Come on in!

I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Letter To My Husband – Couldn’t Be More Thankful!

I want you to know that being your wife has been one of the greatest gift God has ever given me. Not only because of how happy you make me, not because of the wonderful ways in which you love me, but because of WHO YOU ARE. You are defined by kindness, trust, and commitment. Those aren’t things you have to strive for, those are things that come so easy to you because they are written on your heart and are a part of your very soul. There aren’t enough words to express how thankful I am that I get to be the person you share your life with. You chose me at a time when I was so low. God knew what He was doing when He gave you to me. He knew you would be everything I ever needed and more.

I stop and think about all the memories we've made, the good times and the bad that we've shared, and the love between us keeps growing. You are not only my husband, but my best friend and soul mate. You are a blessing from above - one that I do not take for granted. I thank you for all the things  you've done for me and the kids. Not only are you a wonderful husband, you're a terrific father, provider and caregiver. You give so freely to all those you know in such a loving way. Your generosity is inspiring! I love you more than words, more than life. I'm forever grateful for your love and proud to be your wife. 

I want you to know that I am thankful for all the work that you do! I know you are working so much where we barely see each other, but I know you are providing the best way you know how for our thank you! Thank you for being such a hard worker. You are doing such a great job of balancing work while getting us into our new home.

Seeing you work so hard has really made me fall in love with you all over again! I guess it’s because you’re so passionate about the things that you do I can’t help but love you more and more.  I love just hanging out with you! I love knowing that we can do get time together, we have fun, laugh together and we don't take things too seriously!

I am so thankful that Jesus brought us together and is what makes our marriage work. Keep loving Jesus and we’ll always be right where we are supposed to be! I love the way you keep going after what God has called you to and look forward to the many adventures that come with that perseverance. I’m ready to follow you wherever God leads you!

I love you because every day you are trying to get to know me better and in the midst of that I get to know you better. I love how you cuddle me every night so that I can sleep. I love the fact that you are always thinking about me. I love that most days you come home and the first thing you do is greet our precious children. I love that you listen to me and that you really do appreciate my feedback and point of view, even if you're not showing it by words. I love that you challenge me to be better at the things that I enjoy doing and how you push me to get better at the things I’m not too good at.

I love that you love me. I absolutely love seeing you with kids (and have come to accept the fact that they love you more than they love me)! There is a special side of you that comes out when you’re in the presence of our babies. It’s like you’re more in tune with them and I know that you are a magnificent father!

I love your hear. I love your strength. I love your determination. I love the fact that you know so much about so many things. I love that you are such a kid at times. I love the fact that you are an honest man. I love that you fight for our marriages because I know that I will always be fighting for it! I love that divorce is NOT an option and that there will never be a reason to think that it is! I love that we make our own traditions. I love that we are good at road-trips and we both like to travel to new places!

I look forward to our lives together for many, many more years. I promise to always love you, even when I may not like you. I promise to try to do everything without complaining. I promise to always think of you first and to honor, respect, and pray for you. I love you and am so thankful that God made a way for us to be together!  Thank you for being my knight in shining armor and treating me like a princess. Thank you for supporting me and praying for me and for being a FAR MORE ABUNDANTLY better husband than I could ever have imagined! I love being your wife and always will!

 Loved By Me Always,
Your Wife- RaeBeth

This is what true love looks like!!!

Monday, November 24, 2014

Parenting a Child with ADHD: Part One

Recently we took Sunshine to the Doctor to have her evaluated for ADHD. What brought us to this decision included several factors that we had noticed over time. Of course, some of these are getting worse and new problems are arising.

Back in June, we were told by our old landlord that she was going to make us move after Rainbow was born. I didn't like the idea of having to move right after giving birth. When we told us this, there was two weeks left with the month. Now, up to this point, Sunshine had been doing very well in school. She made highest honors and was a well behaved child.

The sudden move left us in a tiff. The home we moved into was by no means acceptable for my children. Some have called me ungrateful for this, but I only want the best for my children. (I explained part of the situation here) Sunshine's behavior changed. We were getting letters from the school just about everyday. She would be getting into trouble for excessive talking and not following directions. In addition, she'd also be bringing home failing grades. This blew me away. She was a straight A student at her old school.

In the past, I thought ADHD was apparent since some things react differently with Sunshine. When she has sugar, she'll go to sleep easier. But give her something for sleep and it makes her hyper. We took her into the doctors at the beginning of the month and they did in fact agree with me. She has ADHD. Over the past month, she has been taking Concerta and we have adjusted our lives for her. So, here I am to help any other parent who may think their child has ADHD.


First and foremost, handle it by keeping calm. Yelling and screaming isn't going to solve anything. In fact, it'll just add to the stress of the situation. Arguing will no get anything accomplished. Give them time to talk and express their feelings to you. If they don't want to talk, suggest for them to draw or write in a journal. This will help them channel their feelings and express them in a healthy way.

Create a well structured environment. Routines and expectations should be made clear and if the child breaks any such rules, the punishment should be fitting. Be sure to make the rules clear. One way to do this is to write them down on a rule chart and hang it where your child can see it at all times. When giving your child instructions to do something, keep it at one thing at a time. Kids with ADHD seem to get overwhelmed easily. If you're trying to get them to do their chores, focus on one at a time. Working as a team instead of against each other helps, too.

When the said child is doing the tasks at hand, give praise for a job well done. Most likely, this will encourage the calm and inviting atmosphere. As an example, my daughter knows that when she comes home from school, she is to start on her homework. This is usually a task all on its own. When she has homework that she doesn't understand or she's brought home a bad test score, I don't tend to yell at her. I go through each problem with her and we find the mistake together. There's also an hour of study time in the evenings to help with her grades.

Well, these are what I have for now. As we go further into this journey, I'll update and post any other tips that I find.

Still in Disbelief- Disrespect as it's MAX

One thing that I have been boiling over and can't seem to let go is when a man allows his best friend to openly disrespect his wife! Yep, you read that right. I am that woman who was recently disrespected by my husbands best friend. Every marriage will have it's ups and downs! I feel that if a man loves his wife, he'd do everything to protect her. He would NEVER allow someone to do this. 

My husband and I were having a typical argument within our marriage. Things were said that we didn't mean. It even came close to one of us leaving. However, this didn't concern my husbands best friend. 

On the 9th of November, I was getting my son ready for church when I got these messages from my husbands best friend:

Let me explain what is being talked about: This friend (which I'm going to name Donkey) needed a ride to pick up his car in another state about an hour away. My husband did not tell me that he agreed to help until just a few minutes before Donkey showed up. I had made plans with Sunshine for the day where she'd be able to spend it with her Daddy. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Not only that but Hubby left here and forgot some VERY important things that I needed for the kids. Of course this didn't leave me happy.

Now, as for the kids. Up to this point, I felt as if my Husband didn't want our marriage any longer. However, this wasn't anyone's concern, except for ours. We have had fights before and my emergency plan is to go to my Mothers. Of course I would take my children with me because their father couldn't have them with the way he works. He works too much to give them the proper attention. Where this is Donkey's business??? Beats me! 

Needless to say I followed his advice and removed any and ALL contact I had with him. Not only was he supposed to be my husbands friend, he was supposed to be mine as well. Here I am thinking I am being a friend to him when I am keeping a secret of his. She's pregnant after a miscarriage, so I didn't want to add any more stress to her. 

When I addressed this situation with Hubby, he told me that Donkey was allowed to have his own opinion. He said that this was okay. WHAT!!! How in the world is it okay for him to talk to me like that? I'm writing this post because it hurts me. To this day, Hubby still talks to Donkey like nothing happened, all the while I'm still hurting over what was said.

1. I am a very loving and caring person. Example: I opened my home to Donkey on multiple occasions when he had no where else to go.

2. Sorry, Sir but it seems as if you have a thing for drama. If you truly knew me, you'd know that I am the type of person who avoids it at all costs. I have my own drama in my life... I don't need you adding to it. 

3. If you are going to tell me what my God thinks of me... perhaps you should get it right! Go read the Bible and then come talk to me. My God is a very forgiving God and doesn't hold a grudge. He knows that his people will have attacks on their marriages from Satan. However, since we turned to the Lord once again, we are doing just fine.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Unintentional Hurt Husbands cause their Wife

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church" (Eph. 5:25).

Being married isn't easy. It's not the fairy tale you once believed as a child. There really isn't a happily ever after. Once two people become one, this is just the beginning. Marriage is a lot of work. I have been married for two years now and there has been a lot that has worked against my marriage. One thing is how my husband tends to indirectly hurt me without realizing it. I believe that many couples have these issues, therefore I am here today to put it out there for the husbands on how to better your marriage with your wife. The perfect marriage isn't out there, although we all would love that.

1. Cutting off in mid-sentence: Cutting her off while she is talking gives the appearance that you really aren't interested in what she has to say. It is disrespectful in all ways. When she's cut off, she may not voice it, but it really bugs her. Let her tell you her thoughts and LISTEN while she talks.

2. Corrects her when she's speaking: This could be cutting her off while she's talking because you've caught a mistake within whatever it is that she's talking about. It could also be finishes sentences when she's talking to someone. It can be speaking for her in the company of others. It's demeaning and can make her feel devalued when you present her to others.

3. Admires other women over her: She watches you and you're watching someone else. This makes her feel as if she doesn't catch your eye anymore. This can also lead into her thinking you may have been unfaithful, even though that may not be the case.

4. Act suspicious or secretive: Keeping your phone close at all times. Cleaning out every piece of you phone, examples are recent calls, text messages, internet history, etc. This makes her feel as if you're hiding something from her.
Another is walking away to talk on the phone and hanging up just as she walks into the room. Then she asks who it was...without realizing it you answer with an attitude. Again, this makes her feel as if you have something to hide
5 "I Don't Know": The ultimate answer to every question. This is one answer wives don't want to hear. If you're looking to start a fight or upset her, answer each question with it. When a husband answers with I don't know, they are giving the impression that they are not interested in what is being talked about or you just don't care. Try to give answers that contribute to the conversations. That way when you really don't know, you can say it and it won't come off as the above.

6. Not Standing Up: Under ALL circumstances, husbands should stand with their wife. No one should be able to openly disrespect your wife in ANY way. Yes, the entire world is entitled to their opinions, but when it's against your wife...stand by her. It doesn't matter if it's your best friend. Your wife's value is much more than a friend that can one day go away. No one should be able to openly disrespect your wife.

7. Keep Marriage problems within the marriage: Yes there is a difference between asking for advice or complaining. When you have an issue with your wife, talk to her about it. No one else should take her place. She's your other half and in the eyes of God, you are one. This just opens up the marriage for more problems.

***If you have anything to add, please do so by commenting below.***

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Catching up with the Buda Family

Whoa, the life of a mother with two children is completely different. Then add in being a full time author with it and exclusive breastfeeding. You have the formula for a very busy Mommy, which explains why I haven't wrote a post updating you until now.

So, Hubby FINALLY got the job he has been wanting for a while. They called yesterday and set up an interview for 9 AM this morning. By 9:05 he was told his first day is December 2nd!! So, now he will have more time with the kids and he will be making more on the hour.

Lots is new with the kids. Sunshine has been having a rough time in school for the last few months. Her behavior went from well behaved to excessive talking and not following directions. Not to mention that she's went from a school that didn't implement the common core math yet. So that adds to the struggle. However, we have had her in to see her doctor who diagnosed her with ADHD and prescribed Concerta. She's been on this now for a week. I'm praying this helps her out. 

Baby Boy is growing very well and is still exclusively breastfed. This is a blessing in its own because I so badly wanted this experience with Dakota. I didn't have the support that I needed with Sunshine, but my Husband is very supportive with Rainbow. He's being treated for acid reflux. The medication they gave him seems to help. I just wish there was something I could do for his gas. **Any tips would be very much appreciated.**

Right now we are planning a move, again. The home we moved into wasn't suitable for my children. So we are looking for a better home. Unfortunately, this means another school transfer may be in the future for Sunshine. 

Well, this is an overview of what's been going on. Keep an eye open for another update coming soon. 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Daddy's View: Dad's Matter Too

My story starts out the day we found out we were expecting. We had dealt with fertility issues to the point that for 6 years we heard the word "no" so much, it became the norm and we gave up. My wife went to the hospital for another non related issue. While she was there, I was out of town. I called to check on her just as the doctor walked in. After she spoke with the doctor, she told me on the phone "you're going to be a daddy". I didn't know how to respond. Finally I heard the words I've been longing to hear.Was this true? Did she really say it? I asked her to repeat and she said the same thing again. Still in shock I snapped out of it after hearing "hello??" from my wife. I started yelling with excitement...I couldn't contain myself.  Where I was...people were looking at me weird but I didn't care.

Fast forward to the morning of loss. My wife had been spotting the day before and the doc said it was normal and if it got worse to go to the ER.  Well it got worse and on our bathroom floor my wife was in extreme pain. Painfully I had to get my wife up and off the floor to get her to the ER. It was hurtful to me to force her to get up when she was in so much pain, but I didn't want was about to happen to happen on the floor. I wanted her to be with medical staff. 

We got to the hospital...I dropped her off and parked the truck. I expected her to be in her room by the time I got there. Wrong. She was still being checked in. I was irritated that they weren't in a hurry with what was going on. Finally we get back to the room and the nurse came in. My wife said she needed to go to the bathroom and they gave her a catch cup to put in the toilet. This is when she ended up passing our baby. She went into shock... she was just standing there in the bathroom shaking and screaming. The nurse and I got her dressed and moved her to another room.  I realized we lost our baby but I snapped into worry about the wife mode.  They gave her medicine for shock and it helped calm her down.  They did tests and proved that she did in fact pass our baby.  We were given discharge papers... information about the extra blood loss this week and a prescription to help with it. 

They asked us what we wanted to do with the baby. I wanted to have a service. I had to make the decision pretty much on my own because my wife was still medicated.  The doctor talked me out of a service because "its not normal for babies less then 21 weeks" and "no sense in paying funeral costs for a baby less than 21 weeks".  I thought about my parents funeral costs, which was about $5k and knew I couldn't afford that. So I chose for them to do what they do to dispose of him.  Later on I came to realize its only about $600 for a baby funeral and this is a decision that will always bother me because I could have afforded that!

I get my wife out to the pickup and we just sit there.  I'm at a loss. What do I do next? There was no help... no guidance... it was here's your papers now go home.  She asked me to make the calls because she couldn't do it.  So one by one I called family and friends to tell them the bad news.  All the questions were the same "do they know why?" and "how is Mandy?" followed by "well tell her we love her and we are praying for her".  Her? You don't love me or are praying for me? No one asked how I was. Hmmm must not have cared.  Then I told myself quit whining its not about you... you have to be there for her.  

Days went on... visits came... cards came... all very nice. For her... nothing about me. No one asked me how I was feeling... I was hurting too! He was my little boy too! How about how I feel like a failure? How about how I'm supposed to protect my family and my boy is gone. How about how my wife is in pain and there is nothing I can do to take her pain. Was that argument we got into a cause? I shouldn't have raised my voice and upset her. Is there anymore I could have done for him? For her? What am I supposed to do now?? Oh sorry whining again... deal with it and be there for her... its not about you its about your wife. 

- Douglas Hengstebeck

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Weekend Getaway

Women's Retreat with Noah's Ark Church from Fairview, WV

This getaway is one that I look forward to. My first year going (2013) I found that I am not alone in this world. Jesus is with me each step of the way. The first year I went was a HUGE step in the healing from the loss of our angel. My church family is an amazing group of supporters who have been there for me during this rough journey. 

This year I was blessed to be able to go again. I needed this time. My life has been crazy stressful and the women that go on this trip have a way to make life feel calmer. 

This year we based our weekend off of the following:

I was extremely blessed this year because I took along baby boy due to our exclusive breastfeeding journey we are on. Each woman there came together to make this trip extra special for me. I was able to catch up on some much needed sleep with baby boy. We normally have worship in the morning and evening, which I look forward to. When we are praising the Lord, one can feel his presence. Here's a few photo's from this years trip:

The wonderful group of women who attended.

Our home for the weekend, which is absolutely beautiful.

Let me show you around....

Here are various photo's of those who went and our experience:

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Sunshine: Behavior Issues

Ugghhh at my wits ends. Just about every day Emma is coming home from school with a bad report. (check marks) Today I get a letter in the mail saying she's misbehaving on the school bus. I've grounded her from her favorite activities for a week and that did nothing. I have no idea what else to do in order for her to not continue this behavior. 

I've called her doctor to see if they would evaluate her for ADHD. The doctor can't see her right away. Therefore, she's still acting out and getting into trouble while waiting for the process of diagnosing the ADHD. 

The school and bus driver wants to see her behavior change like now. I have no idea how to handle this. This has been an ongoing issue but has gotten worse this year. We are waiting for the doctor to mail us the forms.

Life With Our Sunshine and Rainbow: It's a Blessing.

Woah, it's been forever since I've been able to fully update everyone. I believe the last time I actually sat down and did a post was right after I was released from the hospital with our rainbow baby. We
were released from the hospital on September 4th. Baby boy and I headed to West Virginia to stay with my Mom for the rest of that week. When we got to my Moms, we put up the pack-n-play and I couldn't help but to stare at him. As soon as I laid him down, he spread out and slept. The feelings that coursed through me are rather hard to put into words. A year ago I didn't think I'd be able to say I'd be truly happy. I'm ecstatic. I literally tear up when I look at my son. The fear of losing him is still there but it won't be from stillbirth. At this time, of course, I worry about SIDS but I know the good Lord above is watching over us.

That Friday went by slowly for me because my husband had planned on bringing our oldest daughter down so she could hang out with her brother. She hadn't been with him since the day he was born because she had to go to school. I couldn't wait to see how her face would light up seeing him. The
day he was born, the fear drained from her eyes and happiness finally returned. When she finally got there, her baby brother was the first person she asked about. She immediately took him in her arms and played with him. I loved seeing it.

That Sunday was our first time taking baby boy to church. Boy was Daddy excited. As soon as we sat down, he got baby boy out of the car seat and began showing him to our church family. Everyone was super excited about his safe arrival.

Church had a wonderful message and I believe that it definitely spoke to me. I have a testimony. I'm living proof that the Lord works in his time and answers prayers. For 16 months I prayed for the pain of losing Dakota to ease enough to where it wouldn't consume me. For six of those months, I prayed for my joy and happiness to some what return. For 38 weeks of that time, I carried the answer to all of my prayers. Then on September 1st, Jaxson Scott was born. My happiness and joy was restored in a much deeper way than before. During this time, my faith was tested over and over again. However, with the grace of God, I pushed back at the bad and came out stronger than ever.

When we got back home, I immediately put baby boy in the crib. I waited so long to fill the crib we bought over a year ago and we were FINALLY able to. I must admit that I cried. I cried because I longed to place Dakota in that crib for the longest time. Now, I had our miracle lying in the crib and it was the best sight to see.

That Monday, Baby boy had to go back to the Labor and Delivery floor of the hospital for a check up.
The nurse who treated me like a child insisted that we bring him in so his jaundice could be checked. I was still confused on why they didn't put him under the Bili light if it was such a big deal.When we got there, the wait wasn't long at all.

I laid him in the heated bed and took him down to the diaper as the nurse asked. I felt so much anxiety because this woman made me feel less than who I am. She made me feel as if I wasn't good enough to be this beautiful little boy's mother. I was asked how his eating was going and about how many dirty diapers he was making. Of course, her response made me feel less than.

Thankfully we found out that his jaundice levels dropped. By the end of the appointment, I was ready to run out of that hospital and go back to the comfort of my home. I hated being around this particular nurse. However, baby boy had a different plan. He decided he wanted to eat. Therefore, I had to wait another 30 minutes before I was able to breathe again.

The nurse informed me that I needed to have baby boy in to see his pediatrician and she wanted him to see him within two days. I didn't like how she felt the need to give us a time line. I'm not stupid. I
know how important it is for my children to keep regular doctors appointments, especially when their having a slow start with life. I went home that day and we scheduled the appointment. 

Later in the week, I had a much needed prayer answered. I was gifted a breast pump. I hadn't been able to afford one with my husband being without work since July. As soon as I got it, I couldn't help but to cry. Once again God came through for me. It amazes me how he works. When I had it cleaned and sterilized, I tried pumping for the first time so my husband could try feeding our son for the first time. I was able to pump about 3oz for the first time and this was right after I nursed baby boy. I was happy. This was the most successful journey thus far that I had with breast feeding. I then made the goal that I wanted to nurse him for at least four weeks.

Shortly after I pumped, my Husband tried to feed baby boy for the first time. We had be recommended the NUK bottle for babies who do both bottle and breast. I grabbed my favorite bottle for the next feeding and when it was time, I put the milk in. Hubby grabbed the baby with a big smile and sat down in the "breastfeeding corner." He got comfortable and I handed him our son.

Well, baby boy had something different in mind. He played with the nipple of the bottle for a second and let it in his mouth. Once he realized it wasn't his Momma, he pushed the bottle out of his mouth with the funniest face. It honestly looked as if he was saying we were crazy for trying and that we should have known better. I thought maybe he could still sense me in the room so I went outside. Nope, that didn't work either. He still wouldn't take the bottle for Daddy. My Hubby gave up because baby boy started to fuss.

I grabbed the bottle and tried. Well, the milk went right down but I could tell my son wasn't liking the bottle idea. This is when I decided that I'd hold off on the bottle. I actually felt as if I were going to cry because of the entire bottle thing. I had gotten so used to being the person to feed him, I didn't like seeing someone else do it. **I know that sounds selfish. But I can't help it.**

By the end of September, baby boy's circumcision had healed and the umbilical cord stump fell off. I cried at this because it was one thing to show that time was passing and my son was getting older. These days were going by too quick. They needed to slow down.

We got baby boy in to see his doctor who confirmed that he needed to gain a bit more weight and that everything else seemed well. So, for the next two weeks I nursed every chance I got. I know that the more we nurse, the better my supply would be. By the next appointment, baby boy had gained a pound. I was so happy.

Well, that's around about everything that has happened with our baby boy lately. Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Rainbow Baby's First Week

Wow has this week been something! I can't believe my rainbow is here. It's as if I'm living in a dream. For the first part of his first week here, we spent it at the hospital. We had to stay an extra day because he was born so late on Monday the 1st. I wasn't too thrilled with our stay. As a matter of fact, I ached to take my baby boy home and get away from the stress of the nursing staff.

The night shift nurses and doctor who took care of me and helped me birth baby boy were simply amazing. They were very aware of what had happened with our angel and made sure to explain everything that was going on.

I believe everyone who came into our room that night anxiously awaited for baby boy's arrival. After 15 hours of labor, he came and there wasn't a dry eye within the delivery room. Each nurse and doctor thanked us for allowing us to be part of this amazing time for us. I was and still am very thankful and appreciative for each person on the clock that night. Sleep was hard to come by. I was too excited and full of joy to sleep. All I did within the night hours after his birth was hold him and stare at him. I couldn't believe he made his way here alive. 

About four hours after baby boy was born, they came in to take out my epidural and they took baby for his first bath. I loved how they prolonged his bath because of the health benefits this has for him. As they were off bathing him, I was able to get some sleep. My nurse only had me as her patient for the night, therefore she offered to take pictures of his first bath while I slept. Once he came back, the nurse took out my epidural and I slowly was able to walk again.

The following morning (September 2) shift change came before I was able to wake. Jaxson woke me up with is perfect little cry wanting to nurse. As I nursed him the day shift nurse came in. For some reason I got the feeling that something wasn't right. She checked my vitals and made sure Jaxson was doing well.

She suggested that I use the bathroom so she could make sure all was well there. I agreed. We made our way to the private bathroom within my room and I sat on the toilet. I noticed something wasn't right. Immediately I told the nurse that I didn't feel quite right and I was dizzy. She told me to take a few minutes and just sit there. I didn't argue because if I were to stand, I felt like I would pass out. While waiting she left me in the bathroom and I ended up finishing up in the bathroom without her assistance. I barely made it back to my bed when she came back into the room. Hubby helped me into bed and I got comfortable. The nurse didn't even offer to help.

Before she left, she asked me if there was anything she could get for me. I had been cramping really bad and needed something for the pain. I asked her if there was anything I could get because of breastfeeding. She told me that she'd check with the doctors and would be right back. After she left, Hubby informed me that he was the one who cleaned up my bed for me and got things in order while I was stuck in the bathroom. This ticked me off. This was the nurses duty.

While waiting my mom and step dad showed up, along with my sister and her son. Of course, they're just as excited about baby boy as I am. My step dad had to do his thing with baby boy. (He's done it to just about
all infant boys when they were born.) He had to put a bandanna on him. Oh my goodness... it was an overload of cuteness! They didn't stay long because they had other things they needed to do. My older sister took my daughter home so she didn't miss any more school and everyone headed out. So, after they left I realized the cramping was getting worse.

I realized it had been about three hours since the nurse was last in the room. I told my husband that I couldn't do the pain any longer. He went to grab a nurse and find out what was going on. When the nurse finally came back in she gave me an attitude. I really felt like I was bothering her. She promptly left the room once she saw I had taken the medication and I didn't see her again until much later in the afternoon.

Shortly after the medication kicked in, they came in to take baby boy for his circumcision. I hated this part. I didn't really like the idea of putting my beautiful baby boy through that but I felt that it'd be best for him later in life. While he was gone, I played with my phone and talked to my husband to keep my mind from what was happening down the hall.

Twenty minutes later, they brought baby boy back, swaddled, and sleeping. They told us that he did great and practically slept through the entire procedure. They informed us that when he needed changed to ask one of the nurses until the gauze came off, which would be in a few hours. So we did just that. They helped with the diapers while I continued to nurse him around the clock.

A few hours later, they took the gauze off and my nurse came in. She explained to Hubby about how to change his diaper properly. However, she explained it so quickly and practically did the change herself and hubby didn't catch everything. She left and we didn't see her again. When it came time for baby boy to have a diaper change, my husband asked for the nurse to come back in to oversee that he did the diaper correctly. We ended up waiting for a while for the nurse to come in. My aunt helped Hubby change the diaper. By the time the nurse came back it had been an hour. I'm thankful that we decided to do the diaper when we did or baby boy would have sat in a dirty diaper for an hour.

Once again the night shift nurses were amazing and I had no problems with them. Everything went well. My goodness. boy can eat. He is always at the breast. He's messing diapers regularly. I have even noticed he has been a wake and aware of the surroundings during the night. I spent some quality time with baby boy while Daddy got some sleep. I loved every minute of it.

The feelings that I feel when I look into his precious little face is completely explainable. My heart feel so overwhelmed when I look at him. I didn't think we'd ever make it this far. I'm so very blessed.

The night was straight up hell when it came to getting anything from the nurse. I had to wait for hours and when she finally came in... it was with an attitude. She made me feel as if I was completely stupid and didn't know what I was doing when it came to my baby.

She came in that around 7 the next morning asking how he was doing with breastfeeding and took a look at the baby log. (I was given a chart to fill out. I had to mark down the times he ate, wet a diaper, and messed a diaper.) When she looked at the log, she questioned each mark and time I put down to ensure I was doing it correctly. After lunch, I saw her again. This time she was in to take baby boy to do his newborn screen and his foot prints. This is when I got an even bigger attitude.

Let me remind you... I was fully awake with his small bed right beside mine. I hardly took my eyes off of him. I decided to take a few hospital pictures for our family album and added in a few very small stuffed animals to the foot of his little crib. OH BOY... I heard it from her this time. She demanded I removed them immediately because they were a hazard to him. She sternly informed me that NOTHING goes in his bed with him because of the risk of SIDS.  Hello goof ball don't you think I know that? It's not like I was going to leave them there. I was using them as PROPS for a PICTURE and then I planned on removing them.

She took baby boy to get his testing done and I ordered my lunch. Hubby and I talked and we both agreed that this nurse lacked bedside manners. She made each of us feel dumb. When she brought baby boy back, she told me that he had a touch of jaundice and that he will need to be watched closely. This saddened me a bit but I would let them do whatever it was they needed to in order to take baby boy home.

Around 9, she told me that we could get more pain medication for me after I ate breakfast and then I could shower. She left the room and the day shift doctor came in. The doctor explained that since baby boy was born so late, she'd rather us stay a full 48 hours before she'd release us. After the episode in the bathroom, I didn't disagree.

This is when things got crazy. I had people coming in and out of my room talking to me about my insurance and the bill that I was "racking" up. Five people within an hour had asked me how I planned on paying for the services. (Let me remind you of the beautiful baby boy I just had..... yeah... well he's crying because he wants to be nursed.) I hear my baby boy fussing and these people asking me for money. I guess something happened where my insurance wasn't covering the care I had been receiving and they wanted me to call and find out why.

I broke down and started crying. I didn't want to deal with this. Hubby picked up the phone and called our insurance, while these people stood there waiting for their answer. I had enough at this point and kicked them out of my room. All but one left. She tried to calm me down but it wasn't working. We found out that there had been a lapse in my insurance and since Hubby called and fixed it, the coverage would resume the next morning.

Not even an hour after I kicked them out of the room, a different nurse, whom I have never met before, came in with my discharge papers. This threw me off. Earlier in the morning I was told I wasn't going to be discharged until at least 11 AM the next day. They explained that I no longer needed their care and I was going to be considered a live in for my son. It was officially his room and I was just staying with him. I was no longer getting any type of medical care from the hospital because I was officially no longer a patient.

I had asked for the pain medication the first nurse was supposed to bring me but they refused to give it to me because I was no longer a patient of the hospital. My back hurt so bad and the cramps sucked. Pretty much I had to suck it up. They gave me a prescription for Motrin but I couldn't fill it with the lack in my insurance. Nor could I pay for it.

As nurses came and and went, I cried from the pain. Several nurses acted as if they didn't even notice I was in pain. I could hardly sit still because of the contractions of my uterus and it shrinking. (If you have ever had a baby before... you know that crap HURTS) Well, they completely ignored me. Hubby tried everything to help me with the pain, which was worse when baby boy nursed. It took everything I had to stay in that bed.

My sister came to visit me and I explained to her what was going on. This upset her. My mom and step dad came by for a quick visit and brought me dinner. I told them what was going on. Shift change came and new nurses introduced themselves. By the grace of God, a guardian angel was sent to me. This guardian angel secretly gave me something for the pain from her own purse, which she wasn't supposed to do. She told me that I couldn't tell anyone what she did because she could loose her job. But she couldn't turn her back to me while I was in so much pain.

That night went smoothly. The guardian angel was sent to a different floor and another nurse filled her spot. I really got along with her. She was down to earth and hung out with me in my room. It was like we had known each other our entire lives.

By the time baby boy was released, I was beyond ready to go home. The sleepless nights I looked forward to. As baby boy was being discharged, the same nurse covered this too. Of course, she talked to me like I was stupid. She went through how to bathe him. (DUH, I've done this before and she's rather healthy) She informed me that he was not to be in any crowded places, including church. (Sorry there nurse but my son is safe in Jesus' house, so he will be going to church.)

 To get used to baby boy and a routine, I was released and went to stay the rest of the week with my mom.

**To be continued**

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Labor Day- Induction Day- My Rainbow is HERE!!!

**Very detailed and long.**
**Slideshow of the events are shown below**

The night of August 31, I had a hard time climbing into bed. Our scheduled induction was the next day and I was afraid of how things would go. The doctor’s really didn't explain how things would go and what they would do to push me into labor. I double-checked all of the hospital bags and the bags that I had packed for when we left the hospital. Baby boy and I were going to stay with my mom for the weekend so we could go to church.  

I finally climbed into bed around midnight and surprisingly I went to sleep easily. Up until that night, I had a hard time falling asleep due to being so uncomfortable. It was a nightmare trying to sleep. I would lie on my sides and my hips would feel as if a knife had been pushed slowly into them. If I tried lying on my back, the same feelings happened in my tailbone. However, the night of the 31st into the first was completely different.

Morning came quickly. I was concerned that we would have a rough morning because my husband, daughter, and I had such a late night. I figured that our daughter would give us a fight to get up at six in the morning for our eight o’clock appointment. Surprisingly everyone got up rather easy and we almost made it to the hospital on time. The morning also included nice and strong contractions. I felt as if I was in labor but couldn't be sure, due to the amniotic fluid level being so high.

We met my mom and step-dad at the hospital. They were waiting at the main doors with a wheel chair for me. Hubby parked the car while I got comfortable in the wheel chair. By this time, I was holding back tears from fear. Fear of the unknown! My mom and daughter immediately starting carrying on and enjoying their time together. 

Hubby caught up with us and we headed up to the sixth floor; Labor and Delivery! My nerves kicked in full force and it took everything within me to hold back my tears. Fear flooded me and panic set in. I was afraid that as soon as we were ready, we would hear those dreaded words again. Deep down inside I knew baby boy was fine because I could feel him kicking, even with the contractions. We made it to labor and delivery and checked in. 

They already had my room ready and waiting. Holding back tears, I quietly listened to the nurse talk about their plan to bring baby boy safely into the world. I changed into the hospital gown and climbed into the bed. My heart beat crazily while the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and struggled to find the baby's heartbeat. My heart felt as if were going to jump out of my chest and when I didn't think she'd find it, I heard it. It was like music to my ears. 

After the monitor was completely hooked up, they started an IV with fluids and oxytocin. Shortly after they started the fluids, they checked to see if any progress had been made and where we were starting at. The contractions I had been feeling took me from 1 cm to about 4 cm before I even got to the hospital. So, my body started labor on it's own and the oxytocin was used to help speed things along. At this point, there was a lot of waiting and more of my family showing up to greet our miracle. 

Contractions came roughly every two minutes or so. I was still hanging strong with no pain medication. The doctors slowly increased the oxytocin but after about four hours, they came into my room and started checking vitals. They watched the heart monitor for baby's heartbeat. I was asked to lay on my left side for a moment and then asked to roll over to my right side. As they helped me roll over, another nurse asked me to put on the oxygen mask. The medication caused me to have back to back contractions, which caused baby's heart rate to drop. They got it back up. Docs and nurses were on it and got everything back in order. He was doing good now and had hiccups. His heart rate was about 163 now. I'm was contracting without the medicine so they kept it the oxytocin off for the time being.

Labor slowed down quite a bit with the contractions after a few hours of not being on the oxytocin, so they came back in and started it back up. At this time I was 4-5 cm dilated, 50% effaced. My main intentions with labor was to have a vaginal delivery and avoid a c-section unless medically needed. Around six that afternoon, the epidural was given to me. They allowed time for the epidural to kick in before breaking the water.

Around 8 PM, they slowly broke the water. This was one part which terrified me. I remembered the doctor mentioning at one of my appointments that with so much amniotic fluid, a prolapsed cord was a risk. The doctor came in with several nurses. They clipped the sack and let the fluid slowly drain. I was amazed at how much fluid there was. It filled two medical pads and lots of towels. As the fluid drained, I became so much more comfortable. I actually felt the pressure disappear. 

My family sat around impatiently waiting for baby boy's arrival. It got to the point where everyone began making jokes about how to get baby to come out quicker. As they were making jokes, I noticed something different around 10:30 PM. I didn't say anything right away but the pressure got stronger. I whispered to my mom, "Something is different. There's so much pressure." 

As soon as I said this, my husband ran out of the room and got the doctor. She came in and checked me.... IT WAS TIME! My breath caught in my throat at those words. I didn't think I would ever hear that again, let alone give birth. I started crying. I couldn't believe we had made it this far. I had so many people in the delivery room with me but it didn't help the spiral of emotions. 

My aunt took Emma out of the room and the doctors prepared for a baby to be born. Since our rainbow had touched so many, the delivery room was full. All of my parents were there. (Mom, Dad, Step-Dad, Step-Mom) It was a very special moment and the support I had was overwhelming. Once I was in position to push, anxiety took over. I listened to those around me and concentrated on giving birth to my son. I could hear everyone around me commenting on how much hair they could see. Then, when he was head out, I heard my family crying that he looked beautiful. The entire time I couldn't help but to think.... "Why hasn't he cried yet?" Panic set in and I started crying. The tears were from the lack of hearing my son cry and fear of loosing him in the process of laboring. 

For the first time during a labor, the doctor called my husband over (who had on sterile gloves) and told him to get ready. She explained to me to bare down and push. I did as I was told. Several pushes later, our son landed in the waiting arms of his very happy father. My husband helped me birth our son. As soon as baby boy was clear, they gently laid him on my stomach. 

It was love at first sight. I cried out..."Why isn't he crying?" as the doctors used baby blankets to rub him down and that's when I heard his precious cry. I lost it. I grabbed my son and cried out with so much joy, love, and relief. My rainbow had made it safely into this world! The entire room erupted into tears, joy, and happiness. 

At 11:02 PM on September 1, 2014 (Labor Day) Jaxson Scott Buda was born. He weighed 6 lbs 13 oz. and was 19 3/4 in. long. His cries were music to my ears and as I glared at my new baby I couldn't help but to look up to the sky and thank the Lord above for my blessing. I cried out thanking Him for our miracle!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

We did it.... 37 week mark!!!!

YAYYYYY!!!! We hit our goal of 37 weeks as of yesterday. I'm super excited. I had my check up with the doctor yesterday, along with another ultrasound. This visit didn't go as smoothly as they have been. My first appointment out of the two was for the ultrasound. Baby boy biophysical profile with an 8/8, once again. Which is really good. The amniotic fluid seems to be stable for now. He was very active during the tests and gave us a great show.

This appointment was a bit different because my sister and nephew joined in. My nephew is three. His reaction to seeing Jaxson on the screen was adorable. He made comments such as "I just love him." I didn't know which was cuter, my son wiggling around or the out of the blue things my nephew was saying about my son.

Once the ultrasound was complete, we waited about an hour for the next appointment, which was to check in with the doctor. The same routine happened. They called my name and showed me to a room in the back. I mentioned to the nurse that it's hard to feel baby move compared to contractions. My entire belly is always rock hard and it's really sore. She talked to the doctor who decided it'd be best to hook me up to the non stress testing machine to check on contractions.

The first nurse had a bit difficulty finding Jaxson's heartbeat where it was loud enough for the machine to register the BMP. She found a spot where it was the loudest and added the straps to me. 

As soon as she finished with the first strap, she added the contraction monitor on and I went to town hitting the button as I felt baby boy moving around. He kept jumping away from the monitor for his heartbeat and the machine stopped picking it up. The machine picked up contractions as soon as the nurse pulled her hands away. However, they were far in between and told it they were braxton hicks. 
This is where the appointment changed without me first realizing it. The same woman who gave me trouble in the 35.5 week post I talked about. She pretty much oversees the non stress testing. She came over to me and started messing with the straps to find baby's heart beat again. I watched as my stubborn baby boy didn't work with her. After a few minutes of trying, she found him but had the blue circle monitor at an angle. She grabbed the straps and pulled them tight to keep the monitor in place. It didn't work, so she tightened the straps again. 

After she was done, she went back over to her desk and sat down. At that time, I noticed the top of my belly on the right side felt like it was stinging. I figured this must be another contraction. After a few minutes went by, I noticed baby boy hadn't moved and figured he went to sleep for a bit. The test totaled about 30 minutes. They weren't worried about baby boy's movement this round because I was there for the contractions. 

My doctor came in to check on me and update me with the information from the ultrasound. She also told me that I am scheduled on the books to be in Labor and Delivery on the very early morning of Sept. 1st. to start the induction process. Once she was done talking to me, she told me that the test was complete and she would see me on Thursday. 

The other woman who normally hooks me up, came back over. When she went to unstrap me, I noticed that she had to pull the strap tighter to unhook it. (Sort of like you do with a belt to get it off) She did the same thing with the second strap too. That's when I noticed that she had them wayyy too tight. I had the marks from the straps and the round plastic monitors on my belly. As soon as she pulled the straps tighter, I could feel the straps forcing baby boy to move, which caused me to feel sick. I told my husband my thoughts and he took a look at my belly.

Instantly I saw his facial expression change. It went from calm and content to anger. He said my belly was really red. As I walked out of the office, the burning pain that was on the upper front of my belly went around my right side and into the middle of my back. We left the doctors office and had a few stops to make on the way home. Therefore, it took us a few hours to get there. Once I got home, I realized the pain in my side was worse and the bottom of my belly started hurting too. 

My husband took a look at my belly and the marks were still there, even four hours later. This was the first time we had to call and make a formal complaint. I felt bad doing it, however, who knows what this has done. Even over 24 hours later, my belly is still sore. The top is red and feels like it's bruised, but there's not a visible bruise. I surely hope she didn't mess any thing up.

Once we talked to the doctors office today about this situation, they said that this woman will not be working with me for the remainder of the pregnancy and someone else will over see the non stress tests. 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

36 Week Pregnancy Update

This past weeks appointments didn't bring much of a change since the last time I did an update. 

Last Monday's appointment went well and baby boy was extremely active for the ultrasound. He passed the biophysical profile with an 8/8. The ultrasound showed that the fluid went down a few, however, it doesn't take me out of the risk of preterm labor. It went from 29.66 to about 26. That's good. 

I had a Non Stress Test on Thursday. Baby boy was extremely active for this. He seems to hate when they have the straps on my belly. He makes them chase his heartbeat during the test with the monitor. I find it funny and I love seeing him give such a hard time. This shows me that we have a strong willed baby boy who knows what he wants. Honestly, it reminds me of our oldest daughter and her will power.

As for me, I am really not sure how much longer my body can physically handle being pregnant, which scares me. I know my doctor said that our goal was 37 weeks which is term. I have a lot of lower back and hip pain. As well as a burning feeling on the top, right side of my belly. Sometimes the pain shoots from the burning area to around my ribs, and to my upper back. Some times it's so bad it has me in tears. 

The doctor and I did discuss when we think this little guy should come into the world. If he doesn't make his appearance by the 1st of September, then I'll be induced. So, providing all goes as planned Jaxson should be here on Labor Day! 

That's the update for this week and I'll update you all at 37 weeks.... providing I'm still pregnant. 

Friday, August 15, 2014

35.5 week update

I had another appointment on Thursday. Normally, we go in just for a non stress test but this time was a bit different. The entire visit made me and my mom uncomfortable, but I'll explain that part in a minute. As for the new with baby boy, the polyhydramnios is still causing us issues. We went for the normal non-stress test, which went rather well. He was moving around and making it hard for me to sit still. The machine kept picking up his movements, which in turn made me laugh. That's when the contraction side of the test registered the laughs and documented it on the small print out. The test lasted for about twenty minutes before we were sent in for the unscheduled ultrasound. On Monday the amniotic fluid measured a slight bit higher at a 28. The doctor wanted to be sure this was accurate and wanted another ultrasound yesterday. 

Once we got into the ultrasound room and got comfy, the fluid level was checked. It measured from a 28 to a 29. Thus meaning it is slowly climbing. The doctor then decided it's time that we start talking about induction. So, when I go in on Monday, we will start the process/planning. I'll be sure to update you all as soon as I get the chance on Monday or Tuesday. 

As for why the visit made me uncomfortable.....

If you're an angel mom, you'll understand where I am coming from. If not, let me explain. It's hard to be pregnant directly after a loss, especially when you're continuing your prenatal care with the same OB office. At times it feels as if you're reliving the past with your angel. However, up until yesterday I felt okay with going to the same facility. I am normally called back from the opposite side of the room. The waiting room connects to the back of the office with two doors. One on each side of the waiting room. While I was pregnant with Dakota, they started my visit by calling me for
my appointment on the left side of the room. Once we go through the doors, my weight and blood pressure are taken. Then, I'm asked to leave a urine sample and I'm shown to a room where we wait on the doctor. It's the same procedure with baby boy, however it's on the opposite side of the office. I don't feel as if I'm reliving it. 

Yesterday was different. The nurse, who didn't introduce herself, called me back through the opposite side of the room. Yep, for the first time in eight months I walked the same path that I did with our angel baby. This immediately made me uncomfortable. The no name nurse then talked to me like I was stupid and had no clue what I was doing. She told me step by step what to do once we walked through the waiting room door. Needless to say... I felt as if I was stupid. I've only been pregnant three times and within my third pregnancy, I've been doing the same routine twice a week. I know what the heck I am doing. 

When my normal nurse takes my weight and blood pressure, she just waits for me to do my thing. There's no talking needed. I wait for the machine to clear before stepping up on it to get my current weight. Then I normally sit down, stretch out my left arm, and turn the inner part of my arm while trying to make it easier for the nurse. This no name nurse grabbed my arm and no so gently turned my arm back over. Then took my blood pressure. For the first time within this pregnancy, I was asked if I knew how tall I am. I wasn't sure. So, she made me feel stupid again by saying I should know. Then she measured my height. Once she was finished she said, "For future reference, you're 5'1", just so you know." If there wasn't a medical need to take my height, then why do it? 

She continued by saying I was there for a non-stress test and she continued to explain how it worked. All the while I'm thinking... "Did she even read my chart? She should see that I've been doing non stress tests for the last month each Thursday." I tried to inform her that my doctor also wanted me to have an ultrasound. That's when she made me feel as if I was a liar. She looked at the print out in her hand and said, "Well, you don't have one scheduled, so I'll have to see about that." Okay no problem. Do what you need to do. She directed me to a restroom so I can do my thing there and showed my mom and husband to the Non-Stress Test room. 

I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom overheard this nurse talking to the woman who oversees the NST's saying, "She claims they want her to have an ultrasound. I'll have to check that out." The other woman agreed. They both came off as if they didn't believe what I was saying. So, that ticked my mom off and it instantly put her in a bad mood. I could tell the vibes weren't so nice when I walked into the room and sat down. The woman who looks over the tests didn't say a word to me while she hooked me up. Usually we made small conversation and it is rather pleasant. However, this time I felt as if I was an inconvenience. Praise God that the test went quickly and my doctor showed up.

She announced in front of both of the women that if I'll follow her, she'll get me in for the unscheduled ultrasound she wants me to have. I exhaled and a bit of relief came over me when she said that because then I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. My doctor kindly asked for us to follow her to the ultrasound room and discussed everything with the ultrasound tech. From that point on, the appointment went up hill. 

However, the way I was made to feel makes me reflect back on one thing. Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that well. I rolled out of bed after a night of fighting to sleep. My lower back and right side was hurting because of all the pressure. So, in reality I didn't feel like doing my hair or make up. I didn't have a cute outfit on. I had a t-shirt with a pair of yoga pants. I looked the way I felt... like crud.

This goes to show that appearance has a lot to do with how you're treated in public. For each appointment I have been to, I have always had my hair done and so was my make up. I also tried my best to dress somewhat presentable. However, yesterday I did none of this. Normally, I'm treated with the utmost respect. The one day I go in looking less than presentable, I am treated like crap. 

So, for those of you who work in the health field with pregnant women, please remember that even though they may NOT look presentable in your eyes, that doesn't mean you can treat them any different. As a matter of fact, it shouldn't matter what they look like regardless. 

In the end... our graves will look the same. A six foot hole in the ground! Everything in this life, materialistic wise, doesn't matter. It's what is on the inside that matters. Remember before you judge someone, be sure you're perfect and free of any flaws!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Week 35- High Risk and Stressed

I had another appointment today. Today's outcome wasn't what we were hoping for. During last weeks visit, I had the hopes that our prayers were being answered with the polyhydramnios. We got the news that the amniotic fluid hasn't decreased this week, it actually went up to the highest it's been so far. 

I went into the ultrasound first and I noticed that the fluid pockets they measure looked as if there were more fluid. But...hey... what do I know? I'm not a pro at reading those things, so I didn't allow it to worry me until I spoke with the doctor. 

Of course, Mr. wasn't up for another day of play with the ultrasound. He was rather laid back for the appointment. I personally like when he's hanging out and not doing what they need him to do right away because I enjoy watching him. It's really the only peace of mind I have for the moment. As I watch my little guy wiggle his fingers or suck on his fist, I can see that he's all right for the moment. Of course, deep down inside I know that can change at any moment and that scares me. 

I asked the tech what the fluid looked like and she was able to give me the number. After doing the math and whatnot, it came out to 28. I only know that this is considered high because when it was at 26.4, I was diagnosed with the polyhydramnios. Once again, I'm not a doctor so I didn't know exactly what this meant but my ease went out the window. I was right. The fluid increased. 

Once they were done with his testing, I went back out to the waiting room. It took everything I had to hold back my tears. The fear and anxiety of losing my baby came back. With the issues, I had no idea what we were about to face. I remembered the doctor saying that if the fluid got too high, there'd be a hospital stay in my future. I'm praying that I don't have to go to the hospital before being in labor. I also remembered them saying that if the situation got too bad, then they would induce. Baby boy has to stay in there until at least 37 weeks for him to be considered full term. Therefore, the wait to meet with the doctor took its toll on my nerves.

Once we got back there, the doctor said baby boy himself looked to be doing well. As for the fluid, I need to keep taking it easy with the bed rest and keep doing the kick counts. I'm more in tune to my body and baby boy now then I have ever been before. I need to be sure I feel him kicking all the time. If at any time the contractions I have become even slightly uncomfortable, I'm to head off to labor and delivery. If I feel winded at all while at rest, this too warrants a trip to L&D. 

All these changes are very overwhelming. Then, add on the fears of what's to come. Yes, I am a believer in Christ and I do have faith. However, I am human and not perfect. This worry will NEVER go away until I am holding my son. Even after it will be there because I will always fear if
another one of my children will be next. Therefore, telling me to calm down won't really help. That's one thing I love about my doctors, they have yet to tell me not to stress or worry. Their right beside me doing the same thing.

Now I'm scheduled to go back in on Thursday for another non-stress test and an unscheduled ultrasound. They want to double check the fluid to see what happens within the few days between appointments. If we hit the 37 week goal, the doctors will watch to see when baby boy can safely enter the world. This is when we'll start talking about inducing me. If I were to go into labor now on my own, they don't plan on stopping the labor. Both of these options scare me because their are risks to both sides. 

Well... that's the update for now. If I find out anything new this week, I'll post it here with another update. 

Thank you to every person who has been praying for us. We greatly appreciate it. Love to all.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Ignorance With Loss- Speaking Out

It's absolutely heartbreaking when I'm surfing the Internet and actually see just how ignorant people are when it comes to child loss. Today I saw a news article on that pertained to a couple in California who gave birth to an angel. Immediately I had to read it and absolutely loved it. I love the fact that even though it's not my story or about my precious Dakota, it's still bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I then felt the need to share Dakota's picture too. For some reason when I see anything on this subject, I have the need to put my daughter out there too. I want people to know she existed and she lived. 

What broke my heart was the response the family got to their photo's of their sleeping angel when they were brought to the attention of the public. Each comment was as if someone had taken a knife and pushed it into my heart. 

Ignorance like these comments:
  • "Private pictures ok. Dead babies on the internet no."

  •  "Dead Babies on the Internet" - I feel like there is a social commentary type punk rock song in here somewhere...
  • People grieve in their own way but the pictures should be kept private within the family not plastered everywhere on the internet and Facebook

  • I think it's morbid and constitutes abuse of corpse.

  • Not sure how I feel about that one 

1 in 4 women experience child loss in some form...some experience it multiple times. I am 1 in 4. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days. If you have NEVER lost a child, feel blessed because it does change who you are and how you deal with things. I am glad people are speaking out about it and raising awareness. How dare you pass judgement on grieving mothers for having pictures done. Grow up and realize all life is precious and stop being petty. These comment dig deep down inside and bother the heck out of me. Value every second of life. 

Until you lose a child at birth, you have no idea the pain and loss you feel. I feel that no one should have to experience this. It is not warped or disturbing to take photo's of your sleeping angel. What makes you so high and mighty that you can judge? 

Those of us that have lost babies cope in different ways. Don't put the grieving parents down because it is not the way you would choose to grieve. Everyone who thinks this is morbid just can't handle the truth that yes these situations do happen. This is the truth to child loss  Families get photos because it's their child. They will share these with their future children and so on. It's comfort for them to see their little angel. 

IF you're one of those people who deem it warped or disturbing, do me a favor.... chose one of your children you choose to live life without. Yeah, pick one. Doesn't matter which. Now... imagine choosing a headstone for that child. Or how about this, imagine what that child would look like laying in a casket. You know... "dead and disturbing". Ohhh look at that... I hit a nerve. I bet you can't even imagine either one of these scenarios. Can you? 

Now.. picture funeral music playing, flowers, and your last kiss before the casket is closed forever. Remember this will be the last time you will EVER see your child again on this earth. Oh, now they're getting ready to bury your child. They lower the casket as you force yourself to look away. Next they throw the dirt in the hole where your child was just lowered. Let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!!

You have NO right to sit back and judge me as an angel mother for how I choose to deal with the loss of my child. Therefore, until you experience it.. how about you educate yourself about Pregnancy and Infant Loss? Or how about this... reach out and send comfort to a family who was forced to say goodbye before they even had the chance to say hello! Until then, I'll shout it from the roof tops and the mountain tops that my daughter LIVED! You have no right to either like or dislike what I choose to do until you have been here yourself! Plain and simple!!!!