23 Weeks Pregnant Update w/ ultrasound pictures

I had another doctor's appointment yesterday to check in on our rainbow baby. This appointment I was nervous due to the fact that I had an unexpected appointment. When I left the doctors office last month, my appointment card showed my next visit would be on May 19th at 2:15 in the afternoon. I was content with this. 

Now, I remember praying for another ultrasound because it seems as if the insurance companies and doctors are rather greedy with those. I go crazy not knowing the next time I'll see baby boy. I NEED the reassurance of an ultrasound so I can see him wiggle. At this time, I'm not feeling his every movement so I tend to freak out a bit when I haven't felt him move. Yesterday started out as one of those days. 

On Friday, May 16th, my doctor's office called me to remind me of my two upcoming appointments on the following Monday. This surprised me because I was only aware of one. Immediately, I picked up the phone and called. I had to find out what this other appointment was for. Surprisingly the lines were busy at the high risk number I have. So, I called the front desk of the office. This is when I was informed the first appointment was for an ultrasound and the second was to meet with my doctor. 

I was thrilled. The entire weekend I prayed they hadn't made a mistake with the ultrasound but I was worried about why I was having another one. It hadn't been mentioned. So, I freaked out over the weekend thinking maybe something was seen on the last ultrasound that made them need a follow up. 

Well, Monday came. I got our oldest daughter off to school and once we were ready, hubby and I headed in. It was confirmed that I did in fact have an ultrasound and it was to follow up with some measurements they weren't able to get in April. So, that was a relief. 

Baby boy is weighing in a 1lbs 4oz and was very photogenic. He was wiggling, smiling, and waving hello to us. The best part looked as if he was giving us kisses. Here are some ultrasound pictures for your viewing pleasures. 

The ultrasound technician also surprised us with a few 4D pictures too....

I left the ultrasound room with a huge smile on my face. I loved seeing our son wiggle around and hear his heartbeat. I can say I am very blessed to have made it 23 weeks into this pregnancy and I am praying everyday that I can make it as close to 40 weeks as possible.

My second appointment felt as if it took forever for the doctor to come into the room. I wanted the results from the ultrasound and I wanted to know what he thought about our baby. Once he finally came in, he assured me that all is on track. Baby boy is within the 50th percentile for growth and weight. He's very active and his heart rate was 154. At this point, the doctor asked me to lay back so he could check on baby's position and get an idea of how my uterus was. 

This always got me. I always wondered how the doctors knew what they were feeling. So... I asked. The doctor decided to show me. First he used my hand to point out the differences and then he got out a pen. That's when he drew on me and showed me where it was. I couldn't help but laugh. The doctor I'm seeing knows how to lighten the air with laughter at the right times. 

Once I was done and heading out, he scheduled my next appointment for June 16th. I'll be getting another ultrasound done too. I'm super excited about that too. So there you have it... the update for the month. 

It's just stuff....Shouldn't it be easy?

I'm about to face one thing since Dakota's passing that I dread. Parting with the baby items we bought or were gifted for her. I know that time is going to come soon. It has too. If I don't let go of the material objects we had for her, we won't have the room for the boy stuff that's needed.

This is a never ending battle within me. It's crazy how attached to a bib or a bottle I am. Just thinking about giving/selling ANY of the items we had planned on using for Dakota puts me in tears. I don't understand why I'm so attached to this stuff. She never touched any of it, yet it pains me to think about. 

I realized this today. We have a new neighbor moving in and while I was outside, I noticed there was baby items for a little girl in the back of the truck. Without thinking, I asked if they had a baby girl and how old she is. The woman told me her grand-daughter is 5 months old. I didn't even think before saying it but I asked her if they needed anything. Well, they are in the need of stuff. They have been hitting up yard sales around the area in search of the baby stuff they need. 

I'm a giver. So, when I hear of someone in need... I jump at the chance of helping them when and if I can. Again, without thinking, I continue to tell them that I have a bunch of baby girl stuff that I may be able to help them with. The conversation ended up going into what happened with our precious daughter and why I feel the need to get the baby girl stuff outta here. 

Once we had finished talking, I came into the house and cried! How am I ever going to find it within myself to free myself of this little girl stuff, which is a constant reminder of what isn't? I need to find it within myself to make room for our son. I just can't bare the thought of sending anything out the door that was meant for her. It's just as hard when it comes to accepting anything for a boy. 

This emotional road is one in which I will never fully understand. Will I ever find it within to pass the blessing on to someone else? 

Lord, give me strength!

Six Days Post Surgery

Our Princess has hit day six after her surgery with no major events. 

Praise God! 

This past week has been a roller coaster for all of us here. I've been going on very little sleep due to her medication schedule and my husbands work schedule. I'm super excited because last night I was able to pretty much sleep the entire night. She needed her meds at 11 PM, 3AM, and then again at 7 AM. She's still being selective with the types of foods she's eating and we're still at a very soft diet. I've been asked several times if we could have pizza, but that's a big no-no right now. The doctor suggested no red foods for up to 10 days and nothing with a sharp pointy edge on it. 

She's not too happy hearing the word "No." Her attitude has returned to normal and she's starting to joke around again. This is one thing I have missed. Our Princess has done so much for me when it comes to smiling....I think I've began to rely on her for my smiles. 

Shes been staying awake all day regardless of the medicine, which one would think would make her sleep. Nope! She's up around 7ish in the morning and stays away until her last dose of meds at night around 11 PM. She's ready to roll. One thing she can't wait to do is go outside to play. With no physical activity, she's not allowed out on her play set. She's allowed to sit on the porch but that's all. So, Daddy decided to play some XBOX with her.

She loved this. It's not very often that her daddy gets to play with her because of working so much. I couldn't pass up this photo opp. It warmed me to hear both of them laughing and having a great time. On the plus side, Princess stopped crying to go outside. :)

As for her sleeping... oh this is a nice one. The doctors said that it'd take at least three weeks to a month to hear or see a difference in her sleeping. Let me say...she proved them wrong again. She still sleeps with her mouth open, but that's because of swelling. (When her throat dries out...it swells up a tad.) However, her breathing is normal!!!  She does snore on occasion but that depends on the way she's sleeping. The very heavy breathing is gone and she silently breathes now. Yep, that caused me to be on high alert because I was afraid she would stop breathing and I wouldnt hear her. 

After six days of running to her side and checking on her...I believe this will be our new normal.

The biggest point is... SHE DOESN'T STOP BREATHING!!!!! This was a big one. I believe the apnea is GONE!!

I'm one blessed Momma! 

Well, until next time... thank you for stopping by and reading!

Pregnant after a Loss- Part 1

 *Warning writing my thoughts as they happen, therefore they may jump around a bit.*

When I became a mom for the first time, I never thought I could love another so much. Then, I gave birth to an angel... and have so much more love for another who isn't physically with me. I love my children so much... it physically hurts. For my oldest daughter, I worry everyday about her well being and whether or not she'll be leaving me next. Isn't that crazy?? I hate thinking this way but my security in life has been pulled away from me and I walk by Faith alone.

But... I am NOT perfect. I struggle with putting it all in the Lords hands and moving forward. But hey... I'm only human. Lately I find myself missing my angel daughter more than ever. Her first birthday is coming up on the 27th. It hurts so bad knowing that I'm planning a memorial birthday party at her grave, instead of at the park where she'll be playing with her sister and cousins. I have the main idea of how I'd like the party to go, but when it comes to actually planning it... I can't. It hurts so bad! 

 

Meanwhile, I need to keep the stress on myself down as much as possible for our little boy. It's hard to do though because as the pregnancy progresses... the more fear rises within me. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid to move, breath, or even live because I don't want to loose him. I'm part of several groups on Facebook for grieving parents and I felt the need to leave them because they added into the fear that we would loose our rainbow too. 

 

I often find myself feeling a bunch of emotions when it comes to our angel and our rainbow. I'm so happy the Lord has blessed us so soon with our rainbow. However, I can't help but to feel as if we have been cheated out of the love we have for our angel. We dreamed for 40 weeks and 5 days of this little girl. We dreamed of what life would be like with two girls instead of one. After nine months of dreams, our lives were turned upside down. 

 

Instead of bringing our daughter home in her brand new outfit and car seat, we left the hospital empty handed. Our little girl had been taken from us but those hopes for our little girl were still very much alive, as they are now. I can't help but to think I have been cheated. My little girl was taken from me and replaced by a boy. Don't get me wrong...we are super excited to be having a boy. However, it's bittersweet. 

 

It's especially hard when everyone around me is pregnant with girls or just had their little girl. With each pregnancy I've had, we hoped for a boy and were blessed with girls. This one time in my life, I wanted so badly to have a girl. I know I'm coming across as selfish or whatever, but unless you have been where I am...you have no idea what it feels like. I can't help but to feel jealous of those who are preparing for a little girl.

 

I personally can say that this journey with pregnancy after a loss is hard. Especially when it's not even a year later and I'm expecting again. I feel guilty for all these feelings and thoughts. I even find it hard to bond with the little guy within me. I fear that if I do... he'll be taken away too. I'm so afraid to do anything. I find myself freaking out when I haven't felt him move in a while. So, I run off to grab the heart doppler, lay down, and frantically search for his heartbeat. If I don't find it right away, I begin to panic and cry thinking it's happening again. Then, I faintly hear it. Relief floods through me and I can relax. 

 

I can honestly say that pregnancy isn't all joyful for me and I don't believe it will ever be again. The innocents I once had during my pregnancy is gone for good. So, for you Momma's out there who haven't been forced down this dreadful path, take that as a blessing. For you know what it's like to feel pure joy and happiness that I will not feel again.

Until next time... take care and God Bless...

Our Princess had her surgery....

For those who haven't heard, our oldest daughter needed surgery. She needed a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy. For those who don't know.... it's the removal of her tonsils and adenoids. They were causing her to have sleep apnea, which made her stop breathing at night. This also contributed to her not sleeping well at night and she'd always be tired. We had a list of stuff we needed to do in order to prepare. Once we had that done, we headed to the hospital on April 29th. Her surgery was scheduled for 8:30. 

***I took pictures of her where I could during this process.***

Once we checked her in and the paperwork was started, we waited in the waiting room for a few minutes. I had just enough time to run to the restroom and when I came out, the nurse had all ready called her name. My heart dropped. This was really happening. I hated having to put her through this. My husband and I followed her back to a VERY small room. It was large enough for two chairs and a child's size hospital bed. Therefore, my mom had to stay in the waiting room for that time. 

Princess removed her clothes and slipped into the hospital gear. Then relaxed on the bed while we answered a million questions for various nurses and doctors.

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The wonderful nurse brought Princess a gift for her big day. Daddy was acting goofy to lighten the intensity of the situation, Emma didn't think he was so funny. 

Here she is showing everyone the lovely gifts. (Which I will add was a surprise and it helped with the entire process.) This is where the MD came in and told us what he had planned for her. I didn't like the fact that he didn't take into consideration about a child sitting in front of him. He proceeded to tell my husband and I what he'd do doing the surgery. By the time he left, Princess was pretty spooked. My husband decided that it was time for Emma's BFF to come back...MeMaw. (These two are so bad at times.)

When my mom got settled in, she managed to get Princess's smile back and calm her fears. We prayed for the doctors and nurses who would be with Princess during her surgery. Then we prayed for her. Once the seriousness was over, Princess and my mom started acting up. 

I had to calm them down a few times for getting loud. My mom gave Princess her special rock to hold during the wait. Of course, she just HAD to have a picture with it. The anesthesiologist came in and started to talk with us. He explained that she'd be going to sleep with a special type of air he'd give her through a special mask. That's when she'd gently fall asleep for the MD to perform her surgery. While in the room, he saw Princess's dolphin toy and they ended up making as many animals sounds as they could. Princess's by far beat the doctors. ** I still laugh when thinking of this. It was super cute.**

After the play, he asked Princess to take a small amount of "sleepy" medicine, which would help relax her and make it easier for the doctors to do their thing in the OR. She took it like a champ and this was her reaction...

Yeah, she didn't like the after taste. It didn't take long for the medication to kick in and do its thing. She went from sitting up to laying down. My step-dad (Pappy) called her to check in while he was at work. By the end of the conversation, Princess didn't know what she was talking about. For the most part, she slurred a lot.

By this time I was fighting back tears. I didn't want them to take her. However, I knew we had made the choice because it was for the best interest of her health. My pregnancy hormones had me tearing up even more, therefore, I couldn't hold it back. I had an internal battle going on. I knew my husband would want to be with her at this point, but Princess needed her BFF. Before we had time to do the switch again, they came and started pushing her away. At this point, she wasn't talking or reacting to anything. She was staring off into space. I was NOT ready for this. They were moving quickly and I couldn't get one last picture without it being blurry. I hardly had time to kiss her. I wish they would have slowed down just a bit so I had time for another kiss.

My husband was waiting in the waiting room when we came out. I informed him that they took her back all ready with a frown. I felt really bad that he didn't get to see her once more. He inhaled and suggested we try to eat. I couldn't eat anything for the first few hours that morning. I didn't feel right eating in front of our daughter when she couldn't eat. When he mentioned food, I instantly realized I was starving. 

We went to the cafeteria for food. The hospital makes great omelets. This is the first breakfast foods we go for. I ordered mine, but the lady was in such a rush... she didn't ask my husband if he wanted something. So, we waited until another lady within the line noticed we had been standing there for a while. Greg told her he was waiting to order his since he was skipped. This kind woman stopped in the middle of her order and told Greg to get his. 

Once the three of us had our food, we quickly ate. I kept an eye on the time and watched the second hand tick by while making its way around the clock. I still held back tears. I NEEDED to know that my baby girl was fine. 

We made our way back up to the same day surgery floor, checked back in, and took our seats.  They gave us a ticket with her patient number on it. We could see where in the process she was by finding her number on a television screen in the waiting room. The doctor told us that she'd be in the OR for about 73 minutes, providing all went well. I kept my eyes on her number. I memorized it to be sure. (191833) had been listed under OR for some time. My mind went nuts. I couldn't help to think that I could lose her. I could loose the only baby I physically had at that moment. I just wanted them to bring her back. 

After about 70 minutes, I saw her number move from the screen. A small bit of panic picked up when I realized it hadn't popped up in the recovery category yet. Once I saw it, I announced it to my mom and husband. She had made it through the surgery and was in recovery. PRAISE GOD!!!

It took about twenty minutes for a guy to come out and call our name. He told us that one of us had been requested to come back for when she woke up. Typically this would be Mom. However, I wanted it to be all of us. I stood up and started walking towards the doors. My hubby started to follow and was told to stay in the waiting room. I didn't like this. She is BOTH of ours and she was going to want to see both of us. I hated having to walk back without him. 

The male nurse directed me to the recovery room. They had my little girl laying on her side, with oxygen to her face, and she was covered up with a blanket. She hadn't woke up yet. The nurse explained to me the ways she's seen children wake up from anesthesia. Most of the time, they were scared and cried. I wasn't prepared AT ALL for what I was about to go through being pregnant. 

When she started stirring, I heard her breathing through mucus. I was afraid of her coughing and hurting her throat. As she came too, she started whining and tossing her head around. I felt so bad for her. I tried my hardest to steady her head to make sure she didn't hit it off of the side of the bed. A few moments later, she started messing with her IV while crying. She didn't want it in. I held down her hands and gently placed my head by hers. I tried calming her down with my voice and playing with her hair. Normally she loves her hair played with. 

The nurse seemed to only make matters worse. She kept shushing my daughter. I know she doesn't like that. I have never shushed my children. I feel it's rude. My daughter was trying to tell me something but the nurse wouldn't back off long enough for her to try to relay the message. I seriously wanted to hit the woman. I gently had her look at me and told her... can you use one word to tell me what's going on?

With eyes full of sadness and pain, she managed one word... "OUCH." Pain! She was in pain. This registered and I panicked. Immediately, I looked at the overbearing nurse and told her to get something for the pain. They told me they could manage it and I thought they would have given her something for the pain before waking up. NOPE! They gave her nothing. The nurse forgot. Yep, at this time I wanted to hit her.

She scrambled off for the pain medication and I got a moment with my daughter. I sang to her and got her to FINALLY calm down. I explained to her that the IV had to stay in. If they or she took it out, any medicine they gave her would have to be in a shot because she couldn't swallow anything at that moment. Therefore, any type of pills would be out. She accepted the fact that she had to keep the IV and hid her hand under the blanket. 

She continued to cry. The nurse came back with something for the pain, put it in the IV, and asked which person could come back with us. Again, I had to choose between my husband and my mom. Emma was really close to both of them. In this situation, all of us could have been there. The room was plenty big enough and there weren't many patients in recovery. I left the decision up to my daughter. 

I asked her to raise one finger for Daddy and two fingers for Memaw. She raised four. She wanted all of us. The pain unexpected came back and the crying started again. I asked her to tell me who else she'd like and she raised two fingers. She wanted my Mom. I felt bad for Daddy because I knew he'd want to be with her. I hated being put in this position. 

The nurse got my mom. Once she came back, she fed a popsicle to my daughter and calmed her down enough for her to sleep. This was a blessing. The feelings that went through me at that moment was crazy. I was relieved to see her asleep. However, I ached inside because I had to put her through this. I felt bad because I really don't know what she's going through. I just sat there and stared at my beautiful daughter.

 

They had her in the recovery ward for an hour before moving her to her room. This is where we all were allowed to wait with her. I went out to the waiting room and got hubby. We rushed back to our daughter's side. She was still sleeping. The nurse informed us that she'd be sleeping for the next few hours because of the pain medication they gave her before moving her from recovery. Hubby and I took this as a cue to go eat. We quickly grabbed some food. On our way back, we stopped in at the gift shop and grabbed her a present. This made her day. Several hours later, the nurse came in to check up on our little girl, which woke her up.

 I was super excited for her to see her gift. Once I knew she was fully awake, I gave it to her. Immeditately she began cuddling the stuffed animal.

 She decided to eat a popsicle and watching television. She was in much better spirits now and the pain was well controlled. They told us that she was doing so good. 

 

From that point on, she was awake. Her and my mom carried on and had us all laughing. The nurses raved about how great she was taking everything. They didn't have a problem giving her any types of medication or when they needed to check something. She took it as well as anyone could expect after going through a painful surgery as she did. I was truly impressed. She was handling this much better than I expected. 

They told us seeing how she was doing so well, she could go home. They'd prepare her discharge papers while hubby and I dealt with the pharmacy for her medication for home. Once that was squared away, they removed the IV, which she did great at and the vital thing from her finger. She was set to go. We changed her back into her day clothes and gathered up everything within the room.

Hubby ran to get the car while Sunshine hopped into a wheel chair. She couldn't have been happier with the news of going home.

After we loaded up and headed for home, Sunshine's medication for pain started wearing off. Daddy gave her something for the pain. It didn't take long for her to relax. She put in her earphones and enjoyed the ride home.

We made it home with no bad incidents. We helped get her comfortable in the living room on the air mattress. We felt it would be easier for her to sleep with my mom while she was here. This way if anything were to happen, she'd have help. Not to mention, who doesn't like doing things differently every once in a while? Sunshine loved the idea of camping in the living room. 

Shortly after we were settled, she managed to eat some buttered noodles. Then, with her last dose of medication of the night we headed for bed. My mom, hubby, and I took over with shifts when it came to her medicine. I am so happy to have them with me so they can help me through the sleep less nights.

#Baby gender reveal.... It's A...

Yes... we are super excited to announce that our little rainbow baby is a BOY!!! At first, I wasn't sure how to feel because I've been praying for a little girl. But as soon as the ultrasound technician told us what we are having, I felt so much better. It felt as if a HUGE weight had been removed off of my shoulders. 

Deep down inside where I didn't want to admit, I was actually afraid to have a little girl. I didn't want to feel as if we were replacing Dakota. I know the Lord knows what He's doing and I trust Him with my all. Therefore, I'll be embracing on this new journey with our first little boy. 

Hubby and I are still tossing around names. Once we decide on the final name....I'll reveal it here too!

For now... here are some more pictures for you to enjoy...

 

 

Thank you for stopping by and following us on our journey!

Pregnancy is a Blessing

I've been doing a lot of searches lately for pregnancy videos. I have compiled a short list of my favorites to honor mothers everywhere for what they do. Take a look...

Isn't this amazing? 

I can't wait to see my rainbow baby do this!!!