Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - Memory.

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The one memory that has haunted me for the past two years and still hurts to this day is when I had to tell my oldest that her baby sister gained her wings. I dreaded her arrival at the hospital. She was expecting a baby sister, but she got an angel sister instead. The look in her face when realization set in tears up my heart. I wish to this day that I could have carried her heartache and I wish she didn't have to feel the loss at such a young age. 

My oldest, Sunshine, dreamed of the things she wanted to teach her baby sister. I listened to her plans and hopes. I saw her smile and her joy over sharing her bedroom with her baby sister. She excitedly helped me put the baby clothes in the dresser after they were washed. I watched her as she helped me split the room she had to herself for three years by herself to make room for her baby sister.

I also watched as joy and happiness had been stolen from her face when she realized we weren't taking a baby home from the hospital. The way she joyfully ran into that hospital room asking for her baby sister turned to fear and heartache. 

My heart aches as I remember her asking me, "Mommy, why is all of my siblings taken away from me?" or "Why did God allow this to happen to MY sister. I wanted her." She cried to me as I held her.

These are the memories I'm trying to let go of, but they seem to bury themselves deep into my soul. To this day, I pray for my daughter and her healing. I believe the loss of her sister has caused her to hate the world around her and it shows in her attitude. :(

Capture Your Grief - Day 6 - Books.

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou

There are many books that I turned to for my grief, however, I've always loved to read. Here's a list of the books that I have either read or I plan to read.

Simply Tuesday by Emily P Freeman

Let's All Be Brave by Annie F Downs

Saying Goodbye without Saying Hello by RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Pursue the Intentional Life by Jean Fleming 

Becoming a Prayer Warrior by Elizabeth Alves

Understanding the Healing Power of God by Doug Jones

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Trusting God to Get You Through by Jason Crabb

The Holy Bible

Right after Dakota passed, I dived into books about other angels who gained their wings or books about stronger faith, prayers, and healing. It was hard for me to read them but over time... it's all I wanted to do. I realized that getting lost in these books helped me free myself from the heartache of loss. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 5 - Empathy.

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

Empathy is something you can't get away from when dealing with grief. Most would think any types of empathy are welcome, however, I found not all are. 

During my time of loss, I had some people think they were being empathic but in reality, they were only hurting me with their words. 

I remember someone telling me, "God needed her more." My heart skipped to my throat because I just didn't understand how people would think this would bring me comfort. Our God, the Alpha and the Omega, chose my daughter for what? What was so important that he decided to take her so young and leave me in heartache for the rest of my life? Why would God purposely take my daughter and hurt me? Isn't he a LOVING God?

It's easy to say God needed her. He didn't ask you for yours and if he did, which of your children would you give back? Doesn't sound so good now, does it?

Then, someone told me, "Maybe there was something really wrong with her. Perhaps maybe it was something you couldn't handle and God knew this." I so badly wanted to respond, "What happened to the saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle?" or "God doesn't make mistakes and there was NOTHING wrong with her. There's nothing in this world that could have happened with her where I would choose death for her over life."

God didn't need her. He didn't do this. Yes, He allowed for it to happen. This isn't something He chose, but it happened. He ALLOWED it to and not because He needed Dakota. Telling me that my daughter had something wrong with her...is wrong. Perhaps maybe something is wrong with you! 

Yes, these are thoughts I've had during the past two years. No, they're not kind but they are true. 

Then the big one... "I'm here for you no matter what!" This got to me. Many people who lost contact with me or completely ignored my existence came out of the woodwork when I lost my daughter. Many of those whom I can tell you aren't here for me today. They slowly faded back where they were before the loss. 

So, for those of you...the VERY few people who are still there... thank you. I am truly blessed to know such kind and loving souls.

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Dark + Light

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

Today, I'm going to discuss the dark and light sides of grief, and how it affected me as a mother and as a person. My journey is unique and I believe that it wasn't the same way for many. This makes me feel blessed and like Christ understood. I believe that He helped me through a lot, especially during the darkness.

At first, I walked around in total disbelief. I never thought it would or could happen to me. Come on! Who actually thinks their baby will die? I didn't. Well, at least until I got pregnant with Dakota. I felt it and knew it from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I'd lose her. I felt it to my core. I felt as if there was a dark cloud following me everywhere and it lifted the moment Dakota gained her wings.

For the second half of the pregnancy, I reached out to everyone I knew and told them of my fears. I told them that I wasn't going to be able to keep her. I even reached out to my church for prayers. I honestly tried to pray away the dark cloud that followed me everywhere. After a while, I realized it wasn't going away and my worst fears were going to happen. Those around me could tell something was off with me and the pregnancy. My oldest daughter began to ask me, "Mommy, what are we going to do when the baby dies?" Of course, I gave her hope and told her nothing was going to happen to the baby, but in reality... I was asking the same question. 

The day came when she gained her wings and my soul knew the truth before the doctors did. From that point on, the cloud slowly disappeared. I refused from that point on to allow the dark side of grief to take over me. This was when I decided to let in the light and accept Christ as my #1 choice. Since then, I have experienced hardship, however, the darkness doesn't accompany it. When I feel the darkness creeping back in, I turn toward Christ for help and I rebuke anything and everything that isn't of Christ.

I knew darkness. I know light. My light is with Christ. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 3 - In Honor

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

Her name is Dakota Emily Buda. She was here on earth for 40 weeks 5 days. I was the only one who truly knew her. I felt her within me for this short time, but she made such an impression on my heart, which will last the rest of my life. On the day she was born, I made a promise to her that everyone I came in contact with would know of her and what she did for me. Shortly after, I wrote her story and shared it with the world in hopes of others knowing of my precious daughter.

I often feel her here with me. I sense her beauty in the world around me. Butterflies. Clouds. Sunsets and sunrise. The birds chirping. The leaves changing on the trees. It all reminds me of her and what wouldn't be. She's everywhere to me. She helps me to slow down, to focus on what's in front of me, and to be thankful for it. She's the reason I have a relationship with Christ. She's the reason I changed my ways and continue to live with gratitude, hope, and faith.

She is the reason why I'm doing what I can to bring Pregnancy and Infant Loss into the light. Today, I'm honoring my precious angel, Dakota.

Capture Your Grief - Day 2 - Intention

#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

My intention for my life is to be more grateful in life. I can remember a good part of my life included complaints about every aspect. I unintentionally found the negative in every situation and always thought about the worse case. Since the death of my daughter, I felt overwhelmed by the sorrow in my heart and it caused me not to care for life or those around me. 

I want to continue being the grateful, happy, and joyful person I found only a few months ago. I feel as if I'm alive again and those who are around me seem to be happier with this change. I have dedicated my life to living for Christ and following His lead. 

My intention is to be a better mother, wife, and friend. In addition to being more grateful, I'm going to open my heart for total healing from our loss. I want to take our daughter's short life and make her memory sweet. I want my living children to grow knowing the right way to live. I want to find the blessing God has provided for me each and every day.

Capture Your Grief - Day 1 - Sunrise.

Place - Farmington, West Virginia 5:13 am

‪#‎captureyourgrief‬ ‪#‎whathealsyou‬

The start of this years healing project is different than any of the others that I have participated in previously. Two years ago when I joined in with this project, I was broken, angry, and hurt. Today, I am pieced together, happy, and joyful. Blessings have been flowing into my life and my relationship with Christ has become so much stronger within the past two years. I started seeking the Lord in 2013 when my life took that huge unexpected turn and I must say, it was the best decision I had ever made.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss my baby girl but the pain that once joined the absence of her has gone away. I fully believe the Lord has healed this pain and replaced it with a new kind of joy. I have a joy within that I never felt before. The peace I feel is one I can say I couldn't accomplish on my own. 

I dedicate this sunrise to my angel, Dakota. As I see it, I feel peace, contentment, and happiness. Deep inside, I know that's what she would want. She wouldn't want me sitting here filled with sorrow and pain. She'd want me to embrace life as it is and reach out to those who need help. She would want me to be happy. That's exactly what I am.