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Thursday, August 15, 2013

Bittersweet, Brokenhearted, & Missing My Angel

I don't understand this but yesterday was a bitter-sweet day. My best friend and his daughter have been staying with us for the past few days. His daughter is around a year old, which is the youngest I have been around since Dakota got her wings. For the past week, I haven't been able to bring myself to open up to this baby girl. I didn't want to cause myself more heartache and get attached to her when she'd be leaving us soon. It'd break my heart to see her go.

Her father is under a lot of stress and was having a hard day yesterday. Baby girl was really cranky, so I decided that maybe playing in the tub would help cheer her up. Babies love to splash around in the water. I took her upstairs, although she wasn't really sure how to take me. I began playing with the toys and acting like I was having a blast. She decided to jump in on the fun and began to loosen up. 

After a few minutes, she began splashing and laughing. Mission accomplished. It melted my heart that I got to make her laugh and we were enjoying our time together. After her bath, I lotion, diapered, and dressed her. It was close to bed time and her Daddy asked me if I would watch her while he showered. Of course, I agreed. This was more time with her.

We laid down on the couch together. She got comfortable. Her favorite stuffed toy was with her and she cuddled it a few times. Then, she looked up at me and stared into my eyes until she fell asleep. Once her Daddy was done in the shower, I ran up to my room and started crying. It was so hard on me but I loved it all the same.

I remember thinking that it should have been me and Dakota cuddling on the couch. She should have been the baby staring into my eyes while falling asleep. Not my best friends daughter. My heart ached for my own baby. Baby girl opened my eyes to one thing that hadn't occurred to me yet. How much I am missing with my own daughter.

I didn't have the chance to look into her eyes. I didn't have the chance to see her cry or smile for the first time. All of her firsts was taken away from me. I know after watching Baby Girl for the past few days, I want a baby of my own now more than I ever wanted one before. :(


  1. My heart breaks for you, I know that was probably the hardest thing for you. I know God is going to bless you all with another baby soon. Keep your faith strong in him.

  2. RaeBeth,I cannot say I exactly know how that felt because we all have our own personal feelings but I certainly can relate.After my son gained his wings I never dreamed I could ever love another baby.The thought of it just made me angry! And sad & many other emotions all balled up into one big mess..I wanted MY son!! Not anyone elses.But just as you sort of warmed up to baby girl,you opened a new place in your heart.One you did not realize you had all along.The pain never goes away RaeBeth,but God gives us the strength to carry on & love again. That is why I love Emma & the other children so much!God has opened my heart to another way.Some day Emma will be a mommy & you get to experience a whole new world!! Being a grandma. As much as a wonderful mommy you are to Emma I just know you will be an even better grandma! There are things you learn from being a mommy that makes being grandma even better! My heart bleeds for you honey.I love you & your sisters so very much..and I promise some day you will flutter right along with your beautiful little butterfly.And you will get your chance to say helllo but will never have to tell her goodbye again!


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