HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
What a year this has been!! 2013 was one full emotional roller coaster and I am so happy to kiss it goodbye. For the past few weeks, my emotions have been controlling my actions and thoughts. I've been so bitter, angry, and depressed.
This really isn't who I am. I haven't been able to write or read, which I LOVE to do. I've tried everything to change my mood, but it just doesn't seem to work. I've tired to busy myself in cleaning, but that doesn't work either. I'm at the point where I really don't care what the house looks like. Right now, it's a total mess. Toys from Christmas are cluttering the living room floor, there's a basket of laundry that needs put away, a load of laundry that needs folded, and odds-n-ends laying about. I hate it, but I don't have the drive to fix this.
I honestly feel like I'm failing God by allowing this to happen. I want nothing more than to follow Jesus the best I can, but I feel that it's not good enough. I'm so lost.
I've tried to open up to those around me, but I don't think they can understand.
I feel like I have strayed from God. As an example, I let anger get the best of me and I flipped out on two people who were only trying to help me.
"OH LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! MY HEART IS BROKEN AND I'VE ALLOWED MY EMOTIONS TO CONTROL MY ACTIONS."
I believe a good bit has to do with last month not being successful with getting pregnant. I know that if another baby is in my future, I'll be blessed when the time is right, but it's so hard to have hope sometimes.
I've always been they type of person who has hope in the future when I know of what it is & when it will happen.
One thing I plan on doing is following my resolutions I've made for the New Year to the best of my ability. This way I have something to work on and look forward to. I'm sure the list (located to the left) will grow, but this is a start. I've never actually followed my lists, but I really want to try. Perhaps, if I focus on other's and be a blessing to someone else...then the pain I live in daily won't hurt so much.
I think God has a lesson for me to learn before He blesses me with my Rainbow Baby! I think he may want me to learn how to have Faith when I don't know the future or what lies ahead. I've heard myself say so many times... "How can I have hope in something when I have no idea if it will happen?"
This is the thing... THAT'S NOT FAITH!!!
Faith isn't hoping God will. It's knowing he will!
I need to learn this and truly believe it. So, that's another goal. WORK ON MY FAITH! I will push all negative away. I will not accept the bitterness, anger, hurt, or pain anymore. I will control it. Not the other way around. I'm tired of being a hostage to myself.
In closing, I pray for a joyous and happy filled new year for myself and for the person who is reading this.
What is on your resolution list?