Today, I'm going to discuss the dark and light sides of grief, and how it affected me as a mother and as a person. My journey is unique and I believe that it wasn't the same way for many. This makes me feel blessed and like Christ understood. I believe that He helped me through a lot, especially during the darkness.
At first, I walked around in total disbelief. I never thought it would or could happen to me. Come on! Who actually thinks their baby will die? I didn't. Well, at least until I got pregnant with Dakota. I felt it and knew it from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I'd lose her. I felt it to my core. I felt as if there was a dark cloud following me everywhere and it lifted the moment Dakota gained her wings.
For the second half of the pregnancy, I reached out to everyone I knew and told them of my fears. I told them that I wasn't going to be able to keep her. I even reached out to my church for prayers. I honestly tried to pray away the dark cloud that followed me everywhere. After a while, I realized it wasn't going away and my worst fears were going to happen. Those around me could tell something was off with me and the pregnancy. My oldest daughter began to ask me, "Mommy, what are we going to do when the baby dies?" Of course, I gave her hope and told her nothing was going to happen to the baby, but in reality... I was asking the same question.
The day came when she gained her wings and my soul knew the truth before the doctors did. From that point on, the cloud slowly disappeared. I refused from that point on to allow the dark side of grief to take over me. This was when I decided to let in the light and accept Christ as my #1 choice. Since then, I have experienced hardship, however, the darkness doesn't accompany it. When I feel the darkness creeping back in, I turn toward Christ for help and I rebuke anything and everything that isn't of Christ.
I knew darkness. I know light. My light is with Christ.