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Monday, July 7, 2014

Pregnancy without Fear.....

....not for this Momma!!

As of today I am 30 weeks into my pregnancy with our rainbow, Jaxson. Before the loss of our daughter Dakota, pregnancy was a time of hope, joy, and happiness. I enjoyed everything about it. I was excited to see that I was one of the few who actually LOVED being pregnant and everyone could see that with the way I held myself during the pregnancy. 

I never expected that my second pregnancy would end so tragically. I had hopes and dreams for Dakota, which was quickly taken away from me. Now I am given another blessing of pregnancy with a boy. At first I couldn't come to terms with the fact that we were blessed with a boy instead of a little girl. Deep down inside I wanted another daughter. I wanted the dreams that I had for Dakota to be passed on to our next daughter. However, that isn't going to happen because we are having a boy. It took me several weeks to come to terms with the fact that we were having a boy. 

For most of this pregnancy, I have found it really hard to bond with Jaxson. I'm honestly afraid to. I feel that if I fall in love and begin to get excited, he too will be taken away from me. My husband and Sunshine felt the same way too. We were all suffering very differently, however, I could not control my emotions and was constantly in fear. My husband handled it his way and our Sunshine was handling it in her way. 

I find myself wondering if I will be bringing a baby home this round in my arms or in my heart. I am part of several pregnancy after loss groups on Facebook and I have seen other angel mom's comment with "If I can just make it past X weeks, then I'll be fine." But what happens when everything is perfect during the ENTIRE pregnancy and labor comes on, then you find out your little one has passed into the arms of Jesus? There is no safe zone for me. 

As the weeks tick by (and they are VERY quickly), I become more anxious, scared, and worried. I so BADLY want my son to survive the birth, his first year, and many more years to come. However, I feel as if I am free falling from the Heavens and at any time I am going to crash land back to where I was a year ago. I fear that I'll go into labor and Jaxson will join his sister in Heaven instead of his family here on earth. 

I've prayed to the Lord about my anxiety and my fears. Do I believe the Lord would allow it to happen again? I want to say no because I don't believe he puts more on us than what we can handle. But how do I have my faith overpower my fears when the outcome would destroy me if the dreaded happened again?

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