At this point, I wonder if anyone even cares. It's like the moment someone hears the words, "my baby died" they turn their attention else where. It's so hard to know when I can fully express myself and my feelings. As a person grieving, I'm the type who needs to express how I feel or these feeling will kill me on the inside.
Everyday is a struggle. I wake with an attitude where I don't want the heartache to control me, but sometimes the pain over rides me. Anything can add to this as well. As of lately, it seems as if I am seeing newborn baby girls and pregnant women everywhere. Of course, it hurts like hell. But I'm to the point where I feel, expressing myself is wrong. People are tired of hearing it. They're getting annoyed. Although this may not be the case, it's how I feel.
I hate it. It's like I'm living in this world alone. Yes, I know other angel mommies but their many miles away from me. A virtual hug is nothing close to the real thing. It's sad to say, but I don't even have my husband to talk to. It hurts him too much to talk. So, he'd rather not talk about Dakota.
Where are all those people that hugged me on the day of Dakota's funeral, while telling me, "If you need anything...anything at all. Call me. I will be there. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. I will be there."
Phone call after phone call.... it's one excuse after another. Sorry I can't talk because.... that's how it always starts. So much for being there for me.
STOP and I mean STOP telling me I need to see a doctor. If and when I decide I NEED one, I'll seek one. But right now, I have GOD. He's the ultimate doctor. If He can't heal me (which isn't possible) then who can? STOP telling me I'm not giving it all to Christ, because I am. You don't see me behind closed doors, sitting on my bed, and crying out in prayer over my Bible.
I'm tired of people telling me how to grieve or what isn't right about what I am doing. EVERYONE does their own ways when it comes to grieving. I hate when you do this. It makes me feel worse.
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE LEFT ALONE? I'll let you know when I need you, but when I do... I'm looking for comfort... not for the "advice" of going to a shrink. In all honesty, I have yet to find one in my area that my insurance pays for.... that IS an angel parent. No text book out there can tell me how to get better.
In closing, back off and let me breath. Believe me... I know when I'm not okay and I'll know when and if I need the help of a doctor. But for now.... let me..... be me!!!