Expecting After a Loss...This is for you!

My reaction for when I first saw my son and he started crying. A moment in my life I will never forget.

Dear Grieving Pregnant Mommy,

Let me start by saying that if you haven't been following my journey you probably don't already know that I am a mother of an angel who gave birth to her rainbow baby five months ago. So, it hasn't been that long since I was where you are now. The feelings that you are feeling...yes they are normal. Quite normal to be honest. If you find yourself crying, go for it. It's okay to cry. Believe me, the pregnancy journey after a loss is an emotional on. Boy, oh boy let me tell you what a day it will be when you give birth to your rainbow baby and your precious bundle of joy is handed to you....ALIVE!!!! 

I honestly didn't think I would reach that point. I found myself thinking about how I would handle going "through it again." How would I react? Could I handle it if I lost this baby I was carrying in the same womb who failed me almost a year before? I thought about the different things I would want for his funeral that we didn't have for our angel, Dakota. I couldn't even bring myself to think of having a shower for him because I didn't want all these items sitting around my house reminding me of what isn't. Just like the same baby items sit from Dakota's shower reminding me of what we lost. 

For some reason, planning a funeral over a baby shower was easier for me. It wasn't very long ago that I was forced to have a funeral and I wasn't prepared. This time around, I was going to be prepared. I even went to the extent of having the same funeral home's number, address, and what not in my hospital bag. I had the take taker of the cemetery's number, too. I didn't make this known to those around me because all they would have said was... it's going to be all right. That's one thing that I heard, time and time again. "Everything is going to be all right. Have faith in God." 

Up until I gave birth to our rainbow, I didn't prepare at all. Yes, we ended up having a small baby shower for him. But everything sat as it was when it was carried from the car. Gift bags cluttered my living room, as well as a crib that hadn't been set up. Bottles weren't cleaned and sterile. Diapers were still unwrapped. I just couldn't bring myself to set up and prepare for bringing baby home. In all honesty, I felt as if it were going to be time wasted. 

I didn't purchase anything for our son during the pregnancy, until my husband decided to go to the all town yard sale. Of course, I dreamed of seeing my son in the different outfits, shoes, and other baby items we saw during our walk around town, but I couldn't bring myself to buy any of it. My husband on the other hand saw the need to get ready for our son. He arranged the pick up of all the clothes he purchased that day. I couldn't handle it. I walked away.

That, too, is okay. I only did what I knew I was able to handle and you can too. Don't feel ashamed for being scared. You have every right to be. You will have people telling you that you can't live in the fear or be scared to prepare for the very different future you'll be facing. However, they really do not know what we know. Right? They really haven't experienced death like we have. We are always grieving and I believe we will never stop. We know what it's like to feel death come from our bodies, which were once full of life. We know heartbreak that won't ever end.

I can personally tell you that the journey through pregnancy after a loss is another trying period within your life, but totally worth it. Believe me, my pregnancy with my rainbow was very trying. On top of all the fear and worry, the pregnancy didn't go without complications. At about seven months into the pregnancy with my rainbow, I found out that I had polyhydramnios. It occurs in about one in every 100 pregnancies. It can lead to developmental abnormalities or pregnancy complications.Of course, on top of worrying about my son and him dying before I got to meet him, I now had even more stacked against me. I had to worry about going into labor prematurely. I had to worry about a prolapsed cord during labor when my water broke. If a prolapsed cord happened, my son would be cut off from his oxygen supply and his nutrients. This scared the crap out of me. 

So, when I tell you it's worth it when you FINALLY hear your screaming baby...IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! 

***Keep a look out for my writing updates on my book, Journey to Our Rainbow (working title) here on my author blog. ***

Labor Day- Induction Day- My Rainbow is HERE!!!

**Very detailed and long.**

**Slideshow of the events are shown below**

The night of August 31, I had a hard time climbing into bed. Our scheduled induction was the next day and I was afraid of how things would go. The doctor’s really didn't explain how things would go and what they would do to push me into labor. I double-checked all of the hospital bags and the bags that I had packed for when we left the hospital. Baby boy and I were going to stay with my mom for the weekend so we could go to church.  

I finally climbed into bed around midnight and surprisingly I went to sleep easily. Up until that night, I had a hard time falling asleep due to being so uncomfortable. It was a nightmare trying to sleep. I would lie on my sides and my hips would feel as if a knife had been pushed slowly into them. If I tried lying on my back, the same feelings happened in my tailbone. However, the night of the 31^st into the first was completely different.

Morning came quickly. I was concerned that we would have a rough morning because my husband, daughter, and I had such a late night. I figured that our daughter would give us a fight to get up at six in the morning for our eight o’clock appointment. Surprisingly everyone got up rather easy and we almost made it to the hospital on time. The morning also included nice and strong contractions. I felt as if I was in labor but couldn't be sure, due to the amniotic fluid level being so high.

We met my mom and step-dad at the hospital. They were waiting at the main doors with a wheel chair for me. Hubby parked the car while I got comfortable in the wheel chair. By this time, I was holding back tears from fear. Fear of the unknown! My mom and daughter immediately starting carrying on and enjoying their time together. 

Hubby caught up with us and we headed up to the sixth floor; Labor and Delivery! My nerves kicked in full force and it took everything within me to hold back my tears. Fear flooded me and panic set in. I was afraid that as soon as we were ready, we would hear those dreaded words again. Deep down inside I knew baby boy was fine because I could feel him kicking, even with the contractions. We made it to labor and delivery and checked in. 

They already had my room ready and waiting. Holding back tears, I quietly listened to the nurse talk about their plan to bring baby boy safely into the world. I changed into the hospital gown and climbed into the bed. My heart beat crazily while the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and struggled to find the baby's heartbeat. My heart felt as if were going to jump out of my chest and when I didn't think she'd find it, I heard it. It was like music to my ears. 

After the monitor was completely hooked up, they started an IV with fluids and oxytocin. Shortly after they started the fluids, they checked to see if any progress had been made and where we were starting at. The contractions I had been feeling took me from 1 cm to about 4 cm before I even got to the hospital. So, my body started labor on it's own and the oxytocin was used to help speed things along. At this point, there was a lot of waiting and more of my family showing up to greet our miracle. 

Contractions came roughly every two minutes or so. I was still hanging strong with no pain medication. The doctors slowly increased the oxytocin but after about four hours, they came into my room and started checking vitals. They watched the heart monitor for baby's heartbeat. I was asked to lay on my left side for a moment and then asked to roll over to my right side. As they helped me roll over, another nurse asked me to put on the oxygen mask. The medication caused me to have back to back contractions, which caused baby's heart rate to drop. They got it back up. Docs and nurses were on it and got everything back in order. He was doing good now and had hiccups. His heart rate was about 163 now. I'm was contracting without the medicine so they kept it the oxytocin off for the time being.

Labor slowed down quite a bit with the contractions after a few hours of not being on the oxytocin, so they came back in and started it back up. At this time I was 4-5 cm dilated, 50% effaced. My main intentions with labor was to have a vaginal delivery and avoid a c-section unless medically needed. Around six that afternoon, the epidural was given to me. They allowed time for the epidural to kick in before breaking the water.

Around 8 PM, they slowly broke the water. This was one part which terrified me. I remembered the doctor mentioning at one of my appointments that with so much amniotic fluid, a prolapsed cord was a risk. The doctor came in with several nurses. They clipped the sack and let the fluid slowly drain. I was amazed at how much fluid there was. It filled two medical pads and lots of towels. As the fluid drained, I became so much more comfortable. I actually felt the pressure disappear. 

My family sat around impatiently waiting for baby boy's arrival. It got to the point where everyone began making jokes about how to get baby to come out quicker. As they were making jokes, I noticed something different around 10:30 PM. I didn't say anything right away but the pressure got stronger. I whispered to my mom, "Something is different. There's so much pressure." 

As soon as I said this, my husband ran out of the room and got the doctor. She came in and checked me.... IT WAS TIME! My breath caught in my throat at those words. I didn't think I would ever hear that again, let alone give birth. I started crying. I couldn't believe we had made it this far. I had so many people in the delivery room with me but it didn't help the spiral of emotions. 

My aunt took Emma out of the room and the doctors prepared for a baby to be born. Since our rainbow had touched so many, the delivery room was full. All of my parents were there. (Mom, Dad, Step-Dad, Step-Mom) It was a very special moment and the support I had was overwhelming. Once I was in position to push, anxiety took over. I listened to those around me and concentrated on giving birth to my son. I could hear everyone around me commenting on how much hair they could see. Then, when he was head out, I heard my family crying that he looked beautiful. The entire time I couldn't help but to think.... "Why hasn't he cried yet?" Panic set in and I started crying. The tears were from the lack of hearing my son cry and fear of loosing him in the process of laboring. 

For the first time during a labor, the doctor called my husband over (who had on sterile gloves) and told him to get ready. She explained to me to bare down and push. I did as I was told. Several pushes later, our son landed in the waiting arms of his very happy father. My husband helped me birth our son. As soon as baby boy was clear, they gently laid him on my stomach. 

It was love at first sight. I cried out..."Why isn't he crying?" as the doctors used baby blankets to rub him down and that's when I heard his precious cry. I lost it. I grabbed my son and cried out with so much joy, love, and relief. My rainbow had made it safely into this world! The entire room erupted into tears, joy, and happiness. 

At 11:02 PM on September 1, 2014 (Labor Day) Jaxson Scott Buda was born. He weighed 6 lbs 13 oz. and was 19 3/4 in. long. His cries were music to my ears and as I glared at my new baby I couldn't help but to look up to the sky and thank the Lord above for my blessing. I cried out thanking Him for our miracle!

We did it.... 37 week mark!!!!

YAYYYYY!!!! We hit our goal of 37 weeks as of yesterday. I'm super excited. I had my check up with the doctor yesterday, along with another ultrasound. This visit didn't go as smoothly as they have been. My first appointment out of the two was for the ultrasound. Baby boy biophysical profile with an 8/8, once again. Which is really good. The amniotic fluid seems to be stable for now. He was very active during the tests and gave us a great show.

This appointment was a bit different because my sister and nephew joined in. My nephew is three. His reaction to seeing Jaxson on the screen was adorable. He made comments such as "I just love him." I didn't know which was cuter, my son wiggling around or the out of the blue things my nephew was saying about my son.

Once the ultrasound was complete, we waited about an hour for the next appointment, which was to check in with the doctor. The same routine happened. They called my name and showed me to a room in the back. I mentioned to the nurse that it's hard to feel baby move compared to contractions. My entire belly is always rock hard and it's really sore. She talked to the doctor who decided it'd be best to hook me up to the non stress testing machine to check on contractions.

The first nurse had a bit difficulty finding Jaxson's heartbeat where it was loud enough for the machine to register the BMP. She found a spot where it was the loudest and added the straps to me. 

As soon as she finished with the first strap, she added the contraction monitor on and I went to town hitting the button as I felt baby boy moving around. He kept jumping away from the monitor for his heartbeat and the machine stopped picking it up. The machine picked up contractions as soon as the nurse pulled her hands away. However, they were far in between and told it they were braxton hicks. 

This is where the appointment changed without me first realizing it. The same woman who gave me trouble in the 35.5 week post I talked about. She pretty much oversees the non stress testing. She came over to me and started messing with the straps to find baby's heart beat again. I watched as my stubborn baby boy didn't work with her. After a few minutes of trying, she found him but had the blue circle monitor at an angle. She grabbed the straps and pulled them tight to keep the monitor in place. It didn't work, so she tightened the straps again. 

After she was done, she went back over to her desk and sat down. At that time, I noticed the top of my belly on the right side felt like it was stinging. I figured this must be another contraction. After a few minutes went by, I noticed baby boy hadn't moved and figured he went to sleep for a bit. The test totaled about 30 minutes. They weren't worried about baby boy's movement this round because I was there for the contractions. 

My doctor came in to check on me and update me with the information from the ultrasound. She also told me that I am scheduled on the books to be in Labor and Delivery on the very early morning of Sept. 1st. to start the induction process. Once she was done talking to me, she told me that the test was complete and she would see me on Thursday. 

The other woman who normally hooks me up, came back over. When she went to unstrap me, I noticed that she had to pull the strap tighter to unhook it. (Sort of like you do with a belt to get it off) She did the same thing with the second strap too. That's when I noticed that she had them wayyy too tight. I had the marks from the straps and the round plastic monitors on my belly. As soon as she pulled the straps tighter, I could feel the straps forcing baby boy to move, which caused me to feel sick. I told my husband my thoughts and he took a look at my belly.

Instantly I saw his facial expression change. It went from calm and content to anger. He said my belly was really red. As I walked out of the office, the burning pain that was on the upper front of my belly went around my right side and into the middle of my back. We left the doctors office and had a few stops to make on the way home. Therefore, it took us a few hours to get there. Once I got home, I realized the pain in my side was worse and the bottom of my belly started hurting too. 

My husband took a look at my belly and the marks were still there, even four hours later. This was the first time we had to call and make a formal complaint. I felt bad doing it, however, who knows what this has done. Even over 24 hours later, my belly is still sore. The top is red and feels like it's bruised, but there's not a visible bruise. I surely hope she didn't mess any thing up.

Once we talked to the doctors office today about this situation, they said that this woman will not be working with me for the remainder of the pregnancy and someone else will over see the non stress tests. 

36 Week Pregnancy Update

This past weeks appointments didn't bring much of a change since the last time I did an update. 

Last Monday's appointment went well and baby boy was extremely active for the ultrasound. He passed the biophysical profile with an 8/8. The ultrasound showed that the fluid went down a few, however, it doesn't take me out of the risk of preterm labor. It went from 29.66 to about 26. That's good. 

I had a Non Stress Test on Thursday. Baby boy was extremely active for this. He seems to hate when they have the straps on my belly. He makes them chase his heartbeat during the test with the monitor. I find it funny and I love seeing him give such a hard time. This shows me that we have a strong willed baby boy who knows what he wants. Honestly, it reminds me of our oldest daughter and her will power.

As for me, I am really not sure how much longer my body can physically handle being pregnant, which scares me. I know my doctor said that our goal was 37 weeks which is term. I have a lot of lower back and hip pain. As well as a burning feeling on the top, right side of my belly. Sometimes the pain shoots from the burning area to around my ribs, and to my upper back. Some times it's so bad it has me in tears. 

The doctor and I did discuss when we think this little guy should come into the world. If he doesn't make his appearance by the 1st of September, then I'll be induced. So, providing all goes as planned Jaxson should be here on Labor Day! 

That's the update for this week and I'll update you all at 37 weeks.... providing I'm still pregnant. 

35.5 week update

I had another appointment on Thursday. Normally, we go in just for a non stress test but this time was a bit different. The entire visit made me and my mom uncomfortable, but I'll explain that part in a minute. As for the new with baby boy, the polyhydramnios is still causing us issues. We went for the normal non-stress test, which went rather well. He was moving around and making it hard for me to sit still. The machine kept picking up his movements, which in turn made me laugh. That's when the contraction side of the test registered the laughs and documented it on the small print out. The test lasted for about twenty minutes before we were sent in for the unscheduled ultrasound. On Monday the amniotic fluid measured a slight bit higher at a 28. The doctor wanted to be sure this was accurate and wanted another ultrasound yesterday. 

Once we got into the ultrasound room and got comfy, the fluid level was checked. It measured from a 28 to a 29. Thus meaning it is slowly climbing. The doctor then decided it's time that we start talking about induction. So, when I go in on Monday, we will start the process/planning. I'll be sure to update you all as soon as I get the chance on Monday or Tuesday. 

As for why the visit made me uncomfortable.....

If you're an angel mom, you'll understand where I am coming from. If not, let me explain. It's hard to be pregnant directly after a loss, especially when you're continuing your prenatal care with the same OB office. At times it feels as if you're reliving the past with your angel. However, up until yesterday I felt okay with going to the same facility. I am normally called back from the opposite side of the room. The waiting room connects to the back of the office with two doors. One on each side of the waiting room. While I was pregnant with Dakota, they started my visit by calling me for

my appointment on the left side of the room. Once we go through the doors, my weight and blood pressure are taken. Then, I'm asked to leave a urine sample and I'm shown to a room where we wait on the doctor. It's the same procedure with baby boy, however it's on the opposite side of the office. I don't feel as if I'm reliving it. 

Yesterday was different. The nurse, who didn't introduce herself, called me back through the opposite side of the room. Yep, for the first time in eight months I walked the same path that I did with our angel baby. This immediately made me uncomfortable. The no name nurse then talked to me like I was stupid and had no clue what I was doing. She told me step by step what to do once we walked through the waiting room door. Needless to say... I felt as if I was stupid. I've only been pregnant three times and within my third pregnancy, I've been doing the same routine twice a week. I know what the heck I am doing. 

When my normal nurse takes my weight and blood pressure, she just waits for me to do my thing. There's no talking needed. I wait for the machine to clear before stepping up on it to get my current weight. Then I normally sit down, stretch out my left arm, and turn the inner part of my arm while trying to make it easier for the nurse. This no name nurse grabbed my arm and no so gently turned my arm back over. Then took my blood pressure. For the first time within this pregnancy, I was asked if I knew how tall I am. I wasn't sure. So, she made me feel stupid again by saying I should know. Then she measured my height. Once she was finished she said, "For future reference, you're 5'1", just so you know." If there wasn't a medical need to take my height, then why do it? 

She continued by saying I was there for a non-stress test and she continued to explain how it worked. All the while I'm thinking... "Did she even read my chart? She should see that I've been doing non stress tests for the last month each Thursday." I tried to inform her that my doctor also wanted me to have an ultrasound. That's when she made me feel as if I was a liar. She looked at the print out in her hand and said, "Well, you don't have one scheduled, so I'll have to see about that." Okay no problem. Do what you need to do. She directed me to a restroom so I can do my thing there and showed my mom and husband to the Non-Stress Test room. 

I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom overheard this nurse talking to the woman who oversees the NST's saying, "She claims they want her to have an ultrasound. I'll have to check that out." The other woman agreed. They both came off as if they didn't believe what I was saying. So, that ticked my mom off and it instantly put her in a bad mood. I could tell the vibes weren't so nice when I walked into the room and sat down. The woman who looks over the tests didn't say a word to me while she hooked me up. Usually we made small conversation and it is rather pleasant. However, this time I felt as if I was an inconvenience. Praise God that the test went quickly and my doctor showed up.

She announced in front of both of the women that if I'll follow her, she'll get me in for the unscheduled ultrasound she wants me to have. I exhaled and a bit of relief came over me when she said that because then I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. My doctor kindly asked for us to follow her to the ultrasound room and discussed everything with the ultrasound tech. From that point on, the appointment went up hill. 

However, the way I was made to feel makes me reflect back on one thing. Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that well. I rolled out of bed after a night of fighting to sleep. My lower back and right side was hurting because of all the pressure. So, in reality I didn't feel like doing my hair or make up. I didn't have a cute outfit on. I had a t-shirt with a pair of yoga pants. I looked the way I felt... like crud.

This goes to show that appearance has a lot to do with how you're treated in public. For each appointment I have been to, I have always had my hair done and so was my make up. I also tried my best to dress somewhat presentable. However, yesterday I did none of this. Normally, I'm treated with the utmost respect. The one day I go in looking less than presentable, I am treated like crap. 

So, for those of you who work in the health field with pregnant women, please remember that even though they may NOT look presentable in your eyes, that doesn't mean you can treat them any different. As a matter of fact, it shouldn't matter what they look like regardless. 

In the end... our graves will look the same. A six foot hole in the ground! Everything in this life, materialistic wise, doesn't matter. It's what is on the inside that matters. Remember before you judge someone, be sure you're perfect and free of any flaws!

Ignorance With Loss- Speaking Out

It's absolutely heartbreaking when I'm surfing the Internet and actually see just how ignorant people are when it comes to child loss. Today I saw a news article on wpxi.com that pertained to a couple in California who gave birth to an angel. Immediately I had to read it and absolutely loved it. I love the fact that even though it's not my story or about my precious Dakota, it's still bringing awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

I then felt the need to share Dakota's picture too. For some reason when I see anything on this subject, I have the need to put my daughter out there too. I want people to know she existed and she lived. 

What broke my heart was the response the family got to their photo's of their sleeping angel when they were brought to the attention of the public. Each comment was as if someone had taken a knife and pushed it into my heart. 

Ignorance like these comments:

• "Private pictures ok. Dead babies on the internet no."

•  "Dead Babies on the Internet" - I feel like there is a social commentary type punk rock song in here somewhere...

• People grieve in their own way but the pictures should be kept private within the family not plastered everywhere on the internet and Facebook

• I think it's morbid and constitutes abuse of corpse.

• Not sure how I feel about that one 

1 in 4 women experience child loss in some form...some experience it multiple times. I am 1 in 4. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days. If you have NEVER lost a child, feel blessed because it does change who you are and how you deal with things. I am glad people are speaking out about it and raising awareness. How dare you pass judgement on grieving mothers for having pictures done. Grow up and realize all life is precious and stop being petty. These comment dig deep down inside and bother the heck out of me. Value every second of life. 

Until you lose a child at birth, you have no idea the pain and loss you feel. I feel that no one should have to experience this. It is not warped or disturbing to take photo's of your sleeping angel. What makes you so high and mighty that you can judge? 

Those of us that have lost babies cope in different ways. Don't put the grieving parents down because it is not the way you would choose to grieve. Everyone who thinks this is morbid just can't handle the truth that yes these situations do happen. This is the truth to child loss  Families get photos because it's their child. They will share these with their future children and so on. It's comfort for them to see their little angel. 

IF you're one of those people who deem it warped or disturbing, do me a favor.... chose one of your children you choose to live life without. Yeah, pick one. Doesn't matter which. Now... imagine choosing a headstone for that child. Or how about this, imagine what that child would look like laying in a casket. You know... "dead and disturbing". Ohhh look at that... I hit a nerve. I bet you can't even imagine either one of these scenarios. Can you? 

Now.. picture funeral music playing, flowers, and your last kiss before the casket is closed forever. Remember this will be the last time you will EVER see your child again on this earth. Oh, now they're getting ready to bury your child. They lower the casket as you force yourself to look away. Next they throw the dirt in the hole where your child was just lowered. Let me tell you... IT SUCKS!!!!!

You have NO right to sit back and judge me as an angel mother for how I choose to deal with the loss of my child. Therefore, until you experience it.. how about you educate yourself about Pregnancy and Infant Loss? Or how about this... reach out and send comfort to a family who was forced to say goodbye before they even had the chance to say hello! Until then, I'll shout it from the roof tops and the mountain tops that my daughter LIVED! You have no right to either like or dislike what I choose to do until you have been here yourself! Plain and simple!!!! 

Things I Wish I Knew BEFORE Pregnancy After Loss (PAL)

***I read an article yesterday with the same base line of this article. I'm writing my version because there are things I'd like to add in with from my perspective. To read the original article, click here.*

Pregnancy can be an emotional, yet joyful time for a soon to be Mommy! The anticipation of meeting your newest family member builds up over the nine months and by the end of the pregnancy everyone is anxious to meet the newest family member.

However, the joys, hopes, and dreams are changed for those who are pregnant after a loss. Well, as a matter of fact, EVERYTHING changes and the angel Mom is never the same with any future pregnancies. 

Here are the things I wish I would have been told before my pregnancy with my rainbow:

1. TTC (Trying to Conceive) is an emotional nightmare. My husband and I decided that we wanted to try for our rainbow baby about three months after the loss of our precious daughter. I didn't realize how different it would be. The fun was gone and it was work once we had the agreement of my doctor. (He suggested I waited three full menstrual cycles before trying again.) The first month we tried, it wasn't successful and I felt as if I failed. The feelings that went through me were overbearing. I had a hard time with TTC and just sex in general. The fun and quality time with my husband turned into a bunch of thoughts like "I wonder if it'll happen this time?" or "I pray I'm tracking everything right so it happens now." I anxiously waited for that time of the month and when it arrived, I broke down and cried. I honestly felt like it was going to take me forever to conceive or I wasn't ever going to again. At this time, I no longer trusted my body to do it's thing because it had just failed me several months before. Then the cycle of TTC started again. It was really depressing mixed with fear and anxiety. 

2. Finding out your pregnant isn't the same as it once was. The moment the positive test came in I had mixed emotions about it. During the time we were TTC, I would imagine what the moment would be like when I finally saw that our prayers were answered. Would I scream with excitement? Would I cry from fear? Would I tell others right away or keep the news to myself?  I was four days late and felt as if it was a joke. My cruel body was doing it again. Boosting up my spirit with hope only to crash it at any moment with the dreaded menstrual time. I didn't tell my husband that I was going to take the test. He was sleeping from working the night before and I ran to the store to get the test. I took the test alone in the bathroom and those three minutes felt like forever. POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. Literally. I thought the test was wrong. It was too good to be true. I've heard it said that if it feels too good to be true...it usually is. This is what kept running through my mind. I thought the test had to be wrong and it that it was a defective test. Of course, I took another one. That too was positive. I fell to my knees and cried. Part of me wanted to believe it and the other part was trying to tell me it was a joke. Fear and anxiety snuck in at this moment even more. Once I pulled myself together and told my husband, all I could think of was "What's going to happen?" "Will I be able to handle another stillbirth if it were to happen again?" 

3. You'll constantly expect something bad to happen. Realization of the new pregnancy took a while to sink in even after taking two at home tests, I needed to have it confirmed by the doctor. This was a task all on it's own. With a stillbirth in my history, I was considered high risk from the start. The doctor did a urine test to confirm the pregnancy. This one was positive too. However, I didn't think it was right. The doctor pulled me into the ultrasound room and showed me the sack, baby, and the flicker of a heartbeat. This is when I allowed it to start sinking in. I was really pregnant. From that point on, I constantly worried about what I would see when I needed to use the restroom. I was always expecting to see blood. I was told it's normal after experiencing a traumatic ordeal like we had with our daughter. The fear that at any moment something bad will happen only leads to even more anxiety and fear.

4. The bad pregnancy symptoms most people dread, become your best friend. I know in my first pregnancy I didn't feel anything regarding those symptoms. However, with my angel I had the morning sickness like crazy. It started within my pregnancy with my rainbow too. But this time, I welcomed it. I wanted to feel sick and have my breast hurt. This was a sign to me that everything at that moment was okay. I would panic when I felt good. I automatically thought something was wrong and ran to the bathroom once again expecting to see blood. When the first trimester was coming to an end and so did the symptoms, I kept thinking something happened and the baby had died. 

5. Doctor appointments ease some of the fear. I lived for the visits to the doctor. I would count down the days until I was able to go in. However, when it came time it also brought on a new set of worries. "Will there be a heartbeat this time?" was the main question I'd ask myself on the morning of my appointments. With being high risk not only did the doctor want to see me but he also requested ultrasounds too. I remember the first ultrasound with my rainbow. I was waiting in the doctors office holding back tears because of the fear of no heartbeat when it came time for the ultrasound. At this point, this was the first ultrasound I had since I lost my daughter and I was afraid my rainbow would have the same fate. By the time I was laid back on the bed and the tech was checking the heartbeat, I could no longer hold back my tears. I cried and without realizing it, I held my breath until the tech said the heartbeat was there. This became routine at every visit.

6. Others will expect you to be okay now that you're pregnant again! What I didn't realize is that I thought this too. I thought that since I'd be pregnant... I'd be okay but this wasn't the case at all. I was and have been far from okay. Being pregnant after a loss doesn't make all those feelings from the loss go away. In fact, they only become stronger. At times I sat and remembered my pregnancy more with my angel than with my rainbow. I'd sit on the couch listening to the heartbeat on the at home doppler I purchased while remembering my angels heartbeat. This was the case during the entire pregnancy. I believe this is okay because you can't forget one child because you have another.

7. Anxiety will over take you in the first trimester when you can't feel the baby move.  I remember saying that once our rainbow would begin moving, I'd be okay. However, the road there was rough. I wanted so badly to feel our rainbow move that I ached for it at times. This would be another indication that the baby was fine. It seemed as if the first trimester went by very slowly. 

8. However, you'll worry even in the second trimester after you can feel the baby's movements. I waited so long for the movement of my rainbow. Once it had happened I wasn't sure about it. I panicked when I couldn't feel the baby move with each movement, which caused me to run back to the heart doppler again. So it wasn't as reassuring as I thought it would be.

9. The fact that you WILL obsess about the baby moving as time goes by. When the kicks were more frequent, I needed to feel them. I felt like something was wrong if I didn't feel my baby move. When I wouldn't feel him move, I would began to panic and fall back on the heart doppler. I was very tuned into the baby's movements.

10. When seeing another pregnant woman, jealousy will happen. I know this one to be true. I still do it to this day during my 34th week of pregnancy. I get mad, too. The reason is because they still have that innocent joy within their pregnancy and they don't know this new world I was forced into. At times I caught myself immediately disliking her because of her genuine smile that wasn't hiding fear in the deep dark shadows of her heart. Do I have joy now? Yes, however it's always mixed with another emotion. I don't believe I'll ever feel pure joy when it comes to my kids again.

11. You will Google or call your doctor with EVERY symptom you have. I can't tell you how many times during this pregnancy I have resorted to Googling what was going on with me and then calling the doctor. Each new thing that happens within pregnancy will have one wondering if it's normal or if it's an indication that something is wrong. 

12. Any speed bump between conception and delivery will scare you!  When I was diagnosed within this pregnancy with Polyhydramnios, which is too much amniotic fluid. I went home and cried. I explained how this made me feel in another post here. This put me on bed rest and to limit my activity to ensure I didn't bring on pre-term labor. Deep down inside I felt as if my baby had the same outcome as my angel. Each appointment is only more anxiety and doesn't help to calm me until I hear the words: You're baby isn't in danger. 

13. Fear doesn't go away as you reach birth. My loss was at 40 weeks 5 days. I have no days to "just get past" and nothing to ease my fears. The fears of loss with my rainbow only increase as I get closer to D-day. Everything during pregnancy isn't predictable and this is scary. With six weeks left, I'm a bundle of nerves and there's nothing I can do to provide some comfort. 

These are my comments with each point made in the original post. I hope this helps someone out there to see how things have been for me pregnancy wise and I hope this gives some insight to someone who is PAL.

If you are PAL, add your comments below if I missed something on my end.

Not PAL? Did this article help you understand better?

Rainbow Pregnancy- Week 34 update

Today I hit the 34th week of pregnancy. It's been rough lately with the diagnosis of the Polyhydramnios, however at today's appointment I got some great news. 

My belly is measuring great for the 34th week. Doctor said that it's measure 34 in on the measuring tape, which is right where it should be. The amniotic fluid has decreased a little bit which is good. They are still going to monitor me and baby twice a week due to the fact that it can change at any time.

The ultrasound was a blessing once again. (Who wouldn't love getting to see their unborn child every week?) Baby boy wasn't working with us. All he wanted to do was sleep. This made it hard to do the biophysical profile. He passed every point they look for within the test, except for the practice breathing. He didn't do it during the test. Therefore, this week he's scored an 8/10. That's not bad.

For those who aren't sure what a biophysical profile is... It's a test that combines an ultrasound with a non-stress test to provide more information about baby's breathing and movement, as well as the volume of amniotic fluid in the uterus. This is how they can also see where the fluid is measuring. So, it's a pretty important test. 

I go in on Thursdays for the non stress tests. Last weeks results revealed that baby is doing well in this part too. So, prayers have been answered this week. Please continue to pray for our rainbow and this situation. All prayers are greatly appreciated.

Maternity Pictures- Session One

Here's the first session of our maternity photo's. My older sister took them right after our baby shower. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

*All images are copyright protected*

I hope you enjoyed viewing the photo's as much as we did having them done. Providing baby stays where he's at for another few weeks, we plan on doing a second session!!!

Pregnancy Update- Not so Great: Week 33

On Monday July 28th I went into the doctor for my bi-weekly check up. I was scheduled for an ultrasound and then had an appointment directly after with my high risk doctor. When going in I was super stressed because I thought something was off. During the week leading up to the appointment, I was sure I was very slowly leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't run into the doctor right away because some of the things that was going on didn't match to the symptoms of leaking the fluid. 

As soon as the ultrasound tech took us back, I asked her to double check two things. The first is the sex of the baby due to the fact that I've been having dreams that we were actually having a girl. The second was the amniotic fluid to ease my concerns. Once I got comfy and she was ready, it was confirmed that we are most definitely having a little boy. It eases my concerns because I'm in the process of donating what's left of our angel baby's stuff to our church. I wanted to be sure I wouldn't need these items in the very near future. 

The second concern seemed to pan out well too. She did the measurements of the fluid and said that it was most definitely not low. Therefore, I was not leaking any fluids. After she checked these, she did the normal measurements of Jaxson's arms, legs, belly, and head. We watched him practice breath for a little bit. He wiggled around and put on a show for us. I totally enjoyed the show. 

Here are a few pictures we got from this past visit:

Hanging out and relaxing during the check.

We must have been boring. 

He stuck his tongue out at us.

He decided it was nap time.

After we got the prints from the scan, we went back out to the waiting room to wait on the doctor. I was in my glory. Up to this point within my pregnancy, I have been very blessed to have a healthy baby who's growing on track and no complications. While waiting I did what most expectant mom's do...I stared at my son's pictures with a goofy smile on my face while falling even more in love with him. 

I was called back shortly after getting comfy. This part of the appointment add a bit more reassurance for me but the ultrasounds take any anxiety away. Well, for that moment. I had my weight checked and blood pressure checked. Those were right on track. Then, the doctor came in. 

My entire world changed once again. The ease and peace of mind slowly went out the window as the doctor continued to talk. The more words she said, the closer to tears I went. I had been diagnosed with a rare condition that affects every 1 out of 100 women. That's a 1% chance of developing it. She said I have Polyhydramnios. After this, I sort of zoned out with panic and heard bits and pieces. I knew she was sending me to the lab for blood work. Then, I heard her say higher risk of another stillbirth. That was it.... I completely checked out. I no longer wanted to be there. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry. 

Polyhydramnios basically means there is too much amniotic fluid in there with my baby. They went from seeing me every two weeks to twice a week. I'm on bed rest and not allowed to do anything that can cause contractions. We are praying for him to stay put until at least 37 weeks. I'm at risk for preterm labor. If the amniotic fluid goes up they are going to have to do an amniocentesis test. If the fluid goes to low they are going to have to do an emergency c section. 

After my appointment and we were on our way to the lab, I reached out to others for support and prayers. I was in shock. My rainbow baby wasn't in the total clear. Something was wrong and I couldn't fix it. I was scared and still am. I called my close family members and explained what was going on. After the lab got the blood drawn, I headed to the best place I could have been..... church. I needed the support of the Lord and my church family. 

At prayer meeting, the ladies prayed that the situation be fixed and no more complications come about. At the end of the meeting, my hope and faith had been restored. I felt calm and at ease once again. Deep down inside I still have the worry but I'm only human. In my heart, I know Jesus has this! 

So, there's the update. I go back into the doctors tomorrow morning to meet with the high risk doctor and to check in on Jaxson's vitals with a Non Stress Test. Please pray that this goes well and baby Jaxson is doing the best he can. 

Thanks everyone for your support! I truly appreciate it. Sincerely, 

Baby Jaxson- Week 31 Update

I had another appointment yesterday to check in on baby Jaxson. I was really worried about him due to all the stress I have recently been going through. He had been active for several days in a row and then his activity seemed to drop. 

As I was telling the nurse this, she suggested us to hook me up to the Non Stress Test machine for a little while to be sure the baby was doing fine.

I wasn't sure how to feel about this since I haven't gone through this part yet. The doctors have talked to us about it and have tested the baby during ultrasounds, however I wasn't put in the Non Stress test room. That ended as of yesterday. 

For those of you who haven't went through a non stress test, it's rather simple. You relax in the chair with your feet up. They have two monitors strapped to your belly. One is to measure any contractions you may have during the test and the other measures the baby's heart rate. Then, they give you a button to push when you feel baby move. It's that easy. 

The test lasted for about a half an hour. I enjoyed listening and feeling Jaxson moving. However, I do not think he likes the straps on my belly. He tried to kick them off the entire time. This was the most movement I had felt the entire 24 hours that I noticed the decrease in his movements. It was so relieving and I had to fight back tears. The relief that washed over me made me hopeful once again. 

My blood pressure and weight were good. This time when I saw the high risk doctor, the visit didn't last very long. It seemed as if she was in a rush compared to the male doctor I usually see. I had questions that I didn't quite remember to ask, so now I'll have to wait until my next appointment. Well, that unless these questions needs answers as soon as possible. 

One thing I have trouble with now that I didn't have in the beginning is restless leg syndrome. This crap drives me nuts at night because it's soooo hard to sleep. As I just fall asleep, I get the sudden urge to move my legs. At times it either feels like pins and needles or a crawling feeling all over my feet and legs. As you can guess, with the lack of sleep, I'm constantly tired. This makes for a long day the next day if I need to wake up early or I end up sleeping until eleven in the morning. (Which I hate!)

Well this is the update for this round. I go back again on July 28th. They also have me scheduled for an ultrasound to check in on Jaxson. So, I'm pretty excited to see him again. I pray the ultrasounds keep coming because they are what keep me hopeful and sane! 

Baby Jaxson Progress

I thought it would be cool to see how much my baby belly has changed since December.... take a look...

7 weeks pregnant

 17 weeks

18 weeks

24 weeks

 25 weeks

More recent photo's to come.... 

So, what do you think?