Come on in!

I'm so glad you have come across my little nook in the cyber world. Here I strive to be real and inspire. I talk about my walk in faith as a Christian, motherhood, the loss of my child, and anything else that crosses my mind. Join me for a minute and relax?

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Anger and Lonely With a Touch of Broken

Dear God I am so angry today. Nothing I do makes me not angry. There are so many things that I have seen which added to my anger and I have only been awake for a few hours. I feel like I could kick and scream like a child. The hurt I feel is so unexplainable. I feel like people and my family have already forgotten my little butterfly Dakota. I am angry that they aren't sad anymore. It's not fair that I am still in this stand still while they moved on. You would think that since Dakota was their blood family, it'd still hurt. But I was wrong.

Someone had told me..."How can you miss someone you never met, kiss, or held?" That's the thing, these people did meet her. They did kiss her. They did hold her. Some had seen the pain front hand with me.

At times I feel like people avoid me or have forgotten about us. We are still hurting. We still need them but it doesn't seem like they are there. I have seen so many people come out of the wood work (for the lack of better words) the day my daughter passed and on the day of her funeral. I heard so many times... I am here if you need me. Call me anytime. Day or Night." I have called but most of the time, people don't answer their phone. I'm left to go to my room to scream and cry it out.... alone. I'm so tired of being physically alone.

I have a huge support system online but they can't help when I physically feel that I need a hug or a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

It's been three months and this emotional roller coaster is a nightmare. This path is really a lonely one to walk because no one around me (besides my husband) knows how I feel. No one knows what to say. I'm alone and it hurts so bad!

Sharing Our Angels

I am happy to announce that I have put up a website that focuses on Pregnancy and Infant Loss. My plan is to pack this site with useful information for those who have suffered a loss. I would love to see what everyone thinks of it.

There are several highlights to this website. I want to hear about your angels. Please take a moment to submit your story. Here is mine:  I'll add more stories once they are submitted.

I would love to honor your angels by adding them to the dedication page here:

There will be lots of helpful pages for grieving parents and for friends/family of those who have suffered a loss.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope I see more submissions for the site soon. Have a wonderful day.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Letter to my Butterfly, Dakota

Hey Sweet Girl,

Well I finally did it. I started the website I was thinking of. I made it in memory of you. From this point on my goal will be to spread awareness about babies like you. I know I will run into some people that won't be so nice about it, but with Jesus, all things are possible. Therefore, I will reach my goal.

I'm doing all of this for you. I must admit... I am scared. It's crazy. For some reason, I'm afraid that I'll offend someone with your beautiful pictures, but I am so proud of you. I need to share you. I need to show people who you are. You're my angel, my butterfly, and the reason I have seen another side of this world that I never even thought about.... until now.

I am praying that my goals are reached and I succeed in what I'm trying to do. Dakota, my little butterfly... this is all for you.

I love you to the moon and back; forever & infinity.

Love Always

Signs of Grief

This list is provided as a resource. If you feel overwhelmed or beyond help PLEASE tell someone and get help. There are many excellent resources for depression or people feeling suicidal thoughts. Please do not suffer in silence. Here are some common signs of grief. They may include the following:
Physical Sensations

Tightness in chest
Tightness in throat
Oversensitivity to noise
Weakness in muscles
Lack of energy
Dry mouth
Trouble swallowing
Hollowness in the stomach


Sleep problems
No appetite
Social withdrawals
Dreams of deceased
Avoidance of reminders
Calling out
Restless Activity
Clinging to reminders
Treasuring objects




Sense of presence
Hearing and seeing the deceased

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Remembering Our Angels Event

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month- October

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members on work to prevent causes of these problems.

Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignancy to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss...

The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October in 1988, as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month" and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.

NOW, THEREFORE, I RONALD REAGAN, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.

Ronald Reagan
Former President
United States of America


As a mother of a stillborn, I am asking for those who would like to help show their support to join in with me during the month of October. The graphic at the top of the page is designed to fit your Facebook cover. Please display this cover during the entire month of October. I am also asking that you change your profile picture to the awareness ribbon. If you join in, let me know below. I'd love to see just how big I can make this event. 

Then on October 15th, Wave of Light candle vigil is held at 7 PM as something everyone can participate in. I am asking that you light a candle on the 15th of October at 7PM and let it burn for an hour. The burning candle will represent each unborn and newborn baby that has gained their wings. If you'd like, take a photo of your burning candle and place it in the Facebook event here:

Feel free to use any of the ribbons as your Facebook profile picture below:

In Memory of My Daughter, Dakota.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Friends and Family: How Can We Help?

For Friends and Family 

 If someone you know has lost a child due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death... you probably have no idea what to do. Our society does not prepare us to deal with grief, our own or someone else's. 

These suggestions and strategies are aimed to help you understand what may be helpful to a grieving parent. As Christians, we have a responsibility to one another, and when one of us grieves, the rest need to act.

Please do not ignore or avoid us. We are grieving a terrible loss of our child and do not want to grieve your absence too.

If you do not know what to say or do, tell us. We really do not know what to say or do. But your presence and patience comfort us.

If we start crying, do not feel like it's your fault for talking to us. We cry a lot and you did not cause our tears. Stay with us while we cry. If we are in public and can't get hold of our tears, take us to a quiet where we can sit down and sit with us.

If you get uncomfortable, please do not leave us. Grief is uncomfortable for both sides.

If we ask you to help us in some way, please do it if you can. If you can't, please look for someone else who can. It is terribly difficult to ask for help, and if we actually do make a request, we really need it.

If we do not ask for help, ask us, "Can I help you with anything?" If we say no, ask again. If we say no again, don't believe us. Find a close friend who knows us well and inquire about ways to help. . .practical stuff, emotional support, or fun distraction like a trip to the coffee shop may be in order.

Daily responsibilities are nightmares for us right now, just another stress we can't handle. Show up at our house with a bag of groceries, a vacuum cleaner, tickets to take our children to the fair, or nothing at all. Just show up. While you visit, pop a load of laundry in the washer.

If you only have 30 free minutes, we don't mind. We will appreciate whatever company you can offer us.

Let us talk about our child and listen as we tell you stories/memories.

Do not say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it is. Tell us you are sorry for the death of our child.

If we get mad at you or say something hurtful, please forgive us. The last thing we want to do is hurt someone, especially someone who is willing to be with us. We are just hurting so much and it comes out in inappropriate ways sometimes.

Please accept that we will feel angry, sad, numb, crazy, and many other things. This will make you uncomfortable, but please don't avoid us. We are more uncomfortable than you can imagine right now.

Please send us a card when you learn of our loss. OR Send us flowers.

Remember our children (if we have any others living). When you visit, bring them a small toy, cool rock, or book you think they might like. And if we forget to express our gratitude for your kindness to our child(ren), it is not intentional rudeness. We are truly grateful for your gesture.

For Those Dealing With Miscarriages

If we have miscarried early in pregnancy (before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage, after 20 weeks the baby is considered stillborn), our response will likely fit into a range: we may be saddened at the loss of the pregnancy, but accept it as a part of having children, or we may grieve the loss as the death of our child. You can figure out how we feel with a question like, "How are you?" If we begin to sob and say "I miss my baby, " then you know where we're at.

Wherever we are on the scale of grief with miscarriage, send us a card. If we are in the more accepting part of the range, an "I'm thinking of you" card is good. If we are grieving the death of our baby, a sympathy card is appropriate.

Please remember significant dates associated with our loss.

* The anniversary of our angel.
* The birthday of our child. (In the case of infant death or miscarriage, these events may be the same date.)
* In the case of miscarriage or stillbirth, ask our due date and remember it. . .for years to come.
* On our birthday and holidays, (especially Mother's Day and Father's Day) we grieve our child. Remember to call us and show you're not/didn't forget.
* If we have no living children, it is even more important to remember Mothers and Fathers Days. We are still parents.

Do not avoid speaking of our loved one. We really want to talk about him or her.

Do not fear you will remind us of our angel, for our baby is always with us and forever on our mind.

If we do not feel up to discussing our child or grief, accept our feelings and move on to another topic.

If you wish to do something beyond offering us your friendship and ear, make a donation to a specific cause. For example, if our child  died of a certain disease, a donation to a research foundation which studies that disease will have very special significance.

Release a balloon in memory of our loved one, and write us a note or take a picture to show that you did this.

Be patient with us. We will not be better all at once. We will seem better then we will seem worse. We will seem at peace then we will be suddenly angry. In fact, we may never be the same again. Please don't expect us to be. And please please do not suggest that we should.

But most of all, pray for and with us. More than any other gesture, we will find comfort in your prayers and presence.

Remember that for every person on the planet and every situation imaginable, there is a different response and grief journey.

This is about the loss of Dakota. She died on May 27, 2013 in my womb, for no known reason. For those of you who have never experienced the loss of a baby, or a child, or any of your loved ones, this will help you walk along side someone who has and is now in a dark place. You can't go there. In fact, you will prefer to walk away and forget about it. But your friend must live with this always. Buck up and offer yourself to one who has lost everything.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Happy 3 Month Angelversary

My Lil Butterfly, Dakota, 

Happy 3 month Angelversary Dakota. I miss you. Hope you are enjoying heaven and give Jesus a kiss for me. I love you baby girl.

I can't believe it's been three months since we found out you gained your wings. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about you. 

Sissy took her locket to school today with your picture and even had one taped inside of her lunch box so you could go to school too. She was super excited to have you with her. 

Daddy misses you like crazy too. He tries not to show it but I can see it. His heart is broken but he's trying to be strong for mommy and sissy. So do me the favor and give him an extra hug today. He needs it.

I hope you have a great day up there in heaven and just know that we are always thinking about you. We love and miss you very much. 


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Bittersweet, Brokenhearted, & Missing My Angel

I don't understand this but yesterday was a bitter-sweet day. My best friend and his daughter have been staying with us for the past few days. His daughter is around a year old, which is the youngest I have been around since Dakota got her wings. For the past week, I haven't been able to bring myself to open up to this baby girl. I didn't want to cause myself more heartache and get attached to her when she'd be leaving us soon. It'd break my heart to see her go.

Her father is under a lot of stress and was having a hard day yesterday. Baby girl was really cranky, so I decided that maybe playing in the tub would help cheer her up. Babies love to splash around in the water. I took her upstairs, although she wasn't really sure how to take me. I began playing with the toys and acting like I was having a blast. She decided to jump in on the fun and began to loosen up. 

After a few minutes, she began splashing and laughing. Mission accomplished. It melted my heart that I got to make her laugh and we were enjoying our time together. After her bath, I lotion, diapered, and dressed her. It was close to bed time and her Daddy asked me if I would watch her while he showered. Of course, I agreed. This was more time with her.

We laid down on the couch together. She got comfortable. Her favorite stuffed toy was with her and she cuddled it a few times. Then, she looked up at me and stared into my eyes until she fell asleep. Once her Daddy was done in the shower, I ran up to my room and started crying. It was so hard on me but I loved it all the same.

I remember thinking that it should have been me and Dakota cuddling on the couch. She should have been the baby staring into my eyes while falling asleep. Not my best friends daughter. My heart ached for my own baby. Baby girl opened my eyes to one thing that hadn't occurred to me yet. How much I am missing with my own daughter.

I didn't have the chance to look into her eyes. I didn't have the chance to see her cry or smile for the first time. All of her firsts was taken away from me. I know after watching Baby Girl for the past few days, I want a baby of my own now more than I ever wanted one before. :(

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Missing You

To my little Butterfly,

Tonight is hard on Mommy. All I keep thinking of is you. When I close my eyes, I see your precious face and wish that I could have looked into your eyes. I with I could have heard your first cry. My heart aches for you. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about what could have been. At times, I wonder what you'd be doing right now if God had allowed you to stay here with me.

I hope you're having a great time and heaven is everything I think it is. I pray that you're happy and enjoying the fact that you're with other members within our family who are there with you. I asked each of them to watch over you and protect you.

I see you sent Aunt Kristina a butterfly. Thank you sweetie. She loved it. It helped calm her and her baby girl, Tommi. All I can say about the butterflies is to keep them coming. Every one that I see, I feel you. I know you're watching over me.

At times, I can even feel that you're here with me and I think I feel you hugging me. Oh how I wish I knew if I was right. I think that would ease just a little bit of my pain. Knowing for a fact that you are here, would do wonders.

I miss you like crazy but I'm going to go. I love you so much.

I love you to the Moon and back; Forever and Infinity!

Love You,

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Stop Pretending and Be There

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me?
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The moment I start to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely, you see,
friends no longer come around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
I guess they don't know what to say
They told me I'll be there for you,
then turned and walked away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call and screaming to the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me say the words
I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
my heart hammers in my chest
I say things to make you comfortable
but my soul finds no rest

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told
of the helplessness of holding a child who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me
How should one behave
who's had to follow their child's casket
watched it perched above a grave

You cannot imagine what it was like
for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box
and have to turn and walk away

If you really love me
and I believe you do
if you really want to help me
here is what I need from you

Sit down beside me
reach out and take my hand
Say " My friend, I've come to listen
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do too...
I swear I'll remember till the day I’m very old the friend who sat and held my hand so I could bare my soul...

- Unknown

How my Life Changed in a Blink of an Eye

I know some of you are wondering what I meant by the title. Well, in order for me to continue on with this blog, I need to reveal it's purpose. My husband and I got pregnant in August 2012 with a little girl. The pregnancy was full of stress and it was a really rough road for me.

On May 27th, 2013 I went into labor with my daughter Dakota. I made the trip to the hospital and learned that my child had passed. She was a stillborn. This hit me and my family hard. So, there you have it in the shortened version. The full version will be in a book I am writing which is called... Saying Goodbye Without Saying Hello.

Here's the covers of the book:



I'll tell the full story within this book. But while I am writing it, I'm not going to reveal anything that's in it. As for now, when I'm missing my little girl.... I will express it here on this blog. I'll turn to the world for support and I hope that one day my blog will help someone who has been forced to walk this horrible path.

I'm going to go finish redesigning my blog for now. But I'm sure I'll be back soon.

Do you know anyone who has lost a child?

I'm Back!!!!!

I know it's been a while since I have taken the time to write on this blog. Actually, it's been well over a year. So much has happened to me and I'm going to take a moment and catch everyone up with what I've been up to.

The last time I wrote, I told everyone that I had gotten married and we had a special Souvenir from the Pocono's.

So I'll start off with saying that I am now a mommy to two beautiful little girls. I'm an author of two books that's been published and I'm in the process of writing a third. My pregnancy was a roller coaster that ended in heartache. I'll touch base with that in another post.

But for now I just wanted to let you all know that I have returned. I won't be doing reviews or product giveaways on this blog. I'll be using this blog as my own personal online journal that I'm allowing the world to follow.

So grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and relax while you enter the world that I have been forced to live in.