Trust & Forgiveness
My biggest struggles in life right now.
A lot has happened to get me to the point in my life where
I struggle to forgive this particular person. You see.. when I thought I
had forgiven them, something came up to show me that this person wasn't being the person
they were putting off. They would repeatedly do the exact things to hurt me, yet expect
me to continually forgive them..
... and I did because what kind of Christian would I be if I didn't forgive those
who has wrong me like Christ forgave those who wronged him?
At times, I feel as if these feelings were going to consume me; leaving me unable to trust
fully once again. A lot of the time, I found myself living these past struggles, instead of enjoying
the here and now. I couldn't help it though.
The thought of this person being in these situations.. doing the things they did... replay in my mind
like a movie I never intended to see. I often wonder if the words of encouragement, love, and endearment are real or if they're just a cover for more things going wrong. I struggled to set boundaries for myself; telling myself to let go. I remembered thinking that if I could just forgive...then I could move on. Then I wondered if it were pointless or worth saving.
I am often faced with the dilemma of... "Is it time to walk away to save me?" When is it okay to stop the hurt and say that it's enough?
Apology after apology.
Wrongdoing after wrongdoing.
It's like a never-ending cycle.
I can't make them change, regardless of how much I desire for them to do so. I try to talk with them, so they know the way I feel. This goes either one of two ways...
1. They never have anything to say....
2. Their actions are a result of my inaction.
Then, I feel like I hit a brick wall.... again.
A few days pass...
and we go on like nothing happened.
Everything was swept under the rug.
now I am expected to carry on while carrying
the hurt, anger, and pain.
Never seems as if the cycle will end...
I walk away.
the thought hurts and questions take over.
My heart aches thinking about it
but I know I have a choice to make.
They say history repeats itself...
... does this pertain to relationships?
If only they would fully open up and talk.
Put into action the words that they speak.
Show love...ALL the time. Not for a week and then go right back.