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Thursday, October 3, 2013

Inside of my Story...

"We lost her. We lost the baby." - This was the first thing I said to my baby sister as reality set in on the day my husband, daughter, and I lost our much anticipated newest addition to our family to stillbirth. Dakota Emily Buda was born into heaven on May 27, 2013. From that point on, my life has changed in so many ways.

At this point, I wonder if anyone even cares. It's like the moment someone hears the words, "my baby died" they turn their attention else where. It's so hard to know when I can fully express myself and my feelings. As a person grieving, I'm the type who needs to express how I feel or these feeling will kill me on the inside.

 Everyday is a struggle. I wake with an attitude where I don't want the heartache to control me, but sometimes the pain over rides me. Anything can add to this as well. As of lately, it seems as if I am seeing newborn baby girls and pregnant women everywhere. Of course, it hurts like hell. But I'm to the point where I feel, expressing myself is wrong. People are tired of hearing it. They're getting annoyed. Although this may not be the case, it's how I feel.

I hate it. It's like I'm living in this world alone. Yes, I know other angel mommies but their many miles away from me. A virtual hug is nothing close to the real thing. It's sad to say, but I don't even have my husband to talk to. It hurts him too much to talk. So, he'd rather not talk about Dakota.

Where are all those people that hugged me on the day of Dakota's funeral, while telling me, "If you need anything...anything at all. Call me. I will be there. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. I will be there."

Phone call after phone call.... it's one excuse after another. Sorry I can't talk because.... that's how it always starts. So much for being there for me.

STOP and I mean STOP telling me I need to see a doctor. If and when I decide I NEED one, I'll seek one. But right now, I have GOD. He's the ultimate doctor. If He can't heal me (which isn't possible) then who can? STOP telling me I'm not giving it all to Christ, because I am. You don't see me behind closed doors, sitting on my bed, and crying out in prayer over my Bible.

I'm tired of people telling me how to grieve or what isn't right about what I am doing. EVERYONE does their own ways when it comes to grieving. I hate when you do this. It makes me feel worse.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE LEFT ALONE? I'll let you know when I need you, but when I do... I'm looking for comfort... not for the "advice" of going to a shrink. In all honesty, I have yet to find one in my area that my insurance pays for.... that IS an angel parent. No text book out there can tell me how to get better.

In closing, back off and let me breath. Believe me... I know when I'm not okay and I'll know when and if I need the help of a doctor. But for now.... let me..... be me!!!


  1. Raebeth...I have no words to comfort you... We travel very different paths. But yet I find myself feeling the same feelings. People do desert you, it is not imagined. And people do not "get it" most don't even try. There are so many empty promises and it flat out hurts. I found that speaking the truth and calling them out helped. Then I shut them out. But I have also found some wonderful people do still exist. And those are the ones I surround myself with. A loss as great as you have experienced is unfathomable... You are alive and still functioning that is more than many could do in your position. You will never get judgement from me. Hang in there...If there is something I can do to help please just ask...And I DO mean it! xo

  2. Hey sweets,I know I'm one of those far away friends but if you need you ever just need someone to listen just let me know.I don't don't mind giving you my number if you need someone to be able to call.I probably won't have any advise but I can listen and pray with you.I believe you are a grieving mother,which you have every right to be,last Sunday the preacher said if you need to morn than take the time to morn there is nothing wrong with that and God doesn't expect us to just be fine after tragedy and pain.Yes,there is also a time to come out of the morning period but that time is up to you and God no one else. I've seen your pain and grief in your posting but I've also seen your faith and know you are securely being held in the arms of God.Much love <3


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