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Friday, April 7, 2017

Your Own Worst Enemy

Life has many ups and downs, along with twists and turns. We often
face situations that push us and try us to the point of exhaustion.

A few nights ago, I was woken up by my ten-year-old daughter who has been
having a hard time staying asleep at night. Once I gave her something to cuddle,
a drink, and another hug/kiss, I went back to my room and laid down. While I was
laying there, I quietly listened to my husband's heaving breathing, which was followed
by our son's heavy breathing. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep since I had been woken up
several times throughout the night by both kids. I decided to lay there and ponder with my thoughts. I seriously hate when this happens because then I happen to think of all the hurtful conversations, hurtful events, and the ongoing hurt from them. I think of ways
I should have responded or I think of the things I should have said. There have even
been times where the anger flared back up and sleep was pointless. My brain likes to push
the repeat button on these memories, which lead to my heart racing and me fighting not to wake up
my husband to talk. Yes, most of these memories are of unsettling events between us within the previous twelve years. 

This endless cycle made me realize something. The only reason why this spiritual battle keeps
occurring is because I have a hard time with letting go. I have a hard time just letting things lay to rest when these issues haven't been sorted through; they had been hushed and swept under the rug. I'm the type of person who needs to talk through my feelings on anything that I feel is wrong. If not, I pay for it because my mind goes through an endless amount of torture for me. Yes, my mind causes me pain. I allowed this to happen for so long.

Anway, there I was at four in the morning, laying in bed while fighting back tears while my heart
raced and my anxiety heightened. All the wronged that I had endured flooded through my veins, making my temper rise. The spiritual battle in full force.

That's how the enemy works. He will wait until he can catch you off guard so he can haunt you with all those unsettled situations that still bother your soul. Most of these nights, I cried in silence to be sure I didn't wake my family. The lies flooded my mind making me believe that I was destined to never feel true happiness because I always had these unsettled issues to be worked. 

On this particular night, I decided to head out of the bedroom. I joined my overly fluffy white cat, who was sprawled out on the sofa. By this point, the thoughts of my mind had me in a nauseating point of hurt because of all the unfinished business; the conversations that hadn't been. There I sat, thinking, hurting. Deep inside, my spirit wanted freedom and healing. However, my heart and mind wouldn't allow that because they continued to listen to Satan's lies. 

That's when I silently cried out to the Lord while looking out the window behind my couch. As I stared at the silence outside, I asked the Lord for help. I wanted to be free from the hurt, lies, deception, and pain. I asked the Lord to take control, I didn't want the job of me anymore. 

Once I did this, I learned a bit about what was happening. As I threw myself into this cycle, I never gave God the option of stepping in and fighting this for me. I was blocking myself from my own blessing. I've learned that in order for God to gain control, we have to be willing to lay it down and walk away so He can pick it up.  How can the Lord take over when we continually laid it down for a little bit and then pick it back up? If the issues are being held by us, we aren't giving God the room He needs. We need to put it down completely, turn, and walk away. No going back.


Are you willing to give your situation to God and allow Him to work it out through His power and authority?

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