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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

A Grief Journey..... Delayed by Faith and Saved by Hope

I never expected that I'd be an angel Mom. In all honesty, who does? When our Dakota gained her wings, I had carried her for 40 weeks 5 days. The emotional roller coaster that I went through is hard to explain. I went through periods where I was content with what happened. Then on other days, I hated the fact that I was chosen as an angel Mom. I went through periods of time where I didn't want to get out of bed and times where I felt as if I could run a marathon. 

Through the entire journey, I held tightly to my faith that there is something in store for me. Something to bring back the joy, love, and peace within my life. The miracle of life would do this for me. I've referred to my miracle as my rainbow since my doctor gave me the clear to try for another baby. Rainbow baby is a term not many know. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss. This can be either a pregnancy or infant loss.

I had been grieving for our daughter for the total of eight months when I learned my prayer had been answered. I was pregnant with my rainbow. This pregnancy has been an emotional journey for the past six months. I'm on an emotional overload. I'm still grieving for the child I lost while trying to cope with the fact that I'm pregnant. I try not to allow fear to overcome me but I am only human. I'm scared we will face another loss at the end of this pregnancy. There's no safe zone for us. I have heard so many people say that if they could just get past X weeks, then they would know all would be okay. But what happens when you're baby passes at birth? What happens when you give birth to death?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not in any form saying I regret becoming pregnant with our son. (Who has a name and it'll be announced when the time is right.) He's been such a blessing because I am taking each ache and pain with pride. I love them. Yep, you read that right and no, I'm not crazy. Before our loss I took advantage of the fact that I was pregnant. It never occurred to me by how blessed I really was. I was always so sour. I never felt the need to start a pregnancy book or take weekly photos. As a matter of fact, I have the total of three pregnancy pictures with Dakota. All of which I dislike the way I look because I seem so unhappy. 

Now, our son makes me see things differently. I've tried to keep up with the photos. In the beginning of the pregnancy not much has changed, therefore not many pictures can be taken. But I am now to the point of where I can no longer see my feet, stand too long due to swelling, and I'm ALWAYS hungry. 

I am now 24 weeks pregnant and loving every minute of it. I believe I wouldn't be where I am at when it comes to my grief if it weren't for me being saved by faith and hope. I believe I may have slipped into a dark place and stopped living. So, I wanted to give a small bit of hope to those who are still trying to conceive. Never give up and loose faith. You're hope for a rainbow is there and you will once again feel the joy life has to offer! 

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