Capture Your Grief - Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

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The writing prompt for today is on normalizing grief. Some believe that this journey is nothing but heartache and pain. I wrote a post earlier this year that I believe ties into this post. You can view it here: Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

In addition to the post, my thoughts for today are this:

Grief is what you make of it. At first, it's hard. Actually, it's very hard. When I started my journey, I felt defeated and powerless. It took me close to two years to realize that I was allowing the grief to

control my life and that's when I decided to take control. I wasn't going to submit to it any longer. Yes, my daughter was here. Yes, my daughter died. However, I didn't have to stay in the state of loss and feeling sadness over it. Instead, I pulled myself together and started honoring her life in more than one way.

The first thing I decided to do was bring to light that she existed so I needed to tell the world. I managed to do this by writing our journey in a book and publishing it on Amazon for the world to read. I figured by doing this, I'm bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, as well as bringing her story, our journey to those who are going through it too. I figured that I could help them by sharing our journey. 

The next thing I decided to do was always honor my angel with different things throughout the year. Each holiday/season, I redecorate her forever bed for her to show my love. By doing this, I'm allowing myself to acknowledge life the way it is and to express the love for her that I can't physically show her.

Each holiday I include her in some way. Most of the time, I light her candle or I sing songs that remind me of her. At times, I even have my family and friends join in.

This is my normalizing grief for me and it works for me.

If you're on this journey with me, what is it that you do to normalize grief in your life?

Capture Your Grief - Day 9 - Family.

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Today we are to share what our family looks like now. I think it's best to let the pictures do the talking for today. 

We are generally happy and we have found our joy again. We haven't forgotten our angel. We have learned to manage the pain and we learned to live. To me, Family is there for you ALWAYS! Yes, we don't always get along and we have our problems but we are always there for each other. We support one another when things get tough and nothing can destroy us.... we have Christ in the center of ours.

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - Memory.

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The one memory that has haunted me for the past two years and still hurts to this day is when I had to tell my oldest that her baby sister gained her wings. I dreaded her arrival at the hospital. She was expecting a baby sister, but she got an angel sister instead. The look in her face when realization set in tears up my heart. I wish to this day that I could have carried her heartache and I wish she didn't have to feel the loss at such a young age. 

My oldest, Sunshine, dreamed of the things she wanted to teach her baby sister. I listened to her plans and hopes. I saw her smile and her joy over sharing her bedroom with her baby sister. She excitedly helped me put the baby clothes in the dresser after they were washed. I watched her as she helped me split the room she had to herself for three years by herself to make room for her baby sister.

I also watched as joy and happiness had been stolen from her face when she realized we weren't taking a baby home from the hospital. The way she joyfully ran into that hospital room asking for her baby sister turned to fear and heartache. 

My heart aches as I remember her asking me, "Mommy, why is all of my siblings taken away from me?" or "Why did God allow this to happen to MY sister. I wanted her." She cried to me as I held her.

These are the memories I'm trying to let go of, but they seem to bury themselves deep into my soul. To this day, I pray for my daughter and her healing. I believe the loss of her sister has caused her to hate the world around her and it shows in her attitude. :(

Capture Your Grief - Day 5 - Empathy.

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Empathy is something you can't get away from when dealing with grief. Most would think any types of empathy are welcome, however, I found not all are. 

During my time of loss, I had some people think they were being empathic but in reality, they were only hurting me with their words. 

I remember someone telling me, "God needed her more." My heart skipped to my throat because I just didn't understand how people would think this would bring me comfort. Our God, the Alpha and the Omega, chose my daughter for what? What was so important that he decided to take her so young and leave me in heartache for the rest of my life? Why would God purposely take my daughter and hurt me? Isn't he a LOVING God?

It's easy to say God needed her. He didn't ask you for yours and if he did, which of your children would you give back? Doesn't sound so good now, does it?

Then, someone told me, "Maybe there was something really wrong with her. Perhaps maybe it was something you couldn't handle and God knew this." I so badly wanted to respond, "What happened to the saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle?" or "God doesn't make mistakes and there was NOTHING wrong with her. There's nothing in this world that could have happened with her where I would choose death for her over life."

God didn't need her. He didn't do this. Yes, He allowed for it to happen. This isn't something He chose, but it happened. He ALLOWED it to and not because He needed Dakota. Telling me that my daughter had something wrong with her...is wrong. Perhaps maybe something is wrong with you! 

Yes, these are thoughts I've had during the past two years. No, they're not kind but they are true. 

Then the big one... "I'm here for you no matter what!" This got to me. Many people who lost contact with me or completely ignored my existence came out of the woodwork when I lost my daughter. Many of those whom I can tell you aren't here for me today. They slowly faded back where they were before the loss. 

So, for those of you...the VERY few people who are still there... thank you. I am truly blessed to know such kind and loving souls.

Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - In Honor

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Her name is Dakota Emily Buda. She was here on earth for 40 weeks 5 days. I was the only one who truly knew her. I felt her within me for this short time, but she made such an impression on my heart, which will last the rest of my life. On the day she was born, I made a promise to her that everyone I came in contact with would know of her and what she did for me. Shortly after, I wrote her story and shared it with the world in hopes of others knowing of my precious daughter.

I often feel her here with me. I sense her beauty in the world around me. Butterflies. Clouds. Sunsets and sunrise. The birds chirping. The leaves changing on the trees. It all reminds me of her and what wouldn't be. She's everywhere to me. She helps me to slow down, to focus on what's in front of me, and to be thankful for it. She's the reason I have a relationship with Christ. She's the reason I changed my ways and continue to live with gratitude, hope, and faith.

She is the reason why I'm doing what I can to bring Pregnancy and Infant Loss into the light. Today, I'm honoring my precious angel, Dakota.

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

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My intention for my life is to be more grateful in life. I can remember a good part of my life included complaints about every aspect. I unintentionally found the negative in every situation and always thought about the worse case. Since the death of my daughter, I felt overwhelmed by the sorrow in my heart and it caused me not to care for life or those around me. 

I want to continue being the grateful, happy, and joyful person I found only a few months ago. I feel as if I'm alive again and those who are around me seem to be happier with this change. I have dedicated my life to living for Christ and following His lead. 

My intention is to be a better mother, wife, and friend. In addition to being more grateful, I'm going to open my heart for total healing from our loss. I want to take our daughter's short life and make her memory sweet. I want my living children to grow knowing the right way to live. I want to find the blessing God has provided for me each and every day.

Candle Light Wave- Stillborn Awareness Day

Candle Light Wave

October 15, 2013

This goes for all in every time zone. If everyone would like a candle at 7 pm and let it burn for an hour... there will be a never ending wave of candle light during the entire day. Please join in and share your candle via photo to these events. 

Here are a few photo's my Husband and I took in memory of our Daughter.... Dakota Emily Buda. 

**All photo's within this post are copy protected. 

Please do not save or distribute them in any way**

Sharing Our Angels

I am happy to announce that I have put up a website that focuses on Pregnancy and Infant Loss. My plan is to pack this site with useful information for those who have suffered a loss. I would love to see what everyone thinks of it.

There are several highlights to this website. I want to hear about your angels. Please take a moment to submit your story. Here is mine: http://sharingourangels.weebly.com/angel-stories.html  I'll add more stories once they are submitted.

I would love to honor your angels by adding them to the dedication page here: http://sharingourangels.weebly.com/angel-dedications.html

There will be lots of helpful pages for grieving parents and for friends/family of those who have suffered a loss.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope I see more submissions for the site soon. Have a wonderful day.

Letter to my Butterfly, Dakota

Hey Sweet Girl,

Well I finally did it. I started the website I was thinking of. I made it in memory of you. From this point on my goal will be to spread awareness about babies like you. I know I will run into some people that won't be so nice about it, but with Jesus, all things are possible. Therefore, I will reach my goal.

I'm doing all of this for you. I must admit... I am scared. It's crazy. For some reason, I'm afraid that I'll offend someone with your beautiful pictures, but I am so proud of you. I need to share you. I need to show people who you are. You're my angel, my butterfly, and the reason I have seen another side of this world that I never even thought about.... until now.

I am praying that my goals are reached and I succeed in what I'm trying to do. Dakota, my little butterfly... this is all for you.

I love you to the moon and back; forever & infinity.

Love Always
Mommy

Donate to a WONDERFUL cause.

As I was checking out my facebook this afternoon, I came across this wonderful charity that's selling T-Shirts to help give water to a family for an ENTIRE year. I think that's awesome. So, Im supporting this cause 100% and passing on the information. The T-shirt comes in several sizes for both men and women. So, if you would like to help out, please copy and paste the link below to order your T-Shirt now.

http://sevenly.org/