Project Heal: Capture your Grief by CarlyMarie

It's that time again. October is here and so is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. In addition to my strong will to support this cause, I take part in the Capture your Grief Project inspired by CarlyMarie each October.

What is Capture your Grief?

To me, this is a time of reflection when it comes to the loss of my daughter. I believe it helps me see how far I have come and how far I want to be. It gives me time to process Dakota's death each year and dedicate a little bit of time to her.

Each day there's a different subject for YOUR photo. It's not a challenge where you Google the images, but you take them yourself. As stated on CarlyMarie's page: "Capture Your Grief is a mindful healing project for anyone who is grieving the death of a baby or child of any age or gestation."

Here is this months subjects:

So, keep your eyes open every day this month for my part in this healing project. 

Closing Out 2013... Faith Based Resolutions....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

What a year this has been!! 2013 was one full emotional roller coaster and I am so happy to kiss it goodbye. For the past few weeks, my emotions have been controlling my actions and thoughts. I've been so bitter, angry, and depressed. 

This really isn't who I am. I haven't been able to write or read, which I LOVE to do. I've tried everything to change my mood, but it just doesn't seem to work. I've tired to busy myself in cleaning, but that doesn't work either. I'm at the point where I really don't care what the house looks like. Right now, it's a total mess. Toys from Christmas are cluttering the living room floor, there's a basket of laundry that needs put away, a load of laundry that needs folded, and odds-n-ends laying about. I hate it, but I don't have the drive to fix this.

I honestly feel like I'm failing God by allowing this to happen. I want nothing more than to follow Jesus the best I can, but I feel that it's not good enough. I'm so lost.

I've tried to open up to those around me, but I don't think they can understand. 

I feel like I have strayed from God. As an example, I let anger get the best of me and I flipped out on two people who were only trying to help me. 

"OH LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! MY HEART IS BROKEN AND I'VE ALLOWED MY EMOTIONS TO CONTROL MY ACTIONS."

I believe a good bit has to do with last month not being successful with getting pregnant. I know that if another baby is in my future, I'll be blessed when the time is right, but it's so hard to have hope sometimes.

I've always been they type of person who has hope in the future when I know of what it is & when it will happen.

One thing I plan on doing is following my resolutions I've made for the New Year to the best of my ability. This way I have something to work on and look forward to. I'm sure the list (located to the left) will grow, but this is a start. I've never actually followed my lists, but I really want to try. Perhaps, if I focus on other's and be a blessing to someone else...then the pain I live in daily won't hurt so much. 

I think God has a lesson for me to learn before He blesses me with my Rainbow Baby! I think he may want me to learn how to have Faith when I don't know the future or what lies ahead. I've heard myself say so many times... "How can I have hope in something when I have no idea if it will happen?"

This is the thing... THAT'S NOT FAITH!!!

Faith isn't hoping God will. It's knowing he will!

I need to learn this and truly believe it. So, that's another goal. WORK ON MY FAITH! I will push all negative away. I will not accept the bitterness, anger, hurt, or pain anymore. I will control it. Not the other way around. I'm tired of being a hostage to myself. 

In closing, I pray for a joyous and happy filled new year for myself and for the person who is reading this. 

What is on your resolution list?

2014 Resolutions & Goals

Each year I happen to make these lists. Most of the time I am like everyone else... I don't keep up with them. Well, I'll be posting my list here and then on the side of the blog as a reminder for the entire year.

I am praying for happiness, joy, and laughter for the 2014 New Year. This past year included too many tears and sadness.

So, here is my list:

1. Let go of what doesn't contribute to my own happiness. (This includes people who only caused heartache.)

2. Build my relationship with Christ. (This includes daily Bible study and going more to Him in prayer.)

3. Complete my Bible study on Angels.

4. BE ON TIME!! (I am never on time for anything. In 2012 when I got married, I was an hour late for the ceremony. Therefore, I am going to bust my rear end and be on time.)

5. Publish the two books I am in the process of writing.

6. Catch up on my review list of books for my book blog.

7. Spend less time on the internet and more time with my family. (My writing takes a lot of time, but I won't allow it to consume me this year.)

Last on my list... 

I have an old mason jar that I plan on using for the entire year. As the year goes by, anything that I would consider is a blessing... I'll write it down on a piece of paper and add it to the jar. This can include any goals I meet, surprise gifts, "LOL" moments, memories worth saving, etc. All good will be noted and put into the jar. This way at the end of 2014, I can pull out the notes and read at how the Lord blessed me during the year.

What is in your plans for 2014?

A Trip to See Santa

One of the things Emma has been asking for was to see Santa. She had a full list of toys she needed to tell him that she wanted. I had an idea for our Christmas pictures this year. It's hard to think of having to go a day without our dear Dakota, but we included her within our pictures as well.

The line at the mall to see Santa was crazy. As soon as we got into the mall, Emma and I jumped into line, while Greg went to check something out at one of the stores right by us. I was watching everyone around me and saw how innocent they all were. Each one of them were blessed with their children and laughed with them.

As I was watching the kids going up to Santa, I saw a mother with a huge smile place her beautifully dressed newborn upon his lap. This is when I broke. I wasn't prepared to see any little ones because it instantly reminded me of not having Dakota.

I broke into tears not caring who saw me. As I tried to look away, I noticed people staring and kids asking what was wrong. Emma decided to fill them in and then the looks of confusion turned into looks of compassion and sympathy. Greg returned and helped me gather myself back up.

A young couple standing behind us with their baby boy in his car seat and their little girl began talking with us. I couldn't help but to look at their son. Then, I asked how old he was without even thinking. They told me he was born in June and he was six months old. He's only a month younger than Dakota.

I mentioned this and they looked confused. Greg told them our daughter was stillborn. I was blown away by the fact that neither of them knew what that meant. So, Greg said she was born forever sleeping. Once again... they were confused. So, Greg had no other way to explain it except to say that our darling daughter had passed before birth.

That is when they got it and understood why a grown woman was standing in line holding a pure white teddy bear. The teddy bear stood in for Dakota. Once we were up to Santa, he tried to get Emma to leave the bear out of the photo. With as much willpower as I had, I told him No the teddy bear stays. That's when Greg jumped in and told them why we needed that bear in the photo.

Instantly, those standing around us came to help me because I burst into tears again. One mother helped position the teddy bear just right on Santa's lap. While the photographer cried with me. It was a bittersweet moment because just then, I realized that they cared. They didn't know me but showed their support in this heartbreaking time for me.

I will forever be grateful to the mother who stood in front of us and to the photographer for showing me it's okay to cry!!!

New Beginnings this Christmas Season

I've noticed that there are several bloggers (including myself) that are doing the Christmas traditions a little different this year. If some of you bloggers out there are looking for something creative to do... I just might have the idea for you. I believe that there are too many children out there that really think Christmas is about the presents, money, and Santa. They expect the expensive gifts and aren't happy with anything less. (I personally know kids this way.) I refuse to let my child think this way. That is why we are changing things up a bit.

On Christmas Eve, the family will come together in the kitchen and bake cake. This cake can/will be decorated in any way my Princess wants. We're adding sprinkles and candles this year. On the top, it will read, "Happy Birthday Jesus." I'm hoping this will help my daughter see that Christmas is for Jesus. Not for the gifts.

On Christmas Day, she will open three gifts. Yep, that's it. Three. We aren't going all out this year. I feel our daughter was becoming all about the presents. I don't want that. Jesus had three gifts brought to him from the three wise men and that's going to be good enough for my child. Afterward, we will visit our family and have dinner. The entire family will gather around the cake we baked the night before and sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. This way all children in our family will see the reason for Christmas.

If you like this idea, use it. I'd love to hear your Christmas ideas for this year. Thanks for reading.