*Warning writing my thoughts as they happen, therefore they may jump around a bit.*
When I became a mom for the first time, I never thought I could love another so much. Then, I gave birth to an angel... and have so much more love for another who isn't physically with me. I love my children so much... it physically hurts. For my oldest daughter, I worry everyday about her well being and whether or not she'll be leaving me next. Isn't that crazy?? I hate thinking this way but my security in life has been pulled away from me and I walk by Faith alone.
But... I am NOT perfect. I struggle with putting it all in the Lords hands and moving forward. But hey... I'm only human. Lately I find myself missing my angel daughter more than ever. Her first birthday is coming up on the 27th. It hurts so bad knowing that I'm planning a memorial birthday party at her grave, instead of at the park where she'll be playing with her sister and cousins. I have the main idea of how I'd like the party to go, but when it comes to actually planning it... I can't. It hurts so bad!
Meanwhile, I need to keep the stress on myself down as much as possible for our little boy. It's hard to do though because as the pregnancy progresses... the more fear rises within me. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid to move, breath, or even live because I don't want to loose him. I'm part of several groups on Facebook for grieving parents and I felt the need to leave them because they added into the fear that we would loose our rainbow too.
I often find myself feeling a bunch of emotions when it comes to our angel and our rainbow. I'm so happy the Lord has blessed us so soon with our rainbow. However, I can't help but to feel as if we have been cheated out of the love we have for our angel. We dreamed for 40 weeks and 5 days of this little girl. We dreamed of what life would be like with two girls instead of one. After nine months of dreams, our lives were turned upside down.
Instead of bringing our daughter home in her brand new outfit and car seat, we left the hospital empty handed. Our little girl had been taken from us but those hopes for our little girl were still very much alive, as they are now. I can't help but to think I have been cheated. My little girl was taken from me and replaced by a boy. Don't get me wrong...we are super excited to be having a boy. However, it's bittersweet.
It's especially hard when everyone around me is pregnant with girls or just had their little girl. With each pregnancy I've had, we hoped for a boy and were blessed with girls. This one time in my life, I wanted so badly to have a girl. I know I'm coming across as selfish or whatever, but unless you have been where I am...you have no idea what it feels like. I can't help but to feel jealous of those who are preparing for a little girl.
I personally can say that this journey with pregnancy after a loss is hard. Especially when it's not even a year later and I'm expecting again. I feel guilty for all these feelings and thoughts. I even find it hard to bond with the little guy within me. I fear that if I do... he'll be taken away too. I'm so afraid to do anything. I find myself freaking out when I haven't felt him move in a while. So, I run off to grab the heart doppler, lay down, and frantically search for his heartbeat. If I don't find it right away, I begin to panic and cry thinking it's happening again. Then, I faintly hear it. Relief floods through me and I can relax.
I can honestly say that pregnancy isn't all joyful for me and I don't believe it will ever be again. The innocents I once had during my pregnancy is gone for good. So, for you Momma's out there who haven't been forced down this dreadful path, take that as a blessing. For you know what it's like to feel pure joy and happiness that I will not feel again.
Until next time... take care and God Bless...