Eviction for literally... NOTHING

So now that all is said and done... I'll be telling all of what happened. However, I'm not writing this to put down those who had put my family in this position, I'm writing my testimony and how God worked in my life.

Here we go...

I lived in a small two bedroom apartment above my landlord's garage for about two years. Things kicked off awesome and I thought I found two new friends. Over time, one of the two changed. She became cocky and uncaring. Her children were allowed to openly disrespect me, my husband, and my kids. After much thought, my husband and I decided it was time to move, but we wanted a place where we could call home and NEVER have to worry about moving. We wanted to buy our first home. This sadly did not happen. 

After an argument one night in the kitchen with the landlord over the disrespect from her daughter's, we received a typed letter (not notarized or signed by a judge) that told us we had 30 days to move. Anxiety kicked in because this wasn't how I wanted things to end. I even went to the extent of sending apology texts to both landlords and begged for them to give us another chance. That did not work. They were sticking to the eviction. 

House hunting started immediately. That's where I felt I lived in my own prison. I was afraid to live, breathe, or even be in that apartment. Mutual respect went out the window and bitterness set in. I lived in my own wallow of pity. I constantly cried as I pack, yet another box. By this point, packing up had become my specialty since I've moved so many times in my life. I seriously wanted this place to be the last in which we rented. My attitude suffered. My emotions had the best of me and it affected my appetite. I ended up losing ten pounds during this hard time. The once always opened blinds during the day, now remained closed. I didn't want to look at the people who so heartlessly kicked my children out over an argument. No, I wasn't late on the rent. The place wasn't trashed and my bills were paid. There wasn't a legal reason for the eviction.

Apartment after house. We looked, called, and inquired. However, it was super hard to find a place close enough to my daughter's homeschool group since they are highly sought areas. Weeks were ticking by and boxes filled the place I once called home. My (at the time) three-year-old son didn't understand what was going on, which made things rough because he's unique. He has a sensory disorder and doesn't do well with quick changes. My daughter stressed that she'd have to leave the only school she fell in love with. However, I was determined to not allow that to happen. 

As I was sitting in my recliner, it dawned on me... perhaps God was needing me to do something to open the next door for us and welcome us to our next blessing. So, I got a hold of my attitude, forgave those who hurt us, and prayed. Boy... did I pray. Every second of every day. I came to call this place of my life... the "in between" stage. You know... it's that time in life where things that once was became things of the past, but the things of the future haven't quite made it to the present yet. In this stage, I prayed and held on to my faith. I knew God had something great in store for us. I just had to be still and allow Him to work.

Then one evening, my son's ex-therapist notified me of a potential home that was available. We immediately called the landlord and set up a time to see the place. This place was perfect. Set close to my daughter's school. Not in a crowded town. Off road parking with a carport. Fenced in... side yard that is safe for my son to run and play. I loved the outer appearance. 

We stepped onto the nice sized porch and into the home. Directly into the very spacious living room. It seriously was the size of two of the living room that I had in the apartment. Lamanite hardwood floors. Beautiful large windows. Perfect. Then we saw the spacious bedrooms, which were much bigger and I could even put my queen bed in the middle of the wall and still have room to walk around. In my old apartment, our bed could only be against one wall and there was a window directly above our bed, which I don't like. We walked down the hallway that went to the other side of the house when I noticed BUILT IN bookshelves!! They are gorgeous. I took this as a sign from God because He knows my passion for writing and my love of books. We stepped into the kitchen area which took my breath. It was so much bigger and I was humbled to think that we could live here. 

Once we did some talking afterward, we headed back to the old place with our hope restored. I excitedly packed boxes. There was a process we had to go through before the landlord could give us an answer, but I continued to pray.  

The application came. We filled it out and emailed it back. The landlord told us that she'd have to check my references and she'd let us know. I didn't have a worry about this because I knew God had my back and He was going to take care of us. 

Almost a week passed before we found out that we got the house!!! 

I happily carried out my boxes to the moving truck a few weeks later. Gave the apartment a good cleaning and I handed over the keys to the old landlord. The landlord checked the apartment and told us we'd have our deposit the following week. Climbing into our beat down CRV, I was elated! I could finally get away from that prison and LIVE!! So many people volunteered that day to help us move and they did so... carefully. You see, in the past, I've had so many things damaged from moving, but this one... I only lost a glass and for that I am grateful.

Now, I was unpacking with my mother's help and setting up. My daughter's sleeping issues disappeared and she enjoyed having her room again. (I'll explain this later.) My son had so much room to run, and that's exactly what he did. By late evening, everyone had left and we were officially home. Hubby had already set up all utilities and the internet so I could immediately get back to writing. As he worked on putting beds together, the kids and I helped get the cat comfortable. However, as soon as we opened his carrier, he was home and he knew it. 

Life settled in and things were coming along. We received a letter in the mail and thought it had been our deposit from the old apartment. It was and no it wasn't. You see... the landlord decided that it was her right to keep part of it because the VA helped us and paid the deposit when we first moved in. However, it was clearly stated that it was to be returned to us. Next, she explained that since our rent was due on the 1st (per our lease) that the 15 days in April were unpaid for. However, I had a receipt that proved the rent was paid and it was dated the 15th, which was when we verbally agreed on.  Then, to make matter's worse, I noticed that we were going to need to take her to court in order for this wrong to be corrected.

We gathered all paperwork and proof. 1. All paid bills. 2. Rent receipt. 3. Eviction notice. 

While we waited for the court date to approach, the Lord had a few more blessings in mind. We were planning our very first trip to the beach, which had been in the works since before we were evicted and A NEW CAR!!! My husband and I desperately needed a new vehicle, as ours was always breaking down. One evening, the horn on the CRV decided to go off on its own and that was the breaking point. God made it possible for my husband to bring home and pay for a newer Honda Civic. 

See in the midst of our storm, I wanted to give up but didn't. I threw all that had me worried and ready to break to Jesus and allowed Him to carry the burden. He worked it out for the best of my family and I totally give Him all the credit for everything we have now. I am grateful and very appreciative for everything and I couldn't thank Him enough.

****

If you are going through a trying time, please do not give up. Hold on. Pray and ask God for help. Then give it to him. We can't ask him to help if we're still standing in the way with worry and anxiety. Give it fully to him and if you feel worried again, pray. NEVER STOP PRAYING!!! Prayer works. God hears you and He loves you!!

Anxiety Isn't Forever

Sweaty palms....

Racing Heart....

Headache....

Stomach pains....

Hard to Breathe....

These are all some of the symptoms I feel when my anxiety is present, which happens

to be more than I care to acknowledge. 

I suffer from anxiety 

Full blown.

At any given moment, it surfaces and 

most times there's no reason.

I constantly feel as if I have a weight sitting on my chest...

My hands... I'm not quite sure what to do with them

I just have to move because of the overwhelming feeling, as if it might help.

I often find it worse when I'm riding, yes riding because I don't drive.. in the car.

Down the interstate.

I check my phone.

Put on Chapstick.

Play with my phone more.

Change the radio station, especially if the music is making it worse.

Most of the time, I have to remind myself...

Anxiety isn't forever.

It may be the one thing that follows me through my life

but one day... I'll be free.

Jesus promised me this.

I know that when I die and go home...

I'll be free.

Until then... 

I'll fight with every ounce of

strength I have. 

It's not over 

not now

not today

not in this lifetime.

But...

one day

I 

will

be.

Your Own Worst Enemy

Life has many ups and downs, along with twists and turns. We often
face situations that push us and try us to the point of exhaustion.

A few nights ago, I was woken up by my ten-year-old daughter who has been
having a hard time staying asleep at night. Once I gave her something to cuddle,
a drink, and another hug/kiss, I went back to my room and laid down. While I was
laying there, I quietly listened to my husband's heaving breathing, which was followed
by our son's heavy breathing. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep since I had been woken up
several times throughout the night by both kids. I decided to lay there and ponder with my thoughts. I seriously hate when this happens because then I happen to think of all the hurtful conversations, hurtful events, and the ongoing hurt from them. I think of ways
I should have responded or I think of the things I should have said. There have even
been times where the anger flared back up and sleep was pointless. My brain likes to push
the repeat button on these memories, which lead to my heart racing and me fighting not to wake up
my husband to talk. Yes, most of these memories are of unsettling events between us within the previous twelve years. 

This endless cycle made me realize something. The only reason why this spiritual battle keeps

occurring is because I have a hard time with letting go. I have a hard time just letting things lay to rest when these issues haven't been sorted through; they had been hushed and swept under the rug. I'm the type of person who needs to talk through my feelings on anything that I feel is wrong. If not, I pay for it because my mind goes through an endless amount of torture for me. Yes, my mind causes me pain. I allowed this to happen for so long.

Anway, there I was at four in the morning, laying in bed while fighting back tears while my heart

raced and my anxiety heightened. All the wronged that I had endured flooded through my veins, making my temper rise. The spiritual battle in full force.

That's how the enemy works. He will wait until he can catch you off guard so he can haunt you with all those unsettled situations that still bother your soul. Most of these nights, I cried in silence to be sure I didn't wake my family. The lies flooded my mind making me believe that I was destined to never feel true happiness because I always had these unsettled issues to be worked. 

On this particular night, I decided to head out of the bedroom. I joined my overly fluffy white cat, who was sprawled out on the sofa. By this point, the thoughts of my mind had me in a nauseating point of hurt because of all the unfinished business; the conversations that hadn't been. There I sat, thinking, hurting. Deep inside, my spirit wanted freedom and healing. However, my heart and mind wouldn't allow that because they continued to listen to Satan's lies. 

That's when I silently cried out to the Lord while looking out the window behind my couch. As I stared at the silence outside, I asked the Lord for help. I wanted to be free from the hurt, lies, deception, and pain. I asked the Lord to take control, I didn't want the job of me anymore. 

Once I did this, I learned a bit about what was happening. As I threw myself into this cycle, I never gave God the option of stepping in and fighting this for me. I was blocking myself from my own blessing. I've learned that in order for God to gain control, we have to be willing to lay it down and walk away so He can pick it up.  How can the Lord take over when we continually laid it down for a little bit and then pick it back up? If the issues are being held by us, we aren't giving God the room He needs. We need to put it down completely, turn, and walk away. No going back.

****

Are you willing to give your situation to God and allow Him to work it out through His power and authority?

Like a Child...

Parenting is a mission that many are selected to do. It's a forever mission appointed by God. As parents, we are qualified to do His bidding. We are to be the light that shines through the dark so our children can find their way. We are to speak and teach the truth. But our most important job within parenting is to pray for our children.

Over the past ten years of my parenting journey, I remember feeling like a failure when it came to my kids. At times, I even feel this way today. My oldest seems to always want her life to revolve around electronics and when she's glued to her Kindle, her attitude sucks. At one time, I felt like I failed, like my body failed when I lost my daughter in the womb and she was stillborn. I have even felt like a failure with my currently two-year-old son because he's not where the doctors believe he should be when it comes to talking.

God has spoken to me on numerous occasions in the most unexpected ways. He told me that He understands what it feels like to lose a child and gain one at the same time. I was confused by this and it took me three years to understand. He lost His child to sin but gained Him by the cross. 

He told me He understands my pain when it comes to the broken relationship that I have with my oldest. I have had the hardest time trying to connect with my daughter as she gets older. Our interests aren't the same. She loves dinosaurs and I'm clueless about them. She enjoys Pokemon and I don't even know where to begin. She hates doing her hair and I love it. She's not interested in makeup but I enjoy it. We are very different. I keep reaching out and she keeps pushing away. I try to teach her the right ways to go and it seems to flow in one ear and out the other. I try to guide, protect, and love her to the best of my ability, but she won't have any of it. 

Does this sound familiar?

Now, let me explain how God understands what I am going through as a parent. He continually loves us. There isn't a sin in this world that will stand in between the love of God and His child (You). God has given us freedom, as I have done with my daughter, to choose our own way. He gives us the opportunity for us to show Him in return the love we have for Him. However, this doesn't stop Him from pursuing a relationship with us. Just as I have done in the past with my daughter, God is doing it with us too. He reaches and we push away. He comforts and we blame Him. He wants to build a stronger relationship with us but we're nieve and think we can handle it on our own. We are His stubborn children.

Regardless of how much we push away, He's always there when the rough spots hit. That's when we seem to seek out His love, strength, and healing the most. But He wants more than that. He wants us ALL OF THE TIME. He will continue to pursue us because He knows we are worth it. He knows the ways He can teach us. He knows how He can or will use these to teach us about Himself so we can get to know Him better. He knows the ways to make us more like Him by growing the fruit of the Spirit within our hearts. We just need to open up to Him and allow Him to work. 

This is especially true when it comes to our children too. Once we fully submit to God, we can focus on our children and teach them of the love of Christ. We can trust our children to Him through prayer and by building our relationship with Him. 

He's here.

He's waiting.

Do you accept?

Come Sit. Let's talk....

Grab a cup of coffee and stay awhile. 

❤️

I have something to tell you. 

I'm talking to you.

The Mom who is stressed and depressed.

The one who tries so hard but feels like you failed.

The one who has puffy eyes with dark circles around them.

The one with spit up covering your last clean shirt.

The one who fights daily to get your child(ren) up and off to school.

The one who battles the "know it all" attitude.

I'm talking to ALL mothers at every stage of parenting.

❤️❤️❤️

This message is an important one and I pray you open your heart to receive it!

Motherhood is very rewarding and most of the time, it's a journey where Mom's wonder if they're doing this parenting thing right. At times, we lay in our beds after a very rewarding, yet stressful day, and wonder if we made any difference in our children's lives. Maybe you're worried about the news you just received and you're unsure of the steps you must take. Perhaps you feel that you need to be strong because it's the only choice you have. Maybe, you're laying in bed going over the list of things that you didn't get done or of the upsetting situation that occurred only hours before.

Can I tell you something? What if I told you that none of this matters? What if I told you that you're doing exactly the right thing and that you don't need to stress about it? 

You see life is full of its own challenges. These small bumps in the road are only meant to build you up for the greatness God has in store for you. Each one of our stories are the same, yet they're different. Motherhood has such a vast array of obstacles in it and sometimes we find ourselves comparing our parenting skills with those around us or we find ourselves weakened by these obstacles which make it hard for us to believe that we're on the right track. However, all these negative thoughts hinder all the beautiful things that we did accomplish and they overshadow the best moments.

Take a moment. Push aside any negative thought you have that are clouding your mind. Allow God to show you the moments where you made a difference in your child(ren) life/lives. I'm sure you're weakened spirit is at a weary moment right now. Maybe the beautiful moment I am referring to is that moment where your toddler stopped in mid run to turn to you for a slobbery kiss and big hug. Maybe it's that moment where your child ran into the house from the bus ready to show you all of the studying you helped with paid off with a high test score. Maybe it's the college acceptance letter that arrived in the mail. These are the blessings I want you to see and remember.

We all feel like we've messed up somewhere along the way but let me assure you...YOU ARE DOING GREAT! The enemy is whispering all these lies in your ears and I want you to know that his goal is to steal your joy. He wants you to focus on those areas in life where you feel defeated, broken, and anxious. He wants you beating yourself up because your toddler ate the crayon before you noticed. He wants you constantly feeling bad for forgetting the school lunch during a trying morning with the kids. He wants you to feel like you failed because your teen has an attitude problem and is facing hardships that only adults should be enduring.

STOP THOSE LIES IN THEIR TRACKS!

Let me tell you this....

You are worthy.

You are smart.

You are strong.

You are amazing.

You are not a failure.

You are A MOTHER!

❤️

Being a mother is such a blessing. From this moment on, I want you to focus on the part of life where you succeed and stop focusing on the "mess ups". Stop looking for the unfinished tasks from the day because you have done everything God needed you to do. He guides and gives. He loves and forgives. Therefore, you need to forgive yourself. 

You are the daughter of a King and you are worth far more than rubies. Hold your head up. Praise God for the joys of motherhood and ask Him to guide you in your moments of weakness. With Him, all things are possible. Therefore, don't shy away from Him but run into His waiting arms to be embraced by His love, strength, and grace.

Being Content With What You Have

When we try to live beyond our means and keep up with the latest things, we often set ourselves up for disappointment and un-contentment within life. I've witnessed people complain about the things within their lives when they are comparing it to the lives of others. Especially when it comes to relationships. It's not about what we don't have. It's about being grateful for the things we DO have. 

We have a tendency to get wrapped up in social media. This is a big source that feeds our discontentment. We sit by day-after-day and watch others share their lives through posts, pictures,

and updates. Most of the time, it's all just a show. No one is really that happy... right? However, that's not always true. True happiness isn't found by sharing what we wish we had or what we want. It's by showing gratitude for what we have. We allow the outlook appearances of others to shave away pieces of our happiness over time. 

Let me tell you a story:

Meet Jen. She's a successful woman who has an awesome sense of style. Her hair and makeup are totally on point. She always appears to have her stuff in order. When she shares pictures on her social media through the day, the happiness radiates from her. Her photos show that she spends a lot of time shopping and going out on the weekends. Sounds like a good life... right?

What you don't see is the nights where Jen cries herself to sleep from the lack of that someone special. What you don't see is her overworking herself so she doesn't have the dead silence of the night getting to her. What you don't see is her complete discontent for the lack of people who truly care.

Now I want to introduce Mandy. She's a mother of three and stays at home to take care of the kids. Her husband works odd hours. When she posts on her social media, she shares different accomplishments her children have mastered or the new recipe she found. She's constantly sharing different posts about her husband and her love for Jesus. However, in most of the photos she shares, you see her hair is a mess, she's wearing yesterday's makeup, and she's usually in her comfy clothes that have food stains on them from her two-year-old. Occasionally you'll see her husband post a sweet message to his wife for all that she does for the family and how much he appreciates it.

What you don't see is how overwhelmed Mandy is but loves every minute of it. What you don't see is the family meals at night and thanks being given to the Lord for providing the meal. What you don't see is the hugs and kisses which warm her heart. What you don't see is the love of having a full house and no time for herself. 

****

Honestly, we don't need it all. Most times, we need only what the Lord has provided for us. It may seem as if Jen has it all but in reality loneliness is a overbearing part of life. Mandy's life may seem like it's overwhelming and chaotic but it's full of life's biggest blessings. The moral of these stories are for us to stop comparing what we see online and start focusing on what's in front of us. Our blessings come in forms most of us take for granted. Our happiness is a moment to moment choice that we have.

 Are you going to chose happiness?

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

My intention for my life is to be more grateful in life. I can remember a good part of my life included complaints about every aspect. I unintentionally found the negative in every situation and always thought about the worse case. Since the death of my daughter, I felt overwhelmed by the sorrow in my heart and it caused me not to care for life or those around me. 

I want to continue being the grateful, happy, and joyful person I found only a few months ago. I feel as if I'm alive again and those who are around me seem to be happier with this change. I have dedicated my life to living for Christ and following His lead. 

My intention is to be a better mother, wife, and friend. In addition to being more grateful, I'm going to open my heart for total healing from our loss. I want to take our daughter's short life and make her memory sweet. I want my living children to grow knowing the right way to live. I want to find the blessing God has provided for me each and every day.

Grief Can Be a Gift...Honest..

After the kids are in bed, I sit comfortably in my overly fluffy recliner when I get my chance to relax from the long day. As I sit here, I am surrounded by different memorial items that remind me of my precious daughter, Dakota. Images of her lifeless body beautifully positioned line my walls. Angel figurines line my shelves. A butterfly wind chime hangs from the floor lamp that's surrounded with a rainbow scarf. All of these bring me to tears when I actually sit and look at them. The corner shelf that sits behind me holds the plaster molds of the only thing that makes me feel close to her...her hands and feet. I pick them up, gently hold them and caress them while wishing it was really her that I was touching. Oh, to feel her skin against mine again. My heart breaks many times over during a single day for my daughter who was taken too soon from me. At times when I am in a slump and overloaded with grief, I'll grab my phone, put my ear buds in, and play the songs I have saved under a playlist just for her. There in that comfy chair, I cry for the daughter I only have spiritually. 

Day after day, for the past year and eight months, I've mourned the loss of my daughter. I sit and wonder when will this pain end? When will I be over the grieving and the pain of her absence? 

I've lost loved ones before. However, it's completely different losing your daughter compared to an Uncle or Grandparent. Grief lingers on for years after the loss of a child. I'm well aware of this because I know other angel parents who have been on this path for sixteen or more years. Guess what, they still feel the same way they did on the day they learned of their loss. 

In society, it seems as if one is expected to feel grief and mourn for several months after the loss. After a few months, it seems as if grieving for longer periods of time is unacceptable. It's like by then the person should be over it by then. Beyond the few month mark, a lot of people go back to life the way they lived it before the loss and assume those closest to the passed, has moved on too. 

I am here to tell you that way of thinking couldn't be more wrong. The loss of a child leaves a void in your life and in your heart for years to come. I believe it'll remain there until you're reunited with the child you never had the chance to know. 

Now that a year has passed and we're slowly making our way to the two-year mark, grieving for me has went from doing it openly to doing it in the privacy of my own home. (Normally in the shower because for some reason it's embarrassing to cry for my daughter.) There are only a select few that I choose to discuss my pain and grief with now. A year ago, I was shouting it to anyone that would listen. 

Is it okay to admit that I still feel the same way today as I did on the day I found out she didn't have her precious heartbeat?

I've been praying for the Lord to ease this pain and to make the grief manageable. I ask him to make it manageable and not take it fully away because I believe with the grief, I have been brought closer to him. I believe the grief that has been given to me is....a gift. 

The shattered heart, endless tears, the endless yanking at the strings of your heart, and the screams of overwhelming pain would be something that would make anyone want to run away from. It'd make anyone want to turn away and run in the opposite direction. But if we're willing, if we are open to accepting this gift from the Lord, this gift of grief, we will discover the blessings which are hidden within the creases of grief. 

When we (human beings) were created, we were created to live in the beautiful Garden of Eden without the feelings of loss let alone any grief. We weren't designed to experience the hardship we face today. Grief tends to focus on the eternal values in life by making us remember the lessons were taught in the moments of the loss of our child. It helps us see exactly what matters and want doesn't. It tends to help us value our time here on earth and guides us to use every second with purpose. Before the experience of grief, God and Heaven seem to be in the back of our minds, buried beneath a to-do list, as well as our hopes and dreams list. Grief pushes God and Heaven to the front of our minds and we tend to focus more on Him once we have experienced loss. Loss reminds us that in our time, we will be united with our loved ones in Heaven one day. Thus, giving us hope. 

To experience grief like I have, to the extent that I have has taught me a valuable lesson and made me think of things that had never crossed my mind before. I find myself dreaming of the day I get to pass from this life into the waiting arms of Jesus Christ. I find myself dreaming of what a day that will be. I imagine how the warmth of the sun will warm me as I experience true happiness for the first time. Once again, grief is a gift.

Death tends to remind us of our time here on earth and it reminds us that life isn't promised. Tomorrow isn't promised. Therefore, in our midst of grief we long to live a full life that's pleasing to our Lord and Savior. It makes us take a look at our priorities we have for ourselves and adjust them accordingly. It motivates us to be more disciplined in Christ and live a life full of faith. Grief's gift is a reality check. 

The loss of my child took me to the end of my strength which made me rely fully on God's strength to get by. I can't stop grieving for my daughter. I feel powerless against the overwhelming feelings that I have. It's only through God's strength that I have made it this far. It's His strength that helps me face a new day and with that all the new challenges that I come across. 

I have found grief as a gift through relationships. When we experience a deep loss, like the one I did, we tend to feel needier than what we once were. Therefore, not only do we find strong relationships with those who the Lord placed in our lives, but we also build a stronger relationship with Him. Grief leads us to pray more, thus building the relationship that matters the most. My relationship with Christ. Prayer always brings us closer to Christ. It inspires us to communicate with Him, because He's the ONLY one who can comfort us the way we need. The voids we feel are filled only by Him. Although the Lord won't remove those voids from our lives, he will fill them and embrace us with his love, strength, and compassion. Grief helps us to value our loved ones who are still here with us more. It shows us that they are meant to be here with you to give you a physical sense of being and comfort. It helps us to value these people because the grief made it easy to see their value in our life. Aren't we supposed to look at others as the Lord would? Grief helps us to do that. It gives us a glimpse into how we are supposed to live life ALL THE TIME, not just in the time of hardships. 

By viewing grief as a gift, we open ourselves for the Lord and for the blessings He has in store for us!

I truly can't wait to experience the blessing of Life with the grief I will carry on until I am resting in the arms of my Savior. 

Expecting After a Loss...This is for you!

My reaction for when I first saw my son and he started crying. A moment in my life I will never forget.

Dear Grieving Pregnant Mommy,

Let me start by saying that if you haven't been following my journey you probably don't already know that I am a mother of an angel who gave birth to her rainbow baby five months ago. So, it hasn't been that long since I was where you are now. The feelings that you are feeling...yes they are normal. Quite normal to be honest. If you find yourself crying, go for it. It's okay to cry. Believe me, the pregnancy journey after a loss is an emotional on. Boy, oh boy let me tell you what a day it will be when you give birth to your rainbow baby and your precious bundle of joy is handed to you....ALIVE!!!! 

I honestly didn't think I would reach that point. I found myself thinking about how I would handle going "through it again." How would I react? Could I handle it if I lost this baby I was carrying in the same womb who failed me almost a year before? I thought about the different things I would want for his funeral that we didn't have for our angel, Dakota. I couldn't even bring myself to think of having a shower for him because I didn't want all these items sitting around my house reminding me of what isn't. Just like the same baby items sit from Dakota's shower reminding me of what we lost. 

For some reason, planning a funeral over a baby shower was easier for me. It wasn't very long ago that I was forced to have a funeral and I wasn't prepared. This time around, I was going to be prepared. I even went to the extent of having the same funeral home's number, address, and what not in my hospital bag. I had the take taker of the cemetery's number, too. I didn't make this known to those around me because all they would have said was... it's going to be all right. That's one thing that I heard, time and time again. "Everything is going to be all right. Have faith in God." 

Up until I gave birth to our rainbow, I didn't prepare at all. Yes, we ended up having a small baby shower for him. But everything sat as it was when it was carried from the car. Gift bags cluttered my living room, as well as a crib that hadn't been set up. Bottles weren't cleaned and sterile. Diapers were still unwrapped. I just couldn't bring myself to set up and prepare for bringing baby home. In all honesty, I felt as if it were going to be time wasted. 

I didn't purchase anything for our son during the pregnancy, until my husband decided to go to the all town yard sale. Of course, I dreamed of seeing my son in the different outfits, shoes, and other baby items we saw during our walk around town, but I couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. My husband on the other hand saw the need to get ready for our son. He arranged the pick up of all the clothes he purchased that day. I couldn't handle it. I walked away.

That, too, is okay. I only did what I knew I was able to handle and you can too. Don't feel ashamed for being scared. You have every right to be. You will have people telling you that you can't live in the fear or be scared to prepare for the very different future you'll be facing. However, they really do not know what we know. Right? They really haven't experienced death like we have. We are always grieving and I believe we will never stop. We know what it's like to feel death come from our bodies, which were once full of life. We know heartbreak that won't ever end.

I can personally tell you that the journey through pregnancy after a loss is another trying period within your life, but totally worth it. Believe me, my pregnancy with my rainbow was very trying. On top of all the fear and worry, the pregnancy didn't go without complications. At about seven months into the pregnancy with my rainbow, I found out that I had polyhydramnios. It occurs in about one in every 100 pregnancies. It can lead to developmental abnormalities or pregnancy complications.Of course, on top of worrying about my son and him dying before I got to meet him, I now had even more stacked against me. I had to worry about going into labor prematurely. I had to worry about a prolapsed cord during labor when my water broke. If a prolapsed cord happened, my son would be cut off from his oxygen supply and his nutrients. This scared the crap out of me. 

So, when I tell you it's worth it when you FINALLY hear your screaming baby...IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! 

***Keep a look out for my writing updates on my book, Journey to Our Rainbow (working title) here on my author blog. ***

New Year....New Hopes & Goals... Part Two

*** This post is in continuation from my previous update. ***

 

 

 

Thank you for joining me again and taking a moment to read this post. I'll be giving you a general update on Rainbow and the rest of the family.

 

Rainbow is now 4 months old and doing very well. He does have a cold and hasn't been feeling well. Thanks to this crazy weather. It doesn't help when yesterday was 50 degrees out and today it's about 20 degrees. It's freezing!!

 

Baby boy has been such a blessing. I smile each morning when I see his beautiful face. My life semi feels complete when I look at the two children I have with me. I love seeing Sunshine interact with Rainbow. She's such a good sister to him.

 

Baby boy has been laughing out loud. He's learned how to roll over onto his right side. He's tried banana's and pears at the four month mark and tolerated them rather well. At the end of the month, he goes in to see the doctor for his four month shots. So, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers until then.

 

As for me and my husband, we are doing the best we can considering the circumstances we have found ourselves in. Life is stressful but we are working together to ride the stress waves of life. The job I mentioned at the end of last year fell through. He had his start date and they called to tell him they have to wait to start him. They were put under a hiring freeze, which leaves Hubby with the crappy company he works for now.

 

Please keep him in your prayers for this job. Word is that they'll be reopening hiring at the company my husband wants to work for at the end of the month. My family NEEDS this job. My children don't see their Daddy enough and the company doesn't care for their employees. Every day that my husband works here, he's put in danger. However, he can't just leave because we will lose everything we have without him working.

 

I'm doing the best I can. I wish I had it in me to find the time to write more and be better at what I do. I have so many books in the works for my readers, which I'll give an over view of on my author blog. Feel free to take a look.... HERE.

 

I'm still breastfeeding Rainbow. We have reached our four month goal and now we have a six month goal. This has been such an amazing journey with him.

 

Besides the stress and what not of my life, I can't complain when the Lord has blessed me so much. He gave me an amazing husband. He helped me through the most difficult time in my life when I lost my daughter. Then, he blessed me with my rainbow, which I repeatedly prayed for. **Thank you Lord for being so good to me!*

 

Well, this is the overview update. I'll be back soon with another update. Please pray that I can make it to the cyber school appointment this coming Thursday, which means I have to reschedule Sunshine's appointment with the doctor but her schooling is rather important.



Catching up with the Buda Family

Whoa, the life of a mother with two children is completely different. Then add in being a full time author with it and exclusive breastfeeding. You have the formula for a very busy Mommy, which explains why I haven't wrote a post updating you until now.

So, Hubby FINALLY got the job he has been wanting for a while. They called yesterday and set up an interview for 9 AM this morning. By 9:05 he was told his first day is December 2nd!! So, now he will have more time with the kids and he will be making more on the hour.

Lots is new with the kids. Sunshine has been having a rough time in school for the last few months. Her behavior went from well behaved to excessive talking and not following directions. Not to mention that she's went from a school that didn't implement the common core math yet. So that adds to the struggle. However, we have had her in to see her doctor who diagnosed her with ADHD and prescribed Concerta. She's been on this now for a week. I'm praying this helps her out. 

Baby Boy is growing very well and is still exclusively breastfed. This is a blessing in its own because I so badly wanted this experience with Dakota. I didn't have the support that I needed with Sunshine, but my Husband is very supportive with Rainbow. He's being treated for acid reflux. The medication they gave him seems to help. I just wish there was something I could do for his gas. **Any tips would be very much appreciated.**

Right now we are planning a move, again. The home we moved into wasn't suitable for my children. So we are looking for a better home. Unfortunately, this means another school transfer may be in the future for Sunshine. 

Well, this is an overview of what's been going on. Keep an eye open for another update coming soon. 

Weekend Getaway

Women's Retreat with Noah's Ark Church from Fairview, WV

This getaway is one that I look forward to. My first year going (2013) I found that I am not alone in this world. Jesus is with me each step of the way. The first year I went was a HUGE step in the healing from the loss of our angel. My church family is an amazing group of supporters who have been there for me during this rough journey. 

This year I was blessed to be able to go again. I needed this time. My life has been crazy stressful and the women that go on this trip have a way to make life feel calmer. 

This year we based our weekend off of the following:

I was extremely blessed this year because I took along baby boy due to our exclusive breastfeeding journey we are on. Each woman there came together to make this trip extra special for me. I was able to catch up on some much needed sleep with baby boy. We normally have worship in the morning and evening, which I look forward to. When we are praising the Lord, one can feel his presence. Here's a few photo's from this years trip:

The wonderful group of women who attended.

Our home for the weekend, which is absolutely beautiful.

Let me show you around....

Here are various photo's of those who went and our experience:

Labor Day- Induction Day- My Rainbow is HERE!!!

**Very detailed and long.**

**Slideshow of the events are shown below**

The night of August 31, I had a hard time climbing into bed. Our scheduled induction was the next day and I was afraid of how things would go. The doctor’s really didn't explain how things would go and what they would do to push me into labor. I double-checked all of the hospital bags and the bags that I had packed for when we left the hospital. Baby boy and I were going to stay with my mom for the weekend so we could go to church.  

I finally climbed into bed around midnight and surprisingly I went to sleep easily. Up until that night, I had a hard time falling asleep due to being so uncomfortable. It was a nightmare trying to sleep. I would lie on my sides and my hips would feel as if a knife had been pushed slowly into them. If I tried lying on my back, the same feelings happened in my tailbone. However, the night of the 31^st into the first was completely different.

Morning came quickly. I was concerned that we would have a rough morning because my husband, daughter, and I had such a late night. I figured that our daughter would give us a fight to get up at six in the morning for our eight o’clock appointment. Surprisingly everyone got up rather easy and we almost made it to the hospital on time. The morning also included nice and strong contractions. I felt as if I was in labor but couldn't be sure, due to the amniotic fluid level being so high.

We met my mom and step-dad at the hospital. They were waiting at the main doors with a wheel chair for me. Hubby parked the car while I got comfortable in the wheel chair. By this time, I was holding back tears from fear. Fear of the unknown! My mom and daughter immediately starting carrying on and enjoying their time together. 

Hubby caught up with us and we headed up to the sixth floor; Labor and Delivery! My nerves kicked in full force and it took everything within me to hold back my tears. Fear flooded me and panic set in. I was afraid that as soon as we were ready, we would hear those dreaded words again. Deep down inside I knew baby boy was fine because I could feel him kicking, even with the contractions. We made it to labor and delivery and checked in. 

They already had my room ready and waiting. Holding back tears, I quietly listened to the nurse talk about their plan to bring baby boy safely into the world. I changed into the hospital gown and climbed into the bed. My heart beat crazily while the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and struggled to find the baby's heartbeat. My heart felt as if were going to jump out of my chest and when I didn't think she'd find it, I heard it. It was like music to my ears. 

After the monitor was completely hooked up, they started an IV with fluids and oxytocin. Shortly after they started the fluids, they checked to see if any progress had been made and where we were starting at. The contractions I had been feeling took me from 1 cm to about 4 cm before I even got to the hospital. So, my body started labor on it's own and the oxytocin was used to help speed things along. At this point, there was a lot of waiting and more of my family showing up to greet our miracle. 

Contractions came roughly every two minutes or so. I was still hanging strong with no pain medication. The doctors slowly increased the oxytocin but after about four hours, they came into my room and started checking vitals. They watched the heart monitor for baby's heartbeat. I was asked to lay on my left side for a moment and then asked to roll over to my right side. As they helped me roll over, another nurse asked me to put on the oxygen mask. The medication caused me to have back to back contractions, which caused baby's heart rate to drop. They got it back up. Docs and nurses were on it and got everything back in order. He was doing good now and had hiccups. His heart rate was about 163 now. I'm was contracting without the medicine so they kept it the oxytocin off for the time being.

Labor slowed down quite a bit with the contractions after a few hours of not being on the oxytocin, so they came back in and started it back up. At this time I was 4-5 cm dilated, 50% effaced. My main intentions with labor was to have a vaginal delivery and avoid a c-section unless medically needed. Around six that afternoon, the epidural was given to me. They allowed time for the epidural to kick in before breaking the water.

Around 8 PM, they slowly broke the water. This was one part which terrified me. I remembered the doctor mentioning at one of my appointments that with so much amniotic fluid, a prolapsed cord was a risk. The doctor came in with several nurses. They clipped the sack and let the fluid slowly drain. I was amazed at how much fluid there was. It filled two medical pads and lots of towels. As the fluid drained, I became so much more comfortable. I actually felt the pressure disappear. 

My family sat around impatiently waiting for baby boy's arrival. It got to the point where everyone began making jokes about how to get baby to come out quicker. As they were making jokes, I noticed something different around 10:30 PM. I didn't say anything right away but the pressure got stronger. I whispered to my mom, "Something is different. There's so much pressure." 

As soon as I said this, my husband ran out of the room and got the doctor. She came in and checked me.... IT WAS TIME! My breath caught in my throat at those words. I didn't think I would ever hear that again, let alone give birth. I started crying. I couldn't believe we had made it this far. I had so many people in the delivery room with me but it didn't help the spiral of emotions. 

My aunt took Emma out of the room and the doctors prepared for a baby to be born. Since our rainbow had touched so many, the delivery room was full. All of my parents were there. (Mom, Dad, Step-Dad, Step-Mom) It was a very special moment and the support I had was overwhelming. Once I was in position to push, anxiety took over. I listened to those around me and concentrated on giving birth to my son. I could hear everyone around me commenting on how much hair they could see. Then, when he was head out, I heard my family crying that he looked beautiful. The entire time I couldn't help but to think.... "Why hasn't he cried yet?" Panic set in and I started crying. The tears were from the lack of hearing my son cry and fear of loosing him in the process of laboring. 

For the first time during a labor, the doctor called my husband over (who had on sterile gloves) and told him to get ready. She explained to me to bare down and push. I did as I was told. Several pushes later, our son landed in the waiting arms of his very happy father. My husband helped me birth our son. As soon as baby boy was clear, they gently laid him on my stomach. 

It was love at first sight. I cried out..."Why isn't he crying?" as the doctors used baby blankets to rub him down and that's when I heard his precious cry. I lost it. I grabbed my son and cried out with so much joy, love, and relief. My rainbow had made it safely into this world! The entire room erupted into tears, joy, and happiness. 

At 11:02 PM on September 1, 2014 (Labor Day) Jaxson Scott Buda was born. He weighed 6 lbs 13 oz. and was 19 3/4 in. long. His cries were music to my ears and as I glared at my new baby I couldn't help but to look up to the sky and thank the Lord above for my blessing. I cried out thanking Him for our miracle!

36 Week Pregnancy Update

This past weeks appointments didn't bring much of a change since the last time I did an update. 

Last Monday's appointment went well and baby boy was extremely active for the ultrasound. He passed the biophysical profile with an 8/8. The ultrasound showed that the fluid went down a few, however, it doesn't take me out of the risk of preterm labor. It went from 29.66 to about 26. That's good. 

I had a Non Stress Test on Thursday. Baby boy was extremely active for this. He seems to hate when they have the straps on my belly. He makes them chase his heartbeat during the test with the monitor. I find it funny and I love seeing him give such a hard time. This shows me that we have a strong willed baby boy who knows what he wants. Honestly, it reminds me of our oldest daughter and her will power.

As for me, I am really not sure how much longer my body can physically handle being pregnant, which scares me. I know my doctor said that our goal was 37 weeks which is term. I have a lot of lower back and hip pain. As well as a burning feeling on the top, right side of my belly. Sometimes the pain shoots from the burning area to around my ribs, and to my upper back. Some times it's so bad it has me in tears. 

The doctor and I did discuss when we think this little guy should come into the world. If he doesn't make his appearance by the 1st of September, then I'll be induced. So, providing all goes as planned Jaxson should be here on Labor Day! 

That's the update for this week and I'll update you all at 37 weeks.... providing I'm still pregnant. 

35.5 week update

I had another appointment on Thursday. Normally, we go in just for a non stress test but this time was a bit different. The entire visit made me and my mom uncomfortable, but I'll explain that part in a minute. As for the new with baby boy, the polyhydramnios is still causing us issues. We went for the normal non-stress test, which went rather well. He was moving around and making it hard for me to sit still. The machine kept picking up his movements, which in turn made me laugh. That's when the contraction side of the test registered the laughs and documented it on the small print out. The test lasted for about twenty minutes before we were sent in for the unscheduled ultrasound. On Monday the amniotic fluid measured a slight bit higher at a 28. The doctor wanted to be sure this was accurate and wanted another ultrasound yesterday. 

Once we got into the ultrasound room and got comfy, the fluid level was checked. It measured from a 28 to a 29. Thus meaning it is slowly climbing. The doctor then decided it's time that we start talking about induction. So, when I go in on Monday, we will start the process/planning. I'll be sure to update you all as soon as I get the chance on Monday or Tuesday. 

As for why the visit made me uncomfortable.....

If you're an angel mom, you'll understand where I am coming from. If not, let me explain. It's hard to be pregnant directly after a loss, especially when you're continuing your prenatal care with the same OB office. At times it feels as if you're reliving the past with your angel. However, up until yesterday I felt okay with going to the same facility. I am normally called back from the opposite side of the room. The waiting room connects to the back of the office with two doors. One on each side of the waiting room. While I was pregnant with Dakota, they started my visit by calling me for

my appointment on the left side of the room. Once we go through the doors, my weight and blood pressure are taken. Then, I'm asked to leave a urine sample and I'm shown to a room where we wait on the doctor. It's the same procedure with baby boy, however it's on the opposite side of the office. I don't feel as if I'm reliving it. 

Yesterday was different. The nurse, who didn't introduce herself, called me back through the opposite side of the room. Yep, for the first time in eight months I walked the same path that I did with our angel baby. This immediately made me uncomfortable. The no name nurse then talked to me like I was stupid and had no clue what I was doing. She told me step by step what to do once we walked through the waiting room door. Needless to say... I felt as if I was stupid. I've only been pregnant three times and within my third pregnancy, I've been doing the same routine twice a week. I know what the heck I am doing. 

When my normal nurse takes my weight and blood pressure, she just waits for me to do my thing. There's no talking needed. I wait for the machine to clear before stepping up on it to get my current weight. Then I normally sit down, stretch out my left arm, and turn the inner part of my arm while trying to make it easier for the nurse. This no name nurse grabbed my arm and no so gently turned my arm back over. Then took my blood pressure. For the first time within this pregnancy, I was asked if I knew how tall I am. I wasn't sure. So, she made me feel stupid again by saying I should know. Then she measured my height. Once she was finished she said, "For future reference, you're 5'1", just so you know." If there wasn't a medical need to take my height, then why do it? 

She continued by saying I was there for a non-stress test and she continued to explain how it worked. All the while I'm thinking... "Did she even read my chart? She should see that I've been doing non stress tests for the last month each Thursday." I tried to inform her that my doctor also wanted me to have an ultrasound. That's when she made me feel as if I was a liar. She looked at the print out in her hand and said, "Well, you don't have one scheduled, so I'll have to see about that." Okay no problem. Do what you need to do. She directed me to a restroom so I can do my thing there and showed my mom and husband to the Non-Stress Test room. 

I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom overheard this nurse talking to the woman who oversees the NST's saying, "She claims they want her to have an ultrasound. I'll have to check that out." The other woman agreed. They both came off as if they didn't believe what I was saying. So, that ticked my mom off and it instantly put her in a bad mood. I could tell the vibes weren't so nice when I walked into the room and sat down. The woman who looks over the tests didn't say a word to me while she hooked me up. Usually we made small conversation and it is rather pleasant. However, this time I felt as if I was an inconvenience. Praise God that the test went quickly and my doctor showed up.

She announced in front of both of the women that if I'll follow her, she'll get me in for the unscheduled ultrasound she wants me to have. I exhaled and a bit of relief came over me when she said that because then I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. My doctor kindly asked for us to follow her to the ultrasound room and discussed everything with the ultrasound tech. From that point on, the appointment went up hill. 

However, the way I was made to feel makes me reflect back on one thing. Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that well. I rolled out of bed after a night of fighting to sleep. My lower back and right side was hurting because of all the pressure. So, in reality I didn't feel like doing my hair or make up. I didn't have a cute outfit on. I had a t-shirt with a pair of yoga pants. I looked the way I felt... like crud.

This goes to show that appearance has a lot to do with how you're treated in public. For each appointment I have been to, I have always had my hair done and so was my make up. I also tried my best to dress somewhat presentable. However, yesterday I did none of this. Normally, I'm treated with the utmost respect. The one day I go in looking less than presentable, I am treated like crap. 

So, for those of you who work in the health field with pregnant women, please remember that even though they may NOT look presentable in your eyes, that doesn't mean you can treat them any different. As a matter of fact, it shouldn't matter what they look like regardless. 

In the end... our graves will look the same. A six foot hole in the ground! Everything in this life, materialistic wise, doesn't matter. It's what is on the inside that matters. Remember before you judge someone, be sure you're perfect and free of any flaws!