Happy 6th Month Angelversary

I never thought I would have to plan part of our Holiday at a cemetery. I feel horrible because today is Dakota's 6 month angelversary and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My husband has planned a trip to his Mom's for this holiday. It hurts so bad to think that here in a few hours, I'll be packing up the car and leaving for the next few days.

My husband decided to have a small celebration with Dakota for Thanksgiving before we leave. We will add new decorations to her grave and then play her song, while we release the balloon he got for her.

Oh, how I wish I was packing a diaper bag, instead of packing these decorations into a shopping back to take to the cemetery! At moments like this, I often find myself asking why? I feel like I am leaving her behind and like I'll be forgetting about her. I have prayed many times within the past few weeks for the strength to get through this.

One we go to the cemetery to release the balloon, we will be heading off to LeHighton! I'm not thrilled about it and I can't help it. No matter what I try to do to cheer myself up... It doesn't happen.

*****

Later on...

We stopped by and decorated Dakota's grave. A few of my family members have assured me that they'll be stopping by tomorrow for Thanksgiving. My Mom even said she has something to add in to our decorations. My heart is heavy now. I cried the hardest today while standing beside Dakota's grave in a long time. I played the same song that was played during the funeral. As I watched the balloon go higher into the sky, the harder I cried. I just wanted to drop to my knees and stay with her. I never want to leave her. I want her back!

Dads...How To Help During Loss?

I've noticed one thing since our Dakota lost her wings. Most of the time Daddy's are forgotten. I see all types of graphics for the Mom's, websites, and social media sites that reflect the situations for the mother. We must remember the Fathers too.

At times when you see a grieving father, you won't see that he is hurting. Men tend to bottle up their emotions and come off as being the strong, supportive one. In truth, his emotions on the inside are in just as bad of shape as Mommy.

So, here is my message to all the Daddy's of Angels: 

Remember there are people out there who reconize your hurt and your pain. Just because you didn't feel your angels movements or carry them inside of you, doesn't mean your pain is any less. Stand up and speak out. Be honest. In the time of grief, you don't need to hold it all together. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry. Don't be afraid to talk about your baby. The more you talk about them, the more your heart will heal.

While you are grieving, don't forget your wife and children. At times, you may feel the need to push the word away and go into your own place. When you do this, without realizing it, you're hurting your family. Talk to your wife. She needs to know that you hurt too. Let her know she's not alone and that you feel it too.

Protect your wife from those who may not be fit for her in this very emotional time. If you know a person who can potentially create more heartache for your wife, tell them to go. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy. This goes to the same with your grieving children. This will show them that no matter what, they have you to protect them. You will ensure the safety of their hearts.

The most important of all, don't run from God. Go to Him. He will protect and shelter your heart, while you are protecting your family. Don't allow the mixed feelings inside to let you question God's worth. He is there to help mend you and to help carry you through. Pray and do it often. Tell the Lord your needs and allow Him to fix them. Believe me, when the time is right... He will!!

Let Me Pray for YOU

The holidays are quickly approaching. You've probably already noticed stores putting out decorations and even playing holiday music. You probably see some of your friends who have put up their Christmas trees and are excited about the upcoming holidays. You may have noticed many people talking about holiday shopping. Social media and news outlets are jumping at the chance to share crafts for the upcoming holidays or deals that are quickly coming.

The excitement is already beginning.... for them.

As for me, it's not so much the same. I am not looking forward to the holidays. This year is quite different than normal. I am missing one that I love. I am grieving for one that I didn't get the chance to meet. I have a feeling that this is my new normal. I will always wish our Dakota was here to share these holidays and be part of our memories.

I know that I am not the only one who will be having a hard time coping with the holidays. 

Perhaps you're that person I am referring to. Or maybe it's a close family member. Maybe it's a dear friend of yours. 

Maybe the loss is because of cancer.

Perhaps it is because of stillbirth or miscarriage.

Or it could be from the loss of a job. 

The holiday season is hard and very emotional for many. 

No matter what your situation is....

CAN I PRAY FOR YOU?

If you would like me to pray for you, please leave a comment below with as little or as much as you would like about your situation. 

Then, tonight pick one person off of the list and pray for them too.

Just imagine what this world would be like if we all started to pray for each other? Wouldn't be amazing to see God's work everywhere this holiday season? 

I'll be sitting down at night in my quiet bedroom while I pray for each and every one of you who post below. God Bless and I pray that each person who doesn't comment will find it in their hearts to pray for someone who did comment. 

A Letter to my Butterfly

My Darling Dakota,

I hope this letter finds you doing well. I've been thinking of you a lot lately. My heart aches for you and my arms long to hold you. I know that in time those wants will be fulfilled. Our Lord knows what he is doing and I trust that he's keeping you up to date with how things are going for us.

I wanted to talk with you about a few things. First, I want to say thank you. You have done so much for me when you were here. I don't even think you realized. I know five months ago, I didn't realize it at all. It took me until just recently to feel the way I do. Yes, I miss you like crazy and I'll never stop missing you. However, it helps me to know that you're safely tucked in Jesus' arms while he gently passed a kiss to you from me.

You have made me a much stronger person than what I was. Dakota you helped me to not be afraid of death and of life. I was very much afraid about what was to come. Now, when I think of my future, I feel peace because you have taught me not to fear. You calmly left this earth and entered the gates of heaven. I never knew and I still don't know around the time that you slipped away. I would like to think that you took a nap, and didn't wake to my voice, but you woke to our Lords voice and his angel choir.  You opened your eyes for the first time outside of me to the beautiful face of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Dakota, honey, you brought me to God. So, thank you. I wasn't sure what this new life was going to be like when I found out that I had to say goodbye, but I can assure you... it's going to be grand. I know the Lord has my best at heart and he'll only ever do what's in my best interest.

Did you know honey, that your sister misses you dearly? She talks to you often. I pray you hear her and you help Jesus comfort her. She looked forward to having you here, but I know you're life mission was fulfilled even before you left the comfort of my womb. Please keep an eye on her. She's a very strong little girl who has shown me so much within the past few months. Both of you have.

I am doing better now but there are still times where I cry out for you. The heartache is just so much and I know it's okay. I'm only human and that's what we were created to do. I do hope you visit often.

Give Grandma Poole and Uncle Bob a kiss for me. Tell them I miss them dearly too. It must be great to get to meet them. You've met my grandmother before I did. What type of woman is she? I heard so many great stories from our family here about her. Hug her from me and I surely hope I am making her one proud Grandma.

Take Care Baby Girl. I love you so so so much.
Until next time,

Love
Mommy 

Update for Month One on TTC

If you haven't been following my story, I'll give you a small update. In May of this year, my husband, family, and I lost the newest member of our family... Dakota Emily. My doctor requested that I wait around six months before we tried again or at least three cycles. Well, the three cycles sounded better to me and I hopped at the chance to see my doctor just two weeks after cycle number three.

So, for the month of November, we began trying. I downloaded a menstrual cycle app so I could keep tabs on my ovulation. I began taking prenatal pills to ensure that I have all the nutrients needed to get pregnant. I have cut back on the "bad" things in my life that contribute to making one get pregnant hard. (Soda, sugars, etc.)

I have my hope and faith in the Lord, and I know that when the time is right, he will provide. I'm trying to look at the positive with this new waiting game that I'm going to become very accustomed to. It's a little scary for me because from the support groups I am part of, some woman are having a hard time getting those special lines on that very important test.

I'm praying to God that things aren't hard for us and we become pregnant quickly. My husband and I already have names picked out for our Rainbow baby. (For those who don't know, a rainbow baby is the baby after a loss.)

My husband and I began trying at the beginning of this month. I knew the odds of us getting pregnant were slim because I had already ovulated. Therefore, my monthly visitor came yesterday. But I'm not feeling down about it. I feel hope because I know there's next time. It could happen.

~Until then.... take care and please keep us in your prayers~

Alone... nah.. I've got Jesus

Do you see the Angel? (c) RaeBeth McGee-Buda

Over the past five months, one thing has tried to settle into me, but hasn't. Therefore, it seems like it's invisibly floating around waiting for the perfect moment. Loneliness. There's been many people to come and go within my life since May. I'm beyond grateful for those who have come and stayed. But overall, I am thankful for the ones who have come into my life for the brief moments that they did.

Every so often I begin to feel betrayed and alone. The feelings sneak up on me quickly and from out of no where. I feel anger and hatred. Yet, I swiftly push them away. I know this is the enemy trying to work his way in, like he's been trying to do since Dakota gained her wings.

I quickly push him away and cry out to our Lord. I will not let him overtake me. I am a child of God and I have the Faith that he's always with me. I may feel like I am alone on this earth, but I am not.

At times I feel like no one will ever understand what I am going through, but I am wrong. God knows. He lost his son to, only to gain him in his spirit form. The Lord knows my pain all too well. Therefore, I am not alone.

When people say they will always be there, and then they're no where to be found when needed. I remind myself, call upon Christ. He's always willing to listen.

When I call upon that friend and I hear reason after reason for their absence, I remember that the Lord will NEVER give me a reason why he wasn't there for me, because he will never leave me. All I have to do is call upon him.

Without God, I am nothing. But with God, I can be everything He wants me to be. So, I want to dedicate this blog post to Our Lord Jesus Christ and thank Him for not turning his back on me. Thank you Lord Jesus for being with me in my darkest of days and holding me while I weep. Thank you for giving me the strength to get through every day. You're an amazing Father!!!!

A Blessing To Learn...

Time as went by quickly since my family and I had to endure the pain and heartbreak from our unexpected loss of Dakota. We are slowly approaching the sixth month mark, which will be on November 27th. The day before Thanksgiving.

In the past five months, I believe that I have come a good bit a ways since Dakota's passing. At first, I hated to think about it. I didn't want to face it. It was unfair. Why did it have to happen to my baby? What did I do to deserve this? What did Emma do to deserve the loss or what about my husband? These are all questions, where at first I asked.

Over time I have gotten the answer to all of these questions and then some. If you would have asked me five months ago, how loosing my daughter made me feel, I would of come off with I don't know. Every day I would feel something different, whether it be anger, sadness, hostility, or happiness.

I would tell you that I didn't think it was fair that our baby girl had been chosen for a special something for Christ. I would tell you that I didn't believe Jesus would allow me to carry a baby for so long and just yank her away from me in a moments notice.

Of course, as time went on and I allowed myself more time with the Lord, I came to see things differently. I wasn't being punished. I wasn't being forced to go through all of this pain because I wasn't doing it right. Everything I went through with Dakota was a blessing. I was blessed when I became pregnant with her.

Each milestone within the pregnancy was a blessing. Hearing her first heartbeat was a blessing. When we saw her for the first time wiggling around in my womb, was a blessing. We as humans tend to forget that everything in life is a privileged, not something we are entitled to. I came to thank the Lord for blessing me with those tiny kicks, when I could have had none. I thank him for allowing me to hear her heartbeat and to see her on the ultrasound. Those were blessings.

Then, he allowed me to know what sex I was having, a beautiful baby girl. I could have not went as far as I did in the pregnancy. I could have had an early miscarriage and still wonder to this day if she was a boy or a girl. The Lord blessed me enough to give birth. Why? Because it's a privilege., not a right!

I was able to hold my baby girl and kiss her, even though I wasn't able to hear her first cry or see what color her beautiful eyes were. I wasn't privileged to know this. This was something that was only for the Lord to know. If I were blessed with seeing her eyes or hearing her cry, the Lord knew that I wouldn't be able to handle was would have come after.

He didn't allow me to bond with her. You see, the Lord knows what is best for us. He knows what we can handle and what we can't. He knew I wouldn't have been able to see my precious baby girls eyes and hear her cry, then say Good bye. I wasn't strong enough. I agree. I don't think I could have done it.

So I thank the Lord everyday for what He gave me as a privilege to see and come to know. I thank Him for saving me the heartache that would have been caused if He didn't take Dakota when he did. You see everything you go through, it's a blessing.

The blessing isn't about not knowing, it's about knowing and then recognizing the blessing. Once one realizes their blessings, it's up to them on how they handle it. I choose to shout the Lords word and his actions that I have seen, so others can see it too.


You don't have to have had a loss to realize that everything we go through is by the choice of the Lord. It's up to us on how we react. Are we going to use our stories to help others see their blessings? I know I am. So, take a look around you... everything you're stressed about... is a privilege because one day, you'll be able to say... "It will all be okay."

Appreciating the Nurses

I'm beyond thrilled. If you've read my book about my journey with Dakota, you will know a bit about what I am talking about. While being pregnant with Dakota, I decided to go to West Virginia University Hospitals and see the OB/GYN doctor there. I was familiar with the way they worked things within a pregnancy and was comfortable with them, due to the fact that they had also helped bring my oldest daughter, Emma into the world.

Everything went great with Emma, so why not go back? So, I did. We all know the outcome of what happened, but what I'd like to express is my sincere gratitude for all those who were on the clock the night Miss Dakota gained her wings.

From the moment of those dreaded words and up until today, they have been amazing. First, they showed the utmost respect for me and my family during our tragic time. They kept me in what I needed and there was no need to ask. They constantly checked in but didn't hover. They bathed Dakota and dressed her in a beautiful little dress.

As I was watching the nurses face while she was taking our family photo's with Dakota, she could hardly contain her tears. For she was mourning our loss too. While seeing her tears, this showed me that my pain was real and my daughter mattered.

I want to do a shout out to the head nurse who called me this past week. She got word that I was upset that my daughter didn't get a hospital bracelet. Well, she got all of Dakota's measurements off of me because she's planning on making one for her. This means so much to me. I am beyond words in expressing how much this woman did for me. For the past five months, I wondered why Dakota didn't get one. But now that's about to change. Miss Dakota will have one coming in the mail soon. I'm super excited.

So.....

Thank you to the Nurses and Doctor who was on the clock the early morning of May 27, 2013. You're absolutely wonderful and I am blessed with the fact that I had you there. The sympathy you have shown, shows me that people who haven't went through a loss are still affected by the loss, even if they don't know the person personally.

Excelling in the midst of her storm....

I am so proud of my daughter, Emma. This past week, she brought home her first report card. She's carrying high A's and her reading is great. She's a little book worm just like her mommy. I'm super impressed with her grades. This little girl has been through so much within the past five months, and for her to bring home this report card is amazing. 

The heartbreak of her sister's passing didn't stop her from excelling in her studies. If anything, she became more determined to make those good grades. I am one proud Momma. I know one day the Lord will bless her in a way she wont even realize it. I have faith that he has something in store for all of us. 

Another thing that had blown me away was the fact that she's been asking me for books for Christmas. She doesn't want anything else. Therefore, I think "Santa" may be bringing her a loaded Kindle for Christmas. 

What do you think of her grades?

Not High Risk.... Are you crazy?!?!?

Pre-Pregnancy Photo

The outcome of the Pre-Pregnancy appointment didn't pan out the way I had hoped. First off, the doctor didn't do any tests or any type of exams. So, I don't see how he could tell me if I was physically ready to carry another baby.

But, he did say to go ahead and begin trying. We went over a future pregnancy plan that included me NOT being High Risk. O.o This doesn't make sense to me. I went full term with Dakota when she was stillborn. She gained her wings only hours before I delivered her. To me, I should be high risk.

He wants me to begin taking my prenatal vitamins. Which I already expected this. That's cool with me. Other than that, he didn't say much more.

When I do get pregnant, I won't be seeing him because he's having some health issues that require his attention. Therefore, he won't be practicing. So, in the meantime I am going to get a second opinion.

I'll still physically prepare for a pregnancy now. But I want a doctor who is going to be serious and believe me when I say I need something. I want the doctor to have the willpower to ensure that we do everything physically possible to bring our Rainbow Baby into the world...ALIVE!!!

I've talked to other angel parents and have been told that each pregnancy after their angel was considered high risk. So, I wont settle with a doctor who doesn't think my situation is serious. I want as many ultrasounds as possible throughout the future pregnancy. Especially as my due date closes in. I also don't want to come even close to being overdue. Dakota was a week over due. Therefore, I'd like the doctor to possibly induce me around 38-39 weeks providing the baby is healthy enough to be delivered then.

Angel Mommies... what was your Rainbow pregnancy like? Did the doctors do anything extra within that pregnancy compared to before your angel gained his/her wings? I need any and all advice I can get on this one.