The title says it all. I'm currently battling depression and anxiety. I have been since I was a child. I recall as I was growing up, everyone calling my emotional turns as "RaeBeth moments." When in reality, it was depression and anxiety. When I'd be having an emotional day, family would ask me, "Is it raining in your world?" Both of these "tags" were given to me even though deep down inside they hurt my feelings. I didn’t, and still don't, understand what's going on.
I have been to several different doctors about this and I have tried many different medications. I have lost people within my life because they just couldn't handle my "difficult" attitude. When in reality, they couldn't handle me with depression. At times, I don’t feel like even getting out of bed. I just want to sleep. I even say that I hate my life. I hate the depression and anxiety. I hate that people around me take it as a joke and not something serious. They take me as a joke and not serious. When deep down inside, I just want them to understand.
I want the jokes to stop. I don't want to feel worthless in everything I do. I want to feel loved and respected. There has been many times where I contemplated taking my own life. But then my daughter's beautiful smiling face comes into my mind. I can't bare leaving her behind. I don't want her to grow up without her mother. So, I get up and push on. I have a hard time with normal daily tasks. Ones that others find second nature to them. Such as fixing my hair or doing my makeup.
There are days where I just feel over-whelmed and it seems the entire world is against me. Like everyone is out to get me. On days such as today, I don't want to be around people. I only want the comfort of my home. I hardly leave my house. It takes me everything I have and everything I am just to get ready knowing that eventually I have to walk out the door. Once I am out my door, I do have fun. I do enjoy the time. It's just pushing myself to do it that is hard.
I find myself making excuses when it comes to family gatherings and holidays where I will be around a lot of people. I just don't like leaving my home. If I'm out shopping, I try to keep myself close to one of the exits to ensure that if a panic attack comes on, I can leave without making a scene. I keep my cell phone in hand (if my fiancé and daughter go off while I do the shopping) so I can easily call him and tell him that it's time to go. This happens to me all the time.
Life with depression and anxiety is hard. Every day it seems as if you’re on a roller coaster of emotions. But you just don’t know which emotion will hit you first. I wish for each tear that I cry; that's how many more people understand depression and see that it's real. Each tear that falls, I wish that just one more person will look at me like I'm human and not just "over-emotional." FYI I can't control the emotions therefore over-emotional doesn't even begin to describe what I feel.
In conclusion, it seems that medications only make it worse and talking to a complete stranger isn't what I call logic.... the best way I can figure to deal with this is to talk about it and find someone out there that understands. Someone I can talk to and confide in without the fear of judgment. I know that person is out there; if so, I'm begging you, PLEASE find me.
RaeBeth....
ReplyDeleteAlthough we have our arguments and don't always agree please know that I do love you and you mean SO much to me as my little sister. It hurts to hear you talk about taking your own life. I'm happy that the thought of Emma keeps you here with us but Emma isn't the only person that needs you here. I need you here!!!!! You are my sister and we've always been together no matter the situation in life. I cannot imagine life without you and I never want to have to know what that feels like. I've been the same place you are before I started meds and therapy so I know how terrible you feel from head to toe. Granted the meds and talking to a psych doctor has helped me causing me to be in MUCH better mental health but I still remember that place. Trust me, I know what it feels like to pray just to not wake up, cry yourself to sleep at night because things are all messed up and there are no words to explain yourself. I've had the thought of "what would be the fastest least painful way to end it all. Please know Beth ... that I do love you and I want us to be old and grey griping about our kids and yelling at other people's kids for having no respect *LOL*
In addition to all of that I do care about your writing and support you every step of the way. Just because I don't post or reply often doesn't mean that I don't care.... I think you have the potential be a good author. I want to help you succeed in anyway that I can. I love you Beth don't allow depression/anxiety to win and take you away from a family that truly loves and cares about you <3... If I could offer you any advice in battling depression/anxiety go to a psychiatric doctor, bypass the whole seeing a family doctor and just go into psychiatric office lay all you thoughts out (no matter the order or emotion that comes with it) let the psych doc pick through everything you let out. That's what they do. In regard to meds .... you just gotta keep trying until you find one that works ... there are tons of meds for people like us. Please don't loose hope -- you can feel better and smile for real, promise .... I love you!!!! You are & always will be my little sister :)
Raebeth first off let me express my deepest apoligy for not being there for you as much as you needed me to be in the past. I do love you very very much. And to think of my lif without you init is plainly an unbareable tought. PLEASE tell me and the rest of those who love you how we can help you through this. Remember when I said that sometimes we need to keep repeating ourselves until our message gets through,? Well that also includes your entire family.
ReplyDeleteIt brakes my heart to see your emotions in such a shamble. I have tried to be there for you in whatever comes our way, but, maybe I havent tried hard enough.
PLEASE PLEASE dont give up on me, And I promis NOT to give up on you. I have always been taught to be a strong woman and inturn I have pushed that lesson on you girls. But sometimes we need othes to be strong for us. And im here for you.... I love you
mom
I just want you to know that you aren't alone. You aren't the only one dealing with depression or anxiety. There ARE people who understand, and I can tell you right now I've been there. I UNDERSTAND. I know what it feels like to reach out to people you trust and not be taken seriously. I know what it feels like to drag your feet, to mentally kick and scream every time you have to get up and get ready and walk out that door. I know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep every night and how much it hurts to know you can't stop the tears.
ReplyDeleteI ALSO know that there are people willing to help, people willing to listen, people who understand, and people who care. You CAN beat this...it isn't easy and it'll come and go, but you can do it! Remember, baby steps, find something in your life that makes you smile and try not to let go of it, hold it there as long as you can. Hit the bad thoughts with that one little good thought if you can. Try to find someone who's willing to push you out that door and is determined to make you have fun...
I know I'm a total stranger, but I DO understand and I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Beth: You are LOVED very a numcer of people and, some of them know exactly how you feel, but beleive me@ doing somwthing to ur self isn't the answer, because death is finial . there is no coming back from it, once it's done it's done, and our family has been through to many of those kinds of deaths and the hurt never goses a way because u keep on thinking why and what, could or should i have done to help and u just keep on thinking this forever. It's been since 1986 the first one of Pete's brothers killed themselves an their was 3 of them the 1 in 86, 1 in 93 an 1 in 07,or 08, an the family that are still here are the ones that have to still go on with out them and still dill with life just as it is and still cry everyday because they miss the one person that isn't hers anymore, and for why, just because thewy just didn't want to try to deal with life so they took the easy way out. LIFE is hard for everyone and if we all did something to ourselves their would be know one left on tis earth but the aminals, but I LOVE YOU and YOUR HOLE FAMILY LOVES YOU and WE ALL NEED YOU EXSPACELY EMMA, THINK of her where would she be without her mother around to give LOVE AN ADVICE WHEN SHE NEEDS IT, the kind only the kind a mother can give? OK well i guess i've saide enought so i'll stop with a I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND PLEASE DON'T FORGET IT.<3
ReplyDeleteRaeBeth, first of all, let me start out with... I LOVE U VERY VERY MUCH!!!!!! And i'm so very proud of you for working so hard at making your dream come true with the writing. You are so very talented!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with what Jen and Willow said. With me working at the office I work at... I see ppl that are in your same situation every single day. There are hundreds of different medications out there. You may have only been through 5 of them.
Keep trying and don't give up. Call your insurance plan and make a list of all the covered meds & the dr will go down the list. If you've already tried those, we can do prior auths to get u the ones that aren't covered.
Therapy is good for you too. Once you make a connection to your therapist you will actually look forward to seeing her once or twice a month, seriously.... u may not think it now, but so many patients i've talked to said the same thing you did about talking to a stranger... and now they leave the office feeling so much better inside and they look forward to talking to her :-)
You have great insurance, schedule another appt. You need to take care of your self... physically and mentally.
Love U sis! I don't like seeing you go through this pain and suffering and having those thoughts of taking your life... please please please do what is best for yourself and seek help from a doctor.
I want to be old and gray with you and complain about our kids and stuff too!
I'll pray for you Beth <3