Happy 3 Month Angelversary

My Lil Butterfly, Dakota, 

Happy 3 month Angelversary Dakota. I miss you. Hope you are enjoying heaven and give Jesus a kiss for me. I love you baby girl.

I can't believe it's been three months since we found out you gained your wings. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. 

Sissy took her locket to school today with your picture and even had one taped inside of her lunch box so you could go to school too. She was super excited to have you with her. 

Daddy misses you like crazy too. He tries not to show it but I can see it. His heart is broken but he's trying to be strong for mommy and sissy. So do me the favor and give him an extra hug today. He needs it.

I hope you have a great day up there in heaven and just know that we are always thinking about you. We love and miss you very much. 

Love,
Mommy 

Bittersweet, Brokenhearted, & Missing My Angel

I don't understand this but yesterday was a bitter-sweet day. My best friend and his daughter have been staying with us for the past few days. His daughter is around a year old, which is the youngest I have been around since Dakota got her wings. For the past week, I haven't been able to bring myself to open up to this baby girl. I didn't want to cause myself more heartache and get attached to her when she'd be leaving us soon. It'd break my heart to see her go.

Her father is under a lot of stress and was having a hard day yesterday. Baby girl was really cranky, so I decided that maybe playing in the tub would help cheer her up. Babies love to splash around in the water. I took her upstairs, although she wasn't really sure how to take me. I began playing with the toys and acting like I was having a blast. She decided to jump in on the fun and began to loosen up. 

After a few minutes, she began splashing and laughing. Mission accomplished. It melted my heart that I got to make her laugh and we were enjoying our time together. After her bath, I lotion, diapered, and dressed her. It was close to bed time and her Daddy asked me if I would watch her while he showered. Of course, I agreed. This was more time with her.

We laid down on the couch together. She got comfortable. Her favorite stuffed toy was with her and she cuddled it a few times. Then, she looked up at me and stared into my eyes until she fell asleep. Once her Daddy was done in the shower, I ran up to my room and started crying. It was so hard on me but I loved it all the same.

I remember thinking that it should have been me and Dakota cuddling on the couch. She should have been the baby staring into my eyes while falling asleep. Not my best friends daughter. My heart ached for my own baby. Baby girl opened my eyes to one thing that hadn't occurred to me yet. How much I am missing with my own daughter.

I didn't have the chance to look into her eyes. I didn't have the chance to see her cry or smile for the first time. All of her firsts was taken away from me. I know after watching Baby Girl for the past few days, I want a baby of my own now more than I ever wanted one before. :(

Missing You

To my little Butterfly,

Tonight is hard on Mommy. All I keep thinking of is you. When I close my eyes, I see your precious face and wish that I could have looked into your eyes. I with I could have heard your first cry. My heart aches for you. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about what could have been. At times, I wonder what you'd be doing right now if God had allowed you to stay here with me.

I hope you're having a great time and heaven is everything I think it is. I pray that you're happy and enjoying the fact that you're with other members within our family who are there with you. I asked each of them to watch over you and protect you.

I see you sent Aunt Kristina a butterfly. Thank you sweetie. She loved it. It helped calm her and her baby girl, Tommi. All I can say about the butterflies is to keep them coming. Every one that I see, I feel you. I know you're watching over me.

At times, I can even feel that you're here with me and I think I feel you hugging me. Oh how I wish I knew if I was right. I think that would ease just a little bit of my pain. Knowing for a fact that you are here, would do wonders.

I miss you like crazy but I'm going to go. I love you so much.

I love you to the Moon and back; Forever and Infinity!

Love You,
Mommy

Stop Pretending and Be There

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me?
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely, you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you,
then turned and walked away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaming to the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
my heart hammers in my chest
I say things to make you comfortable
but my soul finds no rest

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me
How should one behave
who's had to follow their child's casket
watched it perched above a grave

You cannot imagine what it was like
for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box
and have to turn and walk away

If you really love me
and I believe you do
if you really want to help me
here is what I need from you

Sit down beside me
reach out and take my hand
Say " My friend, I've come to listen
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too...

I swear I'll remember till the day I’m very old the friend who sat and held my hand so I could bare my soul...

- Unknown

How my Life Changed in a Blink of an Eye

I know some of you are wondering what I meant by the title. Well, in order for me to continue on with this blog, I need to reveal it's purpose. My husband and I got pregnant in August 2012 with a little girl. The pregnancy was full of stress and it was a really rough road for me.

On May 27th, 2013 I went into labor with my daughter Dakota. I made the trip to the hospital and learned that my child had passed. She was a stillborn. This hit me and my family hard. So, there you have it in the shortened version. The full version will be in a book I am writing which is called... Saying Goodbye Without Saying Hello.

Here's the covers of the book:

Paperback

Ebook

I'll tell the full story within this book. But while I am writing it, I'm not going to reveal anything that's in it. As for now, when I'm missing my little girl.... I will express it here on this blog. I'll turn to the world for support and I hope that one day my blog will help someone who has been forced to walk this horrible path.

I'm going to go finish redesigning my blog for now. But I'm sure I'll be back soon.

Do you know anyone who has lost a child?

I'm Back!!!!!

I know it's been a while since I have taken the time to write on this blog. Actually, it's been well over a year. So much has happened to me and I'm going to take a moment and catch everyone up with what I've been up to.

The last time I wrote, I told everyone that I had gotten married and we had a special Souvenir from the Pocono's.

So I'll start off with saying that I am now a mommy to two beautiful little girls. I'm an author of two books that's been published and I'm in the process of writing a third. My pregnancy was a roller coaster that ended in heartache. I'll touch base with that in another post.

But for now I just wanted to let you all know that I have returned. I won't be doing reviews or product giveaways on this blog. I'll be using this blog as my own personal online journal that I'm allowing the world to follow.

So grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and relax while you enter the world that I have been forced to live in.

Our Souvenir from the Pocono's

For those of you who have been following my blog for a while... you all know that I got married in August and we had our Honeymoon in Pocono PA. It was an amazing place where we enjoyed every bit of our time.

As of October 31st, it's been confirmed that Hubby and I are expecting our second baby. That's right we have a lifetime souvenir from our honeymoon. This is super exciting for us. Yes, we threw out any means of prevention and it didn't take us long to get our wish to complete our little family.

We have already picked out a boys name, which Hubby is hoping for. Either way I'm going to be happy with whatever the baby ends up being... as long as the baby is healthy. I'm 11 weeks along and heard the heartbeat for the first time on Halloween. This definitely beats trick or treating. I'll be going back on the 15th of November for our first ultrasound. This has me super stoked.

So, now there is another direction my blog will go in. Not only will it center on Mommy stuff but also on the journey of this pregnancy. So, I'd love it if all of the followers out there come along with me on this journey.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you have a wonderful week.