they started an IV with fluids and oxytocin. Shortly after they started the fluids, they checked to see if any progress had been made and where we were starting at. The contractions I had been feeling took me from 1 cm to about 4 cm before I even got to the hospital. So, my body started labor on it's own and the oxytocin was used to help speed things along. At this point, there was a lot of waiting and more of my family showing up to greet our miracle. 

Contractions came roughly every two minutes or so. I was still hanging strong with no pain medication. The doctors slowly increased the oxytocin but after about four hours, they came into my room and started checking vitals. They watched the heart monitor for baby's heartbeat. I was asked to lay on my left side for a moment and then asked to roll over to my right side. As they helped me roll over, another nurse asked me to put on the oxygen mask. The medication caused me to have back to back contractions, which caused baby's heart rate to drop. They got it back up. Docs and nurses were on it and got everything back in order. He was doing good now and had hiccups. His heart rate was about 163 now. I'm was contracting without the medicine so they kept it the oxytocin off for the time being.

Labor slowed down quite a bit with the contractions after a few hours of not being on the oxytocin, so they came back in and started it back up. At this time I was 4-5 cm dilated, 50% effaced. My main intentions with labor was to have a vaginal delivery and avoid a c-section unless medically needed. Around six that afternoon, the epidural was given to me. They allowed time for the epidural to kick in before breaking the water.

Around 8 PM, they slowly broke the water. This was one part which terrified me. I remembered the doctor mentioning at one of my appointments that with so much amniotic fluid, a prolapsed cord was a risk. The doctor came in with several nurses. They clipped the sack and let the fluid slowly drain. I was amazed at how much fluid there was. It filled two medical pads and lots of towels. As the fluid drained, I became so much more comfortable. I actually felt the pressure disappear. 

My family sat around impatiently waiting for baby boy's arrival. It got to the point where everyone began making jokes about how to get baby to come out quicker. As they were making jokes, I noticed something different around 10:30 PM. I didn't say anything right away but the pressure got stronger. I whispered to my mom, "Something is different. There's so much pressure." 

As soon as I said this, my husband ran out of the room and got the doctor. She came in and checked me.... IT WAS TIME! My breath caught in my throat at those words. I didn't think I would ever hear that again, let alone give birth. I started crying. I couldn't believe we had made it this far. I had so many people in the delivery room with me but it didn't help the spiral of emotions. 

My aunt took Emma out of the room and the doctors prepared for a baby to be born. Since our rainbow had touched so many, the delivery room was full. All of my parents were there. (Mom, Dad, Step-Dad, Step-Mom) It was a very special moment and the support I had was overwhelming. Once I was in position to push, anxiety took over. I listened to those around me and concentrated on giving birth to my son. I could hear everyone around me commenting on how much hair they could see. Then, when he was head out, I heard my family crying that he looked beautiful. The entire time I couldn't help but to think.... "Why hasn't he cried yet?" Panic set in and I started crying. The tears were from the lack of hearing my son cry and fear of loosing him in the process of laboring. 

For the first time during a labor, the doctor called my husband over (who had on sterile gloves) and told him to get ready. She explained to me to bare down and push. I did as I was told. Several pushes later, our son landed in the waiting arms of his very happy father. My husband helped me birth our son. As soon as baby boy was clear, they gently laid him on my stomach. 

It was love at first sight. I cried out..."Why isn't he crying?" as the doctors used baby blankets to rub him down and that's when I heard his precious cry. I lost it. I grabbed my son and cried out with so much joy, love, and relief. My rainbow had made it safely into this world! The entire room erupted into tears, joy, and happiness. 

At 11:02 PM on September 1, 2014 (Labor Day) Jaxson Scott Buda was born. He weighed 6 lbs 13 oz. and was 19 3/4 in. long. His cries were music to my ears and as I glared at my new baby I couldn't help but to look up to the sky and thank the Lord above for my blessing. I cried out thanking Him for our miracle!