Happy 9th Angelversary, Dakota

HAPPY 9TH ANGELVERSARY IN HEAVEN DARLING!!! 

9 months ago today my world changed forever. I went to the hospital in labor thinking I would be bringing home our second daughter. Instead my world was shoved into a blender and tossed about. I have learned so much within the last 9 months and I believe each lesson was needed for me to learn. I learned how to love fully and forgive easily. I learned who my real friends were and gained some amazing new ones along the way. I became closer to God and began living my life fully for him. In return, the Lord showed me just how strong I am. I know for a fact that with the Lord I can and will make it through anything.

With that said, today is not only a milestone for Dakota but for me as well. This is the first angelversay of my daughter I never met. For in the past, this day was rough. But today was much different. I found myself being able to fully laugh and love, instead of cry while screaming to the Heavens why. It's a bittersweet day for me.

I love knowing that Dakota will NOT know what it's like to have her heart broken or know what any pain is for that matter. She only knows love and happiness. Her entire existence here on earth was filled with love and when her time came... she was greeted with the angels and Jesus. How could I want anything different for her? Every mother wants what is best for their child. I am no different. My daughter was born into the arms of Jesus!! You don't get any better than that!!!

Happy 9 month angelversary, Dakota. I can't wait to look into your eyes for the first time and hear you speak for the first time. I do know that I'll be seeing you soon. Until then, fly high and watch over Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy.

I love you to the moon and back; forever and infinity!

Our Rainbow: 11 weeks 2 days

I'm a little bit behind on this update. I had a check up appointment on Monday (Feb. 24th). It was an easy and quick visit. I got to hear our Lil Sweet Peas heartbeat, which was coming in around 160. Very strong so far and healthy sounding. I had a hard time forcing my tears back because this still feels like a dream to me.

The doctor briefly talked about what's ahead for us. Starting around 30 weeks I'll be going in weekly for Non-stress tests, as well as different types of ultrasounds. This also depends on how the pregnancy is going. There may be more or less depending on our little one.

She also mentioned not letting me carry this little one past 39 weeks. Once we see how I'm going to carry this little one and how things progress, they'll induce me around 38-39 weeks, unless I go into labor before hand.

I'm scheduled to go back in on March 6th for the first Ultrasound. Let me tell you.... this wait has to be one of the longest. Since I found out I am pregnant, this has been the only thing on my mind. At my first appointment, I got a glimpse of the little one but we know that one glimpse isn't enough.

After the ultrasound, there's blood work and then I won't see the doctor again until the end of March.

I'm praying everyday that the Lord allows us to keep this darling miracle. I can not tell you how much Lil Sweet Pea has done for me all ready. The last break down I had from the overly broken heart and pain was at the beginning of January. Yes, I still cry for Dakota and I miss her with every fiber of my being. However, I believe this little miracle was given to me to help mend my broken heart.

I find myself smiling more. I've managed to get somewhat back into my work. (For those who don't know I am a self published author.) I'm managing to be able to promote my work and very little at a time... work on my newest project I'm writing.

My husband and I have picked out names. 

BOY--> BRYSON SCOTT

GIRL--> BROOKLYN FAITH

Everyday is a blessing and I tend to live my life the fullest I can. With that said, I pray for the person reading this. Thank you for following my journey and my support. You're amazing and I don't know what I would do without you. <3>

Heartbeat Doppler from fetaldoppler.net

One of the joys of pregnancy is when we go in to our doctor and listen to the little miracle we carry and their heartbeat. Now, it's been made possible for Mommy's and Daddy's to do at home. I had one when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter but didn't think to buy one with our angel baby.

This time around is a MUST! I need to hear my lil sweet peas heartbeat A LOT.  Since I can't feel the baby moving yet, I get really worried something may be wrong. It often brings me to tears. So, to remedy this.... I went to fetaldoppler.net and ordered a Doppler to hear our rainbow baby's heartbeat.

The first time I tried it, I couldn't find it. This had me a bit worried but I knew deep within that all was fine. I left it alone for the time being. The next day I pulled it out again. This time I didn't give up until I got to hear the heartbeat.

It was perfect! The Doppler couldn't register the heart rate because it sounded so far away. I'm sure this is due to the fact that I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant. I tried for a third time and it came in perfectly at around 150-160 beats per minute.

(If you're expecting and would like to know which Doppler I am using... here is the picture)

 I do plan on taking my 8 week picture. Although I know I am a bit late on it. I'll be 9 weeks tomorrow. Praise GOD!!!!!

Here's the video of our Rainbow Baby's heartbeat.

 (Sorry about the quality. Hubby's phone isn't that great!)

8 Weeks Pregnant

Well here I am to check in with the weekly progress of our Rainbow. To us, each day is a blessing. I praise our Lord for allowing me to carry this precious miracle every day. It's crazy how one huge event in your life and change your view on the entire outlook of life. Before I had Dakota and she gained her wings, I didn't appreciate the privilege it is to carry a child. I feel that when you're blessed with a tiny human, it's not something you're meant to do, but something you're allowed to do. God gives and he takes, but I can thank him enough for everything this journey has taught me.

I've become more passionate about life itself. I am less dramatic than what I was once before. At this point in my life, I go with the flow even if I don't like it. 

So week 7 was brighter. I was able to stay out of bed for most of the day instead of laying around all day. I hate that. I had a cold there for a while which made it a little harder on me. My biggest things that I am dealing with now are fatigue, heartburn, and constant cravings. It's weird because I have been craving anything meat. I've really wanted steak lately the most. Why I find this weird is because my two girls had me craving pickles. 

I've been allowing myself to begin celebrating. For the past few weeks I have been afraid to be happy. I felt like if I started to celebrate, something bad would happen. It seems like in the past every time I had something which made me super happy.... it was taken away from me. This time, however, is different because my faith in Christ is stronger and I look to him for everything. 

Well, there's the update. I thank you for following along with me on this journey. 

*** Picture to Come ***

It's Confirmed- I'm Pregnant

First Doctor's Appointment

Man, talk about an emotional roller coaster.  The past few weeks have been crazy for me. I have literally laid in bed for almost two weeks straight. I'm constantly tired and it seems everything makes me feel sick.

All of last week I was in bed due to a cold. It was not fun. 

I started to pick up over the weekend and leading up to the doctor's appointment. I was scheduled at 1 PM.

We had to take our oldest daughter with us due to school being canceled for the extremely cold weather.  I wasn't too excited about this. If you've been to a confirmation appointment, you know the routine. One things included within this visit is blood work and a pap test. Obviously I wasn't going to allow my seven year old in the room with me, so she and Hubby waited in the waiting room. 

After I was called back, my emotions took their toll. My weight was good and same with my blood pressure. Then, the urine pregnancy test confirmed my pregnancy. I'm 7 weeks along. My heart pounded this entire time because I wasn't sure what to expect being officially considered high risk.

After the doctor examined me, she smiled and said, "Let's go into the next room and take a look at the heartbeat. Shall we?" 

My heart went crazy. I needed to see the heartbeat. I internally wanted to ask for one but thought it was way too soon. So, I didn't. As I wrapped my sheet around me and made my way into the ultrasound room, my heart saddened for a moment because my Husband wasn't there to see our rainbow baby for the first time.

The doctor set me up and showed me my little baby on the screen. The heart was beating nicely and matched our estimation with how far along I am. (Of course, I kept very good track of my cycle, along with everything else. I know the exact moment when I conceived.) After about an hour and a half, the doctor asked me to head off to the lab for blood work. Now this was the part I hated. I HATE needles with a passion. 

I pushed my way down to the lab, signed in, and waited for my name to be called. While I waited, I filled hubby in on what happened with the doctor. He was upset a bit that he didn't get to see our little sweet pea, but he was thankful to hear that all looks good. About 15 minutes into our wait, my name was called.

I'm the type of person who passes out when I have blood drawn. I hate it and can't help it. I notified the woman who was about to have me sit in a chair that it wasn't such a great idea if I stayed sitting up. I need to recline when having the blood taken. Without a problem, we went into the overly stuffed chair and reclined. This is where the sucky part came. 

I found my focus point within the room and concentrated on breathing so I wouldn't pass out. When the tunnel vision started, I looked at what she was doing. It seemed as if it was taking FOREVER!!! I saw a tiny bit of blood in the vial and asked what was wrong. She couldn't get the blood to flow like she needed it to. So she stuck me AGAIN!!! OUCH. 

Once again, the blood wouldn't come. By this time, I am ready to slide off the chair and visit the dark fuzzy world we all see when we go to pass out. I asked her for a drink. She finally decided to give up and ask for help. Another woman came in and popped in the needle. The blood came out and filled up their tubes. DONE!! Well that only took another hour.

Once I got home, I couldn't get over feeling dizzy and wanting to throw up. Plus, my arm felt like it was one big bruise. I did the next thing I could do.... SLEEP! 

TTC Month Two- SUCCESS

We are at two months of trying to conceive our Rainbow Baby. (For those who don't know- Rainbow Baby is a baby a couple has after a loss.) Our first month wasn't a success. However, our second month has been a different story.

On January 9th, I woke up and realized I was four days late for my monthly. I couldn't wait to see if I was in fact pregnant. My husband worked night shift the night before, so he was in bed sleeping. Our oldest daughter was at school. I took this opportunity of being alone and headed off to the store for a pregnancy test.

Once I got back and took the test, I couldn't believe my eyes. 

POSITIVE!!!  Two months into trying and our prayers were answered. I fell to the floor in tears and cried out in happiness to our Lord. He's the one who made this possible. I cried and cried. I prayed and prayed.

I pulled myself together and ran into the bedroom. I couldn't help it. I needed to tell my husband. I knew he had only a few hours of sleep by this time, but I couldn't wait. I needed to tell him.

I asked him to wake up and make sure his eyes were adjusted before I continued. When he motioned that he was awake and ready to hear what I needed to say... I moved the test results up to where he could see it. Immediately he sat up in bed with a huge smile on his face. Then, he picked up the phone and called my Mom.

I figured since he was calling family.... so would I. A few short hours later, all of our closest family knew the news. Prayers started for this pregnancy to carry to full term, with a screaming, healthy baby at the end.

My husband and I agreed to keep it all a secret until after my doctor confirmed that I was in fact really pregnant. I scheduled the appointment for January 27th, which happened to be the 8th month Angelversary for our darling Dakota.

From the 9th to the 26th, I think I hit all pregnancy symptoms, which were only made worse by a cold. I was tired, moody, hungry, nauseous, and wanted to lay in bed. Hubby was running to the store for each craving. All the while, I was worried and scared. It's hard not to, even when you're a Christian.

*** TO BE CONTINUED ***

General Update

Things have been rather busy for me since the beginning of the new year. So many blessings have hit my family since the start of 2014. 

To start off with- January 1st, my husband found out he earned a raise. This is an answered prayer. He has been working so hard to provide for my family while I pursue my career as a self published author.

The weekend of Jan. 3rd to Jan. 5th- I was able to make it to stay the weekend with my Mom and attend church. I love when I am able to spend time with her and enjoy the company of the wonderful people within her church. 

On Jan 5th, I attended my cousin's baby shower. This I was worried about since it was the first one that I managed to go to since the loss of my daughter. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I noticed that on my way to the shower, my spirit was up and I was actually HAPPY! I did great at the shower and kept this mood up. I could honestly say that I was super excited for the Mom to Be and Daddy to Be. 

This great mood continued on during the following week.

On Jan. 9th, I woke up to a belated Christmas present- a new Keurig machine. Hubby was off of work at 4 AM and decided to pick it up. He had it sitting on the table covered with a blanket when I came down that morning. Tell me about waking up in a GREAT mood! This set the mood for the rest of the day. The day was filled with blessings as it ventured into night. I actually went to bed.... for the first time in seven months with a smile on my face!

Here we are on January 13th and my mood still goes on. I did feel myself getting a little depressed last night as I allowed my mind time to dwell on the past. Once I noticed it, I immediately put on the breaks. I wasn't going to allow the heartbreak back in. I love my little girl. I miss her everyday, but I don't believe she would want me to be unhappy all the time. 

I have been keeping up with my resolutions as much as I can. Most people don't get this far into the year without breaking at least one. I'll admit... I have veered off but as soon as I noticed this, I pushed myself back on track.

After all of the blessings I have received this far, I must say that I am very thankful that the Lord has given me beautiful moments with my family and something else I can smile for.