Eviction for literally... NOTHING

So now that all is said and done... I'll be telling all of what happened. However, I'm not writing this to put down those who had put my family in this position, I'm writing my testimony and how God worked in my life.

Here we go...

I lived in a small two bedroom apartment above my landlord's garage for about two years. Things kicked off awesome and I thought I found two new friends. Over time, one of the two changed. She became cocky and uncaring. Her children were allowed to openly disrespect me, my husband, and my kids. After much thought, my husband and I decided it was time to move, but we wanted a place where we could call home and NEVER have to worry about moving. We wanted to buy our first home. This sadly did not happen. 

After an argument one night in the kitchen with the landlord over the disrespect from her daughter's, we received a typed letter (not notarized or signed by a judge) that told us we had 30 days to move. Anxiety kicked in because this wasn't how I wanted things to end. I even went to the extent of sending apology texts to both landlords and begged for them to give us another chance. That did not work. They were sticking to the eviction. 

House hunting started immediately. That's where I felt I lived in my own prison. I was afraid to live, breathe, or even be in that apartment. Mutual respect went out the window and bitterness set in. I lived in my own wallow of pity. I constantly cried as I pack, yet another box. By this point, packing up had become my specialty since I've moved so many times in my life. I seriously wanted this place to be the last in which we rented. My attitude suffered. My emotions had the best of me and it affected my appetite. I ended up losing ten pounds during this hard time. The once always opened blinds during the day, now remained closed. I didn't want to look at the people who so heartlessly kicked my children out over an argument. No, I wasn't late on the rent. The place wasn't trashed and my bills were paid. There wasn't a legal reason for the eviction.

Apartment after house. We looked, called, and inquired. However, it was super hard to find a place close enough to my daughter's homeschool group since they are highly sought areas. Weeks were ticking by and boxes filled the place I once called home. My (at the time) three-year-old son didn't understand what was going on, which made things rough because he's unique. He has a sensory disorder and doesn't do well with quick changes. My daughter stressed that she'd have to leave the only school she fell in love with. However, I was determined to not allow that to happen. 

As I was sitting in my recliner, it dawned on me... perhaps God was needing me to do something to open the next door for us and welcome us to our next blessing. So, I got a hold of my attitude, forgave those who hurt us, and prayed. Boy... did I pray. Every second of every day. I came to call this place of my life... the "in between" stage. You know... it's that time in life where things that once was became things of the past, but the things of the future haven't quite made it to the present yet. In this stage, I prayed and held on to my faith. I knew God had something great in store for us. I just had to be still and allow Him to work.

Then one evening, my son's ex-therapist notified me of a potential home that was available. We immediately called the landlord and set up a time to see the place. This place was perfect. Set close to my daughter's school. Not in a crowded town. Off road parking with a carport. Fenced in... side yard that is safe for my son to run and play. I loved the outer appearance. 

We stepped onto the nice sized porch and into the home. Directly into the very spacious living room. It seriously was the size of two of the living room that I had in the apartment. Lamanite hardwood floors. Beautiful large windows. Perfect. Then we saw the spacious bedrooms, which were much bigger and I could even put my queen bed in the middle of the wall and still have room to walk around. In my old apartment, our bed could only be against one wall and there was a window directly above our bed, which I don't like. We walked down the hallway that went to the other side of the house when I noticed BUILT IN bookshelves!! They are gorgeous. I took this as a sign from God because He knows my passion for writing and my love of books. We stepped into the kitchen area which took my breath. It was so much bigger and I was humbled to think that we could live here. 

Once we did some talking afterward, we headed back to the old place with our hope restored. I excitedly packed boxes. There was a process we had to go through before the landlord could give us an answer, but I continued to pray.  

The application came. We filled it out and emailed it back. The landlord told us that she'd have to check my references and she'd let us know. I didn't have a worry about this because I knew God had my back and He was going to take care of us. 

Almost a week passed before we found out that we got the house!!! 

I happily carried out my boxes to the moving truck a few weeks later. Gave the apartment a good cleaning and I handed over the keys to the old landlord. The landlord checked the apartment and told us we'd have our deposit the following week. Climbing into our beat down CRV, I was elated! I could finally get away from that prison and LIVE!! So many people volunteered that day to help us move and they did so... carefully. You see, in the past, I've had so many things damaged from moving, but this one... I only lost a glass and for that I am grateful.

Now, I was unpacking with my mother's help and setting up. My daughter's sleeping issues disappeared and she enjoyed having her room again. (I'll explain this later.) My son had so much room to run, and that's exactly what he did. By late evening, everyone had left and we were officially home. Hubby had already set up all utilities and the internet so I could immediately get back to writing. As he worked on putting beds together, the kids and I helped get the cat comfortable. However, as soon as we opened his carrier, he was home and he knew it. 

Life settled in and things were coming along. We received a letter in the mail and thought it had been our deposit from the old apartment. It was and no it wasn't. You see... the landlord decided that it was her right to keep part of it because the VA helped us and paid the deposit when we first moved in. However, it was clearly stated that it was to be returned to us. Next, she explained that since our rent was due on the 1st (per our lease) that the 15 days in April were unpaid for. However, I had a receipt that proved the rent was paid and it was dated the 15th, which was when we verbally agreed on.  Then, to make matter's worse, I noticed that we were going to need to take her to court in order for this wrong to be corrected.

We gathered all paperwork and proof. 1. All paid bills. 2. Rent receipt. 3. Eviction notice. 

While we waited for the court date to approach, the Lord had a few more blessings in mind. We were planning our very first trip to the beach, which had been in the works since before we were evicted and A NEW CAR!!! My husband and I desperately needed a new vehicle, as ours was always breaking down. One evening, the horn on the CRV decided to go off on its own and that was the breaking point. God made it possible for my husband to bring home and pay for a newer Honda Civic. 

See in the midst of our storm, I wanted to give up but didn't. I threw all that had me worried and ready to break to Jesus and allowed Him to carry the burden. He worked it out for the best of my family and I totally give Him all the credit for everything we have now. I am grateful and very appreciative for everything and I couldn't thank Him enough.

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If you are going through a trying time, please do not give up. Hold on. Pray and ask God for help. Then give it to him. We can't ask him to help if we're still standing in the way with worry and anxiety. Give it fully to him and if you feel worried again, pray. NEVER STOP PRAYING!!! Prayer works. God hears you and He loves you!!

Struggling To Fit In

Sunday morning had arrived.

I pulled myself out of bed after a restless night while stumbling to the coffee pot. 
As my fresh cup of delight brewed, I started the wake-up process for my family so we could start getting ready for church. I waited for the kids to shuffle out of bed so I could get them their breakfast while I enjoyed my coffee. 

Nothing felt better than a fresh cup of coffee mixed with the morning sun. 

Kids fed, dressed, and ready to go...
we headed off for the morning service.

Excitement filled me as I awaited to see what the Lord had
in store for this service. He never failed to point out the things that I needed
to work on or to discretely answer my prayers.

My hubby parked the car and we headed inside. 
We were greeted by those holding the door as we passed inside.

I sat my toddler son down and wrestled to take off his coat while I kept his close by my side.
I didn't want him off breaking something or falling down the stairs which led to the basement.
Once we had the coats on the rack, we took our seats and readied ourselves for the service.

My mom, step-brother, and step-dad come in shortly behind us and take their seats next to us. 

Excitement fills the room as my sisters enter and people shuffle toward them. Their joyfulness of my sister's arrival has several turning their heads to see what was going on. See my sisters live an hour away and visit our mom when they can. 

While I sit watching in silenced, they walk to the pew and one sits on either side of me. Still... I'm silent. My husband managed to disappear in the crowd once again. Panic arises when my eyes scan the crowd and I don't see him. 

A voice pulls my attention to the pew in front of us. Another person... excited to see my sisters. She directs her welcome and brief conversation of how she and my sisters need to meet up sometime. Then, skipping me... she talks to my younger sister.

Forgotten.
That's how the lack of a cheerful welcome makes me feel.
I try to push these feelings aside because I know that even though I'm 
invisible to them... 
I'm not invisible to God!

For a long time, I have always been the one on the sideline....
watching.

The last to be chosen.

The one who didn't have many I could call friends.

As I stand on the outside, I want to make myself noticed. I want others to see me. Yet, 
the anxious part of me wants to run. The little voice of anxiety tells me that if people wanted to talk to me... they would... without me forcing it.

I feel anxious when many people are around or a few take notice and make small talk.
Most of these small conversations are artificial. I really don't think they want to REALLY know how I am doing. Because if I answered that honestly, I'd tell them I was a mess.

Then, I remind myself...
it's not the acceptance of the world I should seek.
But that of the Lord.

He is who matters.
He is who loves me.
He is the one who will always be there!!! 

Anxiety Isn't Forever

Sweaty palms....

Racing Heart....

Headache....

Stomach pains....

Hard to Breathe....

These are all some of the symptoms I feel when my anxiety is present, which happens

to be more than I care to acknowledge. 

I suffer from anxiety 

Full blown.

At any given moment, it surfaces and 

most times there's no reason.

I constantly feel as if I have a weight sitting on my chest...

My hands... I'm not quite sure what to do with them

I just have to move because of the overwhelming feeling, as if it might help.

I often find it worse when I'm riding, yes riding because I don't drive.. in the car.

Down the interstate.

I check my phone.

Put on Chapstick.

Play with my phone more.

Change the radio station, especially if the music is making it worse.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself...

Anxiety isn't forever.

It may be the one thing that follows me through my life

but one day... I'll be free.

Jesus promised me this.

I know that when I die and go home...

I'll be free.

Until then... 

I'll fight with every ounce of

strength I have. 

It's not over 

not now

not today

not in this lifetime.

But...

one day

I 

will

be.

Like a Child...

Parenting is a mission that many are selected to do. It's a forever mission appointed by God. As parents, we are qualified to do His bidding. We are to be the light that shines through the dark so our children can find their way. We are to speak and teach the truth. But our most important job within parenting is to pray for our children.

Over the past ten years of my parenting journey, I remember feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. At times, I even feel this way today. My oldest seems to always want her life to revolve around electronics and when she's glued to her Kindle, her attitude sucks. At one time, I felt like I failed, like my body failed when I lost my daughter in the womb and she was stillborn. I have even felt like a failure with my currently two-year-old son because he's not where the doctors believe he should be when it comes to talking.

God has spoken to me on numerous occasions in the most unexpected ways. He told me that He understands what it feels like to lose a child and gain one at the same time. I was confused by this and it took me three years to understand. He lost His child to sin but gained Him by the cross. 

He told me He understands my pain when it comes to the broken relationship that I have with my oldest. I have had the hardest time trying to connect with my daughter as she gets older. Our interests aren't the same. She loves dinosaurs and I'm clueless about them. She enjoys Pokemon and I don't even know where to begin. She hates doing her hair and I love it. She's not interested in makeup but I enjoy it. We are very different. I keep reaching out and she keeps pushing away. I try to teach her the right ways to go and it seems to flow in one ear and out the other. I try to guide, protect, and love her to the best of my ability, but she won't have any of it. 

Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me explain how God understands what I am going through as a parent. He continually loves us. There isn't a sin in this world that will stand in between the love of God and His child (You). God has given us freedom, as I have done with my daughter, to choose our own way. He gives us the opportunity for us to show Him in return the love we have for Him. However, this doesn't stop Him from pursuing a relationship with us. Just as I have done in the past with my daughter, God is doing it with us too. He reaches and we push away. He comforts and we blame Him. He wants to build a stronger relationship with us but we're nieve and think we can handle it on our own. We are His stubborn children.

Regardless of how much we push away, He's always there when the rough spots hit. That's when we seem to seek out His love, strength, and healing the most. But He wants more than that. He wants us ALL OF THE TIME. He will continue to pursue us because He knows we are worth it. He knows the ways He can teach us. He knows how He can or will use these to teach us about Himself so we can get to know Him better. He knows the ways to make us more like Him by growing the fruit of the Spirit within our hearts. We just need to open up to Him and allow Him to work. 

This is especially true when it comes to our children too. Once we fully submit to God, we can focus on our children and teach them of the love of Christ. We can trust our children to Him through prayer and by building our relationship with Him. 

He's here.

He's waiting.

Do you accept?

Come Sit. Let's talk....

Grab a cup of coffee and stay awhile. 

❤️

I have something to tell you. 

I'm talking to you.

The Mom who is stressed and depressed.

The one who tries so hard but feels like you failed.

The one who has puffy eyes with dark circles around them.

The one with spit up covering your last clean shirt.

The one who fights daily to get your child(ren) up and off to school.

The one who battles the "know it all" attitude.

I'm talking to ALL mothers at every stage of parenting.

❤️❤️❤️

This message is an important one and I pray you open your heart to receive it!

Motherhood is very rewarding and most of the time, it's a journey where Mom's wonder if they're doing this parenting thing right. At times, we lay in our beds after a very rewarding, yet stressful day, and wonder if we made any difference in our children's lives. Maybe you're worried about the news you just received and you're unsure of the steps you must take. Perhaps you feel that you need to be strong because it's the only choice you have. Maybe, you're laying in bed going over the list of things that you didn't get done or of the upsetting situation that occurred only hours before.

Can I tell you something? What if I told you that none of this matters? What if I told you that you're doing exactly the right thing and that you don't need to stress about it? 

You see life is full of its own challenges. These small bumps in the road are only meant to build you up for the greatness God has in store for you. Each one of our stories are the same, yet they're different. Motherhood has such a vast array of obstacles in it and sometimes we find ourselves comparing our parenting skills with those around us or we find ourselves weakened by these obstacles which make it hard for us to believe that we're on the right track. However, all these negative thoughts hinder all the beautiful things that we did accomplish and they overshadow the best moments.

Take a moment. Push aside any negative thought you have that are clouding your mind. Allow God to show you the moments where you made a difference in your child(ren) life/lives. I'm sure you're weakened spirit is at a weary moment right now. Maybe the beautiful moment I am referring to is that moment where your toddler stopped in mid run to turn to you for a slobbery kiss and big hug. Maybe it's that moment where your child ran into the house from the bus ready to show you all of the studying you helped with paid off with a high test score. Maybe it's the college acceptance letter that arrived in the mail. These are the blessings I want you to see and remember.

We all feel like we've messed up somewhere along the way but let me assure you...YOU ARE DOING GREAT! The enemy is whispering all these lies in your ears and I want you to know that his goal is to steal your joy. He wants you to focus on those areas in life where you feel defeated, broken, and anxious. He wants you beating yourself up because your toddler ate the crayon before you noticed. He wants you constantly feeling bad for forgetting the school lunch during a trying morning with the kids. He wants you to feel like you failed because your teen has an attitude problem and is facing hardships that only adults should be enduring.

STOP THOSE LIES IN THEIR TRACKS!

Let me tell you this....

You are worthy.

You are smart.

You are strong.

You are amazing.

You are not a failure.

You are A MOTHER!

❤️

Being a mother is such a blessing. From this moment on, I want you to focus on the part of life where you succeed and stop focusing on the "mess ups". Stop looking for the unfinished tasks from the day because you have done everything God needed you to do. He guides and gives. He loves and forgives. Therefore, you need to forgive yourself. 

You are the daughter of a King and you are worth far more than rubies. Hold your head up. Praise God for the joys of motherhood and ask Him to guide you in your moments of weakness. With Him, all things are possible. Therefore, don't shy away from Him but run into His waiting arms to be embraced by His love, strength, and grace.

Parenting as a Christian Mom

Since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a Mom. I loved the idea of the bottles, diapers, and dressing the baby. I loved the idea of cuddles, kisses, and hugs. The idea I had as a mother was way less than what it turned out to be. My daughter is completely different than I had imagined. I envisioned this little girl who would play dress up with my shoes and makeup and would love baby dolls and Barbie dolls. Instead, she'd rather play with bugs and learn about dinosaurs. She is very emotional and is head strong. However, I wouldn't chance her for a second. My son loves to make people laugh, cars are his favorite, and he's a Momma's boy. 

Most of all, I wanted to teach them about life and the love of Jesus. Each one got an age-appropriate Bible the day they were born, which they played with. I read them stories out of each book. We prayed before each meal and before bed. However, I never taught them to REALLY pray. 

Parenting has a lot to do with prayer. I find myself seeking guidance for the Lord through prayer quite a bit when it comes to my children. As a parent, we want the best for our children so what better way to do it than by going to the Most High and asking for His guidance? Our greatest times as a parent happens when we are on our knees; open and honest. 

What exactly do we pray for when it comes to our children?

I'm going to share with you... my list of powerful verses I pray when I'm praying for my children. Feel free to use them too for your prayers. 

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I pray for strength. In a tough world where things aren't so godly, our children need the strength to face it and deal with each issue. So, I pray the Lord will provide strength to them throughout their day. (I can do all things through him who strengthens me. ~ Philippians 4:13)

I pray for courage. It's a scary world out there and things seem a bit crazy. This world can certainly have us cowering in the corner. I want my children to go at life head-on. Ready to tackle anything that comes their way and they can do this through Christ. (Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9)

I pray for peace. In a world of war, our children need a sense of peace in their hearts. I don't want my child anxious and fearful because of the events going on around us. (Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ~ Philippians 4:6)

I pray for procurement. I ask God to provide them with everything they need each day. This would help them to not fear for the future and look at it with hope. (And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:19)

I pray for direction. I pray for the Lord to guide each thought and decision they make. I want them to make godly decisions for their lives as they get older and I want them to be able to make healthy decisions that will benefit their futures. (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6)

I pray for protection. I ask God to protect my kids from all harm that may come their way. I've lost one child and I pray that God keeps them safe and allows me to parent them (earthside) for many more years to come. (He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Psalm 9:1-2)

I pray for joy. I want my children to feel the type of joy that only comes from the Lord. This type of joy is one I love feeling and knowing my children are filled with it is a blessing. (You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. ~ Psalm 16:11)

I pray for compassion. In a world where compassion is lacking, I want my children to be the ones who allows Christ to shine through when their showing love and compassion. I want them to always focus on the needs of others, in addition to their own. (Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:32)

I pray for justice. I want to be sure that my children will stand up for what is right. Even if that means their standing alone. I want them to stand up and defend those who can't do it for themselves and seek the right ways in all situations. (Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause. ~ Isaiah 1:17)

I pray for wisdom. I want them to have the smarts to know which decisions are in the best interest of them. I want them to always choose what is right. (If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ~ James 1:5)

I pray for hope. I want them to have the type of hope that exceeds the kind we have on earth. I want them to have heavenly hope that only God can give them. (May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. ~ Romans 15:13)

I pray for love. I ask for them to be filled with the love of Christ so that they can go out into the world and show others what godly love really is. (Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. ~ 2 Corinthians 13)

What are some of the things you pray for your children?

Favorite Verses of the Bible

Today, I'm going to share with you the verses within the Bible that spoke to me and that I live by on a daily basis. Each verse has a special meaning for me. God wants us to study His word, learn it, and live by it. I hope this inspires you to create a verse list for yourself and push you to live by each one daily. 

- 1 Peter 4: 8 "Above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins." 

This verse tells me that regardless of a person's lifestyle, beliefs, or sins, we are to love them.

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- 1 Peter 5: 7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

I have a major problem with allowing my anxiety to control my life. This is one of the most difficult verses for me to give into because I have way too much self-control. Through prayer and with God's help, I will overcome this anxiety, and be free by casting away the anxiety from me and giving it to God.

****

- Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." 

This verse speaks to me on so many levels and makes me emotional. God is so good. He is so good where he extended His grace to me and I am saved. He gave His life for me, a sinner. I am a sinner saved by Grace and it means so much to me.

****

- Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Without this verse, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the death of my unborn daughter. I remember this verse showing up everywhere the weekend before I lost her. That Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, the Lord showed me repeatedly that I needed Him to endure what was to come. He was the first one I turned to when my heart shattered. No one but He fixed my broken heart.

What are some of your favorite Bible verses? Why?

Direction and Purpose

I've been having a hard time figuring out who I am in Christ. I've done a lot of praying and taking time with God to figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. As I listened to the whispers of God, I heard that I have been given the gift to write for His glory. I'm meant to write about my faith and love for Jesus Christ. As well as His love, grace, and mercy for those who visit this blog. 

This blog is a spin-off from my author blog and I invite each one of you to check out the bits of inspiration there by following this link: http://raebethbuda.blogspot.com/   This blog shares my books and thoughts that spiral from the works I create. 

My plan for this blog is to keep it family oriented, but Christ will be the center of ALL the writing. So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea), sit down, and relax with me. 

Let's chat.... 

Journal Entry #1

~

Dear God,

Where have you been? 

Why did ou leave me?

I just don't understand. Life is hard right now. I've prayed and prayed for your help, but I haven't gotten an answer to even one prayer! I tithe. I pray. I help out in the community; sharing Your Word and telling people about you. Yet, here I am confused, angry, and disappointed. I'm confused because I was told that you'd always be there for me and that you have great plans for me, yet I can't pay my bills and I'm living out of my family's home. Then, I thought this move was for something that had to do with your great plan, but I find that it's been more stress, heartache, and displacement. 

The anger and hatred that flows through this home are unbearable at times. I don't understand. Why did you show me that this was part of my story and have it be a roller coaster of arguments, tears, and pain? 

I truly thought this was the best option. I thought it'd make things easier for me and my family; only to find more anxiety. I tried to push the enemy away, but he's extremely strong at times. He seems to overtake everyone here and attitudes shoot to the sky. Sarcasm overflows. The actions of those I'm around, do not reflect you and I wonder where you are. 

When tension is on the rise, I feel as if I'm alone. I don't understand it. I've been through so much in life and it seems to keep coming at me like waves in the sea; one after another. They hit so hard. Some have managed to knock me over, but I struggle to get back up and push forward. Haven't I been through enough? When will my life fall into place? When will I have the desires of my heart? 

It's to the point where I'm about to give up. I can't take this anymore. I can't take the confusion within my life and the stress. I can't take the constant emotional roller coaster that's been heavily clouding this house. Please, help me!!

Love,

Me

*****

My Precious Daughter, 

I haven't left you. Nor will I ever. I wouldn't ever forsake you, especially in this difficult time. You are so important to me and I love you. I rejoice every time I hear you telling someone about me. I rejoice when I hear you singing your praises to Me. It may seem as if I'm quiet, distant, or absent. However, that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been right beside you the entire time. I promise you that everything you're going through is worth it. Just wait...you'll see. I understand the pain and I promise you...it isn't for nothing. Everything is important and you matter so much to me. I know everything about you.I know the moment you rise in the morning, each thought that comes into your mind, and I know the words you're going to say before they are even formed on your lips. I know how many strands of hair is on your head. Even when it seems like I'm far away, I'm still with you. 

I've been trying to fight my way into the home you speak of, however, it's hard when so many are closing off their ears to my whispers. I see the tears and the heartache within the home. Believe me, I know the lies of the enemy and the temptations he creates to distract you from me. I hear the lies he's whispering. My child, call upon me when you're being tempted and I will always come to you. For I have already won that battle the day I was crucified.  When Satan is present, push the darkness away and cover yourself in the light. 

My daughter, remember you are NEVER alone. Those are just more lies of the enemy. As I have promised, I am always with you and I love you. My thoughts and blessings are poured out to you and I promise everything will fall into place when the time is perfect. Just wait and see. Don't give up. The brokenness of your family can be changed if all turn to me and push out the enemy. I can restore your hopes in your future and I can remove the pain of your heart. I can fill your life with joy and cast away each burden. I can heal you and restore you. Just open your ears to my whispers, hear my voice, and remember I love you!

Love Always,

God

Being Content With What You Have

When we try to live beyond our means and keep up with the latest things, we often set ourselves up for disappointment and un-contentment within life. I've witnessed people complain about the things within their lives when they are comparing it to the lives of others. Especially when it comes to relationships. It's not about what we don't have. It's about being grateful for the things we DO have. 

We have a tendency to get wrapped up in social media. This is a big source that feeds our discontentment. We sit by day-after-day and watch others share their lives through posts, pictures,

and updates. Most of the time, it's all just a show. No one is really that happy... right? However, that's not always true. True happiness isn't found by sharing what we wish we had or what we want. It's by showing gratitude for what we have. We allow the outlook appearances of others to shave away pieces of our happiness over time. 

Let me tell you a story:

Meet Jen. She's a successful woman who has an awesome sense of style. Her hair and makeup are totally on point. She always appears to have her stuff in order. When she shares pictures on her social media through the day, the happiness radiates from her. Her photos show that she spends a lot of time shopping and going out on the weekends. Sounds like a good life... right?

What you don't see is the nights where Jen cries herself to sleep from the lack of that someone special. What you don't see is her overworking herself so she doesn't have the dead silence of the night getting to her. What you don't see is her complete discontent for the lack of people who truly care.

Now I want to introduce Mandy. She's a mother of three and stays at home to take care of the kids. Her husband works odd hours. When she posts on her social media, she shares different accomplishments her children have mastered or the new recipe she found. She's constantly sharing different posts about her husband and her love for Jesus. However, in most of the photos she shares, you see her hair is a mess, she's wearing yesterday's makeup, and she's usually in her comfy clothes that have food stains on them from her two-year-old. Occasionally you'll see her husband post a sweet message to his wife for all that she does for the family and how much he appreciates it.

What you don't see is how overwhelmed Mandy is but loves every minute of it. What you don't see is the family meals at night and thanks being given to the Lord for providing the meal. What you don't see is the hugs and kisses which warm her heart. What you don't see is the love of having a full house and no time for herself. 

****

Honestly, we don't need it all. Most times, we need only what the Lord has provided for us. It may seem as if Jen has it all but in reality loneliness is a overbearing part of life. Mandy's life may seem like it's overwhelming and chaotic but it's full of life's biggest blessings. The moral of these stories are for us to stop comparing what we see online and start focusing on what's in front of us. Our blessings come in forms most of us take for granted. Our happiness is a moment to moment choice that we have.

 Are you going to chose happiness?

Capture Your Grief - Day 10 - W O R D S

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

I wrote this a while ago and it still rings true for me. I did some editing to the original post to make it more fitting for me today. 

You can see the original post here.

I am STRONG because at 19 years old, I gave birth to my first daughter, Emma. She cried but one time and stared into my eyes while I held her. 

I am STRONG because I gave up college for that moment in time for the life I was meant to have.

I am STRONG because, at 23 years of age, my daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder and Pica.

I am STRONG because at 25 years old, I became pregnant with my second daughter, Dakota. She was born May 27, 2013, and didn't make a sound. 

 

I am STRONG because on June 1, 2013, I buried my child, and I had never thought I would bury a child, but that my child would bury me.

I am STRONG because we didn't get to bring Dakota home. At 40 weeks 5 days, my daughter's heart stopped beating for an unknown reason.  

I am STRONG because I turned to God in my painful time and managed to continue with my life.

I am STRONG because even after our loss, we managed to try to conceive again.

I am STRONG because I have faith in God and he blessed us with our Rainbow baby.

I am STRONG because although you see me as parent with two children, I’m actually a mother of 3.

I am STRONG because parenting after a loss is tough and I AM making it!

I am STRONG because I am a SURVIVOR!!!

Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - In Honor

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

Her name is Dakota Emily Buda. She was here on earth for 40 weeks 5 days. I was the only one who truly knew her. I felt her within me for this short time, but she made such an impression on my heart, which will last the rest of my life. On the day she was born, I made a promise to her that everyone I came in contact with would know of her and what she did for me. Shortly after, I wrote her story and shared it with the world in hopes of others knowing of my precious daughter.

I often feel her here with me. I sense her beauty in the world around me. Butterflies. Clouds. Sunsets and sunrise. The birds chirping. The leaves changing on the trees. It all reminds me of her and what wouldn't be. She's everywhere to me. She helps me to slow down, to focus on what's in front of me, and to be thankful for it. She's the reason I have a relationship with Christ. She's the reason I changed my ways and continue to live with gratitude, hope, and faith.

She is the reason why I'm doing what I can to bring Pregnancy and Infant Loss into the light. Today, I'm honoring my precious angel, Dakota.

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

My intention for my life is to be more grateful in life. I can remember a good part of my life included complaints about every aspect. I unintentionally found the negative in every situation and always thought about the worse case. Since the death of my daughter, I felt overwhelmed by the sorrow in my heart and it caused me not to care for life or those around me. 

I want to continue being the grateful, happy, and joyful person I found only a few months ago. I feel as if I'm alive again and those who are around me seem to be happier with this change. I have dedicated my life to living for Christ and following His lead. 

My intention is to be a better mother, wife, and friend. In addition to being more grateful, I'm going to open my heart for total healing from our loss. I want to take our daughter's short life and make her memory sweet. I want my living children to grow knowing the right way to live. I want to find the blessing God has provided for me each and every day.

Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise.

Place - Farmington, West Virginia 5:13 am

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The start of this years healing project is different than any of the others that I have participated in previously. Two years ago when I joined in with this project, I was broken, angry, and hurt. Today, I am pieced together, happy, and joyful. Blessings have been flowing into my life and my relationship with Christ has become so much stronger within the past two years. I started seeking the Lord in 2013 when my life took that huge unexpected turn and I must say, it was the best decision I had ever made.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss my baby girl but the pain that once joined the absence of her has gone away. I fully believe the Lord has healed this pain and replaced it with a new kind of joy. I have a joy within that I never felt before. The peace I feel is one I can say I couldn't accomplish on my own. 

I dedicate this sunrise to my angel, Dakota. As I see it, I feel peace, contentment, and happiness. Deep inside, I know that's what she would want. She wouldn't want me sitting here filled with sorrow and pain. She'd want me to embrace life as it is and reach out to those who need help. She would want me to be happy. That's exactly what I am. 

The Day I Invited Jesus into my Life

Life always seems to get away from me. There always seems like there is something to worry over or something that needs to be done. I tend to be an over-worrier. I found myself worried about things that were completely out of control. I wanted and needed control of my life, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it. It seemed that when one thing fell into place, another fell out of place. It was a never ending cycle.

I have always known Christ, but in my teen years, I fell away from Him. My life, friends, and life became my first and main priority. I grew up going to a Methodist Church in Smithfield, PA where we sang songs of worship and the Pastor told his message. However, hanging out with my friends and having fun was my biggest goal. I spent a lot of time goofing off in a friends truck, hanging out in the woods, and just being. At this time in my life, I rarely thought about Jesus. I hardly prayed. I lived by the name of a Christian, however, this was NOT my lifestyle.

Now, as an adult... I can't get enough of Jesus. I want more of Him. I jump out of bed Sunday morning, rush around getting ready, and joyfully head to church. After the untimely death of my dear daughter, I had a gentle shove into Christ. He held me as I cried. He promised that all would be all right and that He was near. He promised to always hold my hand tight and walk me through any of the trials I had to face. This was when I found my TRUE best friend. 

Since I have allowed Jesus into my life, amazing things have happened. My broken heart was healed. I stopped worrying so much. In fact, I hardly worry at all. My anxiety has slowed down and only shows in my weakest moments, but Jesus fixes it for me really quick. My faith has grown and I have an amazing relationship. I found my best friend who has fulfilled the deepest desires of my heart!

Have you met this man I'm speaking of? If so, how has He impacted you? Share a testimony below. 

Faith in Action: What is Faith?

Faith.

I asked today on my Facebook page, what does faith mean to you? 

Here are my thoughts to this question:

Life. Faith to me means life. In today's world, many claim they have faith and are living a life full of faith. To some, it's a bonus to living with Christ. It's something that's optional or completely misunderstood. I have seen this. I have told others who I have seen going through trying times to have faith. They've responded, "I have faith but..."

NO!! STOP!!

There aren't any BUT'S in faith. 

When one has faith, they turn EVERYTHING, every worry, fears, and all anxiety to Him. Everything. They take their issues directly to the Lord and ask for the help, strength, and wisdom to get through whatever it is they're facing. Then, they LET IT GO!! Once you give it to God, don't look back. Don't worry about it. Don't give into the whispers to the ears from the enemy. 

Faith isn't perfected overnight. It's an ongoing process that EVERY Christian must work on. I don't believe anyone has perfect faith because if that were the case.... then, they'd be right there beside Christ. 

Faith is an important part of the life of a Christian. It's vital to our walk. My faith helps make the world around me make sense. It shows me that no matter what I'm facing, God is with me and HE knows what's going to happen, so I don't need to worry about the ending. I know this because I'm His child and He will take care of me. Everything will happen according to his plan.

Faith is my identity and way of life. I may struggle with it at times but when I catch myself not showing faith, I pull the reins and pull my faith back. 

Faith is a form of trust in the Lord when you can't actually see Him. It's given just as love is, unconditionally. 

Faith isn't stepping into a situation and having doubt. When faced with a difficult situation, one must fully rely on God. They can't claim that they have faith if they let worry, anxiousness, fear, doubt, or any other negative feelings in. When one has faith, they let go and let God. Then, they don't worry about the situation again because God WILL take care of it. 

**This is my views for now.... I may add to it at another time.**