Idea's for keeping a journal...

I'm a BIG fan of journaling. 

You could say that I collect them just to have, but

sometimes I actually USE them for their intended purpose.

If you've been following me and what I do... then you know I'm

a writer/author by trade.

Yes, I'm serious...

No, really...

Look me up on Amazon.... 

See... 

Told ya... LOL

Anyway, as an author I know and have heard many times while

I write Heavenly Realities: Stumbling toward Gratitude ... 

"Oh, I can't write in a journal. I'm not cut out for it like you."

OR

"I don't have the time."

I'm here to tell you...

Yes, you can and yes, you do!!

Over time I have realized that my biggest road block in writing

is not knowing what to write. Well, that is one reason why I decided to write 

Stumbling Toward Gratitude and this very post.

See, I'm going to share with you the ways I've used my own journals so you can

start one of your own. I can honestly say it's the best thing I have ever done!

When I take

the time to journal,
I'm giving myself the gift of me time.
I'm allowing myself a chance to breathe and just be.
I dedicate a half an hour before I laid down each night
to writing in my journal. This helps wind down and
it gives me a clear heart before bed.

Therefore, I decided to give you some of the same
ideas so you can take some time for yourself.

So here we go...

****

1. Prayers

We often have such a busy schedule and
a good bit of the time we don't set aside time for God. By keeping a prayer journal that
we devote our time to, we are giving ourselves time with God.

2. Gratitude

With a gratitude journal, write down three things
that you are grateful for that happened during that day.
(Check out Stumbling toward Gratitude to help you
with writing prompts.)

3. Praise Journal
(One of my favs)

In addition to gratitude, we can write down
the positive things that happened during the day.
This is a good way to focus on the good and not
the bad. 

****

I hope these ideas help you and you'll consider doing something for yourself and starting a journal. In our busy lives, we deserve the down time.

***
How else might you consider using a journal?

Journal Entry #1

~

Dear God,

Where have you been? 

Why did ou leave me?

I just don't understand. Life is hard right now. I've prayed and prayed for your help, but I haven't gotten an answer to even one prayer! I tithe. I pray. I help out in the community; sharing Your Word and telling people about you. Yet, here I am confused, angry, and disappointed. I'm confused because I was told that you'd always be there for me and that you have great plans for me, yet I can't pay my bills and I'm living out of my family's home. Then, I thought this move was for something that had to do with your great plan, but I find that it's been more stress, heartache, and displacement. 

The anger and hatred that flows through this home are unbearable at times. I don't understand. Why did you show me that this was part of my story and have it be a roller coaster of arguments, tears, and pain? 

I truly thought this was the best option. I thought it'd make things easier for me and my family; only to find more anxiety. I tried to push the enemy away, but he's extremely strong at times. He seems to overtake everyone here and attitudes shoot to the sky. Sarcasm overflows. The actions of those I'm around, do not reflect you and I wonder where you are. 

When tension is on the rise, I feel as if I'm alone. I don't understand it. I've been through so much in life and it seems to keep coming at me like waves in the sea; one after another. They hit so hard. Some have managed to knock me over, but I struggle to get back up and push forward. Haven't I been through enough? When will my life fall into place? When will I have the desires of my heart? 

It's to the point where I'm about to give up. I can't take this anymore. I can't take the confusion within my life and the stress. I can't take the constant emotional roller coaster that's been heavily clouding this house. Please, help me!!

Love,

Me

*****

My Precious Daughter, 

I haven't left you. Nor will I ever. I wouldn't ever forsake you, especially in this difficult time. You are so important to me and I love you. I rejoice every time I hear you telling someone about me. I rejoice when I hear you singing your praises to Me. It may seem as if I'm quiet, distant, or absent. However, that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been right beside you the entire time. I promise you that everything you're going through is worth it. Just wait...you'll see. I understand the pain and I promise you...it isn't for nothing. Everything is important and you matter so much to me. I know everything about you.I know the moment you rise in the morning, each thought that comes into your mind, and I know the words you're going to say before they are even formed on your lips. I know how many strands of hair is on your head. Even when it seems like I'm far away, I'm still with you. 

I've been trying to fight my way into the home you speak of, however, it's hard when so many are closing off their ears to my whispers. I see the tears and the heartache within the home. Believe me, I know the lies of the enemy and the temptations he creates to distract you from me. I hear the lies he's whispering. My child, call upon me when you're being tempted and I will always come to you. For I have already won that battle the day I was crucified.  When Satan is present, push the darkness away and cover yourself in the light. 

My daughter, remember you are NEVER alone. Those are just more lies of the enemy. As I have promised, I am always with you and I love you. My thoughts and blessings are poured out to you and I promise everything will fall into place when the time is perfect. Just wait and see. Don't give up. The brokenness of your family can be changed if all turn to me and push out the enemy. I can restore your hopes in your future and I can remove the pain of your heart. I can fill your life with joy and cast away each burden. I can heal you and restore you. Just open your ears to my whispers, hear my voice, and remember I love you!

Love Always,

God

a prayer for those who feels defeated, torn down, or sad

Life is hard. At times, it can be truly overwhelming and can try to break us down. 

We may be but into a position where emotions run while and voices are silent. 

Our internal selves are crying, but we remain silent. 

Our concerns in life matter to God. We only have to turn them over to Him in prayer and He will take it on. He's here with us, regardless of what's going on. 

In Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) it says, "Be strong. Be courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

So, here's my prayer for those who feel defeated, torn down, or sad! 

Father God,

Thank you for all that you do. For providing us with all of our needs and for always being there when we need You. You are an amazingly loving and forgiving God. You are great and joyful.

I come to you today to pray for each person who reads this; for each person who feels as if their at the end of their rope. I ask that You extend your grace to them, Father. You promised that you'd be with us and for us to cast all our worries to you, Father. We are here to do just that.

Help each person who feels defeated, torn down, and saddened by the circumstances they are facing. Lift their spirits and calm the soul. Increase their hope in You by performing miracles in their lives and blessing them in ways they need.

Strengthen them and renew their hope. Show them You are there with them and haven't left them. 

-In Jesus' Name-

~AMEN~

New Year....New Hopes & Goals... Part One

Life has it's ups and downs. This is one thing we all learn along the way. For some it's later in life and for others, they learn this the moment they leave their parents home to journey out on their own in this crazy thing we call LIFE! For me, I have had the blessing of learning this young and it's made me who I am today.

 

I see a lot of the "Happy New Year, this year is my year!" or "New Year, New Me." posts on different social media. I'm not one of these people because I'm up for the rollercoaster ride that life has in store for me in the year of 2015. I do know that 2014 wasn't anything that I was expecting when the year first came in. 2014 took me and my family on one heck of a ride. At times it was so stressful, I was close to throwing in the towel and giving up. However, that's not me. I don't give up easily. I am a fighter and will always be.

 

So here I am to give you ANOTHER update on the home front with my family. Where do I start? The past six months have been one hell of a mess but I've kept holding on. One thing that you will learn if you just recently found my blog, is that I do NOT sugar coat anything, nor do I hold back. I'm very real and I'm not one to hide how my life is. I am not a person who tries to make my life look perfect on the internet, while my life is actually falling apart. Some may look down on this type of behavior, but I'm an Author. I'm a public figure. My readers love the fact that I am REAL. I do not write to impress. I write to express and that's what I am going to do today!

 

First up, my oldest daughter, Sunshine! Man, oh man has she been through A LOT within the past few months and that makes me feel like crap. I wish I could give her the easy way of life. You know...the type of life where things come easy and it's not that hard. The type of life where vacations exist and you get everything on your wish list at Christmas. But... that's not teaching her anything. Is it?

 

In my previous post about Sunshine, her doctor diagnosed her with ADHD. She was on the medication Concerta for two months. During this two months, it was hard for her. She had trouble sleeping, no appetite, and her behavior was worse. When brought up to the doctor about these changes within the first month, he suggested that it was because of her body getting used to it and to keep going for another month. So we did. The side effects continued. By the two month mark, she had lost almost fifteen pounds. Her clothes which used to fit snugly had started to literally fall off of her. She refused to eat the little bits of food that she does. This Momma got scared. Something had to be done. I wasn't liking these changes at all.

 

Not only was she being affected physically, but she was also going through a lot emotionally. Sunshine has always been strong willed and very out spoken emotionally. The Concerta changed this for the worse. She became very emotional and mean. Her attitude and her behavior could make a grown person cry. Her grades have even been hit by this change. She went from a high honor student to struggling. I had enough and told her doctor that she wasn't doing well on this medication. I told him that I wanted her off of it and something else done.

 

He agreed. I immediately stopped the medicine. She has slowly started to show signs of the pre-medication little girl. She still has some of the issues that she had prior, but their not as bad. She's eating again and gaining the weight back. Now, her doctor has referred her to a Psychologist to see if maybe it might be something bigger than just ADHD.

 

In addition to the doctors appointment, we have also decided to enroll her into cyber school. Therefore, I have a meeting coming up with PA Cyber so we can have her enrolled. Hopefully this will help her and give us the ability to help her as well.

 

This is part one... I'll keep you all posted on Sunshine as much as I can. Please keep her and my family in your prayers!

 

 

 

*** To finish reading, please refer to part two of this post. ***

 

Stressed Beyond the Max

Let me say this... when pregnant think twice about moving. The stress of a move will put you on the edge no matter what you try to do. Then when you do plan to move, be sure it's not in a hurry. My family and I are going through a lot of stress right now. Let me fill you in a bit. (Which I must say to me is a bit embarrassing but as you all know.... I keep no secrets.) 

The move that I did recently was a forced move. My old landlord was just plain out MEAN! My daughter wasn't allowed to be a child and actually have fun outside. We would constantly be yelled at for things that were out of our control. In the middle of June this landlord told me that after our baby is born we would have to move. So, my hubby took matters into his own hands and began the search for another place. This gave us a total of two weeks to pack and move. He did find a home for us temporarily. What he didn't know... is the problems that came with it.

We moved from an apartment that had two bedrooms, a bath, living room, and kitchen. It was two story and spacious. The move was to a smaller trailer in the county where I grew up. I was happy to get away from Cruella de ville and for my Sunshine to FINALLY be able to be a kid. What I didn't know... was that I wouldn't be as happy as I thought. 

As we moved in work was being done on the pipes because the previous tenants broke them, as well as the steps. So the stairs had to be redone. All the while I am trying to make this smaller place into home. I've been here for a week and it still doesn't feel like home. 

I haven't really slept much within the past week. I'm dealing with a lot. I don't like this place I'm in now and can't wait to find another that is more suitable for my children. The pipes under the trailer aren't connected properly so water gets under the trailer, which attracts flies and gnats. The toilet isn't working right. It seems like one problem after another. 

However, we put in every dime we had in order to do this move, so we have to make the best of this while Hubby and I save up the money to move AGAIN! 

Well, this is the update on our move. I'll update you all on Jaxson in another post!!! 

A Grief Journey..... Delayed by Faith and Saved by Hope

I never expected that I'd be an angel Mom. In all honesty, who does? When our Dakota gained her wings, I had carried her for 40 weeks 5 days. The emotional roller coaster that I went through is hard to explain. I went through periods where I was content with what happened. Then on other days, I hated the fact that I was chosen as an angel Mom. I went through periods of time where I didn't want to get out of bed and times where I felt as if I could run a marathon. 

Through the entire journey, I held tightly to my faith that there is something in store for me. Something to bring back the joy, love, and peace within my life. The miracle of life would do this for me. I've referred to my miracle as my rainbow since my doctor gave me the clear to try for another baby. Rainbow baby is a term not many know. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss. This can be either a pregnancy or infant loss.

I had been grieving for our daughter for the total of eight months when I learned my prayer had been answered. I was pregnant with my rainbow. This pregnancy has been an emotional journey for the past six months. I'm on an emotional overload. I'm still grieving for the child I lost while trying to cope with the fact that I'm pregnant. I try not to allow fear to overcome me but I am only human. I'm scared we will face another loss at the end of this pregnancy. There's no safe zone for us. I have heard so many people say that if they could just get past X weeks, then they would know all would be okay. But what happens when you're baby passes at birth? What happens when you give birth to death?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not in any form saying I regret becoming pregnant with our son. (Who has a name and it'll be announced when the time is right.) He's been such a blessing because I am taking each ache and pain with pride. I love them. Yep, you read that right and no, I'm not crazy. Before our loss I took advantage of the fact that I was pregnant. It never occurred to me by how blessed I really was. I was always so sour. I never felt the need to start a pregnancy book or take weekly photos. As a matter of fact, I have the total of three pregnancy pictures with Dakota. All of which I dislike the way I look because I seem so unhappy. 

Now, our son makes me see things differently. I've tried to keep up with the photos. In the beginning of the pregnancy not much has changed, therefore not many pictures can be taken. But I am now to the point of where I can no longer see my feet, stand too long due to swelling, and I'm ALWAYS hungry. 

I am now 24 weeks pregnant and loving every minute of it. I believe I wouldn't be where I am at when it comes to my grief if it weren't for me being saved by faith and hope. I believe I may have slipped into a dark place and stopped living. So, I wanted to give a small bit of hope to those who are still trying to conceive. Never give up and loose faith. You're hope for a rainbow is there and you will once again feel the joy life has to offer! 

Let Me Pray for YOU

The holidays are quickly approaching. You've probably already noticed stores putting out decorations and even playing holiday music. You probably see some of your friends who have put up their Christmas trees and are excited about the upcoming holidays. You may have noticed many people talking about holiday shopping. Social media and news outlets are jumping at the chance to share crafts for the upcoming holidays or deals that are quickly coming.

The excitement is already beginning.... for them.

As for me, it's not so much the same. I am not looking forward to the holidays. This year is quite different than normal. I am missing one that I love. I am grieving for one that I didn't get the chance to meet. I have a feeling that this is my new normal. I will always wish our Dakota was here to share these holidays and be part of our memories.

I know that I am not the only one who will be having a hard time coping with the holidays. 

Perhaps you're that person I am referring to. Or maybe it's a close family member. Maybe it's a dear friend of yours. 

Maybe the loss is because of cancer.

Perhaps it is because of stillbirth or miscarriage.

Or it could be from the loss of a job. 

The holiday season is hard and very emotional for many. 

No matter what your situation is....

CAN I PRAY FOR YOU?

If you would like me to pray for you, please leave a comment below with as little or as much as you would like about your situation. 

Then, tonight pick one person off of the list and pray for them too.

Just imagine what this world would be like if we all started to pray for each other? Wouldn't be amazing to see God's work everywhere this holiday season? 

I'll be sitting down at night in my quiet bedroom while I pray for each and every one of you who post below. God Bless and I pray that each person who doesn't comment will find it in their hearts to pray for someone who did comment. 

One Step Closer....

As I am writing this post, I have a tear rolling down my cheek. I am hurting. I had no choice but to do something I wasn't truly ready for. I did it for my oldest daughter, who needed it done. She was going to share her room with our precious Dakota, therefore the nursery side of the bedroom was still together. It looked the same way it did when my husband and I put it together.

Emma came to me and said.. "Mommy, you know all the baby stuff in my room? Could you do something with it? It hurts to see it while falling asleep and that's why I don't play in there anymore. It reminds me that Sissy is in heaven and not here."

This broke my heart. "Of course" I told her with the best smile I could muster. I gathered my cleaning stuff and extra garbage bags. Then, headed upstairs. I cried the entire time. Each shirt I put into a bag, each bib, every blanket.... a tear fell for each.

As of today, the nursery doesn't exist. It's gone. My daughter has her space back. Everything but the crib is going into storage until we need it again.

The "Nursery" Side.... GONE!!!

I just want to scream! I am in so much pain. I never imagined when I put the crib bedding in... that a baby wouldn't sleep on it... Dakota wouldn't use it! 

Lord, I pray... take away this unbearable pain. - Amen!

Prayers Needed

For all those out there willing.... please add me to your prayers. I've been in pain for the past day over my teeth. My fiance is calling around to see if he can get me into a dentist. I need all of my teeth pulled at the age of 24. The pain is too much. As I'm writing this, I am looking at my screen through tears. I'm asking for everyone to pray that I get the help that I need when it comes to getting this taken care of.

Thank you very much.

Block in The Road to My Smile

I previously posted that I was going to the dentist this past Friday. I wanted to keep my friends and family updated with my blog. So, here's the latest update.

I woke Friday morning and decided to double check the Aspen Dental website to ensure that I had all needed paper work for the appointment. As I was checking this out, I noticed a Questions and Answers page that I didn't notice before I made my appointment. As I was reading over this page, I noticed that it said they didn't take my "insurance". In fact, they don't consider state benefits as insurance. I had no choice but to cancel with them.

I decided that I would call the insurance company to see what dentists took this coverage. This way it'd save me time and in the long run gas. I found out there's two in my area that accepts it. That was good news. But the young lady I spoke with wanted to go over the coverage with me. She told me that I have the lowest benefits a person could have. This means, that no matter what dentist I go to, getting my teeth done wasn't going to happen. They only pay for examinations every 6 months and basic root canals. Well, if you know my situation, this isn't what I need. I need more than that.

So, now I have to fill out a paper to send back to the assistance office to see if they can help me any further to have my teeth fixed before they kill me.

If you don't really know how bad my teeth are... let me explain...

I am not a doctor so these are only guesses... I suffer from depression and anxiety disorder. I do believe this was caused because of how I feel about my appearance when it comes to my teeth. My body hurts. I feel tired all the time. And my face just doesn't feel quite right. I am in constant pain. It doesn't stop with any over the counter pain meds. I am on a liquid diet which means soups for me. I mainly drink coffee, milk, and tea to help with the hunger. (There's only so much a person can take of soups).

So, there you have it. The wonderful update. Thanks for reading.