Closing Out 2013... Faith Based Resolutions....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

What a year this has been!! 2013 was one full emotional roller coaster and I am so happy to kiss it goodbye. For the past few weeks, my emotions have been controlling my actions and thoughts. I've been so bitter, angry, and depressed. 

This really isn't who I am. I haven't been able to write or read, which I LOVE to do. I've tried everything to change my mood, but it just doesn't seem to work. I've tired to busy myself in cleaning, but that doesn't work either. I'm at the point where I really don't care what the house looks like. Right now, it's a total mess. Toys from Christmas are cluttering the living room floor, there's a basket of laundry that needs put away, a load of laundry that needs folded, and odds-n-ends laying about. I hate it, but I don't have the drive to fix this.

I honestly feel like I'm failing God by allowing this to happen. I want nothing more than to follow Jesus the best I can, but I feel that it's not good enough. I'm so lost.

I've tried to open up to those around me, but I don't think they can understand. 

I feel like I have strayed from God. As an example, I let anger get the best of me and I flipped out on two people who were only trying to help me. 

"OH LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! MY HEART IS BROKEN AND I'VE ALLOWED MY EMOTIONS TO CONTROL MY ACTIONS."

I believe a good bit has to do with last month not being successful with getting pregnant. I know that if another baby is in my future, I'll be blessed when the time is right, but it's so hard to have hope sometimes.

I've always been they type of person who has hope in the future when I know of what it is & when it will happen.

One thing I plan on doing is following my resolutions I've made for the New Year to the best of my ability. This way I have something to work on and look forward to. I'm sure the list (located to the left) will grow, but this is a start. I've never actually followed my lists, but I really want to try. Perhaps, if I focus on other's and be a blessing to someone else...then the pain I live in daily won't hurt so much. 

I think God has a lesson for me to learn before He blesses me with my Rainbow Baby! I think he may want me to learn how to have Faith when I don't know the future or what lies ahead. I've heard myself say so many times... "How can I have hope in something when I have no idea if it will happen?"

This is the thing... THAT'S NOT FAITH!!!

Faith isn't hoping God will. It's knowing he will!

I need to learn this and truly believe it. So, that's another goal. WORK ON MY FAITH! I will push all negative away. I will not accept the bitterness, anger, hurt, or pain anymore. I will control it. Not the other way around. I'm tired of being a hostage to myself. 

In closing, I pray for a joyous and happy filled new year for myself and for the person who is reading this. 

What is on your resolution list?

2014 Resolutions & Goals

Each year I happen to make these lists. Most of the time I am like everyone else... I don't keep up with them. Well, I'll be posting my list here and then on the side of the blog as a reminder for the entire year.

I am praying for happiness, joy, and laughter for the 2014 New Year. This past year included too many tears and sadness.

So, here is my list:

1. Let go of what doesn't contribute to my own happiness. (This includes people who only caused heartache.)

2. Build my relationship with Christ. (This includes daily Bible study and going more to Him in prayer.)

3. Complete my Bible study on Angels.

4. BE ON TIME!! (I am never on time for anything. In 2012 when I got married, I was an hour late for the ceremony. Therefore, I am going to bust my rear end and be on time.)

5. Publish the two books I am in the process of writing.

6. Catch up on my review list of books for my book blog.

7. Spend less time on the internet and more time with my family. (My writing takes a lot of time, but I won't allow it to consume me this year.)

Last on my list... 

I have an old mason jar that I plan on using for the entire year. As the year goes by, anything that I would consider is a blessing... I'll write it down on a piece of paper and add it to the jar. This can include any goals I meet, surprise gifts, "LOL" moments, memories worth saving, etc. All good will be noted and put into the jar. This way at the end of 2014, I can pull out the notes and read at how the Lord blessed me during the year.

What is in your plans for 2014?

Merry Christmas

Today has been an emotional day. I woke up feeling okay and watched my older daughter open her gifts. She was excited to see that there were a few things under the tree she had asked Santa for. Seeing the smile on her face was well worth the money spent. I ordered a special blanket from a friend for her to help her with coping with our loss. Before going to bed, she said that the butterflies reminded her of Dakota. Then, she hugged it. Nothing speaks volumes like her face when she opened it. I just love this picture.

After she was done opening her gifts, I went down hill. My husband fell asleep and my daughter was engrossed in her new toys, which left me alone and my mind to go crazy with the thoughts of Dakota.

I sat for the better half of the morning and early afternoon, crying. I didn't want to do anything or be around anyone. I tried to call several people, but of course they were busy with their own craziness, they couldn't talk.

I ended up back in bed and slept the early afternoon away. Once I was up from my nap, we visited Dakota and added more to her grave. Then we joined my family for some festivities.

So, I was planning on writing out our day... but perhaps I'll just show you....

We were surrounded by family. The support we received during Christmas was amazing and I am so happy to have been blessed with such a great support system. Once I was able to pull myself together and get to visit my family, my mood changed and I was able to enjoy myself.

A Trip to See Santa

One of the things Emma has been asking for was to see Santa. She had a full list of toys she needed to tell him that she wanted. I had an idea for our Christmas pictures this year. It's hard to think of having to go a day without our dear Dakota, but we included her within our pictures as well.

The line at the mall to see Santa was crazy. As soon as we got into the mall, Emma and I jumped into line, while Greg went to check something out at one of the stores right by us. I was watching everyone around me and saw how innocent they all were. Each one of them were blessed with their children and laughed with them.

As I was watching the kids going up to Santa, I saw a mother with a huge smile place her beautifully dressed newborn upon his lap. This is when I broke. I wasn't prepared to see any little ones because it instantly reminded me of not having Dakota.

I broke into tears not caring who saw me. As I tried to look away, I noticed people staring and kids asking what was wrong. Emma decided to fill them in and then the looks of confusion turned into looks of compassion and sympathy. Greg returned and helped me gather myself back up.

A young couple standing behind us with their baby boy in his car seat and their little girl began talking with us. I couldn't help but to look at their son. Then, I asked how old he was without even thinking. They told me he was born in June and he was six months old. He's only a month younger than Dakota.

I mentioned this and they looked confused. Greg told them our daughter was stillborn. I was blown away by the fact that neither of them knew what that meant. So, Greg said she was born forever sleeping. Once again... they were confused. So, Greg had no other way to explain it except to say that our darling daughter had passed before birth.

That is when they got it and understood why a grown woman was standing in line holding a pure white teddy bear. The teddy bear stood in for Dakota. Once we were up to Santa, he tried to get Emma to leave the bear out of the photo. With as much willpower as I had, I told him No the teddy bear stays. That's when Greg jumped in and told them why we needed that bear in the photo.

Instantly, those standing around us came to help me because I burst into tears again. One mother helped position the teddy bear just right on Santa's lap. While the photographer cried with me. It was a bittersweet moment because just then, I realized that they cared. They didn't know me but showed their support in this heartbreaking time for me.

I will forever be grateful to the mother who stood in front of us and to the photographer for showing me it's okay to cry!!!

TTC Month One- Update

Well, it looks as if November wasn't our month. I got a bit excited this round because AF (Aunt Flo) decided to make her presence known today. For the past few months, she has been faithfully present every 26 days. It just seems as if she's back to a 28 day cycle. I didn't allow my hopes to be brought up, because I know we will conceive when it's on God's time and when it's right.

So, in the meantime.. I'll be having fun at least trying. :)

In other news, if you don't already know...I have written my story and journey with my daughter Dakota, along with her loss. I am an angel Mom, but what I can tell you is that life and the pain gets better. Does it totally disappear? No. I know the pain will NEVER completely disappear, but I refuse to sit around and drown myself in the sorrows. I want my daughter's memory to be honored. I want her life to be the reason why another person picks themselves up, and carries on with life. There is so much more than we realize here on earth. It's much more then in a physical form. It's also in a spirtial form too.

We as humans have a vast and complex mind, and we can endure so much more than we realize. So, if you're a mother who has had a loss recently and you're reading this... please take heed to my words. Even though it might now feel like the pain will never end and you will never be okay... stop right there. Pain only lasts as long as you allow it to. Well, the majority of it. We can take the pain and use it for good. As an example, I poured the pain into my book, Saying Goodbye Without Saying Hello and let me tell you...by the time I was done was done writing my story...I felt so much better. I decided I was no longer allowing the pain to control me, but I will control it. Dakota will be a treasured memory of mine and I am thankful for each moment the Lord allowed me to have with her. I wouldn't change it for the world.

So I leave you with this, freedom or pain? It's your choice. You can free yourself from the pain by directing the pain in a positive way. The outlet will be amazing in the end. Believe me... this isn't the end of you... it's only the beginning of you. Grasp it and take control. Your angel is a precious memory who will always be with you.

Thanksgiving in LeHighton

We made it safely last night to Greg's Moms. She welcomed us with open arms and lots of hugs. She was super excited that I had decided to go on this trip. There for a few weeks, I kept thinking I wasn't going to go because of the feeling of leaving Dakota behind. The trip out was fun. We decided to bring our friend Joe along, and Emma loved that idea. I was a bit worried about the weather since the weather channel was calling for a blizzard (*sarcasm*). We saw a dusting on our way there.

The first day (Thanksgiving Day) was more of a relaxing day. We sat around in the living room while watching Emma and Joe goof around. Then, Greg jumps in and the entire weekend was filled with laughter. Once we all sat down, Emma insisted we prayed (proud Mommy moment) and we enjoyed a delicious dinner.

The entire weekend, I kept seeing different things where I would like to believe it was Dakota telling me she's okay and was with me. Here are a video's from the trip: