Let's Be Honest...TTC and Rainbows

First I'll start off by staying that up to this point, I have been extremely honest with the readers of this blog, but there are some things going on in which I haven't talked about. Therefore, I'm going to put it out there in hopes of possibly comforting another to show them that they're not the only person who feels this way. As well as put my opinion on a few matters out there too.

I'm part of many groups on Facebook that are based on either child loss or being pregnant. Some of the pregnancy groups I am part of are based on just happy mommy's sharing their experiences with one another, while others are mother's of an angel (or several) and understand where I'm coming from. This small piece comes from a few posts that I have seen within the pregnancy groups. First and foremost, the grief one feels after loosing a child doesn't completely disappear! EVER! It's always there waiting to show its ugly face in hopes of bringing the mommy down. It doesn't matter how long its been, the pain will eventually show back up in the most unexpected times. In the circumstance of child loss, I have felt and seen this many times. Within weeks or even months of the loss, mommy's begin thinking of trying for another baby. Several posts I have seen mentioned that the baby had gained his/her wings only weeks prior to the post within the group. The mom is claiming that she's ready to try for another. PLEASE... I understand how anxious you are but please don't hurry back into trying again. It doesn't matter whether or not you miscarried or gave birth, your body needs time to heal...and so does your heart. I've been on this journey with my angel for over ten months and pregnant with my rainbow for 16 weeks 6 days. So, I totally understand. Doctors suggests waiting 3 months (3 menstrual cycles) so the uterine lining can re-establish. If you rush into it the chances of another loss are greater.

I was told to wait at least 3 cycles before trying again. Several doctors I saw told me that it takes about that amount of time for the site where the placenta was attached to heal. Once we got the okay...then we started trying, but that wasn't until about 6 months after we lost our daughter at 40 weeks 5 days last May. Again I say...please don't try yet...... you need to say goodbye first and grieve. You can't ever replace your baby.Take time to process what has happened to you.  If you rush back into trying again... I REPEAT it could lead to a miscarriage!  

I too thought I was ready to start right away after losing our daughter. I realize now that I was not and it's taken time for me to heal just a little bit. You may think you've accepted it but you will continue to ask yourself why for a long long time. I think it's inevitable for us all to be terrified after what we have been through. However, you MUST take time to process everything. There's no way that after a few weeks or even a few months..you're fine and accepted it. 

(c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Which brings me to date... Yes I did mention that I am pregnant with my rainbow baby. But let me tell you this... it's been one hell of a ride since finding out on January 9th. As I progress within this pregnancy, it gets harder emotionally. I recently started feeling little flutters from my "rainbow squishy" (nickname my sister gave the baby). I am feeling them a lot more now and it scares me. I thought I'd be okay because it'd be me a peace of mind that baby's doing fine. Well, it does in a way, however it also reminds me of my precious angel. It reminds me that not even a year ago SHE did the kicking and the flutters. It reminds me of how my body seemed to do it's thing and all was semi good. Until my body betrayed me and I lost my daughter. You see, there is NO SAFE ZONE in pregnancy. You'll think... well if I can get past the mark where we lost our angel then all will be fine. That I will have to say is a BIG NEGATIVE! 

My husband and I went through my ENTIRE pregnancy where everything seemed PERFECT. That is a full 40 weeks 5 days. As it gets closer, my emotions go everywhere. I can't help but to think about my angels movements when I feel my rainbow. This was something I didn't think about when we began to try again. I didn't think about "What if we are blessed with a boy this time and not a girl? I'll have no choice but to donate our daughters stuff so we can make room for a little boy." This thought kills me. Yes, either way I'm going to love my baby. However, I can't get the want for a girl to go away because my heart is still with Dakota. I still have those dreams for her that will NEVER come true here on earth. 

In closing, I ask that you please take the time for YOU to GRIEVE and be sure that you will be able to handle all of these emotions before getting pregnant again. The roller coaster of emotions is enough to drive anyone crazy if they're not prepared.