Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven

Today is my daughter's first birthday in Heaven. The emotions that have been going through me are explainable. I feel like I'm suffocating at times but I am thankful that my Mom and sister have come to spend the day with me. 

I woke this morning around 5 AM (eastern time) not being able to sleep. To my surprise, I walked into the kitchen and my oldest daughter was sitting at the table. She was having a hard time sleeping too. I gave her a snack and something to drink. Then she headed back to bed.

As 5:45 AM rolled around, the tears were rolling. This was the time when I was preparing to deliver my daughter. 

Small images flashed through my mind of this horrible day. I couldn't help but picture what had happened in that moment. The emotions became too overwhelming and I had to wake up my husband. He and I sat on our porch while the sun came up and the stars disappeared. We hugged each other while the pain coursed through us. 

This past Saturday, May 24th my family and I surrounded her grave with love and celebrated. Here are some of the pictures. 

 The day couldn't have turned out any more perfect. The weather was warm but not too hot. No rain and we even got to enjoy a Memorial Day Parade in our town. 

In closing I wanted to do a HUGE shout out to my angel and wish her a 

Happy Birthday in Heaven!!!

Please Don't Cry by Rae-Beth McGee-Buda

Please Don't Cry

Written by Rae-Beth McGee-Buda

(c) All Rights Reserved*

Please Mommy don't cry.

We don't have to say good-bye.

I know it broke your heart,

but we really aren't apart.

I'm safely tucked in angels wings

as they gently sooth my dreams.

Dear Daddy, please don't cry.

The angels sing me lullabies

that gently tuck me in at night,

which makes me feel safe from fright.

Dear Sister, please don't cry.

As you sit and wonder why.

We will be together again someday

and we'll be able to laugh and play. 

Dear Baby Brother, please don't cry.

for I am always near by.

We will be together soon,

for I will always love you.

In memory of Dakota Emily Buda. 

5-27-13

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!

*The following poem is for your enjoyment only and is protected by copyright laws. Do NOT use the poem as your own. If you wish to share, please use the sharing options below this post. 

Thank you. 

Light of Love Candle Memorial

If you would like to join in with celebrating 

Dakota's 1st Birthday in Heaven.... 

There's a to do it....

.... Join in with the Balloon Release from your backyard.

Then light a candle and let it burn on May 27th for her

 during the hour of 6 PM to 7 PM (eastern time). She was

 born at 6:17 AM,

 however I we said our goodbyes between 6 & 7 in the

 evening of the 27th.

This event will run from the day Rae-Beth was due with

 Dakota to the day she was born. (May 22 to May 27)

**When doing the balloon release, please take a picture of

your balloon and post it within the event.**

23 Weeks Pregnant Update w/ ultrasound pictures

I had another doctor's appointment yesterday to check in on our rainbow baby. This appointment I was nervous due to the fact that I had an unexpected appointment. When I left the doctors office last month, my appointment card showed my next visit would be on May 19th at 2:15 in the afternoon. I was content with this. 

Now, I remember praying for another ultrasound because it seems as if the insurance companies and doctors are rather greedy with those. I go crazy not knowing the next time I'll see baby boy. I NEED the reassurance of an ultrasound so I can see him wiggle. At this time, I'm not feeling his every movement so I tend to freak out a bit when I haven't felt him move. Yesterday started out as one of those days. 

On Friday, May 16th, my doctor's office called me to remind me of my two upcoming appointments on the following Monday. This surprised me because I was only aware of one. Immediately, I picked up the phone and called. I had to find out what this other appointment was for. Surprisingly the lines were busy at the high risk number I have. So, I called the front desk of the office. This is when I was informed the first appointment was for an ultrasound and the second was to meet with my doctor. 

I was thrilled. The entire weekend I prayed they hadn't made a mistake with the ultrasound but I was worried about why I was having another one. It hadn't been mentioned. So, I freaked out over the weekend thinking maybe something was seen on the last ultrasound that made them need a follow up. 

Well, Monday came. I got our oldest daughter off to school and once we were ready, hubby and I headed in. It was confirmed that I did in fact have an ultrasound and it was to follow up with some measurements they weren't able to get in April. So, that was a relief. 

Baby boy is weighing in a 1lbs 4oz and was very photogenic. He was wiggling, smiling, and waving hello to us. The best part looked as if he was giving us kisses. Here are some ultrasound pictures for your viewing pleasures. 

The ultrasound technician also surprised us with a few 4D pictures too....

I left the ultrasound room with a huge smile on my face. I loved seeing our son wiggle around and hear his heartbeat. I can say I am very blessed to have made it 23 weeks into this pregnancy and I am praying everyday that I can make it as close to 40 weeks as possible.

My second appointment felt as if it took forever for the doctor to come into the room. I wanted the results from the ultrasound and I wanted to know what he thought about our baby. Once he finally came in, he assured me that all is on track. Baby boy is within the 50th percentile for growth and weight. He's very active and his heart rate was 154. At this point, the doctor asked me to lay back so he could check on baby's position and get an idea of how my uterus was. 

This always got me. I always wondered how the doctors knew what they were feeling. So... I asked. The doctor decided to show me. First he used my hand to point out the differences and then he got out a pen. That's when he drew on me and showed me where it was. I couldn't help but laugh. The doctor I'm seeing knows how to lighten the air with laughter at the right times. 

Once I was done and heading out, he scheduled my next appointment for June 16th. I'll be getting another ultrasound done too. I'm super excited about that too. So there you have it... the update for the month. 

It's just stuff....Shouldn't it be easy?

I'm about to face one thing since Dakota's passing that I dread. Parting with the baby items we bought or were gifted for her. I know that time is going to come soon. It has too. If I don't let go of the material objects we had for her, we won't have the room for the boy stuff that's needed.

This is a never ending battle within me. It's crazy how attached to a bib or a bottle I am. Just thinking about giving/selling ANY of the items we had planned on using for Dakota puts me in tears. I don't understand why I'm so attached to this stuff. She never touched any of it, yet it pains me to think about. 

I realized this today. We have a new neighbor moving in and while I was outside, I noticed there was baby items for a little girl in the back of the truck. Without thinking, I asked if they had a baby girl and how old she is. The woman told me her grand-daughter is 5 months old. I didn't even think before saying it but I asked her if they needed anything. Well, they are in the need of stuff. They have been hitting up yard sales around the area in search of the baby stuff they need. 

I'm a giver. So, when I hear of someone in need... I jump at the chance of helping them when and if I can. Again, without thinking, I continue to tell them that I have a bunch of baby girl stuff that I may be able to help them with. The conversation ended up going into what happened with our precious daughter and why I feel the need to get the baby girl stuff outta here. 

Once we had finished talking, I came into the house and cried! How am I ever going to find it within myself to free myself of this little girl stuff, which is a constant reminder of what isn't? I need to find it within myself to make room for our son. I just can't bare the thought of sending anything out the door that was meant for her. It's just as hard when it comes to accepting anything for a boy. 

This emotional road is one in which I will never fully understand. Will I ever find it within to pass the blessing on to someone else? 

Lord, give me strength!

Six Days Post Surgery

Our Princess has hit day six after her surgery with no major events. 

Praise God! 

This past week has been a roller coaster for all of us here. I've been going on very little sleep due to her medication schedule and my husbands work schedule. I'm super excited because last night I was able to pretty much sleep the entire night. She needed her meds at 11 PM, 3AM, and then again at 7 AM. She's still being selective with the types of foods she's eating and we're still at a very soft diet. I've been asked several times if we could have pizza, but that's a big no-no right now. The doctor suggested no red foods for up to 10 days and nothing with a sharp pointy edge on it. 

She's not too happy hearing the word "No." Her attitude has returned to normal and she's starting to joke around again. This is one thing I have missed. Our Princess has done so much for me when it comes to smiling....I think I've began to rely on her for my smiles. 

Shes been staying awake all day regardless of the medicine, which one would think would make her sleep. Nope! She's up around 7ish in the morning and stays away until her last dose of meds at night around 11 PM. She's ready to roll. One thing she can't wait to do is go outside to play. With no physical activity, she's not allowed out on her play set. She's allowed to sit on the porch but that's all. So, Daddy decided to play some XBOX with her.

She loved this. It's not very often that her daddy gets to play with her because of working so much. I couldn't pass up this photo opp. It warmed me to hear both of them laughing and having a great time. On the plus side, Princess stopped crying to go outside. :)

As for her sleeping... oh this is a nice one. The doctors said that it'd take at least three weeks to a month to hear or see a difference in her sleeping. Let me say...she proved them wrong again. She still sleeps with her mouth open, but that's because of swelling. (When her throat dries out...it swells up a tad.) However, her breathing is normal!!!  She does snore on occasion but that depends on the way she's sleeping. The very heavy breathing is gone and she silently breathes now. Yep, that caused me to be on high alert because I was afraid she would stop breathing and I wouldnt hear her. 

After six days of running to her side and checking on her...I believe this will be our new normal.

The biggest point is... SHE DOESN'T STOP BREATHING!!!!! This was a big one. I believe the apnea is GONE!!

I'm one blessed Momma! 

Well, until next time... thank you for stopping by and reading!

Pregnant after a Loss- Part 1

 *Warning writing my thoughts as they happen, therefore they may jump around a bit.*

When I became a mom for the first time, I never thought I could love another so much. Then, I gave birth to an angel... and have so much more love for another who isn't physically with me. I love my children so much... it physically hurts. For my oldest daughter, I worry everyday about her well being and whether or not she'll be leaving me next. Isn't that crazy?? I hate thinking this way but my security in life has been pulled away from me and I walk by Faith alone.

But... I am NOT perfect. I struggle with putting it all in the Lords hands and moving forward. But hey... I'm only human. Lately I find myself missing my angel daughter more than ever. Her first birthday is coming up on the 27th. It hurts so bad knowing that I'm planning a memorial birthday party at her grave, instead of at the park where she'll be playing with her sister and cousins. I have the main idea of how I'd like the party to go, but when it comes to actually planning it... I can't. It hurts so bad! 

 

Meanwhile, I need to keep the stress on myself down as much as possible for our little boy. It's hard to do though because as the pregnancy progresses... the more fear rises within me. I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid to move, breath, or even live because I don't want to loose him. I'm part of several groups on Facebook for grieving parents and I felt the need to leave them because they added into the fear that we would loose our rainbow too. 

 

I often find myself feeling a bunch of emotions when it comes to our angel and our rainbow. I'm so happy the Lord has blessed us so soon with our rainbow. However, I can't help but to feel as if we have been cheated out of the love we have for our angel. We dreamed for 40 weeks and 5 days of this little girl. We dreamed of what life would be like with two girls instead of one. After nine months of dreams, our lives were turned upside down. 

 

Instead of bringing our daughter home in her brand new outfit and car seat, we left the hospital empty handed. Our little girl had been taken from us but those hopes for our little girl were still very much alive, as they are now. I can't help but to think I have been cheated. My little girl was taken from me and replaced by a boy. Don't get me wrong...we are super excited to be having a boy. However, it's bittersweet. 

 

It's especially hard when everyone around me is pregnant with girls or just had their little girl. With each pregnancy I've had, we hoped for a boy and were blessed with girls. This one time in my life, I wanted so badly to have a girl. I know I'm coming across as selfish or whatever, but unless you have been where I am...you have no idea what it feels like. I can't help but to feel jealous of those who are preparing for a little girl.

 

I personally can say that this journey with pregnancy after a loss is hard. Especially when it's not even a year later and I'm expecting again. I feel guilty for all these feelings and thoughts. I even find it hard to bond with the little guy within me. I fear that if I do... he'll be taken away too. I'm so afraid to do anything. I find myself freaking out when I haven't felt him move in a while. So, I run off to grab the heart doppler, lay down, and frantically search for his heartbeat. If I don't find it right away, I begin to panic and cry thinking it's happening again. Then, I faintly hear it. Relief floods through me and I can relax. 

 

I can honestly say that pregnancy isn't all joyful for me and I don't believe it will ever be again. The innocents I once had during my pregnancy is gone for good. So, for you Momma's out there who haven't been forced down this dreadful path, take that as a blessing. For you know what it's like to feel pure joy and happiness that I will not feel again.

Until next time... take care and God Bless...