Well, yesterday I had the 12 week ultrasound. It was very emotional for me. My morning started out great. I got Sunshine (my oldest daughter) off to school and got ready for the appointment. During this entire time, anxiety and fear were far from my mind and only happiness and hope filled me.
Hubby and I decided that with blood work directly after the ultrasound, a McDonald's sweet tea was in order. (Yes, I'm one of those people that suck when it comes to needles. If I'm not reclined and my sugar isn't jacked up, I'll pass out.) So, once I was ready we headed off for the tea.
On my way to the doctor after getting my tea, my nerves kicked in. I became scared. Crazy thoughts poured into my mind. What would I do if the ultrasound technician couldn't find the heartbeat? How would I react if the baby came up on the monitor and wasn't moving? The entire way to the doctors office, which is a 45 min drive) my stomach started churning and I felt sick.
I was super worried and scared. I NEEDED to see that this baby within was alive. I NEEDED to hear the heartbeat immediately. I hated feeling like this. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. No matter how much I fought it... tears fell from my eyes. I constantly prayed for a very active baby with a heartbeat.
The thoughts of... How will I get through this if it happens again? ran through my mind. The ride down felt as if it took forever and the same with finding a place to park. My nerves got the best of me and as soon as we walked into the building, I headed to the bathroom. I needed to let out a good cry and give myself a pep talk.
Hubby patiently waited outside while I pulled myself together. Once I felt that I could face the receptionist in the OB?GYN office, I headed up to the fourth floor. By the time we stepped off the elevator, my nerves were at it again. I simply wasn't strong enough to fight them off.
My legs were shaking as I made my way down the long hallway to the last door on the right. I pushed it open and asked my Hubby to check me in. I couldn't bare to stand any longer. My legs felt as if they were about to collapse, it was hard to breathe, and my stomach was hurting.
My appointment was scheduled for 1 PM. We had a few minute wait ahead due to the fact that we were the ONLY ones in the waiting room. (I silently thanked God for this one.) The receptionist called over to me and asked me a few questions. It was hard to find my voice but when I did, it was super shaky. I was scared.
Once checked in, they informed me that it wouldn't be too long. I stared off into space, watched the stupid show they had playing on the TV, and tried to keep my mind busy while watching Hubby play on his phone. That didn't work. Fifteen minutes into the wait, the receptionist called out that she was sorry and we wouldn't be waiting much longer.
I saw a woman come out from the side door holding pictures from her ultrasound. She had a big smile on her face and no worry any where. I couldn't help but to think... I'd love to have that innocents back and be free from my own nightmare. I hate thinking that at any time I could find out that I had lost another baby.... that my rainbow had died.
I watched this woman as she scheduled her next appointment. She stood with one hand rubbing her belly while the other held the photos. She looked so peaceful and happy. I could tell that she's never experienced a loss like I have. I know it was wrong but listening in I learned that she had one at home and obviously was expecting her second. She made it clear that everything went perfect for both pregnancies. Oh to be that blessed!!!
FINALLY, my name was called and I was pulled out of my tornado of emotions. I stood up, gathered my belongings, and headed towards the ultrasound technician.
"Hi, my name is Amber and I'll be doing the ultrasound today. How are you doing?" she asked me as she directed me down the hall.
Holding back the urge to cry, I answered in a shaky voice as tears welled up in my eyes, "I'm really scared."
She gave me a look of confusion but didn't say anything.
I handed her the form I was instructed to by my doctor and she told me to climb up on the table. A squirt of warm gel and a push of a few buttons.... felt like this had taken forever. Tears fell from my eyes as I waited to see my rainbow on the screen.
Then, I saw my baby. At first my heart dropped because I didn't see any movement. That's
At the end of the visit, she played the baby's heartbeat and all anxiety went out the door. The only thing that was to head off to get my blood drawn and then go home.
So here I am to say that I have successfully made it (almost) through my first trimester. On Monday.... I'll officially be 13 weeks and entering into the second trimester.